ALF s03e11 Episode Script

Alone Again, Naturally

Hey, did you get the stuff on my list? Sorry, alf, grocery stores on earth Still don't carry melmackian junk food.
What about pudding in a shoe? Not available west of jupiter.
Well, it's always better homemade anyway.
Willie, can i borrow a pair of your wingtips? You may not cook in my shoes.
Socks? Let the edict include all footwear.
Fine! Eat your bland desserts.
Oh! Here, alf.
We did buy you this.
My national inquisitor! Great! At least i can read about michael jackson's skull reduction.
I can't believe you actually read that stuff.
Well, pardon me, mr.
U.
S.
News and world report.
Our alien is hooked on gossip magazines.
That sounds like a headline from one of them.
Well Be thankful that he likes that magazine.
That actually keeps him quiet for 30 minutes at a time.
Alf: aah! [Thud] He's fainted! lions gate home entertainment What happened? Alf fainted.
Oh.
please.
No more portly women.
What happened, alf? I can't believe it, willie.
Read the headline on page 2.
"Corn chip dead ringer for liberace.
" Wow! Not that! The headline next to it.
"Couple in barstow living with space alien.
" That's it! Oh, alf, don't be ridiculous.
Alf, there's-- There's an article like--Like this one In every issue of this magazine.
But this one is different.
Read on! "The alien is described as being short and furry With large ears and a long snout.
" That sounds like alf! Keep reading.
"The creature is said to be fond of cats And subsists on a diet of frozen yogurt and light bulbs.
" That's my cousin blinky.
You have a cousin blinky? We call him that because he likes to eat light bulbs.
Alf, your cousin blinky Is not living in barstow.
Just consider for a moment the tremendous improbability Of an alien from outer space Actually living with a family I'll start the car.
Hold it! Hold it! Give me the paper.
I'm going to call these people, And i'm going to settle this thing right now.
Hello, i'm trying to reach the susla residence.
I'm so excited i could squirt! Are you by any chance the couple that was in the national inquisitor? Oh, cut the chit-Chat, let me talk to them.
You don't really have a creature from outer space Living with you, do you? And it eats light bulbs? Nothing over 75 watts.
Willie, do i look all right? You look fine, alf.
You look just as fine As the last 29 times you asked me.
I want to look my best.
I'm really unhappy with this new cream rinse i've been using.
I realize how important this is to you, alf, But i--I don't-- I don't want you to be disappoin-- What is that? Antiperspirant.
I sweat when i'm nervous.
Put it away.
It smells terrible.
Fine.
I'll slap on some of this cologne instead.
Here, willie, smell this.
Oh.
Yeah.
What's this? Asbestos.
Too musky? Well, this must be it.
Well, see ya later.
Oh, no, wait! Wait, alf! Remember our plan.
I go in and check this out first.
That's your plan.
We can't take any chances.
Let caution be our credo.
"Let caution be our credo"? Stay in the car.
And stay down.
I just know i'm going to squirt.
Hello.
Hello.
My name is william tanner.
I called earlier today regarding your claim to have an alien.
Right this way.
Please excuse the house.
It's a bit cluttered since the tent fire.
Tent fire? We had a traveling museum of sorts.
Our lives are devoted to accessing the unknown.
Harvesting the bizarre.
And exploiting the hideous atrocities of nature.
How nice.
It's a living.
Uh, that's billy the kid's mummified mustache.
Oh, what's that dried up pink thing underneath it? Billy's lips.
About this alien.
Oh, no.
Not another one.
Ah, this is my husband nick.
Good-Bye, nick.
Uh, pleased to meet you mr.
Susla.
I'm willie tanner.
The name is pronounced "soosla.
" Oh, no, you were right.
It is susla.
I should know how to pronounce my own name.
I think you should by now.
Don't start with me, betty.
Lookyou're wasting your time.
There is no alien here.
What nick is saying is that the alien's not here right now.
That's not what i'm saying.
I'm saying there is no alien here.
Right now.
Are you saying that you don't have an alien? Yes, we don't.
No.
We do.
I can prove we have an alien.
I have a photograph.
Would you like to see it? Yes.
How much? Very much.
No, no, i meant in dollars.
Well, i don't want to buy it.
I just want to see it.
And how much is that worth to you? Save your money.
I think i'd better be going.
Oh, wait.
Uh, for 10 bucks, I'll let you have a glimpse of it.
Ok, fine.
Don't stare.
Glimpse.
You know, it looked amazingly like a german shepherd With some kind of antennae stuck on his head.
Real amazingly.
What kind of person would put antennas on a dog? The same kind of person Who would glue a horn on a goat.
It's not a goat.
It's a unicorn.
It's horn was loose.
Thank you.
Thank you for your time.
And thank you for sharing that with me.
It was certainly worth the $10.
Wait! For another 10, I'll let you see a picture of his spaceship.
Maybe another time.
Oh, too bad.
It looks a lot like a hubcap With lights glued to it.
I'm warning you, nick.
Good-Bye.
[Goat bleating] Willie: oh, pardon me, coming through.
Alf Alf? [Doorbell] ahh! Alf! In all my years with traveling freak shows, I've never seen anything like you.
Likewise.
Except for jo-Jo the beast boy.
Betty.
This thing ain't nothing like jo-Jo.
This thing ain't human.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
You're exactly what we need To take this show on the road again.
Show? What show? Betty, your sideshow days are over.
I don't want you growing the beard again.
I won't have to.
We have our star attraction right here.
I'm getting another one of my headaches.
Then go take another one of your naps.
Ugh.
Uhh.
It's no wonder blinky didn't stick around, If you treat all your houseguests like this.
How about we bill you as-- "Bo-Bo the amazing aardvark: hear him talk"? Betty, come to bed.
Yeah, yeah, in a minute.
Oh, you're going to make us a lot of money.
How about "do-Do the hairy parrot"? How about telling me why i'm tied up? So she can glue antennas on you.
Shhh.
Not in front of the f-R-E-A-K.
Who's frank? I'm going to bed.
You coming or not? Yeah, yeah.
Good night, my furry little gold mine.
Night, frank.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Uhh! Ugh! Betty: hey, what's going on in there?! Nothing.
Ugh! [Glass shatters] Uh, that was nothing also.
Aah! It's me.
Willie! Betty: keep it quiet in there.
Sorry.
Just a painful rope burn.
You all right, alf? I'm fine.
But i don't know what they've done to blinky.
Blinky.
I'll show you.
This is their alien.
Looks like a german shepherd with antlers.
We'll be out of here in no time.
Or not.
Uh-Oh.
It's frank's husband.
Hold it right there! Freeze! Don't move! No, you hold it right there.
Freeze.
Don't move.
Do you know what this is? It's either a talking aardvark Or a hairy parrot.
Betty hasn't decided yet.
This is a creature possessed of unimaginable powers.
Powers? Yes, powers.
You know, your powers.
Your unimaginable powers.
The powers we all find so Unimaginable.
The powers you don't like to use unless we're in trouble And there's no way out.
Oh, those powers.
You know i don't like to use those powers, willie.
I fear you must.
Well, all right.
Ooh! You'd better get out of here.
Because in just about Ooh! Yes.
You'll be flatter than a flapjack.
Alf: ooh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Yes.
Agh! Whoo! Ooh! Ooh! haagh! Haagh! Narh! Nerh! Narh! Nerh! Haagh! haagh! Eghh! Haagh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh, forget it.
It's not working.
What are you going to do with us? Go on, get out of here.
You mean you're going to let us go? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Go on! Well, that's awfully nice of you.
What nice? I just don't want to go back out on the road With another rolling geek brigade.
I just want a nice, quiet retirement with my lunatic wife.
I really appreciate this.
Yeah, likewise.
Betty: nick, what's going on out there? Hey, how'd he get in here? What's he doing with my parrot? Stay back, honey.
That thing's got unimaginable powers.
If we don't let him go, he's going to squash me Like a 2-Headed elephant on a peanut.
Alf! Roooo! Not that, let's go! Hey! Glue an antennae on this! Alf.
Alf.
Yeah? I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Me, too.
I'm glad you're safe.
Safe and alone Species-Wise.
You know, we all feel alone at certain times in our lives.
Feeling alone and being alone Are 2 different things.
I'm sorry.
Alf, i wish there was something i could say.
I actually believed it, willie.
I really convinced myself There might be others of my kind here.
Well, who knows, pal.
Someday there might be.
Willie! Willie, follow that car! Hurry! What car? The one that just passed us.
Catch up to it.
Alf, there hasn't been a car on this road for miles.
I just saw one! And blinky was in it! You must have been daydreaming, pal.
I was? I mean think about it-- What are the odds that a creature from outer space Would be in a car on this road at this time of-- I mean, what are the odds that From outer space would be in 2 cars On this road at I think maybe you better drive for a while.
lions gate home entertainment Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- Alf: ah! Ha ha ha ha!