ALF s02e21 Episode Script

Hit Me with Your Best Shot

What are you doing ? Soaking up rays, babe.
Except your sun lamp isn't working.
I've been here for 5 hours -- Nothing.
You're lucky you didn't get sunburned.
Aaaghh ! Sorry.
Oh, it hurts, it hurts.
Would you like some cold cream ? Just one scoop.
I'm on a diet.
It's for your nose.
That's where i'm trying to lose the weight.
I'm talking about cold cream; Not ice cream; cold cream.
Understand ? You're talking like they're two different things.
They are ! Aren't you listening ? What is this ? Healing through hollering ? Brian, what happened ? Yeah, you look terrible.
I was in a fight.
Looking like that ? Yeesh ! ** Ow ! Nobody does this and gets away with it.
Unless they're over 3 feet tall.
Brian, what happened ? I was in a fight with bobby duncan.
Who is bobby duncan ? Isn't he that smart-Mouth little punk down the street ? Yeah.
We have to retaliate.
You beat up his mother, You beat up his sister, And i'll eat up his cat.
We're not rumbling with the duncans.
What started the fight ? Was it over some woman ? Kind of yeah.
All right, brian ! It doesn't matter.
I don't want you fighting.
But bobby said you were old, ugly, and dumb.
Well, even so, Next time just ignore him, The little brat.
Mom, all kids think adults are old.
And ugly and dumb ? He's entitled to his opinion.
So, anyway, i hit him.
Except, he hit me back harder.
Over and over.
I know you think you were standing up for me, But you shouldn't fight.
Has he ever actually seen me ? Yeah.
I think i should call his mother.
No ! But he might beat you up again.
I'd rather get beat up, than be called a snitch.
Yeah, that's the worst.
On melmac, some guy called me a snitch Just because i turned him in to the secret police.
When bobby saw me, was i in curlers ? Let it go.
After this lesson, You'll never get beat up at school again.
I'm not going to school anymore.
Don't say that.
School's important.
Dropouts don't get anywhere in life.
You'll hang around the house all day eating and watching tv.
But i want to be like you.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The trick is to concentrate all your energy, And let it explode in a flash of destruction.
All right ! That never worked before.
Do it again.
I guess there's pain only when you don't break the board.
Unbelievable pain.
Hey, brian.
Your mother told me what happened.
Are you okay ? Yeah, alf's teaching me the martial arts.
I don't want you teaching my son to fight, alf.
Call an ambulance.
I'm serious ! And i'm not ? I broke my hand.
Let me see.
It looks fine.
Thank you, professor x-Ray.
It's fine, alf.
It's fine.
That feels good.
Can you do my shoulders ? If you really want to help, Teach him not to fight.
He already knows that -- Look at his face.
Excuse me, alf.
I know whereof i speak.
When i was brian's age, A bully lived on our block.
He was always picking on me.
Whereof ? Sorry.
I'm still fascinated By the oddities of the english language.
Anyway, This bully was named clarence.
Ha ! Tough neighborhood.
Ow ! Every day i'd try to stand up to him.
And every day he'd beat me up.
Until finally my father told me To just turn the other cheek.
Is this the same grandfather that talked to corn chips ? He was a wise man.
You know what happened ? When i refused to fight, clarence stopped bothering me.
It's no fun to pick on someone who won't fight back.
So tomorrow, if bobby starts teasing you, I want you to just walk away.
Okay ? Okay.
Willie, my hand still hurts.
Kiss it ? Whoa !How continental.
I love you, too, mom.
Why are those boards in the fireplace ? Alf said, "if you can't break them, burn them.
" Alf ! Boing ! Alf, you may not burn perfectly good lumber.
Oh, right.
One of these days Willie's going to build that gazebo.
Brian, what's wrong.
See you tomorrow.
Oh, not again.
Hi, dad.
Bobby beat me up again.
Oh, no.
I tried to walk away, But he was sitting on me at the time.
Lynn, get the first-Aid kit.
Come on, let me clean you up.
All right ! That's it ! I say we fight violence with violence.
That's how we solved things back home.
Don't you remember what happened to your planet ? It blew up in a nuclear holocaust.
Why ? Don't you see the connection ? What connection ? I give up.
Me, too.
My head is spinning.
Maybe a cold cream sundae -- You should have heard what bobby said.
Did he insult me again ? No.
What did he say about me ? He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.
I'm glad to see he's off my case.
Did he say anything about me ? He said you were cute.
Does he know i'm mom's daughter ? This isn't funny ! I'm sorry, but i have to call bobby's mother.
Save your dialing finger.
She's not home.
She went to the liquor store.
Who told you that ? Bobby's father.
By the way, he's coming here to beat up willie.
What ? Why ? He didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.
I thought we agreed that you would stop Impersonating me on the phone.
We agreed i'd stop impersonating the cast of "green acres.
" [As mr.
Haney from green acres.]
Haney could have sold brian Some revivifying potion From the back of his truck.
What did "i" say to bobby's father ? You were a bit rough.
It was so unlike you.
What did he say to me ? He said that he was going to turn your face Into silly putty.
Look at the bright side.
You'll be able to reproduce the sunday comics.
[ Doorbell .]
That might be bobby's dad.
Don't worry, willie.
We won't let them keep you alive artificially.
You must be mr.
You're gonna rip my face off, huh ? You know, i never meant to say that.
I was upset about brian.
Please accept my apology.
You beat up bruce lee ? Not the bruce lee.
Not the karate bruce lee.
In fact his name was actually herman.
Won't you come in ? Oh, i get the picture.
You talk tough on the phone, but can't back it up.
Basically, yes.
This must be mrs.
So pleased to meet you.
Why did i come over ? I could have just sent bobby.
Say, i said i was sorry.
If you're not big enough -- Is that a crack about my height ? I have beat up bigger guys than you, four eyes.
Four eyes.
Very original.
What's happening ? Mr.
Duncan called dad "four eyes.
" Ha ha.
Oh that duncan.
What a yo-Yo.
Shh ! We just want your son to stop picking on brian.
Bobby told me your son threw the first punch.
Because your son called me old, ugly, and dumb.
Ugly ?Better get that kid some glasses, huh ? No, better make that contacts.
Right, four eyes ? That joke gets less funny every time i hear it, Shorty.
Mom, dad, is it time for church yet ? Are you trying to get your daddy out of a fight ? Guess whose idea that was ? I don't need my daughter to keep me from fighting.
No, you can run from fights on your own.
That's it.
I'd like you to leave now.
Oh, i'm scared, i'm scared.
I've heard more than enough from you.
Is that so, sissy boy ? Yes, it is.
You obnoxious little man ! [ Crash .]
Way to go, four eyes ! Doughnut, willie ? No sweets for "boom boom" tanner.
He's in training.
I'm not in training.
I got you a fight with mr.
Hurlbut down the street.
Hurlbut is my friend ! Not after the way "you" talked to him.
Stop calling people ! Don't hit, don't hit ! What i did was wrong.
I feel very bad about it.
Honey, don't torture yourself.
Yeah, the bum deserved it.
He was a short, beady-Eyed loudmouth.
Unlike anyone we know.
I'm not beady-Eyed.
[ Doorbell .]
Who could that be ? Hard to say.
I called so many people.
Everyone wants to take a poke at the champ.
I'm glad mike tyson lives in new york.
Actually, he's thinking of moving out here.
Hey, that's what his girlfriend told me.
Hi, tanner.
Whatever i said on the phone, i'm sorry.
I just came over to congratulate you, killer.
It's "boom boom.
" Everyone is talking about what willie did to that awful mr.
How did they find out ? From me, of course.
There's 3 ways news can travel -- Telephone, telegraph, and tell raquel.
So give us a blow-By-Blow.
I never meant to hurt him.
I was trying to teach brian not to fight.
You really pounded that lesson home.
I'm afraid so.
Don't feel bad.
Duncan deserved it.
He had the nerve to complain About trevor burning tires in our yard.
Like i can control the wind.
If willie can beat trevor and mr.
Litwak, We can get a bigger purse when he fights mrs.
We'll only take the purse if they throw in matching shoes.
Is everything settled ? Duncan's on his way over to talk to me in person.
Where's brian ? Is he going to sing the national anthem ? I want him to be here To see that i can solve these things without fighting.
He's in his bedroom.
[ Doorbell .]
Good luck, dad.
Remember it's your title.
He has to take it away from you.
Brian ? All right, tanner.
I'm back.
Please come in.
What is it ? I wanted you to meet mr.
This is my son, brian.
This is the kid that gave my kid the black eye ? You really gave bobby a black eye ? Kate.
I mean i hope he's okay.
Can i get you anything ? How about a beer ? Of course.
It is almost noon.
Nice walk.
That's my wife.
What's going on ? Mr.
Duncan likes the way i walk.
Me, too !Especially when you're carrying dinner.
That man gives me the creeps.
How can you say that ? Willie's your father.
I was talking about mr.
Oh, right.
I'm just trying to get our kids to stop fighting.
Why ?Fighting is good exercise for kids.
Not for the guy on the ground.
Thanks, babe.
You're welcome, bub.
Anyway, where i grew up, we were always fighting -- At home, school, the pet store.
The pet store ? Hey, i like fighting.
It made me what i am today.
The scrap metal business is a tough racket.
Scrap metal ? You can keep the can.
Is that a put-Down ? I'm a scrap metal dealer, not a garbage man.
I think you're being overly sensitive here.
Oh, yeah ? Well you're the goofiest looking doofus i've ever met.
That doesn't bother me.
Dad ? Those are just words, brian.
[ Mocking .]
those are just words, brian.
All right.
I've had my say.
I'd like you to leave.
Now that you know what i do for a living, I'm not good enough to be in your house.
Would you just leave ? Why don't you make me ? I would, but i'm too civilized.
More like sissified, hey, doofus ? You are out of here ! [ Crash .]
Yay, mom ! Let's hear it for kate "boom boom" tanner.
You realize what you did was wrong.
Yeah, i know.
It's true, brian.
In spite of what you've seen and heard, Fighting is wrong.
Don't argue with them, or you'll wind up in the trash.
Kate, when are you free to mud wrestle raquel ? In this corner, Weighing in at "Mummy-Hamed" ali.
And in this corner weighing in at, None of your business, Gordon "sugar ray" shumway.
[ Imitates a crowd's roar .]
Round 1 -- Ding.
Ow, low blow, low blow ! He hit you in the nose.
Anything below my hairline is a low blow.
Guess what ? Bobby's not picking on brian anymore.
He's scared of him.
That's what happens when your parents are "He-Man" and "she-Ra," masters of the neighborhood.
Weren't you in the middle of a bout ? I'm going to wrap this one up, mummy.
Ha, ha, ha.
Take that ! Bet you didn't know i could do that.
The mummy's not the only one with a round bottom.
Body block ! Captions performed by by alien productions.
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