Ali G Rezurection (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Cannes

[snap] Easy now, this be Ali G.
Back in the year twenty thousand, me was given me own show, and me became world-famous.
Me life, it became full of the trappings of cebrelity.
Me didn't know who to trust and started suspecting everyone and becoming paranormal.
Me was becoming obsessed with fame and losing sight of the things that really matter in life, like money, bitches, and drugs.
The low point was when me Julie sat me down one day and said, "You is changin'.
Me don't know the new you.
" I told her to [bleep] off.
and started bonin' a much fitter girl from the "X Factor" called Kiara.
A quarterfinalist.
After two months, me realized me had made the worst mistake of me life me had forgotten to use a Connie with her.
And when she wouldn't agree to flush it, me decided to do the right thing and go back to me Julie.
But there is a happy ending to this.
Three weeks later, Kiara had a miscarriage.
Booyakasha.
Enjoy the show.
A way-an-a-say bang-a-rang jam rock! [music] 1x01 - Cannes Keep it real.
[snap] I is come here to Cannes, dat is in France, which is where the biggest pricks from all around the world come to sell their films.
And I is gonna try and raise 300 million squid for a little idea I have.
Peace a peace.
West side.
[music] - The film is called "Booka.
" - "Booka"? Okay.
- Do you like the title? - What does that mean? Booka is like the sound of when you shoot someone.
"Booka.
" Dis is gonna be a film dat doesn't run away - from the real issues - Right.
of violence and drugs.
Dis is gonna glamorize drugs and violence.
It's going to glamorize them? - Aii, for real.
- Real? Terese Linden Kohn:  How much money you need? Well, and I ain't gonna bullshit you and say, you know, a fake figure.
I ain't gonna undersell it or whatever, but we is lookin' at 400 mil.
400 million dollars? Is looking at a whole load of special effects - and all that kind of thing.
- Oh.
- Is there room in here? - Yeah, there is now.
- Is there room for about five of us? - We can not overweight the lift.
Is there room for about five of us? - All: No.
- Man: No.
No.
No.
- Next one.
- What? Is there room? Is there room for about five of us? - All: No! - Let us go.
Let's look at the tape and see what you got.
Okay.
Should we go down for the room and look at the tape? [music] Ali G, that's me.
These are girls that I know.
We can use them, we can check them out.
Oh, okay.
Oh, this is two girls.
Mm-hmm.
- Good stuff.
- Thank you.
[moaning] As long as it's not just completely thrown in.
[moaning] You probably need to show some more skin.
Yeah, we need well, we'll get I was trying to get her boobs out, but she wasn't do it.
Well, you'll have to find someone who will.
No, we'll do that, no worries.
[moaning] I is actually [bleep] that one.
No, we're gonna do the actual thing in Jamaica.
We didn't have the money to fly out to Jamaica.
My boy is here in Jamaica, which is where I am.
I'm not exactly sure, like, story here.
- It's kind of - This is in Jamaica, this bit.
Uh-huh.
[imitating gunshots] This is I ain't using bullets there.
I doin' that noise with my mouth.
[music] This is [bleep] me bird.
[moaning] - We'll get her with her bra off.
- I mean, you know [imitating gunshots] Try using dat now.
I still love you, girl.
Does he want to do the film? - Who? - You? - Do I? Right now? - Aii.
I'd like to see the full script before I commit to it, yes.
Is you getting out the cash? I don't pay cash.
[chuckles] No, I'm not getting out the cash.
Okay, listen, there's one other film dat I've got that's about it's called "The Crown.
" The story is this some terrorists has got into England, and they has stuck a grenade up the queen's vag.
Well, that's really the queen is not gonna like that one very much.
I don't think it has to be up her fanny, but - A'ight.
Where would you put it up? - I think just having her held hostage and have a threat on her would show great importance.
So where would you stick the grenade? And Ali has got 48 hours to get it out.
Well, thanks a lot.
It has been a real pleasure.
Pleasure to meet you.
You're a nice young man.
- Wicked.
- You got some good ideas and I wish - you all the best in the business.
- All right, well, let's do some business.
And let's talk as soon as I read the script.
Okay, wicked.
Let's do business.
[music] [music] Jenqui.
Yakshemesh.
Hello, I like you.
Everybody say mad dog and English gentleman go dance in the midnight sun.
But why? I come to England to find what make English gentleman "English gentleman.
" Jankooey.
- Hello? - Borat? How are you? Nice to see you.
Very nice to see you.
If man come in here with many bodyguard, rich, with beautiful lady with shaved pussy, with dogs, - you will serve him? - Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Here we I would do that, 44.
- And then I'd say to you - What are you doing? I'm measuring your leg.
- And then I measure - What do what do you do? I measure your leg.
You try to touch I don't try to do anything.
All I do is measure your leg.
- You are not a homosexual? - Wha - Sorry? - You're not a I don't think so, but you better ask my wife.
Oh, sorry! I am sorry! I am sorry! I think suddenly, you touch - No problem.
- No problem.
Please.
You can touch! Jankooey.
To be English gentleman, I need English lady.
This why I meet Mrs.
Heskell, who teach me how to flirt, so that I can do a sex with English girl.
Hmm.
Who come to learn to flirt? Well, people like you.
[laughs] That's right, yes.
You see, I just had to do - that and you went flirty.
- Yes, I like.
When you meet somebody, you have to look around at them and think about something you can compliment them on.
So, if you look at me now, think about something you - like about me and just say - Um you have nice tits.
Tits? [laughs] Why you laugh? Tits? Tits? Tits? [laughs] I have nice is that the kind of compliment you would give to somebody? Flirting is a prelude to meeting somebody.
Yes.
What does is meant, a pro-lude? A beginning.
It's a beginning.
It's a way of connecting with somebody so you can meet them and decide whether they are somebody you could spend more time with.
So, after how many minutes can I say, "Hello, do you want to do with a sex please?" - Hey.
- Hello.
- Borat.
- Very nice to meet you, my friend.
Very nice to meet you.
You have a gentleman club.
Yes.
Now, the idea of my gentlemen's club has a different connotation.
In Kazakhstan, we have a club where you go, you have other men, they come with friends, they watch, they talk, they do business, they watch a porno with a man and a woman, with a one with a shaved pussy.
Very exciting to see is something.
[laughs] Why you laugh? Why you laugh? [loud laughter] Why you laugh? You laugh at me? I'm a twit.
- And this? - Jacuzzi.
- It right here? - That's right.
It is fantastic.
And what is - you have with girl? - Of course.
- What is most number of people you have? - In this one? Hmm.
Four is comfortable, six is a crowd.
Now I go to see English club! - Hello.
- How do you do? - Very nice.
- Mike Evans.
[smooches] Borat.
I'm the club secretary of the Naval Military Club.
- Hello.
- This is the library.
It's very beautiful room.
Do you ever throw out member? Um, it has been known to happen, yes.
If a man get very drink and do, uh that.
Oh, no, I don't think we'd allow that at all, no.
- You throw out.
- Yes.
And what if a man wants to make love to a man's bottom? You throw him out? Uh, we certainly don't approve of that at all.
We think is wrong? - Maybe is primitive.
- We do as well.
It's a Homosexuality is not encouraged in the club.
- So, gentleman is not homosexual? - Definitely not.
Hello.
- Is nice to meet you.
- And you.
And you have been to Stringfellow Club? No.
It is fun because you have a woman with big, how you say - Mammary glands.
- Mama? Mammary glands is the word you're looking for.
- Or breasts.
- Breasts.
- Breasts.
- Like, tits? Tits, yes.
Not a gentleman's word.
They have girl there stand like this! I'm sure you have them in Kazakhstan as well? We have, but they it's not like this, you know? Well, you mustn't wrestle them so much.
- Clearly you've made them drop.
- A Tajik girl is a very big.
- Oh, so you like those? - The Tajik.
But Uzbeki tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny.
- Horses for courses.
- No, we do not do with a horse.
We do not like with a horse.
- No, I don't think that, no.
- It's an expression.
It means that some people like one sort of thing, - one people like another.
- I do not like English idiom.
People who like animal to make love is sick.
- Yes, I think you're right.
- Yeah, I hear what you meant.
Listen here.
I has got none other than me main man, Sir Rhodes Boyson, in da house.
'Cause we is talking about the education thing.
Let's talk about the discipline.
Do you think, Sir Rhodes, there is enough discipline in school? I think there is slightly less than there should be.
- Do you believe kids should be caned? - I do.
I have - You do? - I do.
- Wicked, man! - I am You believe kids should be caned even in school? - Even in school.
- Do you not think, Sir Rhodes, if you get caned in school, you can't concentrate as well? 'Cause a lot of people out there say that if you're getting caned Well, I was caned a time and I've concentrated all my life.
You were caned? Respect, man.
- From that, so they - Respect.
Yeah, so, I mean, it was I mean, it shouldn't be done evil - and it shouldn't be done badly.
But it - You gotta have good stuff.
- You have to have rules in life.
- You have to have good cane.
You have to have a good cane.
[music] Do you think porn stars should teach sex education in school? - No.
No.
- Why not? Because I do not respect porn stars, as you say.
But they has more bonin' experience than anyone else.
Oh yeah.
But it is not the experience that I want for our country.
But someone who has had a four header or whatever will know how to cope with any situation.
Well, I some of these situations I wouldn't put myself in for the beginning.
For real.
Me feelin' that, Sir Rhodes.
Me feelin' that so strong.
[music] Do you think there should be mixed schools? I think there should be a choice.
For parents and the pupils themselves.
Do you not think, though, if you have mixed schools, all the boys will spend all their time chasin' muff and all the girls will spend all their time preparin' their muff? No.
I think if the school is running properly, if they're in a well-controlled school, then it's right.
But me, me got an A-plus in punani, but me failed me exams 'cause me was so into the chasin' the bit of [snifs] beaver.
Well, you'll have to well, that's that's your fault.
[laughs] I think overall, single sex schools work better than mixed schools.
But don't you think single-sex girls' schools, they just breed, you know, people who drink from the furry cup? But never having drunk from the fairy cup, I don't know what the liquor is in it.
Aii, you know, Sir Rhodes, you know.
You know, dem girls that is drinking from the furry cup, that like to eat from the bushy plain - You know what I is getting at? - Yeah.
Yes, I know what you're getting at.
[music] You is rockin'.
Sir Rhodes Boyson in da house.
Booka, booka.
Wicked.
You is da man.
I wish you was my teacher all them years ago, and I wouldn't have turned out like dis.
[music] Booyakasha.
[smooches] [music] [snap] Booyakasha.
Charity is well important, innit? 10 year ago, when me was on telly earning 200 quid a week, me would give back by goin' to disadvantaged parts of town and bonin' as many girls as me could.
Me didn't discriminate against who would get me charity.
The mentally ill, the slightly overweight, refugees nice.
But me drew the line at the physically spasticated.
Another thing me done for charity was something called "Comic Relief.
" Check it out! Big it up for none other than Victoria and David Beckham! [applause, cheering] [music] [laughter in audience] Now, Scary, is you comfy? - Beckham, what about you? - All right.
- Now, where did you two meet? - We met at the football.
Beckham, was you into the Spice Girls beforehand? No, but I was into Posh.
Had you ever seen a picture of her and knocked one out? [laughter in audience] That's a yes, innit? Come on, what about that picture of her in the black catsuit and boots that come up well high? Apparently in that video, if you freeze-frame it, you can actually see a tiny bit of camel toe.
- Oh, no! - Ali: Ain't that right? I can see Yeah, that's more like a camel hoof, girl.
All right, now, it must be amazing going out with a Spice Girl.
But in an ideal world, and no disrespect to your bitch [laughter in audience] in an ideal world, wouldn't you rather be with Baby? [laughter in audience] No.
So how many of the Spice Girls turned you down before you went for Posh? [laughter in audience] - You went for Scary first, what? - No, just this one.
Now, does you go to watch him play football? Yeah, I do.
Whenever I can.
'Cause Brooklyn loves going to watch him, so as much as we can.
Me heard there is an insulting song that they sing about you.
Has you heard it? What is the words? They say, "Posh Spice [whispers] takes it up the ass.
" - That you take it up the ass? - That's what they say.
But that ain't insulting! That is the biggest compliment you can pay to a woman.
[laughter in audience] Respect! No, but seriously, does you take it up the butty? No, of course I don't.
Beckham, you telling me you ain't never been caught offside? [laughter in audience] Now, Beckham, do you reckon the better the footballer you is, - the fitter the girl you go out with? - Obviously.
So you is the best at footie, you know? So you get Posh.
So does Sporty Spice go out with someone from Scumford United? - That's horrible! - You's got a little nipper.
Do you reckon you is good parents? Yeah.
I do think we're good parents.
So when did you teach him to roll his first spliff? [laughter in audience] I will never teach him that.
Why not? You should never deny your kid education.
[laughter in audience] - So, what's he called? - Brooklyn.
All right.
And how did you come up with that name? [chuckles] Well, we found out that I was pregnant while we was while I was on tour in America.
And we was in Brooklyn when we found out.
So, had you actually done it there? - No, we didn't do it there.
- Oh, for real? We did it in Denmark, if you really want to know.
So how come you never called him Denmark? [laughter in audience] That would be a well good idea, though, what? 'Cause if me and me Julie had a kid, we'd call him Langley Village.
[laughter in audience] Well, his full name would be the Bogs in the KFC in Langley Village.
So tell me, does Brooklyn like your music or is he getting a bit old for it now? [laughter in audience] [cheering] He does like music.
He's really, you know, he jigs about and dances.
He's also into football as well.
So it's nice.
- Respect.
- A footballer with rhythm.
So tell me, is your little boy starting to put whole sentences together? He's saying little bits and pieces, yeah.
And what about Brooklyn? [laughter in audience] - That was Brooklyn! - All right.
Okay.
So, do you want him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad or a singer like Mariah Carey? [laughter in audience] Well, I am hoping that he will grow up to be a footballer like his dad and I'd like to grow up and be a singer like Mariah Carey.
Respect.
We has gotta have a break now 'cause Posh is gonna do a bit of breast-feeding backstage.
Just out of interest, is there one going spare? [laughter in audience] Check you laters.