ALF s01e14 Episode Script

A Little Bit of Soap

Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door? To keep the sign from falling.
Don't you know anything about gravity? Give me the hammer.
Thanks for offering, but the job's already done.
Morning.
Morning, dad.
Have you practiced the poem? Yes, but-- But nothing.
Let's hear it.
Good-Bye, grandma.
Good-Bye, good-Bye, good-Bye.
Good-Bye, grandma.
Good-Bye, good-Bye, good-Bye.
Hmmm.
Maybe another "good-Bye" in there.
Alf, what's the stuff in this bag? I prepared a little flight kit.
Nothing special.
Just a few travel necessities.
I emphasize the word "travel.
" Magazines, kleenex Breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.
If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.
How very thoughtful.
And, of course, the bag will come in handy In case of turbulence.
Or if they show "howard the duck.
" Guess what? I'm not leaving.
Why not? Alf, don't be rude! Why not, dorothy? I could just kill estelle.
She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter.
Where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, i hate doing this, But i'm going to have to stay here a little while longer.
You know, there's a nice motel down the street.
Just a thought.
** [ Soap opera on t.
V.
] Margo says she doesn't know who's been Sabotaging the oil rigs.
She thinks it might be jeremy, Because of the fake bracelet incident with nina on devil's island.
[ Vacuum sound ] Don't forget, gomez had a motive, too.
[ Vacuum sound ] What are you watching? Right now, your rear end.
Hey, what do you think you're doing? Turning on a good soap opera.
"One world to hope for.
" That's not a soap opera, that's a sleeping pill.
Quiet.
I want to see what's happening.
I'll tell you what's happening.
The same thing that was happening a year ago.
This show needs a plot transplant.
Shhh! Butch, i really want you to know How proud we are of what you did in that farmhouse.
But, mom, that was almost a year ago.
Boring! Give me that back.
What do you see in this thing? I see love, compassion, warmth, Concern for humanity.
Incidentally, when are you leaving? Soon.
I'm leaving soon.
You were supposed to leave last week.
You can see my bags are packed, ready to go.
I'm leaving when i'm leaving.
Well, i'm glad we narrowed it down.
No wonder you can't appreciate "one world to hope for.
" You see, the people on this show care about each other.
That's because they share a common bond: Bad scripts! Lucky could write better than that.
I could write better than that.
Write? When would you find time? If you're not stuffing your snout, you're watching t.
V.
Alf! What? You know what! I want to see the x-Rays! No! Arguing about the t.
V.
Again? Well, kate, you know how much i love "one world to hope for.
" The orange bath mat here won't let me watch.
Orange bath mat? Listen here, you bronx giraffe! My mother is a guest in this house.
I want you to treat her like one.
Well, thank you, kate.
Guest? Isn't there a statute of limitations on that word? Alf.
Kate, the woman doesn't respond to subtle hints.
Alf, my mother is welcome to stay here as long as she wants.
However long that may be.
As a matter of fact, mom, Why don't i put your suitcases in the closet? Oh, sure, honey, if you feel they're in the way.
Dust off the cobwebs first.
[ Vacuum sound ] Do you feel like going out? Yeah.
Let's party.
Gee, i wish you wouldn't let her get to you.
You know where she is right now? At the market, buying a decent tile cleaner.
Decent tile cleaner-- She'll be gone in a couple of weeks.
First, she said a few more days, Then, another week.
Now, it's 2 more weeks.
She didn't know estelle would sprain her ankle.
What is a woman estelle's age doing on a skateboard? And why does mother have to wait for her? She's a grown woman.
She can fly by herself.
She's a grown woman-- You better put that bag down.
You'll cut off your oxygen.
That's what i'm trying to do.
Excellent response.
What are you writing down over there, anyway? Who, me? No, the man-In-The-Moon.
Oh, fred.
I don't know.
He never writes, he never calls.
Hurry up! The show's about to start.
I can't believe you're forcing me To watch "one world to hope for.
" Well, this is a very special episode.
Sit here, dottie-Kins.
Best seat in the house.
Yesterday, the fireplace was the best seat in the house.
That was yesterday.
Look! There's alf's name.
"Written by alf shumway"? You wrote a t.
V.
Script? Yes, i wrote it.
All you have to do is write a script, And they'll air it? You have to send it in first.
Oh, it's starting.
It's your mother, isn't it? Yes.
She's been here forever.
What is she talking about? That character doesn't have a mother.
She's driving me crazy.
Do you know where she is right now? At the market, Buying a decent tile cleaner.
Put the bag down, monica.
You'll cut off your oxygen.
That's what i'm trying to do.
I have to stir the cheese.
Sit still, kate! The cheese can wait.
She's here.
My mother's here, Back with the tile cleaner.
Hello, mother.
Hello, dorothy.
Her name is dorothy? Yeah, but that's not the right tile cleaner.
Ohhh! Why are you staring at me like that? Do you want to ask me something? Well, actually, i do.
So, go on.
Ask me.
When are you gonna leave, already? Leave? You want me to leave? No, i want the man-In-The-Moon to leave.
Yes, i want you to leave.
I want you to go home, And live with your friend, crazy miriam.
Mom, wait.
It worked for me.
How can i write dialogue if nobody's going to talk? Come on, people.
I've got a deadline.
You've got a poison pen, is what you've got.
Turning our private conversations Into a public spectacle.
How insensitive can you get? Would you mind if i taped this? There will be no tape recording, and no writing! Kate, that's dangerously close to censorship.
You are dangerously close to being evicted.
Point made.
Look, i realize what i did was wrong.
But i'm gonna make it up to you in this new script.
Well, i'm glad somebody cares about my feelings.
Oh, mom.
I care about your feelings.
I'm sorry that i hurt you.
It's okay.
Maybe i should leave.
I'll call estelle.
I'll go home today.
I thought estelle had a sprained leg? Uh It wasn't her leg.
It was her ankle.
And i made it up.
What? I made it up.
I made up the story about her ankle, because I didn't want you to know that i couldn't stand my best friend.
I mean, she was impossible to live with, so i left.
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me That you moved out of estelle's house? Yes.
Well, you can't stay here.
How would you like to become a sweater? Have dorothy burst into flames-- Mom, why didn't you tell me about you and estelle before? Well, you would just feel sorry for me, And you'd ask me to stay.
Good, good, work it out.
I don't have to feel sorry for you To ask you to stay in my house.
Are you asking me to stay? [ Phone rings ] I'll get the phone.
Then leave it off the hook, will ya? We're on a roll.
Hello.
Who? Oh, yes, yes.
It's for you.
The head writer on "one world to hope for" Wants to know where the script is.
Says they're shooting it tomorrow.
Oh, good.
And i don't have squat.
Hello, trish, doll.
I know i said i'd have it in your hands today, But i had to make a few changes.
It's a much better script now.
I thought you didn't have squat.
Here's the new ending i decided to go with.
We need to put more warmth and likability into these characters.
Owww! Alf, are you all right? Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
Why why do you have Those clothespins attached to your head? It's a form of acupressure.
On melmac, we use it to relieve writer's block.
Still having trouble with the script, eh? Read it yourself.
"Scene 1.
Interior living root.
" Interior living root? It's a typo! Give me a break! I've only got 8 fingers.
I'm sorry.
"Monica enters and says, 'good morning.
'" What's wrong with that? There's no one else in the room with her.
I've got the woman talking to chairs! finished by tomorrow.
You ought to try to relax, alf.
Relax.
Sure, relax.
I've got a deadline.
I mean, i promised to put likability And warmth into these characters.
You know, i had a case of writer's block, once.
I was writing a term paper for my art history class-- Or-- Or was it my comparative religion class? Are you dictating your autobiography? I'm trying to help here.
Go back in the house.
I can't.
There are 2 women in there who aren't speaking to each other, Or to me, or to you.
Alf, you've written us into this mess.
Now, you've got to write us out.
All right, all right, i will.
Put on another pot of coffee.
Owww! And get some more clothespins! You're all going to love this episode, i promise.
This script is so full of love, compassion, And understanding, that you'll throw up.
That good? Oh, hi.
Sorry i'm late.
Did i miss anything? Just lunch.
There are some blintzes near the stove.
Those were for him? Look, there's the mother.
How about that, huh? They even dressed her nicer.
Good morning.
Mother, does this mean you're speaking to me again? Monica.
You are my daughter, Not some alien from another planet.
I wrote that as a joke.
They left it in.
Mothers and daughters are bound to have Their little quarrels and conflicts.
It's part of this whole wonderful thing we call "life.
" You're right.
It is nauseating.
I think that it's sweet.
I mean, it lets us know that Just because a person says a few unkind things about someone, It doesn't mean that they don't love them.
So, by the same token, I hope you'll be able to forgive me when i tell you What an ungrateful, Self-Centered little tramp you are.
Self-Centered, little tramp? Just who do you think you're talking to, You bossy, loudmouthed freeloader? Tramp? Freeloader? They changed my script! I'm not going to sit here, eat toast, and listen to this! Alf, how could you? I'm telling you, i didn't.
They were hugging and kissing in my script.
I had nothing about toast.
And did you see that centerpiece? Who's doing props over there-- Rip taylor? I am sick of having this Entire visit shoved in my face.
Where are the famous suitcases? Mom, i don't want you to go.
Well, once again, You've brought harmony to our household.
That's not what i wrote.
Here, here.
This is what i wrote.
Read it.
There's not one word of violence in there.
I'm going to pack the rest of my things.
Come back here! You're not going anywhere.
I mean, not until you read the scene i really wrote.
You could at least give me that.
Just give me one good reason why i should.
Okay.
I'll give you one reason: Kate.
Now, come on.
Turn to page 18.
Let's all read it out loud.
Kate, you be monica.
Dorothy, why don't you be dorothy.
"It's not that i don't want you to live here, "It's just that i'm a married woman.
"I have a life of my own, you know?" This is so silly.
Come on, just read it! "You're right.
It was wrong of me to impose.
"But, you know, i just couldn't help it.
"I tried, but you know, i couldn't.
" Doesn't the father have any lines? Willie, sometimes less is more.
Monica? "You feel a little lost since dad died, don't you? "It's not easy living alone.
"That's why i moved in with miriam, crazy as she is.
"It was someone to talk to, you know? Miriam asked you to move out, didn't she?" Yes.
Estelle asked you to move out? That's why your mom came here.
She didn't want to be alone again.
How did you know? Writer's intuition.
I also called estelle.
By the way, you're right.
She is crazy.
Estelle told me that i was bossy and meddlesome, And she couldn't stand another day living with me.
I don't care what estelle said.
You're my mother, and i love you.
I don't know what to say.
Right there, middle of the page! What? The script.
Oh.
"You know what, monica? "My best friend didn't kick me out.
"My best friend Is right here.
" Oh, mom.
No, no, no! First, you open the champagne.
Then you hug.
Aw, nobody reads stage directions.
But she's a baby.
Dating? I know-- [ Kate ] hi, honey! Oh, hi, guys.
[ Dorothy ] willie.
Honey, are you all right? Yeah, yeah.
Say, dorothy, Are you sure you don't want these in the attic? No, willie.
Listen, i plan to find A place of my own as soon as possible.
You're more than welcome to stay as long as you like.
I know that, kids, but alf is right.
I've got to try-- Wait.
How'd he phrase that? "I've got to start to make a life of my own.
" Alf told you that? Not exactly.
It's in his new script.
New script? Alf, would you come here? We'd like to talk to you for a minute.
Make it quick, kate.
Things have just started to flow again.
I thought you gave up script writing.
You were so upset with the rewrites, You weren't going to write another script.
- I wasn't.
- What happened? The check came! Closed-Captioned by by alien productions all rights reserved.