Alex, Inc. (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

The Wax Museum

1 [BEEP] ALEX: Testing, testing.
[SWITCH CLICKS] [SIGHS] Testing complete.
It's 4:00 a.
, and I am too excited to sleep.
Tomorrow is my first official day as the boss of my new podcast company, and this right here is our very first podcast.
You might wonder why someone with a good job, a wife, two kids, and a dancer's body would do something so risky.
It's because I believe there's a place where I can tell the kind of stories I want to tell.
Where I can work with the kind of people I want to work with.
And most of all, where no one and I mean no one can tell me what to do.
Will you please shut up? Oh.
Sorry, honey.
That's the person who was snoring earlier.
And now I'm pouring my coffee.
Why are you wearing a purse? Oh.
It's not a purse, sweetie.
It's a stylish satchel that houses my recording device.
Then why is there a LUNA bar in there? They're not just for women.
They're for anybody on the go.
Now, guys, this podcast about our lives only works if you ignore the microphone and just act like you'd normally act.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Hello, guv'nor.
I'm a British person.
Or do that.
Dad, I'm gonna need some help with my costume for my wax museum project.
What wax museum project? Well, everybody dresses up like an historical figure, and then when someone pushes your button, you say something your person famously said.
[NORMAL VOICE] That sounds boring.
You'll be great at it.
Not having Popsicles for breakfast.
- You're mean.
- Yeah, I'm a monster.
Listen, everybody needs to be ready to walk out that door in five.
Wait, you're taking us? Dad, I don't love it when Mom drives.
She's not great at things like making lefts.
Oh, stop it.
Your mom's a great driver.
And luckily for you, the drive to school is all rights.
Look, kids, I know you're used to Dad doing a lot more of these things because at his old job, he had more flexible hours and made good money and had great benefits and still decided to quit and thrust us into chaos Come on back, baby.
which I am totally supportive of.
But now that he's busier, I'm gonna be doing morning drop-off.
And today, you're gonna do pickup, too, you said.
And pickup today, too.
You know what I'm actually excited to be a little more involved.
Wait, Dad.
Does that mean you're going to miss my wax museum show? - No! Of course! - Are you still gonna read to me at night? You guys, this may be a new chapter in my career, but nothing is going to change, okay? As the great Lee Iacocca once said in one of my many management books, "You don't turn your back on family.
" Or maybe that was Vin Diesel in "Fast & The Furious 6.
" Irrelevant.
The point is, I got this.
Hands in.
Whoo! Team Schuman! - Team Schuman! - I love you all.
I love you.
[LAUGHS] - Forgot my purse.
- [GIGGLING] Good morning, all.
It's just the two of us, Al.
That's my second cousin Eddie, always giving me the business.
- Say something, Ed.
- [BRITISH ACCENT] I'm a British guy.
Why does everybody make themselves British? Can I just say I love your first-day-of-work outfit.
Thank you, Deirdre Riordan, producer, cheerleader.
I would take a bullet for Alex.
Okay, let's hope it doesn't come to that.
Now, I have a packed agenda for today, which begins with an inspirational speech.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
And go.
As we venture out on this journey together, I want us all to be prepared for obstacles, both from the outside and also from in here in this place.
- Your nipple? - He's pointing to his heart his love muscle.
Nobody's got a bigger love muscle than Alex.
You really don't hear it, do you? Continue, Alex.
I'm on the edge of my seat.
That's just 'cause that chair naturally tips forward.
Yeah, why do I get the tippy chair? Because I found the Incubator.
Al had the idea for the company.
So far, you just bounce around here like a tiny bird on methamphetamines.
You get the good chair when you score.
- You know, you are a real piece of work.
- Guys, come on.
You know, when I practiced this speech at home, I held for applause, not fighting.
Now my rhythm's all off.
I'm just gonna jump to the end.
Uh, and in conclusion, at my old job, it was like a dictatorship.
This is going to be a democracy.
So bring on your ideas.
There are no bad ones.
Yes, Deirdre? And you don't need to raise your hand.
I thought it would be cool for the podcast to weave in interviews with successful start-up founders whose stories might relate to yours.
- [IMITATES BUZZER] - Eddie, I said there were no bad ideas, and, actually, that's a really good one.
Yeah, well, good luck finding a major CEO who's gonna wanna talk to us.
We just started today.
I haven't even unpacked my sauces.
Would you consider Jack Miller, the founder of Hoardr, a billion-dollar start-up on the cover of this month's Wired magazine a major CEO? Because he's coming in this Wednesday at 3:00.
Really?! That's amazing! Oh, my God! A hug! I don't want that! - I need it.
- [LAUGHS] Wait, did you say this Wednesday? I have to to Ben's wax museum show.
- Can Miller re-schedule? - I can ask, but he is only in town for the day.
You know what maybe it's a blessing in disguise, 'cause Rooni been saying she wants to get more involved.
Now she can be.
Let's do it.
Yay! Okay.
- I did just a little bit of research.
- [THUMP] Wow.
I guess we're working late tonight.
And I'll be taking the good chair now.
ALEX: They traded chairs four more times that day.
And when I finally got home, Soraya had fallen asleep in our bedroom.
SORAYA: "I forgive you.
This time.
" I missed her.
Ohhh! She tried to stay up.
We just we didn't think you'd be so late.
Neither did I.
My first day was crazy.
I think my employees already hate each other.
Well, it was no picnic around here, either.
I got to admit, I'm a little rusty flying solo with the whole nighttime routine.
- Mm.
- The kids get really smelly.
Occasionally, I give them a light Febreze.
- Oh.
- It won't always be like this, though.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY] - Except for Wednesday.
I can't come to that wax museum thing.
- Really? - Excuse me? You can't come? I'm sorry, buddy, but what are you wearing? [SIGHS] This is Mom's masterpiece.
What is the matter with Lincoln? That's Lincoln? Like, Abraham Lincoln? - Yes! - Since when do four brown socks stapled together look like a beard? They're not even matching socks.
One of them's argyle.
This is why I need you, Dad.
This isn't really Mom's thing.
This whole costume is one giant left turn.
- Okay.
- You know what, since I can't come Wednesday, I'll pick you up from school tomorrow, and I'll take you to an awesome costume shop, okay? Sweet.
Is this really that bad? You look like a tiny rabbi who got stuck in the dryer.
ALEX: Trying to run my business like a democracy still wasn't working.
Eddie and Deirdre were arguing about everything which is why I've been laying down these hot tracks in the kitchen.
Excuse me.
Uh, there's no podcasting in the kitchen.
Read the sign.
Okay, well, you're not in trouble.
I call her The Tattler.
- Al, I got to talk to you.
- Can it wait, buddy? - I have to go buy Ben a costume.
- No, this is pressing.
Okay, so, I've been researching these "podcasts.
" You don't have to use air quotes.
They're a real thing.
Yeah, it's pretty incredible.
They got one for everything.
I learned how to knit last night.
Is that a potholder? Well, it's gonna be a scarf, but for now, - it's a pocket square.
- Hmm.
Anyway, through my research, I discovered this outfit called Squarespace.
Yeah, they're, like, the biggest advertisers out there.
Well, turns out, I know a guy from the neighborhood whose daughter works there.
Long story short, bippity boppity boop, we got a meeting with Squarespace.
- That's incredible, Eddie! - Yeah, yeah.
Problem is, they want to meet tomorrow afternoon at 3:00 same time as Deirdre's thingamajig.
- No! - Yeah, tough break for the kid.
Not sure what you want to tell her.
Tell who what? Okay, Deirdre, deep breath.
Eddie got a meeting with a big advertiser, and they can only meet at the exact same time as your Hoardr guy.
Looks like somebody's back in the tippy chair.
You are so petty! You're a petty man! I think that went pretty well.
[SIGHS] Hey, you.
I didn't quit my job to be the third wheel on the Cousin Show.
You are not a third wheel, okay? And you know what, even if you were, you'd be the third wheel on a tricycle.
You know what happens when you lose the third wheel of a tricycle? You become a bicycle, and you can go much faster.
You know what, forget that analogy.
I just feel like advertisers invest in a good product, Alex.
Our first priority should be to make one.
You're right.
You're right.
I'll go talk to him.
I got to pick up my kids.
Hey, you.
I'm kind of thinking we should reschedule Squarespace.
Oh ho.
This is how it's gonna be, huh? You two used to work together, so now it's you against me.
[SIGHS] Al, I have real-world business expertise.
You really gonna trust some bookworm nerd who wouldn't know a smart business move if it took her to dinner? Which it never would, because she gets an F in boobs.
I'll have you know that they are A's, sir.
I'm sorry, Alex, but I cannot work with him.
I quit.
Yeah, well, good luck, Tinker Bell.
We're gonna miss your spunk.
No, she is not quitting.
Okay, then I guess I'm outta here.
No, guys! Come on, are you serious right now? I'm storming out this way.
You storm out that way.
- [GROANS] - Deirdre! [CELLPHONE RINGS] Dad, you ready to go get my costume? Oh, hey, buddy.
I'm having a little bit of a work emergency.
Dad, don't do this to me.
You know what, come to think of it, that Lincoln costume was pretty badass.
'Sup, Schuman? Did you see that? - Was that Daniel Day-Lewis? - I'm screwed.
ALEX: Please don't be mad at me, babe.
I'm dealing with a crisis.
I owe you one.
It's fine.
A kid who got his law degree last Wednesday is covering my case, but I'm sure him asking, "When do I get a turn with the gavel?" isn't a bad sign.
I know this isn't your thing, but look on the bright side.
Maybe you'll have fun.
Mom, there's a warlock aisle! - There's a warlock aisle? - I got to go.
Ben, honey, you just got to pick something.
We still have five more errands to run! Stop rushing me! Why is he taking so long? He's an old man trapped in a child's body.
God! I wish Dad were here.
Yeah you and me both.
[HANGER SQUEAKS] This is a place for joy and laughter.
I know.
I know it is.
I'm a great mom, okay? I'm just I'm supposed to be in court.
Me too.
Ben, sweetheart.
You take all the time you need.
We are gonna find you the perfect costume.
- Gracias, señora.
- De nada.
Guys, neither of you can quit, okay? Is this really about the tippy chair? 'Cause I'll take the stupid tippy chair, okay? And P.
it's not even broken.
All you got to do is pull on this little lever thingy Gaah! Okay, that chair is broken.
Look, Al, with all due respect to Little Miss Sunshine, if I give up on this, she'll think she can always just whine her way to victory.
- Oh, I haven't even begun to whine.
- I told you both I want this to be the kind of place where we talk things through and decide together.
I don't want to be some tyrannical leader like - Napoleon! - Napoleon! Nailed it.
I'll go pay.
Mom! Dad would be debating the pros and cons of each costume with me.
Uh Pros you look so handsome.
You've tried on 67 other costumes, and, uh, Napoleon was a very interesting historical figure.
Con Napoleon was a megalomaniacal dictator who reintroduced slavery to Haiti.
Thanks a lot, Donna.
- No worries.
- Ugh! Ben! I can't do this, okay? I'm no good at it.
I mean, what would your dad be doing right now? He'd probably be telling me who his heroes are.
- Who are your heroes? - Well Okay, so, the trust falls were a bust.
Let's try another round of "When you, I feel.
" I'll go first.
When you two fight, I feel sad.
Eddie? When you talk, I feel like you're an idiot.
When you breathe, I wish that you wouldn't.
- She didn't say "feel.
" I win.
- He is not doing this right! - It is not a competition, you two! - Put her out of her misery.
Hey! Hi! There's no arguing in the common areas.
Read the sign! W-We're sorry.
We're sorry.
You know what, she's right.
Sometimes when my kids are arguing, I just walk away, and they mysteriously work it out.
So I'm gonna go home and read to Soraya while you two figure out who's gonna cancel their meeting.
I'll be ready for either one in the morning.
Okay? SORAYA: "If you're reading this, you can tell I'm asleep.
What you can't tell is, I'm mad!" [CHUCKLES] I'm so sorry, baby.
I'm so sorry.
I'm a bad daddy.
I'm so sorry.
I missed her again.
[SIGHS] Well, it's only two days.
You'll have plenty of chances to read to her.
Not if I can't get Eddie and Deirdre to work together.
I thought this was gonna be a democracy, where we make big decisions together and eat lunch together and steal Hulu together.
By the way, who walks away from a trust fall? I trusted them.
Does it make it better or worse to hear that my day went really well? Oh, the costume shop.
I forgot to ask.
How'd it go? - Did you find something great? - I think so.
Just, please promise me that you'll keep an open mind.
Of course.
Ben, honey, come on out.
[GULPS] Whoa.
Are you going as Grandma Esther? - He's Eleanor Roosevelt! - Ohhhh.
Press my button, Dad.
[DING] A woman is like a tea bag.
You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
What do you think? I'm having so many thoughts.
I just I need I do need a quick second to focus in on one of them.
Oh, darn it! I got to go change my stockings.
Can you believe these already have a run? Do you know what the other kids are gonna do to him? He's dressed like a woman with a quote about tea bags.
Oh, come on! He'll be fine.
Right? Good morning, guys.
- Did you agree on something? - We did.
We agreed that one of the two meetings was much more important than the other.
I knew you two could work it out.
So, which one did you decide was more important? See, that, we did not agree on.
- Wait, what? - I couldn't do it, Alex.
This meeting means too much to the company.
I refuse to let you down.
I also refuse to let you down, but more so.
So, wait.
They're both on their way at the exact same time? What am I supposed to do, bounce back and forth from meeting to meeting? Well, if you had a good enough excuse to step out for a second or two.
I was being sarcastic.
This is insanity.
I think it could work.
I'll make up a list of excuses for you to slip out.
No, no, no, no, no! I'm not gonna memorize something.
I can't believe you two.
You know, at Northwestern, I dabbled a bit with the improv.
I guess I'll just go with the flow and see where I get flowed to.
Wow, amazing improv, boss.
Yeah, it's pretty intuitive once you learn the techniques.
I just say the first thing that comes to my mind.
The first thing that comes to my mind.
Table, chair, lamp.
Uh, papers, phone.
And we're projecting 100,000 listeners across all platforms, so that's something we're really, really excited about, - and we hope you'll want to be involved.
Could you excuse me just for one second? My My wife is having a little bit of an issue.
I'll be right back.
He's a little antsy about having to wait, so turn on the charm.
I don't want him to bail.
Charm set to "Stun.
" Mr.
Sorry about that.
I'm dealing with a little bit of a childcare dilemma.
- You know my first start-up tip? - Mm.
I think it's selfish to build a business when you have kids.
I think family makes you worse at your job.
That's why I don't have any.
- Well, I - Neither does Alex.
I thought you said you were having a childcare dilemma.
- I I am, but - They're not his children.
Deirdre, I can handle the talking, so thank you.
Whose children are they? They're not mine.
The The children were left on my desk next to my papers.
[TAPPING] Uh, excuse me while I deal with my orphans.
What are you doing? You're supposed to wait in the room.
She's trying to leave.
I ran out of small talk.
We got to improv hard.
Come in hot.
- I'm coming in hot.
- [DOOR OPENS] We are so sorry.
- His wife's in the hospital.
- What? No.
No, she's not.
Yes, she is.
You can tell them.
Oh, God! It's just a tiny bone thing.
- She broke a bone? - Well, not a major bone.
I'd say both legs are pretty major.
Eddie, what are you - [THUD] - Aah! Aah! Sorry.
I'm so That is That's my assistant with Probably with an update on those legs.
What? Why are you in the window? I just sat down in there.
He's about to walk.
We are at DEFCON 10! There is no DEFCON 10! Okay, everything's okay with my wife.
Your wife? I thought you said you were taking care of some stranger's kids.
I, uh - Table! Chair! Lamp! - What? [SIGHS] This is not working.
Miller, I have to be honest with you.
Aah! Oh, God.
ROONI: Wait, you're telling me your plan was to do the thing from "Mrs.
Doubtfire"? - That didn't even work in the movie.
- I know.
I should never have left those two alone to figure it out.
I was trying to make it home to read to Soraya.
Maybe that guy Jack Miller is right.
Maybe this is why you shouldn't start a company when you're a 37-year-old dad.
Hey, we're all doing stuff we're not used to doing.
You know, I was sort of resentful these past few days because you put all this new stuff on my plate, but I realized I was just feeling insecure.
Eddie and Deirdre are just like you and me.
We're all scared we're not gonna be able to handle this, but guess what.
I think we are.
Check this out.
Wait, he won?! Yeah, I won! With Mom's idea! [LAUGHS] Congrats, buddy.
Show me some of the other kids.
You know the losers.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
Hold on.
[DING] [GERMAN ACCENT] The only real valuable thing is intuition.
- [DING] - You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! [LAUGHS] Aren't these costumes amazing? Wait, wait.
Press Ben's button.
Oh, yeah.
Hold on one second.
[DING] I can't tell you how to succeed, but I can tell you how to fail.
Try to please everybody.
Thanks, Eleanor.
I got to go.
- You can book all the CEOs you want.
- Okay, this is ridiculous.
- If we don't have an advertiser, we're not - Hey, did they leave yet? Yeah, but I think they're still downstairs.
Okay, go get them all and put them in the conference room.
I'm gonna do both meetings together.
- Al, I think that ship has sailed.
- He's not gonna want to be a show pony.
That's my decision! - Damn.
- Alex.
Guys, sit down for a second, please.
I know you think you don't have anything in common, okay? But here's something you do have in common.
You both want this company to succeed.
I want your passion.
I-I do.
I-I want you to care so much that you refuse to change your meeting.
But in the end, someone is gonna have to decide which direction we're heading.
And from here on out, that someone is gonna be me.
Now, go get all those people and put them in the conference room now.
ALEX: And that was how, with the help of a little boy in kitten heels, I figured out that all I really had to do was lead.
Once Eddie and Deirdre understood that this wasn't quite a democracy, they relaxed and started working together.
The three of us were able to show the advertisers and Jack Miller that this was exactly what our show would be.
By the end, we'd sold everyone.
But you know what? That wasn't even the best part of my day.
Churches and trains They all look the same to me now They shoot you someplace "If you're reading this, that means you're about to be tickled!" I gotcha! I gotcha! [SORAYA LAUGHING] And even now, lying here, I can't stop thinking about what Jack Miller said about how having a family makes you worse at your job.
I wish I could tell him he's wrong.
I wish I could walk up to him and say, "Hey, Jack, you're missing out.
Because today, I succeeded not in spite of my family, but because of them.
" Shh! Sorry, honey.
Gotta go.
MAN: Knit one, purl one.
Knit one, purl two.
Knit one, purl one.
Knit one you guessed it purl two.
Wouldn't this be easier to learn from YouTube?! What's YouTube? You guys! Look how amazing this new chair is.
It rolls so fast.
Guys, watch.
I'll get a running start.
[CRASH] Next, we should make a onesie.
For an adult or a baby?! Adult.
I'm in!