ALF s01e23 Episode Script

The Gambler

You're not selling my ship in a bottle? If we're lucky.
But i love that ship.
It's the "ni?.
" Willie, the reason we're having a garage sale Is to get rid of things.
We don't have to be fanatics about it.
Listen, i've been going over the bills.
Someone should take your credit cards away.
Give me those.
Is that a typo? An $11,000 balloon payment? No, it's accurate.
You guys are getting ripped off.
You can get a whole package of balloons for 69 cents.
No, alf.
We took out a mortgage on the house.
Just to buy a balloon? Let's not talk about this now.
We've only got a week to get ready for the garage sale.
You're selling the garage? No! No! That's good, Because we're going to need someplace To store that balloon.
** So you understand what a balloon payment is? Yeah.
And you know what a garage sale is? Yeah.
Good! Now can you explain "secular humanism" again? No.
Hey, you're not selling that, are you? I'm afraid so.
Too bad.
It'd be a great bottle If it weren't for the ship stuck in it.
It's a "ni?.
" Sorry.
On melmac we didn't name our bottles.
It doesn't matter.
We're selling it anyway.
This house payment's hanging over your head, isn't it? No, we're just trying to clear away a little extra space.
Level with me.
You're on the skids, aren't you? No.
Dad, mom wants me to sell muffy-Bear.
And scooter.
No!! We've got to be strong about this.
Not my hockey stick! No! Knock, knock.
Who's there? Hi, kids.
Hi kids who? Hi, grandma.
Stop it.
You're ruining the joke.
Excuse me, kids.
I love you very much, But there's something i gotta watch on tv.
What? A horse race.
[ Horse race announcer .]
Hi, mom.
Oh, good, you brought more stuff for the garage sale.
Shh! Come on, "smooth as butter"! Mom, do you have money on that horse? "And it's 'smooth as butter' by 3 lengths.
" Woo! Woo! Mom, since when do you bet on horses? All my life.
That's funny, i can't picture you at a race track.
I could picture her running.
Ha! Ha! I wonder how long it would take To pull the hair out of your body? About 2 hours.
Mom, how come you never took me to a race track? I never go to a race track.
You meet an unsavory element there.
I bet with a bookie.
Ah! They're not unsavory.
Forgive my ignorance, but what's a "bookie"? An unsavory element.
You mean like oregano? "Nick the fish" is not unsavory.
"Nick the fish?" You bet with a fish? Hi, dorothy.
Hi, willie.
Did you know my mother bets on horses? Yeah.
How much did you win, grandma? That's even better than last week.
Well, that's fine, mom.
But, i mean, what if you had lost? Hey, it's my money.
But it's our inheritance.
For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money To the alien task force.
Sure, punish your grandchildren.
Leave us out of this.
That's her plan.
Come on, mom.
Let's take this stuff-- I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.
I've got fliers to make.
I might as well make myself useful.
Hold on, dorothy.
Can you make a lot of money with this horse racing thing? Only if you win.
No problem.
Put me in for 50 bucks.
Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again? Yes.
But that's not where i got the money.
By the way, you're out of tic-Tacs.
Where did you get the 50 bucks? Rebate coupons.
Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to mr.
Fish-- Mintz.
No, thanks.
I just brushed.
His name is nick mintz, And i'm not going to place any bets for you.
I'm not doing this for me.
No, you're raising money for charity.
Oh, excellent comeback, dorothy.
If you must know, it's for a balloon payment, Which, by the way, has nothing to do with a balloon.
I don't care what it has to do with.
I am still not going to place any bets for you.
And it was a dynamite comeback.
Once again, left to my own devices.
Hello? Is this "the fish"? Great.
Listen, you don't know me, But i'm a friend of dorothy halligan's-- Yeah, "big red.
" Listen, if i send you 50 bucks, Can you turn that into $11,000? No problem.
I've got 'til saturday.
[ Radio announcer .]
"it's 'out of body experience' by a neck, "But here comes 'naughty nina' on the outside.
"Here comes 'naughty nina' and 'out of body experience'.
And it's 'naughty nina' by a nose!" All right! Yeah! Nick? Alf.
Yeah, i was listening.
Not bad, huh? Let's see, that means i won $3 million! Wow! Hey! What? $300.
Well, let it ride.
[ Radio: .]
"it's 'cat killer' by half a length.
" Yeah! I've got the midas touch.
Okay, nick, yeah, let's go fifties on 4 in the 5th, And 7 in the 8th.
Then, at hialeah, what i'd like to do is-- So, that's a c-Note on the double, Then one each on the 2 exactas-- Yeah, a deuce on the quinela, And a half on the perfecta.
And remember, nothing on the pick 6.
I don't want to seem greedy.
Thanks, and my best to the fishwife.
Kate, i think your neighbors, Are having a garage sale today, too.
You're kidding.
The ochmoneks? Yeah.
They got a couple of beat-Up chairs And an old sofa out on their front lawn.
Oh, yeah, that's the way it always looks.
Mom, how come dad's hockey stick is not out there? It should be.
I know i put it out there.
It's right next to the bottle with the "mayflower" in it.
It's not the "mayflower," it's the "ni?.
" Come here, willie, i want you to see this race.
I haven't got time to watch a horse race now, alf.
Not a race, this is the race.
This is the one that's going to make you very happy.
Keep your eye on number 9.
The one that just fell down? Uh, yeah.
That's the one.
He's not getting up.
He will, he will.
Maybe he dropped something.
At least the jockey's okay.
Who cares? Get up! Get up! Thank you, alf.
If you'll excuse me, i have to put these away.
Nick! Alf.
Does that race count? All right, all right.
How much am i up? Oh, well, then how much am i down? Oh! I have to make it back fast.
Put $2,000 on-- What? What do you mean i can't bet anymore? No! There's no reason for you to come over here.
I'll be happy to put a check in the mail.
Hello? Hello? Kate, quick question.
Yeah? Hypothetical situation: An individual places a bet with a professional bookie, For a sizable amount of money.
Let's say, uh, $6,000 And he loses it, And he can't cover his losses.
Hypothetically, What could happen to this individual? Well, hypothetically, He could have his legs broken.
Why do you ask? Just making conversation.
Well, i'm glad we had this talk.
Get up! You think i can get More like a quarter.
Well, it's a start.
Alf, these are your favorite things.
What do you want to sell them for? I want to do my part for the garage sale.
Help the family out of their financial troubles By 5 o'clock.
Alf, we don't have any financial troubles.
We do now.
What? Nothing.
Kate, we haven't sold one thing.
Well, it's only been an hour.
Maybe we should've served food.
Mom, this is a garage sale, not a luau.
Kate, nobody's buying anything.
I know that! It's just an observation.
I'll see if we have anything in the refrigerator.
Excuse me, I have a question about the price on this lamp.
It's negotiable.
Well, i hope so.
$1,000 is ridiculous.
$1,000? There must be some mistake.
This looks like the handwriting of a 2-Year old.
Or someone much, much older.
Pardon me, but you can't really be charging $2,500 for this coffee pot.
You can buy for that price.
We are willing to come down.
I'll give you 5 bucks.
You expect us to come down from $2,500 to $5? Let's look next door.
I saw a nice sofa on the lawn.
Kate, are you out of your mind? $3,400 for steak knives? I think this could explain why the sales have been slow.
Mom, could you check the rest of the prices While willie and i go in the house and investigate.
Excuse me, ma'am, Do you have any more of these $800 screwdrivers? Alf! Alf! Alf! Where is he? Down here! [ Willie .]
what are you doing down there? Shaking.
Come on out.
We know what you did.
You do? Just tell us why you did it.
I was trying to make a little money.
Where did you get such a crazy idea? From your mother.
It was her bookie.
Bookie? What bookie? [ Doorbell rings .]
That bookie.
What does a bookie have to do with our garage sale? Kate, do i have to fill in all the blanks? Just stay here.
We'll talk about this later.
No! No, don't answer it! Let go, alf.
No! Get off! My life isn't worth a plugged nickel.
Willie, what is going on? I have no idea.
Maybe your mother's bookie will know.
Alf tanner? Nicky mintz.
Kate, this is mr.
Call me nick.
"The fish.
" Whatever makes you comfortable.
Alf, you sound different in person.
You got a cold, too? No, no.
I've been sick for a month.
Been taking everything.
Nothing works.
Have you tried lemon juice and honey? You know, my wife suggested that, But i can't digest citrus.
You can try the honey without the lemon.
Yeah, maybe i'll try that.
So, where's my money? Your money? Come on, alf, just give me the 6 grand, So i can go home and use the vaporizer.
You think i placed a bet with you And now i owe you $6,000! Yeah, that's the general idea! Come on, give me the money.
[ Sneeze .]
bless you.
Thank you.
Mintz, i'm afraid i don't have $6,000.
You'll find it.
Because if you don't find it, Well, let's keep that hypothetical.
[ Shatter .]
[ Sneeze .]
I should take better care of myself.
Willie, where are we going to find $6,000? Maybe somebody will buy the folding chairs.
I, gordon shumway, being of sound mind and body-- I beg to differ.
I re-Tagged everything.
Now, who changed the prices? We have rounded up the usual suspect.
He placed a bet with your bookie And lost When you say it, it sounds so sleazy.
And now the mob is after him! Well, at least some good came out of this.
What are you guys doing in here? Yelling at alf.
Is he in trouble again? Yeah.
What does it involve this time? Food or money? Have i become that predictable? This time, he seems to have incurred A rather large gambling debt.
Yeah, and your grandmother is largely responsible.
What? Me? You introduced me to horse racing, Knowing full well how obsessive/compulsive i am.
I depend on you people to protect me from myself.
I have a response to that.
But it's not an informed response.
Look, i did what i did for good reason: To keep you people out of the poorhouse.
By getting us hopelessly in debt? Good strategy.
How did you expect to make that balloon payment? With this pitiful garage sale of yours? By the way, did the steak knives go? Alf, we put aside the money For the balloon payment a long time ago.
Well, can i borrow 6 grand of it? Will 6,000 be enough? Or shall we advance you for the next time you try to help? Thanks for the sarcasm, willie.
Somewhere out there is a meat hook with my name on it.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Oh, my gosh, he's back! Don't answer it! Mom, is mr.
Mintz a violent man? Yes, but he's fair.
[ Doorbell rings again .]
Let's all slip out the side door.
We don't have a side door.
Why don't we? Just finish your will! You guys, go out in the driveway.
See if anybody is buying anything.
You know, we're a lot alike.
We just can't keep ourselves out of trouble.
Oh, thank god.
Excuse me? No, never mind.
Yes? Hi, harold buck.
I was at your garage sale, And i found something i'd like to buy, But i'm not sure if you're selling it.
Everything out there is for sale.
This thing looked like a spaceship.
Except the spaceship.
Not that it is a spaceship.
It could be anything.
It's perfect for the film we're doing.
Film? Who exactly are you? Oh, forgive me.
I'm a set decorator.
That's nothing to be ashamed of.
I was looking for props for our film "jupiter guys.
" That ship would be perfect for it.
Are you sure you don't want to sell it? Oh, no, we couldn't possibly.
Why not? It has sentimental value.
Would you consider renting it? No! For how long? Willie! No more than a week.
No! No, we couldn't really.
I was willing to pay $4,000.
How about $6,000? Okay, $6,000.
Willie, isn't there someone We should consult about this? [ Alf .]
take the money! It's our business manager.
So, do we have a deal? It's just for one week, right? Right! Deal.
Who can i make the check out to? Mr.
Nick mintz.
Oh, "the fish.
" What are you looking for, alf? Rebate coupons.
And you? My "ni?.
" Good luck, willie.
Good luck, alf.
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