ALF s03e04 Episode Script

Tonight, Tonight: Part 1

[Johnny's theme playing.]
Ed mcmahon: from hollywood, It's the tonight show, starring johnny carson! Johnny's guest host tonight is alf.
Join alf and his guests-- His holiness pope john paul ii, Dr.
Joyce brothers, And joan embery of the san diego zoo.
This is ed mcmahon along with tommy newsom and the nbc orchestra.
And now, here's alfie! [Cheering.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm alf, The answer to the burning question, "Who's the only nbc star with more hair than michael landon?" Yo, ed.
Nice to see you.
Welcome to the tonight show, alf.
Ed was missing last week.
So the cops put his picture on a 6-Pack of budweiser.
Ha! Ha! Oh! Oh! Also with us tonight Is mr.
Tommy newsom.
Hi, alf.
After the show tonight, Tommy and i are going to go out and paint the town beige.
I got the brush right here.
Good one, tom! You hang on to that.
Tommy's not dull.
He was just weaned on novocaine.
Well, i'm glad all of you could get in, 'Cause it sure was hot out there today.
All: how hot was it? What am i, a thermometer? Hey, we have a fabulous show for you tonight.
We've got joan embery, Joyce brothers, And a pope.
So stay tuned.
We'll be right back.
[Johnny's theme playing.]
lions gate home entertainment Uh, alf? Alf? Oh, we're back! Huh! Hi.
Uh, I guess it must be time for our spontaneous, unrehearsed banter.
You start.
Well, gee.
I-I don't know where to start.
Well, you know, i really enjoy you on that show Where they have all those mistakes and foul-Ups.
Oh, you mean bloopers and practical jokes.
Star search.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Well, your show is certainly a hit, alf.
I understand you brought some clips.
Would you like to set them up? I'd love to.
See, on my show, i play an alien life form.
It's a real stretch for me.
Watch the monitors.
[Imitates dog whining.]
[Imitates dog whining.]
Alf Why did you do that? Well, i could have licked your hand.
But i didn't think either of us would enjoy that.
What a strange family.
[Alf coughs.]
Now what do you want? Nothing.
I was just doing the heimlich maneuver on myself.
By the way, Don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.
Oh, you mean my soap on a rope.
Trust me on this one.
Well, now i guess we know all about your rise to stardom.
Every possible thing we could want to know about alf, You have now told us.
You are wrong, compensated spokesman-Breath.
You mean there's more? Yes.
In my quest for stardom, I was screen tested for roles too numerous to mention.
Ok, i'll mention them.
For example I did not get the role of obi-Wan kenobi In the movie star wars.
I did not get the lead in the f.
But i did get called back twice for the role of eleanor.
And i lost out to mcgruff the crime dog For the lead in sam spade gets spayed.
Those screen tests look suspiciously like Episodes of your show, alf.
My cup looks suspiciously empty, ed.
Ok, i'll-- I'll get you a refill.
Thank you.
And while you're gone, I'll show some clips of just how versatile a performer i am.
You folks, watch the monitors.
What about the pope? He can watch, too.
Roll the tape.
Hit the music, will you? I'm going to watch dance fever.
[Disco music playing.]
Yeah, go feverettes! Alf, i thought we agreed That you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.
We agreed i would stop impersonating the cast of green acres.
Although [Southern accent.]
Haney could have sold brian Some revivifying potion Out of the back of his truck.
I'm sorry it took so long-- Alf? Alf? Al-- I'm not alf.
I am melmac the magnificent.
Oh, no.
That's johnny's turban.
Nobody wears johnny's turban.
Look again, banana number 2.
I hold in my hands these envelopes.
And without ever having seen the questions, I, in my mystical and borderline tasteful way, Will define the answers.
Where are the answers? They're in the desk, but johnny's supposed To do those tomorrow night.
So, who's stopping him? Ohh.
Red square.
Alf, look, uh-- Red square.
What do you call that blotch on gorbachev's head? Red square.
Red square.
Junk bonds.
Junk bonds.
What do you call the last 3 007 movies? Junk bonds.
What's the message on mother teresa's answering machine? St.
Cat on a hot tin roof.
Cat on a hot tin roof.
Cat-- Both: on a hot tin roof.
Name a tv dinner on melmac.
Ha! Ha! Wrote that one myself! I hold in my hand the last envelope.
May an alien from a distant planet Invade your living room every monday night at 8:00, 7:00 central.
Goodyear, bonzo, and bush.
Goodyear, bonzo-- Both: and bush.
Name a blimp, a chimp, and a wimp.
Oh, hey, ed.
Here, i had to take a few tucks in this turban.
You might want to have it fixed before johnny gets back.
Oh, boy.
There's more to come, so stay tuned.
Think you can fix it? I don't know.
Oh, i don't know, alf.
You don't really explain how you do it, You just do it.
It's like breathing.
Oh, come on! Teach me.
Well, it only works if it's spontaneous.
Just do a little one.
Well, let me get this right-- Is the accent on the hi or the oh? Alf-- Hi-Oh! You really should bring out our first guest.
Boy, ed.
You're a real slave to tradition.
We are honored that our first guest has chosen this show On which to make a rare television appearance.
The spiritual leader of millions worldwide, Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dr.
Joyce brothers.
Alf! You should bring out the pope first.
Who's hosting here, ed? I'm waiting.
You are, alf.
Joyce, haul it out here! Hello, alf.
It's very nice to meet you.
What happened to your accent? What accent? Who are you? I'm dr.
Joyce brothers.
Oh, no! I got you mixed up with dr.
Huh! I'm sure it happens all the time.
It's never happened before.
Did you bring any clips to show us? I'm a psychologist.
I don't have any clips.
Well, you're in luck.
I brought a few extra.
Watch the monitors.
Well, the week is over, as far as i'm concerned.
I'm going to have a plain old orange.
Willie, i don't think that i can make it till sundown.
Why don't we go away for the day? Good idea.
Oh, come on, that's silly.
Now, why don't we just tell alf that he's won? Well, i'm for that.
You've won.
Won, ma'am? The bet is off.
You can turn in your whisk broom and your phony accent And let out a big burp, And let's get on with it.
What? What? What? What are you doing? Well, i was sleeping till you woke me up.
Well, since when do you sleep standing up? Since i started sleeping with that box on my head.
You look ridiculous.
Well, not everyone sleeps like you-- Mouth open, Drooling on the pillow.
Hey, lynn! You want to take over for willie? Ok.
Your move.
So, doc, what did you think? Well, judging from those clips, I think you have a little trouble Meshing with the family unit.
Oh, yeah? So's your grandmother.
That's a rather defensive attitude, alf.
Are you afraid to face a realistic assessment of your-- * i can't hear you * * i'm not even listening * * i'm the guest host * *you are just a guest * Maybe i'd better come back at another time.
I'm sorry.
Why? Do you feel threatened when prevented From espousing tenets of your so-Called profession, Possibly revealing a lack of maturity on your part? So's your grandmother.
Way to go, alf.
Joyce brothers' been coming on this show for 25 years, And that's the first time she walked off.
Well, what did i do? She's the one who forgot to bring clips.
Here comes the producer.
Oh, hi, freddy.
It's fred de cordova, executive producer of the tonight show.
Alf, uh Pope john paul.
Fred, john paul jones.
Your turn.
Um, there is a logical sequence By which we bring out guests on this show.
World religious leaders, Doctors, Uh, people from zoos.
So what? Well, if you'll read your contract, If you don't do it our way, You don't get paid.
Ladies and gentlemen, His holiness pope john paul ii.
[Organ playing ave maria.]
So, what's the deal? His holiness is in the restroom.
He drank a lot of coffee waiting to come on.
So now what are we going to do? You could bring out another one of your guests.
All right, all right.
Send out whoever you got back there.
Hi, joan.
Welcome to the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joan embery of the san diego zoo.
Oh, joan, You didn't have to bring me a snack.
This is felis catus, a domestic house cat.
[Smacks lips.]
my favorite! You know, i had planned on bringing A reticulated python, But somebody let him go and put this cat in his cage.
It was probably the pope.
He's been hanging around backstage all night.
The pope told me you did it.
Hey, who you going to believe, Me or the pope? Did you bring any clips? Clips? No, i brought a snake! Well, i have a few clips i think you might enjoy.
Roll 'em.
One minute to go, luckmeister.
Then i'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
[Bell rings.]
The duck al'orange is ready.
Have some wine.
It'll slow down your reflexes.
All right.
Hold still, lucky.
[Lucky meows.]
I'll be off your back in a minute.
Whoa! [Howls.]
The only good cat is a stir-Fried cat.
Did you ever hear the expression "Curiosity killed the cat"? Yeah.
It's usually followed by the expression "Pass the plum sauce.
" What is cat juice? Well, it's just like orange juice.
But instead of squeezing the juice out of an orange, You squeeze the juice out of a-- I don't want to hear it.
Then cover your ears.
I heard it.
You were warned.
Too rough? You're awful.
Hey, joan, relax.
I haven't eaten a single cat since i've been here.
They've all been married! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ahh! I'm reporting you to the a.
Oh, just what i need-- Union problems.
Nice going, alf.
You're 2 for 2.
Why don't you get the pope out here and try for a shut-Out? Ha! Good one, driver's ed! Ha ha! [Crash.]
You broke johnny's cup.
Hey, that's nothing.
You should see what i did to his dressing room.
Oh, great.
It's fred with a phone.
Don't you have an office, man? There's a phone call for you.
Can't you take a message? It's mr.
Tell him i'm not here.
We'll be right back after these messages.
So, johnny, have you been watching the show? Yeah? What do you think? All right, all right, i'm sorry i broke your cup.
Look, johnny, i'd love to keep talking, But you know what it's like here in the big chair.
Yeah, gotta keep things moving.
Hey, after i'm done, why don't i come over And we'll hit the hot tub together? Hello? Hello? Boy, you are in big trouble, mister.
Oh, hey, this isn't trouble.
I'll show you trouble.
Bobby, roll the clip marked "trouble.
" Here, hold this willie.
What is it? Oh, that's just nuclear waste From my space ship.
Oh, hey, don't worry.
Life on this planet will exist As long as that little lid doesn't pop off.
Oh, wait.
These are my crayons.
Just tell us why you did it.
It was willie's idea.
What?! Don't try to worm your way out of this one.
You said we'd build a lagoon.
I said we'd build a little lagoon, Not the great tanner reef! Ok, ok, i misunderstood.
I'm sorry.
I made a boo-Boo.
A boo-Boo? Say, What are you doing here? Greeting the guests.
Hey, tex, looks like you're putting on A little weight there, huh? Ha! Ha! Ha! Could i speak with you in the kitchen, just for a moment? Hey, not now, willie.
Your pumpkin's on fire! Ha! His pumpkin's on fire! Come here.
Well, who is this little guy? This is gordon, everyone.
Gordon's an old friend of our family.
Bernice, don't mention his height.
He's very sensitive.
Hey, cowgirl, nice calves! Ha! Nice calves! Ha! Ha! Yah! Unh! A picture's worth That picture was worth $1,000.
Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.
I am tired of your breaking things.
If this happens one more time, You will be living in the garage.
From now on, i'll treat this house as it if were my own.
Treat it as if it were my house, And don't break anything.
Cheap frame.
Well, i guess it can be repaired.
Alf: heads up! [Hiccups.]
[1812 overture playing.]
No problem.
Ahh! Ohh! [Engine cranks.]
You! Stop! [Sighs.]
Well, i guess we'll have to order in.
Hey, that was great! Let's show it again.
Let's not.
Well, i've got a better idea.
You think you can hold down the fort for a minute? I guess i could fill time With one of my live commercials.
Ed, ed.
This shameless self-Promotion does not become you.
I know-- I'll show a clip.
While i leave the room, you folks watch These scenes of me leaving the room.
[Doorbell rings.]
Alf, hide in the kitchen.
You know, if you weren't Always sending me to the kitchen, I might not eat so much.
Alf, please, please? Well, no wonder willie's pants don't fit me anymore.
[Doorbell rings.]
Alf, hide in the kitchen.
Just call me pavlov's alien.
[Doorbell rings.]
Alf, go into the kitchen.
"Go into the kitchen.
Go into the kitchen.
" As a woman, you should be sensitive To the demeaning undertones in that remark.
Now! You're betraying your sisters.
[Doorbell rings.]
Man: hey, tanners! It's us! Alf, kitchen.
No problem.
I'll call a cab.
You will walk.
One day, i'll walk into that kitchen, And keep right on walking.
ow! [Sighs.]
[Doorbell rings.]
All: alf, hide in the kitchen.
Oh! We're back, apparently.
What happened to the pushy furball? Who cares? At least he's gone.
Alf: yo! Point those cameras over here.
Oh, no.
Not that.
Friends, Are you getting too fat for things you used to fit in, Like your house? When you get on the scale, does it say, "Get off the elephant first"? Does your sunken chest appear on pirate treasure maps? Then come to our health club At pecs 'r' us, we'll tone up your muscles While we slim down your wallet.
At pecs 'r' us, you'll build your biceps Banging on our door for a refund.
Yes, friends, we've got barbells and dumbbells, And speaking of dumbbells, Here's our own matinee lady.
I go to pecs 'r' us and work up a sweat.
Oh, you work up a sweat Reading the instructions on a stop sign.
Friends, you say you want to pump iron? Well, come to pecs 'r' us.
You can start by pressing my shorts.
Ha! We also sell vitamins, So you can choose between "a," "b," "c," "d," and "e.
" I prefer "e.
" No, you can't even spell "e.
" Friends, if you want to join pecs 'r' us, Come on down to our main office.
How do you get there? Hmm! You take the golden state freeway to the ventura freeway, To the san diego freeway till you come to the slauson cut-Off.
Get out of your car, cut off your slauson, Get back in your car, Then drive 9 more miles to the neon sign That says "steroids on tap.
" That's our main office.
Uh, take that out of my check.
Man: consider it done.
Well, uh--And now, back to our movie-- Gene barry, barry nelson, nelson eddy, eddie albert And gotcha the wonder goose In minnie tells mickey that roger rabbit died.
So, how'd you like the bit? I hope it's as funny when johnny does it on friday.
How could it be? He doesn't have my delivery.
And he doesn't have the pointer anymore.
I know, let's talk about that planet you came from.
What's it called, tarmac? Melmac.
And by fortunate coincidence, It's the subject of my next fascinating set of clips.
Mind if i show them, edopus? Clips.
Sounds like a nice change of pace.
I say we fight violence with violence.
That's how we solve things back home.
But alf, don't you remember What happened to your planet? Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust.
Why? Don't you see the connection? What connection? I give up.
Me too.
I'm gonna lie down.
My head is spinning.
What are you guys doing? Trading bouilabaseball cards.
What's bouilabaseball? It's baseball on melmac.
Instead of a ball, they throw fish guts.
Fish parts.
The guts are sold at the concession stand.
Jake may have some problems, But he's not going to be sent to prison.
Yeah? Tell that to my cousin, "Pretty boy" shumway.
He grew up on the south side of melmac, The baddest part of the planet.
If he didn't like your shoes-- [Imitates tommy gun.]
Do you mean he'd shoot a person Just because he didn't like his shoes? No, he'd just point at them and go-- [Imitates tommy gun.]
Where's lizard taking you? Out to a science fiction movie.
Something about this guy being shrunk And then injected into someone else.
Well, that's not science fiction.
A friend of mine did that once.
He took a wrong turn, And got stuck in the guy's nose.
I'd rather get beat up than be called a snitch.
Yeah, that's the worst.
On melmac, some guy called me a snitch Just because i turned him in to the secret police.
Oh, no.
Oh-- [Hiccups.]
You're the first humans Who've ever heard the dreaded melmackian hiccups.
What is it that makes them so dreaded, Besides that irritating, metallic echo? That irritating, metallic echo Gets louder and louder.
Day by day, Week by week, Year by--[Hiccups.]
[Also sprach zarathustra playing.]
There are many things in this universe you're not meant to understand.
Now, that doesn't mean they're not real.
I'm real.
And whether other people believe you or not, You know i'm real.
Thank you.
[Stereo clicks off.]
Let me ask you something.
Why are you wearing all those utensils? Uh, that's one of the things You're not supposed to understand.
Uh, here's another one-- You should set a couple of pumpkin pies Out on your back porch once a week And never question why they disappear.
Uh, twice a week.
So, what do you think? I think johnny will never speak to me again.
Hey, hey, relax.
If johnny's going to be mad at anybody, it'll be fred, Booking all those unprepared guests.
Speaking of guests, his holiness john paul is back.
Let's bring him out.
[Ave maria playing.]
Just as soon as i show these clips.
Roll 'em! [Choir music playing.]
I hear you're looking for a few good monks.
Oh, howdy, raquel.
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! [Indistinct music on tv.]
Care for a cookie? All right, after your nap.
Ahh! Alf, are you all right? Oh, yeah.
Everything's fine.
Why-- Why do you have those clothespins attached to your head? It's a form of acupressure.
On melmac, we use it to relieve writer's block.
Let's see.
Which was the button for a cheeseburger? Uh [Beeps.]
ahh! Hey, you, come here.
Yes? How did you get out of your cage? I work here.
Uh, look.
I'll give you 5 bucks if you let me out of this cage.
while i'm out.
Hey, you guys want some beans? I do! I do! Ahh! A loose kangaroo! Ahh! [Whistle blows.]
Headache? You certainly are.
Whoa! The natives are restless! Hey, ladies and gentlemen, it's rich little! Hi, ed.
What the heck are you doing here? Well, i'm here to guest host the tonight show.
What a coincidence-- So am i.
Not for long.
I just got a call from johnny.
Um, what did my close, personal friend johnny say? He said, and i quote-- [Imitating johnny carson.]
uh, ha ha ha! Get over there and 86 that troublemaking buffoon.
Yeah? Well, if ed goes, i go.
No, no, no, no.
He meant you, alf.
Listen, You've got a major religious leader backstage, You've turned this whole thing Into a commercial for your show-- Well, hey, you know, If big john wants me to step aside And let you show your clips, so be it.
I didn't bring any clips.
In that case-- Hey, bobby, roll my final clip, The one i like to call "alf and remembrance.
" I was going to faint, but i think i made my point.
Too bad we didn't buy it.
You didn't? [Gasps.]
Alf, you fainted on a snail.
Now, the trick here is to concentrate all your energy, And let it explode in a blinding flash of destruction.
Hee-Yah! All right! Well, that never worked before.
Do it again.
Hee-Yah! I guess there's only pain When you don't break the board.
Unbelievable pain.
Let me tuck you in.
There you go.
Thanks, alf.
You're a good friend.
Hey, anything for my willie.
You want me to press my lips up against your forehead? Ahh! Excuse me, kate, i'm off to south dakota.
I've got a rendezvous with history.
[Patriotic music playing.]
Alf, why don't you try holding your breath again? That should work.
Body block! Ha! Ha! We'll be right back after this commercial.
I hope it's a promo for my show.
Well, let's put it to a vote.
Was this the best tonight show ever? [Audience applauds.]
I abstain.
And i demand a recount.
And i'd like to thank my guests-- Dr.
Joyce brothers, Joan embery of the san diego zoo, And his holiness pope-- Oh, oh, i never brought out the pope! You've got 30 seconds.
Ladies and gentlemen his holiness pope john paul ii.
[Ave maria playing.]
I'd like to thank my guests--Joyce, joan, And, of course, pope.
Uh, johnny, sorry about your cup and your dressing room, Uh, and the limo.
Did i say limo? Ha! That wasn't me, just the first 2.
Good night, everybody! How'd he get those whites so white?