Ali G Rezurection (2014) s02e02 Episode Script


Gully mee seh, hot skull! We is standin' on the site of Hollywood history.
Behind me is the hactual house where Mickey the Mouse met Minnie.
It was in that bedroom up there where him first Donald Duck'd her up the butty.
Them ended up bein' together for twenty years, but never got married.
Why? Accordin' to the CIA, Goofy got in the way because he had a much bigger dong.
Don't be fooled by them floppy ears! Goofy ain't as innocent as him appear.
Doin' research for this on the Intranet, I is seen many women who has cheated on their men wif dogs but none who has ever fallen in love wif a mouse.
Although mouses is experts at eatin' the cheese, them ain't never gonna be able to compete with a dog when it comes to the bonin'.
Dat is biology, innit? Gwaan go, maas! 2x02 - Acting A'ight.
- What is acting? - Uh-oh.
What a good question.
The camera hates "acting.
" - What's this? - That's the old-fashioned kind of acting.
When you're indicating.
Acting in quotes Those are quotes.
Air quotes.
- What is quotes? - Quotation marks.
Oh, I fought they was like ears.
- When you do wif someone.
- That's correct.
Why is it that hoes is better actors than men? Uh Um, I should tell you, as Dean of the Actors Studio, the drama school, that I don't use words like hoes, and I hate them.
I just that's honestly.
- All right, bitches.
- I know that's the vernacular.
No, no, and bitch.
I hate words like bitches.
But why is it that women is, like, so good at pretending to be upset? Like, "Oh, Ali! You is forgotten me birthday! Oh, you is slept with me best friend! Oh!" You know, cryin'? Has you ever met Robert Deniros? Robert De Niro was on my show.
Whoa! He is the bomb, man! He is so good! Robert De Niro's a genius.
Has you seen "Analyze This"? - Yeah.
- Oh! Him doin' his fing! - I've had them both on my show.
- You, you - Him and Billy.
- You good! What does he say? No, you, you, you! No, you! You! All the time to the other one, with the beard, who ain't that good.
- You asked - You, you, you, you, no, you.
You asked about the Actors Studio.
Go see "Taxi Driver.
" - Is it better than "Analyze This"? - Yes.
Has you ever cried during watching a movie? - Of course.
I'm a pushover.
I cry - You is cried? What are you laughing at? I cry readily if I'm moved.
Does you want us to redo that bit? 'Cause this is gonna go out.
You don't want them to know that you is cryin'.
- You gonna - Has you ever You gonna call me a fifi boy for crying in a movie? Well, it's a bit over the hill and round the bend, innit? Jesus, no! Jesus, no.
Has you ever interviewed Shakespeares? - William Shakespeare? - No doubt.
Well, he died about 400 years ago.
No, he ain't, 'cause I has seen him at - On the telly? - On this nope.
On this on the theater, with the school.
They made us go to see William Shakespeare.
You saw somebody playing Shakespeare, which is great.
I didn't really like it, and me left after half an hour.
Well, they chucked me out 'cause I was shining one of them laser pen things on Shakespeare's head.
- But - Respect.
Shame on you.
Did the premier Bush come from a South? Yes, George Bush came from Texas.
Ah, is good.
And I went to school with Barbara Bush at Ashley Hall here.
- Uh, Barbara Bush? - Yes.
A bush in Kazakhstan, we laugh when we hear the name because a bush mean the hair around, uh the testes satchel.
And, uh, Barbara, we say in Kazakhstan mean to eat, so it is like a Barbara Bush is to eat the the hair from the testes! Is good.
Now this is the spring house.
- Go on in! - Hello.
This is a very ancient kind of tool.
But it is a shame now to use this primitive tool.
We now have a machine.
It can chop a wood.
Uh without a man.
Okay, now you have to understand what we're about here.
This is the eighteenth century, okay? I am a historic interpreter.
- You are a slave? - I am not.
I am a historic interpreter.
I am a museum educator.
- Can I buy you? - No, I'm afraid you can't.
In Kazakhstan, we think USA very technology very good.
And now I see is very primitive.
This is 200 years ago.
We are not in the year 2002 here.
We are this is a time machine back to the year 1750 or 1760.
You make a time machine? - Can you please explain to him - I can't! I'm trying hard! Because he keeps telling me about buying a slave.
We don't do that! It hasn't been done - since 1865.
- This is a historic site.
Do you understand what a historic site is? This is an outdoor museum.
- I like you.
Do you like me? - I'm not sure! We gonna see the milking of the cow now.
- This is a man or a woman? - I don't know.
- You don't know? - I gotta - I think it's a woman.
- It's not so clear.
How do we find out? - I got to find out.
- Yeah, find out if a man or woman.
Why do you throw the milk away? Um, I think because they gave them some medicine so it's not good to drink.
Oh, all right.
I'm not really sure.
- What? - A woman.
- You think is a woman? - Mm-hmm.
- It is not so clear.
- Do they always have, um, - girls like you milking the cows? - Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
But why she wear clothes like a man? 'Cause they all do when they're working here.
- She is a - No, she's not! Jankoey.
- How you doin' there, Borat? - Good.
- You are a cowboy? - Yeah.
You are a cowboy! - I'm a cowboy.
- High five! Down low! Too slow! - Swing it to the steer.
- Wowowiwah! You have to swing a big circle.
- Yes.
- Like this.
Yes yes.
- See? - Yes.
- You got it now? - Yes.
Okay, I'm gonna turn it loose.
- Yes.
- Keep it going! - You okay? - I'm okay.
And then you have to throw it at the steer! How many, uh uh punch, punch, you take to a cow before it fall? Me is eleven, my record.
Uh, I hit a goat one time.
- Yes.
- Never hit a cow.
I once carry a woman against her will for near one mile.
- You did? - Yes.
He carried a woman against her will for one mile.
Really? - Why would you do that? - To show her my home.
Oh, okay.
- Did she like it when she got there? - Yes.
- She my wife now.
- She's your wife now? What's your job, please? Working the jail.
I take care of prisoners.
They have a very nice time in a jail.
They have a real nice time.
We can't even go in there and hit 'em! - You joke with me.
- No.
- You cannot hit? - Not unless they attack me first.
Uh two night ago, I was in New York.
I went to a nightclub discothéque - called "The Meat Packers.
" - Uh-huh.
There was a man there with a hat of cowboy, but he do not wear "anty pants.
" - Underpants? - Yes.
And, uh he tell me he is a cowboy and he want to ride me.
- And he wants to ride you? - Yes.
I think maybe he's queer.
- Like to do, uh? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's what that meant.
I let him do massage on me.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's what that meant.
- Has it ever happened to you? - No.
And if someone were to ask me that, I'd probably hit 'em - right in the teeth.
- Yes.
I have a wife.
- Oh, gosh! - Yes.
- You want to see a picture? - Yes! Yes.
It is her.
She's pretty.
- Yes.
- She couldn't come with you? - Did you know that picture was in there? - Ah, yes, my wife! - Ah! - It's not for lady to see.
That's more of your wife than I wanted to see! - That's my wife.
- Oh, that's your wife.
- Oh, wow! - Hey! - Don't be lookin' at all those pictures! - Huh? Ooh! Yes, she is a nice.
- Whoa, she's nice, man! - Yes, she's nice.
Do not show your wife! Yo, so diggity check yourself before you wreck yourself, because I is here wif four people who has all fought about somefing called religion.
How powerful - is God? - I think there is a power.
I think most people at one point or another experience that power.
They draw upon something that seems larger than themselves.
Can God do better stuff then David Blaines? You're asking God to make square circles, which are impossible.
God can't do impossible things.
That's not a limitation on God.
There have always been magicians, and there always will be.
And some of them claim to be really producing magic.
So, ain't God just an overhyped David Blaines? No, and a lot of people would find that - suggestion very offensive.
- Yo, sorry.
If God is got all these amazing powers, why don't he flex it every day? Like, if you is got it, flaunt it! Like, me mate Dave he's got a nine-incher.
He gets it out all the time! God should be showin' his powers! Well, let's talk about this man, the main man, the mac daddy of the Christian fing.
- What was his name again? - Jesus Christ.
Why did Jesus go round wif all them reindeers? I'm not sure I've seen the same images you've seen.
I think you're confusing him with Santa Claus.
- So, does Jesus really exist - Yes.
or is it just your father dressed up? Yes, Jesus exists as the second person of what we believe to be the Triune God.
Is it true that he was born in a stable? It's possible.
He was born in those kind of simple circumstances.
- No room in the inn and that sort of thing.
- There was no room in the - Yeah.
- Well, that's 'cause it was Christmas, innit? Let's talk about marriage.
Would you ever marry a Jewish girl? - I've chosen not to marry.
- I've chosen - What, just to play around? - a celibate life.
So, how many months has you been celibate? - 52 years next summer.
- So, you ain't done it for fifty That's right.
That's right.
And I can tell you there's more to life than sex.
Would you, as a gesture of bringing us together, marry her? There are other ways of bringing us together than marriage.
What if she was a bit fitter? Would you consider marrying her then? - I am considering marriage not at all.
- But people out there, dey see people who is meant to be religious behavin' in unreligious way.
Ain't it hypocriticalist that so many nuns also work part-time as strippers? Well, I don't think you can demonstrate that statistically.
- Yo! - That's an absurd statement - that you just made.
- No, it ain't! I has been at my mate Ricky C's twenty-first, and there was this nun that came in, and, like, like, 10 minutes later, she had her babylons out, - was whipping shaving cream off his body! - You just said, "So many nuns work as strippers," and then you said, "this one.
" Well, she said her name was Sister Fist Her.
- But she - Was that a part of her act or was that really who she was? I would really prefer that you move off this topic because I find it offensive.
It's not documented by any kind of evidence.
- We is got a video! - It's hearsay.
- I is got a video of it.
- It's hearsay.
Yo, me just want to say big up all yourselves.
Dis has been well interesting.
It's been deep, it's been everyfing, there's been times when it's been boring.
But that's life, innit? - Yes.
- And that's deep.
Keep it real.
And you lot out there, listen up to what has been said and fink about it for yourself.
Vat's up! Being gay is the new coolest thing! So that's why I has come to the gayest part of Ameca, Alabama! Yeah, it's great! Go! Go! Go, Alabama! Go! Go! Go, Alabama! Go! Go! Go, Alabama! Great.
You're embarrassing all 85,000 people here.
- Get off our field! - I'm just dancing! Also, jetzt bin ich hier.
What your name? - What? - What's your name? - Shaud Williams.
- Great.
- Shaud.
- Shaud.
- Shaud Williams.
- Shaud.
- So, Shaudi, what position do you play? - I play running back.
So, what do you say to the people out there who see that you are so powerful in your physique, have very powerful size and pectoral muscles, and wonder what your shwanzenstucker is like? Uh, I don't know, I've never been put in that situation.
Are you able to date other members of the team, or do you have to wait till the season is over? What? No, there's nobody on the team like that.
So, you must realize that you have many, many fans out in Austria.
They see you, and they would just do anything to kind of spend a night with you.
- What do you say to those guys? - I'm not gay.
So, I'm not gonna spend any night with any guy.
So So, do you have a message to Austria's gay community? Yeah, I'm not gay, so don't come looking for me.
So what does freedom mean to you? Freedom is being able to do what you want, say what you want, without government looking over your shoulder, without government's hand in your pocket, without the Jewish hand in your pocket.
The Juden.
You know in Austria, they, you know, - the government is run - By Jews.
Freedom in Austria is a lot about being able to walk down the street with my boyfriend Diesel, just holding hands, and without people staring at us.
- Is that what you're campaigning for? - Well, I'm not, uh, too hot on your right to hold hands with your boyfriend but what you do in the privacy of your home, as long as you stay away from my kids, - I have no problem with what you do.
- Yeah, well You try to recruit my kids in any way, then you would have a problem with me.
So, Clay you've got a kind of very manly look.
- When did you get to be so cute? - When I was born.
You're so good-looking, and don't you know it.
- I like women.
Thank you anyway.
- So, you are bi? No, I'm not bi, and I'm not gay, and if you wanna if you're gonna speak on that subject, you can take a hike! You're not my type.
- Is it because I'm too fat? - No.
But is it what I I've been - I'm really jet-lagged.
I look terrible.
- Your interview is over.
You wanna be a professional, be a professional.
Don't be some [bleep] [bleep].
And me has got one other request, which me would love you to do.
Me wanna get all, like, respected people to do two lines of a rap.
So I is written somefing like that.
Like, "Word up, me name be James Lipton.
" I felt I may have spelt it wrong.
"Givin' mad props.
" You know what mad props is? - Respect.
- Yeah, I know.
"Mad props to Shakespeare.
Check it, just 'cause you like acting.
" Dat's to the people out there.
- "It don't mean you is a queer.
" - No, I'm gonna do another one.
Yo, you out there now listen to me! Just do like me, and my bro, the MC! Think, my friends.
Consider, reflect! Give mad props to the world.
Translation: respect.