Alex, Inc. (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
The Unfair Advantage
1 Look, I've invested in Twitter, Uber, Instagram.
Why should I invest in your podcast company? Well, first of all, it's not just any podcast company.
It's the Cadillac of podcast companies.
Do people still use "Cadillac" as a reference? - Mnh-mnh.
- Sorry.
It's, uh the Maybach, uh the Khaleesi, t-the Leonardo DiCaprio.
Wow.
Is your dad always this nervous? - It's 'cause you're rich.
- Soraya! I'm sorry, again, about her.
We had a little childcare dilemma.
You know, I think I could explain the money part better if I fire up the old pitch deck.
Um, now, uh - I have a graph here.
- [PROJECTOR BEEPS.]
- Ow! - Oh, sorry! I'm just so sorry.
I just never really fully got a chance to to set all this up.
Uh, so many wires.
This guy.
Who's this guy? Look, Alex, listen, if I were calling an Uber and it said it was gonna be here in two minutes and that's all the time you had who are you and what are you doing? Go.
ALEX: One month ago, I decided, at 37, with a wife and two kids, now would be a good time to quit my job and start my own business.
Who am I and what am I doing? My name's Alex Schuman, and I'm ruining my life.
- Now, who said that? - Dad.
- And what did he say? - Dad! He said what? I'm not I didn't hear you.
- Dad! - Ben.
Let Daddy finish his super-important work call.
I just thought he'd be interested to know that I met this girl on the Internet.
At least, I think she's a girl.
Her name's Steven, and she wants to meet in a van in the woods.
Ha ha.
I can hear you.
Look, I got to go.
They want me off the phone.
All right.
I'll see you in a bit.
Sorry.
I'm just, uh, working on this story about this alleged murderer, Wesley Harman.
But Mommy's right no more work talk.
This is morning family time.
I'm gonna puke up my breakfast.
All right, what's up? I'm sorry.
You have all my attention.
Go.
Do you want to see a new illusion I've been working on? Sure.
Awesome.
Let me get my hamster.
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
Our hamster! How do we feel about this whole magic thing? Middle-school kids can be so mean.
All I know is, David Blaine is pretty hot.
Yeah, but for every David Blaine, there's a Carrot Top.
- I hate carrots.
- Me too.
All right.
[GRUNTS.]
Now pay very careful attention.
As you can see, Todd is in the box.
Oh.
Morning, Todd.
By the way, I'm doing a much more elaborate version of this for the school talent show.
In front of the whole school? Whoa, whoa! What is that hand gesture? Look in the box.
I think you'll find that Todd's gone.
- No.
- No, sweetie.
- He's still there.
- Todd's right there, man.
- Fail.
- Really? Yeah.
- What the heck, Todd? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
- We talked about this.
- I have to get this.
Don't be mad at me.
He's arguing with Todd.
I promise, it'll be quick.
- What do you mean, you don't like the trick? - Hello? - It's a classic! - He's in?! [LAUGHING.]
Yes! Harman's in! - The murderer? - Alleged.
I got to go.
Love you all! Love you.
Good luck! For the past 16 years, I've worked at a radio show called "Cheer Up!" It was like NPR on Prozac.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
I got the Harman story! We'd been doing the same feel-good stories my whole career, and lately, I'd been yearning to do something different something that mattered.
And so I walked into that pitch meeting with what I knew would be a game-changing story.
And it it it's a portrait and a reprimand, not just of the justice system but of society itself.
But except for my producer, Deirdre, nobody else liked it.
I appreciate your passion, Alex, but the show's called "Cheer Up!" not "I Wanna Hang Myself.
" [LAUGHTER.]
And I don't know why, but in that moment, something in me just snapped.
You know what, you know what I-I-I-I-I can't do this anymore, okay? I-I can't do one more feel-good piece about child-prodigy pianists or gorillas who know sign language.
How many gorillas know sign language at this point? It feels like all, frankly.
All gorillas! Sorry, Akira.
I-I don't want to cheer people up.
I want to engage their minds and open their eyes to what's happening in the world.
And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, okay? I'm gonna go somewhere where I can tell those stories.
Now, who's coming with me? - You quit your job?! - Yes.
But what if I and this is one of the reasons why I wanted to take you to dinner tonight start my own podcast company? [LAUGHING.]
Why are you laughing? Because you're kidding.
You're not kidding? Oh, God.
Rooni, I've worked my whole life for other people.
I want to do something I can be proud of.
I want something that's mine.
- Buy a boat.
- We can't afford a boat.
Buy a kayak.
I would love a kayak.
Alex, you're an amazing storyteller, but please don't take this the wrong way you're not good at anything else.
I know.
That's why I'm gonna ask Eddie to be my partner.
Second cousin Eddie? Does he even know what a podcast is? I'm not sure.
But Eddie can sell anything.
I really think we'd be a good yin/yang for each other.
He could yang me.
And sometimes, I need to be yanged.
You do like a good yanging.
But no, babe, you need someone who knows something about podcasting.
I know, which is why I'm also gonna ask [MUMBLES.]
I'm sorry.
I didn't catch that.
[WHISPERING.]
Deirdre.
Tell me you're not mumbling "Deirdre"! I've worked with like 50 producers.
She's the best by a mile.
Alex, she's in love with you! Oh, I don't know about that.
It's more of an unhealthy obsession.
I know what this is really about, and I want you to know, I am not gonna touch the 401(K).
It would never occur to me that you would even think about touching the 401(K).
Again, not going to.
Rooni, this is my moment.
This industry's about to explode, and if it does, it could change the whole world.
Let's be a part of that.
I want to change the world.
Don't you? [SIGHS.]
Damn it.
You know I'm a sucker for Change the World Alex.
I didn't want to play the change-the-world card, but you left me with no other option.
[GROANS.]
Fine! Go change the world! Love you.
So, like Jobs and Zuckerberg before me, I got my dream team together.
Uh, Deirdre, do you think maybe you could sit across from me? I'm so sorry I didn't realize we were physically - Yeah, well - next to each other.
- Aah! [CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Yeah, 'cause there's more room over here, actually, so that's good.
So, what, you hired a groupie? Stop it.
Let me make the formal introductions.
Deirdre Riordan, meet my cousin Eddie LaGuzza, the most in-demand salesman in town.
If he's so in-demand, why is he in a coffee shop at 3:00 on a Tuesday? Because I was just dying to spend 8 bucks on an espresso.
This friggin' place.
Who the hell is she? Uh, Ed, did you have a chance to come up with a business plan? Yes.
I ran some preliminary numbers, and the good news is, seems like all we really need is a solid mic and some chairs.
Now, I have some chairs.
I-I-I'm sorry.
It's clear that you have no idea what Alex does.
He makes highly produced, highly edited pieces.
They require equipment and staff and a travel budget and just a li'l bit of Alex's special sauce.
But you don't need to worry about that, 'cause it's my job to get that out of him.
You say filthy things without realizing it.
I like you.
ALEX: I think what Deirdre's trying to say, Eddie, is the type of shows I want to do cost a lot of money.
So, why don't we make a list of every rich person that we know? Eddie had nothing.
Deirdre had a particularly lovely picture of me.
I love the way she handled my nose.
And all I could think of was a billionaire I once interviewed.
But for our company to be taken seriously, we needed an office that wasn't a coffee shop.
When my co-founders and I finally found one that was cheap enough, I wanted Rooni to see it before we signed the lease.
Welcome to the nerd factory.
It's an incubator, babe.
Everyone here has ideas they're developing.
- ["ROCK-A-BYE BABY" PLAYS.]
- Those guys are designing a robot - that rocks a baby to sleep.
- Heads up! Coming along, fellas.
Those ladies made a jacket you put on cats to make them hypoallergenic.
These guys are trying to create a professional beer pong league.
[ALL GROAN.]
Hey, they're kind of cute, huh? Oh, I prefer my men more intellectual, with larger noses.
So? What do you think? I think it's amazing, babe.
I'm so proud of you.
Listen, I got to get to court.
- I'll see you tonight, okay? - I love you.
Al, we got a little problem.
Guy wants three months in advance.
I don't have $10,000 unless I dip into the 401(K), which I promised Rooni I wouldn't do.
Yeah, but what if there was a world where you didn't tell Rooni? - I tell Rooni everything.
- Yeah, in this world.
Let's go to that other world.
Look, I believe in this company.
That's why I'm putting everything I have into it.
- You don't have anything.
- Yeah, but it's all in there.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I need an answer, fellas.
I got Pilates at noon.
We're gonna be huge, Al.
I know this.
We're in.
A week had gone by, and I still hadn't told Rooni I'd dipped into our 401(K).
Fortunately, I was doing a decent job of hiding my guilt.
Oh.
Sorry, guys.
I'm just trying to make sure it's nice and lean.
Guys, Daddy's a little nervous because he's interviewing a murderer tomorrow for his big investor pitch.
"Alleged," and I am not that nervous.
Is it gonna be on the radio? TV's better.
I need pictures.
Ohh! My own daughter.
You don't need pictures.
Are you kidding me? Here.
I'll tell you what.
Close your eyes for a second.
Now imagine hearing a really creepy old guy's voice.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
"My name is Wesley Harman, and I didn't do it!" Didn't do what? Oh! See, Daddy's got you listening now.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Now we hear a woman's voice.
She says she's Harman's neighbor.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
"Something was always off with him.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"Always alone on his family's estate.
And when kids would come and take his apples, you know what he would do? He'd chase them off with a shotgun.
" Are you sure this story's appropriate for children? Okay, calm down, Grandma.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Then, we hear a policeman's voice on a CB radio.
[AMPLIFIED.]
"Uh, dispatch, we got two murdered kids on the Harman property.
" Yeah, actually, Al, where are you going with this? - I like it.
- Me too.
Then "We now go to Bob Jenkins, reporting live at the scene.
" "Uh, the children both had a rare poison in their stomachs and apples.
" - Hold that for a second.
- Ugh! So, Harman's arrested and let out on bail.
Now we're in a science lab [LAUGHTER.]
where a scientist tells us about this rare poison.
The one Harman put on the apples? The one someone put on the apples.
The scientist says [NASALLY.]
"It's very hard to make.
Uh, you need seeds from the Croatian Rhine Poppy virtually nonexistent in the U.
S.
" [NORMAL VOICE.]
Now we hear this.
Make this noise with me.
[IMITATES WIND BLOWING.]
[ALL IMITATE WIND BLOWING.]
The wind blowing through a field.
- A knock on a heavy door.
- [DOOR OPENS, CREAKS.]
And a voice we've heard before.
"Can I help you?" - Who is it? - Harman's brother, Max.
And the wind we're hearing is blowing through a giant field of Croatian Rhine Poppies right in Max Harman's backyard! So, Wesley Harman's innocent? I believe that Max framed Wesley to cut him out of the family fortune.
And I want to tell his story to the world and lots of other stories, too.
And once in a while, sometimes, they might even change someone's life.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
"Whoa," indeed.
See? You don't need pictures, okay? [GIGGLING.]
Okay.
Now, go watch TV while we finish dinner.
You look like you're very attracted to me right now.
- Little bit.
- Well, all those characters are gonna try and have sex with you.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, we'll just see how that goes.
- I hope one of them wins.
- [LAUGHS.]
Guys, I need you to calm me down.
Harman's skittish.
What if he freaks out when he sees this place.
Al, he's gonna love this joint.
This is a completely normal workplace.
- Ohh! - Heads up! Dee! Now is no time for resting.
Harman could be here any second.
I think he's here.
Mr.
Harman! Hi.
I'm Alex Schuman.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
I thought we were meeting in your office.
This looks like an Urban Outfitters.
Oh, no, no, this place is great.
I promise you.
And if there's anything I can do to relax you - Is that a cat?! - Oh.
- I'm quite allergic! - Okay.
Well, now, sir, you are in luck.
The Sneeze Jacket uses revolutionary technology that makes felines 100% hypoallergenic.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I love cats, but I haven't been able to touch one since I was a little boy.
Come with me! People like you are the reason I've dedicated my life to this start-up.
- Here.
Have a seat.
- Okay.
And meet Mr.
Tender-Puss.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! Mr.
Tender-Puss.
Hi.
This is amazing, dude.
That cat is totally calming him down.
This is it, cuz.
Your dream's about to come true.
Should we hug? I feel like maybe we should hug.
Okay, quick one with back taps.
Oh, my God! That's not good.
HARMAN: What a wonderful jacket! It looks so handsome on your little body.
Oh, my God.
M-Mr.
Harman? I feel so happy.
But also sleepy.
Oh, boy! With Harman in the hospital, I was pretty sure starting a company had been the biggest mistake of my Oh, no.
Magic.
Hey, buddy.
What you doing? Getting ready for the talent show.
- Want to see? - Uh, sure.
It's like a glorious ballet.
Listen, did I ever tell you that in high school, I was in the AV club? We'd go around setting up VCRs, and I thought I was so cool at the time, but What's a VCR? Oh.
That was That was back there, huh? I just mean, with the talent show, man, may maybe think about just flying under the radar a little bit.
T-That's what I did, and I-I got pretty good at it.
You know what? That's a good idea.
- Maybe I'll go a different way.
- Really? Dad, we are totally on the same page.
Okay.
Great.
Did you brush your teeth? This is how I brush my teeth.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, dramatic sigh.
I want to talk about it, babe.
I do.
I just need one sec.
[WHIMPERS LOUDLY.]
Okay, I guess we're talking about it now.
Look, babe, I know you lost - your murderer today.
- Alleged.
Just tell the investor that you're gonna think of millions of other shows, 'cause you are.
You're a very persuasive man.
I knew that from the moment I met you.
You mean when I threw up on your shoes? No, after that, when you popped an Altoid and went right back to hitting on me.
[CHUCKLES.]
And, look, worst-case scenario even if this doesn't work, we're gonna be okay.
Al? We are gonna be okay, right? Tell me you didn't touch the 401(K).
- Rooni, calm face.
- I don't want to do calm face! Wait.
Babe, I can explain what happened.
- Rooni! Rooni! - No, you know what? This last month has been hard.
I have been picking up cases to make more money, racing home for the kids because Rosalba claims, "Only the devil is up after 7:00," and I have tried not to complain because I really want you to have your shot.
But you know what would have been nice in return? Not spending the 401(K)? Not lying to the person who's supposed to be your best friend.
[SIGHS.]
Well, if the night before wasn't bad enough, the morning of the biggest day of my life was even worse.
Rosalba is dead to me.
- She has a tummy ache.
- No, she didn't call in sick.
She called in "old," which I don't think you're even allowed to do.
So, here we are, back where we started.
And, as you can see, I'm nailing it.
Look, my plane's waiting for me at Teterboro.
So when I'm on the fence about something like this, what I like to ask is, "Why are you gonna succeed when others will fail?" I like to call it a company's unfair advantage.
So what's yours? Unfair advantage? I was ready for a lot of questions, but this was not one of them.
So instead, I did the only logical thing someone in my position would do.
Well, I have no idea what that was.
It's better with a hamster.
Look, bro, I got to go.
Till next time.
- [STAMMERS.]
- Goodbye, tiny friend.
Peace out! Your smoothie, ma'am.
Ooh! Thank you.
You ordered a smoothie? They're free.
[SLURPS.]
[OFF-KEY.]
And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I'll ever know There's no way I can ever go No, no, no, no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you I'm not living without you I don't wanna be free - I'm staying - Uh-oh.
Mom's mad.
Well, she has every right to be.
Daddy totally screwed up.
- Shh! - I'm sorry.
But in my defense, none of those are the notes.
- Not one.
- I think it's beautiful.
Well, you need a new set of ears, then, 'cause those are broken.
Love me-e-e-e-e [APPLAUSE.]
Look, I know you're giving me the silent treatment right now, but if it would make you feel better to say "I told you so," go right ahead, 'cause nothing could possibly make me feel worse.
Next up Ben Schuman's Magical World of Illusion! I stand corrected.
Greetings, mortals! He told me he wasn't gonna do this.
Prepare to be transported to a magical land of wonder and illusion.
[LAUGHTER.]
[COUGHS.]
Loser! [COUGHS.]
Now I need a volunteer.
What about you? Come on.
Don't be shy.
Let's give her some encouragement, yeah? Yeah.
[APPLAUSE.]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Yes, very nice.
Big round of applause for, um Sorry.
What's your name? - Chloe.
- Chloe, everyone! Chloe! We're gonna have to move.
All right, now, in you go, Chloe.
All right.
Perfect.
You comfy? And now comes the fun part [CLANKING.]
real steel swords! Where the hell did he get swords? I have no idea.
And now, dear Chloe, I am about to transport you to a land of wonder.
- [CHLOE SCREAMS.]
- Oh, my God! Uh, uh, wha No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, Chloe! I'm so sorry, Chloe! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Uh, uh Chloe?! Chloe?! [AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
Well, that's strange.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, my God! - Oh [SINGSONG VOICE.]
Chloe? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yeah! Whoo! That was amazing! Yeah! That's my son! That's my son! - Dude, that was awesome! - Ben, that was incredible! - Oh, my God! - Thank you.
- That was so amazing! - Thanks.
I thought you said you were gonna go a different way.
I did.
Until today, Chloe was my assistant.
When you said, "Fly under the radar," I figured you meant plant her in the audience as a reluctant volunteer.
That's exactly what I meant.
You nailed it.
You nailed it.
You know, I-I saw some kids give some mean looks, but you just kept going.
That was so brave, Ben.
People who think magic is lame just haven't seen the right person do it yet.
I know how to make magic cool.
It's like you.
- Nobody thinks radio is cool - Mm but when you do it, it's amazing.
["DON'T THINK TWICE IT'S ALL RIGHT" PLAYS.]
What? What did I say? Exactly what I needed to hear.
Everybody in the van! We've got a plane to catch.
- Even you don't know by now - [TIRES SCREECH.]
And there ain't no use to sit Hold on! It'll never do somehow Well, don't think twice It's all right - Mr.
Sacca, wait! - Schuman? How the hell did you get out here? I may have driven through a security gate, but I had to tell you something.
You asked me earlier what's my company's unfair advantage? Well, it's me.
What I do is really, really hard, and no one does it better than I do.
So if you don't want in, that's fine.
I will find someone who does, and I will make them very, very rich.
Much richer than this.
All right! That's what I've been looking for from you, man! - Some fire! - [CHUCKLES.]
I mean, driving up here like this, - busting through that gate - [CHUCKLING.]
I know! which those guys are definitely gonna arrest you for.
[SIRENS CHIRP.]
That's passion.
That's what it takes to build a company.
But before I go all-in, I still got to know, what's the first show about? Okay, it was time to shine, but my mind went blank.
It should be this.
Yes! Yes! This is the show.
This is the first show.
It It It's a show about a-a guy like me with a family like them.
Yeah, a guy who has no business starting his own business, but he's going for it anyway.
And he'll make lots of mistakes.
He'll lie to his wife.
Only once.
And she'll forgive him? Eventually.
Maybe.
A-And we don't know how it'll turn out.
I mean, he could succeed, he could fail, but either way, I promise you, people are gonna love to watch him try.
I love it.
It's the American dream.
I'm in.
Yes! What did I tell you?! - So long, honey, babe - [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Thank you, Mr.
Sacca! We did it! Whoo-hoo! This is the best day of my life! - [THUD.]
- Oh, wow, that really hurt.
Okay, listen, are handcuffs really necessary? My family's here.
What am I gonna do? Run away? Sorry, buddy.
That's protocol.
Protocol.
You coulda done better, but I don't mind You just kinda wasted my precious time But don't think twice It's all right
Why should I invest in your podcast company? Well, first of all, it's not just any podcast company.
It's the Cadillac of podcast companies.
Do people still use "Cadillac" as a reference? - Mnh-mnh.
- Sorry.
It's, uh the Maybach, uh the Khaleesi, t-the Leonardo DiCaprio.
Wow.
Is your dad always this nervous? - It's 'cause you're rich.
- Soraya! I'm sorry, again, about her.
We had a little childcare dilemma.
You know, I think I could explain the money part better if I fire up the old pitch deck.
Um, now, uh - I have a graph here.
- [PROJECTOR BEEPS.]
- Ow! - Oh, sorry! I'm just so sorry.
I just never really fully got a chance to to set all this up.
Uh, so many wires.
This guy.
Who's this guy? Look, Alex, listen, if I were calling an Uber and it said it was gonna be here in two minutes and that's all the time you had who are you and what are you doing? Go.
ALEX: One month ago, I decided, at 37, with a wife and two kids, now would be a good time to quit my job and start my own business.
Who am I and what am I doing? My name's Alex Schuman, and I'm ruining my life.
- Now, who said that? - Dad.
- And what did he say? - Dad! He said what? I'm not I didn't hear you.
- Dad! - Ben.
Let Daddy finish his super-important work call.
I just thought he'd be interested to know that I met this girl on the Internet.
At least, I think she's a girl.
Her name's Steven, and she wants to meet in a van in the woods.
Ha ha.
I can hear you.
Look, I got to go.
They want me off the phone.
All right.
I'll see you in a bit.
Sorry.
I'm just, uh, working on this story about this alleged murderer, Wesley Harman.
But Mommy's right no more work talk.
This is morning family time.
I'm gonna puke up my breakfast.
All right, what's up? I'm sorry.
You have all my attention.
Go.
Do you want to see a new illusion I've been working on? Sure.
Awesome.
Let me get my hamster.
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
Our hamster! How do we feel about this whole magic thing? Middle-school kids can be so mean.
All I know is, David Blaine is pretty hot.
Yeah, but for every David Blaine, there's a Carrot Top.
- I hate carrots.
- Me too.
All right.
[GRUNTS.]
Now pay very careful attention.
As you can see, Todd is in the box.
Oh.
Morning, Todd.
By the way, I'm doing a much more elaborate version of this for the school talent show.
In front of the whole school? Whoa, whoa! What is that hand gesture? Look in the box.
I think you'll find that Todd's gone.
- No.
- No, sweetie.
- He's still there.
- Todd's right there, man.
- Fail.
- Really? Yeah.
- What the heck, Todd? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
- We talked about this.
- I have to get this.
Don't be mad at me.
He's arguing with Todd.
I promise, it'll be quick.
- What do you mean, you don't like the trick? - Hello? - It's a classic! - He's in?! [LAUGHING.]
Yes! Harman's in! - The murderer? - Alleged.
I got to go.
Love you all! Love you.
Good luck! For the past 16 years, I've worked at a radio show called "Cheer Up!" It was like NPR on Prozac.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
I got the Harman story! We'd been doing the same feel-good stories my whole career, and lately, I'd been yearning to do something different something that mattered.
And so I walked into that pitch meeting with what I knew would be a game-changing story.
And it it it's a portrait and a reprimand, not just of the justice system but of society itself.
But except for my producer, Deirdre, nobody else liked it.
I appreciate your passion, Alex, but the show's called "Cheer Up!" not "I Wanna Hang Myself.
" [LAUGHTER.]
And I don't know why, but in that moment, something in me just snapped.
You know what, you know what I-I-I-I-I can't do this anymore, okay? I-I can't do one more feel-good piece about child-prodigy pianists or gorillas who know sign language.
How many gorillas know sign language at this point? It feels like all, frankly.
All gorillas! Sorry, Akira.
I-I don't want to cheer people up.
I want to engage their minds and open their eyes to what's happening in the world.
And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, okay? I'm gonna go somewhere where I can tell those stories.
Now, who's coming with me? - You quit your job?! - Yes.
But what if I and this is one of the reasons why I wanted to take you to dinner tonight start my own podcast company? [LAUGHING.]
Why are you laughing? Because you're kidding.
You're not kidding? Oh, God.
Rooni, I've worked my whole life for other people.
I want to do something I can be proud of.
I want something that's mine.
- Buy a boat.
- We can't afford a boat.
Buy a kayak.
I would love a kayak.
Alex, you're an amazing storyteller, but please don't take this the wrong way you're not good at anything else.
I know.
That's why I'm gonna ask Eddie to be my partner.
Second cousin Eddie? Does he even know what a podcast is? I'm not sure.
But Eddie can sell anything.
I really think we'd be a good yin/yang for each other.
He could yang me.
And sometimes, I need to be yanged.
You do like a good yanging.
But no, babe, you need someone who knows something about podcasting.
I know, which is why I'm also gonna ask [MUMBLES.]
I'm sorry.
I didn't catch that.
[WHISPERING.]
Deirdre.
Tell me you're not mumbling "Deirdre"! I've worked with like 50 producers.
She's the best by a mile.
Alex, she's in love with you! Oh, I don't know about that.
It's more of an unhealthy obsession.
I know what this is really about, and I want you to know, I am not gonna touch the 401(K).
It would never occur to me that you would even think about touching the 401(K).
Again, not going to.
Rooni, this is my moment.
This industry's about to explode, and if it does, it could change the whole world.
Let's be a part of that.
I want to change the world.
Don't you? [SIGHS.]
Damn it.
You know I'm a sucker for Change the World Alex.
I didn't want to play the change-the-world card, but you left me with no other option.
[GROANS.]
Fine! Go change the world! Love you.
So, like Jobs and Zuckerberg before me, I got my dream team together.
Uh, Deirdre, do you think maybe you could sit across from me? I'm so sorry I didn't realize we were physically - Yeah, well - next to each other.
- Aah! [CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Yeah, 'cause there's more room over here, actually, so that's good.
So, what, you hired a groupie? Stop it.
Let me make the formal introductions.
Deirdre Riordan, meet my cousin Eddie LaGuzza, the most in-demand salesman in town.
If he's so in-demand, why is he in a coffee shop at 3:00 on a Tuesday? Because I was just dying to spend 8 bucks on an espresso.
This friggin' place.
Who the hell is she? Uh, Ed, did you have a chance to come up with a business plan? Yes.
I ran some preliminary numbers, and the good news is, seems like all we really need is a solid mic and some chairs.
Now, I have some chairs.
I-I-I'm sorry.
It's clear that you have no idea what Alex does.
He makes highly produced, highly edited pieces.
They require equipment and staff and a travel budget and just a li'l bit of Alex's special sauce.
But you don't need to worry about that, 'cause it's my job to get that out of him.
You say filthy things without realizing it.
I like you.
ALEX: I think what Deirdre's trying to say, Eddie, is the type of shows I want to do cost a lot of money.
So, why don't we make a list of every rich person that we know? Eddie had nothing.
Deirdre had a particularly lovely picture of me.
I love the way she handled my nose.
And all I could think of was a billionaire I once interviewed.
But for our company to be taken seriously, we needed an office that wasn't a coffee shop.
When my co-founders and I finally found one that was cheap enough, I wanted Rooni to see it before we signed the lease.
Welcome to the nerd factory.
It's an incubator, babe.
Everyone here has ideas they're developing.
- ["ROCK-A-BYE BABY" PLAYS.]
- Those guys are designing a robot - that rocks a baby to sleep.
- Heads up! Coming along, fellas.
Those ladies made a jacket you put on cats to make them hypoallergenic.
These guys are trying to create a professional beer pong league.
[ALL GROAN.]
Hey, they're kind of cute, huh? Oh, I prefer my men more intellectual, with larger noses.
So? What do you think? I think it's amazing, babe.
I'm so proud of you.
Listen, I got to get to court.
- I'll see you tonight, okay? - I love you.
Al, we got a little problem.
Guy wants three months in advance.
I don't have $10,000 unless I dip into the 401(K), which I promised Rooni I wouldn't do.
Yeah, but what if there was a world where you didn't tell Rooni? - I tell Rooni everything.
- Yeah, in this world.
Let's go to that other world.
Look, I believe in this company.
That's why I'm putting everything I have into it.
- You don't have anything.
- Yeah, but it's all in there.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I need an answer, fellas.
I got Pilates at noon.
We're gonna be huge, Al.
I know this.
We're in.
A week had gone by, and I still hadn't told Rooni I'd dipped into our 401(K).
Fortunately, I was doing a decent job of hiding my guilt.
Oh.
Sorry, guys.
I'm just trying to make sure it's nice and lean.
Guys, Daddy's a little nervous because he's interviewing a murderer tomorrow for his big investor pitch.
"Alleged," and I am not that nervous.
Is it gonna be on the radio? TV's better.
I need pictures.
Ohh! My own daughter.
You don't need pictures.
Are you kidding me? Here.
I'll tell you what.
Close your eyes for a second.
Now imagine hearing a really creepy old guy's voice.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
"My name is Wesley Harman, and I didn't do it!" Didn't do what? Oh! See, Daddy's got you listening now.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Now we hear a woman's voice.
She says she's Harman's neighbor.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
"Something was always off with him.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"Always alone on his family's estate.
And when kids would come and take his apples, you know what he would do? He'd chase them off with a shotgun.
" Are you sure this story's appropriate for children? Okay, calm down, Grandma.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Then, we hear a policeman's voice on a CB radio.
[AMPLIFIED.]
"Uh, dispatch, we got two murdered kids on the Harman property.
" Yeah, actually, Al, where are you going with this? - I like it.
- Me too.
Then "We now go to Bob Jenkins, reporting live at the scene.
" "Uh, the children both had a rare poison in their stomachs and apples.
" - Hold that for a second.
- Ugh! So, Harman's arrested and let out on bail.
Now we're in a science lab [LAUGHTER.]
where a scientist tells us about this rare poison.
The one Harman put on the apples? The one someone put on the apples.
The scientist says [NASALLY.]
"It's very hard to make.
Uh, you need seeds from the Croatian Rhine Poppy virtually nonexistent in the U.
S.
" [NORMAL VOICE.]
Now we hear this.
Make this noise with me.
[IMITATES WIND BLOWING.]
[ALL IMITATE WIND BLOWING.]
The wind blowing through a field.
- A knock on a heavy door.
- [DOOR OPENS, CREAKS.]
And a voice we've heard before.
"Can I help you?" - Who is it? - Harman's brother, Max.
And the wind we're hearing is blowing through a giant field of Croatian Rhine Poppies right in Max Harman's backyard! So, Wesley Harman's innocent? I believe that Max framed Wesley to cut him out of the family fortune.
And I want to tell his story to the world and lots of other stories, too.
And once in a while, sometimes, they might even change someone's life.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
"Whoa," indeed.
See? You don't need pictures, okay? [GIGGLING.]
Okay.
Now, go watch TV while we finish dinner.
You look like you're very attracted to me right now.
- Little bit.
- Well, all those characters are gonna try and have sex with you.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, we'll just see how that goes.
- I hope one of them wins.
- [LAUGHS.]
Guys, I need you to calm me down.
Harman's skittish.
What if he freaks out when he sees this place.
Al, he's gonna love this joint.
This is a completely normal workplace.
- Ohh! - Heads up! Dee! Now is no time for resting.
Harman could be here any second.
I think he's here.
Mr.
Harman! Hi.
I'm Alex Schuman.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
I thought we were meeting in your office.
This looks like an Urban Outfitters.
Oh, no, no, this place is great.
I promise you.
And if there's anything I can do to relax you - Is that a cat?! - Oh.
- I'm quite allergic! - Okay.
Well, now, sir, you are in luck.
The Sneeze Jacket uses revolutionary technology that makes felines 100% hypoallergenic.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I love cats, but I haven't been able to touch one since I was a little boy.
Come with me! People like you are the reason I've dedicated my life to this start-up.
- Here.
Have a seat.
- Okay.
And meet Mr.
Tender-Puss.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! Mr.
Tender-Puss.
Hi.
This is amazing, dude.
That cat is totally calming him down.
This is it, cuz.
Your dream's about to come true.
Should we hug? I feel like maybe we should hug.
Okay, quick one with back taps.
Oh, my God! That's not good.
HARMAN: What a wonderful jacket! It looks so handsome on your little body.
Oh, my God.
M-Mr.
Harman? I feel so happy.
But also sleepy.
Oh, boy! With Harman in the hospital, I was pretty sure starting a company had been the biggest mistake of my Oh, no.
Magic.
Hey, buddy.
What you doing? Getting ready for the talent show.
- Want to see? - Uh, sure.
It's like a glorious ballet.
Listen, did I ever tell you that in high school, I was in the AV club? We'd go around setting up VCRs, and I thought I was so cool at the time, but What's a VCR? Oh.
That was That was back there, huh? I just mean, with the talent show, man, may maybe think about just flying under the radar a little bit.
T-That's what I did, and I-I got pretty good at it.
You know what? That's a good idea.
- Maybe I'll go a different way.
- Really? Dad, we are totally on the same page.
Okay.
Great.
Did you brush your teeth? This is how I brush my teeth.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, dramatic sigh.
I want to talk about it, babe.
I do.
I just need one sec.
[WHIMPERS LOUDLY.]
Okay, I guess we're talking about it now.
Look, babe, I know you lost - your murderer today.
- Alleged.
Just tell the investor that you're gonna think of millions of other shows, 'cause you are.
You're a very persuasive man.
I knew that from the moment I met you.
You mean when I threw up on your shoes? No, after that, when you popped an Altoid and went right back to hitting on me.
[CHUCKLES.]
And, look, worst-case scenario even if this doesn't work, we're gonna be okay.
Al? We are gonna be okay, right? Tell me you didn't touch the 401(K).
- Rooni, calm face.
- I don't want to do calm face! Wait.
Babe, I can explain what happened.
- Rooni! Rooni! - No, you know what? This last month has been hard.
I have been picking up cases to make more money, racing home for the kids because Rosalba claims, "Only the devil is up after 7:00," and I have tried not to complain because I really want you to have your shot.
But you know what would have been nice in return? Not spending the 401(K)? Not lying to the person who's supposed to be your best friend.
[SIGHS.]
Well, if the night before wasn't bad enough, the morning of the biggest day of my life was even worse.
Rosalba is dead to me.
- She has a tummy ache.
- No, she didn't call in sick.
She called in "old," which I don't think you're even allowed to do.
So, here we are, back where we started.
And, as you can see, I'm nailing it.
Look, my plane's waiting for me at Teterboro.
So when I'm on the fence about something like this, what I like to ask is, "Why are you gonna succeed when others will fail?" I like to call it a company's unfair advantage.
So what's yours? Unfair advantage? I was ready for a lot of questions, but this was not one of them.
So instead, I did the only logical thing someone in my position would do.
Well, I have no idea what that was.
It's better with a hamster.
Look, bro, I got to go.
Till next time.
- [STAMMERS.]
- Goodbye, tiny friend.
Peace out! Your smoothie, ma'am.
Ooh! Thank you.
You ordered a smoothie? They're free.
[SLURPS.]
[OFF-KEY.]
And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I'll ever know There's no way I can ever go No, no, no, no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you I'm not living without you I don't wanna be free - I'm staying - Uh-oh.
Mom's mad.
Well, she has every right to be.
Daddy totally screwed up.
- Shh! - I'm sorry.
But in my defense, none of those are the notes.
- Not one.
- I think it's beautiful.
Well, you need a new set of ears, then, 'cause those are broken.
Love me-e-e-e-e [APPLAUSE.]
Look, I know you're giving me the silent treatment right now, but if it would make you feel better to say "I told you so," go right ahead, 'cause nothing could possibly make me feel worse.
Next up Ben Schuman's Magical World of Illusion! I stand corrected.
Greetings, mortals! He told me he wasn't gonna do this.
Prepare to be transported to a magical land of wonder and illusion.
[LAUGHTER.]
[COUGHS.]
Loser! [COUGHS.]
Now I need a volunteer.
What about you? Come on.
Don't be shy.
Let's give her some encouragement, yeah? Yeah.
[APPLAUSE.]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Yes, very nice.
Big round of applause for, um Sorry.
What's your name? - Chloe.
- Chloe, everyone! Chloe! We're gonna have to move.
All right, now, in you go, Chloe.
All right.
Perfect.
You comfy? And now comes the fun part [CLANKING.]
real steel swords! Where the hell did he get swords? I have no idea.
And now, dear Chloe, I am about to transport you to a land of wonder.
- [CHLOE SCREAMS.]
- Oh, my God! Uh, uh, wha No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, Chloe! I'm so sorry, Chloe! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Uh, uh Chloe?! Chloe?! [AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
Well, that's strange.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, my God! - Oh [SINGSONG VOICE.]
Chloe? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yeah! Whoo! That was amazing! Yeah! That's my son! That's my son! - Dude, that was awesome! - Ben, that was incredible! - Oh, my God! - Thank you.
- That was so amazing! - Thanks.
I thought you said you were gonna go a different way.
I did.
Until today, Chloe was my assistant.
When you said, "Fly under the radar," I figured you meant plant her in the audience as a reluctant volunteer.
That's exactly what I meant.
You nailed it.
You nailed it.
You know, I-I saw some kids give some mean looks, but you just kept going.
That was so brave, Ben.
People who think magic is lame just haven't seen the right person do it yet.
I know how to make magic cool.
It's like you.
- Nobody thinks radio is cool - Mm but when you do it, it's amazing.
["DON'T THINK TWICE IT'S ALL RIGHT" PLAYS.]
What? What did I say? Exactly what I needed to hear.
Everybody in the van! We've got a plane to catch.
- Even you don't know by now - [TIRES SCREECH.]
And there ain't no use to sit Hold on! It'll never do somehow Well, don't think twice It's all right - Mr.
Sacca, wait! - Schuman? How the hell did you get out here? I may have driven through a security gate, but I had to tell you something.
You asked me earlier what's my company's unfair advantage? Well, it's me.
What I do is really, really hard, and no one does it better than I do.
So if you don't want in, that's fine.
I will find someone who does, and I will make them very, very rich.
Much richer than this.
All right! That's what I've been looking for from you, man! - Some fire! - [CHUCKLES.]
I mean, driving up here like this, - busting through that gate - [CHUCKLING.]
I know! which those guys are definitely gonna arrest you for.
[SIRENS CHIRP.]
That's passion.
That's what it takes to build a company.
But before I go all-in, I still got to know, what's the first show about? Okay, it was time to shine, but my mind went blank.
It should be this.
Yes! Yes! This is the show.
This is the first show.
It It It's a show about a-a guy like me with a family like them.
Yeah, a guy who has no business starting his own business, but he's going for it anyway.
And he'll make lots of mistakes.
He'll lie to his wife.
Only once.
And she'll forgive him? Eventually.
Maybe.
A-And we don't know how it'll turn out.
I mean, he could succeed, he could fail, but either way, I promise you, people are gonna love to watch him try.
I love it.
It's the American dream.
I'm in.
Yes! What did I tell you?! - So long, honey, babe - [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Thank you, Mr.
Sacca! We did it! Whoo-hoo! This is the best day of my life! - [THUD.]
- Oh, wow, that really hurt.
Okay, listen, are handcuffs really necessary? My family's here.
What am I gonna do? Run away? Sorry, buddy.
That's protocol.
Protocol.
You coulda done better, but I don't mind You just kinda wasted my precious time But don't think twice It's all right