Ali G Rezurection (2014) s01e10 Episode Script


[snap] Everything cook 'n' curry, a'ight? The sea ain't just the place where plops go when you flush them down the bog.
It is also home to the three main kinds of fish dolphins, the fillet of fish, and the fittest fish of all mermaids.
The tragedy of these simple sea bitches is that very few of them has got a punani.
So if you wants to bone them, you has to stick it in their gills or just jizz on their swingers.
Check out me show.
West side.
1x10 - Farm Keep it real.
Check this out.
The helection in America is a well himportant thing, so you better understand the politics of it.
That's why I's here with none other than my main man, Mr.
Patrick Buchanan.
So you better listen up and recognize.
Sir, how long was you president for? - Zero, I didn't make it.
I failed.
- What? Ain't that the problem, if you have a helection every however many years, if someone don't tell the whole truth, you's got him for, like, four years, innit? If the people make a mistake, they have to live with it for four years or they get their Congress to throw the president out.
But sometimes people lie to get in, like when me went for me introview for McDonald's in Staines, me said that me would work well hard, but the moment me got in there, me was eating, like, 15 McChicken sandwiches a day and selling a little bit a little bit of McGanja on the side.
And them only chucked me out when them found me wearing the Ronald McDonald costume bonin' me Julie in the bogs.
All right.
Here's what you do, though.
When you're there, then, your organization has rules whereby they can throw you out.
We have rules whereby you can throw out the president.
Does you tink that religion should be taught in schools? Uh, if it's voluntary, yes.
If it's mandatory, no.
Does you tink there's a way for people to make the way them teach religion more interesting? Yes.
- The movie "The Passion of the Christ" - A'ight.
is a very effective teaching tool, I think.
I heard that it ain't as good as "Lethal Weapon 3.
" No, I think it's slightly better than "Lethal Weapon 3.
" Ain't it basically a rip-off of "Gladiator"? - No, it's not at all.
- But it's like that kind of thing, innit? No, no, it's about the death and crucifixion of Christ.
Ain't you scared, though, that 'cause it's made so much cash, them will just make a sequel and it won't be as good? Like, you know, - have the bloke come back to life, whatever? - Probably.
What else is the helection gonna be fought on this year? It'll probably be about Iraq.
Does you fink Saddams ever was able to make these weapons of mass destruction or, as they is called, BLTs? - The was Saddam able to make them? - Could he make BLTs? Yes, at one time, he was using BLTs on the Kurds.
Was it worth fighting a war over BLTs? I don't think Saddam Hussein and Iraq were a threat to the United States, even if they had WMDs or BLTs, as long as they weren't nuclear weapons.
If you had the hevidence Saddam had these BLTs in his house, would you have said, "Yes, attack"? Not unless he had if he had anthrax, if he had mustard gas if he had mustard gas, no.
Let's say he didn't have mustard and the BLTs was just plain.
Would you have been able to go in there, then? No.
Is it ever worth fighting a war over sandwiches? Is it ever worth fighting a war? Yes.
If you becomes president again, what will you do? I would change the whole country dramatically, and that's why I'm not gonna be president.
Yo yo, for real.
I was feeling that, man.
Yo, is you mashed or something? You is, like, so giggly.
- Well, I'm - You had a little puff before? No yeah, a little puff before, sure.
He needs a bit of some of me own imports.
We'll talk business after.
Democracy is very different in U S and A from Kazakhstan.
In America, woman can vote, but horse cannot! I go to help a Republican Party candidate win election.
Uh, hello.
Thank you to speak me.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you for letting me come on.
Do you have policies? One of my main policies is that I'm pro-life.
- Yes.
- I believe human life should be protected.
I feel very strong about this because in Kazakhstan, my brother Bilo, he have a child, uh, born with hair all over face and nose.
On arms, hair.
Everywhere hair.
And his wife say, "Throw him.
" And I say, "No, keep him.
" And now he make them very much money and he travel around the country in a tent.
People pay money to see children like him and other strange ones.
Hmm, well, I'm glad that the choice was made for life.
Yes, in Kazakhstan, we like the family, but there are now some men who pretend to be married but in secret, they do bang-bang-bang in other men anus.
- What you call them here? - Uh, we call it "homosexual.
" So, which is the party of the homosexuals? They tend to go to the Democratic Party.
- What else, your policy? - Well, I'm a Christian.
- I've been a Christian since - Nice, I like.
I was about eight years old, I guess.
I want to go to this place h-heaven? Uh, which religion must I choose to go there? The Christian Bible says that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven.
If people choose the Jews, will they go heaven or hell? Hmm, well um, I would have to say that they would go to hell.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I'm James Broadwater.
I'm running for United States Congress in District 2.
Is your husband at home? Uh, we want to speak to somebody who can vote.
That's it, just me.
You can vote? But you are a woman.
- All women can vote.
- Oh.
- I wouldn't like it if I couldn't vote.
- Yes, why? 'Cause I feel like I'm equal with a man.
I don't want a man deciding what's best for me.
But a woman not equal to a man! No, in Kazakhstan, we say God, man, a horse, a dog, then a woman, then a rat, and then a smaller kartuli, like a little Yes? I'm running for United States Congress in District 2.
He is a strong man.
He will crush his opponents.
And he will be powerful like Stalin and not tolerate people who are bad.
Well, actually, I wouldn't compare myself to Stalin, but - Will you vote for my friend? - Well, I probably will, but I don't ever tell people who I'm gonna vote for before I vote.
If you do not vote for him, he will take power.
Hmm, well, it depends on whether he gets enough votes or not.
If you vote for him, he will make sure that you and your family will have a very good years.
But if you do not vote for him, you will be sorry.
- Okay, I hear you.
- Yes? - I hear what you said.
- I will not leave until you swear on the eyes of your child that you will vote for him.
See, we don't do that.
We don't that's not the way we do things in America.
Do you have any particular points on which you're running? People in Mississippi, on average, pay 31% of their income in taxes every year.
And I think we can do a whole lot better than that, you know? - That would be nice.
- I think it would be good for all of us.
- Yeah.
- I sorry to interrupt politic.
Please, is possible make a shit your house immediately? Very urgent.
I have problem, please? Excuse me? Is it possible make a shit your house now? - I have prob - You wanna use the restroom? Yes, please, urgent.
I have thank you.
I thought we wouldn't stay long in Mississippi, but it's been a pretty nice place.
Well, great.
- Great success.
- Good.
I believe family is very important.
Broadwater, do not have never, been ever with a man, is correct? That's correct.
And never ever, even as a child or experiment with lady boy? Nothing? Is true, yes? - Yes.
- I not lie.
We say in Kazakhstan, "a man who go to power must have a big" How you say? How you say uh, khrum, khrum.
How you say, uh, a khrum? You'd say lots of different things.
- How you say here? - Uh - Technically, it would be penis.
- Uh, no, no on the under.
- Testicles.
- Yes.
"He have very big testicles.
" Um, you want to touch? You want to show him? I'm sorry, I think that's entirely inappropriate.
- You know? - Why? That is not a customary thing here in the United States at all.
No, not at all.
You can touch me.
I do not mind.
I really don't want to.
I would like to learn from how to make a speech.
Uh, the biggest thing about speeches is to know your audience, know who you're talking to, and know what they care about.
As everyone know, today is 14th year anniversary of Tishnik massacre.
So, please now I ask you to stand and give them respect.
Please, we will have 10-minute silence.
Thank you.
Is it good to give a compliment to audience? Uh, yes, it's always good to give a compliment to the audience.
But it needs to be a sincere compliment.
It needs to be something that they feel comes from the heart.
I hope you all like me.
hope you like me very much.
I would like to do a romance inside of you.
But not only if she let me.
Not with force.
All day long, when I see you, I think of you no clothes.
Wowowwiwah! But is very wonderful.
Thank you to meet a great man.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Easy, now.
- Good day.
What be your name? I'm Dr.
George Washington.
- What? - Dr.
George Washington.
All right, wicked.
So, does vets mainly look after sick animals? No, we do a lot of preventive medicine, reproductive work, and everything.
Why was there so many sick animals in Vietnam? There there wasn't that many sick animals in Vietnam.
But weren't there, like, millions of Vietnam vets? You're confusing terminology here.
Okay, a veterinarian is a doctor of veterinary medicine.
- He's a person that treats animals.
- For real.
Ah, I's getting it.
So, loads of people went to Vietnam and then treated animals there.
No, no, no.
You're confusing the term.
- A'ight.
- I'm a veteran but I'm also a veterinarian because I served time - as a veterinarian in the military.
- For real? So, why does so many of those people from the military, then later on in life want to start working with animals? They don't.
They can do anything they want to.
There's no relation between a veteran of the military - and a veterinarian.
- A'ight, respect.
And you is? - I'm both.
- Oh, man, that's so confusing.
I don't understand it! So, to make this clear to young people out there, people who fights in wars is called veterinarians - No! - People who - Are called veterans.
- Whatever, veterans.
People who does the animal thing is called veterinar veterans.
- No, veterinarians.
- Veterinarians.
- Respect.
- V-E-T-E-R-I-N-A-R - it's veterinarians.
- When you was a kid, did you know that you wanted to grow up and be a veteran? Well, you're still confusing - just forget the word veteran, please.
- All right.
How often is animals actually sick and how often is they faking it just so them can get a day off work? Animals aren't faking it to get a day off work.
But what does you do if there's, like, a knock on your door and there's, like, a goat out there or whatever and he says he's got flu, but you know he's lying.
Does you tell the farmer? The goat doesn't talk to us.
It's the farmer that talks to us.
So, is there a lot of sex diseases with animals? There are a few, but not many that's transmitted.
Is that because most animals wear connies? No.
So, is you saying that the man cows just whip it out and jizz over their Babylons, or what? No.
So, how does they stop getting them preggers? So, is there any animals that ain't been discovered yet? There could be.
They've just found some in some of the jungles, different places that they didn't know existed.
Have you got any photos of the ones that ain't been discovered? No.
All right, what about a video or something, like Well, if you had a video, then they'd have been discovered! A'ight.
Not if they'd videoed themselves.
They aren't smart enough to operate a video.
Look at that [bleep] thing.
What's that? That's a chicken.
What? That thing? - Is a chicken.
- Is that a real animal? - That's a chicken.
- Check it out.
- Is you ever seen anything like that? - Yeah.
- Look at it.
- He's got feathers on his feet.
How come him is wearing that? That's the way Mother Nature that's the way his genes are he was born.
- So, where is, like, the tigers? - This is not a zoo.
This is a farm.
This is, like, uh this is more like a farm you is seen - probably when I was a kid.
- What about a "hippototamous"? Hippopota they're you go to the National Zoo and you can see them.
What, you ain't got them here either? No, this is not a zoo.
This is a farm.
You know what a farm is? Well, it's like a rubbish zoo, obviously.
Okay, I hope you learned something about animals - Yo, me learned a lot about animals.
- because you have a lot to learn.
- Keep it real.
- Okay.
- 'Nuff respect.
- Okay.
- Safe, wicked.
- Safe.
Listen up.
Me name be Buchanan.
Me knows 'nuff tings 'bout politics.
Get involved, Mac daddies.
Y'all better realize that nothin' be better way to get your kicks West side.