AJ and the Queen (2020) s01e03 Episode Script
Columbus
1 [ENGINE STARTS.]
[AJ.]
I once heard this asshole say that, in life there's no such thing as accidents.
[CRASH ECHOES.]
[AJ.]
My entire life has been an accident.
I'm not complainin'.
That's not my thing.
But, come on, shit happens.
[HORN BLARES.]
Oh, my God! I had no idea I was that athletic.
Are you okay? Are you hurt? Can you feel your legs? Calm down, dude.
It's a fender bender.
- Are you all right? - [YELPS.]
I can't feel my legs! I feel terrible.
This is totally my fault.
Yeah, we were just talking about that.
I was texting a Grumpy Cat meme to my pet psychic.
I am so sorry about this.
Apology accepted.
We gotta run.
Bye! Don't you want to get out and see the damage? No.
I'm too damaged to see more damage.
Bye! Look, give us 500 bucks, we'll call it a day.
Maybe that should be enough to get me walking again.
- All I have on me is $200.
- Take it.
Any gift cards in there? Starbucks? Target? AJ, AJ, we have got to go before he comes out and sees his tires.
I think I saw a bag of pot in her purse that we could always sell.
Oh, great.
Now you want to introduce illegal drugs into the mix? [CRYING.]
You know, this is my fifth accident.
My dad always says, "Diane, I am shocked you haven't killed someone.
" Diane, you have to stop talking! [PANTING.]
Stop.
- I know.
I see it.
- [GIRL ON PHONE.]
Who are you with? - [GASPS.]
- It's him.
I thought she was in Pittsburgh.
["RUBY IS RED HOT" PLAYING.]
Who got what I got? - Got what she got? - Nobody, nobody [CROWD CHEERING.]
Can I get 40 back? - [SONG FADES.]
- [TRUCK HORN BLARES.]
He saw me, kiddo.
Gotta go.
Forget the gift cards.
Just give me the weed.
Get off your phone.
Let's go! - Uh, just walk it off - [LADDER CLANGS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
These heels were not made to run in.
- What? - What do you mean, "What?" Look at my damn tire! - Wow, that is totally flat.
- [DAMIEN.]
And so is the other one.
That bitch! - [DAMIEN.]
Damn it! - [GIRL.]
Uh-oh! Nana said a bad word.
Oh [CHUCKLES.]
I know, baby.
I'm doing grown-up business, okay? - Bye-bye.
A million kisses.
- [GIRL.]
Bye.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh, that bitch.
[DAMIEN.]
Yeah, you already called him that.
No, my daughter.
She cut bangs on my grandbaby.
She knows I hate bangs on kids.
Stop freaking out.
I stabbed those tires real good.
I just don't understand why he's following me.
- Maybe it's because he's in love with you.
- That's what I thought.
But I didn't want to say it out loud.
- [SIGHS.]
- I was kidding.
So was I.
It just doesn't make sense.
He's already stole all my money.
Except for $500 I have in a college fund account my aunt Charmaine set up for me.
You could probably cash that out now.
Well, actually, it's only $300.
I dipped into it a while back for some custom tucking panties.
I cannot believe that he had the balls to do his.
I don't know why you're so surprised.
You've seen 'em.
- [DAMIEN.]
Seen what? - Her balls.
[LADY DANGER SIGHS.]
Let's get something straight.
I never did anything to him.
He did stuff to me.
Repeat that.
Why? For clarity.
I never did anything to him.
He did stuff to me.
Repeat that.
Fine.
All right.
He only did stuff to you.
Whatever.
I don't care what people do.
Half my girlfriends have penises.
[DAMIEN.]
I only have one tire? So by the time the AAA gets here, they'll be long gone.
Relax, I got this.
[HOSTESS ON PA.]
Cook, party of four.
Cook, party of four.
- Who needs AAA when you got this? - [DAMIEN.]
Hey! And now you have two.
We're in a parking lot.
So? It's an open-carry state, right? [POLICE SIREN WAILING.]
[AJ.]
Punch it! I can't punch it.
It's a cop.
[AJ.]
Lightweight.
Don't say anything.
I'll handle this.
[INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
Hello, Officer.
You know why I pulled you over today, sir? 'Cause he's black.
The reason I pulled you over is your left tail light's completely smashed.
Officer, a woman with a very ugly driving record was texting someone a Grumpy Cat meme and backed right into it.
This literally just happened, and we haven't been able to fix it, but we will.
How is that you two know each other? - Well, Officer, long story - He's my dad.
- He's your dad, huh? - [AJ.]
Yep.
My really gay, black dad.
Let me ask you again.
Why is this child riding in your vehicle? Like she said I'm her dad.
And she's white because my husband Dylan is white.
Which no big surprise there.
I mean, with a name like Dylan.
[CHUCKLES.]
Am I right? Anyway, Dylan and I decided to spin our sperm.
And his won.
Which he never lets me hear the end of [CHUCKLES.]
I'll tell you.
License, please.
Yes.
[WALLET UNZIPS.]
Do you ever watch CHiPs? Never saw it.
That Erik Estrada was just terrific.
[WALLET ZIPS.]
I'll take your word for it.
[AJ.]
Dude! Spin sperm? Okay, so how else was I gonna explain the very obvious lie that I have a little white daughter? This is Pennsylvania.
I was desperate.
Is anything bad from your past gonna come up? I guess what I'm asking is should I get out and run? No.
I'm a model citizen.
Okay, if I did some questionable things in the '80s as a go-go boy will that show up? What's a go-go boy? A boy who goes and goes.
Okay, here he comes.
Don't say another thing.
I mean it, AJ.
Not one thing.
No citation.
But you get that fixed today.
'Cause every cop that sees that is gonna pull you over.
Everything okay over there, little one? You know, 'cause if something was wrong, y you could tell me.
I'm right here.
Everything okay? He's speaking to you, AJ.
Answer him.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
You told me not to say anything to the cop.
I did, Officer.
I did.
Because she shows no respect for authority.
She got that from Dylan's sperm.
All right.
Enough of that.
Here you go.
Drive safely, huh? [TAPS ON DOOR.]
[AJ LAUGHS.]
- Oh, you find that funny? - [CONTINUES LAUGHING.]
Almost seeing me in handcuffs.
Did you enjoy that? I did.
I really did.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[DAMIEN.]
Two donuts on a $40,000 ride.
And I just bought those rims.
They're custom.
What's that? A cop? Can I catch a break today, man? Keep going.
I have 53 unpaid parking tickets.
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna pull up around the corner and I'm gonna wait for him.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
I thought you said you stabbed those tires good.
Hey, I can only do so much here.
Look, I know you're upset about your car and her balls and everything but this shit's done.
I gotta go back to New York.
I have a business to run.
No.
You had a business to run.
The cops are all over your game now.
What? You don't think that all those queens you pumped talk? No one's gonna risk coming to you anymore.
Come on, think about it.
Half your girls aren't even legal.
[SCOFFS.]
Wow.
I never thought about it like that before.
Bitch screwed up my game too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ROBERT.]
Okay, we have to find another way to Columbus.
They're probably hiding up ahead, just waiting for us Open the glove compartment.
Give me the maps.
I'll just GPS it on my phone.
No, we need to take some crazy little side roads where no one can find us.
We need a map.
Come on.
You're surprised to see a satin glove in a drag queen's glove box? [SIGHS.]
Maps.
Okay, here we go.
[AJ.]
Wow.
It keeps getting bigger.
Didn't know they still made these.
They're for people who still want to use their brains to get somewhere.
And also, so hipsters can have wall art.
Okay, we're here.
And we want to get to Columbus.
Okay, change of plans.
We'll go through Hershey.
Girl, we gonna take the Hershey highway.
- If you were older, you'd love that.
- Hershey! Like the candy? Yeah, that's where it's made.
Can we stop and get some? I'll tell you what.
I'll stop and get candy for you, and you can do something for me.
Call your mother.
Let her know where you are.
I can live without candy.
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[OFFICER.]
Well, look who it is.
They tell me you put up quite a fight.
- It was an accident.
- Which? The oral sex in the car for money the drugs in the pocket, or attacking the arresting officer? I didn't attack him.
It was my purse.
My purse hit him 'cause he swang me around so hard when he grabbed me.
Look.
Look.
Still have his fingerprints on my arm.
- See? - They're not prints.
They're marks.
They're finger marks.
Fingerprints are the kind with ink.
And it's "swung me around," not "swang.
" Were you a teacher or something? [CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
So you're gonna be a wiseass - on top of resisting arrest? - [MOTHER.]
No.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Officer, I really wasn't resisting.
I was just trying to run back to grab my phone.
It fell out of my hand when he grabbed me.
Look, please it is the only way I can get in touch with my daughter.
Please.
If I don't call her, she won't know where I am.
I think she'll figure it out.
It's not like you got a big life.
You're either in here or in someone's car.
I'm entitled to one phone call.
Knock yourself out.
["OHIO" PLAYING.]
Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh - Why did I ever leave Ohio? - [TIRES SCREECH.]
Why did I wander To find what lies yonder When life was so cozy at home? [AJ.]
We rolled into Ohio after a bullshit stop at the Hershey factory.
They wanted to charge us $10.
95 each for something called "The Chocolate Tasting Experience.
" Yeah, right.
The bag that I stole in the gift shop was free.
Well, it's never good getting it from the rear.
Your tail light's all busted, and this ladder broke clean off.
Can you fix her, Bob? I love this ol' RV.
She ain't that pretty, but she's aging naturally, unlike a lot of today's screen stars.
[LAUGHS.]
I can fix anything.
Clearly, you didn't Yelp me.
Three years in a row voted "Best Garage in Zanesville.
" Well, I'm glad we came-sville.
You just make that up? Um, yeah, I did.
I may have to use that.
Cost you 100 bucks.
Uh, just pretend she's not talking.
It's a skill I've yet to master.
You better let me take a look at it.
Feel free to wait in the office.
There's fresh coffee there.
Best coffee in Zanesville.
That's according to me, not Yelp.
Last Hershey's Kiss.
You sure you don't want it? You were eyeing these the whole way.
Thanks, but no thanks.
My last kiss cost me $100,000.
It's hot.
- Hey, maybe take off this knit cap.
- Hey! - Here, let me just fix one thing.
- No.
Here, what Hold on.
- Let me just fix one thing.
- [AJ.]
Stop it.
[LAPTOP CHIMES.]
[SOUND EFFECT PLAYS.]
Do you have any idea how much longer? No, I do not.
I do the books.
Husband Bob does the bodywork.
Oh, Bob's your husband.
So we got us a real, authentic mom-and-pop shop.
[AJ.]
Bob was right.
- This is some good-ass coffee.
- You swear too much, AJ.
You swear all the time.
"Bitch, you fine as hell.
Oh, no way, bitch.
" Well, I think I've earned a few curse words.
My childhood was very rough.
In fact, you know, I I basically had to do everything on my own.
Got by with no help from anyone.
Sweetheart [SIGHS.]
I don't need to know your life story.
Want a sip? Well, if it's as good as he said.
Oh, my God.
How much sugar did you put up in here? You just drank the last kiss, lady.
- [ROBERT.]
Are you gonna call your mother? - No.
Because I was just thinking this might be a good time to call her.
Won't have to call.
She left a message.
Oh, is she okay? She's never okay.
Well, maybe you should give her a call back.
Why do I have to call back and take care of her? She should be taking care of me.
I'm the kid! [WHINING.]
[LOUD, HIGH-PITCHED HOWLING.]
Sir? - The noise? - [HOWLING STOPS.]
Hey, lady, can I use your bathroom? Sure.
It's over there in the corner.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [SIGHS.]
She's a bit of a handful.
Completely unpredictable.
Case in point, her hair.
That hair was gorgeous yesterday.
Like Angelina Jolie gorgeous.
Well, Angelina Jolie in Mr.
And Mrs.
Smith, not Girl, Interrupted, or as I like to call it, Girrrl, Interrupted.
- And then - [GAME SOUND EFFECTS PLAYING.]
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Twenty-one.
Blackjack.
[SIGHS.]
[MOTHER.]
Baby? Hi, it's me.
Um [CRYING.]
look, I know I promised I wasn't gonna get into any more trouble.
I'm really sorry.
- But I promise - [PHONE BEEPS.]
[SWALLOWS.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[AJ.]
Someone's in here.
[ROBERT.]
Just checking.
You all right? No.
I fell in.
What is all this? [ROBERT.]
Those are calendars.
They're a cousin to the map.
[AJ.]
Look.
It's the same lady in all of them.
Same lady, same lady, same lady, same lady, same lady.
I think that's the woman out there, - just way younger and a lot more boobier.
- [ROBERT.]
Hmm.
That is her.
She was gorgeous back in the day.
And I didn't notice she had such large breasts.
Let's not ask her about this.
I get the sense she's not a sharer.
[AJ.]
Okay, but [SIGHS.]
you're the talker.
Hm.
Wash your hands? No.
I never do.
It's a racket.
Here.
I am always within two feet of a Clorox wipe.
Hands.
What is wrong with you? Are you the booby lady on the calendars? AJ! I'm sorry.
[CHUCKLING.]
It's okay.
Yeah, that's me.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
I just need you to initial there, there, and there.
So, where did they go? A again, so sorry.
Feel free to go back to your paperwork.
I know you're not much of a talker.
I had breast cancer about five years ago.
Found a lump, went in they told me I had Stage 3 breast cancer and chances are it'd probably spread to the other one, so I decided to rip 'em both off.
Double mastectomy.
Did some chemo.
[SIGHS.]
Threw up a lot.
Lost my hair.
It was hell.
But here I am.
[BOB.]
And, boy, did my wife have the most beautiful breasts.
Back in the day, Helen won every wet T-shirt contest in the tristate area.
That's how we paid the down payment on our first house.
Just beautiful.
Well, now they're gone.
[AJ.]
Except for in the bathroom.
- Your boobs are all over that place.
- Oh, my Lord & Taylor.
She's always after me to take 'em down, but I keep telling her, - those calendars are my - Sweetheart.
Nobody needs to know your life story.
Well, I got the good news, bad news.
I have the parts to fix your rear light and a ladder that could work.
But your transmission's leaking.
I spotted a leak, so I threw the RV up on the lift and took a look.
You've got a fractured fuel line.
It's too dangerous to drive.
I need to keep it overnight.
Wait, overnight? And we can't sleep in the RV because it's on the lift thing, right? There's a reasonable motel right down the street.
Gotta warn you, don't get chatty with Dede in the coffee shop.
I don't need to know her life story? No one does.
Damn.
I I I brought her in for a broken tail light, and now you're telling me you found all these other things wrong with her.
Why is this happening? I don't understand.
The RV has cancer.
[CHORTLES.]
[AJ.]
They have a pool.
I want to go swimming.
Did your mother teach you how to swim? Oh, yeah.
She used to take me to a spa outside the city.
It had an Olympic-size swimming pool.
And she got me a coach who gave me private swimming lessons every day.
- That's what you wanted to hear? - [CHUCKLING.]
It is.
It so is.
[AJ.]
Nah.
A bunch of us were taken to the lake by some do-gooders with dreads.
[SIGHS.]
But I wouldn't go in the water.
Didn't trust the whole situation.
Okay, well, stay away from the pool.
You can't swim, and we don't have any floaties.
What are those? Things you put on your arms to help you float on the water.
Floaties.
Come on, man.
How hard can it be? On YouTube, they throw babies in at six months.
Yeah, and they sink.
They just don't show you that part.
No floaties, no swimming.
Well, you get what you pay for.
Whoo! Two beds! I love it! [AJ.]
And right next to the pool? Ah, this is the living.
That's enough jumping.
Come off the bed till I can Clorox wipe it.
Ugh, I knew I should have brought sheets.
Can't jump, can't swim.
Can I at least get something to eat? Yes.
Take your little Instagram dog friend and go to the motel coffee shop.
I'll meet you in a minute.
And don't talk to strangers.
[AJ.]
Okay, but who's stranger than you? ["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
Girl Just walk it off Well I'm in Ohio.
Well, I'm in the hallway with a locksmith who I think charges by the hour.
So hold that thought.
Uh, not by hour.
By trip.
[LOUIS.]
Oh, you are too kind.
Um, do you want a Diet Coke? Uh, no, thank you.
I'm a Pepsi guy.
Oh, to each his own.
Excuse me.
Okay, back to you, bitch.
I tried to call you three times today to tell you I left two messages with Officer Patrick at the station.
I'm afraid Damien and Danger are gonna come back and get me.
They already tried to kill me once.
Louis - you were not almost killed.
- [LOUIS.]
Says you.
I hid my suitcase in case they were thinking of stuffing me in it.
You don't have to worry about them, 'cause now they're following me.
Oh, thank God.
I mean oh, no.
AJ slashed their tires, and now I'm in a motel.
And there's a weird stain next to my bed.
That little kid slashed their tires? Careful, girl.
Next thing, she gonna slash your damn throat.
- When you gonna get rid of her? - [ROBERT.]
Louis, I cannot just get rid of her.
She's a child.
I need to find out who and where her mother is.
On second thought get me Diet Coke.
Oh, now I'm the help? [SCOFFS.]
No good deed.
I cannot sleep with this stain looking at me all night.
I'll just [SIGHS.]
Unbelievable.
Where's the damn Bible? Yes.
Thank you, Jesus.
Seriously, Louis, why are they still following me? I mean, he's taken everything from me.
What more does he want? - Girl.
- Yeah? You sound really scared.
Okay, that's what a concerned friend sounds like, in case you didn't recognize it.
I didn't.
[LOUIS.]
Well I'm gonna give the police another call because I love you and because I think I just poured Diet Coke in your jewelry box.
Girl, you'd better be joking about that jewelry box.
Well Hello? Oh, she did not just hang up on me.
Louis? It's Officer Patrick.
The desk sergeant gave me your messages.
[GRUNTS.]
Well first of all - hello [CHUCKLES.]
- Hi.
If I had known you were coming, I'd have thrown on something more fitted.
You you look great.
Mm-hmm.
[LOUIS CHUCKLES.]
Is everything okay? Oh, it is now that New York's finest is here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, sir, sir, uh You can't waste police time by leaving inflammatory messages.
Oh, they weren't inflammatory.
Uh, "Help, help, they're coming to get me.
I'm not safe.
" "Help, I'm still not safe.
I think they're on the stairs now.
Help.
" Uh, what I said was, "Have Officer Patrick call me.
" I had a feeling that desk sergeant was a bit of a drama queen.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- He is kind of a drama queen.
Right? - [LOUIS.]
Who you talking to? - Sorry.
Uh, that's Officer Jones.
Oh.
And my second husband has his third and fourth vertebrae out and will not get off the couch.
I said to him, "Dan, I love ya, but I cannot sit in this house one more night and hear you talk about your spine.
" Can I ask you a question, Dede? Yes, darlin'.
Can you grab my Thousand Island dressing? - Never got it.
- Oh, dear Lord, I am so forgetful.
I had a subdural hematoma on my brain removed last year after I took a fall line dancing.
Hit my temple on the leg of a bar stool, - and now I can't remember crap.
- [ROBERT.]
Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- No Boobs was right.
- [ROBERT.]
Mm.
She is a talker.
"Sweetheart, we don't need to know her life story.
" [LAUGHS.]
Hey, speaking of life stories, what'd you say your mother's name was again? Diane something? Hm.
Good one.
Sneaky.
If I tell you, you won't take me to see my pop-pop in Texas.
But nice try.
Listen.
I'm being chased.
This is dangerous now, and I don't want to be responsible if something bad happens.
That's cool.
Don't worry.
If anything bad happens to me nobody will care.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
AJ people with addiction have a hard time.
And, you know, just because someone's a drug addict doesn't mean they don't love you.
They just love drugs more.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Oh, there you are.
I was hopin' to find you here.
I got the estimate for the repairs.
Wait, y-you came all the way over here just to tell me that? That's so Ohio.
[LAUGHS.]
No, I also came to pick up John, the cook over there.
We're driving to the wet together.
He's my designated driver.
John's been clean and sober for five months, since his wife kicked him out and told him he couldn't see the grandkids - till he cleaned up his act.
- Never got my hot sauce.
I I'm sorry.
You still have a wet T-shirt contest? The Zanesville Roadhouse still honors the tradition.
In the '90s, the lesbians took over for a while, it's back to the straights now.
Just good fun.
Amazing.
I-I thought that went out with the side ponytail and leg warmers.
Two things I never thought I could do without, but turns out I could.
[BOB.]
And speaking of body parts, I got the damage.
Two thousand to fix everything.
What? Pittsburgh only paid $1,000.
I guess I'll have to somehow scrape together the other $1,000.
It's too bad you're not a hot-looking chick.
You could win that $1,000 tonight.
["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
There's a lot of plastic thingies in here.
[ROBERT.]
It says "breast plates" on the side.
It should be under the tub marked "gay pride extravaganza.
" Found them.
I don't usually wear a breastplate, because my drags is more illusion, but tonight, we're going for big boob realness.
Is it this rubbery thing? Yes.
And this rubbery thing is everything.
Come on, dude.
Seriously? You're going into a club wearing these? I'm not.
Ruby is, darling.
Closing up.
You two about done? Just getting some essentials.
I have no idea what's going on in here.
But, sweetheart this is one story I do need to know.
Just walk it off [RUSTLING.]
Whoever that is, you should know I have a gun.
[AJ.]
You should know, so do I.
Come out them bushes.
I told you to stay at the motel with the door locked.
I'm trying to protect you.
You think that I want to lay around and watch cable? - I'm trying to protect you.
- Protect me from what? The straights.
You heard Bob.
It's their club again.
- AJ, this isn't the Jets and the Sharks.
- What's that? It's from West Side Story.
[AJ.]
I don't know what that is [IMITATING HELEN.]
but, sweetheart, I don't need to know the west side's story.
[LAUGHS.]
It's a good thing you're funny.
We're pretty much there, so you might as well just come.
If anything bad happens, I've got your back.
Well, I appreciate that, but nothing bad is gonna happen to me.
[AJ.]
You're gay with fake boobs in Ohio.
You know, for someone so smart, you have a very limited view of the world.
You can't just divide everyone into categories.
People are more complex than that.
And besides, no one is gonna clock the fact that I'm not a real woman.
[AJ CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, right.
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- [RUBY.]
Watch this.
[IN HIGHER PITCH.]
Excuse me, handsome.
[GIGGLES.]
Is this where the wet T-shirt contest is? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Bye.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Speechless? Yes, child.
I'm a professional.
- [AJ.]
Your legs are too skinny.
- [RUBY.]
Thank you.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Whoo, Sharon! [LAUGHS.]
Now, that's a different Sharon than we're used to seeing at the DMV.
[CROWD CHEERS.]
Well done, Sharon.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! - [MAN 1.]
Yeah! - [ANNOUNCER.]
Look at Dave over here.
Dave, get your eyes back in your head.
[CROWD LAUGHS.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Here we go.
There you are, darling.
Stage is yours.
Do your thing.
- [WOMAN 1.]
Yeah! - [WOMAN 2.]
Whoo! [GASPING.]
You okay? - Whoo! Yeah! - [ALL CHEER.]
- [HELEN.]
It's crowded back there.
- [ANNOUNCER.]
The price of fame.
Want to come up here? Closer? There's no place to sit.
- There is now.
- [ANNOUNCER.]
There she goes.
So let's give a big round of applause to all our contestants tonight.
[SOFTLY.]
Hi.
Can you put this on for me? - Sure.
- My eyes are up here, sir.
- [RUBY.]
Higher.
- [ANNOUNCER.]
They're all beauties.
Let's see who's gonna win that $1,000.
Two, four, six, a lot of tits here tonight.
Ooh, I forgot.
Can I say that without offending any snowflakes here? - [CROWD LAUGHS.]
- Okay, time to vote.
[DJ.]
Whoa, hold up, Bob.
We got one more.
["CATCH ME I'M FALLING" PLAYING.]
- I am descending - [CROWD CHEERS.]
From heaven above So catch me, I'm falling Hold on to my love [CROWD CHEERS.]
Are you ready, boy? Here I come, catch me, I'm falling - You - You, you, you Came into my life The look in your eyes Took me by surprise It's you and nobody else Your love has made me so blind I can't see I am descending From heaven above So catch me, I'm falling Baby, just hold on to my love Catch me, I'm falling Catch me now, I'm falling - Catch me, I'm falling - [CROWD CLAPPING TO BEAT.]
Catch me now, I'm falling Falling in love - Falling in motion - [MAN 2.]
Yeah! As though I had wings Your sweet love and devotion Baby, it's magic A magical thing Catch me, I'm falling - Catch me now, I'm falling - Oh, oh, oh, oh Catch me, I'm falling - Whoa! Yeah! - Catch me now, I'm falling Falling in love [CROWD CHEERING.]
Ooh, catch me - [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY.]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- [CROWD GASPS.]
- [MAN 3.]
What? [MAN 4.]
The hell? Oh, shit.
- [GASPS.]
- [WOMAN 3.]
Ooh! - [MAN 5.]
What the ? - [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[MAN 6.]
What the ? [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- Yes! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
[WOMEN.]
Whoo! Well, it's pretty clear who the real winner is.
But it's a dude! Yeah, but he's got the best rack of the night.
Yes! Those are great! Catch me, I'm falling [ANNOUNCER.]
Congratulations, miss or mister.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Bye.
- Ooh, I got us some mennie, henny.
- [MAN.]
Whoo! - Hey! - I thought you were gonna get killed when they figured out that you were a dude.
And then you'd be hanging on the wall like one of those dead animals all over the place.
Well, like I said before, people can be more complex than you expect.
You can be a hunter from Ohio and still enjoy a fabulous drag queen.
Nobody's just one thing, AJ.
Take your mother, she's more than just one thing.
She's more than, uh uh, someone with a drug problem.
Yeah, right.
People can be two things, AJ.
I mean, it's like my current situation.
Just because Damien robbed me, - maybe there's another part of him that - [SIGHS.]
loved me.
Here's your change, handsome.
Five, ten, 15, 20 25.
[LAUGHS.]
You're amazing, you know that? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, I know.
You some big agent or something else big? I'm a business consultant for start-ups.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Oh, I see.
And you think your $60 is gon' start something up with my business? [CHUCKLES.]
I don't think so.
Wait, wait, wait.
It's not like that.
Oh, it always is.
Let me give you the T.
I work for myself.
I don't need some Wall Street pimp in a tight-fittin' Prada suit, no matter how fine you are.
First this is Gucci.
And the most attractive thing about me is my brain.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
Hi.
[SIGHS.]
AJ? AJ? Oh, my God! [SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Is it fabulous? - Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Where'd you get the bathing cap? Stole it.
You jealous? Honestly? [LAUGHS.]
A little.
I don't know why you were afraid I'd drown.
Look at me floating.
I could float all day.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [AJ.]
Turns out, it's easy to float.
You just have to have big boobs.
Let me just go real quick and run this estimate by Bob.
Then we can take that hard-earned prize money off your hands.
You were damn good last night.
Oh, you are too kind.
Accurate, but too kind.
[CHUCKLES.]
Kind of makes me miss the old days.
I think we should give her your boobs.
That is incredibly thoughtful of you, AJ, but women have complicated feelings about their breasts.
Maybe she feels just as strong and beautiful without 'em.
- We can't just assume.
- Okay, this is everything.
Remanufactured transmission, new Dayco fuel line, new light.
Parts and labor comes to $2,000.
These are for you.
- AJ! - She said she missed the old days.
[CHUCKLES.]
You are sweet.
And I appreciate the thought sweetheart, but, uh I said I missed the old days, not the old boobs.
Best part about no big boobs? No back pain.
And I don't have to wear a bra.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
The only one who misses my boobs around here is my husband, Bob.
Okay.
[TAPS ON BREASTPLATE.]
Let's get you to Columbus.
["OHIO" PLAYING.]
Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh Why did I ever leave Ohio? Why did I wander To find what lies yonder When life was so cozy at home? [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
Okay, you people are being way too nice.
That queen didn't even know her lip sync.
- [WOMAN 1.]
Oh! - [WOMAN 2.]
Ooh! Okay, girl, maybe next time, don't take the Lunesta - before your number.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm not being bitchy.
I'm being helpful.
- How do I look? - Like you need to eat something.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
I could learn to love you.
- [AJ.]
I have to pee.
- [RUBY.]
Here.
Wash your hands.
[ANNOUNCER.]
Okay, so I'm not being bitchy, I'm being helpful.
Okay.
And what is it with some of these queens' names? - Uh, Polly Cystic Ovaries.
- [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS.]
That's just gross.
I'm not being bitchy.
I'm being helpful.
It's not a nice thing like, oh, I don't know, maybe "Quesadilla"? [LINE RINGING.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Stupid! Your name sucks.
It's stupid.
Don't be crazy.
Oh, my God.
Okay, this one queen came up to me and said [MOTHER ON VOICEMAIL.]
Leave a message.
Thanks.
- [LINE BEEPS.]
- Hey.
It's me.
Someone told me that there's two of you, so the good one calls me back within an hour, I'll forgive her.
[SIGHS.]
It's 10:30.
Okay.
Bye.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES, CRUNCHES.]
[SCREEN SHATTERS.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Okay, now help me welcome to the stage, - all the way from New York City, - [MAN 1.]
Whoo! where I went for two years and failed miserably.
- [AUDIENCE.]
Aw! - It's not about me.
Welcome to the stage, Miss Ruby Red! - [AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
- ["RUBY IS RED HOT" PLAYING.]
Down and out and lost and found Had to pick myself up off the ground Saw the light, got turned around Ain't ever gonna be, no more No more, no Long nights, winter blues Already paid the dues I've changed my point of view Baby, got a new attitude - Ruby is red hot - [GRUNTS.]
[AUDIENCE GASPS.]
Hot fire, nonstop - [RUBY.]
AJ, he's here! - Who? The Devil! How did he find us? We took the Hershey highway.
I'm a star.
Everyone knows where I am.
Get your stuff.
Come on.
- Come on, let's go, go, go, go! - Wait! Who's on the stage? Nobody! Hey, that kid took my spare boobs! Nobody, baby got a new attitude Oh! - Ruby is red hot - [BOTH GRUNT.]
Hot [AJ.]
First time in my life an accident ever paid off.
What the hell was [GROANS.]
Stupid.
What are you doing back here? You almost broke my Choo.
Cut the music.
Cut the music.
- The heifer left.
- [AUDIENCE JEERS.]
Now, that was me being bitchy.
Hey! - Hey! - [ANNOUNCER.]
You believe these queens? They come from New York City, thinking they're all that, and then they just leave.
- Always beg for us here in Columbus.
- [SPITS.]
["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
That bitch is getting away.
Just walk it off [AJ.]
And we didn't even get paid.
[RUBY.]
Oh, yes, we did.
First rule of drag, get the money up front.
["RUBY IS RED HOT" PLAYING.]
Set my sights, no time for fools Put on my crowning jewels Stop the press and alert the news Never gonna be no more, no more, no Long nights, winter blues Already paid the dues I've changed my point of view Baby, got a new attitude Ruby is red hot Hot fire nonstop Who got what I got? - Got what she got? - Nobody, nobody - Ruby is red hot - Hot - Hot fire nonstop - Nonstop Who got what I got? Got what she got? Nobody, nobody Nobody Nobody [TWINKLING CHIMES.]
[AJ.]
I once heard this asshole say that, in life there's no such thing as accidents.
[CRASH ECHOES.]
[AJ.]
My entire life has been an accident.
I'm not complainin'.
That's not my thing.
But, come on, shit happens.
[HORN BLARES.]
Oh, my God! I had no idea I was that athletic.
Are you okay? Are you hurt? Can you feel your legs? Calm down, dude.
It's a fender bender.
- Are you all right? - [YELPS.]
I can't feel my legs! I feel terrible.
This is totally my fault.
Yeah, we were just talking about that.
I was texting a Grumpy Cat meme to my pet psychic.
I am so sorry about this.
Apology accepted.
We gotta run.
Bye! Don't you want to get out and see the damage? No.
I'm too damaged to see more damage.
Bye! Look, give us 500 bucks, we'll call it a day.
Maybe that should be enough to get me walking again.
- All I have on me is $200.
- Take it.
Any gift cards in there? Starbucks? Target? AJ, AJ, we have got to go before he comes out and sees his tires.
I think I saw a bag of pot in her purse that we could always sell.
Oh, great.
Now you want to introduce illegal drugs into the mix? [CRYING.]
You know, this is my fifth accident.
My dad always says, "Diane, I am shocked you haven't killed someone.
" Diane, you have to stop talking! [PANTING.]
Stop.
- I know.
I see it.
- [GIRL ON PHONE.]
Who are you with? - [GASPS.]
- It's him.
I thought she was in Pittsburgh.
["RUBY IS RED HOT" PLAYING.]
Who got what I got? - Got what she got? - Nobody, nobody [CROWD CHEERING.]
Can I get 40 back? - [SONG FADES.]
- [TRUCK HORN BLARES.]
He saw me, kiddo.
Gotta go.
Forget the gift cards.
Just give me the weed.
Get off your phone.
Let's go! - Uh, just walk it off - [LADDER CLANGS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
These heels were not made to run in.
- What? - What do you mean, "What?" Look at my damn tire! - Wow, that is totally flat.
- [DAMIEN.]
And so is the other one.
That bitch! - [DAMIEN.]
Damn it! - [GIRL.]
Uh-oh! Nana said a bad word.
Oh [CHUCKLES.]
I know, baby.
I'm doing grown-up business, okay? - Bye-bye.
A million kisses.
- [GIRL.]
Bye.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh, that bitch.
[DAMIEN.]
Yeah, you already called him that.
No, my daughter.
She cut bangs on my grandbaby.
She knows I hate bangs on kids.
Stop freaking out.
I stabbed those tires real good.
I just don't understand why he's following me.
- Maybe it's because he's in love with you.
- That's what I thought.
But I didn't want to say it out loud.
- [SIGHS.]
- I was kidding.
So was I.
It just doesn't make sense.
He's already stole all my money.
Except for $500 I have in a college fund account my aunt Charmaine set up for me.
You could probably cash that out now.
Well, actually, it's only $300.
I dipped into it a while back for some custom tucking panties.
I cannot believe that he had the balls to do his.
I don't know why you're so surprised.
You've seen 'em.
- [DAMIEN.]
Seen what? - Her balls.
[LADY DANGER SIGHS.]
Let's get something straight.
I never did anything to him.
He did stuff to me.
Repeat that.
Why? For clarity.
I never did anything to him.
He did stuff to me.
Repeat that.
Fine.
All right.
He only did stuff to you.
Whatever.
I don't care what people do.
Half my girlfriends have penises.
[DAMIEN.]
I only have one tire? So by the time the AAA gets here, they'll be long gone.
Relax, I got this.
[HOSTESS ON PA.]
Cook, party of four.
Cook, party of four.
- Who needs AAA when you got this? - [DAMIEN.]
Hey! And now you have two.
We're in a parking lot.
So? It's an open-carry state, right? [POLICE SIREN WAILING.]
[AJ.]
Punch it! I can't punch it.
It's a cop.
[AJ.]
Lightweight.
Don't say anything.
I'll handle this.
[INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
Hello, Officer.
You know why I pulled you over today, sir? 'Cause he's black.
The reason I pulled you over is your left tail light's completely smashed.
Officer, a woman with a very ugly driving record was texting someone a Grumpy Cat meme and backed right into it.
This literally just happened, and we haven't been able to fix it, but we will.
How is that you two know each other? - Well, Officer, long story - He's my dad.
- He's your dad, huh? - [AJ.]
Yep.
My really gay, black dad.
Let me ask you again.
Why is this child riding in your vehicle? Like she said I'm her dad.
And she's white because my husband Dylan is white.
Which no big surprise there.
I mean, with a name like Dylan.
[CHUCKLES.]
Am I right? Anyway, Dylan and I decided to spin our sperm.
And his won.
Which he never lets me hear the end of [CHUCKLES.]
I'll tell you.
License, please.
Yes.
[WALLET UNZIPS.]
Do you ever watch CHiPs? Never saw it.
That Erik Estrada was just terrific.
[WALLET ZIPS.]
I'll take your word for it.
[AJ.]
Dude! Spin sperm? Okay, so how else was I gonna explain the very obvious lie that I have a little white daughter? This is Pennsylvania.
I was desperate.
Is anything bad from your past gonna come up? I guess what I'm asking is should I get out and run? No.
I'm a model citizen.
Okay, if I did some questionable things in the '80s as a go-go boy will that show up? What's a go-go boy? A boy who goes and goes.
Okay, here he comes.
Don't say another thing.
I mean it, AJ.
Not one thing.
No citation.
But you get that fixed today.
'Cause every cop that sees that is gonna pull you over.
Everything okay over there, little one? You know, 'cause if something was wrong, y you could tell me.
I'm right here.
Everything okay? He's speaking to you, AJ.
Answer him.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
You told me not to say anything to the cop.
I did, Officer.
I did.
Because she shows no respect for authority.
She got that from Dylan's sperm.
All right.
Enough of that.
Here you go.
Drive safely, huh? [TAPS ON DOOR.]
[AJ LAUGHS.]
- Oh, you find that funny? - [CONTINUES LAUGHING.]
Almost seeing me in handcuffs.
Did you enjoy that? I did.
I really did.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[DAMIEN.]
Two donuts on a $40,000 ride.
And I just bought those rims.
They're custom.
What's that? A cop? Can I catch a break today, man? Keep going.
I have 53 unpaid parking tickets.
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna pull up around the corner and I'm gonna wait for him.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
I thought you said you stabbed those tires good.
Hey, I can only do so much here.
Look, I know you're upset about your car and her balls and everything but this shit's done.
I gotta go back to New York.
I have a business to run.
No.
You had a business to run.
The cops are all over your game now.
What? You don't think that all those queens you pumped talk? No one's gonna risk coming to you anymore.
Come on, think about it.
Half your girls aren't even legal.
[SCOFFS.]
Wow.
I never thought about it like that before.
Bitch screwed up my game too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ROBERT.]
Okay, we have to find another way to Columbus.
They're probably hiding up ahead, just waiting for us Open the glove compartment.
Give me the maps.
I'll just GPS it on my phone.
No, we need to take some crazy little side roads where no one can find us.
We need a map.
Come on.
You're surprised to see a satin glove in a drag queen's glove box? [SIGHS.]
Maps.
Okay, here we go.
[AJ.]
Wow.
It keeps getting bigger.
Didn't know they still made these.
They're for people who still want to use their brains to get somewhere.
And also, so hipsters can have wall art.
Okay, we're here.
And we want to get to Columbus.
Okay, change of plans.
We'll go through Hershey.
Girl, we gonna take the Hershey highway.
- If you were older, you'd love that.
- Hershey! Like the candy? Yeah, that's where it's made.
Can we stop and get some? I'll tell you what.
I'll stop and get candy for you, and you can do something for me.
Call your mother.
Let her know where you are.
I can live without candy.
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[OFFICER.]
Well, look who it is.
They tell me you put up quite a fight.
- It was an accident.
- Which? The oral sex in the car for money the drugs in the pocket, or attacking the arresting officer? I didn't attack him.
It was my purse.
My purse hit him 'cause he swang me around so hard when he grabbed me.
Look.
Look.
Still have his fingerprints on my arm.
- See? - They're not prints.
They're marks.
They're finger marks.
Fingerprints are the kind with ink.
And it's "swung me around," not "swang.
" Were you a teacher or something? [CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
So you're gonna be a wiseass - on top of resisting arrest? - [MOTHER.]
No.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Officer, I really wasn't resisting.
I was just trying to run back to grab my phone.
It fell out of my hand when he grabbed me.
Look, please it is the only way I can get in touch with my daughter.
Please.
If I don't call her, she won't know where I am.
I think she'll figure it out.
It's not like you got a big life.
You're either in here or in someone's car.
I'm entitled to one phone call.
Knock yourself out.
["OHIO" PLAYING.]
Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh - Why did I ever leave Ohio? - [TIRES SCREECH.]
Why did I wander To find what lies yonder When life was so cozy at home? [AJ.]
We rolled into Ohio after a bullshit stop at the Hershey factory.
They wanted to charge us $10.
95 each for something called "The Chocolate Tasting Experience.
" Yeah, right.
The bag that I stole in the gift shop was free.
Well, it's never good getting it from the rear.
Your tail light's all busted, and this ladder broke clean off.
Can you fix her, Bob? I love this ol' RV.
She ain't that pretty, but she's aging naturally, unlike a lot of today's screen stars.
[LAUGHS.]
I can fix anything.
Clearly, you didn't Yelp me.
Three years in a row voted "Best Garage in Zanesville.
" Well, I'm glad we came-sville.
You just make that up? Um, yeah, I did.
I may have to use that.
Cost you 100 bucks.
Uh, just pretend she's not talking.
It's a skill I've yet to master.
You better let me take a look at it.
Feel free to wait in the office.
There's fresh coffee there.
Best coffee in Zanesville.
That's according to me, not Yelp.
Last Hershey's Kiss.
You sure you don't want it? You were eyeing these the whole way.
Thanks, but no thanks.
My last kiss cost me $100,000.
It's hot.
- Hey, maybe take off this knit cap.
- Hey! - Here, let me just fix one thing.
- No.
Here, what Hold on.
- Let me just fix one thing.
- [AJ.]
Stop it.
[LAPTOP CHIMES.]
[SOUND EFFECT PLAYS.]
Do you have any idea how much longer? No, I do not.
I do the books.
Husband Bob does the bodywork.
Oh, Bob's your husband.
So we got us a real, authentic mom-and-pop shop.
[AJ.]
Bob was right.
- This is some good-ass coffee.
- You swear too much, AJ.
You swear all the time.
"Bitch, you fine as hell.
Oh, no way, bitch.
" Well, I think I've earned a few curse words.
My childhood was very rough.
In fact, you know, I I basically had to do everything on my own.
Got by with no help from anyone.
Sweetheart [SIGHS.]
I don't need to know your life story.
Want a sip? Well, if it's as good as he said.
Oh, my God.
How much sugar did you put up in here? You just drank the last kiss, lady.
- [ROBERT.]
Are you gonna call your mother? - No.
Because I was just thinking this might be a good time to call her.
Won't have to call.
She left a message.
Oh, is she okay? She's never okay.
Well, maybe you should give her a call back.
Why do I have to call back and take care of her? She should be taking care of me.
I'm the kid! [WHINING.]
[LOUD, HIGH-PITCHED HOWLING.]
Sir? - The noise? - [HOWLING STOPS.]
Hey, lady, can I use your bathroom? Sure.
It's over there in the corner.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [SIGHS.]
She's a bit of a handful.
Completely unpredictable.
Case in point, her hair.
That hair was gorgeous yesterday.
Like Angelina Jolie gorgeous.
Well, Angelina Jolie in Mr.
And Mrs.
Smith, not Girl, Interrupted, or as I like to call it, Girrrl, Interrupted.
- And then - [GAME SOUND EFFECTS PLAYING.]
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Twenty-one.
Blackjack.
[SIGHS.]
[MOTHER.]
Baby? Hi, it's me.
Um [CRYING.]
look, I know I promised I wasn't gonna get into any more trouble.
I'm really sorry.
- But I promise - [PHONE BEEPS.]
[SWALLOWS.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[AJ.]
Someone's in here.
[ROBERT.]
Just checking.
You all right? No.
I fell in.
What is all this? [ROBERT.]
Those are calendars.
They're a cousin to the map.
[AJ.]
Look.
It's the same lady in all of them.
Same lady, same lady, same lady, same lady, same lady.
I think that's the woman out there, - just way younger and a lot more boobier.
- [ROBERT.]
Hmm.
That is her.
She was gorgeous back in the day.
And I didn't notice she had such large breasts.
Let's not ask her about this.
I get the sense she's not a sharer.
[AJ.]
Okay, but [SIGHS.]
you're the talker.
Hm.
Wash your hands? No.
I never do.
It's a racket.
Here.
I am always within two feet of a Clorox wipe.
Hands.
What is wrong with you? Are you the booby lady on the calendars? AJ! I'm sorry.
[CHUCKLING.]
It's okay.
Yeah, that's me.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
I just need you to initial there, there, and there.
So, where did they go? A again, so sorry.
Feel free to go back to your paperwork.
I know you're not much of a talker.
I had breast cancer about five years ago.
Found a lump, went in they told me I had Stage 3 breast cancer and chances are it'd probably spread to the other one, so I decided to rip 'em both off.
Double mastectomy.
Did some chemo.
[SIGHS.]
Threw up a lot.
Lost my hair.
It was hell.
But here I am.
[BOB.]
And, boy, did my wife have the most beautiful breasts.
Back in the day, Helen won every wet T-shirt contest in the tristate area.
That's how we paid the down payment on our first house.
Just beautiful.
Well, now they're gone.
[AJ.]
Except for in the bathroom.
- Your boobs are all over that place.
- Oh, my Lord & Taylor.
She's always after me to take 'em down, but I keep telling her, - those calendars are my - Sweetheart.
Nobody needs to know your life story.
Well, I got the good news, bad news.
I have the parts to fix your rear light and a ladder that could work.
But your transmission's leaking.
I spotted a leak, so I threw the RV up on the lift and took a look.
You've got a fractured fuel line.
It's too dangerous to drive.
I need to keep it overnight.
Wait, overnight? And we can't sleep in the RV because it's on the lift thing, right? There's a reasonable motel right down the street.
Gotta warn you, don't get chatty with Dede in the coffee shop.
I don't need to know her life story? No one does.
Damn.
I I I brought her in for a broken tail light, and now you're telling me you found all these other things wrong with her.
Why is this happening? I don't understand.
The RV has cancer.
[CHORTLES.]
[AJ.]
They have a pool.
I want to go swimming.
Did your mother teach you how to swim? Oh, yeah.
She used to take me to a spa outside the city.
It had an Olympic-size swimming pool.
And she got me a coach who gave me private swimming lessons every day.
- That's what you wanted to hear? - [CHUCKLING.]
It is.
It so is.
[AJ.]
Nah.
A bunch of us were taken to the lake by some do-gooders with dreads.
[SIGHS.]
But I wouldn't go in the water.
Didn't trust the whole situation.
Okay, well, stay away from the pool.
You can't swim, and we don't have any floaties.
What are those? Things you put on your arms to help you float on the water.
Floaties.
Come on, man.
How hard can it be? On YouTube, they throw babies in at six months.
Yeah, and they sink.
They just don't show you that part.
No floaties, no swimming.
Well, you get what you pay for.
Whoo! Two beds! I love it! [AJ.]
And right next to the pool? Ah, this is the living.
That's enough jumping.
Come off the bed till I can Clorox wipe it.
Ugh, I knew I should have brought sheets.
Can't jump, can't swim.
Can I at least get something to eat? Yes.
Take your little Instagram dog friend and go to the motel coffee shop.
I'll meet you in a minute.
And don't talk to strangers.
[AJ.]
Okay, but who's stranger than you? ["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
Girl Just walk it off Well I'm in Ohio.
Well, I'm in the hallway with a locksmith who I think charges by the hour.
So hold that thought.
Uh, not by hour.
By trip.
[LOUIS.]
Oh, you are too kind.
Um, do you want a Diet Coke? Uh, no, thank you.
I'm a Pepsi guy.
Oh, to each his own.
Excuse me.
Okay, back to you, bitch.
I tried to call you three times today to tell you I left two messages with Officer Patrick at the station.
I'm afraid Damien and Danger are gonna come back and get me.
They already tried to kill me once.
Louis - you were not almost killed.
- [LOUIS.]
Says you.
I hid my suitcase in case they were thinking of stuffing me in it.
You don't have to worry about them, 'cause now they're following me.
Oh, thank God.
I mean oh, no.
AJ slashed their tires, and now I'm in a motel.
And there's a weird stain next to my bed.
That little kid slashed their tires? Careful, girl.
Next thing, she gonna slash your damn throat.
- When you gonna get rid of her? - [ROBERT.]
Louis, I cannot just get rid of her.
She's a child.
I need to find out who and where her mother is.
On second thought get me Diet Coke.
Oh, now I'm the help? [SCOFFS.]
No good deed.
I cannot sleep with this stain looking at me all night.
I'll just [SIGHS.]
Unbelievable.
Where's the damn Bible? Yes.
Thank you, Jesus.
Seriously, Louis, why are they still following me? I mean, he's taken everything from me.
What more does he want? - Girl.
- Yeah? You sound really scared.
Okay, that's what a concerned friend sounds like, in case you didn't recognize it.
I didn't.
[LOUIS.]
Well I'm gonna give the police another call because I love you and because I think I just poured Diet Coke in your jewelry box.
Girl, you'd better be joking about that jewelry box.
Well Hello? Oh, she did not just hang up on me.
Louis? It's Officer Patrick.
The desk sergeant gave me your messages.
[GRUNTS.]
Well first of all - hello [CHUCKLES.]
- Hi.
If I had known you were coming, I'd have thrown on something more fitted.
You you look great.
Mm-hmm.
[LOUIS CHUCKLES.]
Is everything okay? Oh, it is now that New York's finest is here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, sir, sir, uh You can't waste police time by leaving inflammatory messages.
Oh, they weren't inflammatory.
Uh, "Help, help, they're coming to get me.
I'm not safe.
" "Help, I'm still not safe.
I think they're on the stairs now.
Help.
" Uh, what I said was, "Have Officer Patrick call me.
" I had a feeling that desk sergeant was a bit of a drama queen.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- He is kind of a drama queen.
Right? - [LOUIS.]
Who you talking to? - Sorry.
Uh, that's Officer Jones.
Oh.
And my second husband has his third and fourth vertebrae out and will not get off the couch.
I said to him, "Dan, I love ya, but I cannot sit in this house one more night and hear you talk about your spine.
" Can I ask you a question, Dede? Yes, darlin'.
Can you grab my Thousand Island dressing? - Never got it.
- Oh, dear Lord, I am so forgetful.
I had a subdural hematoma on my brain removed last year after I took a fall line dancing.
Hit my temple on the leg of a bar stool, - and now I can't remember crap.
- [ROBERT.]
Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- No Boobs was right.
- [ROBERT.]
Mm.
She is a talker.
"Sweetheart, we don't need to know her life story.
" [LAUGHS.]
Hey, speaking of life stories, what'd you say your mother's name was again? Diane something? Hm.
Good one.
Sneaky.
If I tell you, you won't take me to see my pop-pop in Texas.
But nice try.
Listen.
I'm being chased.
This is dangerous now, and I don't want to be responsible if something bad happens.
That's cool.
Don't worry.
If anything bad happens to me nobody will care.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
AJ people with addiction have a hard time.
And, you know, just because someone's a drug addict doesn't mean they don't love you.
They just love drugs more.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Oh, there you are.
I was hopin' to find you here.
I got the estimate for the repairs.
Wait, y-you came all the way over here just to tell me that? That's so Ohio.
[LAUGHS.]
No, I also came to pick up John, the cook over there.
We're driving to the wet together.
He's my designated driver.
John's been clean and sober for five months, since his wife kicked him out and told him he couldn't see the grandkids - till he cleaned up his act.
- Never got my hot sauce.
I I'm sorry.
You still have a wet T-shirt contest? The Zanesville Roadhouse still honors the tradition.
In the '90s, the lesbians took over for a while, it's back to the straights now.
Just good fun.
Amazing.
I-I thought that went out with the side ponytail and leg warmers.
Two things I never thought I could do without, but turns out I could.
[BOB.]
And speaking of body parts, I got the damage.
Two thousand to fix everything.
What? Pittsburgh only paid $1,000.
I guess I'll have to somehow scrape together the other $1,000.
It's too bad you're not a hot-looking chick.
You could win that $1,000 tonight.
["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
There's a lot of plastic thingies in here.
[ROBERT.]
It says "breast plates" on the side.
It should be under the tub marked "gay pride extravaganza.
" Found them.
I don't usually wear a breastplate, because my drags is more illusion, but tonight, we're going for big boob realness.
Is it this rubbery thing? Yes.
And this rubbery thing is everything.
Come on, dude.
Seriously? You're going into a club wearing these? I'm not.
Ruby is, darling.
Closing up.
You two about done? Just getting some essentials.
I have no idea what's going on in here.
But, sweetheart this is one story I do need to know.
Just walk it off [RUSTLING.]
Whoever that is, you should know I have a gun.
[AJ.]
You should know, so do I.
Come out them bushes.
I told you to stay at the motel with the door locked.
I'm trying to protect you.
You think that I want to lay around and watch cable? - I'm trying to protect you.
- Protect me from what? The straights.
You heard Bob.
It's their club again.
- AJ, this isn't the Jets and the Sharks.
- What's that? It's from West Side Story.
[AJ.]
I don't know what that is [IMITATING HELEN.]
but, sweetheart, I don't need to know the west side's story.
[LAUGHS.]
It's a good thing you're funny.
We're pretty much there, so you might as well just come.
If anything bad happens, I've got your back.
Well, I appreciate that, but nothing bad is gonna happen to me.
[AJ.]
You're gay with fake boobs in Ohio.
You know, for someone so smart, you have a very limited view of the world.
You can't just divide everyone into categories.
People are more complex than that.
And besides, no one is gonna clock the fact that I'm not a real woman.
[AJ CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, right.
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- [RUBY.]
Watch this.
[IN HIGHER PITCH.]
Excuse me, handsome.
[GIGGLES.]
Is this where the wet T-shirt contest is? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Bye.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Speechless? Yes, child.
I'm a professional.
- [AJ.]
Your legs are too skinny.
- [RUBY.]
Thank you.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Whoo, Sharon! [LAUGHS.]
Now, that's a different Sharon than we're used to seeing at the DMV.
[CROWD CHEERS.]
Well done, Sharon.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! - [MAN 1.]
Yeah! - [ANNOUNCER.]
Look at Dave over here.
Dave, get your eyes back in your head.
[CROWD LAUGHS.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Here we go.
There you are, darling.
Stage is yours.
Do your thing.
- [WOMAN 1.]
Yeah! - [WOMAN 2.]
Whoo! [GASPING.]
You okay? - Whoo! Yeah! - [ALL CHEER.]
- [HELEN.]
It's crowded back there.
- [ANNOUNCER.]
The price of fame.
Want to come up here? Closer? There's no place to sit.
- There is now.
- [ANNOUNCER.]
There she goes.
So let's give a big round of applause to all our contestants tonight.
[SOFTLY.]
Hi.
Can you put this on for me? - Sure.
- My eyes are up here, sir.
- [RUBY.]
Higher.
- [ANNOUNCER.]
They're all beauties.
Let's see who's gonna win that $1,000.
Two, four, six, a lot of tits here tonight.
Ooh, I forgot.
Can I say that without offending any snowflakes here? - [CROWD LAUGHS.]
- Okay, time to vote.
[DJ.]
Whoa, hold up, Bob.
We got one more.
["CATCH ME I'M FALLING" PLAYING.]
- I am descending - [CROWD CHEERS.]
From heaven above So catch me, I'm falling Hold on to my love [CROWD CHEERS.]
Are you ready, boy? Here I come, catch me, I'm falling - You - You, you, you Came into my life The look in your eyes Took me by surprise It's you and nobody else Your love has made me so blind I can't see I am descending From heaven above So catch me, I'm falling Baby, just hold on to my love Catch me, I'm falling Catch me now, I'm falling - Catch me, I'm falling - [CROWD CLAPPING TO BEAT.]
Catch me now, I'm falling Falling in love - Falling in motion - [MAN 2.]
Yeah! As though I had wings Your sweet love and devotion Baby, it's magic A magical thing Catch me, I'm falling - Catch me now, I'm falling - Oh, oh, oh, oh Catch me, I'm falling - Whoa! Yeah! - Catch me now, I'm falling Falling in love [CROWD CHEERING.]
Ooh, catch me - [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY.]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- [CROWD GASPS.]
- [MAN 3.]
What? [MAN 4.]
The hell? Oh, shit.
- [GASPS.]
- [WOMAN 3.]
Ooh! - [MAN 5.]
What the ? - [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[MAN 6.]
What the ? [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- Yes! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
[WOMEN.]
Whoo! Well, it's pretty clear who the real winner is.
But it's a dude! Yeah, but he's got the best rack of the night.
Yes! Those are great! Catch me, I'm falling [ANNOUNCER.]
Congratulations, miss or mister.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Bye.
- Ooh, I got us some mennie, henny.
- [MAN.]
Whoo! - Hey! - I thought you were gonna get killed when they figured out that you were a dude.
And then you'd be hanging on the wall like one of those dead animals all over the place.
Well, like I said before, people can be more complex than you expect.
You can be a hunter from Ohio and still enjoy a fabulous drag queen.
Nobody's just one thing, AJ.
Take your mother, she's more than just one thing.
She's more than, uh uh, someone with a drug problem.
Yeah, right.
People can be two things, AJ.
I mean, it's like my current situation.
Just because Damien robbed me, - maybe there's another part of him that - [SIGHS.]
loved me.
Here's your change, handsome.
Five, ten, 15, 20 25.
[LAUGHS.]
You're amazing, you know that? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, I know.
You some big agent or something else big? I'm a business consultant for start-ups.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Oh, I see.
And you think your $60 is gon' start something up with my business? [CHUCKLES.]
I don't think so.
Wait, wait, wait.
It's not like that.
Oh, it always is.
Let me give you the T.
I work for myself.
I don't need some Wall Street pimp in a tight-fittin' Prada suit, no matter how fine you are.
First this is Gucci.
And the most attractive thing about me is my brain.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
Hi.
[SIGHS.]
AJ? AJ? Oh, my God! [SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Is it fabulous? - Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Where'd you get the bathing cap? Stole it.
You jealous? Honestly? [LAUGHS.]
A little.
I don't know why you were afraid I'd drown.
Look at me floating.
I could float all day.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [AJ.]
Turns out, it's easy to float.
You just have to have big boobs.
Let me just go real quick and run this estimate by Bob.
Then we can take that hard-earned prize money off your hands.
You were damn good last night.
Oh, you are too kind.
Accurate, but too kind.
[CHUCKLES.]
Kind of makes me miss the old days.
I think we should give her your boobs.
That is incredibly thoughtful of you, AJ, but women have complicated feelings about their breasts.
Maybe she feels just as strong and beautiful without 'em.
- We can't just assume.
- Okay, this is everything.
Remanufactured transmission, new Dayco fuel line, new light.
Parts and labor comes to $2,000.
These are for you.
- AJ! - She said she missed the old days.
[CHUCKLES.]
You are sweet.
And I appreciate the thought sweetheart, but, uh I said I missed the old days, not the old boobs.
Best part about no big boobs? No back pain.
And I don't have to wear a bra.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
The only one who misses my boobs around here is my husband, Bob.
Okay.
[TAPS ON BREASTPLATE.]
Let's get you to Columbus.
["OHIO" PLAYING.]
Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh Why did I ever leave Ohio? Why did I wander To find what lies yonder When life was so cozy at home? [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
Okay, you people are being way too nice.
That queen didn't even know her lip sync.
- [WOMAN 1.]
Oh! - [WOMAN 2.]
Ooh! Okay, girl, maybe next time, don't take the Lunesta - before your number.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm not being bitchy.
I'm being helpful.
- How do I look? - Like you need to eat something.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
I could learn to love you.
- [AJ.]
I have to pee.
- [RUBY.]
Here.
Wash your hands.
[ANNOUNCER.]
Okay, so I'm not being bitchy, I'm being helpful.
Okay.
And what is it with some of these queens' names? - Uh, Polly Cystic Ovaries.
- [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS.]
That's just gross.
I'm not being bitchy.
I'm being helpful.
It's not a nice thing like, oh, I don't know, maybe "Quesadilla"? [LINE RINGING.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Stupid! Your name sucks.
It's stupid.
Don't be crazy.
Oh, my God.
Okay, this one queen came up to me and said [MOTHER ON VOICEMAIL.]
Leave a message.
Thanks.
- [LINE BEEPS.]
- Hey.
It's me.
Someone told me that there's two of you, so the good one calls me back within an hour, I'll forgive her.
[SIGHS.]
It's 10:30.
Okay.
Bye.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES, CRUNCHES.]
[SCREEN SHATTERS.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Okay, now help me welcome to the stage, - all the way from New York City, - [MAN 1.]
Whoo! where I went for two years and failed miserably.
- [AUDIENCE.]
Aw! - It's not about me.
Welcome to the stage, Miss Ruby Red! - [AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
- ["RUBY IS RED HOT" PLAYING.]
Down and out and lost and found Had to pick myself up off the ground Saw the light, got turned around Ain't ever gonna be, no more No more, no Long nights, winter blues Already paid the dues I've changed my point of view Baby, got a new attitude - Ruby is red hot - [GRUNTS.]
[AUDIENCE GASPS.]
Hot fire, nonstop - [RUBY.]
AJ, he's here! - Who? The Devil! How did he find us? We took the Hershey highway.
I'm a star.
Everyone knows where I am.
Get your stuff.
Come on.
- Come on, let's go, go, go, go! - Wait! Who's on the stage? Nobody! Hey, that kid took my spare boobs! Nobody, baby got a new attitude Oh! - Ruby is red hot - [BOTH GRUNT.]
Hot [AJ.]
First time in my life an accident ever paid off.
What the hell was [GROANS.]
Stupid.
What are you doing back here? You almost broke my Choo.
Cut the music.
Cut the music.
- The heifer left.
- [AUDIENCE JEERS.]
Now, that was me being bitchy.
Hey! - Hey! - [ANNOUNCER.]
You believe these queens? They come from New York City, thinking they're all that, and then they just leave.
- Always beg for us here in Columbus.
- [SPITS.]
["WALK IT OFF" PLAYING.]
That bitch is getting away.
Just walk it off [AJ.]
And we didn't even get paid.
[RUBY.]
Oh, yes, we did.
First rule of drag, get the money up front.
["RUBY IS RED HOT" PLAYING.]
Set my sights, no time for fools Put on my crowning jewels Stop the press and alert the news Never gonna be no more, no more, no Long nights, winter blues Already paid the dues I've changed my point of view Baby, got a new attitude Ruby is red hot Hot fire nonstop Who got what I got? - Got what she got? - Nobody, nobody - Ruby is red hot - Hot - Hot fire nonstop - Nonstop Who got what I got? Got what she got? Nobody, nobody Nobody Nobody [TWINKLING CHIMES.]