Ali G Rezurection (2014) s01e08 Episode Script


Easy now.
This show was recorded 10 year ago, way before techmology was invented.
There is no things that you could never have dreamed of back then the iPhone, the iPhone 2, the iPhone 3, the iPhone 4, the iPhone 5.
Who can even himagine what is coming next? Techmology means that people don't need to go to the office.
In fact, me Julie now works from home, fanks to her webcam.
She earn four quid 99 for 10 minutes, and for a tenner, she'll stick anything up her poony.
It is pure profit.
The only overheads is bananas, which can still be used afterwards for smoothies, unless she is put it up her wrong 'un.
Now check out the show, "The Rezurection of Ali G.
" Crawb up and govern the ting! Pow! 1x08 - Technology I is ready.
Check it out.
I is here with none other than me main, Buzz Aldrin.
I know this is a sensitive question, but what was it like not being the first man on the Moon? Was you ever jealous of Louis Armstrong? He was Neil Armstrong, and, no, I was not jealous.
- He was a very, very qualified person, yeah.
- Or whatever.
So, when you arrived on the Moon, was the people who lived there very friendly, or was they scared of you? There was absolutely no thought of encountering any living being whatsoever.
Do you think man will ever walk on the sun? No, the sun is too hot.
It is not a good place to go to.
What happens if they went in winter when the sun is cold? The sun is not cold in the winter.
Me knows you's been axed this a zillion times.
It must really get on your tits, being axed it, but let's just sort it out.
What do you say to all those conspiracy theorists who come up to you and say, "Does the Moon really exist"? I don't think there are very many people who question whether the Moon exists.
- It exists.
- All right, you is heard it here.
It does exist, so all those people out there who is saying it don't, you is wrong.
That's right.
The Moon does exist and we went there.
Yo, listen up.
But how do they really know what is exists and what is the conspiracy things? 'Cause I know I have seen a picture of J.
Lo wif two, you know, massive geezers' dongs there, and apparently it weren't true.
I haven't seen those pictures.
Well, you should check them out.
It's amazing.
Is you upset that Michael Jackson got all the credit for inventing the moonwalk, but you is the first geezer ever to actually do it? Uh, no.
You can call things by different names and you can use the Moon or Mars or Venus, and you can say, "This is the Venus Trot," but that doesn't mean that it has any connection to what it would be like for a horse moving on Venus.
- Yeah.
- The horse could trot on Venus, right? - Except it's very, very hot.
- There's horse on Venus? No, no, no, no.
I'm just neither is Michael Jackson on the Moon.
I's got a joke.
Do you want to hear it? There is a monster from outer space who is going on a trip round the universe.
And 'im goes to the travel booker to book, like, a hotel on the Moon.
And the travel booker goes, "You can't go to that hotel 'cause the Moon is full.
" - That's pretty good.
"the Moon is full.
" - That is so wicked.
That's wicked.
And the opposite of the Moon being full is - It's empty.
- the new moon.
- What? - That's when it's dark.
I thought it's funny 'cause it means he's, like, full.
- It's, like, been eating stuff.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
He's all well full and everything.
No, the hotel is full.
So, that is why is it funny? 'Cause the hotel is full.
I wasn't sure that it was funny.
You said it was funny.
- Why is it funny again? - Things are funny or comedic because they mix the real with the absurd.
- No doubt.
- And you took the Moon, which is real - and the term "full" and you full - Full.
and you applied that to either the hotel being full or the person being full, and that's an absurd condition and that's what makes something funny, where you mix the absurd with the real.
So listen up.
You is 'eard about the Moon and about space.
You better learn about these things from my man Buzz Lightyear here.
So you better realize that these things is important.
Big up yourself, Buzz.
Keep it real.
In Kazakhstan, lazy, greedy peasants complain they must lift heavy weights and run for many hours.
In America, stupid people pay money to do this.
I look.
Hello, Borat.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
- How are you? - Nice to meet you.
Welcome to Ironworks.
This is what you're going to do watch me.
Pull and extend, okay? The legs.
On the machine, though.
No, on the machine.
No, you have to come back in the position, all the way up.
Put your legs under under here.
Up on top.
Up on top.
No, the way you were in the beginning.
- And now I move up? - Yeah.
Hold the handles, okay.
This is your position.
You don't move from here.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- It hurt my krum.
- It hurts what? - My krum.
- You're My testi sexual.
- Your abdomen goes here.
- Yes.
The foot comes around into here.
And you push it up, up, up, up.
Like this.
- So, then you're running.
- Yes.
And stop.
- Yes? - This is dangerous.
I don't think you should try this one.
- It's too dangerous.
- Yes.
Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
- You must walk.
- Yes.
Walk faster, faster.
There you go, faster.
There you go.
Now, look straight ahead and just walk.
- Yes.
- Just walk.
There you see? Walk, though.
Keep walking.
Walk, walk, walk.
Don't stop.
There you go.
There you go.
- Feel? - Yes, I feel.
Good, relax and just walk.
- Relax.
- Stand up.
There you go.
- Now you're getting it.
- Relax.
Now show your people you're doing it.
- Don't stop.
- Okay.
Wide, wide, wide.
In Kazakhstan, we say it make you feel like a real man when you shoot.
- It's a nice feeling.
I enjoy it.
- Yes, it feel good.
Your body feel alive.
Good, like a proper man.
Especially when you're shooting a machine gun.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- How many can it kill? - It's about 800 rounds per minute.
Wawawiwa, is a good gun.
8,000 per minute? It mean you have many criminal try to you kill? Yeah, you can just waste 'em.
After I'm done with guns, I always go to the topless club.
Wawawiwa, I like very much, to shoot a gun and to see big, uh And that would yeah.
That really sums it up.
This is what a man should do.
A man should be able to shoot a gun and enjoy - And go look at naked women.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- High five.
In Kazakhstan, now they take very, very, very bad, evil criminal and they let you practice them in two of the gun club.
- You think they should do here? - Oh, my word.
- Oh, you guys are crazy.
- Why not? Oh, man, that's the craziest thing I ever heard.
- You think - I like it, but it's crazy.
- We execute people - Borat: Yes.
but the government has to do it.
- Why can they not do it in a gun club? - It has to be Well, there's probably no good reason why not.
It would be fun.
We don't yes, it probably would be fun.
Okay, come on through.
How about I kick your ass, Osama? Let's see here.
Wawawiwa! You are real man! High five! Can you buy this gun for self-defense? It's possible.
It's not easy to.
Can you buy antitank gun for self-defense? - You can.
- Good.
- In Texas.
- Good.
Yo, science.
What is it all about? Techmology, what is that all about? Is it good or is it whack? There is a bloke from round my hood, Staines, called Rainbow Jeremy, who reject everything to do with science.
He just chill at home, he smoke his own homegrown, and check this he don't have a telly! Mm-hmm.
I ain't shittin' you.
He don't have a telly.
Yeah, he lives in a house, though, and that house is a product of technology.
No, he ain't got no techmology in it.
You can check out his website.
- He ain't got nothing in there.
- The house itself.
- He's got a website.
- He wears clothes, shoes.
- He eats food.
- Ali: What? Has "compooters" made our lives better? I don't think there's any question about it.
Will "compooters" ever be able to work out what 99999999999999999 multiplied by 9999999 Yo, I ain't finished.
You don't know what I was gonna say.
889988 99999999999999? The answer's yes.
The most powerful computer in the world today does 36 trillion operations a second.
So would it be able to multiply 10-10-10-10-10- 10-10-10-10-10 - 10-10-10-10 - Yes.
- 10-10-10 - Yes.
- 10-10-10-10-10-10-10-10 - Yes.
- 10-10-10-10.
- Yes.
- You don't know what I was gonna say.
- Coates: Yes.
Multiply you don't even know.
- 10-10-10-10-10-11 - Coates: It doesn't make any difference.
- Molitor: Blink of an eye.
- It doesn't make any difference.
- 13-14-18-19-28 - Whatever numbers you name the computer will be able to handle it.
100-100-100-100-100- 100-100-100 - 100-100,000,000 - Yes, yes, yes.
- Thousand million.
- Yes, whatever numbers you want it will be able to multiply.
- .
999998? - Coates: Yeah.
- Without blowing up? - Yes.
Gonna move it on a little bit.
- Where did men come from? - Men evolved out of lower species in the way that all the species evolved out of lower species.
- This is ridiculous.
This is ridiculous.
- What? If he wants to believe this happened, he's welcome to believe his grandpa came was Lucy and came down from his tree or something, but that is pure religion.
So, you sayin' we ain't come down from monkeys? No, monkeys are still having babies.
Why don't they have another human today? We're Homo sapiens, and that's about eight steps down.
- Wow, yo, I ain't.
- I just want to make clear 'cause this is going out on the TV or whatever, that I don't do that stuff.
I ain't got nothing against it.
Oh, it's the "homo" that threw him off.
- Explain that.
- Yeah.
It is a scientific nomenclature that describes who we are as part of a phyla, or a stream of you know, it goes hominid, hominoid Yo, whatever, there's different names for it.
Coates: We're all Homo sapiens.
Coates: All humans would be considered Homo sapien.
My wife is a Homo sapien, but that's not homosexual.
- All right, respect.
- Yeah, well, it's just a way - of describing who we are.
- With that said, I just wanna make clear, yo, respect for comin' on.
And I ain't gonna treat you differently now that that has come out.
- You know, that's safe.
- No, it has nothing to do come on, now.
You're confused here.
Let's settle the confusion.
All of people in the whole world, the biologists have in a group called "Homo.
" And the particular human group below that is "sapiens.
" And all that is Greek.
It just means the Greek word for "man smart.
" - Yeah, a lot of them is very talented.
- It has nothing to do with homosexuals.
It has nothing to do with the homos that you meet on the street.
- Ali: A'ight.
- It's an entirely different lingo.
But is you a one of the homo lot? I am a Homo sapien.
I think all humans are Homo sapiens.
- You are, too, okay? - Yo, yo.
The term "homo" and "homosapien" has nothing at all to do with sex.
Ali: All right.
Let's talk about when technology goes horribly wrong.
Is there techmologies that you won't use? I try to avoid foods that have pesticide residues on them.
No disrespect or whatever, but do you use a toilet or does you just drop one in the hole? Of course I use a toilet, as I assume everybody here does.
I hope.
You'd use it, but would you flush? Certainly, yeah.
So, would you use a toilet, or does you just drop it in a hole? Oh, I've been to quite a few countries where they don't have toilets and I'm very glad to get back to America.
- So, would you flush? - Oh, sure.
And I think you should have a septic system that's properly designed to handle the waste.
You say that, but there is evidence backstage to the contrary.
Was it you? I have no idea what you're talking about.
You know what I is talking about.
- No, I have no clue.
- The floater.
Covering it with paper don't make it all right, yo.
That goes for the rest of you, whoever it was.
All right? I ain't pointing any fingers, but I does have my suspicions.
Well, I don't it was not me, if that's what you're saying.
I would not if I understand what you're even talking about, which I don't part of the time here.
Yo, you know what I is talking about.
'Cause if it was, then shame on you.
I still you're very confusing.
Yo, I ain't pointing fingers, yo.
But is you the one backstage who didn't flush? No, sir.
Ali: You know what I's talking about 'cause If that's what you're talking about, why you would talk about that on a TV program blows my mind.
Just saying, out of respect we was all talking about respect or whatever.
Whoever it was, and I ain't just I don't care, let's just - Well, then, go on to something else.
- Ali: Let's put it to the side.
But that ain't right.
Shame on you.
I didn't do it.
Don't say shame on me.
I didn't do anything.
Just wanna thank you all for coming on here.
This was very interesting.
Keep it real.
Yo, respect.
- Respect.
- Respect.
- Respect, respect.
- Respect.
Come in a bucket and me show you some real Smiley Culture.
Diggity check yourself before you wreck yourself.
I is here with none other than my man, Ralph Nader.
Him be the Green Party presidential candidate in the year 2000.
So, what is happening with the rain forests? They're being cut down very fast.
But what's the big deal about rain forests? It's not like anyone's ever lived in them.
Well, sure, you have a lot of native peoples who live in them.
But surely they would be well happy to get out of there.
Must be crap living there.
No Macky Ds, no KFCs, no way to drive around anywhere, all these monkeys ploppin' on your head, who would want to stay there? You'd have to be absolutely mental.
You wouldn't like it.
But why would anyone want to live there with the risk of a monkey droppin' one on your head? Well, first of all, the monkeys aren't eager to search out these natives and plop on them.
Yeah, but it ain't impossible.
Uh, I've never heard of a case.
How should people out there lessen the amount - of electricity they use? - Well, there's a lot of waste.
You know, you leave your house or your flat, you leave the electricity on.
Me sometimes get the electricity meter and me put, like, a coat hanger in one of de clogs, and that seems to stop it.
Or you can use magnets and change the number.
And then you can't turn the lights on, you mean? No, you can't turn the lights on, but the numbers don't go up.
Oh, yeah.
That's rigging the meter, though.
- Yeah, that's a violation.
- So, do you think, if it was legal, people should do that here? No, because it doesn't reduce the amount of electricity you use.
So how come the number ain't going up? Because someone is interfering with the meter.
All right, well, it's well easy to be negative.
I was only trying to help you out.
Right, no, I appreciate that.
- Is natural gasses running out? - No.
Why don't you get humanoids who make a lot of natural gas to maybe squeeze one out into a box or something like that - Well - and use that energy? Well, you already have tens of millions of cattle.
But they haven't figured out how to put a box on their asshole.
Me name be Ralph Nader.
Me gonna make an appeal.
Homies, save the rain forests, a'ight? Keep it real.