ALF s03e03 Episode Script
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, kate.
Oh, no, alf, these are for everyone.
Oh.
Ah-Choo! Actually, i'm in the mood for oatmeal.
I think i'm gonna get something at work.
I'm gonna have to change my shirt.
[Knocking.]
Who is it? It's mejake.
Oh, come on in, jake.
Joy.
That's twice my appetite's been killed.
Hey, morning, jake kiboody.
What brings you over? Aunt raquel and uncle trevor have been fighting again.
What was it about this time? Allow me.
Raquel thinks trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, And some other female paranoia nonsense.
Hey, you crawl under people's houses, You hear things.
lions gate home entertainment Jake, would you like to join us for breakfast? Whatcha havin'? Green eggs and ham.
Pass.
[Knocking.]
Man: hey, tanners, it's me! Oh, great.
Pig out-Us interrupt-Us.
Oh, g-- Come on in, trevor.
Oh, what's up? Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems.
Raquel just threw me out.
Oh, trevor, i'm sorry.
She called me a slob.
We know.
Hey, i didn't tell 'em.
Who did? Uh, i did.
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea That she doesn't love me anymore.
So are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, trevor? Ow! Uh, leg cramp.
I don't know where i'm gonna stay.
Do you know anybody That would kindly put me up for the night? Well Ow! You can stay here, trevor.
Oh, well, thanks.
Heh, i'll be right back.
Come on, jake.
Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.
Oh! Where does that freeloading sloth Get off crashing our party? I don't know, alf.
Why don't you have a sloth-To-Sloth talk with him? I can't believe it.
This makes 2 broken homes i've come from in one year.
I'm a jinx.
Oh, it's not your fault.
They've had fights before.
Why does mr.
Ochmonek have to stay here? Yeah.
Are there no work farms? Are there no prisons? Alf, try to be a little more sensitive.
I am sensitive.
I'm sensitive to the fact i'm looking at another stay In garage med.
Hide, alf.
He's coming back.
Uhh! I really appreciate this, kate.
Oh, don't mention it.
And don't worry.
I'm sure this'll all blow over In about a week or 2.
Trevor, when you asked If we could put you up for the night, We assumed you meant for the night.
That's another thing raquel hates about me-- I'm vague.
You can use brian's room.
He can double up with lynn.
No way! I'll take that deal.
No way! Hey, maybe you and willie can sleep in brian's room.
No way! [Rock music playing.]
* take a step back * * gonna move you nice and slow * * don't run and hide * * let it out * * shout! It's the way to go * Good morning, trevor! Oh, hi, kate.
Willie.
I hope my suburb blaster didn't wake you up.
No, no.
This was me and raquel's favorite song.
Boy, that sinatra could sing.
That sounds like pink floyd.
I know that, willie.
I was making Did you get enough to eat? Actually no.
All i could find was cereal.
When you guys have a midnight snack, You pull out all the stops.
Oh, you didn't do this? I did.
I had a craving last night.
For green pepper? They make me drowsy.
Well, i'd offer you a bowl of cereal, Except i used the last of the milk.
I'll just Go down to the store and get some.
Why do that? I'll just borrow some from mrs.
Byrd.
Oh, there's no need to bother her, trevor.
Eh, it's ok.
She owes me.
I lent her your hedge clippers, And she never gave them back.
How inconsiderate.
Alf, what are you doing? Trevor will see you.
Chill out.
He's not here, kate-Ll rustler.
He got a call saying there was a package for him At the post office.
Could've been a crank call.
You called him, didn't you? I had to get him out of here.
Even for an hour! Raquel's saying stuff like She's never gonna take him back.
How do you know what raquel is saying? You crawl under people's Both: houses, you hear things.
[Doorbell rings.]
Alf What? You know what.
Yeah, willie, i know what.
But if i have to do it, The least you could do is say it.
Go to the kitchen.
Thank you.
Boy, have i got him trained.
[Knocking.]
kate? Willie? Oh, raquel, this is a pleasant surprise.
I hope this means that-- Yeah, don't get your hopes up, willie.
This is more of trevor's things.
Jake? Yo.
Just drop it anywhere.
[Sighs.]
Oh, that moose head seems awfully final.
It is final.
I saw trevor sneaking out Of the widow byrd's house this morning.
He couldn't even wait one day Before he started slumming it.
That--No.
He was--He was at the widow byrd's to borrow milk.
Raquel, hi.
What's going on? Moose head.
Oh, no.
Raquel saw trevor at mrs.
Byrd's.
It isn't enough that he's having a sordid affair, But he has to have it out in the open where anybody With a decent pair of binoculars can see.
Raquel, he just went over there to borrow some milk.
Well, since you've obviously taken his side, You can keep him.
Come on, jake.
You're the man of the house now.
Hey, does this mean i get to watch sports in my underwear? Hey, why didn't you guys tell me We were having moose tonight? I wouldn't have ruined my appetite.
Oh, lord.
Please tell us why You continue to place such ordinary people In such extraordinary situations.
[Alf burps.]
Never mind.
Hello, mr.
Littwhack? Uh, did you know that the ochmoneks are splitsville? Well, i care.
Quick question.
Can you put trevor up for a week? How about a night? Well, when is it scheduled to freeze over? [Knocking.]
Thank you very much for humiliating me In front of the entire neighborhood.
What do you mean, raquel? Calling everybody about trevor and me.
Just because i occasionally make Other people's business my business Doesn't mean my business is any of their business, So would you mind minding your own business? Well, i certainly didn't tell anyone.
I know kate wouldn't tell anyone.
You didn't tell anyone, did you, kate? Of course not.
Kate didn't tell anyone.
Well, somebody told the metcalfs, The polmanskis, the montenegros, The gans, the lustacuffs, The metgers, the fetgers, The schmitzkys, the kipkys, The feins, the steins, The limbecks, the willards, The logans, the hogans, and the kogans.
So the next time That you want to drag somebody's dirty laundry Through the suburban mud, Try your own.
Or better yet, mrs.
Holbuts.
She just had a nose job, you know.
* da da ta * What? Do these names ring a bell: The metcalfs, the polmanskis, The montenegros, the gans, The luskatuffs, the metzgers, The fetzgers, the schmitkys, The kipkys, the feins, the steins, The limbecks, the willards, The hogans, the logans, and the kogans? What was the question? Before i pull every hair out of your neck I want to ask you something.
Did you call those people And tell them about trevor and raquel? I decline to answer on the grounds That i need my neck hair.
You just mind your own business, alf! In other words, you disapprove of what i've done.
Wholeheartedly.
I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us, But what you're doing is just making things worse.
You're right, willie.
How could i have been so blind? You know, i've only been thinking of myself.
You're not just saying this Because of that neck hair business? No.
No, i mean it.
I've seen the error of my ways And will endeavor to do better.
Well Thank you.
No.
Thank you, willie.
Thank you.
Hello? Uh, i'd like to order some flowers For raquel ochmonek.
Willie, Did you know that there are 9,875 little dots On this ceiling? You counted them? No, i guessed.
Trevor: hey, tanner, you in there? Uh, yeah.
Just a second.
[Snapping fingers.]
[Knocking.]
I've had it.
I've had it.
I refuse to budge one inch.
[Knocking.]
Oh! Aah! I suppose you think you're clever.
What's the idea sending these flowers to my wife? Oh, what's the matter, trevor? Don't play innocent with me.
You thought by not sending a card, I wouldn't know who they were from.
Well, wait a minute.
If there was no card, What makes you think they were from me? I called the florist.
He said they were charged to your credit card.
Anybody who would spend 79.
95 On another man's wife, Plus tax and delivery, Is looking for trouble.
There must be-- Plus tax and delivery.
There must be some mistake.
Hey, turner, The only mistake i made was trusting you.
If i ever catch you near my wife again, I'm moving out of your house.
Is there a chance that you heard any of that? Well, i've heard enough.
Does kate know you have a thing for raquel? You sent those flowers, didn't you? Hey, i took a shot.
It obviously didn't work, But i've got another plan that's foolproof.
Stay out of this! [Shouting.]
entire-- [Normal tone.]
i'm just going now.
Uh, i'm going to try and straighten things out with trevor, And when i come back, we'll be talking neck hair.
Hi, alf.
Hi.
We gotta find a way to get my aunt and uncle back together.
Too late, jake.
I can't help ya.
I promised willie i'd stay out of it.
Fine.
Fine.
Just stand on the sidelines And watch me be packed off To live with another bunch of itinerant ochmoneks, Never to be heard from again.
Believe it or not, Aunt raquel and uncle trevor are the best of the lot.
Are you trying to con me into helping you? Is it workin'? Sorta.
What'll it take to put you over the top? Donuts.
What's your idea? You come up with donuts, I'll come up with the idea.
That's the deal.
Ok, now what's the idea? Give me another donut, and i'll tell ya.
Tell me first.
What are we doing in my aunt and uncle's bedroom? We're looking for a key to their romantic past, If any.
Are you sure raquel won't be back soon? She went to the beauty parlor.
'Nuff said.
Hey, nice digs.
I never realized your aunt and uncle had so much class.
Hey, there might be something romantic in here.
It's aunt raquel's jewelry box.
Aah! Turquoise alert! Turquoise alert! Put that away.
Ok, ok.
Just tell me what we're looking for.
I'll tell you when i find it.
I think i've found it.
A wad of paper? Yeah, yeah.
This is it.
[Pound.]
Raquel: jake, are you home? It's aunt raquel.
Look, you stay here, I'll get rid of her.
Fine.
Leave the donuts.
Uh, maybe you better hide, just in case.
Gotcha.
Oh, a piece of cheese.
[Whack.]
Never mind.
Aunt raquel, what happened to you? I went to the beauty parlor.
I hope you didn't leave a tip.
Mrs.
Byrd and i had a slight altercation.
That hussy was getting gussied up for my husband.
Heh.
You got in a fight with her? Ladies do not fight.
I simply suggested that she keep her meat hooks off of my man.
And if the manicurist hadn't pulled me off her, I might have gotten in a few more suggestions.
Uh, aunt raquel, where you goin'? Upstairs to rest.
Yeah, not on the bed, though.
Of course on the bed.
What is the matter with you? Uh, nothin'.
Nothin'.
I guess i'm just distraught.
You know, about you and uncle trevor.
Ah! I know it's painful, But we have to face the facts.
Trevor just does not understand me.
Trevor: raquel! Go away! I'm coming up.
You see what i mean? Everybody down.
What? The terrorist.
Where's the terrorist? What are you talking about? A concerned neighbor called And said you were being held hostage by a terrorist.
Do you see a terrorist in here? Fine.
Fine.
Sue me for worrying about ya.
Now have a nice life.
Alf: yo.
Yo what? Uh Yo--Yo this, i guess.
What is it? It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.
That's the poem that your uncle trevor wrote to me last year When we renewed our wedding vows.
Oh, uh, read it, aunt raquel.
"To raquel, "The most wonderful woman in the world.
"You're the meaning of my life.
"You're the inspiration.
"You bring meaning to my life.
"You're the inspiration.
"I want to have you near me.
"I want to have you hear me saying, No one needs you more than i need you.
" You threw that away? Don't you know how long it took me to write that? You didn't write that.
It's from a song by chicago.
I mean it took me a long time to write it down.
Do you think i'm stupid, trevor? I knew you didn't write this poem.
Why didn't you call me on it? Because it didn't matter.
What mattered was, is that you gave it to me.
Raquel, i meant every word i stole.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to tell you That i still love you, raquel.
More than arena football? Yeah.
Oh, i should know better than to try to change you.
Take me back, raquel, hmm? I--I promise i'll try not to be a slob.
Although in all fairness, You did know i was raised in a barn.
[Giggling.]
Whoa! What was that? [Stomping.]
ah! Leg cramp.
Uh, why don't we all go get uncle trevor's stuff? Good idea! Raquel I'll carry the moose head.
Whew! You can come out now, alf.
Oh, thanks.
You're a lifesaver.
You're more than a lifesaver.
You're a milk dud.
How'd you know about that poem anyway? Well, raquel was reading it to herself last night.
You crawl under people's houses Both: you hear things.
Ha ha! Alf: ah! Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, no, alf, these are for everyone.
Oh.
Ah-Choo! Actually, i'm in the mood for oatmeal.
I think i'm gonna get something at work.
I'm gonna have to change my shirt.
[Knocking.]
Who is it? It's mejake.
Oh, come on in, jake.
Joy.
That's twice my appetite's been killed.
Hey, morning, jake kiboody.
What brings you over? Aunt raquel and uncle trevor have been fighting again.
What was it about this time? Allow me.
Raquel thinks trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, And some other female paranoia nonsense.
Hey, you crawl under people's houses, You hear things.
lions gate home entertainment Jake, would you like to join us for breakfast? Whatcha havin'? Green eggs and ham.
Pass.
[Knocking.]
Man: hey, tanners, it's me! Oh, great.
Pig out-Us interrupt-Us.
Oh, g-- Come on in, trevor.
Oh, what's up? Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems.
Raquel just threw me out.
Oh, trevor, i'm sorry.
She called me a slob.
We know.
Hey, i didn't tell 'em.
Who did? Uh, i did.
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea That she doesn't love me anymore.
So are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, trevor? Ow! Uh, leg cramp.
I don't know where i'm gonna stay.
Do you know anybody That would kindly put me up for the night? Well Ow! You can stay here, trevor.
Oh, well, thanks.
Heh, i'll be right back.
Come on, jake.
Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.
Oh! Where does that freeloading sloth Get off crashing our party? I don't know, alf.
Why don't you have a sloth-To-Sloth talk with him? I can't believe it.
This makes 2 broken homes i've come from in one year.
I'm a jinx.
Oh, it's not your fault.
They've had fights before.
Why does mr.
Ochmonek have to stay here? Yeah.
Are there no work farms? Are there no prisons? Alf, try to be a little more sensitive.
I am sensitive.
I'm sensitive to the fact i'm looking at another stay In garage med.
Hide, alf.
He's coming back.
Uhh! I really appreciate this, kate.
Oh, don't mention it.
And don't worry.
I'm sure this'll all blow over In about a week or 2.
Trevor, when you asked If we could put you up for the night, We assumed you meant for the night.
That's another thing raquel hates about me-- I'm vague.
You can use brian's room.
He can double up with lynn.
No way! I'll take that deal.
No way! Hey, maybe you and willie can sleep in brian's room.
No way! [Rock music playing.]
* take a step back * * gonna move you nice and slow * * don't run and hide * * let it out * * shout! It's the way to go * Good morning, trevor! Oh, hi, kate.
Willie.
I hope my suburb blaster didn't wake you up.
No, no.
This was me and raquel's favorite song.
Boy, that sinatra could sing.
That sounds like pink floyd.
I know that, willie.
I was making Did you get enough to eat? Actually no.
All i could find was cereal.
When you guys have a midnight snack, You pull out all the stops.
Oh, you didn't do this? I did.
I had a craving last night.
For green pepper? They make me drowsy.
Well, i'd offer you a bowl of cereal, Except i used the last of the milk.
I'll just Go down to the store and get some.
Why do that? I'll just borrow some from mrs.
Byrd.
Oh, there's no need to bother her, trevor.
Eh, it's ok.
She owes me.
I lent her your hedge clippers, And she never gave them back.
How inconsiderate.
Alf, what are you doing? Trevor will see you.
Chill out.
He's not here, kate-Ll rustler.
He got a call saying there was a package for him At the post office.
Could've been a crank call.
You called him, didn't you? I had to get him out of here.
Even for an hour! Raquel's saying stuff like She's never gonna take him back.
How do you know what raquel is saying? You crawl under people's Both: houses, you hear things.
[Doorbell rings.]
Alf What? You know what.
Yeah, willie, i know what.
But if i have to do it, The least you could do is say it.
Go to the kitchen.
Thank you.
Boy, have i got him trained.
[Knocking.]
kate? Willie? Oh, raquel, this is a pleasant surprise.
I hope this means that-- Yeah, don't get your hopes up, willie.
This is more of trevor's things.
Jake? Yo.
Just drop it anywhere.
[Sighs.]
Oh, that moose head seems awfully final.
It is final.
I saw trevor sneaking out Of the widow byrd's house this morning.
He couldn't even wait one day Before he started slumming it.
That--No.
He was--He was at the widow byrd's to borrow milk.
Raquel, hi.
What's going on? Moose head.
Oh, no.
Raquel saw trevor at mrs.
Byrd's.
It isn't enough that he's having a sordid affair, But he has to have it out in the open where anybody With a decent pair of binoculars can see.
Raquel, he just went over there to borrow some milk.
Well, since you've obviously taken his side, You can keep him.
Come on, jake.
You're the man of the house now.
Hey, does this mean i get to watch sports in my underwear? Hey, why didn't you guys tell me We were having moose tonight? I wouldn't have ruined my appetite.
Oh, lord.
Please tell us why You continue to place such ordinary people In such extraordinary situations.
[Alf burps.]
Never mind.
Hello, mr.
Littwhack? Uh, did you know that the ochmoneks are splitsville? Well, i care.
Quick question.
Can you put trevor up for a week? How about a night? Well, when is it scheduled to freeze over? [Knocking.]
Thank you very much for humiliating me In front of the entire neighborhood.
What do you mean, raquel? Calling everybody about trevor and me.
Just because i occasionally make Other people's business my business Doesn't mean my business is any of their business, So would you mind minding your own business? Well, i certainly didn't tell anyone.
I know kate wouldn't tell anyone.
You didn't tell anyone, did you, kate? Of course not.
Kate didn't tell anyone.
Well, somebody told the metcalfs, The polmanskis, the montenegros, The gans, the lustacuffs, The metgers, the fetgers, The schmitzkys, the kipkys, The feins, the steins, The limbecks, the willards, The logans, the hogans, and the kogans.
So the next time That you want to drag somebody's dirty laundry Through the suburban mud, Try your own.
Or better yet, mrs.
Holbuts.
She just had a nose job, you know.
* da da ta * What? Do these names ring a bell: The metcalfs, the polmanskis, The montenegros, the gans, The luskatuffs, the metzgers, The fetzgers, the schmitkys, The kipkys, the feins, the steins, The limbecks, the willards, The hogans, the logans, and the kogans? What was the question? Before i pull every hair out of your neck I want to ask you something.
Did you call those people And tell them about trevor and raquel? I decline to answer on the grounds That i need my neck hair.
You just mind your own business, alf! In other words, you disapprove of what i've done.
Wholeheartedly.
I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us, But what you're doing is just making things worse.
You're right, willie.
How could i have been so blind? You know, i've only been thinking of myself.
You're not just saying this Because of that neck hair business? No.
No, i mean it.
I've seen the error of my ways And will endeavor to do better.
Well Thank you.
No.
Thank you, willie.
Thank you.
Hello? Uh, i'd like to order some flowers For raquel ochmonek.
Willie, Did you know that there are 9,875 little dots On this ceiling? You counted them? No, i guessed.
Trevor: hey, tanner, you in there? Uh, yeah.
Just a second.
[Snapping fingers.]
[Knocking.]
I've had it.
I've had it.
I refuse to budge one inch.
[Knocking.]
Oh! Aah! I suppose you think you're clever.
What's the idea sending these flowers to my wife? Oh, what's the matter, trevor? Don't play innocent with me.
You thought by not sending a card, I wouldn't know who they were from.
Well, wait a minute.
If there was no card, What makes you think they were from me? I called the florist.
He said they were charged to your credit card.
Anybody who would spend 79.
95 On another man's wife, Plus tax and delivery, Is looking for trouble.
There must be-- Plus tax and delivery.
There must be some mistake.
Hey, turner, The only mistake i made was trusting you.
If i ever catch you near my wife again, I'm moving out of your house.
Is there a chance that you heard any of that? Well, i've heard enough.
Does kate know you have a thing for raquel? You sent those flowers, didn't you? Hey, i took a shot.
It obviously didn't work, But i've got another plan that's foolproof.
Stay out of this! [Shouting.]
entire-- [Normal tone.]
i'm just going now.
Uh, i'm going to try and straighten things out with trevor, And when i come back, we'll be talking neck hair.
Hi, alf.
Hi.
We gotta find a way to get my aunt and uncle back together.
Too late, jake.
I can't help ya.
I promised willie i'd stay out of it.
Fine.
Fine.
Just stand on the sidelines And watch me be packed off To live with another bunch of itinerant ochmoneks, Never to be heard from again.
Believe it or not, Aunt raquel and uncle trevor are the best of the lot.
Are you trying to con me into helping you? Is it workin'? Sorta.
What'll it take to put you over the top? Donuts.
What's your idea? You come up with donuts, I'll come up with the idea.
That's the deal.
Ok, now what's the idea? Give me another donut, and i'll tell ya.
Tell me first.
What are we doing in my aunt and uncle's bedroom? We're looking for a key to their romantic past, If any.
Are you sure raquel won't be back soon? She went to the beauty parlor.
'Nuff said.
Hey, nice digs.
I never realized your aunt and uncle had so much class.
Hey, there might be something romantic in here.
It's aunt raquel's jewelry box.
Aah! Turquoise alert! Turquoise alert! Put that away.
Ok, ok.
Just tell me what we're looking for.
I'll tell you when i find it.
I think i've found it.
A wad of paper? Yeah, yeah.
This is it.
[Pound.]
Raquel: jake, are you home? It's aunt raquel.
Look, you stay here, I'll get rid of her.
Fine.
Leave the donuts.
Uh, maybe you better hide, just in case.
Gotcha.
Oh, a piece of cheese.
[Whack.]
Never mind.
Aunt raquel, what happened to you? I went to the beauty parlor.
I hope you didn't leave a tip.
Mrs.
Byrd and i had a slight altercation.
That hussy was getting gussied up for my husband.
Heh.
You got in a fight with her? Ladies do not fight.
I simply suggested that she keep her meat hooks off of my man.
And if the manicurist hadn't pulled me off her, I might have gotten in a few more suggestions.
Uh, aunt raquel, where you goin'? Upstairs to rest.
Yeah, not on the bed, though.
Of course on the bed.
What is the matter with you? Uh, nothin'.
Nothin'.
I guess i'm just distraught.
You know, about you and uncle trevor.
Ah! I know it's painful, But we have to face the facts.
Trevor just does not understand me.
Trevor: raquel! Go away! I'm coming up.
You see what i mean? Everybody down.
What? The terrorist.
Where's the terrorist? What are you talking about? A concerned neighbor called And said you were being held hostage by a terrorist.
Do you see a terrorist in here? Fine.
Fine.
Sue me for worrying about ya.
Now have a nice life.
Alf: yo.
Yo what? Uh Yo--Yo this, i guess.
What is it? It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.
That's the poem that your uncle trevor wrote to me last year When we renewed our wedding vows.
Oh, uh, read it, aunt raquel.
"To raquel, "The most wonderful woman in the world.
"You're the meaning of my life.
"You're the inspiration.
"You bring meaning to my life.
"You're the inspiration.
"I want to have you near me.
"I want to have you hear me saying, No one needs you more than i need you.
" You threw that away? Don't you know how long it took me to write that? You didn't write that.
It's from a song by chicago.
I mean it took me a long time to write it down.
Do you think i'm stupid, trevor? I knew you didn't write this poem.
Why didn't you call me on it? Because it didn't matter.
What mattered was, is that you gave it to me.
Raquel, i meant every word i stole.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to tell you That i still love you, raquel.
More than arena football? Yeah.
Oh, i should know better than to try to change you.
Take me back, raquel, hmm? I--I promise i'll try not to be a slob.
Although in all fairness, You did know i was raised in a barn.
[Giggling.]
Whoa! What was that? [Stomping.]
ah! Leg cramp.
Uh, why don't we all go get uncle trevor's stuff? Good idea! Raquel I'll carry the moose head.
Whew! You can come out now, alf.
Oh, thanks.
You're a lifesaver.
You're more than a lifesaver.
You're a milk dud.
How'd you know about that poem anyway? Well, raquel was reading it to herself last night.
You crawl under people's houses Both: you hear things.
Ha ha! Alf: ah! Ha ha ha ha!