ALF s01e24 Episode Script

Weird Science

Kate, i got home as fast as i could.
What's the emergency? What? I have this message from the office.
It told me to get home as fast as i could.
Why, i didn't leave any message.
You? I didn't say "rush home.
" I told them to ask you to "get home as soon as possible.
" You said it was an emergency.
Yeah! The tv set is broken.
What! It's got audio, but no video.
My guess is, the picture tube is shot.
You got me into a panic to tell me that? Sorry, but i began to panic when i missed "gumby.
" You're going to miss a lot more than "gumby," buster, Because that tv set stays broken.
What? Willie, i'm a shut-In.
Tv is my lifeline.
I just pulled the plug on it.
Apparently, it was a mistake to call you.
We watch too much tv in this house, anyway.
This will be a good chance to talk, to read, To catch up on some chores-- Super.
Welcome to "little house on the prairie.
" ** Yo, lynn! Need some help with the homework? Thanks, but it's american history.
Pre-Civil war? Yep.
Not my area.
Catching up on your reading? Isn't it refreshing, having no tv? Yeah, invigorating.
I assume you have no plans to get it repaired? No immediate plans.
I'll leave it tuned to "oral roberts".
Maybe it'll heal itself.
Dad, i need some help.
I have to make a project for the science carnival.
Is that anything like a science fair? Yeah, only this has clowns.
Well, what's the problem, brian? I don't know what to make.
No problem.
On melmac, i was known as "mr.
" Why can't "mr.
Science" fix his own spaceship, then? Because "mr.
Science" isn't good with tools.
That's why i dropped out of dental school.
You went to dental school? It was the easiest thing i could think of.
We only have What can we make, alf? An electric sandwich caddy.
A machine that brings you your sandwich? No, a sandwich that hands you your golf clubs.
That's a much better idea.
Better than a rain gauge.
How do you know about the rain gauge? Lynn? I'm sorry, dad.
He found it in my closet.
Nifty piece of work, too.
I tried it out last month, And we experienced There's no need for you to insult my rain gauge.
Meteorology is a very fascinating branch of science.
So is taxidermy.
Which brings me to my next suggestion: Let's stuff lucky.
I think i'll work on my science project alone.
Thanks, anyway.
You see what happens when you're a "butt-Inski"? Perhaps, if the tv were working, I wouldn't be a "butt-Inski.
" I doubt that.
Nice try, though.
Mind if i read over your shoulder? Tv is still on the fritz, i see.
Still broken, if that's what you mean.
Here's a petition, Signed by every member of this family.
It states that by hurting me, You're hurting others And ultimately, hurting yourself.
Alf, you signed all these names.
Yes, by proxy.
Alf, i already said you could use The portable tv in the bedroom.
It's too small.
It makes everyone look like danny devito.
For your information, I'm sending the tv back to the factory.
The factory? Why don't you just call a repairman? Because it's still under warranty.
How long is it going to take? Where is the factory? The factory is in-- Libya.
This looks like a job for, eh-Eh-Eh, "Consumer ed.
" "Consumer ed"? The guy on the news Who fights for people being ripped off.
Last week, he helped a woman in oxnard Sue a soup company, After she found a mouse head in her minestrone.
Alf! The company said it was a garbanzo bean-- Alf, please.
It turned out to be a finger.
Excuse me.
What's wrong? "Consumer ed" got the lady a year's supply of minestrone.
Enough! I'll give the guy a call.
Just stay out of this.
Come on, brian.
Show them.
Look at brian's science project.
It's really good.
And i made it without any help.
Hey, nice job.
What is it? Street lights? I thought they called you "mr.
Science"? It's a molecule.
It's the solar system.
It's the solar system.
Whose solar system? Ours.
You forgot the Let me guess: "mickey" and "donald"? Sure, turn it into a travesty.
Their names are "dave" and "alvin.
" Really? No, brian, alf's only kidding.
I'm not kidding.
I almost hit "alvin" on my approach to earth; It's a sharp turn.
Where'd they be on here? Brian, they're not on here.
They're not anywhere.
Alf, tell him the truth.
The truth is, brian, they're right over here.
Dad, can i add "alvin" and "dave"? No, i don't think that's a good idea.
But if you don't add them, You're perpetuating lies! What if galileo had listened When they told him he couldn't sail around the world? Galileo didn't sail around the world.
Oh, like you were there.
Hey, b.
, how was school today? I failed my science project.
You should've added "alvin" and "dave.
" - I did.
- And you still failed? That's why i failed.
I added them because i believed you, - But all my friends laughed at me.
- They did? My teacher won't let my project be in the science carnival.
It's all your fault.
My fault? You lied to me.
There really aren't Yes, there are, brian! Your teacher is the one who needs an education.
Now i'm mad.
I'm mad.
I'm mad.
Hello, information? Get me brian's teacher.
Oh, wait a minute.
Get me the "franklin elementary school.
" I know it's cheaper to use a directory, But i don't have any thumbs! Well, you should be sorry! Where is everybody? They've gone to the movies.
Why didn't you go? I'm fixing the tv.
Now? Yes.
I'm going out a little later, And it's dangerous to leave you alone with nothing to do.
Are you referring to that chemical spill? Chemical spill? What chemical spill? Nothing.
Willie, how about a game of "trivial pursuit"? I promise not to pick any science questions.
No, thanks.
You should leave this for a qualified repairman.
Well, mr.
Smarty-- It's "mr.
" For your information, I've located the problem: There's no power going into the high-Voltage transformer.
Hey, you want power? That would help.
Your call.
[Ka-Woom] Willie, it was an accident.
An accident? An accident! You almost killed me, And you say it was an accident? All right, let's call it a mistake.
[ Doorbell rings ] You want to get that? It's probably "consumer ed.
" You called "consumer ed" after i said not to? You didn't say "not to," You said "stay out of this.
" You should've been more specific.
I hope it is "consumer ed," Because i'm turning you over to him.
Won't that be a great story for the 6:00 news? I think i left the oven on.
Yeah? Mr.
Tanner? Yeah? I'm mrs.
Lyman, brian's principal.
Oh, hi.
Come in, won't you? Please.
Am i interrupting something? No, no.
I'm sorry to drop in on you like this, But your house is on my way home, And i did want to clear up that little misunderstanding Between you and ms.
Larva? Brian's teacher.
Oh, ms.
You called her this afternoon.
No, i'm sorry, i didn't call Ms.
Larva this afternoon.
Is mrs.
Tanner home? No, i'm alone here.
Gee, that's odd.
I heard you yelling at someone, Just before i rang the doorbell.
Oh, that was probably the tv.
I don't mean actually the tv.
I was yelling at the tv because it's broken.
I always yell at the tv when it's broken.
Ha ha! We could talk some other time, Maybe with a social worker.
No! I mean, no.
Please, no.
Come in, won't you? Sit down.
Let's talk.
This is about my phone call, isn't it? Sit, sit.
I remember now.
Of course, i remember.
What did i say? You don't remember? I don't.
Please, forgive me.
My head just exploded.
I mean, the tv exploded and it was on my head.
Well, you threatened to remove brian from school, You questioned the credentials of his teacher And you refused to ask him to remove The 2 extra planets from his project.
The 2 extra planets? Yes.
On one of which you "stopped to use the rest room.
" Could you excuse me, just for a moment? Oh, certainly.
What do you think? I'll get-- I'll get right to the point.
You told brian To add those 2 extra planets to his model? No, i didn't.
He did it on his own.
Didn't you-- I'll admit i was indirectly involved.
It was wrong of you to be involved at all.
But i took care of it.
I called his teacher and set her straight.
So i heard.
Now the principal is here, And it's all because of your ridiculous stories.
Ridiculous? Ha! You're going to feel a little silly When i tell you this, But i called the mount palomar observatory today, And they have no knowledge of the planet "alvin.
" How surprising.
They do, however, know of "dave"; Only they call him "chiron.
" "Chiron"? "Object kowal"? Willie? Snap out of it.
No, alf! In the late '70s An object was spotted in space, Originally called "object kowal".
It was later named "chiron," And the astronomers thought That it could be a tenth planet, Somewhere, just beyond pluto.
Somewhere? I'll show you exactly where.
What's this? "Rand-Mcnally guide to the stars.
" I keep it in my glove compartment.
This is incredible! You have a guide to the galaxy.
Well, it's A few of the stars have exploded.
Now let's see.
"Dave"-- G6.
"Mileage between cities"? Melmac, san francisco-- Oh, here it is: "dave".
Right here.
"Dave"? And there's "alvin.
" What's that little one? "Alvin heights.
" Alf, you weren't making this up.
I owe you an apology.
I'm waiting.
So is mrs.
Say, could i get you anything? No, i'm fine.
Oh, wax lips.
I have 2 questions for you.
Yeah? First, can i have my lips back? Thanks.
And second, are you going to tell her The truth about the planets? I don't think i can.
Why not? Show her the map.
Oh, good idea.
When she asks us Where we got it, then where will we be? All right, all right.
So you can't show her the map.
But just because you don't have any proof, That ends it? I mean, what's with this planet? Here's a chance to open people's minds.
Where are the free thinkers? The dreamers? I don't know; But apparently not in brian's school.
I'm afraid i just have to go out there And tell her this has been a big mistake.
In other words, you're going to lie.
Is everything all right? Yes, i'm sorry To have kept you waiting so long.
Lyman, this whole thing has been A terrible misunderstanding.
I'm so sorry it all happened.
So am i.
We've never had any problems with brian.
This sort of thing upsets ms.
Larva very much.
Lyman, what if we just displayed the project as it is? I'm sure ms.
Larva would be willing To meet you halfway.
If brian removed the extra planets, I'm sure she would let him compete with his classmates, And there'd be no harm done.
Yes, there would be.
I can't ask him to do that.
Then i can't ask my teacher to change her policy.
Oh, sure you could.
All right, i could.
But i won't.
Wait a minute, mrs.
Lyman, you're an educator.
Surely there's room in our system For free thinking? Where would science be If there weren't dreamers? Would the wright brothers have flown? Would galileo have sailed around the world? Galileo? Oh, never mind.
[ Doorbell rings ] Mr.
William tanner? Yes.
"Consumer ed" boganski.
Let's start with a wide shot of the room.
No, wait.
Look at that set.
Wait, wait.
We'll take care of it.
Hello, i'm at the home of mr.
William tanner, Who, in a desperate attempt to fight city hall, Has summoned me, "consumer ed," to his corner.
Stop! Stop! Take it easy.
This will only take a minute.
There was no need to involve The media in this dispute.
Dispute? Ma'am, why don't you Give us your side-- No, please-- There's really nothing to talk about.
Willie, what's going on? Oh, nothing.
They were just leaving.
Is this your family? That's "consumer ed.
" Could we just stop for a minute? You shouldn't have called me If you didn't want to talk about your tv.
This is not about the tv, mr.
Ed, This is about the extra planets.
What extra planets? The 2 his son claims exist beyond pluto.
They do exist.
I mean, who's to say they don't? Is that your son? No! Dad! I mean, yes.
Of course he is.
Sid, get a shot of the kid here.
Are you putting this on tv? No, brian.
This is great human interest stuff.
Please continue, mr.
He has nothing to say.
Yes, i do.
My son, brian, entered a project In a school science carnival.
Is that like a science fair? Well, this has clowns.
But the school wouldn't allow the project To be displayed without-- Without proper credit to The imagination of brian tanner.
Excuse me? I'm brian's principal and i want to say That this is what our science carnival is all about: Free thinking! It is? It is now.
Not to display brian's project Would be close-Minded.
Does this mean i can enter my project? Absolutely.
We encourage open-Mindedness in all of our students.
After all, where would science be today If it weren't for free thinking? For the dreamers! Right, brian? Hurry up, brian's science story is coming on next.
I was just going over the phone bill and i found-- Save it for later, willie.
This is brian's moment.
Do you know someone made a 2-Hour call to libya? That might have been me.
"Consumer ed" set up the call to the factory.
This was a $300 phone call! Hey, i got you a new tv out of it, didn't i? I didn't pay $300 for the first one! Which is exactly why it broke.
Shh! Brian's story is on.
Turn it up.
I'd like to step out of the consumer corner for a minute, And share with you an interesting story I recently stumbled upon.
Look, there's my school! I'm standing in the auditorium Of the franklin elementary school, Where an annual event called a "science carnival" takes place.
[ Horn squeaks ] move it, clown! But what makes this year's event so unusual, Besides the clowns, Is a new category called "the world of ideas," where-- [ Sparks ] Closed-Captioned by Copyrighted by alien productions.
All rights reserved.