ALF s01e08 Episode Script

Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?

Well, what it quarels down to is, we got to take a closer look at our bils.
What's going on in here? We're having a family meeting.
Oh, I get it.
Freeze out the alien.
I guess I'm not part of the family.
Alf, we thought you were watching "The three stooges.
" I turned it off.
Somehow I just can't buy Shep as a surgeon.
- Curley was a senator once.
- True.
And Mo was speaker of the house.
Could we put it off with the stooge talk here for a minute.
We'd like to get back to our meeting.
Oh yeah, the meeting I wasn't invited to.
It's it's about our family budget.
What'd you think I was gona do? Dominate the conversation? - Be abnousents? - No, Alf, nobody ever sugested Grow up a lot of pointless sugestions? - Interupt everybody? - We never said - Never let anybody get a word in - Alf! You can come to the meeting.
No thanks.
Let's just take a look at our electric bill for example, It's three times of what it used to be.
Maybe it's the porch light you leave on every time I go out.
Porch light stays.
And we've been keeping the termostate down to 70.
And turn off the dryer, as soon as I wake up.
Well, we're just going the dryer? What do you meen "Turn off the dryer?" Why would you even turn it on? To keep me company at night.
Why? Is 8 hours too long? Yes.
What if I just leave it on "Delicate.
" Leave it off.
Now, let's get back to the rest of our money problems.
No chance of you getting a better job, I supose? I like my job.
The money's fine.
Who made this call to Munich Munich, Germany? Munich? That has to be a mistake.
No, it's not.
You called Munich.
Why? Remember the vacuum-cleaner I broke? Yeah.
Well, the repair place said that they couldn't get the chicken salad out of impaler blades, and they had to send it to the Germany, for an overall.
That doesn't explain why you called Germany.
Hay, I believe in following things through.
Let's move on to another problem.
I'm gona get some cookies.
I don't think that all of us are aware, how much food costs.
We're all out of Macaroons.
All we got are Chocolate Chips.
Let alone how much food is being consumed, for that meter.
Is something wrong? You eat all our food.
I'm begining to realise what this is all about.
Tha finger are being pointed in the direction of fury visitor.
You all think I'm a parasite.
No one thinks you're a parasite.
All right.
A freeloader.
Freeloader is closer.
- What about a sponger.
- Where did you ever hear that word.
That's what you called him last week.
Oh, I see.
Let's just settle on parasite and move on.
If you want me, I'll be in my room.
Not wasting money.
"I just checked into the Parazite hotel.
" "They ain't got no portir, or a bell.
" "I checked into the Parazite hotel.
" -Alf? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I playing too loud.
I didn't know you could play the piano.
Well, I was winging it.
It's tought to play without the red keys.
You seem kind of down.
Maybe I'm just being overly sesitive about being called a freeloader.
Sponger, and parasite.
Oh, Alf.
We don't meen to call you any of those things.
You you just hapend to catch us in a moment of Honesty.
It's just a metter of making a few adjustments.
You know No need to lay it out Katesky.
I hear you loud and clear.
I've got to get a job.
- A job? - That's right.
It's nose to the grindstone time for this parasite.
What could you even do? Well on Melmac i owned and operated my own "Flamdealership.
" - Flamdealership? - Ever drive one? The Flam-turbo was a classic.
There must be some other options.
Well, there was a sunroof, but it was best to keep it closed.
You don't need to get a job.
Listen If you realy wanna contribute, we'll give you a few chores to do around the house.
How would that be? You meen fluffing up pillows? Stuff like that? Well no, but you could help fold loudry, load the dish washer, No.
Not that.
We'll think of something.
Don't worry about it.
Fine for the beaver, but not ecsactly a tycoon teritory.
Ah, I gotta find a way to earn money now.
But how? Looking for a way to earn money now? Call this toll free number.
Oportunity knocks.
Hello, yeah when do I start? Ha? Oh, oh, Alf, my name is Alf.
Have I earned any money yet? What do you meen I have to sell something first? All right, fine.
Send it here and I sell it.
It's a baegge house, you can't miss.
Yeah, great.
Oh, oh, wait a minute, before I forget.
One more question.
What am I gona be selling? Alf, what are you doing with cosmetics? Ha? Oh, didn't I tell you? I got a job.
I'm a "Terry Faith" girl.
I thought you were the alien.
Why can't I have the best of both worlds? But Alf, how can you sell Terry Faith cosmethics Lynn, honey, I know exactly what are you gona say.
I can't do the public number, right? Ha, we'll just send that worry packing.
I make it all happend over the phone.
But don't you have to know something about make up before you can sell it? That's the great thing about this company.
They welcome ignorence.
Have you ever had a Terry Faith facial? I can't say that I have.
You don't know anything about this stuff.
Honey, honey, that's why we have this book.
The wonderfull world of Terry Faith's cosmetics.
Let's check it out here.
Here we go Terry Faith, was born outside Dayton, Ohio, and abandone her road, near the turn of the century.
What does it says about how to get a facial.
Don't you wanna hear about the early years.
- I do.
- I don't.
- Let's skip to the facial part.
- All right, okay.
Here we go.
Chapter 1: The facial part.
Here, hold this.
Let's see here This must be the stuff.
Come on, Lynn, get down here.
Let's give it a shot.
It sais apply liberaly on a customer's face and neck.
What do you think? - Just a little bit.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
Yeah, it's going on realy smoth.
- Just a little bit.
- It sais apply liberaly.
Then apply liberaly.
All right, that's what I'm doing.
All right.
Here we go.
I'm applying it.
Now now for cheak color I think Terri sugests something like a Evening Lobster.
- Can I see in mirror? - Not yet, not yet.
Now I want you to suck in those cheacks real tight.
Like this.
Super, let's do this.
Here we go.
Oh, oh yeah It's to quiet.
- For the reading? - For the house.
Where is Alf? Oh, I don't know.
He's could be resting.
He could be reading.
He could be carrying our towels through the dent.
Excuse me, Alf.
Why are you carrying our towels throgh the dent? Aren't we a curious George tonight.
We'd like an answer to that question.
It's for you.
Someone named Ginger.
Oh-ho, here, hold this, hold this.
Haya Ging.
Yeah, what's cooking? How's Oscars hernia? Oh good, that's good news.
Oh Ging, I couldn't agree more.
Yeah, those hunting sashes are going to be very hot.
Yeah, send me a ton of those.
A hunting sashes? Newcomer of the month? Moi? Well, I don't know what to say.
I'm flored.
I'm a gog.
I'm absolutely silly.
Ok, look, gotta run hun'.
Love to Bridgette and Peg.
Bye bye.
Let's just start at the begining.
Who's Ginger? And why are you talking to her about hunting sashes, and, if you pardon my ignorence, what are hunting sashes? All right.
I was gona tell you anyway.
I have a job.
- A what? - A job.
I'm in a rougge slinging gang.
What? That's a trade linguer for beauty rap.
What!? I'm selling cosmetics.
Alf, I thought we decided against your getting a job.
This isn't a job.
It's a glittering fast past carierre.
If I play my cards right, I could bring home twice what this civil servant here does.
The civil servant doesn't need you to sell cosmetics, the civil servant is doing just fine, thank you very much.
Mom where are all the tow Oh, the towels are here.
Alf was just about to tell us why.
Well maybe he needed some storage space Oh, you can drop the cover Lynn.
I've blow the lit of the operation "Make up.
" Lynn, you meen you knew about this and you didn't tell us? Well Alf ask me not to say anything untill he made enough money to bail out the civil servant Yeah, I meen I finaly feel like a productive member of society.
I'm pulling my weight Willy.
By selling cosmetics? Yeah dad.
He's realy excited about working.
Let's give him a chance.
Yeah, yeah, wait 'till you check out these goods.
I'll be right back.
You know Willie honey, it's kind off nice that he wants to help us out.
Well I guess we should be supportive.
For a while.
And if he does manage to show of proffit, not that we need it.
All right, here we go.
Sit down Katedid.
Let's try to reverse the ravidges of time.
Hay, come on, don't fight ir Kate.
It happends to everyone, all right? Willie, do I look old? Kate, honey.
listen to me all right.
And I mean this.
It's not that you look old, It's just that a woman.
of sutch radiant beauty, Should let her her lasting lovliness glew with the passage of time.
- Oh brother.
- No, let him talk.
We're all gona be supportive, remember? All right, Alf, maybe maybe i'll buy something.
What do you recomend? Well, I'll say that Our sub-reflecting chin-buffing paste is a must.
- Realy, how much is it.
- 50$ Or 20$.
How much you got? -5$.
- Sold.
You get a realy flair for the business into the thing too.
Hey, I didn't get voted a newcomer of the month for nothing.
How could you be voted a newcomer of the month, when you haven't sold anything yet? Ha! It's not how much you sell, it's how much you buy.
Well exactly how much did you buy? I have to check my day planner.
- William Tanner? - Yes.
I've got a delivery here for you from the Terry Faith company.
Hold it, wait just a minute, I'm not signing snything.
No signature's necessary, this was all payed over the phone.
I'll be back with the rest when I get a bigger truck.
Keep the faith.
Yep, that matches my total.
Alf, how were you able to purchase Plastic.
I put it on your VISA.
Oh, incedently, you're over your limit.
You used my credit card to buy Come on, you'll get it all back.
The mark up on this stuff is outrighteous.
Here look, you're already 5$ ahead.
Alf! Alf! What are you doing when the stuff turns green? Let's see here Dayton Dayton her first marriage puffy eyes return to Dayton oh, here we go when things turn green.
What? You gona leave the kid looking like that? Lynn go help your brother take his make up off.
All right, come on.
You have abused the trust of this family far too long.
You're grounded! No phone, no television, no nothing! Not untill we get this make up mess straighten out.
My carierre realy threatens you, doesn't it Willie? Yes, finacialy.
Life's funny You try and help someone out and bum they turn on you like a wild animal! - If that's a load of your deliveriment - No, that's probably the girls.
- The girls? - I'm sorry.
The women.
- What women? - The customers.
The ones coming to the Terry Faith party.
That's what the towels were for.
It is, it's women.
You are not to entertain customers in this house.
Of course I'm not, you are.
What do you mean we are? I was trying to explain it to you.
See, your role in a Terry Faith's sales family is to play host and hostes to my customers.
If that means selling your make up, forget it! Willie, Willie, this products sell themselfs.
You won't have to do a thing.
Except entertain a house full of strangers.
They'll be wearing name-tags.
Oh, and by the way, don't take any personal checks.
- Willie! - Don't worry, don't worry.
I'm gona put an end to this, right now.
- Ladies - Oh, hi Oh, what a beautifull house.
- Hi, hi.
No I'm not Alf - Oh then you must be his assistent, Willie - Where's Alf? - Alf is at a.
Director's meeting.
Yes, now, ladies, if I can have your atention, please about this products Willie, hun', you don't have to sell us, the products sells themselfs.
I'll have an esspresso.
Oh, gee, that sounds good.
Could you sprinkle a little cimenen on mine and don't bother to heat the struddle.
Esspresso struddle Listen, ladies, I don't know what Alf told you, but this cosmetics.
Oh, never mind, here they are.
Is it okay if we open this stuff.
No, no, it's not a good ide No, no - Oh, is that esspresso coming? - And struddle? I'll see.
Willie, did a muffin free eye salt finaly come in? Kate! Thell the girls to hang on.
The food is on it's way.
What am I doing? We don't even have an esspresso machine.
To bad.
It's kinda standard at this parties.
Look, let them start on these, I'll make some instant.
You're not making anything.
The party is over.
Willie is not doing his card tricks again, is he? Willie, never mind the change.
I'll take this and the aquamolly skin tour, and we'll call it even, okay? What's going on? I don't know, but I think we sold something.
Willie Will you take personal checks? I don't know, should we? Get some ID.
Get some ID.
Willie, I think I bought enough to qualify for the laggage.
What laggage? Well, Alf told me I'll get my choices of either "Soft sided" or "Macnogah High" and like to see them before I make my choice.
I don't know what you're talking about lady.
Alf said you'll try to talk me out of it.
Berdith, forget the laggage, Just buy another 200$ worth and take the tripp to Dayton, you'll love the museum, it's marvelous.
Honey, do you think we're doing the right thing? I don't know, we got no choice.
We're in this up to our necks.
Necks Oh, that reminds me Willie, where is that neck tightner I ordered? Coming, Bunny.
I'll be right back dear.
Cheez-weez? Hay Tanner, the rest of your stuff is here.
Should I back the truck up to the door or what? Well, all the figures are in.
- How much did we make? - Not so fast.
I need a drumroll.
Just tell us.
I'm not telling you untill I get a drumroll.
Give me that.
Well now, we did prety well.
Prety well we made it all back plus a small proffit.
Oh, boy, can we get an air-hockey table.
No, I think we'll just use this money to pay for that phone call in Munich.
You know if we have few more of this parties No.
No more parties.
No more make ups.
No more Terry faith.
Well, I want you all to know how much I appreciate you giving me the chance.
You came through for me, and it all work out, and now, I got something for you.
Lynn, tell them what they won.
You've just won a beautifull set of Makh-nagahigh laggage.
Alf, that is realy, realy sweet.
It looks just like real Naga-high.
And that's only the begining folks.
Because, next week we'll be packing those baggs and leaving for beautifull Dayton where we'll be spending at the beautifull Terryland hotel.
You'll be dancing, and dining in the beautifull eye-shadow lounge and visiting the beautiful Terry Faith museum.
where Terry her self is on display gorgeosly preserved in the revalving crystal casscet.
To preserve the dignity of this monument there will be no flash photography.