All In The Family s03e14 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Ma, you still working on that jigsaw puzzle? Yeah.
You've been at it for weeks.
Oh, this is a hard one, Mike.
What made you pick this one? Because of the way it'll look when it's all done.
See? A delicious pizza.
I don't know how you have the patience for this.
To me, one piece of pizza looks like another.
That's what makes it so hard.
The last puzzle I worked on was much easier-- Arthur Godfrey making his horse, Goldie, kneel down.
Why was that easier? Because I could tell which one was Arthur Godfrey and which one was the horse.
What's for dinner? Oh, Mike, nothing special.
You see, Archie called and said something important came up and he wouldn't be eating dinner tonight.
Yeah? What's going on? I don't know, but it must be something, because the only other time I remember Archie missing his dinner was once when he slept through it.
Why didn't you wake him up? Oh, I couldn't.
We was on our honeymoon.
I didn't know him well enough.
Whoop-dee-doo and how do you do! EDITH: Oh! Ah-hah! Hello, Archie.
Oh, what a day.
What a day! What a day! How's life? It's just A bowl of cherries Don't take it serious It's so mysterious Archie, are you all right? No, Edith.
I'm singing because I just got hit by a Mack truck.
Certainly I'm all right.
I'm very happy.
This is one of the greatest days of my life.
That's wonderful.
What is it? Oh, boy, sensational news.
Are youse ready? Yeah, I can hardly wait.
Remember Hank Phillips from the gas station? Yeah.
He's dead.
Oh, my A guy dies, and you're happy? Will you wait a minute? I didn't say that.
I'm only happy because the guy can't bowl no more, that's all.
See, I'm waiting six years to get a spot on this special bowling team, and now there's a spot opened up.
I'm sorry the guy is dead, but that's life.
Archie, will you listen to yourself? You're saying that getting on a bowling team is more important than a man's life! I am going to ignore you on the grounds that, one, I didn't say that, and two, I wasn't talking to you when I said that.
Edith, you know what I got here for you? No.
New laces for my bowling shoes.
Oh.
Now, I want you to take these and put 'em in the bowling shoes, see? And make sure that the ends come out even because I want to tie a perfect bow.
Everything tonight counts.
Archie, I ain't never seen you so excited about going bowling.
Edith, it ain't just going bowling.
I got to try out against two other guys for this spot, see, on the Cannonballers.
The greatest team in the league.
Now, go on.
Get my shoes, right away.
Will you get out of my way? The Cannonballers? That's right, buddy, the Cannonballers, and when you say that name, say it with a little respect, because them guys is the cream of the crop.
They're the top bananas the pick of the litter.
Whoopee.
Get away from me! Archie, how do you want me to lace these? Through the holes, Edith, through the holes.
No.
I mean, do you want me to lace them over or under? What's the difference? Well, you see, if you lace them over, they show more and-- Edith.
I didn't say, "What's the difference? Explain it to me.
" I said, "What's the difference? Who the hell cares?" Oh, I'm sorry, Archie, I misunderstood you.
You see, when you said-- Will you stifle yourself and lace these shoes? Yeah.
We ain't got much time.
Moose Hansen, the captain of the Cannonballers, is coming over any minute to pick me up and take me to the alleys.
Moose Hansen? That's right, Moose Hansen.
The most respected guy in the whole bowling league.
What makes him so respected? What makes him so respected? The kind of a guy he is.
I'll give you a for instance.
One night, Moose, heh, heh, is standing out in front of the bowling alley on the street there.
He's having an argument with some jerk, and this jerk comes up with his final point, see? And he thinks he's really put the Moose away.
You know what the Moose done? What? He went and pulled the door off the guy's car.
An intelligent man.
Damn right.
I'll tell you about another time.
Moose is at the bowling alley.
He wanted to telephone his wife, you know? He gets to the phone booth, there's some weirdo-creepo in there and he won't get out, so Moose taps on the door.
The weirdo pays, like, no attention.
You know what Moose done? He tore the door off the phone booth.
Did I tell you this story before? No, but what else would a bright, rational, tactful man like the Moose do? What do you mean by that? I mean, your friend is a bonehead.
Cut that out, you! And I don't want to hear any talk like that when Moose Hansen gets here, because getting on the Cannonballers means a lot to me.
Hurry up with the shoes, huh, Edith? What are you going to say to Barney Hefner? About what? Well, you always go bowling with him on Tuesday nights.
Oh, well, this Tuesday night is something special.
I got to keep my mind on my game now, because I gotta bowl against two other guys, and I got to beat them.
And then they'll put you on the team? That's right.
Wellyeah.
But bowling ain't the only thing to get on the Cannonballers.
You've got to be, uh Well, you know what I mean-- a special kind of guy.
Wait a second.
Special kind of guy? What are you saying? I'm saying that the Cannonballers is all cut from the same hunk of cloth.
They're all the same.
They don't want no different guys mixing in.
Know what I mean? Yeah.
I know what you mean.
The Cannonballers are restricted.
I never said that.
All I'm saying is they're, uh, what do you callcareful.
Arch, it's discrimination, keeping a guy out because of what he is.
They don't keep nobody out because of what he is! They keep a guy out maybe because of what he ain't.
Like for instance, if he ain't a good bowler, he ain't getting in and if he ain't white and Protestant What could be fairer than that? Letting anybody in, no matter what color he is, no matter what religion he is! That's what this country's supposed to be about! Get outta here! That's only for the civil service.
Your regular people, they all want to be with their own kind.
That's a well-known fact.
Look it up if you don't believe me.
I'll give you an example.
Take your coloreds up in Harlem.
Are you saying black people live in Harlem because they want to? Certainly.
It's a free country, ain't it? They're all up there together.
They all understand their own kind of lingo there.
And it's easier for them too.
I'll tell you how.
Suppose a relative comes up from the South, wants to see his family.
He don't have to go searching all over town.
All he's got to do is go up, stand on the corner of 125th Street and Lenox Avenue, and the family turns up.
You know, Arch, it's a good thing you never listen to what you say.
Because if your brain ever heard what your mouth was saying, you'd cut your throat.
Get away from me! Hi, everybody.
EDITH: Hi, Gloria.
Oh, hi, honey.
I'm sorry I'm late, Michael, but I stopped on the way home to buy you a present.
Hey, what's the occasion? The occasion is I love you.
Oh, Archie, ain't that sweet? No.
It makes me sick.
When are they going to start behaving like married people? Open your present, Michael.
Okay.
A present She never buys me no presents.
Hey, Gloria, this is great.
Hey, it's just what I need to keep all my stuff in.
Oh, Archie, ain't that beautiful? Holy cow, a purse! Oh, that's just gorgeous there.
Did you buy him matching pantyhose? You're really sick.
Archie, this is a bag to carry things in.
What's wrong with that? If you don't know, buddy, I'll spell it out for you.
F-A-G.
Fruit.
There you go again.
Just because something looks a little bit different to you, you have to put a label on it, right? [LISPING.]
Well, if the purse fits, wear it.
Daddy! Don't you see how practical this bag is for men? It'd be great even for you.
I mean, instead of stuffing your pockets out of shape with your keys and your wallet and your cigars, you could put everything in just one bag.
No man wears a purse.
Case closed.
In olden days, lots of men wore purses.
Ah, like who? Well, like Robin Hood.
Robin Hood was an English fag.
That's why the sheriff run him into the woods.
Aw, please.
Can't we just have a nice, quiet dinner for once, no arguing? No, I ain't got time for dinner.
I got to get going, but, uh youse two girls sit down with Edith.
Will you stop with that? You're going bowling without eating? That's right, little girl, because tonight I'm trying out for the Cannonballers, the greatest bowling team in the league, and I got to be in tip-toe form.
Now, listen, Moose Hansen is coming here, and I want all of youse to be walking around on your best foot, know what I mean? Because a man is known by the family he keeps.
You ever hear that? Edith, Edith, please, when Moose is here, none of your dingbat remarks, huh? If you feel like saying anything at all don't.
Gloria, and when he's here, you try behaving like the little lady you was before you married this guy.
And you, all you got to do is just say hello and excuse yourself to the toilet.
Arch, I'm gonna do you a big favor.
I'm gonna leave the house altogether, all right? Ma, Gloria, we're going out for dinner.
You just wait here.
I want to change my shirt.
GLORIA: Oh, boy! Oh, ain't that nice? Mike's taking us out.
You want to eat, you better bring your own dough.
[DOORBELL BUZZING.]
I'll get that.
I'll get that.
Hi, Arch.
Moose Hansen! Come on in, Moose.
How are you? I want you to meet the family.
Edith, this is Moose Hansen.
Moose, this is the little lady Edith, over here.
Say hello.
How do you do? Fine.
Archie's told us a lot about you Put a lid on it, a lid on it, a lid on it.
And this is my lovely daughter, Gloria, over here.
Say hello to the Moose.
Hi.
How do you do? You all set, Arch? Oh, am I all set! Yeah.
Just let me get my hat and coat here, Moose.
I got all the equipment ready, the ball is all polished up there in the bag, new laces in the shoes and everything.
And I want to tell you something, this means a lot to me.
I mean, not only bowling with the Cannonballers, but I'm looking forward, you know, to them monthly smokers Hey, Arch, come here.
Hey, Moose! That's my elbow there.
That ain't a car door.
That's flesh and bone.
Hey, those monthly smokers.
You know, that's a Cannonballer secret.
Who told you about that? Hank Phillips.
You know he could get kicked out for that if he wasn't dead? Hey, this shirt goes great with my new bag, huh? Ah Who's this, Arch, your other daughter? Moose, I'm sorry.
That's my daughter's husband over there.
Please, don't look at him, huh? Come on, we'd better go.
We gotta be there in time.
I don't want to be late for the match, Moose.
Yeahyeah.
Thanks for helping me out there, Michelle.
Just get in.
Come on.
Just get in, all right? [WHISTLING OUTSIDE.]
Hey, why don't you idiots grow up, huh? What's so funny? You are, getting so angry at some boys whistling.
Well, I don't like it.
I don't mind, Michael.
I take it as a compliment.
Gloria, they weren't whistling at you.
They were whistling at me.
Hey, why don't you idiots grow up? Hey, Michael.
Why don't you help Ma and me with the puzzle? All right.
I just want to make a phone call.
EDITH: Archie! How did everything go? Edith, Edith, uh I don'tI don't want to talk about it.
Oh, Archie, I'm sorry.
You didn't make the team.
Edith, I didn't say that.
What, are you trying to jinx me or something? I just said I didn't want to talk about it.
Hey, hey, you.
Hey, hey, what are you doing here? Put down the phone.
Put down the phone.
Put down the phone! Put down that phone! I got a crazy man here.
I'll call you back.
Put down that phone! Put down that phone! It's down! Leave it down.
I got a call coming in.
Well, I had a call going out.
I don't want to argue with you.
You might have cost me membership in the Cannonballers, wearing that purse of yours tonight.
Daddy, what happened? Why are you in such a bad mood? Listen, little girl.
I don't want to argue with you neither.
I don't want to argue with nobody.
Can't youse all tell when a guy is what do you call tensed up? Now, just leave me alone, all of youse.
Get over here and do the jigsaw puzzle or something.
Edith.
What are you doing over there? Don't you want to hear what happened? You said you wanted us to leave you alone.
Get over here.
Sit down.
Let me tell you what happened, see? There's three of us bowling for the same spot, see? All right.
Doug Simmons, he goes first.
Now, this is a guy, Edith, who never in his life, the bum, ever bowled over 155.
Now, tonight, he goes crazy.
He bowls 167.
I'm watching him, and I'm sweating bullets, I'm so nervous.
Now, this is where Moose Hansen does an awful nice thing.
He comes over, puts his arm around my shoulder.
He says, "Hey, Arch, don't get your bowels in an uproar.
" Now, you know, a thing like that is bound to give a guy courage, you know? So I'm next, right? I jump up on the line.
I grab my ball.
I start in bowling.
Wham-bam, I bowl 172-- not my best, but very good, right? Now, Charlie Green, the last guy, comes up.
I don't think much of him, but you know what he does? First two framesone, two, two strikes in a row.
I can't look no more.
I says to Doug Simmons, "Doug, you watch the game, "and then tell me how it comes out, because I can't stay here.
" And I run like hell out of the alleys.
And now you're waiting for Doug to call you? Yeah, oh, Edith, Edith, jeez.
I want to get on the Cannonballers team so bad, I can taste it.
Oh, I know, Archie.
Oh, I forgot to tell you too about the bowling shirts the Cannonballers have-- a gorgeous yellow silk, Edith, with red piping on the sleeves and up here at the neck.
And you look good in yellow.
Yeah, I look good in yellow.
And on the back, they got a picture of a cannon firing a bowling ball against pins, you know? Well, when you got something like that on your back, you really know you're somebody.
Yeah.
And in a shirt like that, I could always find you in a crowd.
Yeah.
They weren't forgetting the front neither, because on the front of everybody's shirt, see, right here on the pocket they got the guy's nickname.
Oh, boy, them Cannonballers got some great nicknames, like for the tall guy, you know, they got "Shorty.
" And for the big, fat guy, they got "Skinny" there.
I ain't maked up my mind what my nickname's gonna be yet.
I know a good one.
Yeah? "Handsome.
" Well, that wouldn't work out, Edith, you see, because the name's got to be the opposite than what the guy is.
Why don't you just use your initials? A.
B.
What kind of nickname is that? Then they can all call you "Abie".
You gotta admit, you'd be the only Abie on that team.
Funny.
See how I'm laughing.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Now, that's the phone.
I'll get it.
I'll get the phone.
Get away from the phone! Hello? Oh, hiya, Doug.
Yeah.
Yeah, Doug, hold it.
Just make it short and sweet.
I want to know about Charlie Green.
What did he bowl? What? Say that again.
Oh, boy, thanks for telling me! Baby, I could kiss you! He could kiss a guy, but he won't carry a purse.
Oh, Doug, is that great news! Doug, Doug, let me hang up.
I'll talk to you later.
Thanks a million for calling me.
Yahoo! I'm in! Oh, Archie! I made the Cannonballers! Congratulations.
You beat Charlie Green.
Charlie Green only bowled 172.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Didn't you tell me that you bowled 172? That's right.
Well, then you and Charlie Green tied.
That's right.
Well, how do you know they didn't pick Charlie Green? Because, as I told you before, which you forgot, it ain't only the bowling.
It's the guy, see? Like where he's from, who he is, what he is Is it possible that Charlie Green is Jewish? Even better for me, he's a spade.
Oh, that's beautiful, beautiful.
When are you going to stop with that rotten language, huh? Yeah, and you're happy about belonging to a team that won't let a man in just because he's black? Listen, little girl, I didn't make up the rules.
I just go by them, that's all.
[DOORBELL BUZZES.]
Now, listen I'll get the bell.
Go back and do your jigsaw puzzle, huh? Don't be standing there, Edith.
Sit down, will you? Oh, hiya, Barney.
Come on in.
Hi, Arch, how are you? Hi, Edith.
Hello, Barney.
Hey, hey, Arch.
Come on, it's 8:30.
We can't keep them alleys waiting.
Let's go bowling, pal.
Ah, well, Barney, see, I already been bowling.
What do you mean you already been? Barney Yeah? I made the Cannonballers tonight.
Hey, hey, hey, put her there, pal! The Cannonballers.
Whoo-hoo! Hey, well, you guys bowl Tuesday night, huh? Well, we'll just have to pick another night to go bowling.
Yeah, well, Barney, being a Cannonballer, I don't think I can bowl with you no more.
Well, why not? Well, you know how it is in big-time sports.
Once you make the major leagues, you don't want to play with the bush leaguers no more.
This is the old brush-a-roo, Arch? No.
No, it ain't that.
But you'd do the same thing if you was a Cannonballer.
I mean, it's the chance of a lifetime.
Oh, yeah, well, if it's the chance of a lifetime, I guess I'd have to.
I mean, for the sake of my wife and kids and my future in the whole world.
Ah, come on, Barney, will you? You see my point.
No, I don't see it, Arch, but I feel it.
It's sticking right back here.
You crumb.
Come on, there, Barney.
And I'll tell you something else, Archie.
I ain't being friends with you no more.
You're jealous, Barney.
You're jealous.
You're a jerk, Arch.
He's jealous.
Did you see that jealous guy there? He ain't going to be friends with me no more.
What do I care? I got plenty of friends.
And I got new friends too.
Friends who are gonna do some good for me.
Yeah, like rip the door off your car.
Shut up, you.
They'll do things for you too, Edith.
Hey, hey, did I tell you about the annual banquet of the Cannonballers? No.
Oh, Edith, wait till I tell you about this.
The annual banquet, which means once a year, see.
Oh You know what they do? They hire the American Legion Hall out in Mineola, which is beautiful out there, you know? Oh, yeah.
And then they come around right to your door, pick you up in a big special bus to take you out there, first-class all the way.
And then in the bus, they got a keg of beer, see.
And then to work up your thirst, they pass out them big salty pretzels, see.
And if that wasn't enough, when they get you out there, they turn on a big feast like you never seen before-- all the cold cuts and potato salad you can shove into yourself.
And when it's all over, I go up and get my trophy.
How do you know you're gonna win one? Everybody wins one, Edith, gee.
I mean, there's a trophy for high series.
There's one for best single game.
There's one for most improved bowler, for bowler most likely to improve, for bowler with the best personality.
Bowler with the most prejudice.
Listen, you, I only got one thing to say to you, and it's this: Why don't you go take a running jump into the middle of Lake Polack? Hey, hey, just watch it, huh? [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
MICHAEL: Just stop with that.
I'll get it.
I'll get it, Edith.
I'll get the door.
You just get me something to eat.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
Right away, Archie.
Hey, look who's here, Moose Hansen.
Arch.
Come on in here, Moose.
Hey, and I bet I know what you come back to tell me, huh? Arch, I got bad news for you.
You didn't make the team.
Huh? We had to take Charlie Green.
But why? Pressure, Arch, pressure.
The league committee, the coloreds on the other teams-- we had to do it, Arch.
I bowled as high as Charlie Green.
That's the problem.
If you'd have beat him, we could have taken you, but you didn't, so we had to take Charlie.
You took Charlie Green? He bowled as good as you, Arch.
And I'll say this for Charlie, he sure looks good in yellow.
Wait a minute, I look good in yellow.
I don't like this any more than you do, but you can't fight it.
The world's changing.
And every time it changes, it gives me another kick in the butt.
I'm sorry, Arch, but I'll tell you what.
If anyone else dies, we'll call you first.
Archie, here's a sandwich.
Aw, take it away again, Edith.
I ain't hungry no more.
But you said you was hungry as a horse.
That's when the horse was a different color, Ma.
What happened? Charlie Green is the new Cannonballer.
Oh, Archie, you didn't make the team.
No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, maybe you'll get another chance.
Yeah, yeah, I will.
Moose Hansen just told me I'm next on the death list.
It's 8:00, Archie.
I thought you and Barney Hefner was going bowling.
I thought so too, Edith, but the bum calls me up at the last minute, tells me he's going to the fights with McNab.
Oh.
Would you like me to go bowling with you? Stick to what you know, huh? What's that? You don't know neither, huh? [.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.