ALF s01e15 Episode Script

I've Got a New Attitude

Watch out for that table.
I see it.
How is your mother going to get all this stuff Into that little apartment? You've never seen the inside of her handbag.
Heavy? Yes, but no heavier than other boxes you've watched us carry.
Would you mind licking this stamp? Can't you lick that yourself? Not with chocolate on my tongue.
Where'd you get the chocolate? It's the funniest thing; I found a whole box in the back of your closet.
I was going to give that to kate for valentine's day.
Oh, willie, that's sweet.
He ate the whole box.
Whining is not going to bring it back.
Willie, it's all right.
Maybe, he forgot-- He did; he forgot the second layer.
Right.
I only licked those.
Great.
Now nobody can eat them.
Brian, give that to me.
I'll put it with the rest of grandma's things.
Kate, am i mistaken, Or is that a cat stretcher? It's an oar.
Or what? Alf, why are you sending A ham to sally field? It's my valentine to her.
I don't think we should send Any more meats to celebrities.
Anyone could send shrimp.
Am i wearing a sign That says "kick me"? No, but that can be arranged.
Willie, get the staple gun.
I am in no mood for you.
What a coincidence.
What's the matter, mom? I'm just furious.
They haven't finished painting my apartment.
I can't move in until tomorrow, So i have to stay here for tonight.
What's the good news? Send that thing to its room.
You're off my ham list, lady.
Okay, you can come in now.
They've put the chicken in the yard.
Mom, what are you doing? My new neighbor insisted on Coming along to help me move things.
He's not going to believe that we have a chicken.
Fine.
Tell him the truth.
We have an alien.
Get in that henhouse! Shoo! Shoo! Bock-Bock-Bock bock-Bock-Bock! Bock-Bock-Bock bock-Bock-Bock! High fescue.
I'm willie tanner.
Nice to meet you.
No, that's what your grass is; "High fescue".
Yeah, that's the name of the grass.
We planted that last year.
I thought your name was high fescue.
No, that would be silly.
My name is whizzer deaver.
[ Laughter ] It really is.
This is my daughter, kate.
How do you do? Hi, kate.
Her son, brian.
Say hi, bri.
Hi, whizzer.
I hope you don't mind That i'm helping your mother get settled.
No, not at all.
Do you mind if i move in with her? I mind.
How 'bout if i get some of these boxes And get out of here.
Listen, nice meeting all of you.
I hope to see you at the wedding.
Mom, he is really darling.
What a nice guy.
Dorothy, where did you ever find him? Under my sink.
Dorothy! He was fixing my garbage disposal.
I haven't been able to shake him since.
Does bob hope still have teeth? Alf, forget it.
You're right.
A man his age shouldn't be eating pork.
And the bartender said, "I was talking to the duck.
" Gee, whizzer, you got a great sense of humor.
Most people don't get that joke.
Dorothy didn't.
I got it.
I just didn't think it was funny.
I know, and i wanted to make it up to you.
I hope you won't think me presumptuous.
If that means pushy, then yes, i do.
In that case, these are for you.
Oh, how lovely.
Not that i wouldn't have taken them-- Then i'll give them to you.
Why don't we divide them up? I'll put them in water.
What's left to be moved? What? Oh.
My suitcase here And just those things over there.
Ah, whose clarinet? I used to fool around with one of these things.
Just don't fool around with this one, okay? This belonged to my husband.
Hey, i can dig it.
A man's ax is sacred.
"Whizzer deaver and the whizztones".
Right.
Ha! You used to play that club on juniper street? What was the name of that? Club juniper.
This is one of the greatest clarinetists who ever lived.
I was no steve allen.
I wish i could hear you play sometime, whizzer.
Hey, i'll dig out my clarinet, I'll bring dorothy over some night, And we'll have a little jam session.
What night? Tonight.
I'm busy.
Doing what, mom? Well, we have to divide the flowers-- [ Alf ] ha! And then we're going to butcher the chicken! We have to go to a hockey game sometime.
I'll look into season tickets.
Seriously, i caught the game on the tube last night.
Fantastic! Skating, shooting the puck, Hitting each other with sticks.
It's just like klaneball, Except in klaneball, there's no skating or puck.
A pickle you? No, thank you.
I meant, did you do this? Yeah.
Your ham came back Insufficient postage.
How much does it cost to mail a ham in this state? Alf, you sent it fourth class.
So? On melmac, we had first class, Second class, fish and ham.
I think we lost fish and ham When the postage rates went up.
Oh, mom, whizzer called.
All right, whizzerman! Hello, to most of you.
I wouldn't take that, willie.
Mom, what if i had you and whizzer over for dinner? Very casual.
Just pot luck.
Honey, mr.
Deaver is a nice guy.
But i am not, repeat not, Interested in a relationship.
Dorothy, i'd like to say something about this, And i don't mean to be too critical, But you're saving yourself for a corpse.
Alf!! Well, she is.
And i'm not the only one who thinks so.
What do you mean? I talked to sparky.
You talked to my husband? I guess i never mentioned My ability to contact the dead.
I think we would've remembered that.
Everyone on melmac could do it.
Sometimes we'd just sit around after dinner And if there was nothing good on tv, We'd chat with the dead.
You never talked to sparky.
You don't believe me? Then, i'll prove it.
Sparky's favorite food was french toast with gravy, right? Did you tell him that? No.
And you didn't tell me That sparky called her "dodo.
" Uh, dodo? Yep.
He always said, "I hope my dodo finds somebody else.
" He also thought the funeral was very tasteful.
Alf, this really isn't very funny.
Just wait a minute; I want to know how alf knows all this.
I told you.
I talked to him.
All right.
All right.
Then prove it.
Oh, mom! Please.
Let me talk to him.
When? Now.
Tonight.
Well, it's been a while.
I mean, i can't guarantee anything.
The smog here is so thick.
Oh, oh.
Excuses yeah, sure.
All right! We'll chat with the dead.
Is this all right for a s?Nce? It looks fine.
Maybe you should tuck your blouse in.
What difference does it make what you wear? [ Laughter ] I guess it does make a difference.
Dorothy, they may be dead but they're not blind.
That is my scarf.
And my earring.
There are no possessions in the realm of the dead.
Come on, let's get this over with.
Keep your shirt on.
You haven't talked to the guy in 10 years.
won't kill you.
I went to Everybody was out of black candles.
What is this, national s?Nce day? All right, these will have to do.
Isn't that our goldfish bowl? Yeah.
Where's our goldfish? He's fine.
By the way, nobody flush the toilet.
Our goldfish bowl is on the table, And our goldfish is in the toilet.
Obviously, you know what you are doing.
Thank you.
All right, folks, sit down.
Where is brian? [ Toilet flushing ] Uh-- Oh.
Small price to pay for contacting the dead.
Let's move on.
Somebody wanna hit those lights? Yeah.
Incidentally, i'll be the only one asking questions.
Why you? What did i just say? Now, if you all join hands and close your eyes-- All the way, willie.
I'm sorry.
I'm going into a trance now.
Uheeeeunhhhh.
Mmmmmmmmmm.
Heahhhhh! You don't have to make rude noises.
That's all right, i don't mind.
Heahhhhh! Heahhhhh! Come on, get on with this.
I'm nervous enough already.
We're moving on.
Hello-- Hello-- I'm trying to reach sparky-- What was your last name again? Halligan.
Halligan.
Sparky, come in.
It's me, gordon.
Gordon shumway.
Gordon? Is that you? I don't believe this.
Sparky.
Yo, what's the good word? Can't complain.
Death's been good to me.
Oh, my god.
That sounds just like him.
It sounds like teddy ruxpin.
That's what dad sounded like.
Sparky, i'm sitting right here Next to the widow halligan.
My little dodo? Sparky? Sparky? Is this really you? Quiet.
Can we let the deceased get a word in? Sparky, talk to dorothy.
Give us a sign.
[ Bowling ball knocking over pins ] He left the 7.
That's sparky, then.
He always left the 7.
Oh, sweetheart, it's you, it's you.
He's up there.
It's you, it's you.
Mom, let's not be too hasty.
I believe your father was talking.
We only have a few seconds left, sparky.
Tell dodo what you told me The other day.
Dodo, if you should meet a man you like, Well, go for it.
Oh, sparky-- I don't know what to say.
As i was saying-- [ Sounds of tape recorder ] screech! What does that mean? Uh, it means the s?Nce is over.
Hit the lights! Break out the refreshments! And no questions, please, I'm still in a trance.
You're going to be in a coma If this is what i think it is.
This is my new tape recorder.
Tape recorder? Wait, i can explain.
So can i.
You're a fraud.
All right, alf.
Out with it! And we want the truth! The truth is, Not all of what you just saw is real.
This is a real fine hole in our dining room table.
Where was i supposed to put the flashlight? By the way, did that work for you? Where did you get All this information about my life? Easy.
I went through your things.
I thought it would make you feel better about whizzer.
Look, i've had it with whizzer! Just let me tell you something, buster.
I don't need any help from you or anybody else On how to live my life, okay? Now, when one of you has time, One of you can give me a ride to my apartment.
No, mom.
Wait, wait! You are in big trouble.
For what you paid, you could've gotten a better tape recorder.
It was on sale! Hey, wait a minute! What about those refreshments? I made little cookies in the shape of sparky! Jack rabbit courier.
Package for dorothy halligan.
Oh-- Oh, no, no-- Whoa.
What a rough trip.
It's like being sent "ham class.
" Just get out of here! Dorothy, please.
I came all the way over here to talk to you.
Lucky for you, i haven't unpacked the knives yet.
I admit that the s?Nce was a cruel trick, But i did it all for you.
Fine, you humiliated me for my benefit.
Thank you.
No.
I didn't count on humiliation.
That was sort of a bonus.
I know those knives are here somewhere.
I know how you must've felt about sparky.
It's not easy to lose something you love.
I know.
I lost my whole world.
But, at some point, we have to turn the page and move on.
I think what's really bugging you is That i'm on to something.
I think i've hit a nerve.
Thank you very much for the speech; You can run along now.
I'm sure you'll have no problem catching a cab.
[ Doorbell rings ] I'll get that.
You're busy being defensive.
You'll get down! You'll shut up! Throw me a magazine.
No! Or a flashlight.
Shhh! Hi, hi! Hi, dorothy.
Happy valentine's day! Happy v-- Oh, what's that? Don't worry.
It's nothing romantic.
You left your knives in the truck.
Oh, what good timing.
Well, i guess i'll be going.
Okay.
Unless-- You'd like to come in for a minute.
What? I just said, unless you'd like to come in for a minute.
What do you want moved? Nothing, nothing.
I just thought you might want to come in for a minute.
Okay, but i don't have a stopwatch, You'll have to tell me when my minute is up.
Don't worry about it.
What's this? I don't remember bringing that one in.
Oh, that.
That's an old fur; A ratty old fur.
I'll probably leave it for goodwill.
Look, i just want to say something, okay? Shoot.
I'm sorry that i've been a little-- Distant.
Abrasive.
Distant, i meant distant.
Abrasive, no.
You're right.
I was abrasive.
I'm having trouble letting go, you understand? My husband was my whole life.
I'm beginning to realize, It's getting to be the time Where i should turn the page.
I'm a pretty good page turner If you ever need any help.
I just don't know where to start.
Well, we could eat.
All i have unpacked is soy sauce.
Great! I'll get the glasses.
Or we could go to a restaurant.
That's good.
We could do that.
Listen, i really don't have much use for this anymore.
Would you like me to sell it for you? No, i was hoping You'd play it for me sometime.
I'd love to.
Good-Bye, and thanks.
Superstition.
I always say good-Bye to an empty room.
It's good luck.
That's great, mom.
Congratulations.
Okay, i will.
We'll see you soon.
Bye, bye.
Guess what? Mom went out with whizzer.
No kidding? He took her to the club lucerne.
Now, they're out bowling.
That's terrific.
I wonder what made her change her mind? Alf.
Alf? I don't get it, either.
All she said was, "tell alf, thanks.
" You know, i haven't seen him around all night, have you? He's probably in the garage Trying to contact brian's goldfish.
[ Doorbell rings ] Jack rabbit courier.
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