ALF s03e06 Episode Script
Promises, Promises
And i get Quidnunc? All: challenge! You've never heard quidnunc? It's probably melmackian.
So? Well, you can't use melmackian words, alf.
It's here.
You're kidding.
Quidnunc-- One who enjoys gossip.
Really? On melmack it means one who wears meat.
And it's my turn again.
Brian: quidnuncle? It's a relative who wears meat.
All: challenge! Rats! Brian, your hamster flew the coop again.
He's sleeping in my left reebok.
I'll get him.
[Car horn honks.]
Have fun everyone.
Well, say hello to julie for us.
Eddie.
Who's eddie? Have we met eddie? Well, no, of course not.
I mean, this is only our second date, If you could even call it a date, which i wouldn't-- Is there some reason we shouldn't meet this bozo? He is not a bozo.
[Doorbell rings.]
Send in the clown.
Listen, i'll introduce eddie another time.
Or you could bring him in right now.
Or i could bring him in right now.
Mom, dad-- This is eddie.
Hello, how are you? [Alf imitates circus music.]
lions gate home entertainment Well, nice to meet you, eddie.
Well, it's nice to meet you, too.
This is some great house.
Good bones.
Bones? Eddie was a graduate student In architecture.
Oh, what year was that? Let's see, that was just before I started teaching.
Eddie taught history for a while.
And lived a good deal of it, i believe.
Where did you meet, um Lynn.
Lynn.
I autographed a book for her at the mall.
Oh, you're a writer.
No.
Actually, i'm what they call A substitute novelist.
What i do is this-- I sign books for authors When they're too busy.
Shall i show you? By all means.
Good luck--Lee iacoca.
I believe there's another "c" in iacocca.
Yes.
Well, usually i have the name right in front of me.
Speaking of names, eddie, I didn't catch your last one.
He doesn't have one.
Really? Well, i used to have one, of course.
Um, that's a relief.
I dropped it a while back.
I couldn't see what purpose it served.
Did you discuss this decision With your mailman? Mailman.
Ha ha ha! I love a guy with a sense of humor.
Would anyone like a soda? Absolutely.
Diet, caffeine free, thank you so much.
Lynn, would you help me, please? Help you get one soda? Fine.
Excuse me.
Well, that's quite a girl you've got there.
We always thought so.
Ever since the day she was born.
Barely 18 years ago.
Let me get right to the point.
He's too old for you.
I knew you'd overreact.
I am not--Ahem I am not overreacting.
Let me take a look at this dude.
Yikes! He's almost as old as kate! Thanks a lot, alf.
You may have a moment of privacy To tell mr.
Iacocca you won't be seeing him again.
Unless it's for senior's night at the sizzler.
Mom, can i borrow your black shoulder bag? Mm.
It's in my closet.
Thanks.
Oh, sure.
It's ok for her to borrow it.
She seems to have gotten over that eddie guy Pretty quickly.
You know how girls are at this age.
Now she's really attached to this new boy randy.
Not that he's not nice.
He's a moron.
He's not A moron.
He's got no neck.
The fact that he's muscular Doesn't mean he's stupid.
No.
That fact that he's a cretin Means he's stupid.
[Doorbell rings.]
Although he did manage to find the doorbell.
Lynn: dad, will you let randy in? And hurry up before he forgets why he's here.
Hi, randy.
Hey.
Come on in, lynn will be right out.
'Kay.
I meant way in, randy.
Way, way over here.
Over to the couch.
'Kay.
So, how are things going with the football team? 'Kay.
Uh, what position do you play again? Center.
Well, that's where the action is, Right--Right in the middle.
Uh-Huh.
Would you like some peanuts? Hi, randy, how are you? 'Kay.
What were you guys talking about? Oh, just guy stuff.
So where are you kids going tonight? We're going to kathy berry's house.
And we're late, so shall we? What? Leave.
'Kay.
Don't be too late, honey.
I won't.
Night.
He is a moron.
Peanuts! Would you like some? [Imitating randy.]
'kay.
Man on television: and now back to our creature feature, Aliens, starring sigourney weaver.
No! Don't go back for that stupid cat! This is no time for a snack.
[Car door closes.]
Thanks.
I had fun watching you work.
You must get writer's cramp.
You know, i had no idea that donald tramp's book Was quite so popular.
Well Good night.
I really had a nice time.
Until tomorrow.
Good night.
Alf, you scared me.
What are you doing? What am i doing? What are you doing? What happened to randy? That wasn't randy, that was Someone else.
Yeah.
Someone who looks Like a certain aging substitute novelist Who shall remain last-Nameless.
Ok, so it was eddie.
He just happened to be at the party, see-- Yeah, yeah, and i just fell off the garbanzo truck.
Come on.
This is the old alfer.
What gives? I haven't really been dating randy.
I've only been tutoring him for an hour In english each night And then going to meet eddie.
An hour a night? That's barely enough time for randy To turn his book right side up.
Alf, please, don't tell mom and dad About this yet, ok? I know they'll like eddie.
They just need some time to adjust.
Don't tell them? You want me to lie? No! No, you don't have to lie.
Just don't bring it up.
That's not lying.
Egad! What a loophole.
It's not like i'm never going to tell them.
I just--I need to wait for the right moment.
You know, like when they're in a really, really good mood.
Yeah, well, let me know when that happens.
And i'll tell them about the untimely demise Of kate's porcelain ballerina.
You broke mom's porcelain ballerina? Yeah.
We were dancing the pas de duex from swan lake, And i dropped her in the toilet.
Oh, hello, randy.
Hey.
Where's lynn? Huh? Our daughter lynn.
Isn't she with you? No.
She said she was going over to your house.
Oh.
'Kay.
What's going on? Ahh, i don't know.
You think there could've been a mix up between them? Well, honey, if it was just a mix up, She'd be home by now or call at least.
Well, what do you think? You think i should go look for her? Well, honey, where would you look? Who knows where she could've gone? Ahh, you know it's not like lynn To change her plans and not call us.
Wait a minute.
You're getting carried away.
Lynn's just fine.
How do you know? I can't tell you.
I said i wouldn't tell you.
Tell us what? That lynn's seeing eddie.
Eddie? You tricked me! She's been lying to us.
Not exactly.
It's a loophole.
I can't believe that lynn would do something like this.
Well, look at the bright side.
At least she's dating a guy with a neck.
Hi, everyone.
You're grounded, lady.
What for? Eddie.
Miss lynn tanner.
Paging miss lynn tanner.
Go away.
I've just gotta get a message to you.
I don't want any messages from you.
It's not from me.
I'm just the bellhop.
It's from a friend of yours.
"It's not what you think.
"I'm really not a fink.
"You're the last person i'd hurt.
"I didn't mean to blurt It out.
" I've got a message for my so-Called friend-- Friends don't rat on friends! Guess this means no tip.
[Out of tune melody plays.]
Close enough.
* i'm under your window * * with my guitar * * singing you this * * small ditty * * please, don't be mad at me anymore * * have i mentioned i think you're pretty? * * i-Yi-Yi-Yi * * i'm really sorry * * somebody just threw a blanket on me * * that's why i'm suffocating * I take it there's been no d?Tente.
No d?Tente, No glasnost, No perestroika, No nuttin'.
Stop torturing yourself, alf.
She'll come around.
What did do that was so wrong? You didn't do anything wrong, Which is something i never thought i would say.
But it was lynn Who lied.
You know, willie, lynn's little subterfuge Wasn't all that terrible.
I was dating willie for 6 months Before i told my parents about it.
How come? Oh, willie didn't have any money, And he didn't have a job, and He was already dating my sister.
[Telephone rings.]
I'll get it.
He dated your sister? Hello? The hideous one? I'm afraid there's been a little misunderstanding.
Would you please cancel that order? Thank you so much.
Good-Bye.
That was the jewelry store.
You really dated kate's sister? Apparently somebody placed an order In our name.
The hideous one? [Imitating eddie.]
must've been a little mix up.
Funny how 2 children from the same parents-- A $15,000 diamond bracelet! I ordered it for lynn.
Nothing else was working.
All right.
That settles it.
Lynn! We'll gonna settle this thing out Once and for all.
All right.
But i want to get back to this sister thing.
Yes, father? Hello, mother.
Lynn I want you to speak to alf.
Civilly, please.
Alf who? Speak to him, Or have your telephone privileges taken away.
You want me to speak to him? Fine, i'll speak to him.
Have you told mom yet that you broke Her ballerina? [Gasps.]
My ballerina? You squealer! My porcelain ballerina? That was supposed to be a secret.
My wedding present porcelain ballerina? Well, you told my secret first.
But that just slipped out.
My original, One of a kind, Impossible to duplicate Porcelain ballerina? Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds When you say it over and over? Ballerina, Ballerina, Ballerina, All right, everyone, stop, cease, desist.
I want you to apologize to each other, And i want you to put all of this behind us.
Fine.
Lynn, go to your room.
You, go to the garage.
Fine.
Kate, I'm sorry i broke your wedding present.
I was going to tell you.
Really? When? I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.
Don't just barge in here.
Knock when you come into my room.
Alf's leaving because of you! What are you talking about? He can't leave.
He's fixing his spaceship right now.
Don't be such a baby.
He's always saying he can't fix that ship.
You're the baby.
You won't even talk to him! Why don't you grow up? Brian, wait! Don't cry.
Ahem.
What're you doing? Nothing much.
Just some delicate, precision spot welding.
What's that smell? Burnt fur.
Brian says you're leaving.
Yep, just as soon as i calibrate The gyroscopic guidance system.
Done.
Well, just because we're not getting along Doesn't mean you have to leave.
That so? Of course not.
I mean, everybody else wants you to stay.
What about you? I don't mind if you stay.
Well, i can't stay with you mad at me, So i'm going.
But, alf-- And don't worry about me! You'll forget about me soon enough.
Oh, alf, please don't say that.
I don't want you to go.
Do you mean it? Of course i mean it.
I'm sorry i told mom about the ballerina, But i was just so mad at you! Will you forgive me? You were mad, And i was irresponsible.
I'd say we're even.
Nope.
I was the irresponsible one.
All right.
So you owe me.
Are we friends again? Yeah.
I guess i can stop working on this.
Oh, you couldn't fix that thing anyway, could you? Maybe! That's a lie, isn't it? It's a loophole.
This glue is empty.
I vaguely recall using it as a yogurt topping.
How's the ballerina coming? Needs glue.
Oh, alf, Did you order this? Breakfast at tiffany's.
Sounds like something i'd order.
Oh, look! It's inscribed! "Dear willie and kate, "Sorry if i caused you any trouble.
"I wouldn't have dated your daughter "If i'd known you didn't approve.
"Please accept this as a token of my friendship.
Signed, truman capote.
"
So? Well, you can't use melmackian words, alf.
It's here.
You're kidding.
Quidnunc-- One who enjoys gossip.
Really? On melmack it means one who wears meat.
And it's my turn again.
Brian: quidnuncle? It's a relative who wears meat.
All: challenge! Rats! Brian, your hamster flew the coop again.
He's sleeping in my left reebok.
I'll get him.
[Car horn honks.]
Have fun everyone.
Well, say hello to julie for us.
Eddie.
Who's eddie? Have we met eddie? Well, no, of course not.
I mean, this is only our second date, If you could even call it a date, which i wouldn't-- Is there some reason we shouldn't meet this bozo? He is not a bozo.
[Doorbell rings.]
Send in the clown.
Listen, i'll introduce eddie another time.
Or you could bring him in right now.
Or i could bring him in right now.
Mom, dad-- This is eddie.
Hello, how are you? [Alf imitates circus music.]
lions gate home entertainment Well, nice to meet you, eddie.
Well, it's nice to meet you, too.
This is some great house.
Good bones.
Bones? Eddie was a graduate student In architecture.
Oh, what year was that? Let's see, that was just before I started teaching.
Eddie taught history for a while.
And lived a good deal of it, i believe.
Where did you meet, um Lynn.
Lynn.
I autographed a book for her at the mall.
Oh, you're a writer.
No.
Actually, i'm what they call A substitute novelist.
What i do is this-- I sign books for authors When they're too busy.
Shall i show you? By all means.
Good luck--Lee iacoca.
I believe there's another "c" in iacocca.
Yes.
Well, usually i have the name right in front of me.
Speaking of names, eddie, I didn't catch your last one.
He doesn't have one.
Really? Well, i used to have one, of course.
Um, that's a relief.
I dropped it a while back.
I couldn't see what purpose it served.
Did you discuss this decision With your mailman? Mailman.
Ha ha ha! I love a guy with a sense of humor.
Would anyone like a soda? Absolutely.
Diet, caffeine free, thank you so much.
Lynn, would you help me, please? Help you get one soda? Fine.
Excuse me.
Well, that's quite a girl you've got there.
We always thought so.
Ever since the day she was born.
Barely 18 years ago.
Let me get right to the point.
He's too old for you.
I knew you'd overreact.
I am not--Ahem I am not overreacting.
Let me take a look at this dude.
Yikes! He's almost as old as kate! Thanks a lot, alf.
You may have a moment of privacy To tell mr.
Iacocca you won't be seeing him again.
Unless it's for senior's night at the sizzler.
Mom, can i borrow your black shoulder bag? Mm.
It's in my closet.
Thanks.
Oh, sure.
It's ok for her to borrow it.
She seems to have gotten over that eddie guy Pretty quickly.
You know how girls are at this age.
Now she's really attached to this new boy randy.
Not that he's not nice.
He's a moron.
He's not A moron.
He's got no neck.
The fact that he's muscular Doesn't mean he's stupid.
No.
That fact that he's a cretin Means he's stupid.
[Doorbell rings.]
Although he did manage to find the doorbell.
Lynn: dad, will you let randy in? And hurry up before he forgets why he's here.
Hi, randy.
Hey.
Come on in, lynn will be right out.
'Kay.
I meant way in, randy.
Way, way over here.
Over to the couch.
'Kay.
So, how are things going with the football team? 'Kay.
Uh, what position do you play again? Center.
Well, that's where the action is, Right--Right in the middle.
Uh-Huh.
Would you like some peanuts? Hi, randy, how are you? 'Kay.
What were you guys talking about? Oh, just guy stuff.
So where are you kids going tonight? We're going to kathy berry's house.
And we're late, so shall we? What? Leave.
'Kay.
Don't be too late, honey.
I won't.
Night.
He is a moron.
Peanuts! Would you like some? [Imitating randy.]
'kay.
Man on television: and now back to our creature feature, Aliens, starring sigourney weaver.
No! Don't go back for that stupid cat! This is no time for a snack.
[Car door closes.]
Thanks.
I had fun watching you work.
You must get writer's cramp.
You know, i had no idea that donald tramp's book Was quite so popular.
Well Good night.
I really had a nice time.
Until tomorrow.
Good night.
Alf, you scared me.
What are you doing? What am i doing? What are you doing? What happened to randy? That wasn't randy, that was Someone else.
Yeah.
Someone who looks Like a certain aging substitute novelist Who shall remain last-Nameless.
Ok, so it was eddie.
He just happened to be at the party, see-- Yeah, yeah, and i just fell off the garbanzo truck.
Come on.
This is the old alfer.
What gives? I haven't really been dating randy.
I've only been tutoring him for an hour In english each night And then going to meet eddie.
An hour a night? That's barely enough time for randy To turn his book right side up.
Alf, please, don't tell mom and dad About this yet, ok? I know they'll like eddie.
They just need some time to adjust.
Don't tell them? You want me to lie? No! No, you don't have to lie.
Just don't bring it up.
That's not lying.
Egad! What a loophole.
It's not like i'm never going to tell them.
I just--I need to wait for the right moment.
You know, like when they're in a really, really good mood.
Yeah, well, let me know when that happens.
And i'll tell them about the untimely demise Of kate's porcelain ballerina.
You broke mom's porcelain ballerina? Yeah.
We were dancing the pas de duex from swan lake, And i dropped her in the toilet.
Oh, hello, randy.
Hey.
Where's lynn? Huh? Our daughter lynn.
Isn't she with you? No.
She said she was going over to your house.
Oh.
'Kay.
What's going on? Ahh, i don't know.
You think there could've been a mix up between them? Well, honey, if it was just a mix up, She'd be home by now or call at least.
Well, what do you think? You think i should go look for her? Well, honey, where would you look? Who knows where she could've gone? Ahh, you know it's not like lynn To change her plans and not call us.
Wait a minute.
You're getting carried away.
Lynn's just fine.
How do you know? I can't tell you.
I said i wouldn't tell you.
Tell us what? That lynn's seeing eddie.
Eddie? You tricked me! She's been lying to us.
Not exactly.
It's a loophole.
I can't believe that lynn would do something like this.
Well, look at the bright side.
At least she's dating a guy with a neck.
Hi, everyone.
You're grounded, lady.
What for? Eddie.
Miss lynn tanner.
Paging miss lynn tanner.
Go away.
I've just gotta get a message to you.
I don't want any messages from you.
It's not from me.
I'm just the bellhop.
It's from a friend of yours.
"It's not what you think.
"I'm really not a fink.
"You're the last person i'd hurt.
"I didn't mean to blurt It out.
" I've got a message for my so-Called friend-- Friends don't rat on friends! Guess this means no tip.
[Out of tune melody plays.]
Close enough.
* i'm under your window * * with my guitar * * singing you this * * small ditty * * please, don't be mad at me anymore * * have i mentioned i think you're pretty? * * i-Yi-Yi-Yi * * i'm really sorry * * somebody just threw a blanket on me * * that's why i'm suffocating * I take it there's been no d?Tente.
No d?Tente, No glasnost, No perestroika, No nuttin'.
Stop torturing yourself, alf.
She'll come around.
What did do that was so wrong? You didn't do anything wrong, Which is something i never thought i would say.
But it was lynn Who lied.
You know, willie, lynn's little subterfuge Wasn't all that terrible.
I was dating willie for 6 months Before i told my parents about it.
How come? Oh, willie didn't have any money, And he didn't have a job, and He was already dating my sister.
[Telephone rings.]
I'll get it.
He dated your sister? Hello? The hideous one? I'm afraid there's been a little misunderstanding.
Would you please cancel that order? Thank you so much.
Good-Bye.
That was the jewelry store.
You really dated kate's sister? Apparently somebody placed an order In our name.
The hideous one? [Imitating eddie.]
must've been a little mix up.
Funny how 2 children from the same parents-- A $15,000 diamond bracelet! I ordered it for lynn.
Nothing else was working.
All right.
That settles it.
Lynn! We'll gonna settle this thing out Once and for all.
All right.
But i want to get back to this sister thing.
Yes, father? Hello, mother.
Lynn I want you to speak to alf.
Civilly, please.
Alf who? Speak to him, Or have your telephone privileges taken away.
You want me to speak to him? Fine, i'll speak to him.
Have you told mom yet that you broke Her ballerina? [Gasps.]
My ballerina? You squealer! My porcelain ballerina? That was supposed to be a secret.
My wedding present porcelain ballerina? Well, you told my secret first.
But that just slipped out.
My original, One of a kind, Impossible to duplicate Porcelain ballerina? Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds When you say it over and over? Ballerina, Ballerina, Ballerina, All right, everyone, stop, cease, desist.
I want you to apologize to each other, And i want you to put all of this behind us.
Fine.
Lynn, go to your room.
You, go to the garage.
Fine.
Kate, I'm sorry i broke your wedding present.
I was going to tell you.
Really? When? I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.
Don't just barge in here.
Knock when you come into my room.
Alf's leaving because of you! What are you talking about? He can't leave.
He's fixing his spaceship right now.
Don't be such a baby.
He's always saying he can't fix that ship.
You're the baby.
You won't even talk to him! Why don't you grow up? Brian, wait! Don't cry.
Ahem.
What're you doing? Nothing much.
Just some delicate, precision spot welding.
What's that smell? Burnt fur.
Brian says you're leaving.
Yep, just as soon as i calibrate The gyroscopic guidance system.
Done.
Well, just because we're not getting along Doesn't mean you have to leave.
That so? Of course not.
I mean, everybody else wants you to stay.
What about you? I don't mind if you stay.
Well, i can't stay with you mad at me, So i'm going.
But, alf-- And don't worry about me! You'll forget about me soon enough.
Oh, alf, please don't say that.
I don't want you to go.
Do you mean it? Of course i mean it.
I'm sorry i told mom about the ballerina, But i was just so mad at you! Will you forgive me? You were mad, And i was irresponsible.
I'd say we're even.
Nope.
I was the irresponsible one.
All right.
So you owe me.
Are we friends again? Yeah.
I guess i can stop working on this.
Oh, you couldn't fix that thing anyway, could you? Maybe! That's a lie, isn't it? It's a loophole.
This glue is empty.
I vaguely recall using it as a yogurt topping.
How's the ballerina coming? Needs glue.
Oh, alf, Did you order this? Breakfast at tiffany's.
Sounds like something i'd order.
Oh, look! It's inscribed! "Dear willie and kate, "Sorry if i caused you any trouble.
"I wouldn't have dated your daughter "If i'd known you didn't approve.
"Please accept this as a token of my friendship.
Signed, truman capote.
"