Ali G Rezurection (2014) s02e09 Episode Script

History

Raatid! I's been sitting in this Jacuzzi for six hours now.
During that time, I's done over 15 wees and a quarter of a plop.
There is currently a four-burger pile up in me batty.
And if we don't get to a McDonald's bog soon, we's probably going to be sittin' in a chocolate milk shake, a'ight? Check out me show! Sweetheart, I'd sit over there if I was you.
I's just done a little wee-wee over this half.
2x09 - History A'ight.
Booyakasha, check this out.
I is here with my main man, none other than the boss man, Mr.
Gore Vidal.
Today we is chatting about history, innit? 'Cause you better learn about it.
Is history happening all the time? We are history.
We can't help it.
When I was 14, I fingered this girl called Ruth Jonas and she found out that me was letting people sniff me fingers for tenpence and she told me that I was history.
- Is I history? - Well, you were history for her.
For real? So, what does that mean? That means as far as one person on Earth goes, you are historic.
- What was the Constitution? - It was a written document outlining how the government of a new country - should be governed.
- So why did they decide to write the Constitution on those two tablets? They're not on tablets.
They're on paper.
- Didn't them hold up the - No, that's Moses.
So all right, so how involved was Moses in the Constitution? He had nothing to do with the Constitution.
So, is the Constitution the same now as it was back then? - No.
- Why? - Well, we have Amendments.
- How many of them has you got? We've got 27 Amendments to the Constitution.
Ain't it better sometimes to get rid of the whole thing rather than amend it? 'Cause, like, me used to go out with this bitch, [bleep] and she used to always try and amend herself you know, get her hair done in highlights, get, like, tattoo done on her butty crease, you know, have the whole thing shaved very nice.
But it didn't make any more difference.
She was still a minger.
And so, you know, me had had enough, and once me got her pregnant, me said, "All right, laters.
That is it!" Ain't it the same with the Constitution? Well, the Constitution has not yet been pregnant.
- Let's chat about slavery.
- Mm.
Ain't a lot of movies about slavery basically racialist? Like, whenever them needs to cast a slave, them always choose a brother.
Well, there were no white slaves - What? - in America, in the United States.
So, couldn't it be argued that slavery is a bit racialist? Well, it was totally racist.
So, you is an amazing guy.
You ain't just a historian and a writer and a speaker, you is also a world-famous hair stylist.
So let's just ask a couple questions about that.
That's Vidal Sassoon.
That's not me.
But that's what you go under as well.
No, that's somebody else.
I know him, too.
- All right, so - Very nice man.
All right, well, these next few questions may make a bit less sense, but just bear with me.
So, if you could cut any first lady's hair, which - one would it be? - You know, I've never cut any hair.
- That's Vidal Sassoon.
- Yo.
Easy now.
I is now going to Mount Vernon, which don't mean that I is gonna meet a bloke called Vernon and take him up the butty.
It means I is off to somewhere that's got something to do with history, innit? Boo! - Welcome to Mount Vernon.
- Yo, respect.
- Good to see you.
- Safe.
Washington lived here for about 40 years, so this is very much a reflection of his personality.
So does Denzel Washington still live here? - Denzel? - For real.
No, Denzel Washington's a different Washington family.
I really can't tell you a lot about his background.
Yo, he's a brother, innit? - Was the other one a brother? - "Was the other one a brother"? - I I don't think so, no.
- So, there is a river near this house.
Yeah, you can go out and see it right now.
Did him used to do a lot of, like, jet skiing on the river? Eh, I don't know if they had Jet Skis yet.
So, did him go windsurfing back then? We don't have any records of windsurfing either.
Is that because wind weren't invented then? Um, they had almost all of their big ships would've had sails - A'ight.
- so they would've been using - the same kind of technology - Techmology as the as the windsurfing uses today.
This is George Washington's most private sanctum.
- It's a study.
- For real.
And that's you know who that guy is.
Who's that? That guy is the father of the American Navy, John Paul Jones.
Was it difficult for him to live and fight without having any arms or legs? Well, no, he actually had a full body.
- So, what is the Fourth of July? - Fourth of July is when they issued the Declaration of Independence, and we treat that as a holiday over here.
So nobody goes to work on the Fourth of July.
We have fireworks and all sorts of celebrations.
And what date does you hold the Fourth of July on? - Usually the Fourth of July.
- Why? Well, that's why we call it that, I think.
Yeah.
What happens if it's a leap year? It wouldn't be on the Fourth of July then, innit? Yeah, it would still be on the Fourth of July.
- No, not in a leap year.
- Oh, yeah.
- Does you know what a leap year is? - Yeah, sure.
- Every, like, five years - It's every four years.
There's an extra day in February.
Well, maybe, yeah.
I think this place is a bit like P.
Diddy's, innit? - Is it really? - Well, I think he's got, like, something like this kind of house.
Huh, I didn't I've never seen it, so I don't I've seen this one, but I haven't seen that one, so I don't really know.
I think his is, with all respect, a little bit better.
You know, it's got, like, plasma - screens and a lot more bitches.
- Yeah, a lot more high tech, I bet.
Let me give you a little bit of information about this area here.
It's gated, so people cannot get in here unless they have somebody that they're coming to see.
Is there something that, if a man tread in it, it take his leg - No, no.
- He cannot go until I find him? No.
We don't have those here.
I say this because I had a very bad Gypsy attack.
They stole my wife plow and they touch my horse in a very bad way.
- Yeah.
- He got very depress after.
- Yeah, sure.
I understand.
- Not be safe.
I think this is a pretty safe community.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
My wife very scared from men with chocolate face.
There will be in this community? Uh there may or may not.
They would have to be fairly well off to live in this area.
So they would not behave like - the other chocolate face.
- Oh, no.
No, no.
If another of my wife die, is okay I bury her here? No, they won't allow that.
- What if I just burn her? - Uh well, yeah, you could if you yeah, you could probably do that.
Legally, you can't do that, but I know people that have done such things as that.
Is there a room with no window and a metal door? No, I believe all these rooms have windows.
I need a room for my brother.
He is a [bleep], and he very small head, but very strong arm.
He can smash.
Is it possible? Uh, you could probably build something in the garage.
Yes.
- That would be that, sure.
- To chain him? Why this bed so big? Well, this is for the husband and the wife.
But why you do not put her to her cage? Well, we don't cage 'em over here.
- Well, they escape if you do not.
- Oh, no.
My wife, she do very much noise when she do - toilet.
- You can shut that door there and then this door here and that'd be very quiet.
You will tell me if you can hear? Sure.
- Can you hear me? - Just barely hear ya.
I think it would be all right.
You can make noise and I will see if I can hear it? Okay, let me shut the door.
Make noise! Did you hear me? A little.
- A little? - This is what your wife sound like? She does not make lots of noise.
What do you feed her that she make so little noise? Well, just regular stuff that I eat.
Boom selecta.
Check it, today we is chatting about medical ethics.
What is the illness that they give out ganja for? I believe they've used it for glaucoma.
Where could I catch a disease like that from? - I don't know you catch it.
- Glaucoma? No.
I think it's something that can develop.
Does they give you, like, Kingston Superskunk or does they just give you normal Maui Maui? That I don't know.
Is normal medicine best at curing people or should you look to halternatives? Now, you is a homophobic doctor.
What's that like? - Homeopathic.
- All right.
All right, yo, yo, yo.
No, seriously, keep your own prejudices at home 'cause, you know, there might be gaylords out there who's watching this now.
I don't want you to insult them.
- So - No, you used the word "homophobic.
" You should take that back, that word that you said.
I didn't use the word, you did.
- I used the word "homeopathic.
" - You have misunderstood, sir.
I don't wanna be the guy who's in charge of this whole thing saying that kind of language is okay.
Sorry.
So, what is cloming? Cloning is basically where they take a cell A'ight.
and they make it grow into a living creature.
Does you fink cloming is right? Doing something this unusual is very, very dangerous.
First of all, we already know that their experience with this has shown many, many failures.
Well, what about if you could clome Foxy Brown? I bet you wouldn't say no to that.
Well, since I do not know who that individual is, - I can't say absolutely no.
- Foxy Brown, you know.
She ain't called "Foxy" for nothing.
- She is fly, like, serious Babylons.
- I see.
Yo, would you be into that if you could clone Foxy Brown? - No.
- I's getting you.
You don't like brown sugar or whatever.
What about if it was Carmen Electra? No, because basically I'm opposed to the issue of producing life in this circumstance.
Let's talk about doctors.
Does they have the right - to end old people's lives? - That's euthanasia.
Why is the responsibility of the youth in Asia for killing someone else? Surely it's between that patient and the doctor.
Euthanasia is the term that's used when you are killing.
It's a nice word for killing.
Well, whatever.
You is saying that it's mainly - Asian youths that is - No, no, no, no, no.
Does you think that they are responsible for this? You don't also agree with him? - Who's responsible for it? - The youth in Asia.
I think we're getting confused here.
"Euthanasia" comes from the Greek word for death.
Let me understand what you are saying.
You is saying that it ain't got nothing to do with young people in Asia.
You is saying that occasionally there's some doctors here, who may be from Asia, who do this.
That's correct, but they can also be from the United States.
- But they're mainly from Asia.
- No, no, no.
The ones that are there behave themselves very well.
No, the Asians we have absolutely no evidence that the Asians do it more than we do.
So, let's talk about plastic surgery.
I heard about this thing, and it's probably rubbish, that some girls hactually get their Babylons reduced.
Is that true? - Yes, it's true.
- For real? - What? Yes.
- Oh, yes.
Ain't that selfish, though, 'cause, like, it's one woman getting backache, but you is taking away thousands of men getting pleasure, innit? I think you're misunderstanding once again.
I'm talking about grossly enlarged where they are not attractive.
- For real, I was talking about nice ones.
- Oh, I see.
- Well, it's a matter of taste.
- Respect.
Safe.
We'll chat about that after.
Strut together, four.
Two forward toes.
Two turning twos.
Circle away, two, two.
Whoo! Good.
You're going to teach me? What's your name? - My name is Jim Harris.
- Jim Harris.
Just a quick one.
- This is a waltz.
- Okay.
Spin maneuver.
Over, spin firm.
Direct me.
Be strong with me.
One thing you must know is that I'm 100% faithful to my partner.
It might just be just like a bit of fun for you, but for me it's another broken heart.
This is all happening so fast.
and right, slide through to a promenade sway, and change sway.
- Great.
That was great.
- Thank you.
And tell me, it's great people around here.
- Great people.
- Yeah, I've enjoyed it very much.
Who's that guy, Jim, that I was dancing with? Uh, Jim is almost our professional.
- He does it just right.
- Yeah, wow.
He was really great.
I mean, does he have a partner? - Yes, his wife.
- Yeah, is Jim looking at me now? I'm not gonna look at him, but you just look.
Just tell me, is he looking at me? I don't think so.
Well, you just look.
I'm not gonna look over there.
I'm not gonna make it obvious.
No, no, he's not looking at you.
- Are you sure? - His back's to you.
Oh, playing hard-to-get.
- He's getting jealous.
- Right, okay.
Look how angry he is.
Look like you're enjoying it.
Let's make him jealous.
Hi, hi, how are you? Hi, Jim.
Remember me? Laugh, laugh.
- Great.
- I don't know about you, Jim.
- Great, is he looking now? - No, he's not.
- No? - Uh-uh.
But he is now.
He was turning there momentarily.
- He was, yeah.
- Right.
Kinda he glanced over his shoulder, you know.
He doesn't like the thought of you and me together one little bit.
- Okay.
- You saw him, the moment we were together, he was like - very, very jealous.
- Oh, okay very jealous.
Great.
So, I just want to say thanks so much, - and will I ever see you again? - Uh, I doubt it.
What? It's just this is, like, my last night in Atlanta.
- It felt like there was something - No.
special.
Also, jetzt bin ich hier mit die junge, Daniel.
- Hallo, Daniel.
- Hello.
- What your name? - My name's Daniel.
I have an interest in guns and handguns.
I'm also a hunter.
I like to hunt.
Wow, so, what is your biggest gun? The biggest caliber of gun I have would be my seven Magnum.
Do you need to use lubrication with a gun like that? Absolutely.
You definitely need to use lubrication.
How far can you put it up the poopenshaft before it's dangerous? Uh, I probably wouldn't use that up the poopenshaft.
What do you think it is that makes shooting the number one leisure activity for gay guys at the moment? Now that I don't know.
I don't know any gay people.
- And I'm not gay.
- Why are you denying it? I'm not judging you, I'm gay, too.
All right, if you call me gay one more time, I'm fittin' to knock every tooth out of your head.
You understand what I'm saying? - 'Cause I done told you that I'm not gay.
- Okay, sure.
I'm sorry.
Okay, that's good.
All right.
I'm sorry.
So, tell me, what is these things that, um One more time, I said.
So be careful what you say.
- Okay, so - Be real careful what you say.
Yo, peep this.
Me name be Gore Vidal.
I is spitting rhymes about early history.
Why homies give props to Uzis, not books ain't nothin' but a mystery.
A'ight.