Ali G Rezurection (2014) s01e04 Episode Script


1 Everything cris! The sea is part of somethin' called the "enviralment," and we is got to protect it.
Global warming does exist, as the scientologists have proven, and the ice cubes is actually melting.
Listen up, brethren water levels is risin'! Hear this at 8:30 this morning, the sea was way back there.
Now, it is way up here.
By this time tomorrow, it will be up past the Hollywood sign, innit? Now, the ocean might look like a shithole with no McDonald's or nothing, but there is lots of amazing stuff 'ere.
They is even got their own drugs called seaweed.
It's a bit crap.
I smoked it and it didn't do nothing.
I is hopin' there is seacrack 'n' all, and I ain't talkin' about a dolphin's punani.
Easy now! Check out me show.
1x04 - Environment Booyakasha.
Yeah Something I got to tell you about The carjacking, everybody's gonna scream and shout You see the man put the nine to your head "Pop, pop!" You could be dead.
Everybody is talking about the environment thing.
What is they banging on about? I don't know.
That is why I is come down to the tree protesting site, to solve the problem of the environment.
And maybe to mash up some police.
We here at the HQ of the tree people.
Gonna go in, help them out.
For them people out there, what is they actually doing? They why is they here? Because there's so little space from what I can gather, there's so little space left in London, and they want to put a multistory cinema complex and a rooftop car park for 1,000 cars.
But is it gonna be one of them new cinemas with air-conditioning and Dolby Surround and all that? Well, I don't know.
It would be a modern structure of some sort.
But they is wicked, no? Should they not build this one and knock down the crap ones and then build trees there? We is now gonna meet the main copper, the guy who's solving it all out.
If it comes to Iraq, who do you think's gonna win? - It isn't gonna come to Iraq.
- Well, if it does.
No, it's not gonna come to Iraq.
This is being dealt with as peacefully as possible.
Is it possible for us to get in? Not at this stage, because it's still dangerous.
- Is it 'cause I is black? - Not at all.
Do you not think it's time for those protestors to start looking after themselves and protecting themselves proper? Well, violence doesn't solve anything, does it? - Well, I don't know.
It does.
- It does and it doesn't.
Yeah, but it mainly does.
- Not really.
- Come on.
You can't conquer nothing with violence, can you? - Well, you can.
- In what? - In what situation? - Well, in a violent one.
Who are the pixie people? Are you one of the fairy folk? Who are the pixie people? Are you one of the fairy folk? Who are the pixie people? Are you one of the fairies? Do you like this planet? - Do you want to see it go up in smoke? - No! La, la All right.
Me has heard both sides of the argument.
Me don't understand either of them.
But me is well up for Iraq anyway.
Booka, booka, booka, hear me now, hear me now.
Shut the fuck up! This is serious, you wanker! You can take our trees, you can take our trees, but you can't take our freedom! You can take our trees, but you can't take our freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Come on! Me gonna have a little go.
- Me gonna have a little go.
- Arrest him! Is it because I is black? So let's talk about e-volution.
What exactly is it? It's the belief that all of the different kinds of life on the world today are descended from the same ancestral organism.
So what is we humanoids evolutioned from? We evolved from apes.
So you is basically saying somewhere down the line, me nan did it with a monkey? Er, not exactly, but we did descend from apes.
Do you think me Uncle Jamal might have recently evolved? 'Cause he has got a very hairy back and also one of them beards - that stops right up there.
- Nope.
So when will the monkeys that live now become 'umans? Nothing says that they will.
If I kept a monkey in a fridge for a million years, and then I took it out, would it be a humanoid? - Nope.
- It would be naked, though, wouldn't it? Uh you mean in terms of not having any hair? - Clothes.
- It's hard to say.
It's very difficult to predict how evolution goes in the future.
But what happens if monkeys look at the humanoids and think, "All right, I want to be them.
I is well jealous, 'cause they is having a laugh.
" Then they'd say, "All right, let's do it.
Let's do the let's do the evolution"? That's not how evolution works.
You can't - you can't - So you claim.
So you claim.
Right, so I claim.
So I But I think this is we regard it as an "informed" claim.
If you shaved the monkey, would it look like a 'uman? Would it look like it? It might, superficially.
- Has you ever tried it? - No.
Why not, if you is doing the study? Surely that would be the first thing you went about doing.
Well, why would we, why would we do that? What would we gain by that? To see if that we really is evolutionized from the monkeys.
Shave 'em, let's have a look.
Well, I guess people have done that in other ways.
- Aside from shaving, they've taken - Waxed? No, they've taken rulers or tape measurers.
Me nan sometimes says to me that I is an animal if I start chucking things around or don't wipe it properly.
- Is she right? - Well, you she may be saying that reminds you you remind her of an animal because of things that you're doing.
If she says, "Hey, you is an animal," I say, "Yeah, so what?" - Well, technically - "You did it with a monkey.
" - You could say - "What is you talking to me about?" What is the point of animals, Professor? What do you mean by "the point"? - They exist.
They're here.
- But ain't most of them, with the exceptions of monkeys and scorpions, with full respect to you, a bit crap? I think they're pretty they're pretty important.
Yeah, but you would say that, because your job is on the line.
Why don't we give animals an ultimatum? "Either do something useful, or piss off.
" Which animals do you want to say that to? To animals, all the animals that ain't doing something useful.
But I'd say I think a lot of them are doing something useful.
Do you eat meat? Well, yeah, I eat, you know, burgers and all that kind of stuff.
- Well, that comes from animals, right? - Or not.
Do they? Do they? Where does hamburger come from? - Comes from McDonald's.
- Where does McDonald's get it? From America.
And where we don't just raise hamburgers here.
- You make them? - Comes from cattle.
Does it, though? What happens if different types of animals fall in love? Doesn't happen very often as far as everybody knows.
And if they were, they wouldn't produce an offspring in those cases.
It wouldn't amount to anything.
But what if the crocodile see the flamingo and think, "I love her.
" Would you step in and say, "No, that ain't right"? - Would I? No.
- Hmm.
It's like me and me Julie, though.
Because she comes from the East side of town, and me come from the West side of town.
"West side.
" And they said that it was wrong that we was meant to be together.
But the first time we got jiggy, she actually came, so that can't be wrong, can it? It's whatever you think.
Is there any "butty" animals? - What does that mean? - You know, funny animals.
You mean, ones that appear funny to us? No, no, no.
You know "over the hill and around the corner.
" Uh - So, why is all giraffes gay? - Why are giraffes gay? - Why is all giraffes gay? - Who says they are? - Well, they look it.
- Well Is there anything we can learn from the animal kingdom? There's a tremendous amount we can learn from non-human animals.
How come we can't excuse me French, lick our own nuts? If they can do it and me dog can do it, and that dancer, the Irish bloke, can do it, how come we can't do it? It's just a question of anatomy, how we're built.
But do you think with evolution, then in the future we'll be able to do that? It's hard to say.
- We can hope, though, huh? - That's right.
I am here now with Lady Chelsea to learn how to be real gentleman.
- Okay.
- It's very nice to meet you.
- Very nice.
- I'll do my best.
How can you tell if someone is polite - when you first meet them? - You don't, really.
I mean, perhaps it's the way they say hello - and shake your hand.
- Yes.
Is the way I dress nice? Is it okay? It's not a typically English way to dress.
- And my shoe, is good? - Shoes? Yes.
It is from a Shoe Express in Oxford Street.
Oh? All right.
That's fine.
Black, yes.
And what do will we eat at dinner soon? Lunch.
- Charlotte, this is Borat.
- How do you do? - How do you do? - And Bodrick, Borat.
How do you do? How do you do? - So, we have a toast.
- Yes, toast! Yes, yes.
- To Jenny and to television! - To Jenny, to television.
- And to Kazakhstan.
- And to Kazakhstan! - Thank you.
Thank you.
- Because I saw you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's nice! It's nice.
Do you have wine do you have wine in Kazakhstan? The real idea, if somebody gives you a nice glass of white wine, you should sip it.
Imagine you're making love.
You don't want to do it too quickly.
To make love? To have sex? - Well, now you're going to confuse him.
- Everything slowly.
Yeah, don't make love too quickly, otherwise it's over too quickly.
Ah, yes! I like to last a long time! Oh, that's wonderful! That's perfect! Is that good.
I am good.
I am good.
And what subject do we talk about? Anything, really.
Depends who starts it.
I mean, you could start off by what would you say? - Anything that comes into your head, really.
- Yes.
This is very nice.
- My wife, she is dead.
- Oh! Why? - How did that happen? - What happened? - She die, in the field.
- How? She died from work, but with, uh, accident.
But is not important, I have a new wife.
Is it okay to talk about what I did last night? Yes, as long as you don't go into lots of details, - whether it be I don't know.
- Yes? Oh yes, if you said, - "Yes, I went to see a film last night.
" - Yes.
- Last night I have sex.
- Really? See, I told you you shouldn't mention your - what you did last night.
- No.
You say I could say what I did last night.
No, you can say you went to see a film.
But it was nice! She was lovely.
And how do I say I do not want to be rude what if I need to do a toilet? You just say, "Oh, just excuse me for a while.
" - "Excuse me for a while.
" - Yeah.
Please excuse me, I will go for a minute.
- Okay.
- Certainly.
- Please excuse me.
- Certainly.
- Here he comes.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
Would you like some more potatoes and peas? Because you haven't had any meat.
- Would you like some more? - Or we have a pudding.
- Eh - Or do you want to have a lovely dessert? - We have pudding, you know.
- Sweets? Yes, dessert thank you.
I had a good shit.
Don't say that.
- You didn't have any dog.
- You don't say that.
You know the Chinese, when they say they've had a good meal, there's a huge amount of horrendous gurking and burping.
What to do? What is "gurking"? When you go Oh! High five, high five! - Goodness gracious me! - Yeah, you do it, eh? - No, I can't do it.
- I can't do it.
Oh! - Don't do it.
- That is absolutely outrageous! Thank you.
I can, like this? - Good to have met you.
- Yeah, that's nice.
Bare cheek.
Oh-hh! And big nose.
Uh, it was very nice - To have met you.
- to have met you.
- Very good.
- To have met you.
- Correct.
Au revoir.
- Thank you.
How do you do? - Bye.
- Bye.
We have an animal here in the studio.
- Should we get it out? - Mm-hmm.
What the [bleep] is that, man? - What is that? - It's a hedgehog.
A little wild creature.
When they're afraid, they go into a ball.
- Ah, that's wicked.
That's cool.
- No it isn't.
- You like that now? - Yeah, but after about five minutes, after they done that, why would you want to keep them? Because it's part of our heritage to have wild animals You're asking the question - as though the value of that animal - A'ight? or a flower, or anything, could only consist in, could only be its value to you.
- Okay.
- "That's funny.
I can eat it! I'm getting a laugh out of that.
" Or it makes a good football or whatever.
- That would make a good football.
- Yeah, not a bad one.
But but - It's illegal now.
- What? That is illegal? - It is, a long time.
- Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
Liz, what if a kid is poor and don't have enough money - to buy a good quality football? - You can't buy - Very good.
- Liz, it is interesting, because it is only in the last three or four years that it has been illegal for a child to kick a hedgehog because, well, "Hell, I like kicking hedgehogs.
" - That's right.
- I'm not talking about anyone, "pff," but But what I was thinking about, they're little mammals.
To that extent, they would feel pain.
Well, let's talk about people who teach their pets special things.
Is that wrong? Because me got this mate Dave, him teach his pet to, like, go, "Wicked!" When he slap it.
It is amazing thing to do.
The pet can go, "Wicked!" This little dog.
Michael, don't this guy this dog that has been just as a little jab with the fork or whatever, ain't it enjoying that? I don't know what you mean by "little jab with a fork or whatever.
" - Yeah.
- That rather worries me, really.
Wait, it don't hurt it don't bleed or anything like that.
And I ain't never done it, but this is a guy I know.
"Just a pinprick," as they say in the laboratory.
Is it wrong for people to do experiments on animals in their own home? Well, I would say it's wrong and unscientific.
'Cause we did a thing years ago with this mouse in this microwave or whatever, to try about nuclear to do a nuclear test to see if it could, you know, survive the nuclear thing, and it did survive.
It came out and it was hot or whatever, but it was still alive.
- Is that wrong? - Yes.
That's pretty fiendish.
So, Mikey, Mikey, has you ever eaten the meat? Oh, no! I couldn't.
What happened if you had, like, Big Mac here, really nice.
- Did you say, "Big Mac"? - A'ight.
I'd go straight out of that door.
- Why? - A Big Mac? I've never set foot in a McDonald's yet.
Of course I wouldn't - I wouldn't dream of it.
- What happens if it was the best meat and the best if you don't like Big Mac or whatever - the best Chicken McNugget, whatever.
- Oh! Chicken McNugget? You mean that colonel? That bogus colonel? - No.
- Colonel.
What if it was free? - No, you have to think of it.
- Yes or no, what if it was free? Well, of course not! That's major What if someone paid you a hundred squid? - I wouldn't! - What happens if they say, "here's a chicken? You eat this, or we kill another chicken.
" No, that chicken is going to be killed anyway for you to eat.
Ali, I must tell you, you just asked the question which was the hardest question that the toughest moral philosopher when I did philosophy at university asked us.
Ali Indahouse! A'ight!