ALF s02e16 Episode Script

We're So Sorry, Uncle Albert

Hi, i'm home.
Hi, supper's almost ready.
Great.
I'm starved.
What's in the box, willie ? I'm fine, alf.
How are you ? Racked with curiosity, cloaked in conundrum, And carrying a thesaurus.
Now, what's in that box ? Ever hear the expression "curiosity killed the cat" ? Yeah, it's usually followed by "pass the plum sauce.
" Hey, dad, what's in the box ? It's a dead cat.
I'll split it with you.
It's not a dead cat ! But it is something that you and brian will enjoy.
Is it the remains of the elephant man ? It's a tent ! I thought you might enjoy camping out in the back yard.
Why ?The refrigerator and bathroom are in here.
You're going to get to stay in the back yard, In this tent, for a couple days.
Why ? Because my uncle albert is coming for a visit.
Oh, no.
Why is he coming ? He doesn't like it here.
All he does is complain.
Well, it's not like this place is shangri-La.
** We voted "fair and square" -- Uncle albert stays in the tent.
No, you're staying in the tent, alf.
I don't want to sleep out here.
This place is swarming with armored leeches.
Those are snails.
I don't care if they're hunchback slugs, I'm not sleeping out here.
Alf, we always make you stay in the garage.
I thought sleeping in a tent would be a nice change of pace.
Yeah, listen -- Since uncle albert is such a pain, Just tell the guy to "bug off.
" I can't do that.
He's family.
Now you're stuck with an unwanted house guest.
Isn't it strange how that pattern keeps repeating.
Kate's mother is coming, too ? Let's just put up the tent.
Why is it taking so long ? It's taking so long because you keep undoing everything i'm doing.
Would you please hand me A box of wing nuts ? Wing nuts ? I'm afraid i've eaten them.
You ate a box of wing nuts ? I thought it said walnuts.
Don't bother looking for the package marked "tent stakes.
" I think i'd better finish this by myself.
Fine.
I'll be over here if you need me.
I'll keep that in mind in case things go too smoothly.
Hi, guys.
How's it going ? Fine.
Except alf's digested most of the parts.
Willie, what happens if the ball hits the paddle ? I don't think you have to worry about it.
Uncle albert just called.
He's not coming ? He's coming.
He wants to know your shoe size.
Right ! Why bring shoes when he can borrow mine.
What a mooch ! Now, whose shoes am i supposed to wear ? He also wants to know my dress size.
Maybe he wants to buy us gifts ? Gifts, schmifts.
The guy's a pervert.
I guess i'll have to pound some sense into him.
You're not to beat the house guests; Not even uncle albert.
This guy sounds like a real monkey's uncle.
No offense, willie.
You're right.
He's terrible.
It's "hey, it's freezing in here.
Turn up the heat.
" "What's that stink ?Is that you cooking, kate ?" "By the way, i'm staying another week.
" Wow !What a great impression of bette davis.
Willie, i can't stay in that tent.
I'm deathly afraid of the outdoors.
I once got caught in a meteor shower without my umbrella.
Nice try, alf.
Thanks.
I was going to faint, but i think i made my point.
Too bad we didn't buy it.
You didn't ? You fainted on a snail.
Whoa ! Chocolate cake.
Check.
Chocolate ice cream.
Check.
Chocolate pudding.
Check.
Acne pads.
Check.
What are you guys doing ? Alf's teaching me how to be a box boy.
I'm collecting refreshments For my stay under the big top.
Alf, it's only for two days.
That's why i'm not bringing my toothbrush.
We're back with uncle albert ! Why are they yelling ? That's your signal to get into the tent.
I thought they were going deaf.
Well, brian, let's put a smile on for the old fogey.
Slippers.
How thoughtful, And how unexpected.
Uncle albert, this dress is gorgeous.
I picked it out myself.
Would you look at these beautiful children ! Us ? Lynn, you've blossomed into a lovely young lady.
Well, thank you, uncle albert.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Or anyone.
Brian ! You remembered my name.
Of course i did.
Here, give me five.
I don't have $5.
Oh, the tanner wit.
First i've heard of it.
Brian, how would you like an angels cap ? How much ? It's free ! Thanks, uncle albert.
I'm gonna go show The guy in the tent.
The guy in the tent ? Uh He has an imaginary friend.
Oh.
Now Guess where this is from.
You found it on a bus ? It's from gucci's.
Gucci's ? What happened to the army-Navy store ? Not for my lynnie.
Well thanks.
It's my pleasure.
Now, let's all go to dinner.
Oh, i Don't worry.
The tab's on me.
But i'm not paying for brian's invisible friend.
Could you believe the size of that dinner check ? And uncle albert left a 30% tip.
He usually leaves 30 cents.
What will we do with all the leftovers ? [Burp from under bed] They may have been taken care of.
Meatball ? No, thank you.
Did you eat all that food ? Yeah, and for the first time in my life, I actually feel full.
Why aren't you in the tent ? It's too dangerous our there.
I had to kill a 50-Foot water snake with my pocket knife.
There are no 50-Foot water snakes in the back yard.
It was bright green, and it spit water.
Psst.
Psst.
That was my new garden hose.
No wonder it was sucking on the spigot.
[ Uncle albert ] let's go in the kitchen.
I'll make you breakfast.
Kate, why are you washing the dishes ? They're dirty ? Let me do them.
Uncle albert, could i ask you a question ? Shoot.
What's wrong with you ? Wrong ? Why are you acting so nice ? The dinner, the cab rides, The gucci, the slippers, The 30% tip -- All right, all right, i'll tell you.
Sit down.
I have changed.
It all started at the hospital After my heart attack.
We didn't know you had a heart attack.
Who did ? Nobody missed me, So nobody checked on me.
I was flat on my back for a month.
No visitors, no get-Well cards, Not even a phone call.
And i began to realize what a louse i must have been.
I realized i had to mend my ways.
That's why i came.
You're off to a good start.
We hardly remember the old you.
Thanks.
That's what i wanted to hear.
Now go on, before the old me comes back.
Go on.
I've got tuna fish to make.
See you.
I'll be back soon.
You've got me feeling all squishy inside.
Go on.
[ Cartoon noises ] Care for a cookie ? [ Thump ] All right, after your nap.
[ Ringing ] Hello, social services.
Hold, please.
Hey, willie, call for you on line 4.
Sounds like sammy davis, jr.
Hello.
[ Like sammy davis ] man, how'd you like this clever ruse ? [ Willie ] why are you calling me ? You promised to stay in the tent ! But we're out of canned peaches.
You called me for peaches ? No, i also need grape leaves, yellow cellophane, And a tag for the toe.
A tag for what ? [ Alf ] you're not writing this down, are you ? No i'm not.
What's this all about ? It was gonna be a surprise, But uncle albert's dead.
What ? Don't worry.
I've already started the embalming.
That's why i need the peaches.
Wait ! Willie, is it true sammy's going on the road, again ? Alf What is going on here ? We're celebrating.
Uncle albert is gone.
Gone ? He left without saying goodbye ? It was rather sudden.
Kate.
Where are my peaches ? Is it true about uncle albert ? Apparently so.
Talk about the perfect guest -- He came, he was nice, and he left before we got tired of him.
Kate, please.
Hey, come on, man.
Lighten up.
Here, have a hat.
Have you no respect for the dead ? Dead ? Alf, you said uncle albert was gone.
You thought he left ? Oh, my god ! Exactly what happened ? Well, i was in the tent watching tv.
He saw you ? Yeah.
I offered one of kate's cookies, But he keeled over.
Hey, don't take it personally.
Some people just don't have a sweet tooth.
Speaking of which, did you get those canned peaches ? I need to finish basting the deceased.
Hey, let the guy marinate in peace.
Hey ! Are we having a party ? I'm trying to.
This isn't a party.
Sure it is ! It's just like a birthday party, Only someone else has to blow out the candles.
It's true.
Hey, come on.
Don't blame yourself.
If anyone killed uncle albert It was me.
Kate, is this tie too loud for a funeral ? The tie is black.
It's charcoal ! It's fine.
How are you holding up ? Okay, i guess.
It doesn't seem fair that uncle albert had to go now, Just when he was learning how to be a good person.
How's alf ? Not too well.
He still thinks it was his fault.
It's not.
He couldn't help it If uncle albert stuck his head in the tent.
I told him that, but he said his looks were lethal, And we should get him a permit for his face.
I'll try talking to him.
Thanks.
Willie, we should go.
We'll be at the waxman funeral parlor.
Okay, have fun.
Sorry.
Alf.
Are you in there ? Go away.
I brought you some banana bread.
Alf, please come out.
No ! If you see me, you'll die.
I've already seen you.
I know what you look like.
Alf.
I'm double-Bagged for your protection.
Come on.
Eat some banana bread.
I'm not hungry.
You really are upset.
What was death like on melmac ? Predictable.
Everyone died at the same age -- There were no surprises.
And you could plan.
You could stock up on fruit and things ? Exactly.
And the week before you go, you give away your belongings.
The year before you go, your credit cards are canceled.
I'd be afraid to know exactly when i was going to die.
I'd be afraid not to know.
That's why i feel so bad about uncle albert.
I took him before his time.
Thanks to me, he didn't have a chance to wrap things up.
Yes, he did.
What are you talking about ? Uncle albert came here to make amends, To show us that he really could be a nice guy.
A lot of people don't get a chance to do that.
But he did.
Really ? Really.
Well, if that's true, Then i'll get over this eventually.
I'd still like to stay in this box awhile.
I understand.
You need some time to think.
Yeah.
Hey, lynn.
You could leave that banana bread.
You're out of your box.
Yeah, how was the funeral ? Not so bad as i thought it would be.
When i first got there, I was feeling pretty down.
But i started thinking about the last few days with uncle albert.
And i started remembering some things you said.
You know, i had to smile, Because i could see him now in an entirely different light.
He didn't have a care in the world.
I actually felt happy for him.
Spoken like a true melmacian.
I bet he's up there right now Listening to us.
Uncle albert, thanks for stopping by.
So, alf, What are you doing out here ? Pondering our place In the vastness of the universe.
It is humbling.
It's been said, "a man's life is but a small parenthesis in eternity.
" Looking at the stars, Makes one realize how inconsequential we all are.
Yeah.
It also gives one a crick in one's neck.
Could you push my head down ? Aggh !A snail.
Thanks.
That's more like it.
Closed-Captioned by by alien productions.
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