AJ and the Queen (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

New York City

It all started 'cause I needed money.
Yeah, I know, we all need money.
Except maybe the Kardashians.
But since I didn't have a pushy mother, I was on my own.
That's his favorite wig.
He calls it Little Orphan Diannie Ross.
There's a lot more I could say about him.
You'll see.
Never gonna be, no more, no more, no Long nights, winter blues Already paid the dues I've changed my point of view Baby, got a new attitude Ruby is red-hot - Hot fire, nonstop - Nonstop - Who got what I got? - What she got Nobody, nobody Read my lips, hear what I said You look hungry, ain't been fed See that queen? Try her instead Got a man up in my bed Champagne bubbles in your head But that credit score is dead Library's open And you have been read [AUDIENCE CHEERS, WHISTLES.]
He thinks that this is his story.
He's wrong.
Here you go, little man.
It's about me.
- [KID.]
Hey! - [MAN 1.]
Yeah? You bumped into me.
My bad.
I didn't see you.
- How much was it? - Three dollars.
Give him a five.
- Here, man.
- [WOMAN.]
So sorry.
- [KID.]
Hey! - [MAN 2.]
Yeah? You bumped into me.
- Hey! Ruby is red-hot - Red-hot - Hot fire, nonstop - Nonstop - Who got what I got? - Oh, baby, baby Nobody, nobody - [PANTING.]
She's really turning the party tonight.
Girl! - Not bad for a senior citizen.
- Ah.
Thank you.
Give me more.
No, really.
I love it! Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Now, as you know, tonight is my last performance here at The Box.
- Yes, or, as we ladies affectionately call it backstage, our smelly ol' box.
In six months, I'll be opening my very own brand-new, state-of-the-art club, Queens in Queens.
Queens in where? - [AUDIENCE.]
Queens! - That's right, honey.
Manhattan is over! So, I'm inviting you all to come see me at Queens in Queens, where I will feature all your favorite "ladies," - and, most importantly, - [MAN 1.]
Yeah, baby! my bartenders won't water down the drinks.
- [MAN 2.]
[MAN 3.]
On fire, Ruby! - [QUIETLY.]
Grrrrrrrl! - Ooh! Thank you.
Ruby is red-hot Ruby Red, ladies and gentlemen! The one, the only, Ruby Red! [AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
- Give me this, girl.
Give me this bag.
- Here you go, baby.
- You ladies can go home now.
- I got all the money.
Oh, so shady.
It's a goodbye gift.
It's a pair of 301s, - so you don't have to steal my eyelashes.
Aw, it's almost as if we like each other.
Yeah, almost.
- [OWNER.]
Who do you think you are? Out on my stage, coming for me and my club? And to think, I gave you your start.
Well, unless you're my aunt Charmaine who let me parade around in her housecoat while my mama was at work, you did not give me my start.
That was a good one, Ruby, girl.
How would you know what's good? I only put you on to clear the club - so I can go home.
Ooh! - [PERFORMER 1.]
What? - Oh, no.
No, no, no.
You leave Porkchop out of this.
You wanna come for me, you come for me.
What? You think just 'cause you saved up some coin for your own place, you can trash my club? I don't have to trash your club, Tony.
Look around.
Your club is doing a good job at being trash - on its own.
Ooh! Who's she callin' trash? And I did not "just" make some coin.
There is no "just" about it.
I have scrimped and saved and gone without.
I've been patching up these fishnets since June 2015.
And that coin you referred to? It's not coin, darling.
- It's $100,000.
Oh, she got green! [PERFORMERS CHEER.]
- Bam! - [PERFORMER 3.]
That's nice, honey.
That's right.
And I worked hard for every last mother-tuckin' penny, bustin' my ass onstage every night for years and years.
And years.
Oh, you want in on this? [GASPS.]
No, ma'am.
- Okay.
Oh, girl.
Bustin' my ass, drivin' all over this country in a rundown 1986 Ford Econoline.
Love the Econo, girl.
But that's all behind me now because I'm opening up my own club, with hot water and a hot man who loves me.
- [RUBY.]
And my man, he got a business degree.
Ooh! That's right, he knows business, and he knows what to do with my business.
Yeah! - That's right, girl.
Yeah, girl.
He's the Sonny to my Cher.
Mm! Oh, oh! - The Berry Gordy to my Diana Ross.
- He's the René to my Celine.
Ooh! - [PERFORMER 8.]
Yeah! - You better hope your club's a success 'cause you'll never work here again.
Oh, I don't wanna work here again, honey.
That's the point.
For once in my life, I won't have to answer to nobody.
Preach on.
- I'll be my own man.
- Ugh.
Yeah! 'Cause I've done too much soul-searchin' and sacrificin' to wind up stuck here like you, Tony, a shady, cheap queen overcharging bachelorette parties and going home alone to a life of Netflix and Nicorette.
Strut it, girl.
- And that's why she's named Ruby Red.
'Cause when she reads you, you been read.
Walk, walk, walk Hey, baby, you want a date? Walk, walk, walk You want a date? Too late, girl.
You're, like, in slow-motion and shit.
Go! Go, hookers! Go! Better go, hookers! [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Ugh! Those hookers are worse than the rats out in back.
We'll have our usual.
- One - Yeah, yeah, one duck, crispy.
Dumplings, steamed not fried.
White or brown rice? Oh, no, thanks.
No rice for me.
Have some rice.
You're too thin.
That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What about you? White or brown? Brown.
I love me some brown.
Thank you, Mr.
And can you please split that duck for us and no skin on his half? [MR.
Yeah, yeah, the usual.
Same order, same booth.
Every night.
Hong, you know, you don't have to split the duck, if that's what she's upset about.
- I forgot our anniversary.
- Oh, damn, dude.
You can't forget an anniversary.
Love needs some love.
Seven months for us next week.
Yeah, seven months along, and I'm not even showing.
I didn't get her a gift.
Oh, you know [QUIETLY.]
Give her this.
They're false eyelashes.
She's gonna love 'em.
- [RUBY.]
I love that we have a "usual.
" And I love that this is our booth.
It is.
And this this [SIGHS HAPPILY.]
is our club.
I picked up the blueprints from the architect earlier today.
This is even better than the rice.
Okay, look.
Okay Come on.
So once we move this wall right here, you see how it opens up the stage - to the entire bar area.
- Ah! - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
This is all really happening.
- [SIGHS.]
Yeah, it's really happening.
Oh! I have something for you.
These came today.
Matching credit cards.
And the best part is every time we charge something for the club, we get airline miles.
So not only am I getting a club, I'm getting a vacation.
I'm thinking Greece.
we will get to Greece eventually, but this first year has gotta be all about the work, right? You know? It's gotta be about getting the club off the ground.
We gotta be very careful how we use these.
- Only work-related, right? - Right.
- [MAN.]
Hey, it's my sister.
- Tell her I said, "Hey, girl.
" - You tell her.
- [RUBY.]
Hey, girl.
- [MAN.]
I'm here with Robert.
What's up, Maria? [MARIA.]
My babysitter called in sick.
- Can't stay with Mama.
Can you come home? - [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Uh, well, we were gonna go back to Robert's place tonight, celebrate his last night in town before the tour.
No, go.
Your mother's more important.
And, Maria, make sure you tell her I said that.
I want those extra points when I finally get to meet y'all.
You sure? Okay.
- [MARIA.]
Oh, that's so nice of you Robert.
I'm on my way, okay? [IN SPANISH.]
Tell Mom I'll be there soon.
I'll meet you tomorrow, okay? At the lease signing.
2:00 p.
Don't be late.
All right.
Uh, don't forget the blueprints.
Nah, I'll leave those here with you in our booth.
Wait, here? In front of the Hongs? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- You know it.
Give me five dollars.
Excuse me? Give me five dollars.
Aren't you the kid who lives above me? Yeah.
Give me five dollars.
First off, it's not, "Give me five dollars.
" It's, "Give me five dollars," and then, "please.
" Okay.
So give me five dollars, please.
What do you need it for? The dentist.
Cracked my tooth.
Let me see.
It's in the back.
Okay, let me see.
I said it's in the back.
Come on, man.
I've gotta pay Verizon so they don't shut my phone off.
Is that my problem? No.
You dress like a chick.
You got bigger problems.
Where's your mother? - [KID.]
I don't know.
In a car somewhere with her head in some stranger's lap.
Hey, careful now.
That's your mama.
Someone should tell her that.
That's it? Man, I owe 120.
Come on, make it rain.
I know you got more, bitch.
Yeah, I got mo', bitch.
I got a whole wheelie bag full of bills here, but you ain't getting none of it, not with that attitude.
In fact Hey.
I'll give you a ten, but you gotta carry my bag upstairs for it.
Yeah, right.
Hush! It's the middle of the night.
- Surprise! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
Hold on.
I don't smell no Gucci cologne.
Where's the beefy burrito? He couldn't come.
So I hope you didn't do all that for him.
Oh, no, I did this for me and the perv across the way with the binoculars.
Hey, Jamal.
He had to go home and take care of his mother.
- He'll meet us over at the lease signing.
- Hot and loves his mama? Child, I told you he was a keeper.
Who's that big cake for? Oh, that's for you and Hector Hot Sauce.
Well, I don't eat cake, and he's not here.
Oh, well, I guess it's for me, then.
You're diabetic.
A diabetic person can eat anything anyone else can eat.
They just have to be far more careful about it.
Now, that's a quote from the WebMD, so you know it's true.
Interesting you can read all that, you being blind and all.
Don't put limits on me, bitch.
They got Braille computers at the liberry.
Now, be quiet and hand me a damn cake knife.
I don't know why I'm surprised you know anything.
You've somehow still figured out how to do that flawless face.
Ah, well, it's called M and M: memory and magic.
You don't have to see to "see.
" Oh, Louis, that is way too big.
Oh, well, how am I supposed to know? I'm blind, bitch.
Tony at the club tried to come for me again tonight.
Ugh, that man is pure evil.
Plus, he has a problem with the handicapable.
He would not hire a fabulous entertainer like Cocoa Butter, just because I'm vision-impaired.
You fell off the stage.
Once! And Miss Butter got right back up.
She always does.
Mm-mm-mm! That is worth dyin' for.
- [LOUIS.]
Mm-mm! Mm.
Now come over here, so we can toast your fabulous, fabulous new life.
- Whoo! Careful now! You gon' try to blind me too? Oh, well, you would love it.
Think of all the ugliness you wouldn't have to see.
Girl, you did it.
You set your goal, and you went for it.
You went for it all.
You got the money and the man and the modus operandi.
Okay, someone's a fan of Law & Order.
And you got that thing that's most important in this world.
A reason to get up every morning.
So here's to my sister, my favorite queen.
To Queens in Queens.
I'm so proud of you.
Wait, okay, okay - Stop, stop, stop.
Oh, I love that bit.
Well, I couldn't have done it without one person who is very near and dear to me.
- Oprah.
- Uh, who? Without all her old talk shows as inspiration.
I'd still be working the post office in Atlanta.
Oprah taught me how to dream.
She may have taught you how to dream, but I taught you how to put a condom on in the dark.
And which one's more important? You.
Hey! Come back here.
That kid's in a world of hurt.
FYI, I'm wearing a bow tie, and it's really kind of adorable.
Okay, it's right up here on the right.
Kind of a tight fit, but I'm gonna try to fit in.
Not the first time I heard that.
Shout-out, Jamal.
Here, have a seat.
I smell black mold.
Why it gotta be black? Ah, so what happened? Weren't there any grease traps available to rent in this area? Pay no attention to him, Mr.
He's not in the club business.
In fact, he can't even see.
Let's do the deposit and sign the lease.
I got an AA meeting.
Then I gotta go sell some coke.
Well, I was hoping to wait for my business partner.
Um, signing this lease is a big event in our lives.
Well, not for me.
I'm gonna go give this to my father.
And if he comes in here, uh don't mention the coke.
He's so proud of how I turned my life around.
Hey, glad you came.
Thanks for the support.
And make no mistake, honey, after the renovations, this place is gonna be amazing.
- It's so frustrating you can't see.
- Oh, it's frustrating for you? And when we blow through this wall, it's gonna make room for my glorious new stage with its 25-foot runway.
Its what? - Twenty-five-foot runway.
- Oh, are you bringin' it to the runway? Oh, yes, honey.
I'm going to bring it to the runway.
- Bringing it.
- Oh.
- [LOUIS.]
Oh, bringin' it to the runway.
- Bringing it to the runway.
- [LOUIS.]
- Ow.
- Are you walking? - [ROBERT.]
You know it.
Serving on my runway.
- [LOUIS.]
Yes! - Runway.
- Come here, you better get some of this.
- All right.
- Hey.
- [LOUIS.]
- [LOUIS.]
Sell it.
Come on, baby.
- Yes! What? - Okay, yeah.
- Oh.
Oh, go.
- I thank God every day - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- That I woke up feelin' this way - [BOTH EXCLAIM.]
Yes, darling.
Queens is burning.
- Yes! Yeah! - [ROBERT LAUGHS.]
- Oh, girl, I'm dizzy.
Ooh, child.
Ooh, here, come on.
Sit down.
- Just just a little light-headed.
- I know, I know.
All I had for breakfast this morning was some non-fat yogurt.
- See, I knew eating healthy would kill me.
- Well, you had better get it together.
Because when this place opens, Miss Cocoa Butter is gonna be doing two shows every Saturday night.
Girl? - I will? - [ROBERT.]
Hell, yeah.
Every queen needs a princess who's not quite as pretty or talented.
- Ah! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
Card was declined.
Oh, been there, done that, will be there again.
Oh, that's not possible.
I I've never even used this card before.
Uh, I I'll call American Express.
Uh, tell him this card is new, Louis.
Just came in the mail.
- Two cards.
One for him, - [PHONE DIALING.]
and one for his business partner.
Oh, shit.
The same business partner who didn't show up today? [LOUIS.]
Oh, shit.
Uh, Louis, please stop "oh, shittin'" yourself.
There must be a mistake.
I mean I You know what? I'll put it on speaker so you can all hear that there is nothing to worry about.
How long is this gonna take? I gotta pee into a cup for my parole officer.
American Express, this is Monica.
How can I help you today? Yes.
Hi, Monica.
I have a new card here, and there's a problem with it going through.
State your name as it appears on the card.
Robert Lincoln Lee.
My yoga teacher's got three names.
Shiva David Stephens.
Robert, I have your records here, and I see that your account has been maxed out.
Oh, shit.
Wait, that's that's not possible.
I've never even used this card.
I'm seeing this is a joint account.
Can you contact the other cardholder? Well, he was supposed to be here, but he's late.
Oh, shit.
Help, help! We been robbed.
- We been robbed! - [MAN.]
All right, all right.
Calm down, Viola Davis.
Okay, so somebody's been robbed? Yes, yes, he lost all his money, and I lost my ability to believe in a happy ending.
Officer, my boyfriend, or the man I thought was my boyfriend, maxed out the credit card I gave him, and we just came from where he lives, or where he told me he lives, and it was a Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Why would you give your credit card to a man whose apartment you'd never been to? Okay, I'm gonna need to speak to a female officer.
Why would you give a credit card to a man whose apartment you've never even been to? Ooh, enough said.
Can I see your phone? Mm! Mm-hmm.
- Officer Patrick.
- Yo! Can I talk to you about a suspect over here? What'd he do? - And can he do it to me? - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
We got a gay cop.
Lucky for us.
Yeah, aren't we lucky? You're blind, and I'm broke.
Please, Officer.
You have to help me.
I got you, boo.
I need that phone back.
- Oh, sure.
- Give me the phone.
Stop playing.
Now, what do you know about your boyfriend, other than he does not live at Kentucky Fried Chicken? His name is Hector Ramirez, and he has a business degree from [GASPS.]
No No, he probably doesn't.
My God, I am so stupid.
No, sir.
Don't do that.
Don't blame yourself.
These con artists are professionals.
They are slick, manipulative, heartless Like my ex-husband but with cash.
Hold up.
Let me see that phone again.
- Uh-uh.
You - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
It's work-related.
This time.
See? [LAUGHS.]
- It's him.
- Yeah, I thought so.
His face looks different when he's not smiling, but, oh, those guns are definitely the same.
He's cut, right here above the tricep, like mine, you see? Uh, he's blind.
Oh, I just thought he was glamorous.
- Sorry.
- Oh, don't be.
Makes all my other senses much more sensitive.
- May I feel? - Uh, sure.
- He's blind.
He needs a moment.
- Patrick.
- [LOUIS.]
All right, let's see.
Damien Sanchez.
- No, it's Hector Ramirez.
No, it's Damien Sanchez.
But I I didn't even know his real name.
I am so stupid! No, you're doing it to yourself again.
I know because I do it too.
Damien? Like The Omen, Damien? 666, the devil, Damien? [OFFICER.]
And this is one bad dude.
Robbery, aggravated assault - Hot.
- Hot.
Credit card theft with his wife.
- What? His wife? - [OFFICER.]
So, what? He's straight and he's the devil? Oh, girl, you know the devil's gonna be straight.
A gay devil would be tons more fun.
These are photos of possible accomplices.
Come on, Law & Order.
Do any of these look familiar? - No.
Lady Danger.
She hosts illegal pumping parties at the drag clubs.
Pumping parties? Is that where guys use those vacuum tubes to pump up their - [ROBERT.]
- Let him finish.
She pumps cheap medical-grade silicone to give some of the girls at the clubs a little more girl.
But sometimes, it's not silicone.
Sometimes, it's motor oil.
That's why she's Lady Danger.
- [BOTH.]
'Cause you never know.
- I have a question.
- Single.
Is there any way that Lady Danger could have known about your finances? Well Oh, yes, sis.
I saved me up $100,000.
A hundred thousand dollars.
- Look at you, Mr.
Big Shot.
Now hold still while I give you this big shot.
Watch where you're going! I could have killed her! [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Didn't even wash her hands.
What a pig.
Hurts so good.
I may have mentioned something about the money in passing.
Well, if we can get her on the illegal drugs, and she knows about this Damien guy's whereabouts, I may be able to flip her.
I bet you could flip anyone, no matter the size.
Ah, since you know her, maybe we could use your apartment for a sting.
I can't.
I leave tomorrow for a cross-country club tour for eight weeks.
Well, what about your friend here? Would you help us by setting up a sting? - What, you want to come to my apartment? - Yes.
You don't have to ask me twice.
Uh What the hell was that? Shit.
I can't believe he told you he lived at KFC.
Silver lining.
We got us some chicken.
I always knew that man was trouble.
Since when? You were his biggest fan.
"Ooh, girl, that man's a keeper.
" "Girl, you better never let go of that one.
" "Ooh, girl, if you don't marry him, I will.
" No.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
Girl, why'd you stop? I've lost my will to climb.
Just a couple more.
Just go.
What's the point? The point is, we don't live between these two floors.
Now take out your keys.
What's the point? [LOUIS.]
How many more times I gonna hear you say that? Hmm, I I'm fine with it, but aren't you gonna hit the lights? Why start now? I've been living in the dark for the past seven months.
Maybe don't make "living in the dark" jokes to a blind person.
What do I do now? Leg? I can't eat.
Me either.
But I'll try.
I gotta keep up my strength.
So I can be there for you.
I've lost my modus operandi.
My reason to get up in the morning.
Then we got to give you a new one.
Oh, I don't think you have anything in that bag for me, Mr.
Don't be too sure of that, Dorothy.
Now, I was saving these for your Queens in Queens opening night gift, - but that's not happening.
- So far, not feeling any better.
Open it.
You feeling better? They're very nice.
Nice? Girl, I almost went blind all over again stoning these.
Thank you.
Come on, let's put on your Ruby Red slippers.
Talking about my hot man and my perfect relationship.
Talking about how he's a René to my Celine.
Turned out to be the Ike to my Tina.
I thought we had something.
And the kisses, they they felt so real.
A hundred thousand dollars real.
Well, that's it for me.
My love life is over.
I mean even if I could learn to trust a man again, where would I find one? I mean, you know how hard it is to get someone to fall in love with a 40-year-old drag queen? - Wait, are you stuck? - Yeah, on the fact you said you were 40.
Louis, please.
I have nothing.
I have no money, no love.
Can't I at least be 40? You do not have nothing.
You got these boots.
You got me.
Now, come on, get up.
Come on, girl.
You feelin' 'em yet? The only thing I'm feelin' is sorry for myself.
Oh, is that how it is? [CHUCKLES.]
At first, I was afraid I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live Without him by my side You feeling them yet? But then I spent so many nights Thinking how he did me wrong And I grew strong Mm.
And I learned how to get along Go on, now, go Walk out the door Just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore Come on, girl! Weren't you the one Who tried to hurt me with goodbye Did you think I'd crumble? You feeling 'em? Come on! Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I - Whoo! - [LOUIS.]
I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive I got all my life to live And I got all my love to give - And I'll survive - I will survive Yes, I will survive - [ROBERT.]
I will survive - Hey, hey Whoo! You're right, Louis.
You're right.
You know, I don't have nothin'.
I have these fabulous boots.
I have you.
And I still have the money I made last night at the club over there on Oh, hell no! Oh, hell no! What happened? Where are you going? Upstairs.
That little white kid stole the rest of my money.
Go on, now, go Walk out the door Just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one Who tried to hurt me with goodbye? - Did you think I'd crumble? - [KNOCKING.]
Open up! Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I - [ROBERT.]
Give me my money! - I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live And I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive Hey, hey [DOGS BARKING.]
Careful! Those boots will kill you.
Somebody gon' get killed, and it ain't gonna be me.
Well, don't die.
My name is not on the lease.
Everybody thinks they can just steal from me.
Take what's mine.
Well, that ends tonight.
It took all the strength I had Not to fall apart Kept trying hard To mend the pieces of my broken heart And I spent oh, so many nights Just feeling sorry for myself - I used to cry - [DOGS BARKING.]
But now I hold my head up high And you see me Somebody new I'm not that chained-up little person Still in love with you And so, you felt like droppin' in And just expect me to be free - Now I'm saving all my lovin' - That's my money! For someone who's lovin' me Go on, now, go, Walk out the door - Just turn around now - Open this damn window! 'Cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one Who tried to break me with goodbye Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live And I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive - Oh! - Get out of my apartment, bitch.
I'll call the cops.
I am the mother-effin' cops.
I'm hungry! I'm hungry! That's why I took the money.
My mother never came home.
We got evicted.
I've been sneaking in here every night 'cause I have no place else to go.
I'm hungry! [SOBS.]
Please! Please.
Don't hurt me! Okay.
All right.
Don't cry.
It's okay.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Stop crying.
Come on.
Let's get you something to eat.
You see that, Robert? Just when you think you have nothin', you meet somebody with even less.
I'm not there yet.
Any more gravy? No, that was the last of three.
Okay, now I'm there.
Well I'd better go start packing.
While I'm gone, don't let the kid eat the table.
And I thought this was gonna be my last tour.
Okay, this is my last message.
I don't know why you did this to me.
To us.
Maybe you have some drug problem or something I don't know about, but it's not too late to give the money back.
No questions asked, no trouble.
You can't give me my life back, but you can give me my money.
So your name's AJ.
What does AJ stand for? Asshole Jerk-off.
Interesting how sometimes someone gets a name that just suits them.
So, how long has your mother been gone? None of your damn business.
So, what? Are you blind? Yes.
I could've responded with "none of your damn business," but I'm a nice person.
- Were you born blind? - [LOUIS.]
God took my sight when I was about your age for giving shit to nice adults.
You think you're funny? Oh, I know I'm funny.
I had a diabetic stroke at 28.
Right after I told my very Christian father that I was a drag queen.
Turns out he was fine with it, but I'm the one who had the stroke.
A month.
She's been gone a month.
You've been upstairs alone a month? I was in foster care for three weeks.
What was that like? So cool.
Loved it.
Well, AJ life isn't easy.
It is for you.
You get disability insurance.
And here she is.
Miss Scarlett Jo-handsome.
Jesus Christ, you're gay.
Thank you.
Hey! Those are mine.
Oh, don't worry, AJ.
We've got a big ol' chocolate cake left here in the refrigerator.
- Louis.
- It was calling to me in the middle of the night.
Help me pack this dress up for Texas.
Come on, sis.
I got the vacuum cleaner.
You start stuffing Scarlett into the bag.
Uh what Why in hell you gonna take a dress this big in an RV that small? I need her to win me that big chunk of pageant money at my last stop in Dallas.
If I don't win Miss Drag USA, I'll be Miss Drag-Her-Ass-To-Welfare.
I feel bad for little bits over there.
I know, it's so sad.
What should we do? Oh, so now you want to get involved with another thief? He's only a child.
Don't call him a thief.
- Thief! - [LOUIS STAMMERS.]
- You get back here.
- Get me - No! Leave me alone.
- Give me something to tie him up, Louis.
- [LOUIS.]
I'm on it.
I'm on it.
I don't know what's happenin', but I'm on it.
Ow! - You're hurting me.
Oh, please.
They're just pantyhose.
And you can save the tears.
I'm not falling for that again.
It's like the time that cat got trapped in the bedroom wall.
Okay, stop.
I will put a nylon into your mouth, which I cannot promise hasn't been on his foot.
Okay, wise choice.
Now, I'm gonna go in the hall and make a phone call.
And if the screaming starts again, sock him.
I mean, put a sock in his mouth.
Don't hit him.
Girl, you think you have to remind me not to hit a child? Who do you think I am? That mother in Precious? [ROBERT.]
Yeah, Queens, New York.
Yeah, the number for Child Protective Services? No! Untie me! No! [PANTING.]
I'm sorry about this, AJ.
Life sure has thrown you some curves, but you gonna have to find your way around those.
Take me.
Yes, life has made me blind, but when I'm in drag [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
my face is flawless and people are amazed.
'Cause this goes to places you can't even imagine.
And when they ask me how I do it, I tell them, in spite of all the obstacles in your way, you have to find a way to make your life work.
And that is my advice to you, young one.
Yes, God.
And things are tough right now, but they'll change, and then you won't feel so trapped.
Louis, he's gone.
You let him get away.
Well, next time don't make the blind guy the lookout.
You did not hear him? I thought you said your other senses were supposed to be stronger.
Oh, hell, no.
That's just one of my pickup lines.
No way.
I'm at capacity, child.
I had to put dresses on the floor.
Plus I ain't got ceiling room for 20 feet of hair.
I knew I was making her too tall, but, girl, I was feelin' it.
- All right, well, that's it.
I should go.
- [LOUIS.]
You take care of yourself.
No cakes and no doughnuts while I'm gone, you hear me? Yes, ma'am.
I wonder where AJ slept last night.
With the game that kid's running, probably a suite at the Four Seasons.
You did what you could.
Can't help people that don't want help.
Like you said, I got problems of my own.
You gonna be okay? Sure.
I'm gonna get in this RV, turn the key, drive on up to the George Washington Bridge, and then drive right off of it.
Or you're gonna pick yourself up and get back in the game.
Now, you've come too far to let some deadbeat devil stop your flow.
You get back on the road, and you do what you do best.
You're still a star, Robert.
No one can steal that away from you.
You know, I just realized.
I could never start all over again without the help of one very special person in my life.
- Aw.
- Oprah.
And her tapes.
I'm gonna rewatch 'em all over again for inspiration.
And to figure out how I let myself get screwed over by some guy.
And maybe someday I'll get credit for all this brilliance.
Girl, you hungry? Walk, walk, walk [LOUIS.]
What is this? Excuse me.
I I said, excuse me! Hey, you want a girlfriend? Not since kindergarten.
- Are those doughnuts? - Yes.
You hungry? What kind are they? Girl, you sleepin' next to my stoop.
You ain't got time to be picky.
These look good.
Hold that box up.
Hold it up.
Hold it Mm.
This one feels glazed.
I like your hair.
I know you do.
Hey, you want a girlfriend? [OPRAH ON RECORDING.]
I don't have a lot of problems in my life, I have to tell you.
Things are going pretty good for me right now.
But two things have bugged me for years.
The first, my thighs.
- The second - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
The second, my love life.
And it was not a happy day when I found out about a Yale University study saying that women not married by the age of 40, I'm 32, have a greater chance of being killed by a terrorist.
- [OPRAH.]
Can you believe it? - So, today, how to find a husband - [CRYING SOFTLY.]
how to find a wife.
And if you already have a mate, how to keep the one you have from all of us single people who want 'em.
- [OPRAH.]
This is what we've been hearing.
I'm sure you've heard this, those who've been single for a while.
You really need to stop looking, and putting so much [SOBBING.]
I've gone to many a banquet I didn't want to go to - thinking that he'd be here.
You walk into the room and you say, "Okay, God, I'm not looking, but " [HORNS HONKING.]
"Maybe, uh maybe he's over behind the piano.
" - You know, I've done that.
- [AJ.]
Ow! - Get off me! - What? What? - What? - [AJ.]
How What? - [HORN BLARES.]
How did you You're a girl? Shut up.
What How What are you doing in here? Take me to Texas.
What? I heard you say you were going to Texas.
That's where my grandfather lives.
Take me to Texas.
I am not taking you to Texas.
I'm taking you to the nearest police.
- No way.
- Hey, hey, hey.
What what are you doing? We're on a bridge.
You're gonna get yourself killed.
No, I won't.
Let go.
I'm going to Texas.
- Let's just talk about this.
- No talk! Texas! Yes or no? No! No, that's crazy.
Poor guy.
He never saw what was coming next.
Ruby is red hot Hot fire nonstop Who got what I got? Nobody, nobody Ruby is red hot Hot fire nonstop Who got what I got? Ruby is red hot Hot fire nonstop Who got what I got? Nobody, nobody Ruby is red hot Hot fire nonstop Who got what I got? Nobody, nobody [TWINKLING CHIMES.]

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