Ali G Rezurection (2014) s02e06 Episode Script


Staines-upon-Thames Massiv in da house, a'ight! I is here in the back of a Jacuzzi in a limo in Hollywood with two fly bitches, eating KFC.
Wait I has lost a Chicken McNugget between your legs.
Does you mind if I get it? Hello, what is we got here? Does you want some coleslaw, a'ight? There is one piece of meat in this Jacuzzi that ain't boneless, a'ight? I was talking about me dong.
Check out me show! Boom boom, shake that mofo room.
2x06 - Media 'Ello.
Booyakasha! Diggity check this out because I is here with none other than my main man, General Brent Scowcroft.
Him was the national security advisor to George Bush, who was the President of America, and also to some geezer called Ford.
Is fighting the most harmful thing you can do to the other side? Ain't the most harmful thing you can do is to call them nasty names? Mm, not really, not for countries.
Let's imagine we was back all those years ago - when you was fightin' Russia.
- Mm-hmm.
If de president had gone over to the head of Russia and said, - "Yo, Boris or whatever!" - Mm-hmm.
- "Stop bein' such a eh-hh.
" - Mm-hmm.
- He would have felt this small.
- Well, as a matter of fact, we did that.
- Did you go "uh-hh"? - Well, not "uh-hh.
" - But what? - Well, you don't do that in diplomatic circles.
But did you do a kind of spaz kind of impression? Uh, no.
When should a nation nuke another one? That's a very good question.
- That's a very good question.
- Thanks a lot.
I would say only if its very vital interests are involved.
Do you think America should nuke Canada? - No.
- Why not? Well, because, first of all, we don't have any real significant - problems with Canada.
- But if you nuked Canada, the amazing thing would be the element of surprise.
Them would never expect it.
And then you could take all their - everything they got there.
- We don't want what they have.
Well, they must have something good up there.
Oh, they have a lot of things good.
- They have a lot of gold, - And those cow things - they have a lot of oil - with the horns.
- Moose.
- A'ight.
If you is an officer, what is the bestestest - tactic in battle? - To win.
What what? What does that mean? The best the best tactic you can do is to maneuver so that you surprise the enemy.
- So is the bestest tactic surprise? - Sure, it is.
- 'Cause that makes me fink of ooh! - Yes.
- Did that surprise you? - Yes.
- That did, didn't it? - And when you surprise somebody, you have the advantage, 'cause you know what you're doing.
And he doesn't.
He's not prepared.
- That's true because I was thinking that aah! - Yeah.
- Yo, did that - Exactly, and most of our great most of the great generals in history have figured out how to surprise the enemy.
Do something they don't anticipate.
I understand what you is saying because hah! Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, I is trying to does you understand? - I is trying to surprise you.
- Yeah, no, it's exactly it's exactly that concept.
Is the army worried about the threat - of chemical and biological weapons? - Sure, sure.
Did they ever catch the people that sent Tampax through the post? Uh, no, they did not.
It wasn't Tampax, it was anthrax.
All right, I think they is different brand names.
Well, maybe, but anthrax is the germ.
Tampax is something very different.
Me just wanna say big up yourself, General Scowcroft.
You is helped us out here and, you know, the interesting ooh! Yeah! - The surprise, the surprise thing! - Surprise.
- Yo, the surprise thing.
- You got it.
But me just want to say all you lot out there, listen to the words of my man, the general, and I ain't shittin' you, he really is a general, Scowcroft here, 'cause him has said 'nuff important things about war and things.
You better listen up! Don't get mashed up.
Keep it real.
Today I go to ranch in Texas full of exotic animals.
It is like a zoo, but more fun, because instead of just look at animals, you can also shoot them in the head with a gun.
Happy time, jankoey.
- Come in.
- Thank you.
Welcome to the Serengeti Ranch.
Wowowiwah, it's a very nice! - Ah, this is nice! - Oh, yeah.
- You have hunt this? - Yeah, we've been to Africa seven times.
- Wowowiwah! - We shot a lot of different things.
And what is most expensive animal for you to shoot? Last year, we shot a Père David deer.
Wowowiwah, this the one that That's the one from China that's extinct.
- You see the feeders where Jim is? - Yes.
That's corn and then when the trigger's off, it makes the animals come, 'cause they hear the sound of it - Yes? - and then they'll come in a hurry.
But do they not know if they come, - they will say goodbye? - No, they don't know.
From a long time ago in Africa, they used to hunt the black guys.
You don't have any Jews up in your country, do you? Jews? We have many Jews.
They cause a lot of - the one who like the money? - Yeah.
- That's one of their traits, all right.
- In my country the big nose people, they make a lot of trouble.
They make trouble here in America too? - Everywhere they are.
- Yes.
They were so bad in Germany controlling the economy and all the money and stuff.
That's why when the Nazis got in power, they said, "We're gonna have a final solution to these Jews.
" - We're going to hunt the Jew! - Kill 'em all.
It is a shame you cannot have in one of this uh a deer and then a Jew and say you can hunt a Jew.
You can't be that way in this country.
- Why not? - I know.
It's okay with me, but it's not with other people.
The media.
Lot of you out there probably never even heard of the word.
- Is books part of the media? - Absolutely.
What is the point of them? I mean, I ain't done this, but has any of you actually ever read a book? - Oh, of course! - No, I yo, no, no, no, I is talking about the whole thing.
- I've read thousands of books in my life.
- All right, don't show off.
- I mean, some people - Well, name one, then.
Name one? I was reading one today called "Sex, Lies, and Videotape.
" Is that a is that a real book? Uh, to my understanding, it was a film, but it may also be a book.
A'ight, so that's a film.
That ain't a book.
What is you think about violence on TV? Nobody, I don't think, in their right mind would say there shouldn't be any violence in entertainment.
The question is, do you depict it in a way that makes it appealing? But what harm has violence ever done? - Oh! Death, I mean, are you - Yeah, but apart from that.
Well, death and injury.
I mean, if you die, you're injured.
All right, well, apart from that, yeah, those two things, yeah.
Does you think that violence on the telly leads to violence on the street? Well, to begin with, I wouldn't limit it to television.
- You got film - Well, violence in the media, whateva.
- you got rap, you got video games.
- With all respect, though, that is BS.
That stands for bullshit.
Because me watch "Star Trek," but that don't mean that me go out and build a spaceship and fly into the air and above that into the thing called space and them have, you know, them ears and all that thing, innit? - Well, to me, that makes a point.
- Yo, answer that.
There's a difference between violence that is readily and easily imitable, versus ray guns.
Should telly be used to educate our children? The television could be a powerful medium for education.
Well, like, "Sesame Street" is very educationist.
I is learned a lot from that.
Why don't they make a version of "Sesame Street" for kids? - That's what it's for.
- What? That's what it's made for.
With all respect, the other day me saw it, and the letter was X, and me don't think that kids would understand that.
Check this, did you know that xylophone is spelled with an X? - Yeah, sure.
- But zoo is spelled, like, - with something.
- Z.
- The other one.
- Zoo is spelled with Z.
Do you think that there should be censorship? We have censorship on television.
Me grew up watching whatever me wanted.
Me was watching pornos from the age of 11.
And me don't see me Julie complaining now.
Every time.
So, does you think it's all right to see animals on the telly? People having sex with animals? - What? No.
- Oh, you mean sex with animals.
Animals having sex? - No, animals.
- Animals having sex with animals? No! Yo, take it easy.
It is disgusting enough seeing a woman and a horse do it, but actually seeing two horses getting jiggy together.
That was actually on the television.
While I don't personally enjoy watching two elephants have sex on a PBS special, - I don't consider it pornographic.
- So, does you think the media put too much attention on women to look a certain way? I think that it does clearly present - an unreal image of life.
- But does you think there's enough pressure being put on women from the media? 'Cause there is still so many fatty boom booms walkin' around.
People need to think about that.
They need to look at a Rosie O'Donnell and say, "Well, that's someone who looks like more of the people I see day to day.
" - Yeah, right.
That's another point.
- Well, come off it.
Rosie O'Donnell, how much? How much? I think Rosie O'Donnell - is clearly the exception.
- How much? Not even for a million bucks, bet you wouldn't.
She is the exception to this presentation.
Me wanna say big up to all of you lot out here.
Me hope to me peeps out there that you is learned something.
And at least taken away one thing.
Whatever it is, that you think it is all right to watch the National Geographic Channel.
Watch two elephant bonin', like this man does.
You at home, make up your own mind.
Keep it real, peace.
Diggity check yourself before you wreck yourself, 'cause I be here with none other than my man, John Naber.
Him be president of the US Olympians, and today we is chattin' about none other than the Olympics.
The Olympics, it's well important, innit? It seems to be the one thing that holds the world together - in the world of sport.
- A'ight.
So where is the Olympics being held this year? In Athens, Greece.
- In Greece? - Yeah.
Why is it being held in a 'scuse me French bit of a crap country? The city of Athens was the city where the very first modern Olympics was ever held in 1896.
So what other type of Olympics is there? The only other type of Olympics I know of is something called the "Special Olympics.
" Is the prize money really bad for these Special Olympics, because I is seen some of them, and without being disrespectful or anything, a lot of the contestants seem to be spasticated.
- Yeah, they are.
- But the level there is pretty low I mean, they ain't you know? I mean, I reckon I could beat a lot of them.
Well, you probably could.
Me heard there is drug testing at the Olympics.
- There sure is.
- Is that true? - Yes.
- Is that the bestest event? Uh, drug testing in the Olympics is basically they take some urine from the athletes and they run it - through a machine - A'ight.
that detects if there's any drugs in there.
So what does you do to them - if you find they has been taking drugs? - You kick 'em out.
Why is you disqualify them if them is on drugs? I mean, if anything, surely you should be giving them a head start.
'Cause I know if I is, like, totally mashed, I can hardly be asked to get off the sofa, - let alone walk to the fridge.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, if they would - Let alone do a race.
That's a good point.
If it was recreational drugs, they should give them a head start.
Is most world records set at the Olympics? It's hard to say.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Was the world record for the tallest man set at the Olympics? No.
The world's record for the tallest man is not an Olympic competition.
That's just a "Guinness Book of World Records" record.
So, what about the record for the longest mustache? No, that was not an Olympic sport either.
Somebody said it's possible to be the world's tallest midget, but how do you know? What? Well, you measure them, innit? Yeah, but how do you know the world's tallest midget? Well, you'd have to with a ruler, innit? Yeah, but how do you know what makes a midget? Maybe I'm the world's tallest midget.
- Am I? - No.
- Midgets is like the sword blowers, innit? - Right.
So how do you become the world's tallest midget? I don't know, with diet and how you eat.
Well, what makes a midget a midget? The fact that they're short? Which ones is midgets? Is them the ones that is, like, same things, or is them the ones with big dongs? Uh, I don't know.
But I think they're short.
So what's your point? My point is that it's hard to reward somebody for being the way they were born.
- Yo, total respect.
- Thank you.
Staines-upon-Thames Massiv in da house, a'ight! Funkyzeit! Entschuldigung bitte.
I am here in the coolest city in the world.
That's right, LA.
Los Angeles.
It make Vienna look like a scheissen der fuhrer.
All right, let's go find out what makes it so out there.
We're going to look.
Would you like to prefer to be born without a sense of fashion or with just like one of those hands that has, like, really small fingers, you know? Like tiny fingers, like, half a hand thing? Yeah yes, I'd rather be born with that, with a sense of fashion, definitely.
- And with one of those - Exactly.
Of course, because you can, like, - design - Exactly.
Something that can cover them, - some special gloves or something.
- Yes.
Maybe you could add some steel fingers or silver fingers.
You know, things like that to make it look like extra sized.
What was it like when Madonna came in through the front door, did her Vogue, and just said, "Hi, I'm a virgin.
" Well, she didn't just come I don't want to say.
She hasn't come to this store here yet.
- She hasn't - She hasn't been here? No, not when I was here, so So why are we here? You said, Madonna - They're crazy about Madonna.
- Okay.
- Can we just pretend for, like, a sec - Okay, yes.
Okay, so what was it like when Madonna just came through the door here and just said, "Okay, I wanna buy these clothes.
These are the greatest clothes I've ever seen," and then just did the Vogue? Yeah, it was amazing.
It was unbelievable.
How many things did she buy here? - Twelve to fourteen pieces.
- Oh, my God! And did she come back here - many, many, many times? - Yes, she did.
- Is this her favorite shop? - Yes.
What's the cool way to walk? All right! This is the coolest way to walk.
Okay, great.
What is, like, the in-est religion now? - Buddhism.
- And what was the in religion, like, you know, last fall? Maybe Catholic? So we've got a charity with this show, it's to do with, like, death or dead children, I don't know.
Uh, I just wonder if you could, like, do something for them in camera.
Take it away, from the God of Fashion.
- That's it.
- Great.
That was cool.
That will make the difference.