All In The Family s04e07 Episode Script
Archie and the Computer
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Hi, Gloria.
Mmm, something smells good.
What's that? Sliced tongue.
I was gonna put it in Archie's lunchbox this morning, but he said he wouldn't eat nothing that come out of a cow's mouth.
Oh.
What did he want instead? A couple of hard-boiled eggs.
Gloria, would you get me a plastic bag? Ma, they're right in front of you.
Oh.
Is something bothering you? No, nothing, Gloria.
Are you sure, Ma? You've been acting kinda funny for the past few days.
Something on your mind? No, nothing.
What on earth would be on my mind? Well, I don't know, Ma, but I think you wanna put the tongue in the refrigerator.
Oh.
Thank you, Gloria.
I better check the table.
I'll help you.
[SNEEZES.]
Gesundheit.
Oh, thanks, Mike.
What day is it? It's Wednesday.
We're gonna get a letter.
What? If you sneeze on Monday, you sneeze for danger, sneeze on Tuesday, kiss a stranger, sneeze on Wednesday, sneeze for a letter.
I never heard that before.
What's the rest of it? Sneeze on Wednesday, sneeze for a letter, sneeze on Thursday, something better, sneeze on Friday, sneeze for sorrow, sneeze on Saturday, see your sweetheart tomorrow.
What about Sunday? There ain't no sneeze for Sunday.
Sunday was a day of vowel rest.
Ha, ha, ha.
Sorry.
Gloria, will you help me clear the table? Ma, I'm helping you set the table! That's right.
Ma! Ma, are you keeping something secret from us? Me, keep secrets from you? [LAUGHS.]
We better find out what's going on.
Yeah.
Ma! Are you in some kind of trouble? No, and I can't tell you what it is.
Ma! The letter? Is that what you're worried about, a letter? Well, since you guessed part of it, I'll tell you the rest.
Here.
Look.
GLORIA: Wow! Look at all those quarters.
You must've been saving them for months.
That's a lot of money.
Forty-seven dollars and 75 cents.
And it ain't mine.
Where did you get it? Here, read this.
"Keep in tune with Sweetheart Prunes.
" I sent a coupon to the prune company from the box top, and they're supposed to send me a free quarter, and they did.
And the next day, they sent me another quarter, and then the next day it started coming in bunches.
And it's still coming.
You know what that is? It's a computer foul-up.
Yeah, Ma, it's the company's fault, not yours.
Well, I know, Gloria, but it ain't right to keep them.
They ain't mine.
It's like stealing.
Ma, Ma, take it easy.
Why don't you just send the quarters back? I tried that, Mike, and every quarter I sent back, they sent me two more.
They probably just read the computer wrong.
Well, they never stop.
Maybe they fed it some Sweetheart Prunes.
Well, I'm gonna tell Archie about it tonight.
No, Ma, whatever you do, don't tell Archie! But I have to.
Ma, if you tell Archie, he's gonna want to spend it.
And he's got no right to spend it.
Well, he did eat most of the prunes.
Ma, I know how hard it is for you not to blab, but please don't tell Daddy.
EDITH: Well, hello, Archie.
I'm so glad to see you.
And I've got nothing to tell you.
What's with her? Every day this week she's been nuttier than the day before.
Is something bothering her? I haven't noticed anything.
Well, you wouldn't notice nothing unless it was covered with food.
Gloria, what's the matter with your mother? Every morning she's burning my toast.
You know what happened last night? I found her laying over on my side of the bed.
She's never done that before.
I couldn't believe it.
I jumped in, I thought I landed on a beach ball.
Edith, get in here! Dinner in a few minutes.
Wait-- Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Edith.
Edith, I wanna talk to you now.
Where are you going? Edith! Come back here.
Edith.
Come here, come here, come here, come here.
Stay! Stay! Now, what is all this about? You mean the quarters from the prune company? Ma! Huh?! Ma, I think you should go get dinner.
Yeah.
Hey, Edith-- Edith.
Will you stop right-- Get over here and stand still.
Did I just hear you say something about prunes and quarters? Yeah, Archie, I'll tell you all about it.
But, Ma-- Ma.
Here is the whole story right in this box.
Jeez, look at all the quarters here.
Edith! Oh, my God.
How much money is that? Forty-seven dollars and 75 cents.
All I done was send in a coupon to the prune company.
You sent a coupon to a prune company? Yeah.
And they were supposed to send me one quarter.
And they did.
But then they started coming every day.
Sometimes four and five, and I can't stop it.
Why would you wanna stop it? [MUTTERS.]
Oh, Edith, I think you found the goose that laid the golden prune.
Oh, Edith, I'll tell you what we'll do.
After supper we'll decide how we'll spend it, eh? Archie, we can't spend this money.
It ain't ours.
It didn't come to me honest.
Edith, don't tell me that.
I don't wanna hear nothing about how you got it.
I don't wanna hear nothing I gotta deny later.
You know, you sound just like Haldeman and Ehrlichman.
And you sound like that Heeb congressman Sam Erving.
Come on.
Don't pay no attention to them.
What are you gonna do? The first thing I want you to know is I ain't mad at you.
Will youse two get away from here? Come over here.
Now, all I wanna know is this.
You say the quarters are still coming in? Oh, yeah, they're up to $8 a week now.
Eight dollars a week? Edith, let me see, that is $400 a year.
That's-- In 10 years, that's over $4000.
That ain't counting interest.
No, no, no, no, forget about the interest.
We can't get that because that would come from a savings bank, see, and there would be records, we'd get mixed up with the Infernal Revenue there.
Archie-- Edith, Edith, Edith.
I know-- I know what we gotta do.
We gotta do the right thing with this money.
Good, Archie.
We gotta spend it.
Oh, no, Archie.
We can't spend it.
That money ain't ours.
Edith, Edith, don't say that.
Don't even think that.
Now just turn right around, go back in the kitchen, and get dinner on the table, huh? Daddy, you got to send that money back to the prune company! Shut up, you.
Go and help your mother get dinner on the table.
But, Daddy! Gloria, we'll get dinner on now.
You're cheating that company, Arch.
You're cheating that company! Oh, come on.
Don't you think big companies are always cheating little people like us? What about that big company last year offering a free trip to Hawaii and two free cars and never delivered on nothing? You remember that.
Yeah, I remember that.
I told you about it.
Well? You said, "So what? That's the American way.
" Well, it is the American way.
And this is the other American way: getting even on that American way.
All right.
Go ahead, go ahead, cheat the companies, let the companies cheat you.
Meanwhile, there's no more human contact left.
The whole country's being ruled by machines.
Ah, get out of here, will you? You're always singing the blues about the country.
Let me tell you something.
This country ain't ruled by machines, this country is ruled by our president.
There you go, Arch, proving my point again.
Ah, there he goes, taking another rap at poor Richard E.
Nixon.
Listen, buddy, that ain't rapping Mr.
Nixon, calling him a machine.
That's a compliment.
You know why? Because machines are great.
And American machines are the greatest.
American machines are what keeps this country number one and ahead of the rest of the world.
What, do you wanna be like the Chinks, counting up things on beads? Don't you see what computers are doing? They're making everything depersonalized.
I mean, if something goes wrong, you got a complaint, wouldn't you rather talk to a human being face to face? Sure I would, but all I got is you.
Dinner.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Well, I was trying to make a point, but I guess the one on your head beat me to it.
Will you get away from me? Arch, don't you see? If things keep going the way they are, pretty soon computers will be doing all our thinking for us.
If computers can do it better than us, then what's the difference? None to you, Arch, because you haven't been thinking for years.
Listen, buddy, I work for a living, I don't have to think.
That makes sense.
Ah! Archie, here's a letter from the Veterans' Administration, special delivery.
Well, give me it.
No.
It's addressed to me.
Why would the VA be writing to you? You ain't a veteran.
I got a death benefit coming.
You got a what? A death benefit.
A death--? Edith, that means you're collecting on some kind of insurance.
Edith, this is a red-letter day for us.
Look at this.
Forty-seven dollars worth of quarters and now somebody died.
Who died? You did.
Yes, operator, I'm still holding.
Here's your toast, Gloria.
Thanks, Ma.
You're looking kind of tired, you know.
Didn't you sleep well last night? Not too good.
I had an awful nightmare about Archie really being dead, and he got mad at me.
In the dream? No, when I woke him up to make sure he was alive.
Hey, Ma, I got through to the prune company in Buffalo.
Hello? Is this Mr.
Henderson? Yeah.
Uh, good.
I'm calling you for my mother-in-law, Mrs.
Archie Bunker.
She sent you a letter about a week ago.
Right.
Right, about the $47.
75.
Well, she's sending you a money order by mail.
And-- Hello? Hello? H-- Operator? Who-- Who's this? A-- What?! Stolen chickens are loose on Interstate 27? Who is this? Who am I talking to? The Lubbock, Texas, Police Department? I don't want to talk to you.
I was talking to the prune company in Buffalo.
No, I'm not kidding.
Officer, will you get off the line, please? We got the lines-- Hello? Who is this? Oh, Mr.
Henderson.
Hi.
How are you? Yeah, we got-- No, forget the chickens! That wasn't me.
That was some cop in Texas.
Yeah.
I was calling you about the lady with the quarters.
Right.
Now, please, don't send her any more quarters, all right? Good.
Okay, thank you very much.
Bye.
Thank you, Michael.
It's insanity.
The whole country's got their lines crossed.
ARCHIE: Edith, can't you keep nothing running in this house? The bulb in the bathroom is going dim up there.
I'm shaving and I don't even know which part of me I'm slicing off.
It's not the bulb, Daddy, there's been another brownout.
Oh, gee, I wish I could get my hands on the guy in this city that cuts the juice at the wrong time.
It's no guy, Arch, it's another computer.
They got machines to figure everything out, just like they figured out you were dead.
Lay off that, will you? Why are you wearing a tie today? Is something special going on at work? Yeah, something very special, Edith.
I ain't going to work.
I'm calling in sick.
Archie, you ain't starting to feel sick? Oh, stop it, I'm fine.
Hey, it's like the Twilight Zone.
Maybe that letter got here a little early.
Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Will you tell your husband to shut up? I'm fine.
I don't know, Daddy.
You came home yesterday saying you were half-dead.
[IN UNISON.]
Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Why don't the two of youse doo-doo doo-doo out the door? I haven't had a sweet roll yet.
Have your sweet roll on the subway.
Daddy! Gloria, forget it.
Come on.
Go to work! Go to school! I'm going.
Where are you going all dressed up? I'm going down to the Veterans' Administration and you're going with me.
I gotta get my death wiped out.
That's a lot easier said than done, Arch.
Once those computers make a mistake, it's a fact.
I think you're dead.
I thought you was doo-doo-dooing to the subway.
You know something? If I wasn't an atheist, I'd say that big computer in the sky is doing everything this week just to prove my point.
What point? That machines are ruining this country.
Look, you're dead, the subways keep breaking down, there's a brownout every other day, Ma's prunes keep sending her quarters.
Before I'm trying to get Buffalo on the phone, I get Lubbock, Texas.
I think you're dead.
What are you trying to get Buffalo on the phone for? I think you're dead too.
ARCHIE: What are you--? You're dead.
You're dead.
What are you trying to get Buffalo on the phone for? Why is he trying to get Buffalo on my phone? Archie, I asked him to call the prune company in Buffalo so they'd stop sending me quarters.
Say that again.
I asked Mike to call the prune company in Buffalo so they wouldn't send me-- Send you quarters.
I heard you! Why did you do that, Edith? All that money coming in.
Ah, well, you couldn't help yourself.
You don't know no better.
At least we got the $47 worth of quarters we can spend, huh? No, Archie, we ain't got that neither.
I sent them that in a money order yesterday.
You done that too, have you? [GROANS.]
What's the matter, Archie? You should've kept the quarters and sent back the prunes.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Mr.
Whitehead.
What are you doing here? When loved ones go to eternal rest, Whitehead Funerals are the best.
Oh, that's what everybody says.
Well, this is quite a surprise.
We don't see you too often.
True, dear lady, true.
Still, time has a way of bringing us all together in the end.
Oh, yeah.
Well, come in.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I want you to know, Mrs.
B.
, as soon as I got the news about good old Arch, I came right over.
You heard about the prunes? Is that what did it? Well, that's the way it all started.
Sit down.
Mr.
Whitehead, how did you hear about that? Yeah, well, in our business we got to keep an ear close to the ground, you know? You know, undertaking is a very competitive game.
If you knew what I had to pay out for those computer lessons-- Really? But when it comes to a guy like good old Arch, who's gonna count the cost? Nothing but the best for the widow Bunker.
Mr.
Whitehead, Archie ain't dead.
And he'll never be dead to me or you or the boys at the lodge.
And that's why I have to recommend nothing less than a model 33B casket.
We call it "Peace With Honor.
" See, it's a very nice model.
It's a lead bottom, red satin lining, with kind of like a starlight effect under the lid.
Mr.
Whitehead, Archie is still with us.
His spirit will be with us always.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
More than his spirit.
Look, Mrs.
B.
, I know this ain't easy for you, but to kind of ease the pain of having you come down to the showroom to look over the unit, I brought my sample book with me.
Now, this here is a picture of our model "Peace With Honor.
" Now, ain't that something, huh? No, I think I like the chocolate box number over here.
What are you doing here? I'm just trying to make a buck.
Your name turned up on my list.
Yeah, that's just like you, Whitehead, trying to get me into the ground while I'm still twitching.
Come on, Edith! Archie, look, it ain't my fault.
Oh, whoa, whoa, it ain't your fault.
Here, get your coat and let's go before this guy embalms me.
Archie, can I give you a lift? Get away from me! Sorry to keep you folks waiting, but I finally found your file.
Don't worry, Mrs.
Bunker, we here at the Veterans' Administration understand these problems very well.
Now, the first thing I need to know is where is your husband buried? Her husband ain't buried.
Well, we'll certainly take care of that.
Where's the body? Hey, Mac, I'm the body.
I'm her husband.
Oh, no.
What do you mean, no? Am I your husband? Oh, yeah.
I'm her husband.
I'm her husband.
I'm alive, believe me.
Mr.
Bunker, I believe you're alive.
You believe it, your wife believes it, but now we've got to get the computer to believe it too.
Oh, uh, Dundee here.
Can you get me a quick check on 2-357-58? Thank you.
Oh.
You don't know what we're up against.
We have to wipe out this tape and reprogram it.
You've given us a lot of overtime here.
Well, don't blame me, Mac.
I mean, I didn't commit suicide.
Your computer bumped me off.
Well, let me show you just how complicated this is.
This is your card from our deceased file.
Oh, I hate that.
And each of these little holes has a meaning all its own.
This is your life, Archie Bunker.
A bunch of holes? That's what it comes down to.
And you see that little hole here? Yeah? That's the one that means you're dead.
Fill that in, will you? [RINGS.]
Hello.
Uh, Dundee.
Yes? What? Dash 5-7 instead of dash 5-8? Well, thank you.
One number out of place.
Mr.
Bunker, you're the victim of a slipped digit.
You're not dead at all.
Well, there.
I'm off the death list anyway.
No, not yet.
Not until you receive official confirmation in the mail.
Ohh.
Well, ain't this nice? It means nobody died.
Well, a man named Archie Binker died.
Oh, that's too bad.
What do you mean, too bad? You want me to be dead? No, Archie, I don't want nobody to be dead.
Edith, somebody's gotta be dead.
That's life.
What do we have here? Nothing from the VA, and that creep Dundee told me three days ago he's gonna fill my hole in.
Is there anything for me? No, nothing for you, Meathead.
Just for your mother-in-law.
Sympathy cards.
Those people probably found out you're still alive.
Who are you talking to on the phone there? Uh, excuse me, please.
It's a man from the Welcome Mat real estate company.
What does he want? He wants to know if I wanna sell the house.
He says lots of widows sell their houses.
Give me the phone.
Give me that phone! Hello.
This is Archie Bunker talking to you from the grave.
Wish you was here.
When are these creeps gonna get off my back? Not until the computer takes you off the death list.
Arch, it's machines talking to other machines.
Well, it could be worse, Archie.
Think of poor Mr.
Binker.
Yeah, I'm sitting here waiting for somebody to tell me I'm alive, he's laying in the ground somewheres waiting for someone to tell him he's dead.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
That's right.
Meanwhile, Archie Binker is still alive on hundreds of lists all over the country.
I'm telling you, there's no respect for human dignity anymore.
Pretty soon, we're not gonna be names, just numbers.
It's 1984.
Ah, shut up.
You don't even know what year it is.
Archie, 1984 is a book written by George Orwell-- Will you leave me alone? I'm telling you-- You are giving me a headache.
Here, it's your letter.
What? From the Veterans' Administration.
Give me that letter.
Here it is.
What are you talking about here? Let me see.
Here, Edith, I can't read it.
I haven't got my glasses here.
I'll read it.
All right, Meathead, see what the computer turned up here, huh? You're knocking a computer.
Turn your ears this way.
Listen.
All right, Edith, read it from the top line.
"Veterans' Administration, May--" No, don't read the letterhead.
Start where it says "Dear Sir.
" It don't say "Dear Sir.
" Well, whatever it says, Edith! "Dear Alice Bunker" What? At least you're not dead, Miss Bunker.
Hello? May I speak to Mr.
Henderson, please? Oh, hello, Archie.
How was your day? Who are you on the phone to? The prune company in Buffalo.
What, they're sending you more quarters? No.
Now they're sending me prunes.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Mmm, something smells good.
What's that? Sliced tongue.
I was gonna put it in Archie's lunchbox this morning, but he said he wouldn't eat nothing that come out of a cow's mouth.
Oh.
What did he want instead? A couple of hard-boiled eggs.
Gloria, would you get me a plastic bag? Ma, they're right in front of you.
Oh.
Is something bothering you? No, nothing, Gloria.
Are you sure, Ma? You've been acting kinda funny for the past few days.
Something on your mind? No, nothing.
What on earth would be on my mind? Well, I don't know, Ma, but I think you wanna put the tongue in the refrigerator.
Oh.
Thank you, Gloria.
I better check the table.
I'll help you.
[SNEEZES.]
Gesundheit.
Oh, thanks, Mike.
What day is it? It's Wednesday.
We're gonna get a letter.
What? If you sneeze on Monday, you sneeze for danger, sneeze on Tuesday, kiss a stranger, sneeze on Wednesday, sneeze for a letter.
I never heard that before.
What's the rest of it? Sneeze on Wednesday, sneeze for a letter, sneeze on Thursday, something better, sneeze on Friday, sneeze for sorrow, sneeze on Saturday, see your sweetheart tomorrow.
What about Sunday? There ain't no sneeze for Sunday.
Sunday was a day of vowel rest.
Ha, ha, ha.
Sorry.
Gloria, will you help me clear the table? Ma, I'm helping you set the table! That's right.
Ma! Ma, are you keeping something secret from us? Me, keep secrets from you? [LAUGHS.]
We better find out what's going on.
Yeah.
Ma! Are you in some kind of trouble? No, and I can't tell you what it is.
Ma! The letter? Is that what you're worried about, a letter? Well, since you guessed part of it, I'll tell you the rest.
Here.
Look.
GLORIA: Wow! Look at all those quarters.
You must've been saving them for months.
That's a lot of money.
Forty-seven dollars and 75 cents.
And it ain't mine.
Where did you get it? Here, read this.
"Keep in tune with Sweetheart Prunes.
" I sent a coupon to the prune company from the box top, and they're supposed to send me a free quarter, and they did.
And the next day, they sent me another quarter, and then the next day it started coming in bunches.
And it's still coming.
You know what that is? It's a computer foul-up.
Yeah, Ma, it's the company's fault, not yours.
Well, I know, Gloria, but it ain't right to keep them.
They ain't mine.
It's like stealing.
Ma, Ma, take it easy.
Why don't you just send the quarters back? I tried that, Mike, and every quarter I sent back, they sent me two more.
They probably just read the computer wrong.
Well, they never stop.
Maybe they fed it some Sweetheart Prunes.
Well, I'm gonna tell Archie about it tonight.
No, Ma, whatever you do, don't tell Archie! But I have to.
Ma, if you tell Archie, he's gonna want to spend it.
And he's got no right to spend it.
Well, he did eat most of the prunes.
Ma, I know how hard it is for you not to blab, but please don't tell Daddy.
EDITH: Well, hello, Archie.
I'm so glad to see you.
And I've got nothing to tell you.
What's with her? Every day this week she's been nuttier than the day before.
Is something bothering her? I haven't noticed anything.
Well, you wouldn't notice nothing unless it was covered with food.
Gloria, what's the matter with your mother? Every morning she's burning my toast.
You know what happened last night? I found her laying over on my side of the bed.
She's never done that before.
I couldn't believe it.
I jumped in, I thought I landed on a beach ball.
Edith, get in here! Dinner in a few minutes.
Wait-- Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Edith.
Edith, I wanna talk to you now.
Where are you going? Edith! Come back here.
Edith.
Come here, come here, come here, come here.
Stay! Stay! Now, what is all this about? You mean the quarters from the prune company? Ma! Huh?! Ma, I think you should go get dinner.
Yeah.
Hey, Edith-- Edith.
Will you stop right-- Get over here and stand still.
Did I just hear you say something about prunes and quarters? Yeah, Archie, I'll tell you all about it.
But, Ma-- Ma.
Here is the whole story right in this box.
Jeez, look at all the quarters here.
Edith! Oh, my God.
How much money is that? Forty-seven dollars and 75 cents.
All I done was send in a coupon to the prune company.
You sent a coupon to a prune company? Yeah.
And they were supposed to send me one quarter.
And they did.
But then they started coming every day.
Sometimes four and five, and I can't stop it.
Why would you wanna stop it? [MUTTERS.]
Oh, Edith, I think you found the goose that laid the golden prune.
Oh, Edith, I'll tell you what we'll do.
After supper we'll decide how we'll spend it, eh? Archie, we can't spend this money.
It ain't ours.
It didn't come to me honest.
Edith, don't tell me that.
I don't wanna hear nothing about how you got it.
I don't wanna hear nothing I gotta deny later.
You know, you sound just like Haldeman and Ehrlichman.
And you sound like that Heeb congressman Sam Erving.
Come on.
Don't pay no attention to them.
What are you gonna do? The first thing I want you to know is I ain't mad at you.
Will youse two get away from here? Come over here.
Now, all I wanna know is this.
You say the quarters are still coming in? Oh, yeah, they're up to $8 a week now.
Eight dollars a week? Edith, let me see, that is $400 a year.
That's-- In 10 years, that's over $4000.
That ain't counting interest.
No, no, no, no, forget about the interest.
We can't get that because that would come from a savings bank, see, and there would be records, we'd get mixed up with the Infernal Revenue there.
Archie-- Edith, Edith, Edith.
I know-- I know what we gotta do.
We gotta do the right thing with this money.
Good, Archie.
We gotta spend it.
Oh, no, Archie.
We can't spend it.
That money ain't ours.
Edith, Edith, don't say that.
Don't even think that.
Now just turn right around, go back in the kitchen, and get dinner on the table, huh? Daddy, you got to send that money back to the prune company! Shut up, you.
Go and help your mother get dinner on the table.
But, Daddy! Gloria, we'll get dinner on now.
You're cheating that company, Arch.
You're cheating that company! Oh, come on.
Don't you think big companies are always cheating little people like us? What about that big company last year offering a free trip to Hawaii and two free cars and never delivered on nothing? You remember that.
Yeah, I remember that.
I told you about it.
Well? You said, "So what? That's the American way.
" Well, it is the American way.
And this is the other American way: getting even on that American way.
All right.
Go ahead, go ahead, cheat the companies, let the companies cheat you.
Meanwhile, there's no more human contact left.
The whole country's being ruled by machines.
Ah, get out of here, will you? You're always singing the blues about the country.
Let me tell you something.
This country ain't ruled by machines, this country is ruled by our president.
There you go, Arch, proving my point again.
Ah, there he goes, taking another rap at poor Richard E.
Nixon.
Listen, buddy, that ain't rapping Mr.
Nixon, calling him a machine.
That's a compliment.
You know why? Because machines are great.
And American machines are the greatest.
American machines are what keeps this country number one and ahead of the rest of the world.
What, do you wanna be like the Chinks, counting up things on beads? Don't you see what computers are doing? They're making everything depersonalized.
I mean, if something goes wrong, you got a complaint, wouldn't you rather talk to a human being face to face? Sure I would, but all I got is you.
Dinner.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Well, I was trying to make a point, but I guess the one on your head beat me to it.
Will you get away from me? Arch, don't you see? If things keep going the way they are, pretty soon computers will be doing all our thinking for us.
If computers can do it better than us, then what's the difference? None to you, Arch, because you haven't been thinking for years.
Listen, buddy, I work for a living, I don't have to think.
That makes sense.
Ah! Archie, here's a letter from the Veterans' Administration, special delivery.
Well, give me it.
No.
It's addressed to me.
Why would the VA be writing to you? You ain't a veteran.
I got a death benefit coming.
You got a what? A death benefit.
A death--? Edith, that means you're collecting on some kind of insurance.
Edith, this is a red-letter day for us.
Look at this.
Forty-seven dollars worth of quarters and now somebody died.
Who died? You did.
Yes, operator, I'm still holding.
Here's your toast, Gloria.
Thanks, Ma.
You're looking kind of tired, you know.
Didn't you sleep well last night? Not too good.
I had an awful nightmare about Archie really being dead, and he got mad at me.
In the dream? No, when I woke him up to make sure he was alive.
Hey, Ma, I got through to the prune company in Buffalo.
Hello? Is this Mr.
Henderson? Yeah.
Uh, good.
I'm calling you for my mother-in-law, Mrs.
Archie Bunker.
She sent you a letter about a week ago.
Right.
Right, about the $47.
75.
Well, she's sending you a money order by mail.
And-- Hello? Hello? H-- Operator? Who-- Who's this? A-- What?! Stolen chickens are loose on Interstate 27? Who is this? Who am I talking to? The Lubbock, Texas, Police Department? I don't want to talk to you.
I was talking to the prune company in Buffalo.
No, I'm not kidding.
Officer, will you get off the line, please? We got the lines-- Hello? Who is this? Oh, Mr.
Henderson.
Hi.
How are you? Yeah, we got-- No, forget the chickens! That wasn't me.
That was some cop in Texas.
Yeah.
I was calling you about the lady with the quarters.
Right.
Now, please, don't send her any more quarters, all right? Good.
Okay, thank you very much.
Bye.
Thank you, Michael.
It's insanity.
The whole country's got their lines crossed.
ARCHIE: Edith, can't you keep nothing running in this house? The bulb in the bathroom is going dim up there.
I'm shaving and I don't even know which part of me I'm slicing off.
It's not the bulb, Daddy, there's been another brownout.
Oh, gee, I wish I could get my hands on the guy in this city that cuts the juice at the wrong time.
It's no guy, Arch, it's another computer.
They got machines to figure everything out, just like they figured out you were dead.
Lay off that, will you? Why are you wearing a tie today? Is something special going on at work? Yeah, something very special, Edith.
I ain't going to work.
I'm calling in sick.
Archie, you ain't starting to feel sick? Oh, stop it, I'm fine.
Hey, it's like the Twilight Zone.
Maybe that letter got here a little early.
Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Will you tell your husband to shut up? I'm fine.
I don't know, Daddy.
You came home yesterday saying you were half-dead.
[IN UNISON.]
Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Doo-doo doo-doo Why don't the two of youse doo-doo doo-doo out the door? I haven't had a sweet roll yet.
Have your sweet roll on the subway.
Daddy! Gloria, forget it.
Come on.
Go to work! Go to school! I'm going.
Where are you going all dressed up? I'm going down to the Veterans' Administration and you're going with me.
I gotta get my death wiped out.
That's a lot easier said than done, Arch.
Once those computers make a mistake, it's a fact.
I think you're dead.
I thought you was doo-doo-dooing to the subway.
You know something? If I wasn't an atheist, I'd say that big computer in the sky is doing everything this week just to prove my point.
What point? That machines are ruining this country.
Look, you're dead, the subways keep breaking down, there's a brownout every other day, Ma's prunes keep sending her quarters.
Before I'm trying to get Buffalo on the phone, I get Lubbock, Texas.
I think you're dead.
What are you trying to get Buffalo on the phone for? I think you're dead too.
ARCHIE: What are you--? You're dead.
You're dead.
What are you trying to get Buffalo on the phone for? Why is he trying to get Buffalo on my phone? Archie, I asked him to call the prune company in Buffalo so they'd stop sending me quarters.
Say that again.
I asked Mike to call the prune company in Buffalo so they wouldn't send me-- Send you quarters.
I heard you! Why did you do that, Edith? All that money coming in.
Ah, well, you couldn't help yourself.
You don't know no better.
At least we got the $47 worth of quarters we can spend, huh? No, Archie, we ain't got that neither.
I sent them that in a money order yesterday.
You done that too, have you? [GROANS.]
What's the matter, Archie? You should've kept the quarters and sent back the prunes.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Mr.
Whitehead.
What are you doing here? When loved ones go to eternal rest, Whitehead Funerals are the best.
Oh, that's what everybody says.
Well, this is quite a surprise.
We don't see you too often.
True, dear lady, true.
Still, time has a way of bringing us all together in the end.
Oh, yeah.
Well, come in.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I want you to know, Mrs.
B.
, as soon as I got the news about good old Arch, I came right over.
You heard about the prunes? Is that what did it? Well, that's the way it all started.
Sit down.
Mr.
Whitehead, how did you hear about that? Yeah, well, in our business we got to keep an ear close to the ground, you know? You know, undertaking is a very competitive game.
If you knew what I had to pay out for those computer lessons-- Really? But when it comes to a guy like good old Arch, who's gonna count the cost? Nothing but the best for the widow Bunker.
Mr.
Whitehead, Archie ain't dead.
And he'll never be dead to me or you or the boys at the lodge.
And that's why I have to recommend nothing less than a model 33B casket.
We call it "Peace With Honor.
" See, it's a very nice model.
It's a lead bottom, red satin lining, with kind of like a starlight effect under the lid.
Mr.
Whitehead, Archie is still with us.
His spirit will be with us always.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
More than his spirit.
Look, Mrs.
B.
, I know this ain't easy for you, but to kind of ease the pain of having you come down to the showroom to look over the unit, I brought my sample book with me.
Now, this here is a picture of our model "Peace With Honor.
" Now, ain't that something, huh? No, I think I like the chocolate box number over here.
What are you doing here? I'm just trying to make a buck.
Your name turned up on my list.
Yeah, that's just like you, Whitehead, trying to get me into the ground while I'm still twitching.
Come on, Edith! Archie, look, it ain't my fault.
Oh, whoa, whoa, it ain't your fault.
Here, get your coat and let's go before this guy embalms me.
Archie, can I give you a lift? Get away from me! Sorry to keep you folks waiting, but I finally found your file.
Don't worry, Mrs.
Bunker, we here at the Veterans' Administration understand these problems very well.
Now, the first thing I need to know is where is your husband buried? Her husband ain't buried.
Well, we'll certainly take care of that.
Where's the body? Hey, Mac, I'm the body.
I'm her husband.
Oh, no.
What do you mean, no? Am I your husband? Oh, yeah.
I'm her husband.
I'm her husband.
I'm alive, believe me.
Mr.
Bunker, I believe you're alive.
You believe it, your wife believes it, but now we've got to get the computer to believe it too.
Oh, uh, Dundee here.
Can you get me a quick check on 2-357-58? Thank you.
Oh.
You don't know what we're up against.
We have to wipe out this tape and reprogram it.
You've given us a lot of overtime here.
Well, don't blame me, Mac.
I mean, I didn't commit suicide.
Your computer bumped me off.
Well, let me show you just how complicated this is.
This is your card from our deceased file.
Oh, I hate that.
And each of these little holes has a meaning all its own.
This is your life, Archie Bunker.
A bunch of holes? That's what it comes down to.
And you see that little hole here? Yeah? That's the one that means you're dead.
Fill that in, will you? [RINGS.]
Hello.
Uh, Dundee.
Yes? What? Dash 5-7 instead of dash 5-8? Well, thank you.
One number out of place.
Mr.
Bunker, you're the victim of a slipped digit.
You're not dead at all.
Well, there.
I'm off the death list anyway.
No, not yet.
Not until you receive official confirmation in the mail.
Ohh.
Well, ain't this nice? It means nobody died.
Well, a man named Archie Binker died.
Oh, that's too bad.
What do you mean, too bad? You want me to be dead? No, Archie, I don't want nobody to be dead.
Edith, somebody's gotta be dead.
That's life.
What do we have here? Nothing from the VA, and that creep Dundee told me three days ago he's gonna fill my hole in.
Is there anything for me? No, nothing for you, Meathead.
Just for your mother-in-law.
Sympathy cards.
Those people probably found out you're still alive.
Who are you talking to on the phone there? Uh, excuse me, please.
It's a man from the Welcome Mat real estate company.
What does he want? He wants to know if I wanna sell the house.
He says lots of widows sell their houses.
Give me the phone.
Give me that phone! Hello.
This is Archie Bunker talking to you from the grave.
Wish you was here.
When are these creeps gonna get off my back? Not until the computer takes you off the death list.
Arch, it's machines talking to other machines.
Well, it could be worse, Archie.
Think of poor Mr.
Binker.
Yeah, I'm sitting here waiting for somebody to tell me I'm alive, he's laying in the ground somewheres waiting for someone to tell him he's dead.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
That's right.
Meanwhile, Archie Binker is still alive on hundreds of lists all over the country.
I'm telling you, there's no respect for human dignity anymore.
Pretty soon, we're not gonna be names, just numbers.
It's 1984.
Ah, shut up.
You don't even know what year it is.
Archie, 1984 is a book written by George Orwell-- Will you leave me alone? I'm telling you-- You are giving me a headache.
Here, it's your letter.
What? From the Veterans' Administration.
Give me that letter.
Here it is.
What are you talking about here? Let me see.
Here, Edith, I can't read it.
I haven't got my glasses here.
I'll read it.
All right, Meathead, see what the computer turned up here, huh? You're knocking a computer.
Turn your ears this way.
Listen.
All right, Edith, read it from the top line.
"Veterans' Administration, May--" No, don't read the letterhead.
Start where it says "Dear Sir.
" It don't say "Dear Sir.
" Well, whatever it says, Edith! "Dear Alice Bunker" What? At least you're not dead, Miss Bunker.
Hello? May I speak to Mr.
Henderson, please? Oh, hello, Archie.
How was your day? Who are you on the phone to? The prune company in Buffalo.
What, they're sending you more quarters? No.
Now they're sending me prunes.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.