Ali G Rezurection (2014) s01e09 Episode Script


1 Wang belly and govern da ting, a'ight! Since this show was recorded 10 years ago, there is more equality.
Luckily, there ain't no longer prejudice against homo sapiens and we can celebrate that at last, batty men has got the same rights as normal people.
There has also been nuff medical advances.
Last year me Julie went to Lithuania and for just 60 squid she got a new pair of swingers.
Well, the left one is, the other one fell out.
So check out me show! De Rezurection of Ali G.
Everything cook and curry! Wes wes.
[title music] 1x09 - "Women" Keep it real.
[snap] Easy now.
If you ain't careful, sex can lead to some terrible things.
Herpes, squat rot, or even worse, something called a relationship.
That's why I is off to meet John Gray, to find out how to avoid one.
With men and women, does you think that men should marry only one woman? Does you believe in mahogany? I do.
I personally believe in monogamy, for me personally.
How come in some religions, it's all right to have more than wife? Like the "Morons," you know? Like sometimes I wish I was a "Moron.
" - Well, it's the Mormons or the Muslims.
- Well, whatever.
In both those religions it's okay to have more than more than one wife.
So I've helped lots of men with this who, you know, they'll be with a woman, she's great, and then they just lose interest and they don't understand because all these other women seem so much better.
For real, it's like with me Julie.
Me know there is definitely someone better.
Well, I don't know if she'd like to hear that.
No, I is told her.
But what you want to do is not tell her.
But then she get cocky or whatever, you know, like, "Look at me, I could get anyone.
" I say, "Yo, I could do a lot better than you.
So shut up.
" Well, that's not a nice thing to say.
Let me tell you about a problem that I got at the moment with me Julie.
'Bout two months ago, me convinced me Julie to let me take some, like, arty photos of her.
Like very tasteful or whatever.
- Anyways, I was showing them to me mates - Yes.
and then dem came up with this idea of, like, sending them to this magazine called "Shaven Amateurs.
" Anyway, dem published dem, and now me Julie is like, well-menstrual, really eggy.
What must me do? Well, you're gonna have to pay the price for that.
You violated her trust.
Oh no no.
She ain't worried about that.
- She just want half of the money.
- You need to find somebody who has professional standards of what the model would get.
So will me have to pay Snickers as well? I don't understand the Snickers thing.
She's, you know, holding a Snickers bar or whatever.
But I mean, to be fair, you can only see "ickers.
" - Okay, got it.
- But does me still have to pay them? 'Cuz it is, kind of in a way it's like advertising for them.
[music] What is the march about today on a very very basic level? I think it's about reproductive rights and our current administration's legislation that threatens a woman's right to choose.
Well I think that's also interesting because we're, you know, we're a lesbian couple and everything and - What? - We have not had abortions, but we are wanting to go down to the Mall and show our support.
Did you say that you is, you knows, some people is lesbians? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, we know each other.
- What, you two is? - We're a couple.
A couple of lezzes? Respect.
- Thank you.
- Yo.
- Last I looked.
- Total, total respect.
- Yo.
Wicked, yo.
- Thank you.
I love lesbians.
- Yo.
- Okay.
Yo, respect.
Just relax.
You know? You know.
I love it.
I is got loads of your videos and everything.
So it's wicked.
[music] So what's your opinion on abortion rights? - Or women's reproductive rights? - Yo, I is totally into abortion.
I is been responsible for at least five, so, you know, I is well up for it.
Find out what abortion is! Find out what it is! So why is you so pro-abortion? We're not pro-abortion, we're pro-life.
Has you ever had an abortion? No.
I've never had one.
Surely you should try something before you say it is bad.
- No.
- Oh, no.
We've known many, many women that have had an abortion.
But I was very, very anti-Burger King, but then, you know, me went there and me tried the flame-grilled Whopper and it was like, you know, it was amazing.
- What be your name? - Father Dean Schultz.
Yo, respect.
Is you very anti-abortions 'cause you yourself was aborted? No.
I wasn't aborted.
So you ain't never got a ho preggers? You ain't never got a ho preggers? No.
So is that because you use connies or does you fire blanks? This interview is over.
Call it choice! Call it murder! Just don't call it medicine! Can me have a go on the loudy? Hear me now, hear me now! Buckatabuckatabus! Hear me now, hear me now! Free Nelson Mandela! Free Nelson Mandela! Let's make this clear.
You is campaigning to make abortions cheaper.
- Why is that? - I'm completely against it.
I'd like to see Roe Vs.
Wade overturned.
Personally, I would wait until I was married to have sex with someone.
What? Is you married or not? No, I'm not married yet.
- So what? Is you a virgin? - Yeah.
[laughs] I don't mean to laugh, but you're joking? - No.
- This is going on telly, you know.
That's great.
Ask me how old I was when I lost me cherry.
Well, why don't you just tell me? 11 years old and she was like 24 and a model.
And she wanted more.
I just didn't want to commit, innit.
We shall overcome [beatboxing] # We shall overcome # I do believe Abortion! Deep in my heart A-abortion.
That we shall overcome someday.
Fresh! [music] Yekshemesh.
Kazaki people have many job opportunities here in US and A.
For a man, construction worker, taxi driver, or accountant.
For woman, prostitute.
I try to get American job.
What sort of things have you done work-wise? In Kazakhstan I was a make ice.
I was a gypsy catcher.
Also I work with animals.
Animals? In what respect? I make them have explosion for liquid for make more animals.
Oh, okay.
I specialty is camel.
I can pull a camel for in less than 20 minute for him to have a liquid explosion.
- Okay.
- I can do goat very easy.
In a less than minute.
Finger in anus, easy.
Tell me about a situation in your previous work experience where you were confident that you did something well that contributed to the organization.
When I work as animal puller, one time they said there is a camel, he can make no sexy time explosion.
- Okay.
- I say, "Please let a Borat try.
" - Mm-hmm.
- I go on my knees, I grip and pull - for two hours.
- Oh, gosh! - Grip, pull, grip, pull, grip, pull.
- Okay.
I my arm begin a to hurt, I cannot feel my arms, I carry on.
I do not care.
I tell them I will do it.
Grip, pull.
Grip, pull.
Then, after two hours, I hear [chittering] Okay.
I think something is arriving.
Something is arriving.
Then, fast, grip, pull, grip, pull, grip, pull - And then silence.
- Ahem.
And then explosion.
Very good.
As far as the activity of your involvement in producing semen from animals, what are your day-to-day activities? I take the box of cream.
I take a two animals, same size.
I lie on my back.
I take a same size and then I start to Some people can only do one like this.
- Uh-huh.
- If it is a camel, can only do one.
- Okay.
- Obvious.
And you have a collection small Uzbekistani boy collect.
[music] Tell me a little bit about what would your boss that you had at your last job if I called him up and asked him what kind of employee you were, what would he say about you? Uh, he will say a bad things, but that is because he is a liar.
Do you feel like you're the kind of person that can work well with other people? Yes.
I have very good work with other people.
And I want you to know that I can sniff out if there is a traitor in a company.
- Really? - And if I find them, I can finish them.
Well, I really don't need you to do that.
Tell me your strengths.
Let's start off with your strengths.
What are you good at? - I am a very strong physique.
- Okay.
I can hold a very large woman down for up to three hours.
- Okay.
- Do ladies work here? - Yes, they do.
- Do they have a nice physiques? Yes, which I have to work with you on that because in our work force in the United States, everybody's looked upon as equal as far as man and woman.
What? Yes.
Do you have lawsuits? Are you familiar with the term lawsuit? Court? Court suits? - No.
- That could become a legal issue.
If you give me this job, can I put a camera in the lady toilet, please? - No.
- Why not? - It's against the law.
- If I work here, can I work in a room with a light, please? - Yes, everybody will have a light.
- Great! Success! - See? - Thank you.
Thank you.
Have a nice evening.
Very much.
Good luck.
Nice meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
- Hope I like a job.
- Okay.
- High five! All right, there we go.
All right.
[music] [music] Funkyzeit! [cheering] I will introduce you and then I put my hand up and you all shout? Okay, great.
Also, willkommen.
Here I am in Daytona Beach where all the great guys in the USA come to be gay! - Yeah! - Wait a minute! - No.
- Gay? What?! Gay means happy, right? No, no, no, no.
- No, gay sex.
- Whoa! [music] Funkyzeit! Also jetzt gehen wir to look at some guys living on the beach who are wrestling team.
Great! Let's see you guys wrestle.
- What? - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, let's do it! Yeah! So, do you want to show me how to wrestle? Man: Hit his head, come on! Get a double leg.
Oh! So, whistle blows, we're coming in here grabbing.
- Great.
- Pulling down.
- Nice! - Shooting for legs here.
- All right.
- All right, see what I'm saying? Yeah, there you go.
There you go.
Yeah, there you go.
- Now step here.
- Yeah? Grab behind my legs and put your head right in my chest.
- Okay great.
- Boom! Like that.
Like that? - Yeah.
Now tackle me.
- Okay.
- Like that.
- Okay? - That's it.
- Great.
That's a two-point takedown.
Let's do that again.
Go ahead.
You shoot your double that you learned.
- Yeah.
Oh, okay.
- Do your double leg.
All right, stay on top.
Stay on top.
- Okay.
- You got two points for a takedown.
What we're gonna do for the front of the show, we're gonna spell out P you go P then you go A-R-T-Y.
And then you all shout party! - Go.
- P! - A! - R! - T! - Y! Party! Whoo! [shouting] Spring break, baby! Whoo! So let's just do that, but like with more energy.
- More? More? - Yeah, with a lot - Okay, go! - P! - A! - R! - T! - Y! Party! [shouting] We're crazy! Spring break! [continues shouting] Okay, okay.
Just do it, but with more energy, okay? We'll give you some [bleep] energy.
- Okay - Get psyched up! Whoo! Okay, you ready? - Go! - P! - A! - R! - T! - Y! Party! [shouting] Let's do it, but with more energy this time.
- That was a little bit low.
- More energy? Because it's gonna be the front of the show.
- Go! - P! - A! - R! - T! - Y! [shouting] Okay, great.
Let's see pectorals.
Let's see your pectorals.
- Ahh! - That's how we do things! Okay, let's turn around.
Turn around.
- Show some abs.
- Show us some muscle.
Show us some muscles on the back.
- Yeah, baby! - Whoo! Is it possible to see the asha? To see the asha? - The ass? - The ass? - Yes, yes! Show us.
- Want some ass cheeks? You wanna see some ass cheeks? - Yes! Let's see.
- Give him ass cheeks.
- Yes, let's see! - Give him some ass cheek! That's great.
[shouting] Great.
Just say, "Hello this is Jim.
" Hello, this is Jim! Whoo! And I am saying hi.
And I am saying hi.
Saying hi from Daytona Beach, Florida! To Austria Gay TV.
Saying what? Austria Gay TV? - Yeah.
- What do you mean Gay TV? Get the [bleep] out of here.
You say Gay TV? - Yeah.
- No.
What do you mean Gay TV? There is no [bleep] gay TV involved in this.
- I'm not getting involved in gay TV.
- This is a gay show.
[music] Funkyzeit! Yo, check it.
I is here with none other than my main man Andy Rooney.
Total respect.
And today we is chattin' about the media.
The media is well-important, innit? It is important.
If a democracy is important, people have to know what's going on in the world, that's why the media is important.
Does you think the media has changed since you first got in it? "Does" you think the media has changed? Do you think the media has changed.
Does No.
It's English.
The English language would say "do you think the media has changed," not "does you think the media has changed.
" Yes, I think the media has changed.
So what sort of things does you think the media should cover? Do you do you think the media.
Um do you think the media I think it's an English-American thing, though, innit? No, no.
No, no.
That's English.
The English language is very clear.
I have 50 books on the English language if you'd like to borrow one.
Let's talk about some mistakes that has happened or not happened.
Has journalists ever put out tomorrow's news by mistake? How do you know what the news is if it hasn't happened yet? Yo, but if there was something like well-important like a plane crash, wouldn't you report that, like, a day early? How would you report a plane crash that happens tomorrow today? All right, safe.
Well, you couldn't do that.
But let's say it was something like the election which is, like, a massive thing.
Wouldn't you report who won that a few days before, because it's gonna be such a massive story? That everyone will want to know about it and reads about it Well, you don't know who won it, do you? Until the election is over.
How can you report it before it happens? Yo, for real.
- Okay, I think that's about it.
- What? I don't think we need anymore.
Can't do this.
Can't do this.
- Why not? - This is not going.
- Is it because I is black? - I can't waste my time.
Hmm? - Is it because I is black? - You're black? - For real.
- Huh? Who's black? - Yo, I is.
- Pfft! No, I don't want to do this anymore.
- Why not? - I don't have time.
- Sorry.
- You's been rude to me - since the first moment.
- Right.
I'm sorry.
Trying to tell me I don't speak English? - Well, right.
- Yo, he's been rude.
That's quite racialist, to be honest.
- Oh, racialist? - Yo.
- Racist.
Not racialist.
- You're racialist.
- Yo, keep the cameras runnin'! - Racist.
- You see that this is racialism goin' on here.
- This is fun.
He's chucking me out 'cause the color of me skin.