All In The Family s04e22 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days And just remember one thing - when you're out there tomorrow, you're fishing with me and my buddies, let's have no talk about politics or world conditions, or anything dumb like that.
Keep it all fish talk.
Don't worry, Arch.
I promise I won't say anything to offend your peer group.
What do you mean, "pier"? We're fishing off a boat.
I forgot.
Hey, Arch.
Didn't you say the bluefish were running? That's what I said.
The line you've got on there is too heavy.
Shouldn't you be using a 25-pound line? Nah.
25-pound line breaks too easy.
Yeah.
But with a 40-pound line, it's not fair.
It's not the sporting thing to do.
Ah, listen to this guy.
If I use a 25-pound line, can you hear what the fish would say? "Oh, Jeez.
I love this hook.
"There's a sport at the other end of it.
" Arch, you're not giving the fish a fighting chance.
I don't want to fight with the fish, I want to catch them.
I'm gonna use the lighter line.
You do what you want to do.
You know, Arch, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.
I think we're gonna have a lot of fun.
Yeah.
You bet we will.
I want to tell you something else.
It makes me very happy you're doing something normal for a change like fishing.
Up to now, it's been nothing but books and bedrooms.
Here.
Hold the end of this now, huh? Oh.
I hate to interrupt you while you're being friends.
Then why don't you leave us alone? All I want to know is what do my two fisherboys want to eat tonight? I think the word for it is dinner.
Tonight you've got a choice.
You can have yesterday's chicken or the day before's meatloaf.
And you can have them hot or cold.
You can have the meatloaf cold and the chicken hot, or the chicken cold and the meatloaf hot.
Or you can have them both hot or both cold.
Well, I think-- Or you can have tomorrow's liver today.
Why don't you just surprise us, huh? EDITH: Hello, Gloria.
MICHAEL: Hi, honey.
How was your day at work? Fine.
That's good.
Do you want to eat here tonight or are you and Mike gonna go out? I don't know.
Honey, if you want to go out it's all right.
I don't care.
Good.
I figure we're getting up early to go fishing tomorrow, we might as well stay home, huh? Whatever you say.
Gloria, are you all right? Yeah.
You're acting kind of funny.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I won't do it again.
Gloria, would you like to help me get the dinner on? Sure, Ma.
What are you sitting there for? You waiting to get your picture took? Go on.
Help your mother get the dinner on.
Will you hurry up? I'm hungry.
[SOBS.]
Gloria, what's the matter? Leave me alone! Why did you even say that to her? What? I didn't hear myself say nothing.
Where is Gloria? Oh, gee, she's upstairs crying her eyes out.
Oh, my.
What happened? I don't know.
I told her to go on in and help you set the table and the waterworks started.
Oh.
Something's bothering her.
She put me in mind of you when you was going through the change.
Oh, Archie, I think she's too young for that.
Gee, thanks for straightening me out, Edie.
Whatever it is, this is your fault, this here.
You should've talked to her about this.
How could I when I didn't know it was gonna happen? I'm talking about years ago.
You should've took your daughter aside.
You should've said, "Gloria, there are gonna be times "when you're gonna be a pain in the neck "and you're gonna upset your father.
Don't ever do that.
" Oh, all right.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Oh, she's coming back down.
All right, shush.
Make out like you didn't notice nothing.
I'm glad you're back.
Do you feel all right now, Gloria? Oh, yeah, she's fine, Ma.
I'm sorry I acted that way.
Oh, think nothing of it, little girl.
Nobody here noticed nothing, did we, Edie? No.
I was out in the kitchen when it happened.
You told me about it.
Gloria, dear, do you feel all right enough to help me with the dinner? Sure, Ma.
What's the story? What's the matter with your wife? I don't know.
How'd you get her to come down? I just asked her.
She said, "I'll come down.
There's nothing wrong with me.
" Something's depressing her.
Oh, well, that's very simple to understand.
MICHAEL: What? Don't you know nothing about women at all? When they're down in the dumps this way, you wanna cheer them up, you buy them a new hat.
Gloria doesn't wear hats.
Maybe that's what's the matter with her.
She wants a hat.
Go buy her a hat.
I'll lend you the money.
That's not it.
Dinner! Get it while it's cold.
Gee, what a joke.
Serve it up, huh? Gloria, have some meatloaf, it's delicious.
I'm not hungry.
All right, over here, then, over here.
What's the matter, Gloria? I don't know, Ma.
I just feel blah.
Well, you felt all right this morning when you left.
Yeah.
I was fine until I got on the subway tonight.
Did somebody bother you? Oh, gee, some of them animals on the subway, they ought to be chained up.
It's nothing like that.
Listen, if I was the mayor of this city, I'd quarantine them subways.
How would people get to work? Let them eat cake.
Gloria, tell me what happened.
Well, I was feeling good, I was.
I was glad it was the end of the week.
I was really looking forward to coming home.
Anyway, I got on the subway, I sat down, and I began to look at the faces around me and they all looked the same, dull and blank.
And all of a sudden I thought, "What's the use?" All you need, little girl, is a good dose of castor oil.
What? That's right.
Any time I ever come home with my tail dragging behind me, that's what my mother done to me.
She'd grab me by the nose, open up the kisser and a good dose right down the pipe.
Boy, that cheered me up every time.
Castor oil cheered you up? Damn right.
It was either be cheered up or get another dose.
Gloria, maybe it'll help you if you talk about it a little more.
What's there to talk about? It's just there's nothing to look forward to.
Oh, Gloria, you've got your whole life ahead of you and you've got Mike.
Oh, gee, she's feeling bad enough.
Don't make it worse.
Stop with that.
Oh, nuts to you.
Eat something, Gloria.
You'll feel better.
It's just that it's always the same thing day after day.
It's all so useless.
Hey, Gloria, honey, I know how you feel.
Sometimes I hate my day too.
You realize how many boring things I gotta do in a single day that drive me crazy? I gotta get up, I gotta brush my teeth, I have to shave and I hate to shave.
There are mornings when I stand there debating with that mirror, "Should I shave or should I cut my throat?" but I shave.
You know, it's too bad you always lose that argument.
I'm talking to Gloria.
Will you lay off with the stupid remarks? It's my table-- You're not helping.
We've got a problem.
Don't tell me-- That's another thing that's always the same, the two of you arguing and always about the same thing.
Nothing every changes in this crummy house.
What do you mean, "crummy house"? Where do you get that stuff? Gloria, that ain't nice.
Your father and me have always tried to give you a good home.
Yeah.
But it's always the same, every night the same.
"How was your day?" "Lousy.
" The same, "What's for dinner?" The same, "Get me a beer.
" Is that all life's about? Excuse me.
Wait a minute.
You ain't getting away with that, little girl.
Come on, now.
This ain't no royal palace here.
Me and your mother ain't no duke or dukess.
But I think we've done pretty good.
Not in my book you didn't.
Well, just what do you mean? Ooh! What is this here? Gloria feels upset.
I'm sure she don't mean what she's saying.
Yes, I do! Don't you understand? I don't wanna end up like the two of you! Edith, Edith, where are you? EDITH: In the kitchen, Archie.
Oh, you're in the kitchen, huh? Why didn't you wake me up a little bit earlier? It's after 5 a.
m.
, I'm gonna have to rush to make that fishing boat.
You've got plenty of time.
Edith, and the house is as cold as an icebox.
Didn't you think to turn up the heat? Oh, I don't think we should, Archie, not with the energy crisis.
Oh, the energy crisis.
I wish you would come up with one of them hot flashes of yours now that we need it.
Come on, come on.
Here's your coffee.
Now, I got everything ready.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.
I've been up a couple of hours.
I couldn't sleep last night.
I think because of what Gloria said to us.
Oh, listen, that daughter of yours is pretty fresh there, you know.
People tell me that she's got my eyes, but that mouth of hers, that's your side of the family.
Imagine a daughter saying them things to her mother and father.
I don't think that was Gloria talking.
Oh, gee, what, the devil make her do it? Maybe I ought to get one of them priests in to exercise with her.
No, something was bothering Gloria, so she took it out on the people that are closest to her.
Well, what kind of talk is that, she don't wanna end up like us, huh? We didn't end up so bad, did we? I always did all right by you, didn't I? Oh, yeah.
After all, you got a nice life.
You got a home here.
You got clothes, you got a color TV out there.
You got all the dishes you need.
Can you ask for anything I wouldn't give you? Well, I could use another $10 a week for the house money.
Well, you ain't getting that.
Yeah.
Well, here you are.
Where are you going? I better call Mike.
You mean to tell me that meathead ain't been down to breakfast yet? No.
Get out of the way.
I'll call him myself.
You can't depend on that guy for nothing.
Well, what are you doing up so early, little girl? I couldn't sleep.
Oh, well, I'm not surprised.
How could anybody sleep in a crummy house like this? Oh, Daddy, I'm sorry about what I said last night.
You're sorry? Well, that goes double for me.
Daddy, please don't be angry with me.
I didn't know what I was saying.
I mean, whatever I said, it had nothing to do with you.
I guess I was talking that way-- Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
If it's female, don't tell me, huh? I just want to know how you are.
Are you all right? Yeah, Daddy.
I'm all right.
Well, if you're gonna sit down here, it's cold.
Maybe you ought to get your blanket, huh? No, thank you.
Why don't you go back up to bed? Oh, no.
I'm afraid I'll wake Michael.
You'll wake Michael? You mean to tell me he ain't out of that sack yet? The one time I wanted him with me, and he ain't here! That bum could sleep a hundred years.
Oh, jeez, look at this.
Rip Van Meathead.
Get up out of there.
I'm up.
I'm up.
Get out of the bed, there! What are you doing? Here's your pants.
Sh, sh! Get them on you, huh? Sh! I can never depend on you for-- Hold it! Hold it! What are you doing here? You're putting your pants on over your pajamas.
It's all right.
It'll be cold on the boat.
I don't have any long underwear.
All right, just hurry up, huh? Will you shush! Why are you shushing me? I don't want to wake up Gloria! Gloria ain't here! She's downstairs.
What's she doing downstairs? She's sitting in a chair down there.
She's all right.
How do you know? She told me.
What did she say? She said, "I'm all right.
" Will you hurry it up, please! Oh, I was worried about her.
Last night she wouldn't talk to me.
It was like there was a pane of glass between us.
Do you know that we don't catch that fishing boat, there ain't gonna be no deep-sea fishing.
We'll have to stay on the dock with the old people.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it! What are you doing here? What? What about the other foot? There ain't no sock on it.
I'll get to it.
Don't you know that the whole world puts on a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe? I like to take care of one foot at a time.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! It's just as quick my way.
Wait a minute.
That ain't the point.
You see, what I-- Don't keep doing it! Listen to me! Suppose there's a fire in the house and you've got to run for your life.
Your way, all you've got on is one shoe and a sock.
My way, you've got on a sock and a sock.
You see? You're even.
Suppose it's raining or snowing outside.
Your way, with a sock on each foot, my feet would get wet.
My way, with a sock and a shoe on one foot, I could hop around and stay dry.
I think you've been hopping around on your head.
Wait a minute.
Wait a-- Listen to me! Supposing the other sock's got a hole in it.
It doesn't have a hole in it.
I said supposing it's got a hole in it.
All right, suppose it has a hole.
All right, it's got a hole in it.
So you ain't got another matching pair, so what are you gonna do? Your way, you gotta take off a whole shoe and a sock.
My way, all you gotta do is take off one sock.
All right, if it'll make you happy, I'll start all over again.
No! Not now! You're halfway through now! Jeez, get on with it.
We're in a hurry.
You can start doing it the right way tomorrow morning.
And do it that way for the rest of your life! Gloria.
Oh, I brought you some juice.
Drink all of it.
You never can tell what part the vitamin C might be in.
Boy, I want to tell you there's some people in this world you can never get nothing through their heads.
Look who's up.
I know who's up.
Do you know who's got to get out of here, huh? Will you get my lunch ready? Oh, yeah, right away, Arch.
Listen, little girl, you mind if I ask you a personal question? GLORIA: No.
Did you ever watch your husband dress himself in the morning? Sometimes.
Did you know that he puts on a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe instead of a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe? What? What's the sense in asking you? You wear pantyhose.
Gloria.
Oh, here he is.
Now, will you get your gear together and get ready to leave? We gotta get going! Take it easy, will you? I want to talk to Gloria first.
We've got a boat to catch.
Don't worry.
We'll make it.
Here's your lunch, Archie.
Leave it there, Edith.
Gloria, how do you feel? Fine.
You want me to stay home with you? Whatever you like.
Because, you know, I don't have to go fishing.
Do what you want.
Well, what do you want? Just tell me.
Go fishing.
You're sure? Michael, if you want to go fishing, go fishing.
Gloria, where are you going? Back to bed.
Oh, don't go away.
I want to talk to you.
What about? Uh, well, just wait a minute.
Okay.
Okay.
We're all set.
Let's go now, huh? Wait a second.
Wait a second.
I forgot something.
What are you doing now? Bye, honey.
Oh, look at this.
He's got to stop for that.
Okay, you gotta wait for me now.
I forgot something.
Oh, Archie! Get out of the way, Edith.
What did you forget? My six-pack of beer.
You can't go fishing without beer, Edie.
Okay, let's go.
Now, watch the poles! Don't hit them on the top of the door.
Here, hold them this way on the vertizontal there.
Okay, that's right.
Now, come on.
Let's go.
[FISHING POLES CRACK.]
[ARCHIE YELLS.]
ARCHIE: You're a killer.
That's what you are! Have a good time.
Oh, Gloria, you still ain't feeling good, are you? I feel awful.
Well, come on out in the kitchen.
I'll fix you some breakfast.
You can keep me company, and we'll talk.
Here, you sit right down here and I'll have some nice scrambled eggs for you in a jiffy.
Speaking of eggs, Gloria, before Archie and me got married, he used to go around saying, "There's no cooking like my mother's.
" So I went over to his mother's, and she showed me how to cook for Archie.
Oh, my, I'll never forget the first time I served him eggs.
He took a bite, and a look came over his face.
I said, "Don't you like them?" He said, "Edith, I always said "there's nothing like my mother's cooking and here it is again!" That's nice.
No, he hated his mother's cooking.
I had to start all over again.
Now your father likes your mother's cooking.
[GIGGLING.]
Get it? Ma, how do you do it? How do you stay so cheerful all the time? Oh, I'm sad a lot of times.
Regular times, when people die, and once, once, Gloria-- I haven't thought about it for years.
It was terrible.
It was the day I was sure I didn't love your father no more.
Really, Ma? You stopped loving Daddy? What did he do to you? That's just the point.
Nothing.
He'd come home one night and said hello and I said hello.
And he sat down in his chair to read his paper just like he'd done a thousand times before.
You know how he licks his fingers when he turns the page: I looked at him.
All of a sudden he was a stranger.
I didn't know him, and what's worse, I didn't want to know him.
Ma, the same thing's happened to me.
No! You knew! No! Oh, well, it wasn't hard to figure out.
When you told Mike to go fishing your face looked the way I felt that day with Archie.
Now I understand why you talked to your father and me that way.
Because when you're feeling like that, you don't like nothing about your life.
Yeah.
Ma, you know when it happened? Two nights ago? You know, I was upstairs, it was the middle of the night and I woke up, and I looked over at Michael.
Well, there he was, asleep, grinding his teeth like he always does.
But just like it happened to you, Ma, all of a sudden, I didn't recognize him.
It was like I was sleeping with a stranger.
And you were scared you didn't love him no more.
That's right.
And Ma, what if I don't get over it? Gloria, all I can tell you is I got over it the next day.
Archie came home, he said, "Hello.
Get me a beer," and I was in love.
Just like that? Yeah! That's how you knew you loved Daddy again, "Hello.
Get me a beer"? That's the way it happened.
You know, I think a lot of marriages break up because people don't wait long enough to recognize each other again.
Gloria? It's Mike! What's he doing back home? Mike! What are you doing home? Did you forget something? No, I got as far as the subway.
I was so worried about Gloria that I told Archie to go without me.
You were worried about me? Yeah, I knew something was bothering you.
I've just been avoiding it.
I shouldn't have gone fishing.
When you've got a problem, I've got a problem.
I should have stayed home and dealt with it.
And can we talk about this over breakfast? I'm hungry.
Ma, did you hear what he said? He said, "I'm hungry"! [LAUGHS EXCITEDLY.]
Michael, I love you! [LAUGHING HAPPILY.]
Oh, Ma, Ma, isn't he beautiful? What's so funny? Oh, nothing.
We was just talking about a couple of strangers we know.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Everything's all right? It's perfect.
Oh, I'm glad, honey.
Yeah.
Now there's only one little problem.
GLORIA: What? I've got Archie's fishing rod.
Edith.
Archie! You're back.
Where is that dumb meathead? He and Gloria went out for a pizza.
I hope an anchovy gets stuck in his throat.
Do you know what happened because of him? I had to lay out 5 bucks to rent a no-good fishing pole.
Did you catch something? Oh, sure, Edith.
I caught a whale, but I couldn't bring him home on the subway.
[GIGGLING.]
[MOCKS GIGGLING.]
Will you get me a beer? Right away.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.