Ali G Rezurection (2014) s02e04 Episode Script


Crawb up! Ten year ago, when me done this show, America was the most powerfulest nation in the whole globe.
It became number one thanks to American inventions like spaghetti and kung fu.
But since then, a country called China has been discovered and it has taken over, innit? So for those of you watchin' in its capital, Tokyo, who might never have seen me or any other black man hello.
Or, as you say in your language, "ching chong.
" Me has a message for you.
Jing jong, ding dong, king dong jing jong, ping pong, ming jung, bong, long dong.
Jung bung bung dong.
Or as you say, "ah so.
" Now check out the show! Bang belly an' govern things! West Side.
Dong di.
2x04 - Class A'ight.
Booyakasha! Check this! Today, we is talking about women.
I is with none other than Professor Sue Lees.
She be director of the center for gender research.
And we is gonna be talking about ladies.
Now one in two people in the country is a woman, so it's about time you got to know about them.
They is important, aren't they? They indeed are.
Do you think a woman should be able to have any job? I do, yes.
I think they should be able to have any job.
Would you feel safe, though, if you knew a woman was flying your plane? Why wouldn't you feel safe if a woman was flying it? Do you feel safe being driven by a woman? No, but would you not be scared that she would start nattering or thinking about things, and then forget to fly the plane or get angry, and suddenly - But that's incredible prejudice, you know.
- Why? Because there's no evidence that women women are just as reliable workers as men are.
A lot of bullies me know is trying to get their girlfriends into feminism.
Do you think that is right? Yeah, I do.
I think it's a good thing.
Do you think all girls should try feminism at least once? Well, girls today often don't recognize how much they've benefitted from feminism.
But do you think it is right when they try feminism when they is drunk at a party or whatever with a few mates? What does trying feminism mean? You know, try a bit of feminism, and when they is sober the next day, they get back together with their boyfriends.
Well, I don't understand what you mean by "get feminist.
" When they kiss a woman.
What, being lesbian, are you talking about? Sexually? - A'ight, for real.
- But that's not feminist.
Feminism is not about sex.
- Having sexual relationships with other women.
- A'ight.
- It ain't only about that - That's not what feminism is Well, it's not about it at all! Me Uncle Jamal, - he says he is trisexual.
- Yeah? He will try anything sexual.
What does that mean? There are a lot of people who would agree that they are.
That they would like having sexual relationships with men and with women.
So you is saying that you think that he has done it with men? - That he has? - A'ight? Um, well, it would have suggested that, from that.
So you think me Uncle Jamal is a - Oh, I don't know about your Uncle Jamal - batty boy? No, I don't think he's a batty boy.
But you think me Uncle Jamal like it in both pipes? Well, I think he probably is making a joke.
For real.
So, it's probably a joke.
- It's probably a joke.
- He didn't necessarily - 'cause he is a joker.
- Yes, I think he's a joker.
If you call him dat to his face, he'd probably kill you.
Me just wanna say thank you, Professor Lees.
- Big up yourself.
- Okay.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.
So, Mr.
Stansfield, what does the CIA stand for? Central Intelligence Agency.
So does it help if you is intelligent if you want to get in? Yes.
To get in, you need a college degree.
Ain't that a bit racialist, though, - that you has to be intelligent? - Isn't that a bit? Racialist that you won't allow in thick people.
I don't think it's racialist.
We can't use them if they're a bit stupid.
Could I ever work for the CIA? I would certainly think so, you seem intelligent.
Thank you very much, I is got two GCSEs.
All right.
So what is terrororism? Terrorism is the effort to strike fear into people in order to achieve some political objective.
So how does the CIA deal with terrororists? Well, we try to find terrorists.
One time, during my tenure as the head of the CIA, we had managed to put an agent, - one of our people - A'ight, for real.
or one of our friends, inside a Middle Eastern terrorist organization.
A'ight, you put an Asian in there.
Put an agent in there.
So why is it that you only put Asians into those places? Asians? No, I didn't put Asians in.
These were I thought you said you put an Asian in there.
- Agents.
- Oh, right, so these weren't, like, - Bangladeshis or whatever - No, a-g-e-n-t-s.
Oh, all right.
So let's talk about spies now because the CIA is also got to do with spies, innit? Is it true that you have certain female spies that you put - a camera in their punani? - No.
So what uniform do the CIA spies wear? They don't wear a uniform.
They have to be as incognito as possible.
Now look, you - go over to a foreign country.
- A'ight.
And we have a CIA person that goes - to country X.
- A'ight.
And in that country, he finds Joe, - who is willing to give us information.
- Who is Joe? - Joe is a member of country X.
- A'ight.
He's a citizen of country X.
Is it not dangerous that you is saying his name? Because this may be on the telly.
Well, if I had a real name here, - I wouldn't be saying it.
- Ah, this ain't his real name.
- I'm sorry? - Is this his real name? Joe? - I'm just making this up.
- Ah, okay, all right.
All right, okay.
Thank you, Admiral Turner.
Big up yourself.
Booyakah! Today we is talkin' about fashion, because it ain't only on the streets, it is also in the shops.
And I is here with none other than me main man, Tomaz Starzewski.
That be a main fashion designer.
Now, fashion it well important, innit? Yeah, it's important.
We all like clothes, we all wanna look good.
Fo' real.
Me respectin' what you is wearin' now.
Your threads, you're stylin' it.
You rockin'.
Will you make clothes for any woman, though? If she likes my style, she likes my look, I'm very happy to make clothes.
I mean I don't have a problem with that.
What, even if they is mingers, would you still make clothes for them? - If they're what? - Mingers.
If they have, you know, "nice personality.
" You know, "nice personality," you know, face like a Rottweiler's ass.
To me, if I can't fulfill that woman's fantasy of making her look better, I shouldn't be a designer.
But they'll bring a shame on your clothes - if they is well wrecked.
- It is my challenge - to make her look good.
- So do you say to her, "This is a big challenge because you've got a face - that really need to be covered"? - No, not at all.
I wouldn't even I feel that's appalling.
What about Versace? Do you rate him? I feel that - Gucci is the Versace of today.
- A'ight.
Was you happy when he got No, 'cause I think it's a tragedy for anyone to be murdered.
A'ight, but they was less competition.
It has nothing to do with competition.
I think that it's a great tragedy.
I wouldn't wish that upon anybody.
Me heard it was Calvin Klein that did it.
Is that true? I think it's highly unlikely.
What do you think about the Wonderbra? It's changed a lot of women's lives.
- Do you think it should be banned? - Whatever for? Because you think you is gettin' somefin' - and then you don't get it.
- Well, if you're stupid enough to think you're going to get it, it's your fault.
The other week, though, me was in this club, and me saw this girl and she, you know, weren't she had a bad face, whateva, - but she had - Her Wonderbra.
She had these serious Babylons, man, and me was grindin' and me was doin' the Bogle, man.
And me took her home, me unleashed them and they disappear! They gone! There one on the floor, one behind her back.
That ain't fair! She's a good actor, you gotta give it to her.
- But me couldn't keep - You gotta give it to her - that she pulled you.
- Me did give it to her, but me didn't feel good about giving it to her, you know what I mean? A'ight! Check it out.
Buy your Starzewski.
Start wearing the Starzewski.
Start keeping it real and stylin' it.
Big up yo self.
- Hello, Borat.
- Jankoey, hello! - Welcome to the Camberley Club.
- Thank you very nice - We will try - to be welcome.
Great pleasure.
That's what we call "the jack," and we bowl to the jack.
- Who is Jack? - The this is the jack.
- Yes? - But we are going to throw this down to the bottom.
If you'd like to try, would you like to try? Yes, and when will Jack come? No, no, this is called a jack.
- Yes.
- That is jack.
This little ball, understand? - Yes.
- The ball is called a jack.
- And what is this ball called? - That's a wood.
- Mr.
Wood? - No, a wood.
There is a man called Jack, - he dress like a ball? - Oh, no, no.
- We are going to bowl to this - Yes.
once down to the bottom.
- I understand.
- Right.
And when will Jack come? - This is the jack - Yes.
- which we are going to bowl to.
- I like Jack Nicholson.
Take that! Take the bank! - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes? No, no.
- Right.
- Yes.
- Bowling shoe.
- Yes, a shoe.
- Bowling shoe, yes.
- Shoe.
- Trousers.
- Trousers! - Jack.
- Hello.
- All right? You understand now.
- Yes.
Now you try.
Oh, no, not too fast! You must do it gently.
- Yes.
- Try again.
- Like this? - Yes.
Like this Yeah, well, that right.
Do many people get hurt playing bowls? Nobody gets hurt, no.
- Nobody gets hurt.
- Do many people die - No.
- from this? Only the older people with a heart attack.
But if you get a ball like this, and you take it on someone's head, - and you smash, many times - Oh, no.
- it can hurt very bad? - Oh, yeah, but that's not bowls.
- And if you put your hand there - Yes.
it helps.
Just, no.
It's balance.
- Yes.
- So just try that.
- Okay? - Yes.
Don't worry about that too much.
- Relax, nice and - Yes.
Just relax.
Is difficult to relax like this.
- I know, but you must relax.
- Yes.
I relax.
No, you - your ball is going that way.
- Yes.
Do you want to see our changing room, - where the players are? Yes? - Yes, please.
- Will there be many men with no clothes there - No, no.
- and their khrum outside? - No.
- And what is this, here? - That's a urinal.
- Is a shower? - No, that's where they do a toilet.
- You lie down here? - No, you stand up.
- Stand up.
- You, uh - And then you no, no, no, no.
- Like this? No, you just do a wee in there.
Where does wee? - And this one - Yes.
- Yes, I know.
- Yes? And this, if it stink, you come and do - Oh, no, you stand up! - You do a dirty? No, you do it this way.
- Can you do a dirty - No, in there - or this one.
- Yes.
Which one you prefer? - Depends what I want to do.
- Yes.
If I just want to do a wee, I do it in that one.
Otherwise, you do it in this one.
But if you want to do a dirt, - and you are in a hurry - In there.
and there is someone in there, you do a No, no, no, no, that's not allowed.
- But there is space for - Yes, no, that's water only.
But you can have five men do a squeeze a something, you understand? - Oh, yes.
- You squeeze from the anus.
No, you do it there.
- When you've been to the toilet - Yes.
- you wash your hands.
- Do you ever do a toilet in here? No-oo.
You'd be thrown out of the club if you did.
- Why? - Because it's not hygienic.
- But why not? - Because you've got that or that.
- Oh, hello, Bill.
- Hello.
- Nice to see you.
- How'ya, all right? Yeah, this is "Borack.
" - Oh, right, hello.
- Hello.
Hello, Borat.
Nice to have met you.
- And what your name is? - Todd Slaughter.
- Todd? - Todd Slaughter.
Slaughter? What does mean? - To kill to kill? - Well, that's right.
- It's an unusual name.
- Yes.
But I always say, "laughter," with S in front.
- Yes.
- Yes? - So that's where it derives.
- My name Borat.
Borat? Now, I do not know that name.
- But, uh - Like a Barry.
Like English Barry.
Like English Barry, right, yes.
But some people call me Steve.
- Yes? - Yes! Why do they call you Steve? - Why not? - Why not! - Well, yes, I know - I meet a man in Kings Cross last night.
He wear leather trousers.
He call me Steve.
Right, right.
Now, my first name, Todd - Yes.
- is a nickname.
It's called Nick? - No, no, it is a nickname.
- Yes.
- A pseudonym.
- Yes.
- A nom the guerre.
- Yes.
- Do you understand all those already? - Yes! Yes? A sobriquet.
- Yes.
- That's what it is.
So, uh but no one calls me Nick, no.
So, where do we go now, Nick? - We go now - Nicholas? Nicholas! No, no, no, we go now to the outdoor club of Watchetts Bowling Club.
Do you sometimes make friends from this? Oh, very much so.
It is one way, actually, - to make a lot of friends.
- Yes.
And in particular, if some of them, the people who may be on their own, - who are looking - Yes.
- for someone - Yes.
A partner maybe? They can You can maybe play the game and then have do sex? - Well, I don't know about sex, no.
- Yes.
- It certainly doesn't go with that.
- Yes.
It doesn't really matter what your ability is - Yes.
- You can actually join in.
And gypsies, can they play, or is best to keep them away from the Well, I would seek to keep gypsies away.
Yes, of course.
We keep the gypsies - You don't really want trouble makers.
- Thank you.
This my friend, Nick.
He show us how to play ball.
Thank you, Nick.
Wicked! I is here with Lord Rees-Mogg, and we is talking about class.
Lord Mogg is gonna tell us how we all can be upper class, can't we? It's very kind of you to promote me to the nobility, but, of course, I'm not.
My father is Lord Rees-Mogg and I'm just a commoner like everybody else.
So what is class? What is class? Class is how other people perceive individuals to be.
What do you think makes a girl upper class? Well, exactly the same thing that makes a man upper class.
But is it things like she spits into her hanky? I don't think spitting into one's handkerchief is widely regarded as a symbol of membership of the upper class.
What if someone is so rich they have a swimming pool? - Would they then be upper class? - Um no, I think that's a bizarre - definition of class.
- A'ight.
What if they had a swimming pool made of gold, but filled with champagne and not the cheap stuff? Then would they be in the upper class? What if like Cleopatra, they bathed in ass's milk? - In what? - Ass's milk.
- Um - Ass milk? - Butty milk? - Ass's.
- From your - No, no, no.
- A donkey's.
- Oh, right.
So, what if I nobbed the daughter of a lord? - Um - If she got a bun in the oven, what class would the little nipper be? Um well, so much depends on the circumstances.
It depends on the girl in question and so on and so forth.
So, what if you got busy with my sister? I wouldn't advise it, 'cause she ain't the cleanest girl out there.
I haven't had the pleasure of meeting your sister.
A'ight, well, it can be arranged.
She'd be keen.
I think speculating on my having a relationship with someone I've never met and that leading to a child being born and then as to what class it might be is so far-fetched as to be ridiculous.
I have no idea What, you think you is too good for my sister? - Certainly not, no.
I wasn't saying that - A'ight.
- You is.
- No, no, no No, you is, though she is rank.
She's nothing.
- I'm probably not worthy of your sister.
- No, believe me.
Even my mum cuss her, tell her she's a slut.
Would I be upper class if I got a top hat and wore it? Um well, would you like to try? I have a top hat, I can lend it to you for the next few minutes of this interview, if you'd like.
- So, am I upper class now? - Absolutely.
You're a dead ringer for Lord Snooty.
Thank you, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
You have shown that class is interesting and we should know about it, but not get stuck in it if we is gonna get ahead.
- Wicked.
- Thank you very much.
- Keep it real, Jacob.
- Thank you.
The predominant reason why people turn to crime is for the very reason to make more money.
- And poony.
The poon poon.
- Yep.
Shouldn't you send a very clear message to the youths out there? Yes, in the short term, you can get more poony, more muff.
But in the long term, you will get bummed.
Yep, yep.
I think that's a statement well worth making to young people.