Age Before Beauty (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Mirror, mirror on the wall Who's the fairest of them all? Age before beauty Pearls before swine Handsome Prince Charming Will you be mine? MUSIC: Let's Wade In The Water by Marlena Shaw Let's wade in the water Hi! I'm Leanne.
Creative Director at MirrorBel Beauty filler queen, botox bitch, go-to girl for full facial rejuvenation.
Say something about our USP.
- Our what? - You know, what we do, what we offer.
Oh Youth, in a bottle, on a stick.
Because, let me tell you, in this day and age, getting old's not an option.
I mean, wade in the water Heidi, lash queen.
What can I say? New brows can take ten years off you! It's not about looks, it's about self-esteem.
It's a passport to selfie heaven.
It's a face-lift for your life.
You know, baby, that you got me Tina.
Tats.
End of.
Ivy-Rae - tanning, waxing dogging.
Last one by appointment only.
Mum, behave! Did I mention that I'm in charge? I'm Bel and I'm Back and kicking ass! Back, and answerable to me! Don't point it at me! I'm 100% not going to be here in six months' time.
Do you hear that, Dad? Do we believe her? Let's wade im the water, daddy Don't let me drown I mean, wade I'm absolutely fine! Come on and wade Oh, that looks lovely.
All done! Little princess good to go! Breathe, Disney.
Go inside.
Cos your love is so fine.
Right, hop it.
OK, we are done, guys.
Wes, Teddy, can you bring the cars round? Tina, supplies.
Lex, keep shooting.
Tyler, our Heidi's mascara? And, Mum, are you seeing to Dad? What am I? Mary Poppins? If we sail together we got nothin' to fear You threw me your line, hey And now I'm your bait Are you kidding? Bloody hell.
Call me fin flappin' mama who's learnin' to float Stick it in there.
- Give me that, give me that.
- Oh, ta, love.
I need your lovin' power It's really outta sight Come on, wade in the water Right, Tyler, Lex, with us.
Leanne, Heidi, Diz - This way.
- Bloody hell.
Where do I go? Who's got Dad? Don't look at me.
I'm with Hector.
I'll take him.
Dad, come with me.
All right, in the cars.
I'll lock up.
Get off.
Phone! Left it on the desk! Oh! I mean, wade in the water Wade in the water I wanna know that you're mine Because your love is so fine Hey, daddy, you really got me uptight MESSAGE ALER Because you're so right You gotta admit it, hey now MUSIC FADES OUT, LOUD RINGING CAR HORN AND ALARM BLARES - Goin' Crash first or Blitz? - Rampage.
Yeah, I just messaged Livvy, she said nine.
- Where do we get our wristbands? - Wearing? Arsed? - Going to get wrecked whatever.
- Tell him Jaeger Bomb.
- Cheeky Vimto! - Voddy Red Bull.
Woo Woo! THEY LAUGH Freshers Week! - No.
- Joking, aren't you?! See what we missed? I'm not going to sleep for a week.
Cos what's the point in leaving home VOICES FADE OU Don't forget your money belts, keep an eye on your phones, and make sure no-one spikes your drinks.
Bel, it's Leeds, it's not Bogota.
See you, Mum.
Oh.
Yeah, of course.
Leave you to it.
- See you, love.
- See you later, Dad.
We'll be fine, Mum.
Just go home and forget we exist! Yeah, sure, I'll do that.
End 'o the day, though, pat on the back.
Aww, lovely kids.
Yeah, turned out nice.
I hope so.
She gave up enough for them.
- I couldn't do it.
- You didn't do it.
Oh, it is Bel, though, innit? Full-on or not at all.
Oh, snore! What's she done? Popped out two sprogs, sent 'em to uni, - that's an achievement? - Yeah.
Some of us got a life and a career.
And kept our looks.
Hello! It's an hour away.
They'll be back and forth all the time.
Plus, we now get an extra 12 hours in a day.
What we going to do with that? - Should I call them? - Don't call them.
What's Ty like with keys? And Lex has got no sense of direction.
Bel, let's for once have a conversation which is not about the kids.
SHE SIGHS Hello! Sister act to the rescue! I know, sweetie, I know.
End of an era, empty nest.
Gutted.
Moving on.
Yeah? Let it go.
Cheers, Lea.
So, me, how am I doing? Well, since you ask - stressed.
Oh, my God.
They're doin' my head in.
- Who, Mum, Tina, Heidi? - All three.
And me dad, especially me dad.
Ted, I did say we should leave 'em alone tonight.
Erm, hello? Insensitive? Moral support fail? So, Dad latest - wheelchair's shit, wants a new one, motorised.
Why? Never goes anywhere! Oh, an' don't get me started on the salon! We won't.
Why am I still grafting away at the coalface? Have I or have I not done my time? - You have done your time.
- I've done my time! Fillers? Botox? Up to here with lipo! I should not be doing lipo.
I should not be the arse-end of the business.
- I should be the face.
- And how're you, Ted? Hello? Sweetie? Can we get some menus? You OK? Few things kicking off.
Business stuff.
It'll keep.
This is your night, I'm not going to let anything spoil it.
LEANNE LAUGHS AND CHATS LOUDLY OK.
Where were we? Four hours getting ready and you drag me away? Spray tan, glycolic peel, lash extensions.
None of which you need.
It's not for me, Teddy Bear.
It's for her! To show her what she's missing.
- Did you not see her roots? - No.
My God, she looks her age! No wonder Wes had nothing to say to her.
They're in shock, Leanne.
Their kids just left home.
Yeah, and without them all he's got to look at is that.
Baby Bear! There's no excuse.
- In this day and age - "Getting old is not an option"? I rest my case.
Did she take a fleece? No, cos Leeds is that bit further up north and the wind is murder.
Did Ty say anything to you about boots? Cos I said to him, "Tyler, in all honesty, Converse is not "a winter shoe.
" What was up with Teddy? Last push! Keep those knees up.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Well done.
- I'll see you next time.
- See you! Pain! It's just weakness leaving the body.
You'll be all right.
Hey, Baby Bear.
I've had a thought No, Leanne.
Leanne! OK, yes, yes, I will be there.
"So, Bel, now that you've got all this time on your hands" IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Fancy helping out at the salon?" For no money and zero thanks, in a place which used to be yours, but which your rent-a-gob sister has driven into the ground by the sheer, breathtaking scale of her incompetence.
Take your body armour.
IVY-RAE: Show us what you're made of! - Go on! - I seriously wouldn't push your luck.
Your problem?! The cheatin', lyin' whore I married.
- Define "married.
" - Define bollocks.
- Lost yours! - What happened? Your father's a prick! Your mother's a tramp! - Who is it this time? - Hector.
Hector El Xavier del Santos de Macarena.
Bullfighter.
Yes, right! So he starts training at the gym and I'm lifting, he likes me, clean-and-jerk.
We click.
Trollope! Can't hack it? Because you've retired and I'm still swinging! - Let's go, Dad.
- Bloody right, let's go.
LIFT DINGS Predictable as ever.
Show her a Brazilian with biceps, her tongue's draggin' the floor.
Hey! Hey! What's he doin' here? He's tagged! Get him home, you daft bladder! I thought as she got older, she'd put it about a bit less.
But no, there's life in the old bitch yet.
Can I get you anything, Wesley? Erm Anything at all? I'm I'm good, ta.
Age is just a number, Wesley.
Tell that to me arthritis! Cheers for this, Bel.
It's high time.
It was Ted's idea, help take my mind off the kids leaving.
Oh, Leanne's got no system.
Half that stuff's way past its sell-by date.
Feel right at home.
What? Tell me.
You know I've always envied you? The way you've done your own thing, stayed out of the dramas, the fisticuffs.
Yes? Well, obviously, I don't have that luxury.
As accountant, looking after the family business, the building, the lease.
You know, I love your sister.
I should hope so.
You married her.
Between ourselves, Leanne Is out of her depth? This place - the business - it's been going downhill - ever since you left.
- What, 20 years ago? I accept when you walked away, you washed your hands of it.
But I thought if you knew what was going on Well, how bad is it? About to go bust.
The thing is, they don't really run it like a business.
It's more like their own personal pamper-party.
I want to see the manager.
- And as for customer service - About? Yesterday, I had a chemical peel.
Today I look like Freddy Kruger.
It's lovely that, yeah.
Heidi, Heidi, can you deal with this? - You what? Me? - Yeah.
Thanks, Heidi.
That looks sore.
Tell me about it.
Um, Tina? Can you speak to this gentleman? - Are you the manager? - Not really.
Are you sure we did that? I don't remember you coming in.
- Are you the manager? - Sack the attitude, pal! Are you calling me a liar? Dob him a tenner, tell him to sling his sorry arse.
- Can I help at all? - Manager? I used to be.
And I can see that you've had a bad reaction.
Would you say that your skin's hypersensitive? It is now.
How about a complimentary course of three treatments, specifically tailored to your skin type? So we can show you this was just a really unfortunate one-off.
And I can personally guarantee you'll be happy with the results.
OK.
- Tomorrow at two? - Deal.
What? Couldn't give 'em a crash course in how to run a business? Reagan rule number one - do it yourself.
Could you? No, Bel, you can't take this on.
No-one'll thank you for it.
Least of all Leanne.
So I just let them go under? So Bel's going to be helping us out from now on.
Dogsbody work.
And obviously she'll be answering to me, but since I've got better things to do than hold her hand Like? Visiting trade fairs.
- Oh, bloody hell.
- Testing out new products and handling the people side of the business.
Right, well, I'm more than happy for Bel to do all the dirty work.
Great! And y'can sack that, madam! You know the rules.
- DISNEY: Mum, why? - Don't get any big ideas.
I'm just here to help.
Hmm! I give it three months, max.
It'll take more than that to get it back on its feet.
Once it's paying its way - You can retire? - Again.
Always said that was a mistake.
You, giving up the place.
When you had it, it was buzzing.
- Real life kicked in.
- A different life.
I'm not dissing it.
Wife and mum, best job in the world.
It's just, I always thought you'd be that .
.
and then some.
- I thought so, too.
- Well now's your chance.
If only for a few weeks.
Well, I best get some slap on.
- Not exactly a great advert, am I? - Oh! - And Wes is cool with it, yeah? - Does he have a choice? PHONE RINGS Hello, Wesley Finch.
Yeah.
Recommended? That's always nice to hear.
What can I do for you? So, I'll get you a quote by the end of tomorrow.
In the meantime, I'll send you a link to some websites where you can look at work-tops, colours, hardware That'd be great.
- Who's the fitness freak? - Hey, not me! This place belongs to - Surprise! - Hello? This is Wesley.
He's going to be doing the new kitchen.
What new kitchen? Would you excuse us for a second? You said you need a new kitchen.
You said I needed a new kitchen.
Lols, you've worked your little tush off for the past two years! This guy comes highly recommended.
I just want you to have something for you.
Hello.
Can we start again? I'm Lorelei.
Wesley.
Deja vu? You, stood there.
We're not all shit, you know.
- Least, I'm not.
- I know that.
When you left, all the oomph went out of it.
Leanne's got the gob, but she knows jack about running a business.
- Well, why did no-one ever say anything? - Just want to do what I do.
I don't want to be in charge.
Just want to do me job and take me wage home at end of t'week.
And Heidi and Mum, they're not bad neither.
They just need pointing in the right direction.
I don't know.
I think Wes was hoping we'd have a bit of space now the kids have gone.
Do more stuff together.
And Wes is a guy, right? Trust me, they don't even notice.
Did you always want to be a joiner? No, I wanted to be a Jedi.
- You? - Wookiee.
That's right.
What went wrong? Oh, you know, lack of facial hair, poor piloting skills.
So now you're a PT? Living the dream! Why the hell not? Life's too short.
Do what you love.
- So, do you love kitchens? - I love creating things.
You know, making something out of nothing.
Yeah, and me.
When somebody comes to me and they're so unfit they can barely touch their toes.
That's me! Well, I love helping them be better than they ever dreamed they could be.
Some of us are too old to learn new tricks.
- That's not true.
- Want to bet? I would, actually.
What we need is a face-lift.
New fixtures, new fittings, new colour scheme, new image.
Good luck with that.
We're skint.
Well, Wesley's mate Josh'll do a lick of paint in exchange for botox.
Yeah, right.
Mate Fred'll sort the plumbing in exchange for a Wolverine tattoo.
- As if! - Wes'll do new work-surfaces.
Oh, on the promotion front - website? Facebook? Twitter? - No.
- I'll ask Lexie.
She'll shoot us a promo.
Tyler'll style it.
We need to showcase all the services that we offer.
And how exactly are we going to do that? By giving Diz the ultimate makeover for her beauty pageant! Oh.
Breathe, Disney.
Concentrate! OK, so, Mum, you'll do Spray-tan, shimmer.
- Heidi? - Brows, lashes.
- Tina? - Eyeliner.
- Permanent? - Nah.
Last time, school sent her home.
Unbelievable! How is that the message? "Don't look your best, girls.
" - "Don't make the most of your assets.
" - Yeah.
I know, but it's a fascinating way to showcase the treatments, so - No judgment.
- No judgment.
Three, four, five, six.
Bend over.
Big kiss right to the back of the room.
You want everybody to feel that.
SHE AGGRESSIVELY BLOWS A KISS You all right? Oh, hello.
OK, we're going to take this nice and slow.
How slow? You won't even know it's happening.
- OK.
- Shall we stretch? - Yeah.
Hang on a minute.
All right, Leanne, move! Leanne! Do you want that six-pack? Oh! Come on! Come on! Get up! What you doing? Get up! On the mat, on the mat, on the mat.
Three, two, one! Oh! Oh! Christ! - How many? - 42.
You're kidding! - Two weeks ago, I barely managed eight! - Yep! Wow.
That's Geez, I've not done I've not done sit-ups since I was 20.
I rest my case.
What's got into you? 42 sit-ups, 28 press-ups.
You what? How? Client I'm doing a kitchen for, she's a PT.
I bet her she couldn't get me fit.
Think I'm going to lose.
- What's Bel say? - I've not told her.
Thought I'd wait and see if she spots the difference.
And has she? I never see her.
So what's she like, Miss PT? Built like a tank? Nah, she's cool, knows her stuff, knows how far to push it.
Age? - Late 20s? - Fit? As you'd expect! Might ask Bel if she fancies a sesh.
What? Basic rule of a happy marriage - never suggest the wife needs to get fit.
Well, unless your PT does two for the price of one.
Not mentioned Bel to her actually.
That's fair enough.
Could sound a bit crass.
"Oh, by the way, I'm married - - "in case you're thinking of pouncing.
" - Who does that? Half your clients.
Guess what I did today? You're awake.
42 sit-ups, 28 press-ups.
Someone been at the wacky backy? No, in the park with a PT.
Client in town, we're doing a deal.
She gets discount off her kitchen, I get discount off my sessions.
Like you don't get enough exercise? This is different.
This is about toning, building muscle.
Feels great.
I could book you a taster.
I think I'll pass, thanks.
Since I'm now back at the salon with barely time to even breathe.
And loving every minute of it, by the way! Have you seen that? - Queues.
- Yeah, since when do we have queues? Since Bel came back.
And you're happy with that? You want to be grafting dawn till dusk? We had a cushy little gig until she gegged in.
State of that column? Miss Popularity! You want more clients or you want less clients? Look at me, Miss Queen Bee, let's make Leanne - look all sad and clueless.
- What? Is it me or is she always trying to put me down? It's you.
Seriously? Bel just does her thing.
Most of the time, I doubt she even knows you're there.
- Hey, Sam, I haven't seen you for ages.
- I know.
- Have you been on holiday? - Yeah, I have actually.
What are you booked in for? Kitchen finito.
Wowzer! Old guy don't hang about.
He's not old.
- Are you going to miss him? - He's still doing PT sessions.
- Crazy man! - I'm glad.
I really like him.
You know, I like his work ethic.
He pushes himself, but he's not trying to prove anything.
You know, committed but not obsessive.
- Hello, Mr Perfect! - Yeah, he is.
- Not like that.
- Uh-huh? We're mates.
I like being single! Besides, do I really need another relationship fail? Who says it'd be a fail? Hey, don't give me too much.
Goes straight to my head! That's because you live on kale and chia seeds.
So, do you like it? Love it! Seriously.
Didn't know I needed it till I got it.
Same here.
Forgot how good it felt to be fit till someone reminded me.
- So, cheers.
- You did it! - We did it.
We're a team.
What do we call ourselves? Team Lor-A-Wes? Team Wes-A-Lei? Here's to us! GLASSES CLINK Hey, stranger, it's your wife! I'm sorry.
I know it's been weeks since we even saw daylight together, so I'm doing curry and I've got some wine.
What are you doing? I can see what you're doing.
Oi! SHE LAUGHS Ready! Burpee.
Press up.
- Sit up! - Sit up.
- Come on! - Yeah, all right, all right! Are you ready? A one, two, a one, two, three.
Oh, hang on! Oh! SHE LAUGHS Christ, Bel, where'd you go? Oh, Christ! I should go.
- Really? - Sorry.
That sounded rude.
I have to be somewhere.
Oh.
That's a shame.
Yeah, I should've said.
Is something wrong? Did I do something? No! It's just No, it's my fault.
I should never have I'm sorry.
Is it because I'm a client? No.
It's because I'm married.
Ted .
.
I've fucked up.
Fuck! What was I thinking?! Bel can't know.
Bel can never know.
Because it is not the remotest threat to our marriage and it's never going to happen again.
Obviously not.
What's my excuse? Why am I back late? You were out with me.
I wasn't drinking, but you were rat-arsed so I brought you home.
You would say that for me? Do I want to see Bel hurt? Jaeger Bombs? What are you, 17? - I'm sorry.
- I'll take him up.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Hi! I'm Leanne.
Creative Director at MirrorBel Beauty - filler queen, botox bitch, go-to girl for full facial rejuvenation.
- Say something about our USP.
- Our what? You know, what we do, what we offer? Oh.
Youth! - In a bottle, on a stick.
- Playin' a blinder, our Bel.
- Back where she belongs, eh? - Aye.
Heidi OK, guys, well done! I'll see you all next week.
Oh, my God.
Swoon! Not swoon.
Over.
But why? You really like him.
Is he bobbins in bed? No, he's amazing.
He's also kind, funny, sensitive, smart.
But he don't want to see you again? Is he cray? No, he's married.
Holy shit! Seriously? Just when I thought I'd met a grown-up.
This isn't right.
He thinks he can screw you - and walk away and that's the end of it? - That is the end of it.
No, no, no, you've invested.
You've put yourself on the line.
This is not what you deserve! What do I deserve? Respect dignity.
You need to be able to meet him face-to-face and say what you need to say.
Otherwise, how will you ever move on? - I'll find a way.
- But - Dante .
.
it's over.
- Lorelei? - Oh, hang on.
Yep? Is everything all right? Something happened? - HEIDI: All done! Ta-dah! - PHONE RINGS Little princess good to go! Breathe, Disney.
Go inside.
- Yep? - Problem.
- She's bailed.
- Explain? She don't do married men.
What shall I do? - Sort it.
- How? How do I sort it? Find a way.
OK, we are done, guys.
Wes, Teddy, can you bring the cars round? Tina, supplies.
Lex, keep shooting.
OK.
Well, not to worry.
Just make sure you rest it.
Keep it elevated, ice it if you want to.
When it starts to feel a bit better, you can stretch it out.
If you've got any problems, just give me a text.
MESSAGE ALER LOUD RINGING CAR HORN AND ALARM BLARES Bel, will you tell her? Tell Diz she needs to run it! Yeah.
- Bestie, you with me? - I've done it four times already.
And this is number five, and then there'll be number six.
Because what do we say? "Practice, practice, practice.
" You say "practice, practice, practice.
" Disney, is this for my benefit? This is BF - helping BF be the best she can be! I don't want a BF.
I've got BFs.
Lauren Carter and Tinsel Hayes.
Sweetheart, they live on an estate.
Is that the kind of friends you want? What do their parents do? Do they even know both their parents? Do I even know mine? BELL RINGS OVER TANNOY: This is your two minute call.
That's two minutes to the final.
If you could spare a few minutes from your empire-building, perhaps you'd be good enough to read Mum the Riot Act.
What's she done now? Only gone and ditched me dad and moved out, again.
Shh! Do you mind? It's upsetting Disney.
Disney needs to get into the zone! When Disney gets stressed, it goes to her face and her make-up melts.
- Ooh! - Can you sort it, Bel? LEANNE MIMICS HER: "Can you sort it, Bel?" - Love it.
- Sorry? You think you're so amazing.
You think this is all about you.
Well, I made the business what it is today - Sure did.
- .
.
and you can't stand it.
Any more than you could stand losing Teddy! What? You wanted him.
It was between you and me, and he chose me! You had to settle for second best.
And everybody knows it.
Hey, Ma, smile! Dad don't look too happy.
What have you done to upset him? BELL RINGS OVER TANNOY: Can all parents now leave the backstage area and take their seats.
Right, here we go.
You know what to do, darling.
Come on, Diz.
I love you.
You look beautiful.
- All right, OK.
- OK.
All right.
APPLAUSE You were the best, baby girl.
But they have to give other little girls a chance.
You can't win everything.
But I haven't won anything! Yeah, and that's because they know what a brave girl you are.
You won't make a fuss.
- Disney - I should have to be doing this.
She's your child.
And where's her father? Who's the father? Perm any one from 12.
Least they all play for the same team.
THEY LAUGH Why is that funny? - Oh, come on, Bel.
- What, because she's a bit flaky? Because her life's all over the place? Is yours so sorted? Me? Yeah, are you so pristine and pure and perfect? Dad, we're leaving.
Bloody hell! Are we entering the Paralympics or what?! Bel? Bel? - Where you going? - I'm taking Dad home.
What's brought this on? Mum's dumped him.
He can't be on his own.
Shall I come? Bel, what's going on? He needs peace and quiet and time to get his head straight .
.
and to see where to go with it.
Everything OK? Right, then, what's goin' on? She just sent me this.
Jesus.
- Is it real? - That's what I thought.
Is it something Leanne's done to wind me up? You know, like Photoshopped? I think it's real.
I'll murder him.
- Trust me, I could not feel more guilty.
- I should hope so.
But also just a little bit chuffed.
She's fit as, right? Part of you is thinking, "How the hell did I pull that?" No! - Yeah, kind of.
- Hmm.
Let's just hope you've got away with it.
I would give anything to get away with it.
- And you wouldn't go back there again? - Absolutely not.
I feel bad because I didn't discourage her.
You know, I didn't make clear I was married from the start.
And I am married and I want to stay married.
If I can walk away now Can you? You know what? I've had enough of this salon shit.
I've barely seen Bel in weeks.
I'm going to book us a trip away somewhere special, put the whole thing behind us.
I've got a mate with a hotel on Windermere.
Let me call him.
- No, I'll, I'll - Leave it with me.
Yeah, Raymond? How you doing, mate? PHONE RINGS Wesley Finch? No, sorry, this week's not great.
Yeah, I know, I'm looking to be away for the next fortnight so - Can you just hang on a sec? - Week after next for two weeks? Own veranda, overlooking the lake? Yeah, all right.
Actually, I could come round now.
- Is five OK? - Yeah.
Just act normal.
- Uh-huh.
- Business as usual.
Business as usual.
OK.
Hi! Thanks for coming.
It's just through here.
What? Why? I don't understand.
I'm just nipping out for some milk.
What's happening? - I have no idea.
- Me neither.
Christ.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm No, I'm not.
I'm confused and appalled and really pissed off.
How could you not tell me you were married? I would never have gone there.
This is not what I do! It wasn't you, it was my fault.
It was all It was all my fault.
I just need to get home.
Hi, it's Dante, leave a message.
Dante? What the hell? You better get your arse round here now or I will never speak to you again.
How long's it been? 30 years.
- Classic.
- Is it? Reach a certain age, take it all for granted.
One day - splat! Head first through a third-floor window.
End of the day .
.
you survive.
I just don't get why this happened to us.
He's at that age, pushin' 50.
Fellas start looking around, asking questions.
"Who am I?" "Is this it?" "What else is out there?" Kids leave home, gap opens up, you hope the missus'll fill it.
But if she don't, if she's off doin' her own thing Is that what I've done? If I see him now, I'll say things I can't take back.
And if it's just a one-off Is it? Well, if you'd seen his face when he got that text.
These things happen.
Perhaps he was lonely? - And got caught.
- With his kecks down.
You think I should go home? I think you should go home.
KNOCK ON DOOR Dante, you absolute arsehole! I'm sorry, I don't know how to do this.
I presume there's some etiquette.
Which I've never learnt because I've never done this before.
You've never cheated on your wife? Not in 30 years.
So, why now? Because you make me feel 18 again.
- I don't know how it happened! - You do know how it happened.
- I don't know how it happened.
- You do know how it happened.
Yeah! She's young, fit, funny, smart.
We have this connection, you know? When I'm with her, she makes me feel like .
.
what have I been missing all these years? So not to be crude, but the sex is Out of this world! At the end of the day you and I both know what it's like waking up beside the same faces for decades.
Hey, look, pal.
You know I think the world of Bel, but you and I, we go way back.
- I know.
- I'm always going see it from your side.
I know that, mate.
Can I let you into a secret? There's part of me .
.
thinks - should I just go with it? - As in, get it out of your system? - See if the grass really is greener.
- Which we both know it's not.
- Right.
But if you feel you need to test the waters, prove to yourself there's no place like home.
And Bel never finds out.
No harm done.
I just wanted what's best for you.
How do you know what's best for me? I know you really like the guy.
I know you've had a string of losers.
I know you deserve better.
He is better.
He ticks all the boxes, he's Mr Ideal! - But he's married.
- But he came back.
And, somehow, we fell into bed again.
So he can't keep away.
He's seriously hot.
And you're really into him? Yeah.
And his marriage is over, or he wouldn't be with you.
How old is his wife? Late 40s? Oh, you're doing him a favour.
Seriously! She'll be saggy, shrivelled, total dog.
You're awful! Trust me, at that age, all they are is a habit.
Dad? HE SNORES I hope you're proud of yourselves, letting that go up.
It's a marketing ploy.
We all agreed It's a personal affront to me! It suggests that I was useless and she's better.
You You don't even look the part.
You could at least respect my legacy and get yourself botoxed, filled and polished into something presentable.
But no, you're just going to sit back and do nothing.
- Where do you get that idea from? - Loser! Come on in and give us a try.
New salon, new era! We've had a face-lift, see what we can do for you.
Transform your appearance, transform your life.
Ladies and gentlemen, I now declare the new MirrorBel Beauty salon open! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on! Happy? So far.
- And the cookie - Lorelei? .
.
has no idea? Not a clue.
Keep it up.
I still don't get it.
What don't you get? Why you want your best mate to cheat on your other best mate.
She's not my best mate.
She's the woman I would've married if he hadn't got there first.
Wow.
Long game.
Timing is everything.
Well done, guys! Great start, eh? See how long that lasts.
That's fantastic.
Speech! THEY LAUGH AND CHAT EXCITEDLY Get a picture of that, get a picture.
Hello? Hi.
Yeah.
I've never done this before, so I don't exactly know what I'm letting myself in for, but I'd like to book a taster session.
Don't want this to be over Don't want this to be over Please, time, go slow-mo Don't want this to be over Don't want this to be over.
Creative Director at MirrorBel Beauty filler queen, botox bitch, go-to girl for full facial rejuvenation.
Say something about our USP.
- Our what? - You know, what we do, what we offer.
Oh Youth, in a bottle, on a stick.
Because, let me tell you, in this day and age, getting old's not an option.
I mean, wade in the water Heidi, lash queen.
What can I say? New brows can take ten years off you! It's not about looks, it's about self-esteem.
It's a passport to selfie heaven.
It's a face-lift for your life.
You know, baby, that you got me Tina.
Tats.
End of.
Ivy-Rae - tanning, waxing dogging.
Last one by appointment only.
Mum, behave! Did I mention that I'm in charge? I'm Bel and I'm Back and kicking ass! Back, and answerable to me! Don't point it at me! I'm 100% not going to be here in six months' time.
Do you hear that, Dad? Do we believe her? Let's wade im the water, daddy Don't let me drown I mean, wade I'm absolutely fine! Come on and wade Oh, that looks lovely.
All done! Little princess good to go! Breathe, Disney.
Go inside.
Cos your love is so fine.
Right, hop it.
OK, we are done, guys.
Wes, Teddy, can you bring the cars round? Tina, supplies.
Lex, keep shooting.
Tyler, our Heidi's mascara? And, Mum, are you seeing to Dad? What am I? Mary Poppins? If we sail together we got nothin' to fear You threw me your line, hey And now I'm your bait Are you kidding? Bloody hell.
Call me fin flappin' mama who's learnin' to float Stick it in there.
- Give me that, give me that.
- Oh, ta, love.
I need your lovin' power It's really outta sight Come on, wade in the water Right, Tyler, Lex, with us.
Leanne, Heidi, Diz - This way.
- Bloody hell.
Where do I go? Who's got Dad? Don't look at me.
I'm with Hector.
I'll take him.
Dad, come with me.
All right, in the cars.
I'll lock up.
Get off.
Phone! Left it on the desk! Oh! I mean, wade in the water Wade in the water I wanna know that you're mine Because your love is so fine Hey, daddy, you really got me uptight MESSAGE ALER Because you're so right You gotta admit it, hey now MUSIC FADES OUT, LOUD RINGING CAR HORN AND ALARM BLARES - Goin' Crash first or Blitz? - Rampage.
Yeah, I just messaged Livvy, she said nine.
- Where do we get our wristbands? - Wearing? Arsed? - Going to get wrecked whatever.
- Tell him Jaeger Bomb.
- Cheeky Vimto! - Voddy Red Bull.
Woo Woo! THEY LAUGH Freshers Week! - No.
- Joking, aren't you?! See what we missed? I'm not going to sleep for a week.
Cos what's the point in leaving home VOICES FADE OU Don't forget your money belts, keep an eye on your phones, and make sure no-one spikes your drinks.
Bel, it's Leeds, it's not Bogota.
See you, Mum.
Oh.
Yeah, of course.
Leave you to it.
- See you, love.
- See you later, Dad.
We'll be fine, Mum.
Just go home and forget we exist! Yeah, sure, I'll do that.
End 'o the day, though, pat on the back.
Aww, lovely kids.
Yeah, turned out nice.
I hope so.
She gave up enough for them.
- I couldn't do it.
- You didn't do it.
Oh, it is Bel, though, innit? Full-on or not at all.
Oh, snore! What's she done? Popped out two sprogs, sent 'em to uni, - that's an achievement? - Yeah.
Some of us got a life and a career.
And kept our looks.
Hello! It's an hour away.
They'll be back and forth all the time.
Plus, we now get an extra 12 hours in a day.
What we going to do with that? - Should I call them? - Don't call them.
What's Ty like with keys? And Lex has got no sense of direction.
Bel, let's for once have a conversation which is not about the kids.
SHE SIGHS Hello! Sister act to the rescue! I know, sweetie, I know.
End of an era, empty nest.
Gutted.
Moving on.
Yeah? Let it go.
Cheers, Lea.
So, me, how am I doing? Well, since you ask - stressed.
Oh, my God.
They're doin' my head in.
- Who, Mum, Tina, Heidi? - All three.
And me dad, especially me dad.
Ted, I did say we should leave 'em alone tonight.
Erm, hello? Insensitive? Moral support fail? So, Dad latest - wheelchair's shit, wants a new one, motorised.
Why? Never goes anywhere! Oh, an' don't get me started on the salon! We won't.
Why am I still grafting away at the coalface? Have I or have I not done my time? - You have done your time.
- I've done my time! Fillers? Botox? Up to here with lipo! I should not be doing lipo.
I should not be the arse-end of the business.
- I should be the face.
- And how're you, Ted? Hello? Sweetie? Can we get some menus? You OK? Few things kicking off.
Business stuff.
It'll keep.
This is your night, I'm not going to let anything spoil it.
LEANNE LAUGHS AND CHATS LOUDLY OK.
Where were we? Four hours getting ready and you drag me away? Spray tan, glycolic peel, lash extensions.
None of which you need.
It's not for me, Teddy Bear.
It's for her! To show her what she's missing.
- Did you not see her roots? - No.
My God, she looks her age! No wonder Wes had nothing to say to her.
They're in shock, Leanne.
Their kids just left home.
Yeah, and without them all he's got to look at is that.
Baby Bear! There's no excuse.
- In this day and age - "Getting old is not an option"? I rest my case.
Did she take a fleece? No, cos Leeds is that bit further up north and the wind is murder.
Did Ty say anything to you about boots? Cos I said to him, "Tyler, in all honesty, Converse is not "a winter shoe.
" What was up with Teddy? Last push! Keep those knees up.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Well done.
- I'll see you next time.
- See you! Pain! It's just weakness leaving the body.
You'll be all right.
Hey, Baby Bear.
I've had a thought No, Leanne.
Leanne! OK, yes, yes, I will be there.
"So, Bel, now that you've got all this time on your hands" IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Fancy helping out at the salon?" For no money and zero thanks, in a place which used to be yours, but which your rent-a-gob sister has driven into the ground by the sheer, breathtaking scale of her incompetence.
Take your body armour.
IVY-RAE: Show us what you're made of! - Go on! - I seriously wouldn't push your luck.
Your problem?! The cheatin', lyin' whore I married.
- Define "married.
" - Define bollocks.
- Lost yours! - What happened? Your father's a prick! Your mother's a tramp! - Who is it this time? - Hector.
Hector El Xavier del Santos de Macarena.
Bullfighter.
Yes, right! So he starts training at the gym and I'm lifting, he likes me, clean-and-jerk.
We click.
Trollope! Can't hack it? Because you've retired and I'm still swinging! - Let's go, Dad.
- Bloody right, let's go.
LIFT DINGS Predictable as ever.
Show her a Brazilian with biceps, her tongue's draggin' the floor.
Hey! Hey! What's he doin' here? He's tagged! Get him home, you daft bladder! I thought as she got older, she'd put it about a bit less.
But no, there's life in the old bitch yet.
Can I get you anything, Wesley? Erm Anything at all? I'm I'm good, ta.
Age is just a number, Wesley.
Tell that to me arthritis! Cheers for this, Bel.
It's high time.
It was Ted's idea, help take my mind off the kids leaving.
Oh, Leanne's got no system.
Half that stuff's way past its sell-by date.
Feel right at home.
What? Tell me.
You know I've always envied you? The way you've done your own thing, stayed out of the dramas, the fisticuffs.
Yes? Well, obviously, I don't have that luxury.
As accountant, looking after the family business, the building, the lease.
You know, I love your sister.
I should hope so.
You married her.
Between ourselves, Leanne Is out of her depth? This place - the business - it's been going downhill - ever since you left.
- What, 20 years ago? I accept when you walked away, you washed your hands of it.
But I thought if you knew what was going on Well, how bad is it? About to go bust.
The thing is, they don't really run it like a business.
It's more like their own personal pamper-party.
I want to see the manager.
- And as for customer service - About? Yesterday, I had a chemical peel.
Today I look like Freddy Kruger.
It's lovely that, yeah.
Heidi, Heidi, can you deal with this? - You what? Me? - Yeah.
Thanks, Heidi.
That looks sore.
Tell me about it.
Um, Tina? Can you speak to this gentleman? - Are you the manager? - Not really.
Are you sure we did that? I don't remember you coming in.
- Are you the manager? - Sack the attitude, pal! Are you calling me a liar? Dob him a tenner, tell him to sling his sorry arse.
- Can I help at all? - Manager? I used to be.
And I can see that you've had a bad reaction.
Would you say that your skin's hypersensitive? It is now.
How about a complimentary course of three treatments, specifically tailored to your skin type? So we can show you this was just a really unfortunate one-off.
And I can personally guarantee you'll be happy with the results.
OK.
- Tomorrow at two? - Deal.
What? Couldn't give 'em a crash course in how to run a business? Reagan rule number one - do it yourself.
Could you? No, Bel, you can't take this on.
No-one'll thank you for it.
Least of all Leanne.
So I just let them go under? So Bel's going to be helping us out from now on.
Dogsbody work.
And obviously she'll be answering to me, but since I've got better things to do than hold her hand Like? Visiting trade fairs.
- Oh, bloody hell.
- Testing out new products and handling the people side of the business.
Right, well, I'm more than happy for Bel to do all the dirty work.
Great! And y'can sack that, madam! You know the rules.
- DISNEY: Mum, why? - Don't get any big ideas.
I'm just here to help.
Hmm! I give it three months, max.
It'll take more than that to get it back on its feet.
Once it's paying its way - You can retire? - Again.
Always said that was a mistake.
You, giving up the place.
When you had it, it was buzzing.
- Real life kicked in.
- A different life.
I'm not dissing it.
Wife and mum, best job in the world.
It's just, I always thought you'd be that .
.
and then some.
- I thought so, too.
- Well now's your chance.
If only for a few weeks.
Well, I best get some slap on.
- Not exactly a great advert, am I? - Oh! - And Wes is cool with it, yeah? - Does he have a choice? PHONE RINGS Hello, Wesley Finch.
Yeah.
Recommended? That's always nice to hear.
What can I do for you? So, I'll get you a quote by the end of tomorrow.
In the meantime, I'll send you a link to some websites where you can look at work-tops, colours, hardware That'd be great.
- Who's the fitness freak? - Hey, not me! This place belongs to - Surprise! - Hello? This is Wesley.
He's going to be doing the new kitchen.
What new kitchen? Would you excuse us for a second? You said you need a new kitchen.
You said I needed a new kitchen.
Lols, you've worked your little tush off for the past two years! This guy comes highly recommended.
I just want you to have something for you.
Hello.
Can we start again? I'm Lorelei.
Wesley.
Deja vu? You, stood there.
We're not all shit, you know.
- Least, I'm not.
- I know that.
When you left, all the oomph went out of it.
Leanne's got the gob, but she knows jack about running a business.
- Well, why did no-one ever say anything? - Just want to do what I do.
I don't want to be in charge.
Just want to do me job and take me wage home at end of t'week.
And Heidi and Mum, they're not bad neither.
They just need pointing in the right direction.
I don't know.
I think Wes was hoping we'd have a bit of space now the kids have gone.
Do more stuff together.
And Wes is a guy, right? Trust me, they don't even notice.
Did you always want to be a joiner? No, I wanted to be a Jedi.
- You? - Wookiee.
That's right.
What went wrong? Oh, you know, lack of facial hair, poor piloting skills.
So now you're a PT? Living the dream! Why the hell not? Life's too short.
Do what you love.
- So, do you love kitchens? - I love creating things.
You know, making something out of nothing.
Yeah, and me.
When somebody comes to me and they're so unfit they can barely touch their toes.
That's me! Well, I love helping them be better than they ever dreamed they could be.
Some of us are too old to learn new tricks.
- That's not true.
- Want to bet? I would, actually.
What we need is a face-lift.
New fixtures, new fittings, new colour scheme, new image.
Good luck with that.
We're skint.
Well, Wesley's mate Josh'll do a lick of paint in exchange for botox.
Yeah, right.
Mate Fred'll sort the plumbing in exchange for a Wolverine tattoo.
- As if! - Wes'll do new work-surfaces.
Oh, on the promotion front - website? Facebook? Twitter? - No.
- I'll ask Lexie.
She'll shoot us a promo.
Tyler'll style it.
We need to showcase all the services that we offer.
And how exactly are we going to do that? By giving Diz the ultimate makeover for her beauty pageant! Oh.
Breathe, Disney.
Concentrate! OK, so, Mum, you'll do Spray-tan, shimmer.
- Heidi? - Brows, lashes.
- Tina? - Eyeliner.
- Permanent? - Nah.
Last time, school sent her home.
Unbelievable! How is that the message? "Don't look your best, girls.
" - "Don't make the most of your assets.
" - Yeah.
I know, but it's a fascinating way to showcase the treatments, so - No judgment.
- No judgment.
Three, four, five, six.
Bend over.
Big kiss right to the back of the room.
You want everybody to feel that.
SHE AGGRESSIVELY BLOWS A KISS You all right? Oh, hello.
OK, we're going to take this nice and slow.
How slow? You won't even know it's happening.
- OK.
- Shall we stretch? - Yeah.
Hang on a minute.
All right, Leanne, move! Leanne! Do you want that six-pack? Oh! Come on! Come on! Get up! What you doing? Get up! On the mat, on the mat, on the mat.
Three, two, one! Oh! Oh! Christ! - How many? - 42.
You're kidding! - Two weeks ago, I barely managed eight! - Yep! Wow.
That's Geez, I've not done I've not done sit-ups since I was 20.
I rest my case.
What's got into you? 42 sit-ups, 28 press-ups.
You what? How? Client I'm doing a kitchen for, she's a PT.
I bet her she couldn't get me fit.
Think I'm going to lose.
- What's Bel say? - I've not told her.
Thought I'd wait and see if she spots the difference.
And has she? I never see her.
So what's she like, Miss PT? Built like a tank? Nah, she's cool, knows her stuff, knows how far to push it.
Age? - Late 20s? - Fit? As you'd expect! Might ask Bel if she fancies a sesh.
What? Basic rule of a happy marriage - never suggest the wife needs to get fit.
Well, unless your PT does two for the price of one.
Not mentioned Bel to her actually.
That's fair enough.
Could sound a bit crass.
"Oh, by the way, I'm married - - "in case you're thinking of pouncing.
" - Who does that? Half your clients.
Guess what I did today? You're awake.
42 sit-ups, 28 press-ups.
Someone been at the wacky backy? No, in the park with a PT.
Client in town, we're doing a deal.
She gets discount off her kitchen, I get discount off my sessions.
Like you don't get enough exercise? This is different.
This is about toning, building muscle.
Feels great.
I could book you a taster.
I think I'll pass, thanks.
Since I'm now back at the salon with barely time to even breathe.
And loving every minute of it, by the way! Have you seen that? - Queues.
- Yeah, since when do we have queues? Since Bel came back.
And you're happy with that? You want to be grafting dawn till dusk? We had a cushy little gig until she gegged in.
State of that column? Miss Popularity! You want more clients or you want less clients? Look at me, Miss Queen Bee, let's make Leanne - look all sad and clueless.
- What? Is it me or is she always trying to put me down? It's you.
Seriously? Bel just does her thing.
Most of the time, I doubt she even knows you're there.
- Hey, Sam, I haven't seen you for ages.
- I know.
- Have you been on holiday? - Yeah, I have actually.
What are you booked in for? Kitchen finito.
Wowzer! Old guy don't hang about.
He's not old.
- Are you going to miss him? - He's still doing PT sessions.
- Crazy man! - I'm glad.
I really like him.
You know, I like his work ethic.
He pushes himself, but he's not trying to prove anything.
You know, committed but not obsessive.
- Hello, Mr Perfect! - Yeah, he is.
- Not like that.
- Uh-huh? We're mates.
I like being single! Besides, do I really need another relationship fail? Who says it'd be a fail? Hey, don't give me too much.
Goes straight to my head! That's because you live on kale and chia seeds.
So, do you like it? Love it! Seriously.
Didn't know I needed it till I got it.
Same here.
Forgot how good it felt to be fit till someone reminded me.
- So, cheers.
- You did it! - We did it.
We're a team.
What do we call ourselves? Team Lor-A-Wes? Team Wes-A-Lei? Here's to us! GLASSES CLINK Hey, stranger, it's your wife! I'm sorry.
I know it's been weeks since we even saw daylight together, so I'm doing curry and I've got some wine.
What are you doing? I can see what you're doing.
Oi! SHE LAUGHS Ready! Burpee.
Press up.
- Sit up! - Sit up.
- Come on! - Yeah, all right, all right! Are you ready? A one, two, a one, two, three.
Oh, hang on! Oh! SHE LAUGHS Christ, Bel, where'd you go? Oh, Christ! I should go.
- Really? - Sorry.
That sounded rude.
I have to be somewhere.
Oh.
That's a shame.
Yeah, I should've said.
Is something wrong? Did I do something? No! It's just No, it's my fault.
I should never have I'm sorry.
Is it because I'm a client? No.
It's because I'm married.
Ted .
.
I've fucked up.
Fuck! What was I thinking?! Bel can't know.
Bel can never know.
Because it is not the remotest threat to our marriage and it's never going to happen again.
Obviously not.
What's my excuse? Why am I back late? You were out with me.
I wasn't drinking, but you were rat-arsed so I brought you home.
You would say that for me? Do I want to see Bel hurt? Jaeger Bombs? What are you, 17? - I'm sorry.
- I'll take him up.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Hi! I'm Leanne.
Creative Director at MirrorBel Beauty - filler queen, botox bitch, go-to girl for full facial rejuvenation.
- Say something about our USP.
- Our what? You know, what we do, what we offer? Oh.
Youth! - In a bottle, on a stick.
- Playin' a blinder, our Bel.
- Back where she belongs, eh? - Aye.
Heidi OK, guys, well done! I'll see you all next week.
Oh, my God.
Swoon! Not swoon.
Over.
But why? You really like him.
Is he bobbins in bed? No, he's amazing.
He's also kind, funny, sensitive, smart.
But he don't want to see you again? Is he cray? No, he's married.
Holy shit! Seriously? Just when I thought I'd met a grown-up.
This isn't right.
He thinks he can screw you - and walk away and that's the end of it? - That is the end of it.
No, no, no, you've invested.
You've put yourself on the line.
This is not what you deserve! What do I deserve? Respect dignity.
You need to be able to meet him face-to-face and say what you need to say.
Otherwise, how will you ever move on? - I'll find a way.
- But - Dante .
.
it's over.
- Lorelei? - Oh, hang on.
Yep? Is everything all right? Something happened? - HEIDI: All done! Ta-dah! - PHONE RINGS Little princess good to go! Breathe, Disney.
Go inside.
- Yep? - Problem.
- She's bailed.
- Explain? She don't do married men.
What shall I do? - Sort it.
- How? How do I sort it? Find a way.
OK, we are done, guys.
Wes, Teddy, can you bring the cars round? Tina, supplies.
Lex, keep shooting.
OK.
Well, not to worry.
Just make sure you rest it.
Keep it elevated, ice it if you want to.
When it starts to feel a bit better, you can stretch it out.
If you've got any problems, just give me a text.
MESSAGE ALER LOUD RINGING CAR HORN AND ALARM BLARES Bel, will you tell her? Tell Diz she needs to run it! Yeah.
- Bestie, you with me? - I've done it four times already.
And this is number five, and then there'll be number six.
Because what do we say? "Practice, practice, practice.
" You say "practice, practice, practice.
" Disney, is this for my benefit? This is BF - helping BF be the best she can be! I don't want a BF.
I've got BFs.
Lauren Carter and Tinsel Hayes.
Sweetheart, they live on an estate.
Is that the kind of friends you want? What do their parents do? Do they even know both their parents? Do I even know mine? BELL RINGS OVER TANNOY: This is your two minute call.
That's two minutes to the final.
If you could spare a few minutes from your empire-building, perhaps you'd be good enough to read Mum the Riot Act.
What's she done now? Only gone and ditched me dad and moved out, again.
Shh! Do you mind? It's upsetting Disney.
Disney needs to get into the zone! When Disney gets stressed, it goes to her face and her make-up melts.
- Ooh! - Can you sort it, Bel? LEANNE MIMICS HER: "Can you sort it, Bel?" - Love it.
- Sorry? You think you're so amazing.
You think this is all about you.
Well, I made the business what it is today - Sure did.
- .
.
and you can't stand it.
Any more than you could stand losing Teddy! What? You wanted him.
It was between you and me, and he chose me! You had to settle for second best.
And everybody knows it.
Hey, Ma, smile! Dad don't look too happy.
What have you done to upset him? BELL RINGS OVER TANNOY: Can all parents now leave the backstage area and take their seats.
Right, here we go.
You know what to do, darling.
Come on, Diz.
I love you.
You look beautiful.
- All right, OK.
- OK.
All right.
APPLAUSE You were the best, baby girl.
But they have to give other little girls a chance.
You can't win everything.
But I haven't won anything! Yeah, and that's because they know what a brave girl you are.
You won't make a fuss.
- Disney - I should have to be doing this.
She's your child.
And where's her father? Who's the father? Perm any one from 12.
Least they all play for the same team.
THEY LAUGH Why is that funny? - Oh, come on, Bel.
- What, because she's a bit flaky? Because her life's all over the place? Is yours so sorted? Me? Yeah, are you so pristine and pure and perfect? Dad, we're leaving.
Bloody hell! Are we entering the Paralympics or what?! Bel? Bel? - Where you going? - I'm taking Dad home.
What's brought this on? Mum's dumped him.
He can't be on his own.
Shall I come? Bel, what's going on? He needs peace and quiet and time to get his head straight .
.
and to see where to go with it.
Everything OK? Right, then, what's goin' on? She just sent me this.
Jesus.
- Is it real? - That's what I thought.
Is it something Leanne's done to wind me up? You know, like Photoshopped? I think it's real.
I'll murder him.
- Trust me, I could not feel more guilty.
- I should hope so.
But also just a little bit chuffed.
She's fit as, right? Part of you is thinking, "How the hell did I pull that?" No! - Yeah, kind of.
- Hmm.
Let's just hope you've got away with it.
I would give anything to get away with it.
- And you wouldn't go back there again? - Absolutely not.
I feel bad because I didn't discourage her.
You know, I didn't make clear I was married from the start.
And I am married and I want to stay married.
If I can walk away now Can you? You know what? I've had enough of this salon shit.
I've barely seen Bel in weeks.
I'm going to book us a trip away somewhere special, put the whole thing behind us.
I've got a mate with a hotel on Windermere.
Let me call him.
- No, I'll, I'll - Leave it with me.
Yeah, Raymond? How you doing, mate? PHONE RINGS Wesley Finch? No, sorry, this week's not great.
Yeah, I know, I'm looking to be away for the next fortnight so - Can you just hang on a sec? - Week after next for two weeks? Own veranda, overlooking the lake? Yeah, all right.
Actually, I could come round now.
- Is five OK? - Yeah.
Just act normal.
- Uh-huh.
- Business as usual.
Business as usual.
OK.
Hi! Thanks for coming.
It's just through here.
What? Why? I don't understand.
I'm just nipping out for some milk.
What's happening? - I have no idea.
- Me neither.
Christ.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm No, I'm not.
I'm confused and appalled and really pissed off.
How could you not tell me you were married? I would never have gone there.
This is not what I do! It wasn't you, it was my fault.
It was all It was all my fault.
I just need to get home.
Hi, it's Dante, leave a message.
Dante? What the hell? You better get your arse round here now or I will never speak to you again.
How long's it been? 30 years.
- Classic.
- Is it? Reach a certain age, take it all for granted.
One day - splat! Head first through a third-floor window.
End of the day .
.
you survive.
I just don't get why this happened to us.
He's at that age, pushin' 50.
Fellas start looking around, asking questions.
"Who am I?" "Is this it?" "What else is out there?" Kids leave home, gap opens up, you hope the missus'll fill it.
But if she don't, if she's off doin' her own thing Is that what I've done? If I see him now, I'll say things I can't take back.
And if it's just a one-off Is it? Well, if you'd seen his face when he got that text.
These things happen.
Perhaps he was lonely? - And got caught.
- With his kecks down.
You think I should go home? I think you should go home.
KNOCK ON DOOR Dante, you absolute arsehole! I'm sorry, I don't know how to do this.
I presume there's some etiquette.
Which I've never learnt because I've never done this before.
You've never cheated on your wife? Not in 30 years.
So, why now? Because you make me feel 18 again.
- I don't know how it happened! - You do know how it happened.
- I don't know how it happened.
- You do know how it happened.
Yeah! She's young, fit, funny, smart.
We have this connection, you know? When I'm with her, she makes me feel like .
.
what have I been missing all these years? So not to be crude, but the sex is Out of this world! At the end of the day you and I both know what it's like waking up beside the same faces for decades.
Hey, look, pal.
You know I think the world of Bel, but you and I, we go way back.
- I know.
- I'm always going see it from your side.
I know that, mate.
Can I let you into a secret? There's part of me .
.
thinks - should I just go with it? - As in, get it out of your system? - See if the grass really is greener.
- Which we both know it's not.
- Right.
But if you feel you need to test the waters, prove to yourself there's no place like home.
And Bel never finds out.
No harm done.
I just wanted what's best for you.
How do you know what's best for me? I know you really like the guy.
I know you've had a string of losers.
I know you deserve better.
He is better.
He ticks all the boxes, he's Mr Ideal! - But he's married.
- But he came back.
And, somehow, we fell into bed again.
So he can't keep away.
He's seriously hot.
And you're really into him? Yeah.
And his marriage is over, or he wouldn't be with you.
How old is his wife? Late 40s? Oh, you're doing him a favour.
Seriously! She'll be saggy, shrivelled, total dog.
You're awful! Trust me, at that age, all they are is a habit.
Dad? HE SNORES I hope you're proud of yourselves, letting that go up.
It's a marketing ploy.
We all agreed It's a personal affront to me! It suggests that I was useless and she's better.
You You don't even look the part.
You could at least respect my legacy and get yourself botoxed, filled and polished into something presentable.
But no, you're just going to sit back and do nothing.
- Where do you get that idea from? - Loser! Come on in and give us a try.
New salon, new era! We've had a face-lift, see what we can do for you.
Transform your appearance, transform your life.
Ladies and gentlemen, I now declare the new MirrorBel Beauty salon open! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on! Happy? So far.
- And the cookie - Lorelei? .
.
has no idea? Not a clue.
Keep it up.
I still don't get it.
What don't you get? Why you want your best mate to cheat on your other best mate.
She's not my best mate.
She's the woman I would've married if he hadn't got there first.
Wow.
Long game.
Timing is everything.
Well done, guys! Great start, eh? See how long that lasts.
That's fantastic.
Speech! THEY LAUGH AND CHAT EXCITEDLY Get a picture of that, get a picture.
Hello? Hi.
Yeah.
I've never done this before, so I don't exactly know what I'm letting myself in for, but I'd like to book a taster session.
Don't want this to be over Don't want this to be over Please, time, go slow-mo Don't want this to be over Don't want this to be over.