Ali G Rezurection (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

ATF

[birds chirping] [clicks] False ripe and kibba ya mouth.
Back in da year twenty thousand, me was given me own show.
But 10 years later, the telly industry is in crisis.
Some people thinks it might not even be around much longer and will be extincted like that amazing bird the Dildo.
The main reason for dis is the Intranet, which is now everywhere, meaning that any bellend can be the host of their own show even if them don't have the brainac mental-titude of the professionals like yours truthfully, a'ight? So check out me own show.
Bust a blank, innit! West, west.
[music] 1x03 - ATF 'Ello.
[snaps] Check dis out.
I is with none other than my main man, Sam Donaldson.
Him be the boss man of ABC News, and today we is chattin' about da media.
Let's talk about when the media actually changed events in politics.
Does you remember when the two journalists brought down the government over the scandal of "Water World"? - Well, Watergate here? - Well, I think it's "Water World," innit? You're confusing it with "Stargate.
" Well, are you talking about when we had a president named Nixon? For real.
And there was a burglary at a complex called Watergate? There ain't no connection between this and the bloke from "Dances With Wolves"? No.
And that's where I thought you were going.
"Water World" was a very bad movie, in my estimation.
Yo, yo, yo.
No doubt.
Why don't they make that clearer to young people? That's what we're doing.
That's what you're doing.
- Respect.
- Congratulations.
[music playing] - What is "bias"? - We all have biases.
Meaning, we have an idea of the way things are, without reference to what we actually can see.
So, how does you stop "germalists" putting little words in that is hints of how them actually feel? Like say, yo, "Today President Bush, who is a dong, talked about the economy.
" Would they be allowed to say that? Well, you could say that.
But if I were your boss, I'd fire you.
But how does you stop the "germalists" givin' over their opinions just by their body language? Sayin', "Yo, today, President Bush" and then going "spoke to the vice president" you know.
If you did that, I'd fire you.
I couldn't stop you, but I'd fire you and you wouldn't be on the next day, going - No.
- So, has a "germalist" ever been fired for being biased and doing things like that? I don't know of an American journalist who's done things like that.
[music playing] So what does you do when there ain't nothing that's happened in the news that day? There's always something that happened.
But if it's a bit of a boring day for news, does you sometimes make a headline on the newspaper saying, "War Begins"? Well, if there's no war that begins, - but you say "war begins" - A'ight.
no one's going to buy your newspaper the next day because they'll be onto the fact that you don't know what you're talking about.
But you could always put on page 2, "War Begins with a 'W.
'" That is how you spell it, innit? - Yeah.
- For real.
So you ain't lyin'.
But people would everyone would buy your paper 'cause no one else is reporting on this.
"Yo, so let's get the one with all the war thing in it.
Wicked.
Oh, it begins with a 'W.
' I knew that.
Let me read some other things.
" [music playing] So, does people get their news now more from telly or from newspapers? Television, in this country.
Ain't the problem with newspapers that after about a week, - the news is well out of date? - Oh, they are! You buy a newspaper every day to find out what the latest news is.
Well, you don't need to buy it every day.
What do you mean, you don't need to buy it? You don't need to do anything, except pay taxes and die.
Yo.
Well, you don't always have to pay taxes.
- I know I, but - Is this a confession, right now? - No, no, no.
- Should I call the law? No, no, no.
'Cause I I don't because of it's a complicated thing I can't really chat about here.
Whatever.
Yo.
So, let's talk about - Call the law! - No, don't.
Shit.
[music playing] Yakshemesh.
In US and A, very rich people like to drink wine.
It is like Kazaki wine, but not made from fermented horse's urine.
I go to meet Mississippi gentleman to find more.
Jenqui.
[music playing] - Hi.
Welcome to Jackson.
- Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
Welcome to Jackson, Mississippi.
Thank you.
In tasting wines, there's three things that you watch and enjoy.
One is the color of the wine.
See how nice the color of this is? And the next thing is the aroma.
And you smell the product.
- Hold it.
- Man: Hold it by the stem.
Yeah, the proper way is right here.
He's gonna let you do this one.
- Here, wait.
- Let me let me.
Just do touch it like I did.
Here.
I want you to taste it.
- That's the proper way to take - Yeah.
Grab the glass like that.
- Is it glak? - Yes, it's a cup.
- So, grab that.
- This? No, the glass.
The cup.
Take the cup.
No, no, no.
Take the cup.
Here.
Yeah.
- You take it.
- Take the here.
- You want? - No.
You, here.
There you go.
Now.
- That's okay.
- You take it.
You hold it.
You hold it.
- Yeah, hold it.
- Okay.
Don't hold it up here, it makes it hot.
Okay.
- The proper way is like this.
- See his fingers? - Like this.
- You want to taste No, you're gonna taste that one, I'm gonna taste this one.
- You want me take this? - Mm-hmm.
Just grab it, like this.
Yeah, well.
No, I'm not gonna hold it.
You take it.
You taste it.
This one.
- This one.
- This one.
Yes? Want to taste? He has a cold.
You might catch his cold.
No, no, no, here.
No, no, you - You drink.
You.
- Yes? - Okay? Yours.
Come on, okay? - Yes.
Okay.
I win! - What is this? - This is a zinfandel.
- 2002? - That's when it was made.
- Yes, is year my wife died.
- Oh, she did? 2002? Nice wine.
I like? Yeah, you like? Cheers.
See, in Kazakhstan sometimes [music playing] One, two, three.
Ain't that nice? Nice! Pour him a little in this one right here.
Notice how he pours how gently he's pouring the wine? - Yes.
- He turns the bottle.
It helps the wine to gently pour it.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, Robert.
Thank you very much.
- He is your slave? - No, no, no, no, no, not a slave.
- He is his slave? - No, no, no, no.
He's not a slave at all.
We don't have slaves here anymore.
Yes, I hear you do not have them anymore.
- No, no, no.
- Why you stop? No.
Well, it's a law that was passed that they no longer can be used as slaves.
- Which is a good thing.
- Yes.
It is a good thing for them, but, uh - But not so much for you.
- Right, right.
You would like very much my sister.
She is a beauty queen of Almaty.
- You want to see a picture? - Yes.
- You want to see a picture? - Yes! You would like her very much.
She want to move to US and A.
- How about that? - Wow wee.
She would want very much she would like you very much.
- She is beautiful.
- Wow wow wee wah.
- How about that? - She is a nice.
Beautiful young lady.
That's not your [laughing] We make a joke! We pretend to be husband and wife! We pretend to be husband - Oh, my goodness.
- She is crazy fun.
You'd like to meet? I think he would.
You are my best friend.
Do you like me? Yes, we do.
And we hope we're your friend.
- I like you.
- Absolutely.
- I like you.
- Yep.
My mother - she never loved me.
- Really? - She never loved me.
- I'll bet she did.
You just didn't she showed it in a different way.
No, she tell me sometimes she wish she was raped by someone else.
- No kidding.
- That I was never born.
- Well, she probably does.
- You must give me hug.
- She never hugged me! - Uh-oh.
- She never hugged me! - Oh, she didn't? She never hugged me.
You will hug me? I love you.
Hold me tight! - Hold me tight.
Hold me tight.
- You're an all right guy.
- Hold me tight.
- Right on.
I love you, too.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Very good to see you.
- You smell so good! You smell so good.
Why you smell? Oh, it's my skin.
I've got some real delicate skin.
It smells like that.
[laughing] It's been an honor to meet you.
We look forward to seeing you again.
[music playing] [music playing] So, what does ATF stand for? Alcohol, tobacco, firearms, and explosives.
- And what else does you sell? - Uh we don't sell anything.
- All right.
- So what we do here is provide a product for police officers worldwide the explosive detection capability with the dogs.
How many peoples works in the different branches? Right here at the center here, we have 23 people assigned here to take care of the canine training.
Most of the dogs we get are black in color.
We do get some yellows, and rarely we'll get some chocolate-colored ones, too.
Ain't that a bit racialist getting mainly black dogs to do this? Oh, not at all.
That's just part of the Labrador retriever breeding.
- A'ight.
- The black dogs are predominant.
But ain't it a bit racialist saying, all right, this is dangerous work, let's get the brothers in to go find the bombs? No, that has nothing to do with that.
Why do you choose dogs to decide where bombs is? Why don't you choose a more intelligent animal like a dolphin? Again, that'd be quite difficult to have a fish tank on a cart.
But I don't know if you know this, but dolphins ain't fish.
They is like us.
They is mammories.
Correct, but they have to get back to a water source every now and again.
That's why they say the extent of work you'd have to go into, versus a dog and then again, I don't know how good their sense of smell is compared to a dog.
- A'ight.
- Dogs are proven.
They've been used for a lot of years because of their phenomenal sense of smell.
So why does they stick their noses so close to each other's butty? Dogs, they give out, um, different scents to let the other dogs know what's going on.
That's why they're constantly smelling each other.
Because I once smelled a dog's ass and it was horrible.
- Why does they do it? - Different perception, though.
Something that's unpleasant to you isn't unpleasant to them.
- Has you ever smelled a dog's ass? - Can't say I have.
- This is Dabby.
- What? This is Dabby and this is John.
- Hello.
- John.
- Dabby? - No, he's Dabby.
Oh, all right.
Safe.
Where does you get the dogs from? We get the dogs from different guide dog agencies.
A'ight.
So does you interview the dogs or does you get, like, one of the senior dogs to do it? Um, the different trainers, actually, we'll go up and we'll evaluate the dogs.
Why don't you use one of the dogs who's been here for, like, years to interview them? 'Cause they will know whether it's good or bad? Right, right.
Well, we like to set our dogs are busy, they're out looking for explosives.
So they don't have the time to go up there and interview the other dogs, so we do it ourselves.
So can these dogs smell drugs? - No.
- Thank God.
- Not at all.
- Yo, respect.
- You're safe.
- What? - Why? How's you know? - Because you said thank God.
- What, I say that out loud? - Yeah.
- I don't have anything on me.
- You're all set.
[music playing] So, yatsbinnershim mit der Pastor Quinn.
So I am here with Pastor Quinn.
Hi.
So tell me tell me about yourself.
What do you do? Yes, I'm a pastor.
A pastor of a local church here in Little Rock, Arkansas.
And I also am married.
My wife's name is Beth.
- And we have eight children.
- Wow! Great.
And tell me about the stuff you are doing saving gay people.
Well, we have opportunity in fact, right now, I am teaching through the Book of Romans.
And that's in the New Testament.
- And in the Book of - Great, I love Romans.
Yes, and in the Book of Romans in Chapter 1, there's actually a mention of homosexuality.
So why is being gay so out this season? Well, I think because there are people who find homosexuality to be repugnant to them.
I think I may be becoming a little bit gay.
Because I had sex with this Brazilian guy.
Like, really, really cute.
And, like, immediately after I was spritzin, I was immediately upschtaine immediately afterwards and ready to go again.
What do you think that means? Well, I think if in fact you did have a sexual relationship with another man, of the same sex as yourself - Yes? - Then that's a homosexual act.
- And it could be just one act - Right.
- or it could be a series of acts.
- No.
A lot.
Many.
And that means that you are involved in homosexuality.
I'm curious about becoming straight, but I've got a few questions first.
Will I still be able to hug men? Of course.
It's a hug of affection because we're brothers and sisters in Christ with no sexual connotation whatsoever.
So, hypothetically, according to you, I can admire a man's penis in the shower, but the moment I put it in my mouth, some sort of line has been crossed? Well, again, that's putting sexual connotations - that is forbidden by God's word.
- After I'm converted, could I choose to spend my life with a chick with a dick? Uh, you're talking about someone who's had some kind of operation? Yeah.
He's almost all the way there, but he's just got a little something to remind me of the good old days.
Well, I would say again, the issue is if a person has come out of a lifestyle in which they've had physical changes through an operation, - you have to know what their heart is.
- Let's talk about you for a moment.
So how many years have you been straight? - I've been straight all my life.
- What? I've never had a homosexual relationship.
So, what, you've never had a walk on the brown side? Never.
So if I was to give you a lap dance right here and now, you're telling me you wouldn't be turned on? Absolutely not, because it's forbidden by the word of God.
- Okay, can I try it? - No.
Are you scared that you'll be turned on? No, I'm a Christian minister and it's absolutely inappropriate.
So if Freddie Prinze Jr.
crawled in here now on all fours, are you telling me you wouldn't want to undress him? The Book of Job says in a verse that Job would not put any worthless thing before his eyes and that he would not look upon a virgin.
So let's go through some things that would be okay and not okay.
If they are okay, just say "ach ja.
" If they're not okay, say "Zat's a nicht nicht.
" So showering with a friend, ach ja or a nicht nicht? Absolutely not.
It's forbidden by God's word.
- Which one is it, nicht nicht or ach ja? - Nicht nicht.
- Watching "Will and Grace"? - It's ungodly.
Nicht nicht.
- Being fabulous? - What does that mean? - You know, just being fabulous? - That's that's nicht nicht because 1 Corinthians 6 says that's an effeminate lifestyle.
That's forbidden by God's word.
Eating brunch? If you're eating brunch with Christian friends and there's no one else around that's gonna seduce you into sin, - it's okay.
- It's a? It's a? - Ach ja.
- Ach ja.
Eating very, very chocolaty stuff all the time.
If, in fact, you are doing it because that's a part of a homosexual lifestyle, nicht nicht.
If you are eating a chocolate dessert after a meal and you're doing it with the fellowship of Christian friends, ach ja.
[music playing] My name is Sam Donaldson and I've got a message for you.
News ain't just for the white man, it's for the bros and sisters, too.
Respect.
Mad props to the hood, yo.
Mad props to the hood, yo.
- What in God's name is this? - Respect.
Safe.