Ali G Rezurection (2014) s01e07 Episode Script


I is as standin' outside a actual hostipul in America.
Now the U.
is supposed to be civilized Respect.
but the faul Obama care over 40 million of me brethren didn't even have access to de most basicist jobs.
If you is a doctor, then Los Angeles is the bestest place in the whole world to work.
Them is got some of the best medical felicities, and also 'cuz honeys like Beyoncé, Kim Kardashian and Rihanna Oooh! come to this place here so the doctors can have a look at der poonies and maybe even have a little fiddle when them is asleep.
Ya nuh see! West Side.
[music] 1x07 - Medical Hello.
[snap] Selecta.
Now it ain't just Britain that has got the telly.
Now it has also spread to a place called America.
That is why I is come here to 'Ollywood, and I ain't talkin' about the nightclub in Bracknell, to see the set of America most famous drama, called "The Bold and the Beautiful.
" Which is apparently about a fit girl with a shavin avin.
Respect! [music] You better send me those pictures, Amber.
Or I swear, you'll be sorry.
I've been introduced - as B&B's new bad girl.
- A'ight.
So, to give you a little future of what's gonna happen without telling you specifics.
- For real.
- Yeah.
- And can you tell us specifics? - No.
It's a secret.
You just have to watch.
So what is it like when you do the romance scenes? - What does that feel like? - Um Well, I haven't had very many.
In Europe, they cut out all the bits if they're actually going in and whatever.
- Is you upset about that? - I don't understand.
They don't really show the whole thing in Europe.
They just cut to you waking up, you know, in the morning as if, you know Well, they don't show it going in here either! But they have a very strong censorship? What, you don't actually do it for real here? - No! - You don't? You act doing all that kind of thing? - No! - Is that true? - You act the whole thing? - Oh, my goodness, no! - Can I be in this scene? - No, unfortunately not.
Just anybody can't go on there.
They need to go special through the casting office.
Can I not just be in the background, or? There are special laws even for that.
- On the side of the bed, though? - Sorry.
They said beforen that I was gonna be in the whole thing.
- That's why I was so into doin' it.
- No.
You said that I was going to be in the [bleep] thing.
- Shh.
- Excuse me French, sorry.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Sorry, but he did promise me.
- Sorry bout me language.
- Well, he shouldn't have.
Director: And you look back to him at the end.
- Can I have a go? - What? - Can I have a go? - Sure.
- We can't - Okay.
- Talking and everything.
- What? - Have you talking by the sets.
- Okay.
- Why is we whispering? - Oh, I thought it was 'cause you were.
- I was whispering 'cuz you was whispering.
- Oh.
I was whispering 'cause you was whispering! I thought somebody maybe came by and wanted it quiet.
No, no, no, I was whispering 'cause you was whispering.
No! I was whispering because you were whispering.
No, but I started 'cuz you started first.
- And then I did the whispering thing.
- Ah, see? - Oh, it's good to make - Shhh! Well, we have to be very quiet in the hall because we have shows taping.
[music] Now I is gonna check out Sally Jesse Raphael.
She be like Vanessa Feltz except she look well different.
You'll see what I mean.
Check it.
Ali: Hello dere.
I just sayin' I is here from England and is it cool with you lot if I just sit in the audience and just check this out? 'Cuz I is a big fan, you know? And this is me first time in the US of A and I is loving your country.
What could I ask you about one of the problems I has got? - Surely.
- Like a few weeks ago, me was going down Eckert Meyer Street, where me live and me see me Uncle Jamal's van there.
And on the back it says "If dis bus is rockin' don't come knockin'" or whatever.
[chuckles] And I heard these sounds coming from the bus from his van.
And I opened the back and I see this, like, massive geezer, like, attackin' me Uncle Jamal.
And I think I was gonna try and stop them 'cuz I is hearin' the shoutin' and screamin' and whatever.
And then I see that this geezer is why is this geezer attackin' him if his pants is down? Then I realized he ain't attackin' him, he's actually kissin' him.
Did he so were the screams screams of delight? Or were they screams of anger? Or were they screams of - what kind of screams were they? - When I heard it, I thought he was getting beaten' up or something.
But then you realized they were having sex.
Well I don't know if they was definitely doing that, - but, they weren't wearing - They were having sex.
- Is your accent real? - I can't hear what you're saying.
All: Is your accent real? Is my accent? I'll tell you, a lot of people I know that a lot of people out here in America think that everyone speak like the Queen, but I tell you there is a lot of people who is livin' not like the Queen who don't speak like the Queen! So it ain't my problem if I don't sound like the Queen! I ain't the Queen! Once they start putting a crown on my head and giving me all the money, then maybe I'll start sounding like the Queen! But until that time, I ain't speakin' like the Queen.
Me own posse is the West Staines Massiv.
It'll be an honor to me, and all them of me boys at home if you can pick them up.
Can I hear it for the West Staines Massiv?! [cheering] Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Staines! Sally! Sally! Sally! Sally! Whoo! [cheering] Bring on yourself, Sally! What advice do you have for me from doing for the first time me own show? I think you're doing pretty well.
- That is very kind.
- You know what's good about you? - What? - You're you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
That's very nice.
What do you mean by that? - It's a nice compliment.
- That's very nice.
- It means you are who you are.
- Thank you very much.
[music] Come-a-de-bucketa-bus! [music] Jenqui.
I come to Henley Regatta where old English gentleman look at young muscley boy in a boat shaped like a man's crème.
This is most special event of summer season.
I come to find why.
What is Henley Regatta? Henley Regatta is an international regatta that was founded about 160 years ago.
And is there woman in club? - Yes.
- There can be? - Not as members? - Oh.
But they are fantastic in a kitchen, - in a bed - Yes.
But in a sport is In a sport, they learn self-control.
Ah! [laughing] Yes.
What do you mean? Yes, they become very athletic.
They become very attractive to Western men.
Ah, because they become strong.
Not so strong, but lithe and flexible.
- Is nice.
This is beautiful badge.
- These are These are the badges that are given out - What does it mean, this? - That's the Ander Club.
- And there is a pig? - It's a hippopotamus.
- What is hipp - Hippopotamus.
It's an animal in Africa that swims in the water.
- A fish? - No.
Like a pig, but goes in the water.
- A pig in the water? - A hippo.
You joke with me.
This is English humor.
- A pig in the water? - This is not English humor, this is true.
- A pig who drink water? - Yes.
It swims.
- It swims in the water.
- Who live in the water? It's pig size.
And will we see this pig in the water? No you won't.
You'll see the boats belonging to the club that has pigs on its badge.
Yes, they have a pig in the boat.
They have a little symbol of the boat with the pig.
And why do they carry the pig in the boat? They don't carry they carry the symbol of it.
- Yes.
- You know, a little picture like your badge, there.
And why do they show a picture of the pig in boat? Because that's their symbol.
I don't know why.
And why they choose a pig? Because in Kazakhstan we see pig as dirty animal.
Well, you see, it's not actually a pig, it's a hippo.
We seem to have a language problem.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you very much.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Congratulations.
We here have English tea.
That's right, yes.
We've had our sandwiches.
How many times have you been here? - This is my first time.
- Oh, right? - Are you enjoying it? - It's beautiful.
Everyone said that it rain down - like, how you say, piss? - Cats and dogs? - Yes? - No, we don't say that.
You have wonderful moustache.
Well, I've had that for a very long time.
Mine is nothing compared to your moustache.
No, no, it just takes time.
Your moustache is beautiful.
I very jealous.
- Well, I appreciate you saying that.
- Thank you.
May I ask are you a man who does with another man? - No.
- Yes? Definitely not.
[trumpet playing] This is a very big national race - between these two local rivals.
- Yes.
You back Bucks and I'll back Berks, right? - I back Buck.
- And I back Berks.
- And you back Berks.
- Come on, Berks! - And you say, "Come on Bucks!" - Come on Bucks! - Come on Berks! - Come on Bucks! - Come on the Bucks! - See, they're all coming down there now.
Move the move the Bucks! Move the Berks! - Move on the [bleep] ! - Come on, Berks.
- Come on the [bleep] Bucks! - Don't say that! - Why not? - It's a swear word.
So I have learned a lot about Henley.
I've had best day of my life.
[music] [music] Is plastic surgery a good thing? It's good thing when you can say you are correcting a disease.
I is heard a rumor, and it's probably rubbish, that some girls actually ask to get their tombowlers made smaller.
- Is that true? - Well, sometimes, yes.
Because some women have problems with their back.
But do you think it can ever be morally right to have a breast reduction? Well, I think it can if there is a genuine problem.
So how do doctors decide who gets the plastic? Do they sit around and go, "She's seriously mingin.
She can get the plastic"? Or do they go, "She's only a bit rough.
She don't need the plastic.
Just go and bag it.
" You have to make your judgment from seeing the patient, from listening to them, from finding out what their problems are, and what possible solutions there are.
Wouldn't it be great if we had the technology to make sure that everyone was black? Or is that just a dream? - No, it wouldn't.
- Ain't that a bit racialist? - No, I don't think it's.
- That's a bit racialist, isn't it? Speak to the hand, 'cuz the head ain't listening.
I think it a bit racialist to suggest it would be a good thing - for everybody to be black.
- Your point was very interesting.
You said why shouldn't everyone be black? But that's because you happen to be black.
- For real.
- And you say I want people to be like me.
Do you think if you is having a heart transplant, it is right for you to meet the person first? If you're having a heart transplant, the person's dead.
All right, do you think it's ever right to switch off the life support machine? It can be, yes.
Because the life support machine is a well, if you like, it's what used to be described as an extraordinary means of keeping somebody alive.
It's not basic care.
So should you say you is got two weeks to get better? If you don't, we is using that plug for the telly? [music] So what is your job? Okay, I'm a doctor of emergency medicine.
- For real.
- I work in a hospital.
Work in an emergency department.
How long has you been in ER? Well, I did my residency I finished my residency in ER in 1988.
And what character do you play? I'm not a character.
I'm the director in a real emergency room.
Being a doctor, has you ever seen a [whistles] Yeah.
Has you seen, like, loads.
- What's a lot? - Don't know.
- I mean - Hundreds? - That's part of it.
- For real.
Well, you must have the best job - in the world, just checkin' out - No.
What is the strangest things that you is seen there? I think the easiest way to put it is, it's amazing what people can figure out to put up every hole that they possibly have.
- For real.
- I find some of the strangest things.
Sometimes, the funnier part is what they try to make up as a story of how it got there.
For real.
But some of them stories is true.
Most of 'em aren't.
Most of them they try to make sure that it doesn't sound as bad as it really is.
'Cause me Uncle Jamal once had to go to the emergency room because he was doin' the vacuum cleaning and the phone rang and then he accidentally slipped on an orange or something and then he fell on the - a bit of the vacuum went up his butty.
- Mm-hmm.
And a lot of people at the time didn't believe - Didn't believe him.
- But he said that it happens a lot.
- It's true, innit? - Yeah.
You can get injured in any way.
You know, okay, this happened to your uncle once.
- Well, it happened twice.
- Okay.
But, same injury? Yeah, the same injury.
I'm not saying your uncle is not telling the truth, but I have more trouble believing that it happened lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place.
No, it didn't have lightning up there.
He just had the vacuum.
No, I know, but, getting hurt - in exactly the same spot - For real.
I'd want more proof than that.
We are here at the coolest new phenomenon in Britain.
It's being evil! We are here at EvilFest! It's gonna be crazy.
We're gonna see sheisse.
We're gonna see blood.
We're gonna see schpoonken! I can't wait! Great! [punk music] Also jetzt sind wir with Gundog, which is one of the new crazy punk bands.
Punk hardcore sort of stuff.
There is a band in Austria where they could schpook.
- Where they - What's that mean? - It means to, like - To wank? Yeah.
They are crazy the people in charge there.
- Do you do that? - No.
I think if you're getting on stage to play music, you play music.
You don't do [bleep] else.
Don't wank on stage because imagine if your mom, your mother, like, saw the gig! You've got a really dyed kind of are you gay? - Yeah.
- Ah.
So what's wrong with my what do you mean? Your moustache, it's a bender's moustache.
- What is a bender? - A bender is a gay man.
Oh, great, yeah! [spits] You shouldn't be saying, "Oh great.
" [music] - So, what's your name? - Paul.
Great, and you're sitting outside EvilFest.
- Yeah.
- Are you evil? Yeah, I suppose I am, yeah.
What's the most evil thing you've done? I walked across a beer tent at "Madness.
" - You walked in a tent of a bear? - Yeah, that's about it.
- Full of bears? - More or less, yeah.
And what did you do to the bears? What do you mean what did I do to the beers? What the [bleep] you going on about? What do you mean you were in a bear tent? No, I walked across a beer tent.
- Walked? - Walked.
Do you do the dancing where everyone else has got their - T-shirt off and you're all - Yeah, I do.
- And does it excite you? - Yeah.
- Does it make you hot? - Yeah.
- Have you ever schpoonked from it? - Pardon? - Have you ever schpoonked from it? - Have I ever what? Do you think that there are any skinheads that aren't gay? I hope not.
- 'Cause I'm not gay anyway.
- Great.
Well, where do you live? Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire.
Do you have a message for Austria's gay community? [bleep] what? Do you have a message for Austria's gay community.
Don't be [bleep] gay.
Okay, great.
Definitely gay.