ALF s02e17 Episode Script
Someone to Watch Over Me: Part 1
Ha ! Hold still ! I want it even.
Don't cut it too short.
It'll look like i have a big nose.
I didn't know you were so concerned with your appearance.
You think i wake up looking this good ? Doorbell.
Hide in the kitchen, alf.
Beat you to it.
Two dollars, alf.
Pay up.
Two dollars ? I didn't get my manicure ! Welsher ! Willie ! Kate ! Raquel, jake.
We've been robbed ! Oh, my gosh.
That's terrible.
Don't look at me.
I've got an alibi.
That's right.
Jake was in school.
I wasn't there either, but i have an alibi for that, too.
That's it ! No more tv this week.
What tv ? That's right.
They stole that, too.
They took our silverware, and our vcr, And our original painting of dogs playing pool.
Oh.
It was a powerful piece.
I feel even worse about your circular saw.
My saw was stolen ? Yes, and trevor was going to return it tomorrow.
That's what makes it so funny.
Raquel, did you call the police ? We couldn't.
They took our phones.
Well, i just happen to have one.
That is your phone, isn't it ? I have the receipt.
Just checking.
Thank you.
Hello ? This is raquel ochmonek, We've been robbed ! How soon can you get here ? An hour and a half ? Our art collection could be back across the border by then.
I feel so violated.
If there's anything we can do to help -- Just protect yourselves.
Lock your doors and windows.
You never know when somebody will walk off with your things.
Our phone ! I'll get your phone back for $3.
00.
But that's negotiable.
Did i miss anything ? I was under the dryer.
** [ Doorbell .]
Alf, hide in the kitchen.
I'm going, i'm going ! If i had a nickel for every time someone said -- It's just jake.
Hey, peewee, you can reach the doorknob ! Watch it ! I may be short but i'm wiry.
I brought your phone back.
That'll be $5.
00.
You said $3.
00.
I said "negotiable" -- It can go up, too.
It can also go down To nothing.
Nothing, yeah.
That was my next offer.
Yo, jake-Hammer.
Pull up a chair.
We're playing cards.
Great !I'll make that $5.
00 one way or another.
I never wager more than i'm willing to lose.
I'll bet willie's car.
You won't believe this ! I just got off the phone with mrs.
Litwak.
They have been robbed, too.
Three robberies in a month ! That's it ! I'm taking action.
What ? I'll eat all your valuable food before somebody steals it.
Is that how you dealt with crime on melmac ? That's how we dealt with everything on melmac.
Alf, doorbell.
Just call me pavlov's alien.
Raquel, trevor.
The litwaks were robbed ! We heard.
From who ? Mrs.
Litwak.
She's such a busybody.
Let's cut to the chase, okay ? We're forming a neighborhood watch.
Want to be part ? A neighborhood watch -- Right.
Speaking of watches, I hope the one you lent me was insured.
Maybe we should join before we lose everything.
The first meeting is tomorrow, 8 pm.
We'll bring chairs.
You provide refreshments.
Where's the meeting ? Here.
Didn't we mention that ? I don't remember hearing it, do you ? Maybe we were out of the room.
It's here, tomorrow at 8 pm.
Wait !Shouldn't the meeting be at your place ? Since it's your idea.
Please, kate, I'm too upset to take the plastic off the furniture.
We don't mind sitting on plastic.
Try doing it naked.
Let's compromise.
We'll meet at your place, And i'll bring the refreshments.
All right, but nothing fancy; A few finger sandwiches, Maybe a coffee cake, Preferably decaf.
I'll come over and look after your teenage daughter, Your son, and al -- That uh, hairy thing.
What hairy thing ? Cat.
Yeah, i momentarily forgot the name for it.
He's from new york.
Well, see you tomorrow.
Don't forget the finger sandwiches.
Finger sandwiches ? And you won't let me eat cats ! I'm officer griswald.
If you will all work together, We can stop crime.
Remember the neighborhood watch motto -- "Don't let them knock your block off.
" Ha ha ha I don't get it.
It's just a joke, mrs.
Byrd.
You know, "knock - Block.
" That's just stupid.
Yikes.
Do any of you know what citizen patrols are ? I do.
Teacher's pet ! It's just neighbors taking turns walking the streets.
That's right.
How many of you are interested ? Ya hah ! What's going on now ? The cop just asked for streetwalkers, And kate raised her hand.
Hey, i just call them as i see them.
It would help if the people out on patrol Could report to a central base station.
Does anybody have any radio equipment ? Short wave or cb ? Willie has a cb radio in his garage.
Your garage would probably make a good headquarters.
Are you interested in being the block captain ? No, not really.
He's just holding out for a captain's hat.
I nominate willie for block captain, and i move we buy him a hat.
All in favor ? Aye.
Aye.
Aye.
Aye.
Let's nail this scum.
Can we carry clubs ? Cb equipment ? Operational.
Walkie talkies ? Operational.
Cordless phone on separate line.
Operational.
Stupid-Looking hat.
Op-- That's really unnecessary, alf.
Well, i'm upset, willie.
Why can't i be part of this neighborhood watch ? Because you don't put responsibility Into irresponsible hands.
That's not a reason.
That's a platitude.
Because i said so.
That's dogma.
It's worse than dogma.
It's dogma-Nure.
The answer is no.
But i'm the perfect choice for this job.
I've got a great voice.
And people will want to know whose voice it is.
It'll be your voice, willie.
I'm a whiz with sound equipment.
A little less bass, a little more treble, A smidgen of static -- I'll sound just like you.
All i need now is a hesitation coach.
I don't Think -- Hello, mrs.
Byrd, trevor.
Are you out there ? This is the sentinel.
The sentinel ? Yes, the sentinel.
Boy, that hat's gone to your head.
Trevor, what's the situation ? [ Trevor .]
we're in front of byrd's house.
[ Mrs.
Byrd .]
get out of my trash can.
I'm looking foryou think my stolen stuff.
I robbed your house? This looks like my pizza crust.
I want a new partner.
Hold that thought.
I'll be back in one minute.
You can't run this operation You'll need relief.
And that's spelled a-L-F.
N.
O.
Just one shot, willie.
That's all i ask.
I see you as a fair man With a stupid-Looking hat.
All right, you want a chance ? You've got it ! Go ahead.
Try to make these two work as a team.
Give me room, all right ? I'll show you how captain kirk would handle it.
Can i wear the hat ? You have to earn this hat.
Okay.
All right, ochmonek, byrd, This is the sentinel.
You two knock it off.
Fight crime, not each other.
[ Trevor .]
that doesn't sound like you, tanner.
See ? I told you.
[ Mrs.
Byrd .]
you sound so much more forceful.
See ? I told you.
I want to see some teamwork out there ! Like bartles and james.
Okay, shake hands.
[ Mrs.
Byrd .]
he's been digging in my trash.
Then, salute each other.
[ Trevor .]
all right, we're saluting.
Okay, at ease.
Well ? It looks stupid on you, too.
This is the sentinel calling citizen byrd.
What is it this time ? Suspicious looking character -- Vicinity of 164 hemdale.
I don't see anyone.
She's wearing a tacky fur coat, and talking into her hand.
That's me, you dolt.
Sorry.
Outrageous coat, babe.
And i mean that.
Wait !There's another suspicious character on the next block.
Check it out.
Check it out yourself, and get off my back.
Why don't i check it out ? [ Ring .]
Officer griswald.
Yo, grizzy.
It's the sentinel.
Not again.
Tanner, i know a crime is committed every 5 minutes, But they're not all in your neighborhood.
That's because i'm on the job.
What is it this time ? A man just came out of 202 hemdale Carrying a large plastic bag.
He's headed for the curb.
It's going down ! It's going down ! Could he be taking out his trash ? Uh Could be.
Over and out.
[ Doorbell .]
Hi.
Dad, it's the ochmoneks.
And jake.
Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizing.
Gag me with a shovel.
Whatever turns you on.
Any requests ? Yeah.
Go jump in the lake with your cb.
What ? You take this neighborhood watch Far too seriously.
Have i, as the sentinel, Offended you ? We don't want to be involved anymore.
We're turning in our code names.
Cross "the phantom" and "lolita" off your list.
The others are dropping out, too.
I guess i got carried away, huh ? You called me "horsemeat.
" I'm sure i didn't say Horsemeat.
I'm sure that i said something nice That just sounded like "horsemeat.
" Don't try to contact us.
We're leaving town.
We're going shopping in tijuana.
We have a house to refurnish.
Come on, jake.
Can't i stay with the tanners ? I'm allergic to kitsch.
Go.
Enjoy.
Drink the water.
Adios.
You can't stay unless willie invites you Of his own free will, Without being pushed into it.
Jake's welcome to stay.
All right.
See you ma?Na.
Hasta luego.
Come on, trevor.
Right, phantom.
If you will excuse me, I have a little matter to discuss with alf.
Take your time, sir.
We'll be fine.
Could you dim the lights on your way out ? No problem.
This is your captain speaking.
Come in, ochmonek.
Litwak Bird Rambo, big foot, horsemeat, Anybody.
Maybe there was a nuclear war and i'm the only one left.
Hey, willie, see any mushroom clouds out there ? Come in, ochmonek ! I know you're out there ! You are through being block captain forever.
Forever ! If i read between the lines -- You're fired ! That's not what you're getting at.
That's exactly what i'm getting at.
You're finished.
You've humiliated me in front of my neighbors, And ruined an excellent crime-Prevention program.
Oh, yeah ? Oh, yeah ? Well, you're nearsighted.
Hah ! I'm fired ? [ Ring .]
Hello ! I don't suppose you'd be interested in Some suspicious movement in the bushes next door.
Evidently not.
[ Ring .]
Griswald.
Guess who, grismeister ? Tanner ? I don't suppose you'd be interested in Some suspicious movement in the bushes next door.
It's a trend.
Well, alfer, it's up to you.
An alien's got to do what an alien's got to do.
When the going gets tough, The tough get going.
Many are called, But few are chosen.
And you can't get anything done When you stand around talking to yourself in cliches.
This guy's gonna be rice pudding.
Yeah.
What am i doing ? I'm a cop.
We're cops.
Aren't we ? We gotta check it out.
Don't we ? Come on, let's go.
Freeze ! Don't you know what freeze means ? [ Police siren .]
Well, it's about time.
[ Police bullhorn .]
you, in the house, Come out with your hands up.
Mommy ! [ Alf .]
next week, on alf Whoops, wrong reel.
Ha !Here's our show.
Long story, short.
I saw a burglar, and scared him away.
Now i'm trapped, and i'm scared.
[ Alf .]
hope i didn't let the cat out of the bag.
Captions performed by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.
Don't cut it too short.
It'll look like i have a big nose.
I didn't know you were so concerned with your appearance.
You think i wake up looking this good ? Doorbell.
Hide in the kitchen, alf.
Beat you to it.
Two dollars, alf.
Pay up.
Two dollars ? I didn't get my manicure ! Welsher ! Willie ! Kate ! Raquel, jake.
We've been robbed ! Oh, my gosh.
That's terrible.
Don't look at me.
I've got an alibi.
That's right.
Jake was in school.
I wasn't there either, but i have an alibi for that, too.
That's it ! No more tv this week.
What tv ? That's right.
They stole that, too.
They took our silverware, and our vcr, And our original painting of dogs playing pool.
Oh.
It was a powerful piece.
I feel even worse about your circular saw.
My saw was stolen ? Yes, and trevor was going to return it tomorrow.
That's what makes it so funny.
Raquel, did you call the police ? We couldn't.
They took our phones.
Well, i just happen to have one.
That is your phone, isn't it ? I have the receipt.
Just checking.
Thank you.
Hello ? This is raquel ochmonek, We've been robbed ! How soon can you get here ? An hour and a half ? Our art collection could be back across the border by then.
I feel so violated.
If there's anything we can do to help -- Just protect yourselves.
Lock your doors and windows.
You never know when somebody will walk off with your things.
Our phone ! I'll get your phone back for $3.
00.
But that's negotiable.
Did i miss anything ? I was under the dryer.
** [ Doorbell .]
Alf, hide in the kitchen.
I'm going, i'm going ! If i had a nickel for every time someone said -- It's just jake.
Hey, peewee, you can reach the doorknob ! Watch it ! I may be short but i'm wiry.
I brought your phone back.
That'll be $5.
00.
You said $3.
00.
I said "negotiable" -- It can go up, too.
It can also go down To nothing.
Nothing, yeah.
That was my next offer.
Yo, jake-Hammer.
Pull up a chair.
We're playing cards.
Great !I'll make that $5.
00 one way or another.
I never wager more than i'm willing to lose.
I'll bet willie's car.
You won't believe this ! I just got off the phone with mrs.
Litwak.
They have been robbed, too.
Three robberies in a month ! That's it ! I'm taking action.
What ? I'll eat all your valuable food before somebody steals it.
Is that how you dealt with crime on melmac ? That's how we dealt with everything on melmac.
Alf, doorbell.
Just call me pavlov's alien.
Raquel, trevor.
The litwaks were robbed ! We heard.
From who ? Mrs.
Litwak.
She's such a busybody.
Let's cut to the chase, okay ? We're forming a neighborhood watch.
Want to be part ? A neighborhood watch -- Right.
Speaking of watches, I hope the one you lent me was insured.
Maybe we should join before we lose everything.
The first meeting is tomorrow, 8 pm.
We'll bring chairs.
You provide refreshments.
Where's the meeting ? Here.
Didn't we mention that ? I don't remember hearing it, do you ? Maybe we were out of the room.
It's here, tomorrow at 8 pm.
Wait !Shouldn't the meeting be at your place ? Since it's your idea.
Please, kate, I'm too upset to take the plastic off the furniture.
We don't mind sitting on plastic.
Try doing it naked.
Let's compromise.
We'll meet at your place, And i'll bring the refreshments.
All right, but nothing fancy; A few finger sandwiches, Maybe a coffee cake, Preferably decaf.
I'll come over and look after your teenage daughter, Your son, and al -- That uh, hairy thing.
What hairy thing ? Cat.
Yeah, i momentarily forgot the name for it.
He's from new york.
Well, see you tomorrow.
Don't forget the finger sandwiches.
Finger sandwiches ? And you won't let me eat cats ! I'm officer griswald.
If you will all work together, We can stop crime.
Remember the neighborhood watch motto -- "Don't let them knock your block off.
" Ha ha ha I don't get it.
It's just a joke, mrs.
Byrd.
You know, "knock - Block.
" That's just stupid.
Yikes.
Do any of you know what citizen patrols are ? I do.
Teacher's pet ! It's just neighbors taking turns walking the streets.
That's right.
How many of you are interested ? Ya hah ! What's going on now ? The cop just asked for streetwalkers, And kate raised her hand.
Hey, i just call them as i see them.
It would help if the people out on patrol Could report to a central base station.
Does anybody have any radio equipment ? Short wave or cb ? Willie has a cb radio in his garage.
Your garage would probably make a good headquarters.
Are you interested in being the block captain ? No, not really.
He's just holding out for a captain's hat.
I nominate willie for block captain, and i move we buy him a hat.
All in favor ? Aye.
Aye.
Aye.
Aye.
Let's nail this scum.
Can we carry clubs ? Cb equipment ? Operational.
Walkie talkies ? Operational.
Cordless phone on separate line.
Operational.
Stupid-Looking hat.
Op-- That's really unnecessary, alf.
Well, i'm upset, willie.
Why can't i be part of this neighborhood watch ? Because you don't put responsibility Into irresponsible hands.
That's not a reason.
That's a platitude.
Because i said so.
That's dogma.
It's worse than dogma.
It's dogma-Nure.
The answer is no.
But i'm the perfect choice for this job.
I've got a great voice.
And people will want to know whose voice it is.
It'll be your voice, willie.
I'm a whiz with sound equipment.
A little less bass, a little more treble, A smidgen of static -- I'll sound just like you.
All i need now is a hesitation coach.
I don't Think -- Hello, mrs.
Byrd, trevor.
Are you out there ? This is the sentinel.
The sentinel ? Yes, the sentinel.
Boy, that hat's gone to your head.
Trevor, what's the situation ? [ Trevor .]
we're in front of byrd's house.
[ Mrs.
Byrd .]
get out of my trash can.
I'm looking foryou think my stolen stuff.
I robbed your house? This looks like my pizza crust.
I want a new partner.
Hold that thought.
I'll be back in one minute.
You can't run this operation You'll need relief.
And that's spelled a-L-F.
N.
O.
Just one shot, willie.
That's all i ask.
I see you as a fair man With a stupid-Looking hat.
All right, you want a chance ? You've got it ! Go ahead.
Try to make these two work as a team.
Give me room, all right ? I'll show you how captain kirk would handle it.
Can i wear the hat ? You have to earn this hat.
Okay.
All right, ochmonek, byrd, This is the sentinel.
You two knock it off.
Fight crime, not each other.
[ Trevor .]
that doesn't sound like you, tanner.
See ? I told you.
[ Mrs.
Byrd .]
you sound so much more forceful.
See ? I told you.
I want to see some teamwork out there ! Like bartles and james.
Okay, shake hands.
[ Mrs.
Byrd .]
he's been digging in my trash.
Then, salute each other.
[ Trevor .]
all right, we're saluting.
Okay, at ease.
Well ? It looks stupid on you, too.
This is the sentinel calling citizen byrd.
What is it this time ? Suspicious looking character -- Vicinity of 164 hemdale.
I don't see anyone.
She's wearing a tacky fur coat, and talking into her hand.
That's me, you dolt.
Sorry.
Outrageous coat, babe.
And i mean that.
Wait !There's another suspicious character on the next block.
Check it out.
Check it out yourself, and get off my back.
Why don't i check it out ? [ Ring .]
Officer griswald.
Yo, grizzy.
It's the sentinel.
Not again.
Tanner, i know a crime is committed every 5 minutes, But they're not all in your neighborhood.
That's because i'm on the job.
What is it this time ? A man just came out of 202 hemdale Carrying a large plastic bag.
He's headed for the curb.
It's going down ! It's going down ! Could he be taking out his trash ? Uh Could be.
Over and out.
[ Doorbell .]
Hi.
Dad, it's the ochmoneks.
And jake.
Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizing.
Gag me with a shovel.
Whatever turns you on.
Any requests ? Yeah.
Go jump in the lake with your cb.
What ? You take this neighborhood watch Far too seriously.
Have i, as the sentinel, Offended you ? We don't want to be involved anymore.
We're turning in our code names.
Cross "the phantom" and "lolita" off your list.
The others are dropping out, too.
I guess i got carried away, huh ? You called me "horsemeat.
" I'm sure i didn't say Horsemeat.
I'm sure that i said something nice That just sounded like "horsemeat.
" Don't try to contact us.
We're leaving town.
We're going shopping in tijuana.
We have a house to refurnish.
Come on, jake.
Can't i stay with the tanners ? I'm allergic to kitsch.
Go.
Enjoy.
Drink the water.
Adios.
You can't stay unless willie invites you Of his own free will, Without being pushed into it.
Jake's welcome to stay.
All right.
See you ma?Na.
Hasta luego.
Come on, trevor.
Right, phantom.
If you will excuse me, I have a little matter to discuss with alf.
Take your time, sir.
We'll be fine.
Could you dim the lights on your way out ? No problem.
This is your captain speaking.
Come in, ochmonek.
Litwak Bird Rambo, big foot, horsemeat, Anybody.
Maybe there was a nuclear war and i'm the only one left.
Hey, willie, see any mushroom clouds out there ? Come in, ochmonek ! I know you're out there ! You are through being block captain forever.
Forever ! If i read between the lines -- You're fired ! That's not what you're getting at.
That's exactly what i'm getting at.
You're finished.
You've humiliated me in front of my neighbors, And ruined an excellent crime-Prevention program.
Oh, yeah ? Oh, yeah ? Well, you're nearsighted.
Hah ! I'm fired ? [ Ring .]
Hello ! I don't suppose you'd be interested in Some suspicious movement in the bushes next door.
Evidently not.
[ Ring .]
Griswald.
Guess who, grismeister ? Tanner ? I don't suppose you'd be interested in Some suspicious movement in the bushes next door.
It's a trend.
Well, alfer, it's up to you.
An alien's got to do what an alien's got to do.
When the going gets tough, The tough get going.
Many are called, But few are chosen.
And you can't get anything done When you stand around talking to yourself in cliches.
This guy's gonna be rice pudding.
Yeah.
What am i doing ? I'm a cop.
We're cops.
Aren't we ? We gotta check it out.
Don't we ? Come on, let's go.
Freeze ! Don't you know what freeze means ? [ Police siren .]
Well, it's about time.
[ Police bullhorn .]
you, in the house, Come out with your hands up.
Mommy ! [ Alf .]
next week, on alf Whoops, wrong reel.
Ha !Here's our show.
Long story, short.
I saw a burglar, and scared him away.
Now i'm trapped, and i'm scared.
[ Alf .]
hope i didn't let the cat out of the bag.
Captions performed by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.