Ali G Rezurection (2014) s02e01 Episode Script

FBI

1 [snap] Booyakasha.
Even though the world has moved on a lot since me made this show, some things ain't never gonna change.
You know what I's talkin' about.
The F word racialism.
Once again, me is the only black man on the television now that Eddie Murphy has died.
Rest in Peace, brother.
He was not only an actor, but him was also the world's first black professor.
The white man, them couldn't handle his success and them tried to put him down by calling him "nutty.
" Me hope me doing this show will change things for me brethren, and even lead one day to there being a black man in the White House.
So check out the show, "The Rezurection of Ali G.
" Brukout dem bashment gyal! 2x01 - FBI A'ight! [snap] Peace! Over fifteen murders happen in the US every second.
That is a well scary percentage.
And when the coppers can't handle it, they call in this special branch, called the FB A'ight.
[music] - So what actually is the FB? - The FBI is the - A'ight.
- The FBI is - A'ight.
- Is Federal Bureau of Investigation.
It's about 80 years old.
It was created in the early part of this century.
What is integeration? Interrogation really means questioning a suspect.
When I need to find some info, from, like, Little Rick or whatever take his head, put it down, and excuse me French, I do a gaff on his head, and then he will speak.
Do you think you could use something like that? No, we, you know, we when we're trying to interrogate a suspect, we use a certain amount of psychological pressure.
But if that failed, would you not consider gaffing on someone's head? No.
I'm not saying it doesn't happen.
- It does, I is seen.
- But it doesn't happen nearly as often as the movies would make you think.
I might suspect that you're engaging in criminal activity.
- And you're using a - How would you know? Well, say one of my informants tells me.
They tell me, you know What? From the from Berkshire Police? Sure.
You know, or someone on the street that I know tells me that they think that you're selling drugs out of your apartment, out of your flat.
- That ain't true.
- No, but if one of your friends tells me that you're selling drugs - Who? - No, just, pretend for example, if one of your friends tells me that you're selling drugs, - and then another one - Is it Dave? And another one of your friends tells me that you're selling drugs, then we can take that information and go to a judge and say, "We have reason to believe that Ali is selling drugs.
" - I ain't I ain't done it.
- No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Who has been grassin' me out? [music] So do you do stuff with the Mafia? Yeah, the we, uh organized crime, we refer to it as.
One of the more day-to-day kinds of crimes that the Mafia is famous for is, uh, stealing, uh, shipments of merchandise.
- For real.
- So if you if you and I hijack a truck - A'ight.
- full of Tommy Hilfiger sportswear.
- A'ight.
- If you and I steal that merchandise - and sell it on the street - Why is you talking about this on camera? - Pardon? - Why is you know we is being filmed.
Oh, no, no, sure, but, I mean, it happens all the time.
- A'ight.
- This kind of thing goes on all the time.
I mean, you and I make about $25,000 a piece.
Do you wanna talk about this afterwards, or No, I'm just using this as an example.
- Ah, all right.
Okay.
- Just using it to make a point.
[music] Okay, so what is third-degree murder? If I come walking into my house and I find you there um - in bed with my wife.
- That ain't never gonna happen.
[laughs] I swear to you today.
I mean, I don't know what your wife look like, but - No, no, no - But hey, no, I swear, I would never do that to you, even if - Again, hypothetic - Even if you was my worst enemy or whatever, - I would never do that.
- Hypothetical.
I'm so angry when I see this that I take my gun out, and I shoot you - and then I shoot my wife.
- Well, I'd shoot you first.
Yeah, right, no, but you don't have a chance - 'cause I'm faster than you are.
- For real, I is busy bonin' your missus.
And I have a gun and you don't! Right, so that's murder.
I have no legal right to murder you, - because you're in bed - Just 'cause I is slippin' one in.
Check this, we is now in a place called Hogan's Alley, which is part of the FB training thing, innit? Yep.
This is FBI Academy's - A'ight.
- training complex.
It was opened in 1987.
The instructors in Hogan's Alley will teach you how to - So how would we go in here? - knock on the door and say FBI - And then, like, kick it - No, you can't kick.
You can't kick the doors, but they'll come in.
- Once again, you are an employee of the FBI.
- Just like this? But, that's in the movies.
So let's say I get someone here and I say, "Get down there.
" And then I still got another hand.
And then - it's a bog.
It's a bog in here.
- But then someone comes from here - to shoot you in the back.
- It's a bog.
This is not a real person.
I'll just punch him in the face.
Yeah what are you what are you lookin' at? What you lookin' at? Shut up.
Shut up.
Take that look off your face.
- What is your job? - I'm the Assistant Director in charge of all the criminal investigations of the FBI.
Um I know you ain't supposed to talk about it, but everyone out there wants to know about it.
- What is Studio 54? - That's a nightclub in New York City.
For real, but what's in the basement, if you know what I is saying.
I don't know what you're You know what I is talking about like long bodies, massive eyes, tiny nose you know, uh dong done in a knot you know, big long fingers? Uh, is this something from "The X-Files"? [hums "The X-Files" theme] Do you ever get calls in about aliens and all that kind of thing? - I've never gotten one.
- Because me mate Ricky C, he was coming back from the Staines Station and he was going past the Elmsleigh Centre and he suddenly felt this thing grab him and, excuse me French, go up his exit hole.
And the next day, he found himself in this trolley at the back, you know, near the buses.
- How do you explain that? - I don't.
I don't know anything about it.
I'm sorry.
Young people out there, if they wanna join the FB - Right.
- what should they do? They should stay away from drugs, they should go to college, and they should study hard.
And if they is got none of those three, has they got a chance? They don't have much of a chance.
[music] [music] Yakshemesh.
Every Englishman must have a hobby.
Some like to collect the stamp.
Some like to make the jam.
But the most fun is to kill a little animal with a shotgun or rip him up with a wild dog.
This why I come to countryside to find out about English hobbies.
Jankooey.
- Hello, you are here on a hunt? - Yes.
Yes, I am indeed.
And you are Why do you not have a horse? I can't afford one, quite honestly.
- Why not? - I'm retired now, and, um You are a retard? - Yes, I'm retired.
- Just like a mongoloid? - So you hunt a lot? - I hunt a lot, yes.
- You are real man.
- Ah, yes, I am, yes.
We say, "Man who do not hunt in Kazakhstan is like a man with no," uh how you say? You'd say with no bollocks, I suppose.
- Yes, bollocks! - I shouldn't say that - You have a big bollocks? - Yes, probably.
- You have big bollocks? - Ah, no, don't think so, no.
- Can I touch them? - No.
- Why not? - That's private.
Borat: It is great.
We love in Kazakhstan to kill animal.
- To hunt is so much fun.
- It is much fun.
It is much fun.
It is a great feeling when you kill an animal.
It is.
It is.
It is.
It make you feel, uh like a real man.
It does.
It makes you feel big.
The Labor Government is so anti-Britain.
I don't understand it.
- They are proletariat? - Oh, yes, yes.
There are many homosexual there? Well, there are some of them are - Yes.
- homosexuals.
And it seems to be, nowadays you never hear of anything else.
It's dreadful.
- You only hear about homosexuals.
- Yes, it's awful.
- You think - I mean, it's pathetic.
You think maybe Blair is a man who take his clothes off and let his khrum go hard and put it in a man's bottom? Not him, no, but some of the other, um are doing it.
And good luck.
I hope you win.
Well, good luck with your communists.
- Oh, I say, no, thank you.
- What? - I am not a man who does this - No, I know.
- I kiss to say thank you.
- Yes, I know, I'm sorry.
- Oh, twice! Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, dear, no.
- Why do you like to hunt the fox? - I do not hunt the fox.
I think people that hunt the fox are the scum of the Earth.
[horn blasts] - In Kazakhstan - You kill bears! - Yes, often.
- He kills bears! You kill bears? That's evil! No, in Kazakhstan, we shoot animal.
We do not hunt the fox.
Well, you shouldn't be talking to us because we love animals - and that's why we're here.
- We love we love animals, too.
- Then why do you shoot them? - Uh, for fun.
You evil bastard.
Piss off.
You got no bloody brains.
Piss off.
- I do not kill fox.
- But you kill bears? There is no more bear in Kazakhstan.
No, 'cause you've killed them all! Borat: What does a partridge taste? Slightly stronger than chicken.
- Yes.
- Very nice.
- You eat the partridge? - Oh, yes, definitely.
- You like to eat? - Yes, definitely.
.
- You are a big fat! - Shh.
- [quietly] You are a fat.
- No, I'm not fat.
- And is this is dead? - It's dead.
Hello, Mr.
Partridge! You have a nice day? - He's dead.
- No? What does he say? Hello, Mister you do the voice of him.
Hello, Mr.
Partridge, how are you? [imitates bird] Ah, very well, Borat, how are you? Very good.
You have a nice day today? - Lovely.
- And are you from England? - Yes.
- And are you English Gentleman? - Yes.
- And how many years old are you? I don't know.
So, we say good-bye from English Partridge shoot.
Jankooey.
Yakshemesh.
[music] Is it true that you sometimes has to get shaved for a operation? Yeah, sometimes.
Sometimes you need to get shaved if you've got a lot of hair in the area - where they need to be working.
- For real.
Ali G: What operations would you need to get your girlfriend to shave her punani? Well, you don't need to get your girlfriend to shave, you know? If you need to be shaved, - then they have people that do the shaving.
- For real.
Me Julie is me bitch at home.
If she is, like, well ill, and she has got the flu or something, could I send her into the hospital - Well - get her shaved? Dr.
Dill: Shaving the pubic hair - A'ight, for real, respect.
- doesn't cure much.
- Yeah, but it helps.
- It doesn't help much.
[music] Let's talk about a thing that is well deep.
Deaf.
And I ain't talking about you is wearing def trainers, - or that is a def tune - You're talking about death.
I is talking about D-E-F.
The big thing that happen - after you is living.
- You're talking bout death.
And then before you you know.
Yeah, in the grave.
Has you ever seen that? I see it more frequently than I care to.
What does it hactually feel like being dead? - Well, I don't know.
- For real.
And I don't know anybody else that knows.
But you must have had patients who has been dead.
- Never had a dead patient live again.
- For real.
Do you think it would be possible to bring back Tupac? - Tupac? Tupac is dead.
- For real.
What if they used lightning? He's dead.
He is now in fact, he is more He doesn't even resemble himself now, you know? For real.
Sure, he look different, probably.
- I ain't seen him.
- His body has returned to the, uh - To Compton.
- to Mother Earth.
But he will never walk again.
He will never live again.
- He's dead.
- But will he rap? [music] [music] [police sirens blaring] We is gonna be talking about the drug thing.
Let's start from over here.
- I mean, that's Moroccan Black, innit? - Yeah.
Ali G: How much would this cost you on the street? About £60, £70.
A'ight, but you'd probably be getting ripped off - if you had to pay that much.
- Yeah.
- I mean, you can get it cheaper then that.
- Okay.
So, what is the names for it? I mean, we all know it's called the bionic, the bong, the puff, the black, the herb, the sensei, the chronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the shit, the bomb, the ganja, the reefer, the bud, the Buddha, the homegrown, the ill, the Maui Maui, the method, the pot, the shake, the skunk, the stress, the tide, the wacky.
But is there any other terms that parents should be aware of? Apart from blow lots of lots of names.
Draw.
And what is its affects? Uh, you can go paranoid, which means you think people or things are coming at you.
- A'ight.
- It makes your heart race.
Your blood pressure can go low, so you can feel a bit woozy sometimes.
It's got a lot of medical effects on the body.
- And is there any negative effects? - Well, those are negative effects.
- So, so far, this stuff is all legal.
- Uh, no, it's not.
Well, these, no, but if you is got it in your home, - then that is cool, innit? - It's all against the law.
But if you is using it for personal use or whatever, it is legal if you is got, like, half a kilo or something like that? [exhales] I wouldn't like to try that on.
All right, what if it's your religion? Then you have to convince the court it's your religion.
But let's say someone don't look like a Rasta, but they is got a couple of Bob Marley records and is got one of those hats with dreads attached or whatever, do you think that that would get them off in a court? Don't think so.
- All right, and which drugs is class A? - Class A drugs are the well, mainly the heroin and cocaine type of drugs.
Does Class A absolutely guarantee that they is better quality? No, it doesn't nothing to do with quality.
You can have total crap.
- Okay.
So what is these? - Um chemical name is 34 methylene dioxy-methamphetamine.
- A lot of people call it ecstasy.
- Ain't the most worrying thing about these, though, that it actually make you enjoy house music? - Yeah, you enjoy music, yep.
- Is there a chemical inside it that actually make you dance like a bell end? - Yep, it makes you dance.
- What is that chemical called? Well, it is it's the ecstasy.
It's the actual chemical itself.
How many Es can you take in one night and still be safe, if you has to do it? Uh, some people can take, um, two or three Es and no problems.
'Cause I has never ever taken any drugs, and you can test me piss, but I is got a mate called Dangerous Dave and I ain't gonna say his family name, obviously, but he says that he has taken 22 Es in one night.
Did he have a headache? Did he feel Well, he said it was like, you know, he found it difficult to get to sleep.
- Yeah.
- But the next day he was really buzzin', and, actually, the people on the Egham to Ruislip bus said that he drove better than he ever done it before.
So, do you think it can actually help you? It wouldn't help you to drive a bus.
Do you fink it's ever right to give animals an E? Well, if you want to know more about a substance, I'd rather you gave it to - a rabbit or a rat - Your pet.
rather than taking it yourself and testing it on yourself.
For real.
What if they look sad? Do you fink it's right to give your animal an E then? I don't think so.
No, I don't think it would help.
Because me mate Jazzy F once fed one to his dog and it went mental and started barking and then tried to bone the cat.
- Is that kind of thing possible? - It's quite possible, yeah.
One tablet is a lot for a dog.
Which is the type of acid that actually make you fly? No acid makes you fly.
- But ain't there - Acid may make you think you fly.
But ain't there one? 'Cause me mate Dave said he took this type and he flew all around the room and then his mum told him to get some ciggies from the shop, and he actually flew there down Egger Meyer Street, - you know, near the buses, and flew back, - Okay.
Yeah.
and was back in, like, five seconds or whatever, - but he'd forgotten to buy the ciggies.
- Well, that's the answer, isn't it? You think things are happening to you, you may think you can fly, but your feet are still on the ground.
They never leave the ground and if you're not careful, you might trip up and hurt yourself.
So with the whole thing here, what is the lesson the real lesson that people out there need to know? Substances, chemicals, drugs, - affect the way your body works.
- For real.
- Your body is beautifuly constructed.
- Thank you.
It works very very well.
If you take any of these things, you run a big risk of making it work not so well.
A'ight! Ali G Rezurection.
Booka!