ALF s01e11 Episode Script

On the Road Again

Yo, kate.
Where are your casserole dishes? Why? The cat won't fit in the toaster.
Never mind.
I'll make a peanut butter sandwich.
Where's the blender? Try it without the blender.
Don't get hair in the peanut butter.
Rules, rules, rules.
That's the answer san diego.
What was the question? Where shall we go on vacation? I say san diego.
But, what about alf? We don't have to check with alf.
That's where we're going.
It's really got something for everyone.
I'm sorry Did you say i should get hair in the peanut butter, Or i shouldn't? Just toss it out.
The hair or the peanut butter? Both! No problem! Why don't i believe that? Oh my gosha shakespeare festival.
Willie, there's hair in our peanut butter.
Love boat's bernie koppel is playing hamlet.
What are we going to do about Grease fire! Alf! Oh, no! [ Alf ] never mind the curtains, put me out! ** Thank you for this food, you've set before us, And once again, thank you for sparing our kitchen.
Amen, to that! Let's eat! There's hair in this tuna fish.
I like it! How come i didn't get any hair? We ran out.
Which is exactly what i'm going to do.
May i be excused? No, stay.
That's the end of the hair talk.
I want to talk about our vacation.
Why's that the end of the hair talk? Because, that's the end! We've changed the subject to our vacation.
I thought we decided san diego.
It has something for everyone.
Your mother and i Kate and i, Have talked, and we decided That we should stay here.
At the table? No, but in or around the house.
Around the house? We can go outside Do we get to cross the street? We just thought, Instead of going far away, It would be more fun to stay home, Where things are not so different And, do The things we do every day.
I think you sold them, dear.
No sale, here.
It bites wind.
Alf! That's not hair talk! Let's get back to the vacation.
We should talk.
How come we're not going? Did you lose your money? Been playing the ponies? The truth is, You're the reason we're staying home.
Moi? Oui, monsieur.
Porquois? Because you're an alien.
We're dropping the french? Yes! No problemo.
Why can't we take alf to san diego? The minute we check in, Someone will call the police Or the national inquirer.
We can't leave you home alone.
You proved that today.
You mean this kitchen thing? You did start that fire.
Then, you watched tv, While kate and i put it out.
It wasn't a 3-Man job.
The point is, We have to spend this vacation at home.
I-I feel terrible.
I ruined your stove Now, i'm ruining your vacation.
I'm worthless.
I'm garbage.
I'm canal water.
I bite wind.
Alf! You haven't ruined anything.
Except, our stove.
And our vacation.
I can't live with that.
You're going on vacation without me.
How? Pen me in, where i won't cause damage.
Chain me to a tree.
Put me in a kennel.
We're not going without you.
I agree.
There's gotta be a place we can go.
If we went deep into the woods, nobody would see alf.
Out of the mouths of babes We could rent a motor home and camp.
Great! Let's give it a shot! The kennel idea is dead? Mom! Fine, we'll go.
We need pork and beans, Uh, wolf repellant * two bottles of beer on the wall * * two bottles of beer * * if one of those bottles should happen to fall * * one bottle of beer on the wall * * one bottle of beer on the wall * * one bottle of beer * * if one of those bottles should happen to fall * * no more bottles of beer on the wall ** One more time! * a thousand bottles of beer on the wall * * a thousand bottles of beer * Sing, mom! I don't know the words.
Keep your eyes open for a clean gas station.
I need to make a pit stop.
Again? It's all this singing about beer.
Lynn, want to spit out the window with me? Maybe later.
I'll spot you No thanks.
I'm going to write my boyfriend.
How about you, kate? I don't know how to spit.
It's easy No! Ulp.
All right! Don't get your shorts in a knot! I'll just moon some state troopers.
Make way! No mooning! Boy, you call this a vacation! Hey chief, let me take over.
You don't know how to drive.
I drove through the cosmos.
You crashed into our garage.
See any garages? Come on! No!No! [ Screaming ] [ Horn honking ] Is it just me, or are the walls closing in? I think the rain will stop.
You've been saying that since wedocked.
Let's make the best of it.
How about chinese checkers? I'm tired of that.
We're tired of chinese checkers.
How about scrabble? Alf ate all the vowels.
I was bored! When i'm bored, i eat vowels.
There's charades.
I don't like charades.
I feel like everyone is watching me.
What do you want to do? It's your call.
You dragged us here! You guys are a bunch of negative nellies.
We're trying to make the best of it, And find something we can do together.
May i suggest san diego? No, you may not! Things haven't worked out as planned, But when you have a lemon, you make lemonade.
What are you talking about? There's more than one way to skin a cat.
You've been reading my recipe book.
Let's do something.
We're going on a hike! Oh boy!That sounds in the rain!Like fun! That's the spirit! Who cares if we get wet.
That's easy for you, you're not 98% hair.
We can sit and complain, Or we can enjoy ourselves.
I'm going to sit and complain.
See you later.
[ Thunder booms ] Welcome back.
Chutes and ladders anyone? I'll set up the bar-B-Que.
You're not going out? I'll cook under the awning.
Need some help bobbing for firewood? One more word, and you're not eating.
Right, let the alien starve! I think the alien could skip a meal.
It might be a new experience! How would you like your hamburger? Medium-Rare.
Hold the lightning! How would you like to be 50% hair? You're a different person on vacation.
I'm trying to make this fun! By drowning us? By keeping a positive attitude! You could do that, Instead of complaining! Please! Not everyone enjoys a rain forest.
We're here because of you! - I vote we go home.
- No vote! Call the newspapers, democracy is dead! If you want to go home, go! Dad! There's the door! I'll go! Fine, go! Fine, i'm going.
Alf, don't.
Sorry, i have my pride.
Alf come on! I'm out of here.
I'm history! I'm going to die.
[ Thunder booms ] Shoot Another chute! It isn't my day.
It's not alf's, either.
We want alf back.
Don't try to make me feel guilty about Sending him to die? asking him to leave.
Anyone would have.
Not me.
Not me.
Not me.
Where's the wolf repellent? Oh, honey! Yea, dad! Remember, it doesn't work on bears.
I want you to be very careful.
Give me a kiss.
I love you, daddy.
So long.
Hello? Anybody home? I'm coming in.
I'm in.
I'm looking through your cabinets.
[ Sniffing ] Yikes! Oh, oreos.
My kind of people.
Look here, you left the door open.
You really are an idiot.
I had that rabbit right in my sights, Then you scare him away, With that sound you were making.
It was a rabbit call.
Rabbits don't have a call.
How do they get each others attention? Don't talk to me.
Rabbits have a call; look it up.
Would you look at this.
You're always leaving the cookies out.
We'll get ants! I didn't do that.
Who did? Maybe some animal got in here.
Right, some animal partial to oreos! [ Alf groans ] What was that? A burglar.
A dead burglar.
Cover me.
It is an animal.
It's an ugly little sucker! I think it's a dog.
That's no dog! One of those expensive dogs.
I think cher has one.
That's one of those weird animals from australia.
Then, how did it get here? Don't you know anything? The continents used to be connected That's the stupidest thing you've said.
Look it up! I know what that is.
It's an anteater.
You sure? It's against the law to shoot them.
You can shoot anteaters! [ Spits ] Whatever he is I'm going to butcher him.
[ Gasp ] Why do you always get to do it? Because you usually mutilate all the good meat.
I'll get the chain saw; you make the salad.
That guy orders me around too much.
Yeah, you're getting the short end of the stick.
I hear you.
I do hear you! You're talking! A talking anteater.
You should get even with that guy.
May i suggest a murder-Suicide.
You're really talking! Let's get past that.
I never ate anything that talked.
Well, my cousin's cockatoo [ Chain saw sputters and dies ] Alf? Alf? Hey, earth to yokel Focus in here.
I'm not an anteater.
I'm a magical creature of the forest.
Hey, artie! This anteater talks.
What? Don't listen; he's tricky.
I think he's from the city.
We've got to get you a woman.
[ Knocking ] Who could that be? Maybe a talking rabbit.
Hello, i'm sorry to bother you.
Have you seen anything unusual? I know that's a general question, But if you've seen it, You'll know what i mean.
If you haven't, There's no point in an explanation.
Who's this? Some guy with a run-On sentence.
Alf! Oh, alf! Thank goodness! We were so worried.
I'm sorry.
Did you get lost? I don't expect him to answer.
I do.
Thank you for finding our Anteater.
Come on, alf.
Come on, we've got to go.
Wait just a minute! How do we know he's yours? By the way he's hugging my leg.
So what? I had a dog who did that to everybody.
I don't know what kind of proof you want, But alf belongs to me.
Possession is That's right.
He's half ours.
Look, he's coming with me.
That's that.
Did i mention the $50 reward for finding alf? $50 each? No, $25 apiece.
Oh, well Shut up! That's $50 apiece! $100 is ridiculous.
[ Motor turning over ] Ridiculous of me to say no! All right, nice doing business.
I'll hold your $25.
Alf Alf, i think we'd make better time, If you'd let go of my leg.
Just a little longer.
I've been through a traumatic experience.
Did i tell you how much i appreciate you saving me? Yes you did, alf.
Did i tell you that i think You're a credit to the human race? Over and over.
Did i tell you i think you got us lost? We're not lost.
I think we've been walking in circles.
That's because you've been holding my leg.
Anyway, we're lost.
We're not lost.
We're going the right way.
No, i'm pretty sure we should be going that way.
That is the way back to the camper.
No, that's the way back to the camper.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
All right, let's compromise.
Let's go that way.
No! That's where those guys live.
You got it! I'm going to return you, And get my $100 back.
You're absolutely right.
That is the way back to the camper.
Whatever you say.
All aboard! There's more rain, lucky.
Rain, again.
Rain from another angle.
I took that one.
Hang on, we're getting to the good part.
We've seen these dozens of times.
But i haven't shown them to the luckmeister.
[ Meow ] Here i am after willie rescued me, From "the cabin that dripped blood.
" Here i am kissing the motor home floor.
Here i'm kissing willie.
I got more response kissing the floor! Ha!Only kidding! You saved my life.
Stand up and take a bow.
He's modest.
I love that.
Here i am lighting the bar-B-Que.
There's the motor home in flames.
Here we are on the bus.
I'm in the duffel bag.
Here i am chained to a tree, Before the family left for san diego.
No hard feelings.