ALF s02e15 Episode Script

Can I Get a Witness?

What happened to your football game ? The game was called on account of alf.
First, he sat on the sidelines and spat into his helmet.
Then he said we weren't playing right.
He sent brian on a very complicated pass pattern -- Slant left, button hook, Hop up & down, put on a disguise, Dig a hole, Stay in it until groundhog's day, Then do the hokey pokey and turn myself around.
Yeah, turn yourself around.
That would fake out the other team.
We're going to watch the game on tv.
We'll get a better work out.
Hut-Hut Post pattern,no ! Willie.
Heads up ! [ Crash .]
Did we score ? No, it was intercepted by my dinnerware ! You left the plates in the end zone ! Keep this outside ! Hey, watch it ! You'll break the grass.
** Great meal.
What's for dessert ? You can't have dessert, until all the other food has been served.
All the other food has been served.
That's it ? Why did i work up an appetite playing football ? Who were you playing with ? By himself.
And i won -- In overtime.
You didn't trample my flowers, did you ? Don't worry, i tip-Toed through your tulips.
Let's see your feet.
Feet ! You tip-Toed through my tulips, but demolished my daisies.
But, i high-Tailed it past your hyacinths.
Your turn.
[ Doorbell .]
i'll get it.
I'll get it.
Now, where were we ? If i remember correctly, You were about to give me a foot massage.
Hi, mrs.
I'd like to speak with your mother and father.
Mom, dad ! Is that our football ? It's definitely not mine.
Is something the matter ? Do you know how this got into our yard ? Not exactly.
Brian was playing with it.
He probably kicked it over the fence.
It broke our window.
I'm so sorry.
I'll pay for it.
Our very large picture window.
I'll get your checkbook.
No, just send us the bill.
Fine, but please speak to brian.
Criminal behavior should be nipped in the bud.
Criminal behavior ? Breaking windows today -- Robbing banks tomorrow.
Brian a bank robber ? Al capone was a good boy, until he broke my grandfather's window.
Of course, he pushed my grandfather through it, But the result was the same.
* alf.
* yes ? * come here.
* no problem.
I'm sorry about your flowers.
Please accept these with my apologies.
They smell like feet.
I washed them in desenex.
Where is our football ? Behind your back.
Raquel said it broke her window.
That's ridiculous.
Footballs don't break windows -- People do.
What about aliens ? I broke nothing, i swear.
You broke those plates.
Like that's relevant.
How did this get into their back yard ? Well, i have a theory.
Please share it.
I was standing near the fence.
I kicked the ball.
It went up, But never came back down.
What's your theory ? Isn't it obvious ? Gravity failure.
Explanation #2 -- What did alf do ? Nothing.
Somebody broke the ochmoneks' window, We're trying to figure out who.
It wasn't you, was it ? No.
This is very important He said he didn't do it ! Stop with the If he didn't do it, you're the prime suspect.
Brian dear, this is very important.
Did you break the window ? No ! Who could it have been ? That's it ! No tv for 1 month.
Why, what did i do ? You can't punish me without just cause.
I demand a trial.
Forget the trial.
So you do think i'm guilty.
You're punishing an innocent alien.
My teacher said everyone's innocent until proven guilty.
Okay, alf gets his trial.
I'll be the judge.
No offense, but i prefer a fair trial.
What about mom ? Without hesitation.
I won't be the judge, And there won't be a trial.
I know my rights.
I want my day in court ! If i'm found guilty, i'll take the month with no tv.
Okay, we'll have a trial Tomorrow morning, after breakfast.
What ever you say, your honor.
I respect your judgment.
I'm not just saying that.
Stop kissing up.
I'm not, i'm innocent.
Why should i kiss up ? By the way, i love your hair.
Stop it.
I'm stopped.
You're right.
You're brilliant.
She's brilliant.
No more kissing up.
Not if she doesn't want me to.
I wouldn't kiss up to the judge.
Hear ye, hear ye ! Court is now in session.
The honorable judge mom presiding.
Thank you, that was very good.
Where's alf ? Here he comes -- F.
Lee shumway.
In my best suit.
You're gonna lose more than your suit, When this case is over.
Sorry i'm late.
My client had to visit the bathroom.
Did you have to go now ? Yes, or i would have done something To make the court hold me in contempt.
Can we start now, honey ? Objection ! There can be no justice if i call you "your honor," But the prosecution calls you "honey.
" It doesn't matter.
Perhaps a compromise -- We'll call you "your honey.
" Let me add, your dress is perfect -- Authoritative, yet feminine.
It's ridiculous ! Let the record show that willie hates your dress.
Willie gave me this dress.
Bribing the judge, huh ? Willie, i guess you have an opening statement.
That won't take long.
Alf broke the window.
Great speech, counselor.
I'm a goner, ha ha.
Alf, i presume you have an opening statement.
A brief comment.
Since the dawn of time, The innocent have been unjustly accused.
Adam and eve were evicted from the garden of eden On a trumped-Up charge of eating an apple.
But adam and eve were guilty.
Says who ? Says god.
Moving on -- We come to the case of cain versus abel Is this a trip through recorded history ? The importance of this case demands that Because, if so, We'll have to forget about lunch.
To sum it up, alf didn't break the window.
Let's eat.
We'd better finish the trial, first.
Willie, present your evidence.
The case is simple.
We have here a broken window, And a defendant with a long, long history Of reckless behavior.
Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.
Name 12 more.
To name 12 more -- He set a fire in the camper, Chopped up our christmas tree, Wrecked the toaster, ripped that painting, Dug up the back yard, stole a car, Buried my piano -- That hurt me the most -- He got me arrested, used our credit cards, Excessively and illegally, He short-Circuited the tv, Terrorized the cat, and He blew up the kitchen.
It's not hard to imagine, that such a person Would, could, and did Kick a football through the ochmoneks' window.
Brilliant ! Did i do all that ? I'm afraid so -- We went over the list last night.
Where ? In bed.
Objection ! I'm up all night with law books, While you're in bed with that ambulance chaser.
You are out of order.
I withdraw the slur on my profession.
I'd like to ask the "defendant" A couple of questions -- My "client" has nothing to hide.
As regards this broken window, Do you have an alibi ? No.
By your own admission, you kicked that football into their back yard ? By my own admission, i never heard anything break.
If a window breaks in the woods, And there's no one to hear it, Is it really broken ? If you were in the woods -- Yeah.
Do you still claim that ella fitzgerald broke that window ? That's entirely possible.
It's not possible.
It is ! It's not possible, Because ella fitzgerald was out of town.
I've checked that out.
Do you know where beverly sills was ? I have no further questions.
That's your whole case ? You're a disgrace to the legal profession.
You don't know your habeas from your corpus.
Don't drag this into the gutter.
I call to the stand What's wrong ? You ruined my dramatic pause.
I was about to name a surprise witness.
I call to the stand Lynn tanner.
Me ? Surprise ! How long have you known the defendant ? I've known you I mean the defendant, About a year.
Would you say the defendant has any saintly qualities ? Well, he resembles a saint bernard.
[ Laughs .]
Quiet, shyster ! Do you think that the defendant broke the window ? I guess not.
Thanks, you're out of here.
Next witness i'd like to call -- But let me check something first -- Brian, come here.
Do you think i broke the window ? I don't know.
Well, think about it.
I call brian tanner to the stand.
He gave him a bribe ! Think of it as an early birthday present.
Thanks, alf.
Are there any other witnesses ? Yes, your honor.
I'd like to call myself to the stand.
Oh, brother ! It's all right.
Go ahead.
Thank you.
Did you break the window ? No.
But you don't even know what window we're talking about.
I assume you meant the ochmoneks' window.
Just like we're supposed to assume your innocence ! What are you doing ? I'm just trying to spice up the proceedings.
I don't want to hear any more.
Case dismissed.
I want this case thrown out of court.
Why ? Because i'm losing.
Summaries ? Alf did it.
No, i didn't.
Okay, i'll decide on my verdict.
Take your time.
Assess the evidence before you.
I don't care if it takes days, weeks, months, To reach a verdict.
Just as long as justice is served, And i'm found not guilty.
I'm done.
Already ? Is it a good or bad verdict ? Bad.
Bad for me or bad for him ? Bad for you.
Then, don't tell me what it is.
And please, I'd like you to accept this expensive parting gift.
No, thank you.
As agreed, i sentence you to 30 days with no tv.
All right ! I've changed my mind.
I don't want a trial.
Well, 9 o'clock -- Time for "golden girls.
" So, blanche, who are you going to sleep with tonight? Everybody.
Ha ha ha.
What are you doing ? Watching "golden girls.
" What does it look like ? Say, "hello," sophia.
Not now, i have to go to the bathroom before i lose my seat.
Ha, ha.
Alf You're right.
They do the same jokes every week.
Hit the music, will you ? I'm gonna watch "dance fever.
" [ Music .]
Yeah, go feverettes ! Alf, i think you're losing it.
Then stick me in a state hospital -- One with a big-Screen tv.
I'm sorry.
But you're the one who wanted a trial.
I also thought justice would triumph.
But i was wrong -- I'm being punished for a crime i didn't commit.
You really didn't do it, did you.
You believe me, don't you ? Of course i do.
I wish i had a better lawyer.
Oh, you did fine.
Would you let me represent you ? Without hesitation.
[ Door bell .]
Hi, trevor.
Hi, willie.
What can we do for you ? Actually, i came to see brian.
You came to see me ? About the window -- I'm sorry you got blamed for something i did.
You broke the window ? Yeah.
I found your football in my back yard.
I started to relive my days as a quarterback.
I played for high school.
You must have been very good.
Uh, at sports.
Oh, yeah.
I tried to complete a pass Between the birdbath and the sundial.
But it bounced off the gnome and broke the window.
Why didn't you just tell raquel ? I wanted to protect her image of me.
She still thinks of me as her football hero.
So you told her brian did it ? Oh, no.
I didn't find out 'til this morning that she blamed him.
Well, case dismissed.
What ? Uh Nothing.
I hope i didn't cause too much trouble.
It's over now.
It's sweet that you still care what raquel thinks.
Guess we're just a couple of romantics.
Sometimes i put on my old letter sweater, Raquel wears her cheerleader outfit, and we tap a keg.
Just like the old days.
Raquel was a cheerleader ? Still has the same figure she had in high school.
No kidding.
Of course, she works at it.
I'll see you, willie.
Thanks for clearing all that up.
I had to -- Once i found out raquel wanted you to pay this bill, The least i could do is go halves.
It's on me.
As my last official act as judge, I suggest we apologize to alf.
Yeah, i'd better.
After all, i was the prosecutor.
[ Breaking glass .]
Hear ye, hear ye, court is now in session.
Ha ha, yeah ! Don't be a fool, you're not the father.
Buy a vowel.
What are you doing ? Watching tv's.
Turn 2 of those off.
You're wasting electricity.
Hey, you owe me.
You made me feel like a criminal, You've scarred me for life, And now you want to take away my tv's ? At long last, "will-De-Beast," Have you no sense of decency ? How long are you going to push this guilt trip ? I was thinking 'til after christmas.
Think again.
While you're in there, Check on my 3 tv dinners.
Ha ha ! Oh, yeah ! Captions performed by by alien productions.
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