Ali G Rezurection (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

Police

Neighborhood.
Like most kids growing up in the UK, it was always me dream to one day come to America and sell drugs on the streets of Compton.
Just by walkin' around here, I is riskin' me life.
A bunch of cops could beat me up just 'cause of the color of me skin.
Man, it would be Larry King all over again.
Keep ireal and check out da show.
West, West.
'Ello.
Where is we going to now? Oh, we're going to Valor Hall, and in Valor Hall, we'll meet Sergeant Hyers, who's gonna take us through some of the recruit scenario training.
Okay, what's gonna happen here today is you're gonna actually participate in some Philadelphia Police recruit training.
- Wicked, man.
- Okay? We're gonna do some scenarios in which the officers will actually respond to some incidents.
You're gonna be 2310 car, and any time you hear 2310 on the radio, you'll push the side button and you'll say, "2310.
" This is Officer Brinkman.
This is your new partner.
You introduce yourselves.
- Yo, respect.
- Hi, howdy.
How are you doing? Yo, Brinkman, is you good cop and I is bad cop? - Well, you're - Who's the good cop, who's the bad cop? No, it's not we're gonna go and handle a situation.
- Yo, yo, yo, we're going.
- 2310 car.
There you go, 2310.
Yo, dis be me, the main man, 2310 with my man Brinkman.
All right, take 8501 State Road and meet the complainant for the report of a burglary.
- No doubt.
- You know what a burglary is? - For real, I's done a couple.
- Okay.
- All right, you go in first.
- No, put that down.
- Why? - We don't need it.
- I give you cover.
- Okay, all right.
Yo, we is here looking for burglary.
- This is my partner, MC.
- Yo.
Yes, okay, what's missing? - You're his partner? - Yes, I am.
- 13-inch color television.
- Okay.
Oh, yeah, how do we know you ain't lyin'? How do we know there was a telly? What was you watchin'? - Well, he wasn't here when it happened.
- That's good.
So he claim.
Number real quick phone number.
- Five - Oi, that ain't the time to get her number, man.
Four-five? If you have any more questions, just give me a call.
- Okay.
- He's crap.
- We have to - Yo, this be 2310.
We be back on the road after my man Brinkman finally finished his shit.
Okay, no profanity there.
Yo, I'm gonna put on the siren.
Got the siren on.
No, don't put that out the window.
- Here.
- What happens if they see us? Wha no, keep it down.
You have to keep it down.
- All right, so they don't know.
- Not yet, not yet.
Here, you can take this when we get out.
- Wicked.
- All right? Yo, what's the matter with you? Some guys jumped us.
They beat us up.
You have to put this out.
Look, look, look.
- Three men - Yo, three men.
- one black male, one white male - Say 2310.
2310, there's three men.
One brother, one honky, and one S.
What's the S? - Spanish.
- One Spanish.
We refer to the person as a white male, not as a honky.
- Why not? - A honky in the United States is not a nice term for a male - for a white person.
- Why not? - It's, like, an ethnic slur.
- Ah, for real, but they say, "You can be a honky, but you can still be hung like a donkey.
" - Possibly, sure.
- 2310 car.
They is calling our name on the thing.
Yo, this be 2310.
You're supposed to be at the cone shack right in the middle of the driving course.
- Okay.
- The cone shack? We have a report of a burglary.
Okay, all right, look, this is what we do on a man with a gun call.
Okay, there he goes.
Tell him to put his hands up.
Yo, mofo, put up your hands or you is gonna be shot by us.
Okay, tell him you see the gun.
I can see the [bleep] gun.
Put them up.
You can't curse, you can't curse.
- You can't curse.
- Tell him to put his face in the ground.
Yo, stick your head in that ground, eat the dirt.
Okay, now put that down.
Okay, walk around him.
Put your right hand up, sir.
- What's he got? - Get one hand free, take the gun.
- Where's he got a gun? - Where do we see it? Put your gun away.
No, don't point it at him.
It's a fake gun.
He's got a fake gun.
- Okay, that's fine.
- He's got a fake gun.
- That's fine.
- You still do the job.
All right, he tried to do this with a fake gun.
- He might have another one.
- He thought that was funny.
- Hold.
- He might have another gun.
You thought that was funny, doing this fake gun on this.
Roll over, sir.
You picked the wrong cop to [bleep] around with, slimeball.
Okay, we don't talk like that in Philadelphia.
Search him, come on.
You wanna be a cop or not? For real, I just don't like touching blokes.
Let's go.
Let's go, we're wasting time.
A crowd's starting to form.
We wanna get out of here.
Let's go.
You don't need your gun.
What do you need your gun for? - Whoa, whoa.
- Now, really, what can you feel with that? - I don't wanna touch.
- You've gotta touch.
Do you want to be a cop or not? You came here saying, "I want to be a cop.
" Yeah, all right, I wanna be ah, look what we got here.
- Oh, what do you got? - Oh, where'd you get this from? - All right, he's got money.
- All right.
No, don't put it in your pocket.
- Why not? - He's gonna say you stole it.
But he probably nicked it from someone.
He's handcuffed.
Put it back in his pocket.
Did you? Did you get that money from someone? - It's my money, man.
- Put the gun away.
- Come on.
- All right.
- There, take your hand.
- Yo! You gotta touch.
There you go.
- That's what we do, all right? - That is disgusting.
All right, here we go.
And that completes Cop 101 here at the Philadelphia Police Academy.
How'd it go? What you think? Respect.
Do you think I could make a good cop? Uh, probably not.
Yakshemesh.
In U.
S.
and A.
, if you want to marry a girl, you cannot just go to her father's house and swap her for 15 gallons of insecticide.
Before American woman will allow you in her vagine, you must do something called dating.
My name is Jenny.
Pleased to meet you.
Hello, Jenny.
Nice to to meet you.
Thank you for coming in today to see - if Great Expectations is right for you.
- Yes.
What would you like to see happen if you met your ideal woman? I will love her.
We will be as one.
- So - I will give her television, remote control, - a red dress I hope will fit - So you're saying you have a good life - and back home you can provide for her a good life - Yes.
- and that's what you would like to do? - Yes.
- Okay, great.
- But if she cheat on me Why you laugh? I think that's sweet.
Keep going.
Yes, but if she cheat on me, I will crush her.
You will crush her? Well, honey, that's not gonna qualify you with our membership if you're prepared to crush a woman.
- You can break up with her and divorce her.
- Yes.
But you cannot no crushing.
Why don't you give me a little bit on personality traits that you're looking for? Yes, I want her to be blonde.
I want her to have no history of retardation in family.
If possible, she must have plow experience.
You're not gonna find Americans with plow experience, just to let you know.
Us American women, we don't have plow experience.
But not much.
Maybe one year or Honey, I have zero plow experience.
And she must have a good physique and she must be tight like a man's anus.
Okay, attractive.
What about race? - Uh - You're open to all races? - Yes, but no Jew.
- No Jewish, okay.
All right, so why don't you tell me what you enjoy? What are your interests? I like play table tennis.
I like shoot dog.
- I like - Snoop Dogg? - Shoot dog.
Shoot.
- Okay.
Should I tell people that I am good at sex? - No.
- But I am very But you don't want to say that 'cause a woman but I am more good than many men and I am In America, if you say that on your profile, if you do that here, a woman is not gonna go out with you because then she thinks that's all you want.
Even though I am big like a can of Pepsi? It doesn't matter.
Women in America feel that any act of sex be it oral, physical - What's it mean what means oral? - Mouth.
- I like in the mouth very much.
- But that's what we're talking about.
Women in America feel that any act of sex with somebody else, - even if it's using your body, your sexual organs, - Yes.
your mouth, your hand, whatever - I like a mouth.
- We think that's cheating.
Do I need to bring a gift? Here's a mistake that a lot of men make in America, and that is they bring too many gifts.
What size gift will get me entry to her? Well, getting you entry what do you mean by entry? To her vagine.
- Oh, if you want to go to bed with her? - Yes.
Well, I can't say because everybody's different.
How do I show her I have a senses of humor? Well, you have to practice it first.
- Yes, I have a joke.
- Uh-huh.
- There is a chair.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, the chair walk with her shoes.
La la la la la la.
- The chair is walking.
- Right, right.
- Yes.
- Well, it's a funny image.
Yes, it is nice.
- I should tell this joke? - Probably not.
My name Borat.
- Your name, please? - Guinevere.
Should I tell her she remind me of my wife? Do you have a wife? - She is dead.
- Oh, okay.
Nobody wants to be reminded of somebody who's dead.
Yes, I do not care about her.
She is gone.
Yes, right.
But once a person's dead, you should really put that aside.
- Yes, I know.
- Yeah.
Well, you probably look for some othe same qualities that you were attracted to in your wife.
- No.
- The "same qualities" that you liked in your wife, if they were some things you liked about your wife.
Did you like some things about your wife? No.
You remind me of my wife.
My first my older wife.
- Okay, your previous wife? - She is yes.
- Okay.
- Why you laugh? She dead.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
What should I talk about with her? Talk about the environment you're in, talk about what she does for a living and about her.
I have now been one week without any sexy intercourse.
My my, uh klum, my sack, is heavy.
How old is your child? How do I find if she will be a cheat? Okay, or anything negative? - Yes, but - Cheat you, take money from you - No, not a criminal.
- That kind of cheat? A cheat, a woman who go with another man and Oh, screw around on you.
Okay.
Right.
Hmm.
Well, that's why you need to date her for a while before you get married.
You come back my country.
I will look after you.
I will give you money.
I will give you automobile car and television, remote control.
We'll be together.
But if you cheat on me, I will crush you.
- That's what I don't like either.
- Yes, I do not like I don't like men that cheat on me.
How do I know if she want me to take her? - Go to bed with her? - Sexytime, yeah.
Whether or not she wants you to go to bed with her? How do you know that? When do we have sexy intercourse? Well, whenever you both agree on that.
No, when do me and you have sexy intercourse? - Me and you? - Yes.
Well, that's not gonna happen.
Do you wish me success tonight? I wish you success in the future with dating and relationships, - and I wish you the best.
- Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Also, jetzt bin ich hier mit Paul Wilmot.
Okay, great, I am here with Paul Wilmot.
He is the god of seating plans, choosing which celebrity goed with who.
That's right.
Let's say I'm judge and jury, and it's our job to put the right people in the right seats.
So, what is Paul Wilmot? Well, I'm years of experience in the fashion business.
For about seven years, I was in charge of public relations for Calvin Klein.
- Wow.
- For the whole world.
Let's talk about who are the in celebrities and who are the out celebrities? If they are in, we go, "Wass up?" Yeah, you go, "Wass up?" And if they are out, you go, "Ich don't think so," and you go like that, ja? So, I'll ask you the name yes? So, "Wass up?" and "Ich don't think so.
" - Okay.
- So, Jennifer Lopez.
Oh, what's up, double what's up.
- She's fabulous.
- Wass up, wass up.
Wass up, she's a double.
Debbie Harry'.
"Wass up?" or "Ich don't think so.
" Well Debbie Harry's having a second moment.
And I mean maybe one year ago, it was "Ich don't think so," now she has a chance to be "Wass up?" Like Marianne Faithfull is having a "Wass up?" moment, too.
But was she "Ich don't think so"? - Absolutely, for 20 years.
- She was "Ich don't think so.
" "Ich don't think so" for 20 years, now "Wass up?" Who else is "Ich don't think so" at the moment? Well, I mean, Celine Dion.
"Ich don't think so.
" I mean, you know, I mean, let's face it.
In fact, she's even talking about doing a clothing line.
"Ich don't think so.
" If you want to make sure that the show is classy, who do you make sure that you do not have which celebrities? I would a lot I mean, again, Barbra Streisand, not to pick on her, but Barbra Streisand, she would go to the opening of the "Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung" geschaft.
We're doing a charity as well.
We're doing a lot of things with these deaf children, which we're really getting behind now, teaching them about sexual responsibility and safe sex.
- You can give them a message? - Yeah, I mean No, they can't hear you, they can't hear you.
Just, like, do something for them about safe sex, just how to keep safe sex.
- Just be - But not with words.
Don't they won't be able Say no.
Be careful.
Just be careful.
You can do no words, just Be careful, be careful.
Don't do it.
Be careful.
Cool.
Do you need any more models? 'Cause I I'm, like, Chrysler's muse in Austria.
Seriously, I'm I don't think we need any male models.
We've got about 40 of them.
I just wanted to say, if you want, I'm here.
- You know who I am, yes? - Mm-hmm.
- Bruno.
- Yes.
Chrysler's muse.
You know the designer Chrysler? - Oi, and you're - Yeah, from Austria.
I'm his muse.
- Oh, great.
- I'm here if you want.
- I don't mind.
- No, I have all the male models.
- They're here.
- Yeah, but if you want, I don't mind.
- I won't charge you anything.
- Oh, great.
- You want? - For the moment, it's okay.
I am doing the end, but with your underpants.
Can I borrow your underpants? - Like, right now? - Yeah, like for the end.
- Sure.
- Okay, great.
- You wanna wear them? - Oh, wait a minute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for the finale.
Uh, I need to wear them for the finale.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
What is legal? Well, I think most conduct that all of us engage in a day-to-day basis is legal.
- So, what is ilegal? - What is ilegal, is what the elected representatives of the people define as crimes.
What is barely legal? Well that's when you get into technicality and that's what you have trials.
'Cause me saw this film called Barely Legal 3.
And it was about these two naughty college girls and them 'done their 'omework, and then as punishment with their supervisor, this teacher.
Is that's to do with the law? Uh it's hard to say, that would probably be govern by the rules of the institution, the college.
'Yo, well in this institution, it was very strict rule, that if you didn't do your 'omework, you'll get boned.
Right, right.
Well, that's a law of sorts.
- 'Yo, well is a well good law.
- Yeah.
- 'As you seen that film? - Yes? No, I haven't.
- You should check out.
- But I will now, because you've recommended it.
- 'Yo, I mean, is well good - Barely Legal? - Barely Legal 3.
- Three.
Okay.
Good.