ALF s03e07 Episode Script
Turkey in the Straw: Part 1; Turkey in the Straw: Part 2
Did i ever tell you guys about thanksgiving on melmac? Oh, yes.
Thanksgiving on melmac Wasn't called thanksgiving.
It was called fappiano.
And we didn't eat turkey.
Instead, we sat down To a nice, big, juicy, stuffed-- Time out! We know exactly what you're gonna say, alf, And you know that we find that offensive.
What was i gonna say? Cat! Big, juicy, stuffed Cat.
But now we'll never know, will we? I was always partial to the dark meat.
Something's wrong here.
This--This turkey feels so light.
Well, you have been working out.
Hold it right there, mister.
Willie, he ate our thanksgiving turkey.
Raw.
Turkey sushi! That is the worst thing you have ever done.
Willie, every time you say that, It loses a little more impact.
Why would you do that? Tradition! On fappiano, you ate from the time you got up Until all the presents were opened.
Incidentally, i didn't see any presents Under the fappiano tree.
I didn't even see a tree! I'll, uh I'll try to find another turkey.
Don't forget the tree And the presents! There will be no tree.
There will be no presents.
I don't think there'll even be a turkey! This is gonna be some fappiano.
lions gate home entertainment Now, where were we? Plymouth, massachusetts, 1621.
All right.
Your line.
Methinks it prudent to organize an expedition.
Hold it.
Brian, baby, sweetheart What's wrong? Feeling, bri-- Motivation! You're a pilgrim! months at sea.
You're weak.
You're hungry.
You wanna strangle your travel agent.
Oh, bri, can i get you a snack, honey? No thanks, mom.
I have to be weak and hungry.
Method actor.
I, on the other hand, could use a nosh.
[Whimpers.]
It's wax.
I don't like wax.
Good.
Next year we'll buy a wax turkey.
The turkey is gone.
I can't bring it back! Wait.
Maybe i can, If i can remember which stomach it's in.
[Coughs.]
It's not in number 8.
[Coughs.]
Don't bother checking numbers one through 7.
I wonder what's keeping willie.
[Thunder.]
Methinks it prudent to organize an expedition.
Yoo-Hoo! Is anybody home? Oh, coming raquel! Wow, it's raining cats and dogs.
Raining cats? You open the skylight, I'll get the relish! Hi, raquel.
Oh, kate, we have got to do something! The bum is back.
Was trevor out of town? No, why? Oh, i mean, uh what bum is back? The bum that has been hanging around this neighborhood, Snooping in private garbage cans, Depreciating property values.
Oh, you saw a homeless person.
He's not necessarily homeless! He may very well have a home somewhere, And he just prefers to make a nuisance Of himself in our neighborhood.
And then goes home at 5:00? Well, i don't know what his hours are, But i know why he hangs around here.
Someone's been feeding him.
Really? It isn't you, is it? Oh, no.
Why? Well, no offense, but i just assumed That anybody who sets out a dozen saucers of milk To attract every stray cat for miles around-- Oh, yes, well, Uh, we are putting a stop to that immediately And as for feeding the homeless gentleman-- A bum, kate.
He's a bum.
He wears a floppy old hat And a crummy old trench coat.
Oh! There he is! Raquel, that's willie.
Oh, willie, you scared the life out of me! Sorry, i should knock Before entering my own kitchen.
Willie, raquel thought that you were a homeless person-- Bum! A bum that's been hanging around the neighborhood.
Here, let me help you with that.
No, no, i got it.
Were you able to find a turkey? Not-- Not exactly.
Those are cornish game hens.
They were out of turkeys.
You're having cornish game hens for thanksgiving? They were out of turkeys.
Honey, these things are frozen solid.
They were out of turkeys! These are gonna take forever to cook.
I just don't know if i'm gonna be able-- Listen, you two, you don't have to go Through this whole charade for me.
Why don't you just ask If you can have thanksgiving dinner at our house? At your house? There's gotta be a turkey In this town someplace.
There is, and it's at our house, and you're invited.
The whole ochmonek clan is gonna be there.
Perhaps i should drive a little further up the coast.
Uh, really, raquel-- Really, schmeally.
a hearty appetite, And your own chairs.
Thank you, raquel.
We'll be there! I guess i'll take The sweet potato pie i made.
This has not been a good day.
And it's not over yet.
My sweet potato pie is gone.
Alf! You rang? Do you know what's become of kate's sweet potato pie? Specifically? Yes.
I'll make a stomach check.
[Coughs.]
Stop that.
[Coughs.]
Enough! [Coughs.]
Don't say i didn't try to make amends.
I can't believe it.
After eating an 18-Pound turkey, You have room for an entire sweet potato pie? If you must know, i ate the pie first, And only half of that.
What happened to the other half? I gave it to ed.
Ed? The bum.
His name is ed? Well, it could be.
I never met him But he looks like an ed.
Actually, looks like mr.
Ed.
Lotta lip action when he talks.
What else did you give ed? I gave him some food And some of willie's clothes.
Clothes? What clothes? Nothing you'd miss, wildebeest, Unless you were in love with that Hideous turquoise turtleneck.
Oh, yeah The italian sweater I gave willie for our anniversary? Yeah! The one he would have exchanged If you didn't get it monogrammed.
And you gave it To the bum.
Homeless person, dear.
I put things in the trash, The rest is up to ed.
I think there's a good chance He'll pass on that sweater.
Why are you putting things in the trash For homeless people? I did it because it's fappiano, And we should share with those less fortunate Than ourselves, and pastels do nothing for willie.
I'll, uh i'll go check the trash.
Why do we put up with you, alf? Please, tell me that.
I am the sunshine of your life.
Right.
I forgot.
Oh, that's the bathrobe Kate's mother gave me last christmas.
Sweet potato pie? No thank you, ed, uh Whatever your name is.
Uh, flakey pete.
My friends call me flakey pete, Or flakey pete finnegan But mostly, my friends don't call me 'Cause i don't have a phone.
Well, i'm willie tanner And this This is my garage.
And that's Probably your crowbar.
Yes, it is.
And that's my sweater.
Were you Were you planning on keeping it? I was until i saw the crowbar.
I'm not gonna use it.
Oh, well then, i'd like to keep the sweater.
I'm not going to let my personal fashion statement Be dictated by a clique of effete east coast editors.
Besides, i'm on the skids.
Oh, by the way, your chart here, It's out of date, you know.
There's a newly-Discovered quasar in the pleiades.
Yeah, you know, I was just about to put that In Say, how did you know that? Oh, all the bums are talking about it.
Look, pete, i work for social services.
I can take you to a shelter for the weekend, And then you come to my office on monday-- In other words, you want me to leave.
Well-- Aha, go figure.
This morning it was a sweet potato pie And a sweater.
And now It's get the hell outta here.
And a happy thanksgiving to you too, bro.
Before you go, I would just like to categorically state How vehemently i oppose You going to the ochmoneks For thanksgiving.
You're not the only one.
Not by a long shot.
We're going.
We said we were going to go, And we're going.
We're going to be gone for a very short period of time, During which we will be pleasant to each other And to our neighbors, To whom we should be eternally grateful In this our hour of need, And on this day of thanksgiving, For offering us a decent, home-Cooked meal, Which we cannot even get in our own house.
All: amen.
Oh.
Uh, here's, uh Here's the ochmonek's phone number In case there's an emergency.
And there's a simple list of dos and don'ts Until we return.
"Don't call this number except in an emergency.
" "Don't call anyone else under any circumstances.
" Not even margaret thatcher? No prime ministers at all.
Not even collect? No phone calls of any kind.
"Don't leave this house.
" "Don't put anything else in the trash.
" "Don't blow up this house.
" "Don't burn down this house.
" All right, looks like you covered all the bases, Willie mccubbie, Except everything with you is, Don't, don't, don't, don't, Don't, don't, don't, don't, Don't, don't, don't, don't! What about all the dos? Um Hmmwas that Uh"do have a nice, quiet "Thanksgiving.
" Your wish is my command.
I'll be so quiet, You'll be able to hear a whisker drop.
Don't eat the cat.
Me and my big mouth.
Brian: come on! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Come on, come on, everybody, sit down.
The gravy's coagulatin'! Willie, sit right here next to uncle rocky.
Kate? [Whistles.]
kate! Sit right here! Hey, lynn, right here.
No, lynn, you sit right here, Right next to dudley and the vegetables.
Dudley is a vegetable.
Hi, lynn.
Hello, dudley.
Call me dud.
No problem.
I knew those two would hit it off.
Remember when we used to take baths together? I have to make a phone call From home.
Ha! Trick candle! The joke's on me! "Don't call this number except in an emergency.
" I wonder if boredom constitutes an emergency.
I'll call and find out.
Hi, alf.
Lynn-Ster, you've come back! Oh, i missed you, i missed you, i missed you! Turn around, let me have a look.
We've been gone 6 minutes.
Seemed like 10.
Sit.
Take a load off.
Ok, but just for a minute.
I have to get right back.
Meat loaf? We're making do, all right? I smuggled you some dessert.
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody, goody! Don't say that till you see it.
What is it? Guess.
Rubber vomit.
Pumpkin jell-O.
I can't eat that.
Hey, i've never heard myself Say that before.
Lynn: mrs.
Ochmonek put me next to dudley.
I think i'd rather sit next to jake.
This guy that i used to take a bath with.
Oh! Ha, ha! Well, i've gotta go.
While uncle rocky is carving the turkey, Mr.
And mrs.
Ochmonek are going to be singing Das cornucopia from wagner strauss' Der feaster famine.
It's an ochmonek tradition.
Well, thanks for the warning.
I'll watch for breaking glass.
Thanks, operator.
Man on television: and that'll bring up a third and goal On the 4 yard line.
Big play! Wilson drops straight back, throws it in the end zone-- [Telephone rings.]
Incomplete! That ball was almost in his hands.
That'll bring up a fourth and goal-- Happy thanksgiving, alien task force, Sgt.
Fox speaking.
Hello.
I think i've just seen an alien.
What do i do? Do you mind repeating that, sir? [Whispers.]
an alien! I've just seen an alien! And what does this alleged alien look like, please? Weird! Weird can describe a lot of things, sir.
Could you be more specific? Well, he's kind of small, And he's all covered with fur, And he has big, pointy ears And a nose the shape of nebraska.
Uh-Huh, and is it at the end of a leash Standing next to a fire hydrant? This is not a pet! He's sitting at the kitchen table With a napkin around his neck, And he's flipping flatware.
[Cat meows.]
Just got the cat.
We've got ourselves a live one.
An alien? Kook.
Could i have your name, sir, please? Huh? Uh, flakey, uh, finnegan.
Ahem, pete finnegan.
And what's the address? Uh, first things first.
I understand there's a reward involved.
And who told you that, sir? I saw it on my favorite martian.
Is there a reward or not? $5,000.
[Gasps.]
take it, ahem.
The address is 167 hemdale avenue.
Now, how soon can you get here? Well, mr.
Finnegan, we're a little understaffed at the moment, It being a holiday and all.
Plus the game's in sudden death.
Look, suppose you just sit tight And get back to us if it-- [Beeping.]
Hold on, sir.
We investigated a sighting at that address 2 years ago.
Hang on, sir.
September 13, 1986, raquel ochmonek.
We could have an independent confirmation.
Mr.
Finnegan, we'll get there as soon as we can.
Could you give us a number where we can reach you, please? Right.
Uh You just stay by the phone.
Don't let the alien out of your sight.
Be careful.
What do you mean, "be careful"? Why? What could it do to me? Jump in your mouth and bust out of your chest.
I'll be careful.
Why do we offer a reward anyway? Doesn't it just encourage kooks? Yeah, right.
But we gotta be competitive with the enquirer.
Come on, let's roll.
Hello.
Ruh-Roh On the next episode of alf Dog biscuit? They're good.
* oh * Have any idea what would happen if people found out about me? You can trust me.
Finnegan, sgt.
Fox.
Did you make contact with the alien? Yes, my friends are right here, And they're terrific.
They're so friendly.
It may act friendly, but it could be deadly.
I just hope we can take it alive.
Oh, i don't think It'll be necessary to Kill it.
lions gate home entertainment Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- [Laughing.]
Thanksgiving on melmac Wasn't called thanksgiving.
It was called fappiano.
And we didn't eat turkey.
Instead, we sat down To a nice, big, juicy, stuffed-- Time out! We know exactly what you're gonna say, alf, And you know that we find that offensive.
What was i gonna say? Cat! Big, juicy, stuffed Cat.
But now we'll never know, will we? I was always partial to the dark meat.
Something's wrong here.
This--This turkey feels so light.
Well, you have been working out.
Hold it right there, mister.
Willie, he ate our thanksgiving turkey.
Raw.
Turkey sushi! That is the worst thing you have ever done.
Willie, every time you say that, It loses a little more impact.
Why would you do that? Tradition! On fappiano, you ate from the time you got up Until all the presents were opened.
Incidentally, i didn't see any presents Under the fappiano tree.
I didn't even see a tree! I'll, uh I'll try to find another turkey.
Don't forget the tree And the presents! There will be no tree.
There will be no presents.
I don't think there'll even be a turkey! This is gonna be some fappiano.
lions gate home entertainment Now, where were we? Plymouth, massachusetts, 1621.
All right.
Your line.
Methinks it prudent to organize an expedition.
Hold it.
Brian, baby, sweetheart What's wrong? Feeling, bri-- Motivation! You're a pilgrim! months at sea.
You're weak.
You're hungry.
You wanna strangle your travel agent.
Oh, bri, can i get you a snack, honey? No thanks, mom.
I have to be weak and hungry.
Method actor.
I, on the other hand, could use a nosh.
[Whimpers.]
It's wax.
I don't like wax.
Good.
Next year we'll buy a wax turkey.
The turkey is gone.
I can't bring it back! Wait.
Maybe i can, If i can remember which stomach it's in.
[Coughs.]
It's not in number 8.
[Coughs.]
Don't bother checking numbers one through 7.
I wonder what's keeping willie.
[Thunder.]
Methinks it prudent to organize an expedition.
Yoo-Hoo! Is anybody home? Oh, coming raquel! Wow, it's raining cats and dogs.
Raining cats? You open the skylight, I'll get the relish! Hi, raquel.
Oh, kate, we have got to do something! The bum is back.
Was trevor out of town? No, why? Oh, i mean, uh what bum is back? The bum that has been hanging around this neighborhood, Snooping in private garbage cans, Depreciating property values.
Oh, you saw a homeless person.
He's not necessarily homeless! He may very well have a home somewhere, And he just prefers to make a nuisance Of himself in our neighborhood.
And then goes home at 5:00? Well, i don't know what his hours are, But i know why he hangs around here.
Someone's been feeding him.
Really? It isn't you, is it? Oh, no.
Why? Well, no offense, but i just assumed That anybody who sets out a dozen saucers of milk To attract every stray cat for miles around-- Oh, yes, well, Uh, we are putting a stop to that immediately And as for feeding the homeless gentleman-- A bum, kate.
He's a bum.
He wears a floppy old hat And a crummy old trench coat.
Oh! There he is! Raquel, that's willie.
Oh, willie, you scared the life out of me! Sorry, i should knock Before entering my own kitchen.
Willie, raquel thought that you were a homeless person-- Bum! A bum that's been hanging around the neighborhood.
Here, let me help you with that.
No, no, i got it.
Were you able to find a turkey? Not-- Not exactly.
Those are cornish game hens.
They were out of turkeys.
You're having cornish game hens for thanksgiving? They were out of turkeys.
Honey, these things are frozen solid.
They were out of turkeys! These are gonna take forever to cook.
I just don't know if i'm gonna be able-- Listen, you two, you don't have to go Through this whole charade for me.
Why don't you just ask If you can have thanksgiving dinner at our house? At your house? There's gotta be a turkey In this town someplace.
There is, and it's at our house, and you're invited.
The whole ochmonek clan is gonna be there.
Perhaps i should drive a little further up the coast.
Uh, really, raquel-- Really, schmeally.
a hearty appetite, And your own chairs.
Thank you, raquel.
We'll be there! I guess i'll take The sweet potato pie i made.
This has not been a good day.
And it's not over yet.
My sweet potato pie is gone.
Alf! You rang? Do you know what's become of kate's sweet potato pie? Specifically? Yes.
I'll make a stomach check.
[Coughs.]
Stop that.
[Coughs.]
Enough! [Coughs.]
Don't say i didn't try to make amends.
I can't believe it.
After eating an 18-Pound turkey, You have room for an entire sweet potato pie? If you must know, i ate the pie first, And only half of that.
What happened to the other half? I gave it to ed.
Ed? The bum.
His name is ed? Well, it could be.
I never met him But he looks like an ed.
Actually, looks like mr.
Ed.
Lotta lip action when he talks.
What else did you give ed? I gave him some food And some of willie's clothes.
Clothes? What clothes? Nothing you'd miss, wildebeest, Unless you were in love with that Hideous turquoise turtleneck.
Oh, yeah The italian sweater I gave willie for our anniversary? Yeah! The one he would have exchanged If you didn't get it monogrammed.
And you gave it To the bum.
Homeless person, dear.
I put things in the trash, The rest is up to ed.
I think there's a good chance He'll pass on that sweater.
Why are you putting things in the trash For homeless people? I did it because it's fappiano, And we should share with those less fortunate Than ourselves, and pastels do nothing for willie.
I'll, uh i'll go check the trash.
Why do we put up with you, alf? Please, tell me that.
I am the sunshine of your life.
Right.
I forgot.
Oh, that's the bathrobe Kate's mother gave me last christmas.
Sweet potato pie? No thank you, ed, uh Whatever your name is.
Uh, flakey pete.
My friends call me flakey pete, Or flakey pete finnegan But mostly, my friends don't call me 'Cause i don't have a phone.
Well, i'm willie tanner And this This is my garage.
And that's Probably your crowbar.
Yes, it is.
And that's my sweater.
Were you Were you planning on keeping it? I was until i saw the crowbar.
I'm not gonna use it.
Oh, well then, i'd like to keep the sweater.
I'm not going to let my personal fashion statement Be dictated by a clique of effete east coast editors.
Besides, i'm on the skids.
Oh, by the way, your chart here, It's out of date, you know.
There's a newly-Discovered quasar in the pleiades.
Yeah, you know, I was just about to put that In Say, how did you know that? Oh, all the bums are talking about it.
Look, pete, i work for social services.
I can take you to a shelter for the weekend, And then you come to my office on monday-- In other words, you want me to leave.
Well-- Aha, go figure.
This morning it was a sweet potato pie And a sweater.
And now It's get the hell outta here.
And a happy thanksgiving to you too, bro.
Before you go, I would just like to categorically state How vehemently i oppose You going to the ochmoneks For thanksgiving.
You're not the only one.
Not by a long shot.
We're going.
We said we were going to go, And we're going.
We're going to be gone for a very short period of time, During which we will be pleasant to each other And to our neighbors, To whom we should be eternally grateful In this our hour of need, And on this day of thanksgiving, For offering us a decent, home-Cooked meal, Which we cannot even get in our own house.
All: amen.
Oh.
Uh, here's, uh Here's the ochmonek's phone number In case there's an emergency.
And there's a simple list of dos and don'ts Until we return.
"Don't call this number except in an emergency.
" "Don't call anyone else under any circumstances.
" Not even margaret thatcher? No prime ministers at all.
Not even collect? No phone calls of any kind.
"Don't leave this house.
" "Don't put anything else in the trash.
" "Don't blow up this house.
" "Don't burn down this house.
" All right, looks like you covered all the bases, Willie mccubbie, Except everything with you is, Don't, don't, don't, don't, Don't, don't, don't, don't, Don't, don't, don't, don't! What about all the dos? Um Hmmwas that Uh"do have a nice, quiet "Thanksgiving.
" Your wish is my command.
I'll be so quiet, You'll be able to hear a whisker drop.
Don't eat the cat.
Me and my big mouth.
Brian: come on! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Come on, come on, everybody, sit down.
The gravy's coagulatin'! Willie, sit right here next to uncle rocky.
Kate? [Whistles.]
kate! Sit right here! Hey, lynn, right here.
No, lynn, you sit right here, Right next to dudley and the vegetables.
Dudley is a vegetable.
Hi, lynn.
Hello, dudley.
Call me dud.
No problem.
I knew those two would hit it off.
Remember when we used to take baths together? I have to make a phone call From home.
Ha! Trick candle! The joke's on me! "Don't call this number except in an emergency.
" I wonder if boredom constitutes an emergency.
I'll call and find out.
Hi, alf.
Lynn-Ster, you've come back! Oh, i missed you, i missed you, i missed you! Turn around, let me have a look.
We've been gone 6 minutes.
Seemed like 10.
Sit.
Take a load off.
Ok, but just for a minute.
I have to get right back.
Meat loaf? We're making do, all right? I smuggled you some dessert.
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody, goody! Don't say that till you see it.
What is it? Guess.
Rubber vomit.
Pumpkin jell-O.
I can't eat that.
Hey, i've never heard myself Say that before.
Lynn: mrs.
Ochmonek put me next to dudley.
I think i'd rather sit next to jake.
This guy that i used to take a bath with.
Oh! Ha, ha! Well, i've gotta go.
While uncle rocky is carving the turkey, Mr.
And mrs.
Ochmonek are going to be singing Das cornucopia from wagner strauss' Der feaster famine.
It's an ochmonek tradition.
Well, thanks for the warning.
I'll watch for breaking glass.
Thanks, operator.
Man on television: and that'll bring up a third and goal On the 4 yard line.
Big play! Wilson drops straight back, throws it in the end zone-- [Telephone rings.]
Incomplete! That ball was almost in his hands.
That'll bring up a fourth and goal-- Happy thanksgiving, alien task force, Sgt.
Fox speaking.
Hello.
I think i've just seen an alien.
What do i do? Do you mind repeating that, sir? [Whispers.]
an alien! I've just seen an alien! And what does this alleged alien look like, please? Weird! Weird can describe a lot of things, sir.
Could you be more specific? Well, he's kind of small, And he's all covered with fur, And he has big, pointy ears And a nose the shape of nebraska.
Uh-Huh, and is it at the end of a leash Standing next to a fire hydrant? This is not a pet! He's sitting at the kitchen table With a napkin around his neck, And he's flipping flatware.
[Cat meows.]
Just got the cat.
We've got ourselves a live one.
An alien? Kook.
Could i have your name, sir, please? Huh? Uh, flakey, uh, finnegan.
Ahem, pete finnegan.
And what's the address? Uh, first things first.
I understand there's a reward involved.
And who told you that, sir? I saw it on my favorite martian.
Is there a reward or not? $5,000.
[Gasps.]
take it, ahem.
The address is 167 hemdale avenue.
Now, how soon can you get here? Well, mr.
Finnegan, we're a little understaffed at the moment, It being a holiday and all.
Plus the game's in sudden death.
Look, suppose you just sit tight And get back to us if it-- [Beeping.]
Hold on, sir.
We investigated a sighting at that address 2 years ago.
Hang on, sir.
September 13, 1986, raquel ochmonek.
We could have an independent confirmation.
Mr.
Finnegan, we'll get there as soon as we can.
Could you give us a number where we can reach you, please? Right.
Uh You just stay by the phone.
Don't let the alien out of your sight.
Be careful.
What do you mean, "be careful"? Why? What could it do to me? Jump in your mouth and bust out of your chest.
I'll be careful.
Why do we offer a reward anyway? Doesn't it just encourage kooks? Yeah, right.
But we gotta be competitive with the enquirer.
Come on, let's roll.
Hello.
Ruh-Roh On the next episode of alf Dog biscuit? They're good.
* oh * Have any idea what would happen if people found out about me? You can trust me.
Finnegan, sgt.
Fox.
Did you make contact with the alien? Yes, my friends are right here, And they're terrific.
They're so friendly.
It may act friendly, but it could be deadly.
I just hope we can take it alive.
Oh, i don't think It'll be necessary to Kill it.
lions gate home entertainment Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- [Laughing.]