Ali G Rezurection (2014) s02e03 Episode Script


Booyakasha! In America, there is the Westside, the Eastside and the seaside, which is where I is now.
If the sun has got his hat on, then me favorite is the Seaside, then the next best is the Westside and the one below that is the other one.
But if it is well cloudy then it is Westside number one and seaside number two.
Me ain't never gonna like the Eastside even if it rainin' them cat an' dog.
Now check out me show! [snap] Flick it.
2x03 - Energy A'ight.
[snap] Easy now.
Check it.
I is here wif none other than my man, Professor James Ziegler.
Him was the head of somefing called the INS, which stands for the Immigration - uh, nationalized - Naturalization.
Naturalization Society.
- Service.
- Service, wicked.
What is Homeland Security? Homeland Security is about protecting - the individuals in the country - Right.
from forces that may come in and try to do harm, such as terrorists.
Could it be possible to work with the terrorists to say, "Yo! Here's a building that we is gonna demolish anyway, go have your fun with it, do whatever you want, just don't do the other ones.
" Well, that's never that will not work - with a terrorist.
- Why not? Because a terrorist you say, "Here's an old building we're gonna demolish, - go have your fun with it.
" - For real.
Do it! That's not that doesn't achieve their purpose.
Does you fink that terrororists will use airplanes again? I think they would like to.
Why does you let them fly on the same planes as normal passengers? Why don't you arrange separate flights for terrorists, so if they is gonna do this terrible behavior let them ruin their own trip.
Well, listen if we knew they were terrorists we'd pick them up.
We'd never let them on an airplane.
Let's talk about in the airports.
You know those machines that beep when you is got coins in your pocket.
Why don't they develop a machine that beeps - if you is carrying a gun? - Well, it does too.
A gun will also set it off.
Or a knife.
But, them is mainly designed for coins and keys, innit? No, no, no, it's designed for guns and knives and objects that are could be weapons.
- Does they use dogs in airports? - Yeah.
For explosive devices.
Ain't the problem, though, that 99% of dogs can't speak English, so how does they let you know who is carrying a bomb? Hmm well, dogs are trained - to give indications.
- How? Well, they will sit and point, for example.
How does you know they ain't pointin' to say, "This one definitely ain't got a bomb in it"? Well, they don't they're trained to only respond to a certain smell.
[music] How come there ain't much security on trains? Well, for one thing it's kinda hard to hijack a train and run it into something.
But what's to stop a terrorist takin' over a train, driving it into, Jah forbid, - the White House? - They can't.
- There are no tracks - Well - there are no tracks to the White House.
- Not that we know of.
[chuckling] No, there are not.
How does you know they ain't been building one? The White House is so protected, there's no way of building tracks to the White House - with the Secret Service and - Yo.
- all the barriers that are around it.
- Yo, well, you'd have to have someone in on it.
On the inside, innit? But they would have to build them on - Someone who was like, yo - No, no, no, and even then they'd have to build them on top of the ground, and they'd have to go right to the White House.
There's no way of being on the inside of that.
[music] How difficult is it to get a green card? A Brit marries an American, let's say You can get a green card, but you're gonna have to wait for two years.
If you ain't managed to marry an American, but you is got jiggy with, like, loads of them, can you still get a green card? - No.
- No? But if you is had, - does you understand? - I understand exactly what you're saying, - Fo' real.
- but the answer is no.
Family relationships are very important to our immigration law.
- And if it's just a bud a friend - Fo' real.
that you've got a special relationship with Yeah, baby! Let's get special.
That doesn't work.
That's not gonna get you in.
- That's a shame.
- Uh, well 'Cause I is halfway there, you know what I'm sayin'? - Well, it's, uh - Respect.
- that's the way the law is.
- So, yo, listen up! You better check out the words of my man James Ziegler! Respect.
[music plays] [music] Yekshemesh! In Kazakhstan, the favorite hobbies are disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis.
In America, there are many hobbies too.
I find more.
[music] - Hello, nice meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- What it mean, self-defense? - Well, if someone It's more than just if someone attacks me.
If someone attacks me violently I can protect myself from getting hurt.
What is a best move to silence a woman? Uh I don't know that you can silence a woman.
What is a best way to defend from a Jew? Well, we don't - if people have different beliefs - Yes.
They believe in God, Allah, Mohammad, Jesus, - whatever they believe in - Yes.
we try to respect that they believe that way.
Yes, but how do you stop their claw? - Claw? You say claw? - If someone got a claw? - Yes, the Jew claw.
- You knock away.
You just knock away.
Knock away.
- So, if the Jew come with a claw? - You knock away.
- With a claw? - Knock away.
- Claw? - Knock away.
- They can do two hands! - And you can do two hands.
- It's very good.
- Or you can knock away this way.
Either way.
It doesn't matter.
- And if the Jew come? - You knock away.
- And the Jew come - And you knock away.
The Jew come with a claw! With a claw With a claw! What is a best way to stop my wife - do a rape on me? - Uh, gosh, I don't know.
Maybe if it's your wife, uh show her more love.
Show me what you mean.
She will say, "Borat, Borat, - time, uh, time to play - Time to play? - Okay.
- with you.
" - Hold me down, Borat, like she would.
- Uh All right.
And you're on top.
- Yes.
- Okay, now - If she - Borat! - When she leans over - She try to do a kiss.
- she's off balance.
- Thank you, my friend.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
[laughing] You are good.
[music] - Gaelyn - Hello.
- this is Borat.
- Nice meet you.
- Borat? - Yes.
Thank you, Borat.
And this is Palomino.
- Palomino.
- Yes.
Palomino, this is Borat.
- Hello.
- Borat? Nice to meet you.
So, I want us to have our own sound.
- What will your sound be? - Hey-ey-ey-eyy.
- Aahh-hh! - Hey-ey-ey-eyy.
Children! Children! Chii-iildren! - Yes.
- Okay, so - We go, we try now, all together? - Yes.
One, two, three - Hey-ey-ey-eyy.
- Children! Children! [music] - Children! Children! - Ahh-hh.
[laughing] Guess I'm already tired I'm too old, you know? - No, you are 48.
- 48, you are 32? - Yes.
- How old do you think Palomino is? Uh - 48.
- 3 43.
- 43? - Yeah.
- Ah, you look more old.
- Teacher: I'm going to ask you to draw the experience that you just had, however that shows up.
Okay, so let's just hold ours up and show each other, just for a moment, just so we can look at one another's.
Borat: What it say? Gaelyn: "Everybody children dance.
Ah, oh, now.
" - Yes.
- And so, that had meaning for me, just to bring that all together.
- Thank you.
- Teacher: Borat? Um, I do a picture, only small, of Tishnik Massacre, where many Uzbek uh crush.
Teacher: Yeah, yeah.
- How did you feel when you did this? - Very proud.
- Teacher: Very proud.
- Yes.
I'm just listening with sadness.
I have a little sadness for your people.
- And - Yes, no, it is not sad.
It is us who do the kill.
Do you want to smell? - Show us, Borat.
- Do you want to tell? - Yes.
- The smell thing? - I remember this.
- It show your spirit.
- Yeah.
- I can smell you? It's fine.
- Yes? - Yeah.
- Smell - It's good, man? Yes.
- Thank you.
- You want? - Yes, please.
- Thank you.
[music] [music] - What is Earth First? - Earth First is it's really an idea of putting the Earth before yourself.
You know that me and the West Staines Massiv did a protest against McDonald's in Staines.
McDonald's definitely deserves it.
The consumption of meat is definitely adding to the world's starvation problem.
No, no, no, we weren't against that.
We was against they started charging for their ketchup, like, eightpence for, like, a little bit of ketchup.
Right, taxing people every chance they get.
Yo, so, we was, like, yo, protesting, saying ketchup should be free, and there shouldn't be, like, a limit to how many ketchups you can have.
There's lots of good reasons to protest McDonald's.
- A'ight, for real, well - They're definitely using a lot of pesticides, they're definitely using a lot of chemicals, you know? The slaughter of cattle, mass slaughter of cattle is - It's the ketchup thing, though.
- Oh, right, that's a big thing too.
[music] So, what is fings like this tree used for? Mainly luxury items, we'd say.
You'd see, like, a lot of redwood hot tubs a lot of redwood decks.
Is you telling me that this tree wouldn't prefer to be a hot tub with a couple of fly honeys in, totally, you know, no clothes on, whatever, rather than having, you know you in? - Shunka: Our good friend, Whisper.
- Ali G: Respect.
So, yo, what's your name again? My name's Whisper.
- What? - Whisper.
Why is that? Does you like whispering? [laughing] Get it? 'Cause his name, Whisper.
All you lot out there, and I is speaking for me and my friends here, sayin' that go out there, publicize this fing, talk to your friends, make somefing that makes a difference.
Burn a car, whatever.
Mash people up, but let 'em know that you is doing it for this cause, so then we can get publicity for it, innit? - Stay nonviolent.
- Yo, but We don't do property destruction.
But wouldn't it be more betterer for your cause - No.
- People is smashing fings up anyway - No.
- to say, "Yo, I was doing this - for the tree people"? - No.
Wouldn't it be good if it weren't just smelly hippies who was doing it, but it was also like, - normal people - If it was everybody doing it, then they'd find a way to demonize the regular people.
But if them come at you with axes, you come at them with guns.
- No.
- They ain't gonna come back, yo.
Grasshopper: They'll come back with guns.
Yo, well, you get Uzis, man, - no one's gonna take, like - Then they'll get assault rifles - Nine-millimeter Glock, man.
- They'll get AK-47s.
Yo, well, you get a bomb.
If we get bombs, they'll get bigger bombs.
Yo, well, you nuke them, whatever.
Well, if we nuke 'em, then the trees get blown up! Yeah, whatever, forget about them.
At least you've won.
Does you wanna give a final message to the camera? Sure.
Rise up and rebel, you know, with nonviolence.
So what's your message to the camera? - My message - It's not about nonviolence as well, is it? I I would say it has to be.
- Rubbish.
- I encourage you to rise up, do whatever you can to make the Earth a better place.
Yo, whatever you can, violent or nonviolent.
No, I did not say that.
- Yo, well - I can't advocate violence.
Yo, but, man, if I start advocating nonviolence, come back to the street, man, you know, people be, "Yo, you's a nonviolent guy! Yo!" Pff! That's part of the power structures that we're working on chiseling away at with our actions, with our words, - with our thoughts, with our songs.
- What songs has you got? It's called "Gentle Warrior.
" No offense, but that song, in my opinion, is a bit crap.
Each has their own opinion.
[music] [music] Announcer: Funkyzeit! Also, jetzt bin ich hier in Miami, South Beach, only the coolest club scene in the whole world! Big deal, I've been here four times already.
Good news for you, I'm on the guest list tonight! And it's plus one.
Let's party! Zusammen machen! [music] Also, jetzt bin ich hier mit James Butler from the super cool super club Nerve Lounge in Miami, Florida.
Tell me, what did Matt Damon say to you when he came in the club? Well, Matt had had a few drinks and he was having a good time, so, uh, he just said that he'd be back at some point [giggling] And what did you say to him? I said, "Come back anytime.
" [giggling] And then what did he say to you? Well, he said he's gonna go home and make sure that he'd take care of the girl that he was with, so I said, "Well, have a good time.
" [giggling] And then what did you say to him? - That was about it.
- Did you ever think of, like, telling somebody that conversation, or Yeah, actually, I spoke to my brother today - and I told him, up in Toronto, Canada.
- Wow! [giggles] - Then what did he say? - Oh, he was laughing! He thought it was a hilarious time.
It was fun.
So let's talk about who you would let in and who you wouldn't let in.
How do you deal with that awkward situation of somebody in a wheelchair coming in and you want to push them away, but you don't want to create a scene, how do you turn zem away? You just go to the next person and let the other people in.
So, what, you just ignore them, or do you wheel them away, or No, you just try to ignore them and hopefully they'll go away.
Where do you see the future of clubbing? The future of clubbing, I believe is in house music.
Do you think if house music was around in the '30s, - that World War II would have happened? - No, I don't.
- I don't think it would have happened at all.
- Why? Let's face it, music is the international language of love, and that's what makes the world go around.
Let me ask you a question The rise of club music, the fall of apartheid, a coincidence or not? I don't think it's a coincidence at all.
It's about creating good energy and love throughout the world.
If your club was a note, what would it be? [sings] Just stop me where where we get to where your club is.
[singing] Right there.
[singing continues] Right there.
[sings] Right there.
- Is there, or [sings] - Yeah.
- [both sing] Right there.
- Why? Why? Because it's not quite it's not quite at the top of the energy level - Cool.
- but we like to keep it along the mainstream.
What do you think of clubs that are just, [sings in monotone] - They're dull and boring.
- Yeah.
And clubs that are, [sings rapid scales] When they're all over the place, again, people won't stay all night.
And [sings in minor key] Probably full of hip-hop assholes.
[music] Okay, you can come in, just by yourself.
- With him.
- No, just you.
Not him.
Is Tommy here? Tommy? - No.
- I'm on the list.
- Victor Bruno.
- What's your name? Victor Bruno.
- Victor Bruno? - Yeah, B-R-U-N-O.
You're not dressed right.
- What are you talking about? - You're not dressed right.
That's ridiculous.
Go and change your shirt.
Make an effort.
- You're going out to a club.
- What? This is a nightclub, this isn't, like, a shopping mall.
What are you talking about? This shirt's [bleep] $250! If you'd spent some proper money on the shirt, you'd be able to get in.
- I'm on the [bleep] list, seriously.
- I'll have none of that attitude.
Go on and change your shirt and maybe you got a chance.
[music] What you do if a man come and attack you with a big, long in his hand, uh, how you say - Stick? - No, a big long uh - penis? - Oh.
That doesn't happen very much over here.
- We don't see that.
- In Kazakhstan, very much.
Uh, my friend, Azimach Bagatof, a giant from Turkmenistan attack him, broke his anus.
Ah, I think probably the best thing to do would be to strike or kick.