Ali G Rezurection (2014) s02e08 Episode Script

Family

[snap] Easy now.
I is in the Wild, Wild West side.
It is well sad what is happening to Compton.
There ain't been a riot here for 17 years and drive-bys has gone down by over 80%.
The police, the NYPD, should be ashamed of yourselves.
If that weren't bad enough, me just found out that weed is legal here in California, which means I's flew on the plane for 13 hours with this stuck up me butty for no reason, a'ight? So check out my show and learn tings 'cause knowledge free the mind, innit? 2x08 - Family A'ight.
So, what is we gonna do today? I'm gonna take you around, show you some of the areas where we had a lot of gang violence and some of our more urban areas here in the Washington, D.
C.
, area.
Is signs an important thing in gangs? Absolutely.
Hand signs are a way for gang members to communicate with each other.
What does "stacking" mean? Stacking means gang members using hand signals to identify themselves and to talk to each other and to identify to other gangs what crew or what gang they're with.
I think I might've seen someone doing that 'cause at me hotel, there was this, like, middle-aged man and a middle-aged woman and they was obviously gang members 'cause they was throwing up gang signs to each other - Well - for about an hour.
Are you sure they're not deaf and they're just talking to each other? - What? - You know what I'm saying? Maybe they're hearing-impaired and they were just hand signing.
- Like - They was doing all, like, you know, that.
I didn't know the gang sign, but literally not a word for, like, an hour.
Well, it's possible they were just deaf.
- So, is there a massive deaf gang? - Uh, no.
Not that I know of.
Is it dangerous for people to do shadow puppets in the ghetto? Well, you do the wrong thing anywhere, you make the wrong sign or something like that somebody perceives it as something bad, they're gonna take action.
- For real? - Yeah.
'Cause in UK, you only do, like, that one and whatever the crocodile whatever, but could that lead to getting shot? Uh, it could depending upon where you are, what neighborhood.
Sure.
Can you do the one that looks like a girl's Which one's that? You know, if you put your hands like that.
Yeah? Put your hands like that.
- Here.
- Oh, that one? Then, like, look in there.
Have a look in there.
- Look exactly like it.
- Yeah, I've seen that one.
You know what I'm saying? It look exactly like it.
What is art? I don't know, but I think it is got something to do with the gays.
Whatever.
I is come to New York to find out more.
Check it.
What is art "now-voo"? "Now-vo," "now-vo"? - "Now-vo"? - Art nouveau.
- Whatever.
- Yeah, whatever.
What ever.
Art nouveau is a style toward the end of the 19th century.
What is art deco? New York is an art deco city, you might say.
So, what is Art Garfunkel? Art Garfunkel is Art Garfunkel.
He's just a singer.
Ain't that confusing for young people? It may be, but it would astonish me if it were.
I once painted me Julie with some chocolate body paint.
Is that art? The interesting question is not yes or no, but why? Well, I did it because I thought, you know, it would turn her on.
But it didn't.
It didn't even taste of chocolate and it looked like she'd shat the bed.
Yeah, it might still have been art, but it didn't do what you wanted it to do.
Yo, check this.
Normally, to get to see a girl naked, you need to take her out to a three-course dinner at KFC, buy her four Bacardi Breezers, and tell her you love her.
Artists is cleverly invented something called a life drawing class where they can stare at a girl's punani for up to three hours without having to pay nothing.
I is so excited, I's already got a semi-lob on.
Easy now.
Oh.
Yo, um Why don't you have a seat - and take a moment? - Yo, safe.
How long has you been doing the art thing? - Uh, well, it's been oh, gosh - Jesus.
- Look at the pose.
- Is he standing or sitting? He's sitting.
Can you see him? Yeah, for real.
I saw him before.
Can you see the model? Can you no, no, you have to draw him and see him at the same time.
Yeah, for real, but I took it in I's you know, I seen enough of that.
Well, go ahead and draw, then.
Yo, cool, safe.
- Hi.
- Respect.
He's got something to be proud of.
Sh-sh-shake it like a Polaroid picture.
Check this, I is here with none other than my main man, Dr.
Schultze.
Him was the chief economics advisor to some bloke called President Carter.
And also he was the budget director for "Lindy" Johnson.
- And she was the president.
- Nope.
- What? - It's a he and it's Lyndon.
Yo, let me just do the beginning bit again 'cause I didn't - Yeah.
- Okay.
Yo, check it.
I is here with Dr.
Schultze.
Him was economic advisor to President Carter and also to President Johnson, who was a man.
So, economics is well important, innit? Yeah, it is.
You know, it's where you make your money.
- For real.
- You get rich or you get poor.
You're unemployed, you got a job.
Let's talk about the notes.
Why does they put pictures of gaylords on the bills here? - Of who? - Of butty men? Of, like, men who blokes who do it with each other.
Why is they got pictures of gaylords? Gaylords.
Gayers.
Benders.
Butty men.
Fee-fee men.
- Uh, homos? - They don't.
- What no, on the thing, like.
- They don't.
Like, this bloke here.
Yeah, he was a famous general.
He was a president.
But come off it.
He's got the same haircut as me nan.
So what? What's a haircut got to do with it? What is the stock market? I want to have a company that produces toys, right? What, is this what, 'cause you's had enough with the politics and economics thing? No, no, no, no.
I just want to make money.
I got a good toy.
I know I can sell it.
- What is it? - But I gotta just any toy.
I'm just giving you an I don't know.
- Is it one of them robot dogs? - Yeah, let's say it is.
Or something like that.
Who knows? 'Cause them is out already.
All right, well, say it's a better one.
Why is you want to go into toys? Does you not think economics is interesting anymore? - No, I'm giving you an example.
- All right.
I'm trying to tell you what investment means - and why you need stocks.
- Oh, you don't want to go into toys.
Well, I don't want to myself, but I'm trying to give you an example.
- Suppose I did.
- Oh, that's a shame.
That's a shame, innit? - Just suppose I did.
- It woulda been a laugh.
Well, it sure would've because I wouldn't know how to make 'em, - but let's suppose I did.
- A'ight.
And I got a great idea.
I got a friend who's got a good toy he designed and I think it's gonna sell.
- Oh, wicked.
What's that? - Let's suppose it.
I'm just giving you an example.
I just made it up.
- Oh.
- I just made it up.
Does it make a difference what - price they buy it at or sell it at? - Yeah.
The lower you buy it and the higher you sell it, the more money you make.
But ain't the problem with selling things when you is high is that you sometimes get really bad deals? - Yeah.
- Like, one time when me was high, me sold me car for, like, 24 chicken McNuggets.
- Ain't it wrong to do that? - But it wasn't high.
Yo, no, me was totally high.
Me was mashed.
Me had done, like, some Super Skunk from Amsterdam that me'd got and me'd smoked, like, loads of it and then it was like me was well hungry and me mate Dangerous Dave said, "Yo, can we have your car?" And I said, "Yo, give me the chicken, maybe we'll chat about it.
" - But that's 'cause you were high.
- Yo, for real.
Yeah, but I'm not talking about you.
I'm talking about the stock.
Is the price high? Oh, so you shouldn't be high when you sell? No, no.
Don't be high.
- That's a real rule.
- Yo.
Don't be high when you're buying and selling stock.
Listen up, pay attention, and be careful with your cash if you want to be wearing bling.
Keep it real.
Respect.
- Yep, you got really good ones.
- Respect.
Right.
Hear me now.
Wagwan.
Today, we be chatting about the family.
Does you think the way we is bringing up kids is changing? Yes, we're raising them differently now.
Some of it's great, some of it's not so great.
So, at what age does you think parents should give their kids their first spliff? I don't think they should do that - What? - because it's illegal in our society.
How's the kid gonna know what's good shit and what ain't? You know, I was a drug user for almost three years during my Respect.
What? Everything but a needle.
Everything else.
Does you think that parents should heducate kids about sex? Yes, I do.
Um, and I think that I think that parents should answer kids' questions honestly or even take the initiative.
So, should parents invite the kids into the room - while they is boning? - No, no, no.
- Or should they show them porno? - No, no, no.
But, like, me dad when me asked him about sex, him said, "Yo, you hide in that kitchen cupboard tonight at 8:00.
" Then at 8:00, he brought back this honey much fitter than me mum and him, like, boned her every which way while winking at me.
And, man, I still use some of them moves, like the crouching soldier, whatever.
Ain't that right? See, that sort of incident, to me, it seems disrespectful of your mother, so part of No, she weren't in the house.
I actually suspect that most kids most places in the world learn about sex because everybody sleeps in the same bedroom.
- Or from animals.
- Dogs.
How does you learn about sex from animals? Well, you can watch them having sex.
Yo, but that's kind of weird sex.
- People doing it with animals is, like - No, no, I'm not talking about I'm talking about, like, a dog with a dog.
All right, let's talk about a difficult subject, a very tattoo subject relationships in the family.
Or as it's called, incense.
Incest.
- What? - Incest.
- Whatever.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
Does you think it's wrong that a brother can never marry his sister? - Yes, yes.
- I do.
For real? 'Cause once I was at me mate Jezzy F's 15th birthday party and me didn't know she was me cousin, but there was this game where if you got locked in the cupboard, you had to bone her.
Is that okay or did I do insects? The definition of incest does vary a great deal from culture to culture.
But what if you's got Halle Berry as your sister? You know, how is you gonna stop yourself fancying her? Because if you don't fancy her, you is basically gay, innit? No.
You know, there are lots of boys who grew up with very attractive sisters and they still want to pull their pigtails.
I mean I is all right.
Me sister is you know, she's a dog.
Like, her body's all right, you know, her butty's, like, fine, and she's got, like, amazing tits, but her face is, like, a real brown bagger, so I ain't got that problem.
You lot out there.
Family.
You heard the different sides.
You make a opinion.
Be safe.
Keep it legal.
Respect.
West side.
We start with a laugh you laughing at something as if I have said something very funny and then I will speak to the camera.
So, and then we did that.
Oh, hello.
Also, so, today we're gonna do a fun little part of the show.
It's called "In oder Aus.
" - I like that.
- It means, "In or out," yes? "In oder aus.
" I like that.
In oder aus.
In, aus, in, aus, in, aus.
In oder aus.
Charlize Theron, in or out of the balloon? - In the balloon.
- Okay, why? Because she just won the Oscar.
Because no one really knew much about her before, and because it was an independent film.
Ricky Martin? Keep him in the ghetto or train to Auschwitz? - Mm, keep him in the ghetto.
- Uh, why? - I just I like him.
- So, Burt Reynolds.
Keep him in the ghetto or train to Auschwitz? - Auschwitz.
- Liza Minnelli? Do you wish her a benign tumor or a malignant tumor? Actually, maybe malignant with a bomb to drop on top of her.
So, Jack Black.
Would you give him candy or cancer? - Cancer.
- Why? - I don't want to feed him.
- Exactly.
Oh, that is so bitchy.
I love that.
FASHION POLICE So, we're going to look at some of the pictures from the Golden Globes and the Oscars.
Okay, first up.
Who have we got? Renee Zellweger.
So, what do you think of this outfit? I think it's pretty.
I think it's really safe.
Um, I think like, the whole nice thing just doesn't work.
- Okay, you want to slam her? - Yeah.
So, okay, Renee Zellweger.
What do you think of that outfit? I think she just looks like hell.
- Yeah.
- I just you know, she should be pushing up her breasts and showing a little bit more cleavage.
Okay, let's see the next one.
What do you think? That's Peter Jackson.
What's this? He's showing up looking like crap.
That's right, and you've had 9/11, where you've had a massive attack on America, and then you have this.
- I think he's been - It's like a second like a not as big, but it's like a mini-9/11.
- Yeah.
He's a fashion terrorist.
- Sure.
Okay, guys.
We've gotta get it up.
You could, like, swear, like [bleep] just use the say [bleep] or, like So, okay, who have we got next? - Paris Hilton! - Oh, my God.
This is disgusting.
I mean, who'd wanna [bleep] that? We obviously know that she got where she is because of her money.
It's not because she's got any class.
- Right.
- She has no class at all.
She comes off like a royal bitch.
- Uh, this - We need to have it more? Right, no, no, no.
This channel is, like, part owned by the Hilton Group.
- Oh, wow.
- Now you tell us.
That's right I was forget it, we'll just do that again.
Okay, who's next? - Ooh, yeah.
- Great, Paris Hilton.
What do you think of her? Hot.
Here is a star.
- Great.
- Now, here's a star.
This is how every girl on the red carpet should dress.
Why do you think she's so respected in America? Um, I love everything there is about the Hilton family and I just think she's great.
Booyakasha.
Check this out.
Sex.
You is probably heard the word out there, and some of you probably know what it means.
For those of you who don't, it means bonin', but with bonin' comes "responsilibity.
" You gotta know what you is doing so you don't get a bad lurgy on your knob.
So, what is pregnancy? Pregnancy is when the sperm and the egg have met and the fetus implants itself and the baby grows for nine months in the woman's womb.
Can you make someone pregnant by taking them up the butty? By in their butty hole? Their exit hole? Oh, no.
You cannot.
Unless some of the sperms migrate out and get into her vagina.
And that can happen.
I didn't think you was gonna be using words like that.
- So, it's almost impossible.
- Almost impossible.
You see, Tanya? It ain't mine.
Right? And you know what you is chattin' about.
Can you say that very clearly to camera that it's basically impossible to get someone preggers when you take them up the butty? It's probably not a good idea.
- But it's almost zero percent.
- Almost zero percent.
- Listen up, Tanya.
- Almost zero percent.
Yo, look for someone else, slapper.
Let's have a little look at the table.
- Okay.
- Take us through that.
This is her vagina.
This is where sex takes place, right in that.
- But, of course, that stretches out.
- And that's the clit, innit? - No, um, right here.
- All right, respect.
- Yo.
- Yeah.
All right, safe.
What is that? This is a condom in a foil case.
Now, for young people out there who can't afford connies, does you recommend using a Doritos bag? I would recommend they went to Planned Parenthood and got some free condoms.
- What's this? - This is a female condom.
So, if the man doesn't want to wear a condom Yo, finally they is made one in my size.
What's this over here? This is what's called an IUD, an intrauterine device.
This goes right inside the woman's uterus.
I once put me cell phone up me Julie and the aerial fell off and it's still up there.
Does you think it will stop the sperms? I doubt it.
You know, I thought she would enjoy it because it was on vibrate, and I think her clit must have pressed answer because suddenly I heard Ricky C's voice coming from her poony.
How come there is such good reception in a woman's poony? Because there ain't no reception by me nan's fridge.
I couldn't tell you.
For real.
It was, like, well weird having a conversation with him because I could hardly hear what he was saying, but I didn't want to embarrass her.
I'm learning something new all the time.