All In The Family s03e13 Episode Script
Edith's Winning Ticket
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Here you are, Archie.
What is this I'm drinking here? Oh, that's a new brand of coffee I bought.
It's 97 percent caffeine free.
Caffeine free? If it ain't got caffeine in it, it ain't coffee.
How much did you pay for this slop? $1.
49.
You paid $1.
49 for no caffeine? I can pay the same $1.
49 and get caffeine.
But caffeine ain't good for you.
It don't let you sleep.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
I don't want to sleep.
That's why I drink caffeine.
I want to stay up.
But Archie, I saved a lot of money on this coffee.
A dollar off with the coupon.
That's good.
Then you won't lose so much when you throw it out.
Is there any more coffee, Ma? Oh, lots.
Your father don't like it.
No? I think it's good.
Do me a favor, Edith.
No more of these crummy bargains, huh? But what'll I do with all these coupons I got? See? "It's fall again, "and inside is your windfall from Clara Goodbuys.
" I wonder if she got her job because of her name.
Not the "Clara" part, the "Goodbuys" part Like in "good buys.
" Who cares? Good morning.
Oh, morning, Mike.
It's funny the way some people's name just suits the business they're in.
Like God's name is just perfect for God.
Well, you see, Ma, that's because you're brought up hearing that name.
You're used to that word.
Ah, you don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, really? If you were taught that God's name was, uh, let's say, "Chair," you'd be calling him "Chair.
" Get out of here.
You can't get people into a church to worship a chair.
People go to church to worship God.
That's why they call him "God.
" It depends on what word you're brought up on, Daddy.
See, uh, the Chinese people think the perfect name for God is "Buddha.
" You know, she's getting to sound more and more like you every day, Meathead.
Thanks for the compliment, Daddy.
[MOCKING VOICE.]
"Thanks for the compliment, Daddy.
" Let me ask you something, professor, which I'm putting through school.
Can you think of a better name for God than "God"? And don't give me no "Buddha.
" Well, how about "Jehovah" from the Old Testament? No good.
Why not? Because he wasn't no real god.
Them old Bible Hebes just called him Jehovah because that was their word for the boss.
Well, what are you looking at? You know, it's amazing how someone can be so consistently wrong.
I don't believe the things you say.
Because you're an atheist.
You don't believe nothing about religion.
I wonder what they say when they sneeze.
Who's that, Edith? The Chinese.
I mean, do they say, "God bless you" or "Buddha bless you"? If you really want to know, the Chinks just sneeze and say nothing.
They can't speak English.
Oh.
Why couldn't they say, "Buddha bless you" in Chinese? Because they don't say that, that's why.
They say, uh Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara.
" That's Japanese.
Same thing.
It's not the same thing.
What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you're going to tell me which is which? That's right, because I'd find out about them.
I'd talk to them as individuals.
Sure, you'd talk to them.
You'd say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?" I don't believe it! He's making me crazy! Ignore it, Michael, ignore him.
Shouldn't we be getting ready, anyway? I mean, we're going to the museum.
Oh, ho, ho.
Listen to this.
Now, will you tell me something, Edith? Why would any normal person want to go to the museum on his day off? For this, Arch.
Something you know absolutely nothing about.
Culture.
Oh, look at this.
No wonder he's getting himself all excited.
It's one of his own here.
A Polack art exhibit.
That's "Pollock.
" Jackson Pollock.
He happens to be a great American artist.
Well, he sure paints Polish.
Jeez.
Look at this-- splashes and smears of paint over everything here.
What do you mean? A monkey could do that.
A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.
I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.
Why don't you take a short walk on a long pier? You can't even get that right! It's "Why don't you take a long walk on a short pier?" Then do that.
Just forget it.
Come on, Gloria.
let's go.
Okay.
Oh, Gloria! Mike! Would you mind mailing this letter when you go downtown? I've been meaning to mail it for a week.
Sure, Ma.
It's a funny thing about mailing a letter.
When you remember to mail it, you ain't near a mailbox, and when you're near a mailbox, you don't remember.
Yeah.
I never thought of that.
But then, why should I? ARCHIE: Edith.
Edith.
Edith, I am in torture here with these shoes.
Where are youse going? We're going to the museum.
Well, just wait a minute.
Youse got an errand to do for me.
What? Ooh! Edith, these fancy new no-lace shoes here, they're killing me.
You were with me when I buy these.
Why'd you let me buy 'em? Well, they looked fine.
Well, they ain't fine.
Well, they look fine from the outside.
The outside ain't where they're hurting me, Edith! Now, youse two, just wait a second here.
You're gonna to have to take these shoes, you're gonna have to get them stretched for me.
All right.
Let's have them.
But, Archie, what are you going to wear? Your other shoes are being half-soled.
Well, I'll have to wear my good shoes, that's all.
Your Thom McAns? What do you want me to do? Walk around barefoot, like them weirdo friends that your daughter used to have hanging around? My friends are not weirdos, and it doesn't make a person a weirdo just because he walks barefoot.
Ah, God made feet to be wearing shoes.
Going barefoot ain't civilized.
What are you saying? That wearing shoes is the only thing that makes a person civilized? That's right, buddy, shoes and pants.
All them old missionaries, that's what they done the first thing with the natives, put shoes on them and pants on them and turn them into Christians.
I don't think Jesus wore shoes.
Certainly.
He wore shoes all the time, except for that one time he went walking on the water there.
All right, now, on your way to the museum, take these shoes to the store.
All right.
Now, where you running away? You ain't got the sales slip, right? Get them the sales slip, Edith.
Oh, yeah.
I put it in my purse somewhere.
You.
You argue with me about religion.
You don't even know how to take a pair of shoes back.
Yeah, I think it's in here somewhere.
Oh, here we go.
The mystery grab bag here.
Look at all this stuff you got in the bag.
What are you doing? A whole crowd of paper clips here.
Look at this.
A gum wrapper, no gum in it.
Come on, Edith.
Why do you carry this junk with you? Here it is.
I found it.
Hey, Ma, where'd you get these lottery tickets? Oh, I forgot all about them.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You got lottery tickets there? Let me see them there.
Edith, lottery tickets, four tickets, 50 cents each.
That's 2 bucks.
Hey, you did that all without a pencil and paper.
Button your face there.
Daddy, there's no harm in a little bet every now and then.
No, and you win big money prizes.
Remember? Mrs.
Balini did.
No.
What the hell did she ever win? Oh, she won two church raffles.
$10 and a chair cushion.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
The famous chair cushion that nobody could sit on because it had an embroidered picture of the Pope on it.
Is that why? I always thought it was because it was Anthony Quinn.
Use your common sense, will you? It ain't "blastemious" to sit on Anthony Quinn's face.
Still, it ain't nice.
Ma, did you know that these tickets are 10 months old? Yeah, I forgot I had them.
Ma, did you ever check to see if they won anything? No, I just put them in my pocketbook and forgot all about them.
Oh, sure.
Easy come, easy go.
The $2 could have been in the bank earning interest.
Come on, Arch, Didn't you ever bet on anything? Yes.
I bet that my daughter would marry a human being, and I lost.
Come on, Gloria, let's go.
EDITH: Wait a minute.
Would you mind dropping some clothes at the cleaners on your way to the subway? No, Ma, we don't mind.
I'll be right down.
I can't get over it.
Edith buying lottery tickets.
I bet you wouldn't be complaining if Ma had won.
Ah, nobody ever wins on them lotteries.
Hey, it says here that these tickets are valid up to one year after the purchase.
Ah, forget about it.
But how would you know what the winning number was way back then? You call the candy store.
They sell lottery tickets.
They probably have a list of the winning numbers for the past year.
What's the first prize? $50,000.
Wow, think what you could do with all of that! I'm telling you, you're wasting your time.
Edith, where are the Thom McAns? EDITH: What, Archie? I said, Edith, bring down my good shoes! I'm sorry, Archie, I didn't hear you.
I was in the closet getting your good shoes.
What did you say? Nothing, Edith.
Here's the cleaning, Mike.
Please, I can't hear what the man's saying.
Who is she talking to? She's calling about the lottery tickets.
She's wasting her time just like you wasted our money.
EDITH: But, Archie Ma! Ma! You did it! You did it! You did it, Ma! The last four numbers match! What? The last four numbers? That's $500! What? $500! Daddy, the last four numbers match! This ticket's a winner! The last four numbers here? Yeah! He told you on the phone? Yeah! A winner? Yeah! $500? Yeah! $500! Oh, yeah, sure, you change your tune fast.
A second ago, you were against it.
Oh, ho, you don't hear me being against no $500 there, Meathead.
Daddy, a minute ago, you were bawling Ma out.
Well, a minute ago, she was a loser.
Now she's a winner.
Don't argue with me.
Let me figure how I'm going to spend these five bills.
That's Ma's money.
She bought these tickets.
What are you talking about? She wouldn't have found the ticket if it wasn't for my tight shoes.
Right, Edith? Right-- Edith, Edith, what are you doing on the phone? I'm talking.
You want to let the world know you got a winning ticket? Just Louise Jefferson.
The worst person of all! Them people will be beating on the tom-toms! The whole neighborhood will know! Put that phone down.
I'll see you later, Louise.
Put that phone down.
Put that phone down.
Put that phone down! Now, come on, get your hat and coat.
We've got to get down to the lottery office.
What for, Archie? We're going to cash in this ticket.
Oh, no, we got no right to claim that money, Archie.
We can't do that.
Why not? EDITH: We got no right to claim that money.
Don't be bothering me with details, will you? Archie, that ticket don't belong to us.
What was that? That ticket don't belong to us.
What was that? [SHOUTING.]
That tick-- I hear you! Edith, wait a minute.
You paid for the ticket, so the ticket belongs to us.
No, Archie, that ticket ain't ours.
Will you try and make sense? Ma, if it's not yours, whose is it? It's Mr.
Jefferson's.
I just told Louise Jefferson the good news.
She was so happy.
She'll be here any minute.
Edith, Edith.
If this is Jefferson's ticket, how come it turned up in your purse? Because Mr.
Jefferson won't wear his rubbers in the rain.
He's just like you, Archie.
He won't take an umbrella, he won't wear his rubbers-- I'm talking about the tickets, Edith.
Yeah, I'm getting to that.
Remember when we had the big rainstorm-- I'm talking about the tickets here.
And everything got flooded and we got all that water in our basement? I'm talking about the tickets, Edith.
Daddy, don't you know by now you got to let Ma tell her story in her own way? I know, but I ain't got time.
I got to go to work on Monday morning.
Edith, Edith, collect your thoughts, huh? Get over there.
Sit in the chair.
Youse two, get over there on the sofa.
MIKE: Oh, boy, we'll never get to the museum.
Just clam up.
Don't say nothing till I get to the bottom of all of this.
Now, Edith, Edith, I don't want to hear nothing about nothing that don't have nothing to do with this here ticket, and I want to hear it fast.
Well, Louise asked me if I would, and I said I would, and I did, and I forgot 'em.
That's too fast.
Now, I'm going to give you leave to fill it in, Edith, but have mercy on me, please, will you? Go.
Well, Mr.
Jefferson went out without his rubbers, and he came home with the flu, and Louise had to take care of him, and she couldn't get out.
So I was going out to do some shopping, and I asked her if I could get her something, and she said yes-- a dozen eggs, a half a pound of margarine, a two-pound can of coffee Mr.
Jefferson likes it that way.
Am-- Am-- Am I filling in too much for you? Well, here comes the ticket part.
Just as I was going out the door, Louise asked me if I would buy four lottery tickets.
George always buys them.
And I said, yes, I could, so I did, and I put 'em in my purse and I forgot 'em.
Does that answer your question? Right, Edith.
You done fine.
Don't say no more.
What I got to do now is figure a way to straighten this thing out so we don't lose nothing, see.
That's And the first thing that's gotta happen is you two get out to the museum.
What is this going to be, another one of your devious plots? Don't argue with me, Meathead.
Come on, Gloria, get him out of here.
No, Daddy, not right now.
I want to wait till Mrs.
Jefferson gets here so I can see the look on her face when she gets her winning ticket.
That could be two, three hours from now.
Ma said they'd be here any minute.
No, the way them people shuffle along, they'll never make it.
Will you stop with the stereotypes? Black people don't shuffle! They walk like everyone else! Well, then, will you kindly walk like everyone else and walk the hell out that door? Fine, fine.
Come on, Gloria, let's go.
Get moving, and take them shoes back to that store! Okay! And what are you doing? Just shuffling on out, Daddy.
Now, Edith, let me tell you what we're going to do when the Jeffersons get here, see.
You're just going to give them back the money for the ticket.
Oh, no, Archie, you mean, give them the ticket.
They got to go down and claim the $500 themselves.
No! Not the ticket.
Now, listen.
Now, let me explain it to you very, very carefully.
Edith, all you got to do, see, is give Mrs.
Jefferson back the $2 that she give you to buy that ticket.
But she never give me $2, Archie.
I laid it out for her.
Edith, just do what I-- You laid out the money for her there? Yeah.
I'm sure she would have paid me if I had given her the tickets, but she forgot about it just like I did.
So you paid with your own money for that there ticket.
Yeah.
[CACKLES WILDLY.]
What the hell are we worried about? If you paid for the ticket with your own money, then that means it's our ticket no matter who you think you bought it for.
No, Archie, the ticket belongs to Louise.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, that must be Louise now.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Sit down.
Down, down, down.
Stay in that chair.
Don't say nothing, nothing at all.
I'll handle this, see.
Shh! Here we are.
Come on in.
Oh, Edith, isn't it exciting? Yeah.
Hello, Mrs.
Bunker.
Jefferson, Jefferson, I got good news for you.
The $2 that you owe Edith for buying a lottery ticket a long time ago, you're off the hook for it.
You don't have to pay us.
Bunker, you got a real great sense of humor.
Let me say right here and now that I take back most of the things I've been thinking about you.
Now, where are the tickets? Oh, ho, ho, now, wait a minute.
Jefferson, Jefferson, hold it.
You ain't going to get no ticket.
But, Archie-- Shh! Shh! Bunker, what are you trying to pull? I ain't trying to pull nothing.
That winning ticket belongs to us.
Bunker, your wife bought those tickets for my brother.
Now hand them over.
Jefferson, possession is nine tenths of the law, and being as how we laid out the money for the tickets, that adds up to the other nine tenths.
Bunker, you're a thief! What do you mean, a thief? Suppose the shoe was on the other foot.
Suppose you had the tickets and I come to you.
What would you do? I'd give them to you.
Well, I got them already, so, what the hell are you hollering about? Bunker, I want that ticket! Oh, jeez, I want to be vice-president of the world, but we all have our little disappointments, you know? Bunker, you ain't going to get away with this.
You been cheating us for 400 years.
What are you talking about? You only been on the block for two years.
I'm talking about how you white people come to Africa to steal us, and then when you was through stealing us, and we wasn't around to watch you, you stole our whole country! I've never even been to Africa! Neither have I, and that's your fault too.
Louise, I got to apologize for Archie.
Oh, that's all right, Edith.
Henry isn't exactly a diplomat, either.
But Archie thinks that it's his ticket.
Edith, suppose we just shared the money 50-50.
Oh, no.
Yes, yes.
Louise, I bought it for you.
You can pay me the $2, but I bought the ticket for you.
Yeah, but-- If you hadn't asked me, I wouldn't have bought it at all.
Here.
It's your ticket.
No, no, no, no, Jefferson.
There ain't no sense in talking to you anymore.
The best thing you can do is-- What are you doing in my chair? Jefferson, get out of my chair.
I am not budging from this chair until I get that ticket.
I'm going to call the cops on you, Jefferson.
Go ahead.
Call the cops.
Call the cops! What's going on? What is it? This man's in my chair.
I'm going to call the cops to get him out of my chair.
Oh, Archie, no, don't do that.
The man is trespassing all over my house and my chair.
I'm going to call the cops.
Come on, Henry, let's go.
Louise, I said it before.
I'll say it again.
I am not budging from this chair until I get thatticket.
Last warning, Jefferson.
I'm calling the cops.
All right, all right.
I'm going, I'm going.
Goodbye, Edith.
EDITH: Goodbye.
ARCHIE: Calling the cops, Jefferson! Calling the cops, over here.
They gone? Yeah.
Ah! Yeah, I settled that.
See that? See, see? Them people are all the same.
Always putting up the big front, but the minute you holler, "Cop," same old story.
It's "Feet, do your stuff.
" Archie, I got something to tell you.
Save it, Edith.
We've got to get down to the lottery office and cash in that ticket right now.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, look who's back.
Uh, Bunker, uh, me and Louise was talking it over, and we decided, well, maybe we should split the money 50-50.
Listen to this guy! Wants to split the money 50-50.
Are you kidding, Jefferson? The answer to that is no.
I'll spell it for you: N-O, no.
Are you sure? I certainly am.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Bye! Can you figure them people out? You tell them something that's supposed to make them as mad as hell, but they bust out in a smile.
I wish you was able to do that, Archie.
Edith, I can smile anyti-- Why did you say that to me? Because I gave Louise the lottery ticket.
What was that? I gave Louise the lot-- What was that? [SHOUTING.]
I gave I heard you! Archie, Archie.
Look at the present Mrs.
Jefferson gave us-- a $100 gift certificate.
Hey, that's sensational! Ma, that was really nice! Wait a minute.
Don't tell me them people is being fair.
Let's take a look at this here.
There it is, "gift certificate.
" "This entitles bearer to $100 worth of merchandise at--" "Jeanette's Dress and 'Ling-erie' Shop.
" Jeez, that's a hell of a windfall for me, huh, Edith? [.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
What is this I'm drinking here? Oh, that's a new brand of coffee I bought.
It's 97 percent caffeine free.
Caffeine free? If it ain't got caffeine in it, it ain't coffee.
How much did you pay for this slop? $1.
49.
You paid $1.
49 for no caffeine? I can pay the same $1.
49 and get caffeine.
But caffeine ain't good for you.
It don't let you sleep.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
I don't want to sleep.
That's why I drink caffeine.
I want to stay up.
But Archie, I saved a lot of money on this coffee.
A dollar off with the coupon.
That's good.
Then you won't lose so much when you throw it out.
Is there any more coffee, Ma? Oh, lots.
Your father don't like it.
No? I think it's good.
Do me a favor, Edith.
No more of these crummy bargains, huh? But what'll I do with all these coupons I got? See? "It's fall again, "and inside is your windfall from Clara Goodbuys.
" I wonder if she got her job because of her name.
Not the "Clara" part, the "Goodbuys" part Like in "good buys.
" Who cares? Good morning.
Oh, morning, Mike.
It's funny the way some people's name just suits the business they're in.
Like God's name is just perfect for God.
Well, you see, Ma, that's because you're brought up hearing that name.
You're used to that word.
Ah, you don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, really? If you were taught that God's name was, uh, let's say, "Chair," you'd be calling him "Chair.
" Get out of here.
You can't get people into a church to worship a chair.
People go to church to worship God.
That's why they call him "God.
" It depends on what word you're brought up on, Daddy.
See, uh, the Chinese people think the perfect name for God is "Buddha.
" You know, she's getting to sound more and more like you every day, Meathead.
Thanks for the compliment, Daddy.
[MOCKING VOICE.]
"Thanks for the compliment, Daddy.
" Let me ask you something, professor, which I'm putting through school.
Can you think of a better name for God than "God"? And don't give me no "Buddha.
" Well, how about "Jehovah" from the Old Testament? No good.
Why not? Because he wasn't no real god.
Them old Bible Hebes just called him Jehovah because that was their word for the boss.
Well, what are you looking at? You know, it's amazing how someone can be so consistently wrong.
I don't believe the things you say.
Because you're an atheist.
You don't believe nothing about religion.
I wonder what they say when they sneeze.
Who's that, Edith? The Chinese.
I mean, do they say, "God bless you" or "Buddha bless you"? If you really want to know, the Chinks just sneeze and say nothing.
They can't speak English.
Oh.
Why couldn't they say, "Buddha bless you" in Chinese? Because they don't say that, that's why.
They say, uh Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara.
" That's Japanese.
Same thing.
It's not the same thing.
What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you're going to tell me which is which? That's right, because I'd find out about them.
I'd talk to them as individuals.
Sure, you'd talk to them.
You'd say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?" I don't believe it! He's making me crazy! Ignore it, Michael, ignore him.
Shouldn't we be getting ready, anyway? I mean, we're going to the museum.
Oh, ho, ho.
Listen to this.
Now, will you tell me something, Edith? Why would any normal person want to go to the museum on his day off? For this, Arch.
Something you know absolutely nothing about.
Culture.
Oh, look at this.
No wonder he's getting himself all excited.
It's one of his own here.
A Polack art exhibit.
That's "Pollock.
" Jackson Pollock.
He happens to be a great American artist.
Well, he sure paints Polish.
Jeez.
Look at this-- splashes and smears of paint over everything here.
What do you mean? A monkey could do that.
A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.
I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.
Why don't you take a short walk on a long pier? You can't even get that right! It's "Why don't you take a long walk on a short pier?" Then do that.
Just forget it.
Come on, Gloria.
let's go.
Okay.
Oh, Gloria! Mike! Would you mind mailing this letter when you go downtown? I've been meaning to mail it for a week.
Sure, Ma.
It's a funny thing about mailing a letter.
When you remember to mail it, you ain't near a mailbox, and when you're near a mailbox, you don't remember.
Yeah.
I never thought of that.
But then, why should I? ARCHIE: Edith.
Edith.
Edith, I am in torture here with these shoes.
Where are youse going? We're going to the museum.
Well, just wait a minute.
Youse got an errand to do for me.
What? Ooh! Edith, these fancy new no-lace shoes here, they're killing me.
You were with me when I buy these.
Why'd you let me buy 'em? Well, they looked fine.
Well, they ain't fine.
Well, they look fine from the outside.
The outside ain't where they're hurting me, Edith! Now, youse two, just wait a second here.
You're gonna to have to take these shoes, you're gonna have to get them stretched for me.
All right.
Let's have them.
But, Archie, what are you going to wear? Your other shoes are being half-soled.
Well, I'll have to wear my good shoes, that's all.
Your Thom McAns? What do you want me to do? Walk around barefoot, like them weirdo friends that your daughter used to have hanging around? My friends are not weirdos, and it doesn't make a person a weirdo just because he walks barefoot.
Ah, God made feet to be wearing shoes.
Going barefoot ain't civilized.
What are you saying? That wearing shoes is the only thing that makes a person civilized? That's right, buddy, shoes and pants.
All them old missionaries, that's what they done the first thing with the natives, put shoes on them and pants on them and turn them into Christians.
I don't think Jesus wore shoes.
Certainly.
He wore shoes all the time, except for that one time he went walking on the water there.
All right, now, on your way to the museum, take these shoes to the store.
All right.
Now, where you running away? You ain't got the sales slip, right? Get them the sales slip, Edith.
Oh, yeah.
I put it in my purse somewhere.
You.
You argue with me about religion.
You don't even know how to take a pair of shoes back.
Yeah, I think it's in here somewhere.
Oh, here we go.
The mystery grab bag here.
Look at all this stuff you got in the bag.
What are you doing? A whole crowd of paper clips here.
Look at this.
A gum wrapper, no gum in it.
Come on, Edith.
Why do you carry this junk with you? Here it is.
I found it.
Hey, Ma, where'd you get these lottery tickets? Oh, I forgot all about them.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You got lottery tickets there? Let me see them there.
Edith, lottery tickets, four tickets, 50 cents each.
That's 2 bucks.
Hey, you did that all without a pencil and paper.
Button your face there.
Daddy, there's no harm in a little bet every now and then.
No, and you win big money prizes.
Remember? Mrs.
Balini did.
No.
What the hell did she ever win? Oh, she won two church raffles.
$10 and a chair cushion.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
The famous chair cushion that nobody could sit on because it had an embroidered picture of the Pope on it.
Is that why? I always thought it was because it was Anthony Quinn.
Use your common sense, will you? It ain't "blastemious" to sit on Anthony Quinn's face.
Still, it ain't nice.
Ma, did you know that these tickets are 10 months old? Yeah, I forgot I had them.
Ma, did you ever check to see if they won anything? No, I just put them in my pocketbook and forgot all about them.
Oh, sure.
Easy come, easy go.
The $2 could have been in the bank earning interest.
Come on, Arch, Didn't you ever bet on anything? Yes.
I bet that my daughter would marry a human being, and I lost.
Come on, Gloria, let's go.
EDITH: Wait a minute.
Would you mind dropping some clothes at the cleaners on your way to the subway? No, Ma, we don't mind.
I'll be right down.
I can't get over it.
Edith buying lottery tickets.
I bet you wouldn't be complaining if Ma had won.
Ah, nobody ever wins on them lotteries.
Hey, it says here that these tickets are valid up to one year after the purchase.
Ah, forget about it.
But how would you know what the winning number was way back then? You call the candy store.
They sell lottery tickets.
They probably have a list of the winning numbers for the past year.
What's the first prize? $50,000.
Wow, think what you could do with all of that! I'm telling you, you're wasting your time.
Edith, where are the Thom McAns? EDITH: What, Archie? I said, Edith, bring down my good shoes! I'm sorry, Archie, I didn't hear you.
I was in the closet getting your good shoes.
What did you say? Nothing, Edith.
Here's the cleaning, Mike.
Please, I can't hear what the man's saying.
Who is she talking to? She's calling about the lottery tickets.
She's wasting her time just like you wasted our money.
EDITH: But, Archie Ma! Ma! You did it! You did it! You did it, Ma! The last four numbers match! What? The last four numbers? That's $500! What? $500! Daddy, the last four numbers match! This ticket's a winner! The last four numbers here? Yeah! He told you on the phone? Yeah! A winner? Yeah! $500? Yeah! $500! Oh, yeah, sure, you change your tune fast.
A second ago, you were against it.
Oh, ho, you don't hear me being against no $500 there, Meathead.
Daddy, a minute ago, you were bawling Ma out.
Well, a minute ago, she was a loser.
Now she's a winner.
Don't argue with me.
Let me figure how I'm going to spend these five bills.
That's Ma's money.
She bought these tickets.
What are you talking about? She wouldn't have found the ticket if it wasn't for my tight shoes.
Right, Edith? Right-- Edith, Edith, what are you doing on the phone? I'm talking.
You want to let the world know you got a winning ticket? Just Louise Jefferson.
The worst person of all! Them people will be beating on the tom-toms! The whole neighborhood will know! Put that phone down.
I'll see you later, Louise.
Put that phone down.
Put that phone down.
Put that phone down! Now, come on, get your hat and coat.
We've got to get down to the lottery office.
What for, Archie? We're going to cash in this ticket.
Oh, no, we got no right to claim that money, Archie.
We can't do that.
Why not? EDITH: We got no right to claim that money.
Don't be bothering me with details, will you? Archie, that ticket don't belong to us.
What was that? That ticket don't belong to us.
What was that? [SHOUTING.]
That tick-- I hear you! Edith, wait a minute.
You paid for the ticket, so the ticket belongs to us.
No, Archie, that ticket ain't ours.
Will you try and make sense? Ma, if it's not yours, whose is it? It's Mr.
Jefferson's.
I just told Louise Jefferson the good news.
She was so happy.
She'll be here any minute.
Edith, Edith.
If this is Jefferson's ticket, how come it turned up in your purse? Because Mr.
Jefferson won't wear his rubbers in the rain.
He's just like you, Archie.
He won't take an umbrella, he won't wear his rubbers-- I'm talking about the tickets, Edith.
Yeah, I'm getting to that.
Remember when we had the big rainstorm-- I'm talking about the tickets here.
And everything got flooded and we got all that water in our basement? I'm talking about the tickets, Edith.
Daddy, don't you know by now you got to let Ma tell her story in her own way? I know, but I ain't got time.
I got to go to work on Monday morning.
Edith, Edith, collect your thoughts, huh? Get over there.
Sit in the chair.
Youse two, get over there on the sofa.
MIKE: Oh, boy, we'll never get to the museum.
Just clam up.
Don't say nothing till I get to the bottom of all of this.
Now, Edith, Edith, I don't want to hear nothing about nothing that don't have nothing to do with this here ticket, and I want to hear it fast.
Well, Louise asked me if I would, and I said I would, and I did, and I forgot 'em.
That's too fast.
Now, I'm going to give you leave to fill it in, Edith, but have mercy on me, please, will you? Go.
Well, Mr.
Jefferson went out without his rubbers, and he came home with the flu, and Louise had to take care of him, and she couldn't get out.
So I was going out to do some shopping, and I asked her if I could get her something, and she said yes-- a dozen eggs, a half a pound of margarine, a two-pound can of coffee Mr.
Jefferson likes it that way.
Am-- Am-- Am I filling in too much for you? Well, here comes the ticket part.
Just as I was going out the door, Louise asked me if I would buy four lottery tickets.
George always buys them.
And I said, yes, I could, so I did, and I put 'em in my purse and I forgot 'em.
Does that answer your question? Right, Edith.
You done fine.
Don't say no more.
What I got to do now is figure a way to straighten this thing out so we don't lose nothing, see.
That's And the first thing that's gotta happen is you two get out to the museum.
What is this going to be, another one of your devious plots? Don't argue with me, Meathead.
Come on, Gloria, get him out of here.
No, Daddy, not right now.
I want to wait till Mrs.
Jefferson gets here so I can see the look on her face when she gets her winning ticket.
That could be two, three hours from now.
Ma said they'd be here any minute.
No, the way them people shuffle along, they'll never make it.
Will you stop with the stereotypes? Black people don't shuffle! They walk like everyone else! Well, then, will you kindly walk like everyone else and walk the hell out that door? Fine, fine.
Come on, Gloria, let's go.
Get moving, and take them shoes back to that store! Okay! And what are you doing? Just shuffling on out, Daddy.
Now, Edith, let me tell you what we're going to do when the Jeffersons get here, see.
You're just going to give them back the money for the ticket.
Oh, no, Archie, you mean, give them the ticket.
They got to go down and claim the $500 themselves.
No! Not the ticket.
Now, listen.
Now, let me explain it to you very, very carefully.
Edith, all you got to do, see, is give Mrs.
Jefferson back the $2 that she give you to buy that ticket.
But she never give me $2, Archie.
I laid it out for her.
Edith, just do what I-- You laid out the money for her there? Yeah.
I'm sure she would have paid me if I had given her the tickets, but she forgot about it just like I did.
So you paid with your own money for that there ticket.
Yeah.
[CACKLES WILDLY.]
What the hell are we worried about? If you paid for the ticket with your own money, then that means it's our ticket no matter who you think you bought it for.
No, Archie, the ticket belongs to Louise.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, that must be Louise now.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Sit down.
Down, down, down.
Stay in that chair.
Don't say nothing, nothing at all.
I'll handle this, see.
Shh! Here we are.
Come on in.
Oh, Edith, isn't it exciting? Yeah.
Hello, Mrs.
Bunker.
Jefferson, Jefferson, I got good news for you.
The $2 that you owe Edith for buying a lottery ticket a long time ago, you're off the hook for it.
You don't have to pay us.
Bunker, you got a real great sense of humor.
Let me say right here and now that I take back most of the things I've been thinking about you.
Now, where are the tickets? Oh, ho, ho, now, wait a minute.
Jefferson, Jefferson, hold it.
You ain't going to get no ticket.
But, Archie-- Shh! Shh! Bunker, what are you trying to pull? I ain't trying to pull nothing.
That winning ticket belongs to us.
Bunker, your wife bought those tickets for my brother.
Now hand them over.
Jefferson, possession is nine tenths of the law, and being as how we laid out the money for the tickets, that adds up to the other nine tenths.
Bunker, you're a thief! What do you mean, a thief? Suppose the shoe was on the other foot.
Suppose you had the tickets and I come to you.
What would you do? I'd give them to you.
Well, I got them already, so, what the hell are you hollering about? Bunker, I want that ticket! Oh, jeez, I want to be vice-president of the world, but we all have our little disappointments, you know? Bunker, you ain't going to get away with this.
You been cheating us for 400 years.
What are you talking about? You only been on the block for two years.
I'm talking about how you white people come to Africa to steal us, and then when you was through stealing us, and we wasn't around to watch you, you stole our whole country! I've never even been to Africa! Neither have I, and that's your fault too.
Louise, I got to apologize for Archie.
Oh, that's all right, Edith.
Henry isn't exactly a diplomat, either.
But Archie thinks that it's his ticket.
Edith, suppose we just shared the money 50-50.
Oh, no.
Yes, yes.
Louise, I bought it for you.
You can pay me the $2, but I bought the ticket for you.
Yeah, but-- If you hadn't asked me, I wouldn't have bought it at all.
Here.
It's your ticket.
No, no, no, no, Jefferson.
There ain't no sense in talking to you anymore.
The best thing you can do is-- What are you doing in my chair? Jefferson, get out of my chair.
I am not budging from this chair until I get that ticket.
I'm going to call the cops on you, Jefferson.
Go ahead.
Call the cops.
Call the cops! What's going on? What is it? This man's in my chair.
I'm going to call the cops to get him out of my chair.
Oh, Archie, no, don't do that.
The man is trespassing all over my house and my chair.
I'm going to call the cops.
Come on, Henry, let's go.
Louise, I said it before.
I'll say it again.
I am not budging from this chair until I get thatticket.
Last warning, Jefferson.
I'm calling the cops.
All right, all right.
I'm going, I'm going.
Goodbye, Edith.
EDITH: Goodbye.
ARCHIE: Calling the cops, Jefferson! Calling the cops, over here.
They gone? Yeah.
Ah! Yeah, I settled that.
See that? See, see? Them people are all the same.
Always putting up the big front, but the minute you holler, "Cop," same old story.
It's "Feet, do your stuff.
" Archie, I got something to tell you.
Save it, Edith.
We've got to get down to the lottery office and cash in that ticket right now.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, look who's back.
Uh, Bunker, uh, me and Louise was talking it over, and we decided, well, maybe we should split the money 50-50.
Listen to this guy! Wants to split the money 50-50.
Are you kidding, Jefferson? The answer to that is no.
I'll spell it for you: N-O, no.
Are you sure? I certainly am.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Bye! Can you figure them people out? You tell them something that's supposed to make them as mad as hell, but they bust out in a smile.
I wish you was able to do that, Archie.
Edith, I can smile anyti-- Why did you say that to me? Because I gave Louise the lottery ticket.
What was that? I gave Louise the lot-- What was that? [SHOUTING.]
I gave I heard you! Archie, Archie.
Look at the present Mrs.
Jefferson gave us-- a $100 gift certificate.
Hey, that's sensational! Ma, that was really nice! Wait a minute.
Don't tell me them people is being fair.
Let's take a look at this here.
There it is, "gift certificate.
" "This entitles bearer to $100 worth of merchandise at--" "Jeanette's Dress and 'Ling-erie' Shop.
" Jeez, that's a hell of a windfall for me, huh, Edith? [.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.