ALF s03e02 Episode Script

Stairway to Heaven

Thank you, thank you.
And welcome to the second annual Tanner invitational croquet tournament.
[All cheering] Ok.
Introducing the defending champions, Lynn and brian tanner.
Whoo! Alf: all right! And the challengers, Kate and, of course, willie tanner.
Boo! Hiss! Murder the bums! I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.
[Blows whistle] That's it.
Mouthing off.
You're out of here.
I think we need a referee With at least a nodding acquaintance With the rules.
Now, see here.
Croquet happened to be melmac's biggest sport.
Only there it was called muck sucking.
Alf.
Hey, i didn't name it.
Is it played the same? Exactly.
Except you need and bob eubanks.
Oh, oh.
And the swing was slightly different.
Here, i'll show you.
Block me, willie.
Uhh! Willie.
Ohh! [Groaning] Now you see why it was called muck sucking.
Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.
Put him on the couch.
I'll have a look at him there.
Stay away from me! I just want to help.
I just want to be a safe distance from you.
If there is such a place.
Guess it's just you and me, you little muck sucker.
I don't want to play with you, alf.
You're too dangerous.
Oh, what a day.
First i broke willie's windshield, Then i broke willie's power saw.
Now i broke willie.
Sometimes i think the tanners Would be better off without me.
Sometimes i wish i'd never come here.
I wish--I wish-- I wish i could figure out this thing called gravity.
lions gate home entertainment Ohh.
Oh, holy-Owned subsidiary.
You think your shin hurts, wilco.
Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.
Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father? Certainly, son.
Thank you.
Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get brian to eat hearts of palm? Save room for the cr?E brule everyone.
Oh, i, for one, certainly will.
Well, excuse me for bleeding.
What is this, Freeze out the reckless alien? What a lot of food.
There's certainly going to be a lot left.
We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.
Right.
We'd eat the dog in one sitting.
Ha ha! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on, tanners, talk to me.
They can't see or hear you, alf.
Aah! Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house.
I've been unveiled.
They can't see me, either.
Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.
Believe me now? No.
I don't believe any of this.
Who are you? My name is bob.
I'm your guardian angel.
Right.
And i'm the easter alien.
Well, i don't have all day.
Are you ready? Ready for what? To start your new life.
I'm here to grant you the wish you made this morning.
You got me a date with sheena easton? Do you recall these words, "I wish that i had a different life"? I never said that.
Oh, all right, i'm paraphrasing.
If you must know your exact words.
"Sometimes i wish that i'd never come here.
I wish, i wish--" Bonk.
Y--Bonk? Oh, yes.
That's when the mallet hit you.
Now, do you remember saying that? I say so many things.
I'm a scorpio you know.
Well, your wish has been granted.
History has been revised, And your life with the tanners never happened.
Well, we better be going.
Uh, yeah.
Ok, fine.
Um, just give me a minute to say good-Bye.
All right, i give up.
You made your point.
Tell the guy from ghost-O-Gram over there To go home.
It's no use, alf.
They can't see you.
If you don't believe me, look in the mirror.
[Indistinct chatter] Strange.
I thought i broke that mirror.
Look again.
It is broken.
I don't see our reflections.
Eek! We're vampires! No, we're not vampires.
We don't cast reflections Because we don't exist in this place.
Well, if i don't exist, These poor people must be miserable.
You know, our lives have turned out better Than i ever dreamed would have been possible.
I agree.
We have 2 wonderful kids, a comfortable income, This great house with no aliens living in it.
You made them say that.
No, i didn't.
Yes, you did.
Did not.
Did to.
Nuh-Uh.
Uh-Huh.
Oh, by the way, thanks again for the maserati.
Our pleasure.
Is it ok if i give julie my porsche? Sure, honey.
Thanks.
It's her birthday And i forgot to get her a card.
Ok, so they've got a little more money.
[Doorbell rings] I'll get it.
Aren't you gonna ask me To hide in the kitchen, willie? Hi, guys.
Come on in.
Brian has friends? They couldn't come over when you lived here.
Come on out back.
We just got a new slide.
They're excited about a slide? Big deal.
It's a pool slide.
Well, their yard isn't big enough for a pool.
It is now.
They bought the ochmoneks' house and tore it down.
The ochmoneks moved away? Not exactly.
Your after dinner tea, monsieur, fräulein, se?Rita? Merci.
Danke.
Gracias.
Don't tell me.
They live in the servants quarters.
Exactly.
How did the tanners get all this money? Without you around, there were fewer expenses.
And you weren't here to accidentally eat willie's lottery ticket.
Hey, i thought it was a wheat thin.
Well, if i don't live here, Where do i live? What's my life like? Oh, it's a wonderful life.
Would you like a sneak preview? No.
[Snaps] Where are we? Cosmique cosmetics.
Oh, good.
I'm almost out of henna rinse.
This is where you work.
Work? You mean in my new life i have a job? Yes.
But i'm a domestic alien.
See, i belong at home Guarding the refrigerator, Monitoring tv programming for the children.
Nevertheless, this is your new life And in it you work.
We're falling behind in our hourly quota.
I better speed this thing up.
You know how the boss feels about quotas.
Oh, sounds like a great place to work.
Thanks a lot, bob-O.
Maybe i should let you meet the boss.
You might like him.
No, you don't understand.
I can't work.
It'll put me in a tax bracket.
Ready to go? No! [Snaps] I really wish i could do that.
Only angels can transport themselves.
No, i mean snap my fingers.
Oh.
Well, this is the boss's office.
What do you think? It could use a skylight And a deli counter.
And they say you're shallow.
Look, bob-O, I have enough anxiety in my life Without taking orders From some slave-Driving jerk.
Freddy! Freddy! Who do you think you're kidding, huh? Your report was a mockery of a travesty of a fake sham.
Unless you think you can live on unemployment, You better fix it.
To it pronto.
Well, what do you think? I think he's an incredibly Handsome slave-Driving jerk.
Send in mavis winkler.
Impressed? Yeah.
That suit makes my body look like a "v.
" I have the financial statements For last quarter, mr.
Shumway.
Thank you, mavis.
How are we doing? Sales are up 122% Over the previous quarter.
The cost of good soul declined by 30% Since we fully depreciated the peoria plant.
And the projected-- Ho ho ho.
Pull over and stay in the vehicle, mavis.
What's the bottom line? You're rich.
How rich? So rich.
How did i become this captain of industry? Well, when you arrived on earth, You crashed into the cosmetics section of bloomingdale's.
Blue radiator fluid from your space craft Leaked into a couple of empty cosmetics bottles.
Well, jackie onassis bought one.
The other was allegedly purchased by bess myerson.
Well, jackie wore the perfume To leona helmsley's new year's eve party.
Well, leona flipped for the fragrance, And she asked donald trump to take a sniff.
All right, all right.
I got the picture.
Gee, give a man eternity And he talks your ear off.
Anyway, to make a long story short, Your radiator fluid is now america's most popular perfume-- Shumway number 5.
Huh.
Did i do anything with my axle grease? Shumway lip gloss.
How about my carburetor sludge? Preparation shumway.
And all i had to do is wish for all this? No starting in the mailroom? No marrying the boss's ugly daughter? None of that? That's right.
And i don't have to hide from the alien task force anymore? The president called them off When you put the federal deficit on your gold card.
Ok, bob, you win.
This life looks great.
Sign me up.
[Snaps] [Typing] I'll just get this paperwork out of the way, And it's a done deal.
Try not to panic, bob, But i think we're on fire.
Huh? Oh, don't worry.
Those are just clouds.
Well, i guess i've looked at these from both sides now.
Incidentally, your hobby is racing lear jets.
Last book read, zen and the art of acquisitions.
Favorite quote, "greed works.
" You know, this new life is gonna be great.
I'm gonna be rich, drive a big car.
Make a note-- Call sheena easton.
No, no.
First i'll call the tanners And invite them over for pizza.
Then we'll call sheena easton.
I'm afraid that isn't possible.
Well, fine.
Then call kelly girl.
Tell them to send over kelly mcgillis and kelly lebrock.
I mean you won't be able to invite the tanners over.
After the transition you won't remember them.
Oh, sure i will.
Just because i'm gonna be rich Doesn't mean i'll forget the little people.
I'm afraid you will, alf.
You'll forget the tanners and everything about your former life.
Oh, everyone's a little nervous at first.
I'm sure you're going to be very happy in your new life.
I can't imagine being happy in a life without the tanners.
Oh, come off it, alf.
Think of your secretary, Think of your profit margins, Think of your other secretary.
And you saw how well the tanners were doing without you.
Well, i guess you're right.
But can i at least go back and see them one last time? I've got to join a frequent flier club.
[Snaps] The engram gambit.
I'm not sure i'm going to be able to counter that.
Do what i do! Wait for her to look away, Then eat the horse.
Mother, father.
How was the bassoon lesson, lynn? Teacher said my embouchure is getting better.
Well, until it does, don't breathe on me! Wonderful, dear.
Without me around, All the straight lines are going to waste.
Well, i'm off.
Going out back to the driving range, are you, brian? Yes, i've got to work on my slice.
Tell me again, father, why do i enjoy golf so? Because it gives you an opportunity To cultivate business contacts, my boy.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, father.
Golf? Business contacts? Brian's supposed to be a kid, not a republican.
Nobody's having any fun around here.
I haven't heard anybody laugh in the last 5 minutes.
Oh, katherine, did i tell you the joke About the elephant's footprints in The cheesecake? No, i don't believe you did.
Well How do you know When an elephant Has been in your refrigerator ? How? You'll find his footprints In the cheesecake.
I see.
This is pathetic.
The tanner's aren't better off without me.
They're bored.
Worse than that, they're boring! They don't seem unhappy.
Well, that's because they don't know any better.
I'm not around to liven things up.
[Glass shattering] Why did you do that, dear? Every once in a while, I just feel the need to hear something breaking.
I told you they'd miss me! Don't be ridiculous.
They don't even know you.
Ok, then they need me.
Look at willie.
The poor guy has to break everything himself.
Will there be anything else? Would you be so kind as to belch for us? [Burp] Thank you, raquel.
No problem.
That's disgusting! You wanted to say good-Bye.
I think you should say it now.
I changed my mind.
I'm not leaving.
And you can't make me.
[Snaps] I stand corrected.
Sign here.
I'm not signing.
Well, have it your way.
It's a mere formality, anyway.
Well, forget it.
I'm not going.
I know my rights.
Get me a lawyer.
This is heaven.
There are no lawyers here.
Prepare to enter your new life.
No! No! Wait! Wait! This--This whole thing is a mistake.
The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal isoff.
I think he's waking up.
Alf.
Alf! Can you-- Can you hear me?! Auntie em? Auntie em? Is that you? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
It's kate.
It's kate.
Are you all right? Well, i think so.
Aah! Ow! We worried about you.
Oh, brian, Kate, kate, lynn! Willie! Willie, i'm back! Bob sent me back! Who's bob? My guardian angel.
See, i wished i never crashed into your garage.
So, bob took me away from you.
And willie smoked a pipe.
Alf, you were just dreaming.
We found you in the backyard.
You were unconscious.
You were sucking muck.
Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.
I'm sorry i yelled at you, alf.
We were really worried.
We thought you might have Well, you know Kicked the bucket? Alf, i couldn't imagine What life would be like without you.
Believe me, you don't want to know.
By the way, do we have a pool? No.
It doesn't matter.
I'm home now.
The maserati's probably not happening either, right? Are you sure you're all right? Hey, what could be wrong? I'm here with my tanners.
Everything's back to normal, Just the way i like it.
A gift for you, willie, From the bottom of my heart-- [Glass shattering] Don't thank me.
Are you almost ready, dear? Kate: i'll be right out! Hello? Bloomingdale's perfume department.
Yeah, i have your next tremendous seller here.
This stuff will be on the nape Of every female neck in the nation.
Kate: aah! Hold on a second.
What do you know about this? I notice it doesn't absorb very well.
Smells like radiator fluid.
Hello? Could you transfer me to your automotive department? Alf: ah ha ha!