AJ and the Queen (2020) s01e02 Episode Script


1 Why does everything have to move so slow? It really pisses me off when I have to wait for shit to happen.
I mean, come on.
I'm ten.
I need to get where I gotta be.
Does it ever take a breath? It didn't on the first plate.
Well, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go call America's Got Talent.
Lookin' good, Florence.
Why, thank you.
I'm back on Weight Watchers.
I can tell, girl.
Order up.
Tom, party of four.
Good, huh? This place is famous for their pancakes.
Everybody passing by on the Pennsylvania Turnpike makes a point to stop here and get a taste of those pancakes.
Oh, good story.
Okay, so questions.
When do we get to Texas? No, I meant I have some questions.
Like why do you dress like a boy? Why do you dress like a girl? Well I'm a performer, and that's how I make my living.
That's why I do it.
Why do you do it? Do you want to be a boy? Do you want to be a girl? No, no, I don't wanna be a girl.
I don't want to be a girl either.
Well, kiddo you can be whoever you want to be around me.
I've been told my whole life who I can't Yeah, yeah.
Are you taking me to Texas or not? I was speaking.
That was rude.
And you've got blueberry syrup on your face.
So? Wipe it off.
Don't tell me what to do.
You're not my mother.
I'm not your mother.
I'm a drag queen on a cross-country tour.
So unless you're a pair of fake boobs or roll of duct tape, you really don't belong in the back of my RV.
Order up.
Now when do we get to Texas? Okay, stop looking at your phone, and let's have a real conversation about this.
That's my property.
Don't touch my property, man.
Said the person who kicked in my apartment window and stole all my cash.
Just talk.
Go! Is your name really even AJ? What does it stand for? Amber Jasmine.
My mom named me after her stripper friend and a racist Disney cartoon.
Okay, well, listen, I Okay, how do I get in contact with your mother? I don't know.
Put a couple of oxys in your hand, hold it out.
Maybe she'll come running.
Okay, look, I cannot take you to Texas.
I appreciate your situation, I really do, but I am not the fix here.
We need to take you to the state police, down here off the turnpike and have them help us figure out what's best here.
How's that sound? Like shit.
Take me to Texas or I'll tell the waitress you touched me.
I'm a little white girl.
You're a big black man.
That's not gonna go good for you.
What is wrong with you? Take me to Texas or I'll tell the waitress you touched me.
Okay, go ahead.
She knows me.
She would never believe - Miss, this man - Stop! Stop! She don't know me that well.
Do you need something, darling? I don't know.
Do I? No.
Just the check, Florence.
We've gotta hit the road.
We're going to Texas.
Whoo-wee, Texas! Jesus.
You're like that Chucky doll.
But not as nice.
Jones, party of four.
I'll take you as far as my next gig in Pittsburgh, but this isn't over.
We're having many more conversations about it.
You left her a ten-dollar tip.
That's too much.
Give her a buck.
The woman is 60 years old, on her feet all day, waiting on little psychopaths like you.
Ten is not nearly enough.
See you next time, Florence.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Look, the kid'll be coming back from the bathroom, so I can't talk long.
I'm on a time thing, too.
Officer Muscles arrives in an hour to get ready for the Lady Danger sting.
I want my face to be glowing.
Louis, he's coming there to try to get a lead on my money.
Not to be your new BF.
I spent $7.
95 on this face peel.
I can make this shit happen, 'cause I'm irresistible, bitch.
Now how about that kid? How'd he end up in your RV anyhow? Well, for starters, he is a her.
She identifies as a boy.
Or, actually, I'm not sure where he or she or they is on the gender non-binary scale.
It was so much simpler when we were growing up.
There were just two choices.
Sissy or tomboy, you're done.
Yeah, well, Louis, you have to respect people's gender issues.
Bitch, all your shit just got stole! You ain't gotta respect people's anything.
Look, this is turning into a very heavy scene.
The kid has no one looking out for her and she wants me to take her to her grandfather in Texas.
Be strong, girl.
There are two types of people in this world.
Those that see a stray dog on the road and have to pick it up and those that drive right on by.
And which one am I? The type that takes the damn dog to Texas.
No way.
I won't.
Oh, hold on.
I think that's Old Lady Sweeney from next door here for them Quaker Oats you get her.
It's in the cabinet, next to the Jenny Craig you pretend you can never find.
Oh, so now I'm pretending I'm blind? Ms.
Sweeney? No.
It's Officer Patrick Kennedy.
Uh, be right there.
He's here, bitch.
I'm not ready.
Okay, so call me right after and tell me everything you learn about Hector.
I mean Damien.
I gotta go.
I'm here for you.
Unless you call me from Texas.
You're early.
Yeah, I, uh hope it's okay.
I came right from the gym.
Why go all the way uptown, then back home? You've got white shit smeared all over your face.
Do I? Steal anything from that convenience store? - No.
- Open your jacket.
Open it.
I'll be right back.
and that this is your best friend, and he feels you're his best friend.
I I have best friends, female and, uh, male, whom I really do believe that we're soulmates.
I do believe that soulmates come in the form of something other than, you know, you have to walk down the altar with that person.
I mean Did you have a nice nap? We have to start How could anyone sleep with Oatmeal talking that bullshit the whole way? soulful relationships does not necessarily mean we have to go down the aisle with that.
There are two things that are gonna get you put out right on the side of the road.
Stealing any more of my shit.
And saying anything bad about Oprah.
That woman is my lifeline.
She's the only way I'm coming back from this disaster.
Why'd you ever give that guy your credit card? I thought we were in love.
What an asshole.
Me or him? It's not here.
What isn't? It's not here! - What isn't? - My phone! You put it at the table, and you left it there! Go back! Turn around! No.
We are two hours away from that diner.
You have to go get it.
I need my phone! Go back! Turn around! I can't.
I'm gonna be late for my show.
- No one cares about your stupid show! - Hey! - Hey! - Turn around! - Stop! - I need my phone! I need my phone! I need it! I need it! Enough! Breathe.
I will call the diner.
What's so important about your stupid goddamn phone anyway? Williamsport Diner on Interstate 80.
You know, I can change that code anytime I want to.
And I do frequently.
Uh, I'd like to speak with Florence, the waitress.
Hi, Florence.
I was in there a couple of hours ago.
You know, the guy with the kid and the pancakes.
Yeah, that's the phone.
Listen, we're gonna swing back around there tomorrow and pick it up, okay? What what's that? You're gonna keep it safe for us? Thank you so much.
And that is why you overtip.
Oh, my God.
You just went from, like, zero to ten.
I learned two things that first day on the road: America has a lot of mattress factories, and life sucks even more without your phone.
A little after six, we rolled into a dumpster fire called the Pittsburgh Pipeline.
Like it or not, this rainbow-covered shitshow was the thing standing between me and my phone.
What's that smell? Mm, that's gay bar.
I love the smell of gay bar in the afternoon.
You're going to love Pittsburgh.
Everyone here is so friendly.
It's like going back in time.
Ruby! To the '80s.
- Here's my girl.
- Hi, handsome.
Mwah! Mwah! Well, look what the pussy dragged in.
And you have a child? I knew closing those Planned Parenthood clinics would create a problem.
Girl, this is AJ.
AJ, this is Magda, one of Pittsburgh's finest queens.
Which tells you a lot about the Pittsburgh scene.
Uh, maybe don't tuck your junk in front of a minor.
There are no miners in Pennsylvania, no matter what the president promised.
AJ, this is Edie.
She used to be pretty.
- I'm still pretty, though, right? - Well Wait till you What's his problem? That's Alma Joy and, trust me she may have a couple of nuts, but there is no joy.
She and I had a little let's just say situation, a long time ago, and she's never forgiven me.
You knew I was doing Tina Turner! More like Teeny Turner! I'm the better Tina Turner, bitch! How are you the better Tina Turner, bitch? You're white! That doesn't mean shit! You do Cher! Cher's not white.
Cher is everything! - Oh! - Put your hands together for Miss Tina Turner! Bitch, that had fire! You freak.
Ow! My foot! Oh! - I left a good job in the city - Yeah, Tina! Workin' for the man Every night and day And I never lost One minute of sleepin' Worryin' 'bout the way Things might have been - Big wheel keep on turnin' - Turnin' - Proud Mary, keep on burnin' - Burnin' Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river Say, we're rollin', we're rollin' Rollin' on the river Get off the stage! All right In your face, bitch! I cleaned a lot of plates in Memphis And I pumped a lot of tane Down in New Orleans - No, bitch.
This platform can't take two.
- I'm Tina Turner! Till I hitched a ride On the riverboat queen - Big wheel keep on turnin' - Turnin' - Proud Mary, keep on burnin' - Burnin' And we're rollin', take me rollin' We're rollin' on the river I tell you, we're rollin', rollin' We're rollin' on the river - Ah! Whoa! - Whoa! All right, yeah Ooh, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Whoo! Good to see you, Alma.
Have we met? Oh, okay, no high road? Michelle Obama taught us nothing? Surprised to see you all the way out here in the sticks, Ruby.
Wasn't that what you called us? I guess she'd know all about sticks.
She has that big one stuck up her ass.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
What are you even doing in Pittsburgh? I thought you were opening your own New York club.
Oh, I am.
We're in the middle of huge renovations, and it is going to be major.
Here you go, Edie.
Oh, Ruby, girl, there are burgers at the bar.
- Are you hungry? - I am.
Take me.
Come on.
Let's go.
Follow me.
First kid I ever met who's a top.
What's the T on the toddler? Mother's a hooker and a drug addict.
- Hm, jealous.
- But apparently she's MIA.
So, the kid stowed away in my RV, and I'm trying to figure out what's best here.
I mean, I can't just leave an orphan on the side of the road.
Wow, you're like Angelina Jolie.
If she ate.
You know I think I'll just do my makeup in the RV.
This room's more tense than a kitty cat in a box full of cucumbers.
Hey, handsome.
Well there you are again.
That little thief.
Hey! Don't touch my stuff! I was looking for my phone.
Where is it? I don't have your freaking phone! I know you clocked my security code.
It's on the floor! Hot fire, nonstop - Who - Hello? Oh, hey.
Hi, handsome.
I'll be ready.
All right.
I'm sorry.
But in my defense, it's the one thing of mine you haven't taken.
It's Princess Jasmine, right? Love those pants.
Always wanted some of those.
Do you have a Princess Jasmine doll because your name is Jasmine? Okay, one more question, and feel free to not answer it as well.
Just go.
Ask it.
Why are you always saying you want to be a boy, but then hiding a doll in a sweat sock? I never said I wanted to be a boy.
In the diner, you said you wanted to be a boy.
I said I didn't want to be a girl.
So, if you don't want to be a boy, why are you pretending to be one? Because people leave boys alone.
And I wasn't hiding this.
- I was protecting it.
- Hm.
That's funny.
I made my whole life about not letting people put me in a box, and I go and put you into one.
A forward-thinking, politically correct box, but still a box nonetheless.
From now on don't touch my stuff.
What's wrong with being a girl? Everything.
Uh, can you narrow it down for me? Girls always do what people ask them to.
Even if they don't want to.
I see.
Well, not all girls do that, you know.
Some girls learn how to draw boundaries.
Okay, here we go.
Thanks, Oatmeal.
Well, I can tell you one great thing about being a girl.
You grow up to be a woman.
And, these days women can be whatever they want to be.
Like a stripper or a hooker or drug addict.
Well, for every stripper, there's a there's a woman doctor.
And for every drug addict, there's a Madame Curie and a Justice Sotomayor.
Serena Williams.
And, yes yes, AJ, an Oprah.
That's some crazy shit right there.
Hey, look, I'm just saying that little girls, no matter how they start out, can grow up to be strong, amazing Wonder women.
Wonder Woman's not real, yo.
Okay, well, I tried.
And you think I'm the one hiding things? You're the one who's hiding, dude.
Telling that guy out there that you still have a club? I'm starving.
I thought they said they were gonna send me out a burger.
This is yours.
It's 12 past midnight Don't close your eyes Your soul's half alive And I'll be by your side I've come to take you there Yo, man.
What's up? Can I get a beer? Can I get arrested, Baby Jane? Okay.
It's cool.
No, not cool.
Get your underage heinie backstage where it belongs.
Relax, bro.
I'm going.
Here, have some popcorn.
That don't make it all right.
That bachelorette party is buggin' me.
Which bachelorette party? The girls or the gays? Can you tell the difference? One hundred percent pure love Did I hear you cry Or did you like the ride Anything you want me to plug besides your new, better-than-us New York club? Actually I have to tell you the truth about something.
I was the better Tina Turner? No, I said I have to tell you the truth.
I'm not going to have a new club.
The man I was in love with scammed me out of all my money and took off.
I only have what I'll make on this tour to live on.
I am embarrassed and devastated.
And that's the truth.
No, that's not the truth.
The truth is you're embarrassed and devastated and I was the better Tina Turner.
Give it up for Magda! - Yeah! - So sorry.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! I'm getting married.
I'm sorry.
Wonder women.
You know what? Actually, put someone else on before me.
I'm gonna do a different number.
- Sorry.
- This is your big crowd-pleaser.
Well, tonight, I'm looking to hit a smaller demographic.
I told you not to let me have more than three! I'm not coming out there till that's cleaned up.
You kept me waiting a long time.
Uh, yeah, sorry, it takes me longer to get around.
I'm blind.
Yeah, I remember.
Last time, you tried to get disability discount.
I was like, "Wow, this blind lady thinks I take coupons.
" Well, tonight's not about me.
It's about my friend.
She's from out of town.
Hello, I'm Daphne.
Should have brought the bigger bag.
Okay, CD.
Ruby is red hot What happened, Louis? This is Officer Patrick Kennedy.
Louis is otherwise engaged.
I-I got her to flip after we promised not to book her on the drug charge.
Oh, Louis, I don't I don't think I have any makeup down there.
Oh, you don't? Sometimes foundation travels.
Uh, it turns out it was Lady Danger who told him about your money.
And I suspect that they worked the grift together.
Grift? I've been grifted? Like those sad ladies who send all their money to Ethiopian boyfriends? Yeah.
Yeah, it seems that these two target older drag queens with cash.
They're an easy mark because they're mostly all alone and desperate for someone to love them.
Robert, you still there? Yeah, sure.
So, what now? Well, uh, she gave up his address, so we, um we pick him up and we book him on grand larceny.
And then we book her on those 53 delinquent parking tickets.
Uh, can can you get my money back? I'll know when I get there.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go! He's not going anywhere without revitalizing toner.
What's all that? The stuff for Ruby's number.
Oh, here, will you give this to Donny in the sound booth? I would, but he still hasn't forgiven me for that time I roofied him.
Hey, everyone! Uh, heads up.
Half this audience wasn't even born when The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas was on Broadway.
And why are you doing a number we used to do in the old show? I have one big reason.
Actually, a little reason.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay! This next act is amazing, and she came all the way from the Big Apple.
So please try not to projectile vomit directly on her! Give it up for my second favorite ginger Ruby Red.
- Yeah! - Ruby! Ruby! Girl Get a hold now Straighten up Look alive Girl, you're a woman You'll survive Remember one good thing When you are moving on Is wonderin' what you'll find And one good thing About a past that's gone Is leavin' it behind Girl, you're a woman Keep your head up high, girl You're a woman Look 'em in the eye, girl - You're a woman - Yeah! Startin' on your way Girl, I think this is your lucky day Pull it in now Stand up tall - Look real proud - Oh, yeah.
Girl, no more cryin' Not out loud Remember, one good thing About the tears you shed Oh, you won't do that no more And one good thing About a dream that's dead You're wiser than before Girl, you're a woman Keep your head up high, girl You're a woman Look 'em in the eye, girl You're a woman Startin' on your way Girl, I think this is your lucky day All she needs Is a little bit of fixin' up To pull herself together She'd be pretty if she'd only try To pull herself together And I'll help her It's as easy as can be Pretty soon She's gonna look a lot like me Girl, you're a woman All she needs Is a little bit of fixing up Keep your head up high, girl You're a woman Look 'em in the eye, girl You're a woman Startin' on your way Girl, I think this is your lucky day.
You want a date? - Shit.
- Take it easy.
Oh, no, no.
No, I need my phone.
No, I I need my phone! Give me my phone! Get me my phone.
No, no, no, no, no! I need my Tianna? Tianna, girl, get my phone! It's the only way I can get in touch with my daughter.
- Please! - Come on! No! No! You're a woman Startin' on your way Ooh.
Why did you do that? I'm not like you.
I don't want to be pretty.
Where should I sleep? We gotta get up early to go get my phone.
You can fit up here.
But but you gotta clean up that hair first.
Open up! Damien Sanchez, we know you're in there.
Open up.
Don't open that door! Okay? Don't open it for anything.
Open up! Why are you smiling, freak? I was dreaming you weren't here.
Girl? Oh, girl.
Higher, Louis.
I can't see you.
- Girl.
- Uh, over to the left.
- Girl.
- No, no, your left.
No, you've gone too far.
Go back.
Okay, stop.
Stop right there.
Louis, what what's wrong? You look upset.
Girl, he was just here.
I opened the door thinking it was Old Lady Sweeney, - and it was him.
- Who? - The devil! - What? Yes, girl, and he was mad.
He put his hands all over me.
I mean, I was manhandled.
And not in the good way.
Oh oh, my God, Louis.
Are you okay? Yes, girl.
But, girl, I'm all shook up.
He was here with Lady Danger.
They wanted to know where you were, but I would not tell them.
No, ma'am.
- He They wanted to know where I was? - Mm-hmm.
Yes, ma'am, but I said to him, "I will never tell where she is.
Lord God, I will not tell.
" Oh, my God, Louis Don't worry, I did not tell them you were in Pittsburgh.
- Louis! - Calm down.
I did not tell 'em you were doin' a two-night gig at the Pittsburgh Pipeline.
Uh I smell Gucci.
So you couldn't just leave it alone? Couldn't take it like a man and had to go crying to the cops? Well, you really screwed up my life.
so now I'm gonna come down there and screw up your pretty face.
You made a big mistake, girl.
See you soon.
Louis? They're gone.
Pick up the phone.
Pick it up, Louis.
The other way.
Louis, you keep going the wrong way! Ah, well, I'm blind, bitch! They're comin' for me.
What do we do? We get the F out of Pittsburgh.
Down and out and lost and found Had to pick myself up off the ground Saw the light, got turned around Never gonna be, no more, no more, no Long nights, winter blues Already paid the dues He said he's gonna screw up my face.
That's my second favorite body part.
You know you're driving on the wrong side of the street, right? Huh? Seat belt.
- Got what she got? - Nobody, nobody Oh.
- Breathe.
- Would you please stop saying that? Yes, I freaked out in Pittsburgh, but I'm fine now.
Fine now? Five minutes ago, you almost ran over the guy selling oranges on the highway.
Well, he surprised me.
And what was he even doing there? Is an off-ramp on the Pennsylvania Turnpike the new hot spot for citrus sales? Jesus, where are you going? Let's go get my phone.
I am not wearing a kimono into a diner in rural Pennsylvania.
If I had that much of a death wish, I would have waited in Pittsburgh.
- Okay, yeah.
- Come on.
- This way.
- Great.
Jensen, party of five.
Jensen, party of five.
Wow, look at all this butter! I said no butter on the English muffin.
Look at all this.
It's too much butter.
- Jensen, party of five.
- What What are you doing? What's wrong? He's here.
In the booth in the back.
- That's him? - Yeah.
With the lady with the eye patch.
Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Okay, stay here.
I'll get my phone.
They don't know me.
Don't worry.
I was built for this shit.
- You heard me say, "No butter," right? - Enough with the butter! I'm gonna lose my mind with you and the butter.
There's my little man.
Here's your phone.
- Florence, pick it up.
- Oh, that's for me.
Miller, party of two.
Just eat it already.
I want to get there and get this over with.
It's bad enough I had to wait for you to go home and change.
Hey, don't take it out on me.
I'm not the one that sold you out.
I gave them your mother's address.
She's the one that turned you in.
She's still pissed I never got her that lap band.
I get it.
That's a big disappointment.
People freak out about cosmetic procedures.
I once had a queen pull a gun on me.
Let it go.
You got other shit to deal with.
But still, turn me in? It hurts.
You want something, kid? Pick it up.
Jensen, party of five, final call.
Jensen, party of five.
Final call.
Go, go! Come on, come on! Hurry! How is it possible that he's here? You said everyone stops for pancakes on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
- There's his car.
How did I not see that? - Which one? The red one that looks like it belongs to a pimp.
How did I not ever see that that was a pimp car? It's so clearly a pimp car! What are you doing? - Payback! - AJ, stop.
He loves that car.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go before he comes out here and cuts off my first favorite body part.
- Come on! - It was stuck! And don't run with a knife.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Lord.
This is insane.
This is all crazy.
Seriously crazy.
What happened to my life? I don't like this.
I don't want any of this.
We should go before they come out here.
I just want to listen to my Oprah tapes and get my life back on track.
Look, that guy in there, he's coming for you and he means business.
And you think this is going to help you? It's from 1986! This crap doesn't work anymore.
So stop thinking like a pussy and start acting like a man.
Go! Okay, but, first, you listen.
Don't get it twisted.
Just because I make a gorgeous woman doesn't mean I'm not a man.
So never say that to me again.
And, second you go out and bring back Oprah.
You are very, very wrong about her.
Go! I'm going.
Come on.
Come on.
Close your door.
Lock it.
All right.
Are you taking me to Texas? I'll take you as far as my next gig, then we can talk.
Buckle up.
Let's go.

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