All In The Family s04e23 Episode Script
Pay the Twenty Dollars
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Would you like some butter on your toast, Louise? Yes, thanks.
All right.
Now, let's see.
The butter is on the second shelf on the left-hand side.
I try not to leave the refrigerator door open too long to save energy.
How much energy do you think you saved on that move? I didn't save nothing.
I got the cheddar cheese.
Wait a minute.
Here goes.
Got it! Oh, Louise, I'm glad you dropped in.
It's so nice to have company.
Archie's been out all night driving Mr.
Munson's cab.
It was so lonely sleeping without him.
But I made believe Archie was there by talking over the events of the day before I went to sleep.
I talked and talked but Archie didn't answer me.
It was just like he was there.
ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! Oh! There's Archie! Maybe I'd better go.
Oh, no.
You finish your coffee.
I'll be right back.
All right.
Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you're home.
All right, all right! Take it easy, will you? I seen enough of that whoopee in the back of my cab all night.
Here's your dress.
You remembered to pick up the dry cleaning! Oh, thank you, Archie.
How was your night? Same as my day, only darker.
I ain't never gonna drive that Friday night till Saturday morning shift no more.
Every screwball in the city of New York is loose on the streets.
Morning.
Except one.
Thank you very much.
What are you doing up so early of a Saturday morning? I'm getting breakfast for me and Gloria.
We're gonna have breakfast in bed.
Oh, listen to this.
They do everything in that bed except sleep.
You know, you're not pleasant in the morning.
What do you want me to do, looking at you? Whistle a happy tune? Oh, Archie, you must be hungry.
I'll get you something to eat.
No, no, no.
It's all right, Edith.
I'm too tired to eat.
I'm off-duty.
All I wanna do is go up and lay down.
Would you like some company? I said I'm off-duty.
All right.
Have a good day's sleep.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you and Gloria gonna have some cornflakes? No, no, no.
Gloria's gonna have the orange.
I'm gonna have the cornflakes.
Oh, don't you want a bowl for your cereal? No, I like to eat the cereal dry and then I wash it down with the milk.
That way it doesn't get soggy.
Oh.
[KNOCKING.]
Mr.
Jefferson.
Come in.
GEORGE: Morning.
George, what are you doing away from the store? Don't worry.
I left Lionel in charge.
Mrs.
Bunker, this has nothing to do with you.
Where's your husband? He just went upstairs to bed.
Well, I gotta talk to him.
It's important.
Oh, well, all right.
Come on in.
I'm sure he ain't asleep yet.
Archie, are you in bed yet? ARCHIE: No, not yet, Edith.
I'm looking out the window.
Do you know the Jeffersons left their shades up? Did you know they was putting new wallpaper on the wall of their bedroom? Holy cow, them coloreds are wild about stripes.
Bunker, come down here! ARCHIE: That don't sound like your voice, Edith.
No, Archie.
We've got company.
Yeah, so I see.
Thanks for letting me know.
Bunker, take a look at this.
It's a $20 bill.
What did you do, hit a number? You gave me $20 when you picked up your cleaning just now and I gave you $18 change.
Well, I remember.
So what? So my $18 was good.
This 20 is counterfeit.
What? Are you sure, George? I wouldn't be here if I wasn't sure.
Look, I checked these serial numbers against our list.
This is 89170412.
These are counterfeit serial numbers.
They sound like real numbers to me.
Let's just say you passed this phony on to me by accident.
So now all you have to do is reach into your wallet and give me a real one on purpose.
Listen, I ain't no counterfeiter.
The $20 bill I gave you was perfectly good currency of the realm.
That was printed on 100 percent U.
S.
Government realm.
Get out of the way, Edith.
You didn't even look at the bill.
Certainly I looked at it.
I look at all big bills.
I remember where I got that $20.
I only got one last night.
I remember the guy that give it to me.
And he wasn't no counterfeiter.
How do you know he wasn't? Ah, come on, Jefferson.
I know people.
This was a very classy guy.
He was dressed up to the nines in a sharp coat that had one of them velvet collars, and one of them pearl-gray hamburgers on his head.
Archie, isn't it possible he passed the bill to you without knowing it? Oh, no.
No way, Louise.
This was a rich guy! Rich guys know all about money.
They was brung up on money.
That's how much you know! Rich guys never even see any money.
All they've got in their pocket is credit cards.
All they know is "Charge it," "I'll sign for it" and "Sue me.
" Well, don't get yourself all excited.
Let's have a look at the bill, huh? I don't want to touch it.
Just hold it out there where I can see it.
Now I got you, Jefferson.
That ain't the 20 I give you.
See, I'm awful careful with my big bills so they don't get mixed up in the little bills, and get give away in change, see.
I take the trouble-- I turn down a corner there.
I call that the Bunker fold.
And there ain't no Bunker fold in that.
It did have a fold there in the corner.
I straightened it out when I put it in the cash register.
I call it the Jefferson press.
Well, nevertheless, prove it.
Bunker, if I don't get my money right now, you're gonna find yourself on top of the "10 Most Sorry Honky" list.
Jefferson, would you care to step outside? I'm ready.
Good.
Then step outside.
I'm going to bed.
See that, Bunker? I knew you didn't have the guts to step outside.
You know, you are a very small man.
I'd hate for money to mean that much to me.
Money don't mean nothing to me.
What are you talking about? I'll show you what money means to me.
What are we talking about? Twenty dollars, huh? Okay.
Ten.
Twenty.
There you are, Edith.
Buy yourself a new hat.
See that? I just threw 20 away on the old lady.
All right, Bunker, let's step outside.
Can't we all sit down and talk this over? Can't you just stay out of this? This here is between Jefferson and me and Jefferson and me, we're going to settle this like gentlemen.
Now, Jefferson, get out.
I ain't going nowhere.
I ain't finished with you yet.
Well, I'm finished with you.
Louise, can I see you for a minute in the kitchen? Yes.
Louise, what are we gonna do about this? I don't know.
I've never seen such a stubborn man in all of my life.
Me neither.
I never knew George could be that way.
I was talking about Archie.
Are you saying Archie is wrong? Well, I hope you're not saying George is wrong.
You heard Archie tell George he didn't give him that bad bill.
Don't you believe what he said? Yes and no.
What do you mean? Yes, I believe he said it and, no, I don't believe what he said.
What are you getting so excited about? I'll tell you what to do with that bill.
Take that bill up to Harlem and pass it there.
What? Don't get excited! Just shove it on some guy up there.
It'll make the rounds, it'll wind up in the hands of some white guy who sells purple Cadillacs.
And who the hell cares about him, huh? Don't believe everything Archie says.
He's got you brainwashed.
Don't you have a mind of your own? Yes, I do.
Then use it.
Everything George said made perfectly good sense.
To you, maybe, but not to me.
There, you see? I'm using my own mind.
And you can't say it's because I'm listening to Archie because he ain't here.
Not only that, he ain't all there.
You won't listen to what I'm trying to-- Nothing you say makes any difference to me.
I'm trying to-- You can talk until you're blue in the face, which, come to think of it, in your case, would be an improvement.
Hey, Jefferson, don't you think you can walk away saying that to me.
Hey, your wife is still here.
Wait till you see what I'm going to say to her.
It's obvious we have nothing more to say to each other.
Ever.
[SLAMS DOOR.]
Louise! LOUISE: Goodbye! Oh! Hey, Louise, listen-- Where is she? She's gone.
Well, it's a good thing she is.
You should have heard what I had in my mind to say to her.
What's the matter with you? I just had a fight with Louise and I feel terrible.
Can't you do nothing right? I just had a fight with her husband and I feel wonderful.
I'm proud of you, Louise, proud of you.
Finally come to your senses.
You see, them people can be all sweetness and light but when it comes down to the nitty, they always show their true color: white.
What's the matter with you? You mad at me or something? No, I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at me.
Well, either way, it's spoiling my lunch.
How could I have let myself get into a fight with Edith? All she was doing was defending her husband.
Even Perry Mason couldn't do that, and he ain't never lost a case.
If I was any kind of a friend, I'd be over there apologizing to Edith right now.
Why don't you do that, Louise.
Do you mean that? Sure, go on over there and apologize to her.
But leave your key here because you ain't getting back into this house.
I'll have to come back, George.
I made your mother a solemn promise never to leave you while you were crazy.
Never mind that.
Just remember, you did the right thing sticking up for your husband, because blood is thicker than water.
What blood are you talking about, George? We're not related, we're only married.
Now, there's only one way we can get out of this mess.
You and Archie are going to get together and make up.
All right, I'll do that.
Good.
When Moms Mabley elopes with Lester Maddox.
I can't.
Ma, you know that neither Archie or Mr.
Jefferson is going to admit that he's wrong.
You and Louise have to be the peacemakers.
I know.
But who's gonna make the first move? Whoever wants to make up the most.
Oh, Ma, you going over there to see Louise? Yeah, I am, right now.
I'm gonna find out which one wants to make up the most.
[GASPS.]
It's a tie! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Oh! Oh! You two want me to make you some coffee? Oh, that'd be nice.
I'll help you, Gloria.
Come on, sit down right over here.
Oh, Louise, I feel so much better.
So do I.
I don't know what came over us.
Neither do I.
Louise, remember that $20 Archie gave me to buy a new hat? Well, I don't need a new hat.
I wish you'd take it and give it to George.
Well, thanks, Edith, but wouldn't it be better if Archie gave it back himself? I don't know how we'll ever get him to do that.
I know how.
Does Archie need anything cleaned? I was gonna bring in his winter coat.
Perfect.
Get it, Edith.
All right.
But I could bring it down to the store myself.
No, I want George to get it fast.
The first thing he does when he gets cleaning is go all through the pockets.
We're going to put this in here.
And George will find it and maybe he'll think it's Archie's way of saying he made a mistake without coming out and saying it.
Oh, Louise, that's a wonderful idea.
That reminds me of the Ten Commandments.
Which one? The one by Cecil B.
DeMille.
You remember the part where Moses' mother puts him in a little basket and floats him down the river on purpose so that Pharaoh's daughter can find him by accident and he can grow up and be Charlton Heston? George, I have Archie Bunker's coat.
It needs cleaning.
Uh-uh.
No way.
Now, you take that mangy coat back over there.
He tried to put something over on me.
He thinks I'm stupid because I'm black.
Then you be bigger than him.
You just turn the other cheek.
That won't do no good.
My other cheek's black too.
You know, I wish I'd never left Harlem to move in next door to those ugly Bunkers.
What are you talking about? If I still lived in Harlem, I could really get even with him.
How? By leaving Harlem and moving in next door to him all over again.
George, you are going to clean his coat.
I'll take it to the store myself.
Go on and take it, then.
Well, look at this! Money! Another 20 bucks.
Hey, these 10s are good.
Solid.
You're not really going to keep that money? No, I'm not going to keep it.
Good.
I'm going to spend it.
Okay, go ahead.
Let Archie have the last laugh.
Now where are you coming from? Isn't it obvious he put it here on purpose for you to find it? It's Archie's way of apologizing.
No.
You think so? Let me put it this way.
When was the last time we found $20 in one of Archie Bunker's pockets? You're right.
He's trying to make me look bad.
He ain't gonna get away with this.
Where are you going? If anybody's gonna have the last laugh, I'm gonna have it first.
Can't sleep.
There's no air in this house.
There's no air in New York.
Maybe you can't sleep because of the argument you had with Mr.
Jefferson.
Oh, I wouldn't lose any sleep over that argument.
I won it, didn't I? I think when two people fight, nobody wins.
Jeez, that'd be great news for Jack Dempsey, you know that? He could give up his restaurant.
He's still a champ.
I was talking about fighting over money.
By the way, give me back that 20 bucks I give you.
What 20 bucks? What I give you to buy yourself a new hat, which I didn't mean in the first place, seeing as I was only trying to get Jefferson off my back twenty bucks.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, there's the bell! I'll get it.
Whoever it is, tell them to get out of here.
Louise, George, come in.
Archie, look who's here.
Oh, gee.
What have you got this time, Jefferson? A wooden nickel? Louise? Remember, last laugh.
Uh-huh.
Bunker, this is yours.
What's mine? This $20 we found in your coat your wife sent down to be cleaned.
Twenty dollars--? You got that in my coat and that's mine? That $20 here? Hey, Edith! What is that? Oh, Archie.
I should have checked the pockets.
I'm sorry.
Oh, gee, I ain't mad at you, darling.
Whoop-de-do.
Hey.
Hey.
I never would have believed I left that kind of dough in that coat.
And you wouldn't have known it if Mr.
Jefferson hadn't found it.
He could have kept the money, but he's an honest man.
Hey, Jefferson.
Nice to see you.
See you round.
Let's go, Louise.
I've laughed enough for one day.
Wait! Wait a minute.
Archie, can I see you? You're looking at me.
Archie! Since you got back $20 you didn't know you had and since Mr.
Jefferson had a loss because of the bad bill, I think you should share this with him.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
I think you should give him at least half of it.
You'd still be ahead $10.
Oh, please, Archie.
Be fair.
Don't tell me what to do.
Get out of the way.
Jefferson, I'm going to be fair.
Seeing as there was a loss here and you and me was both involved in the loss, well, maybe we ought to share this.
So here's $10.
Thanks.
All right.
Fair enough? That's nice, Archie.
Wait a second, Arch.
That's not fair.
You're ahead way more than $10.
Listen to the meatheaded college boy over there.
I'm holding $10 in my hand.
Show me where I'm way more ahead than that.
Look, Arch, you gave Mr.
Jefferson a phony $20 bill.
I didn't know nothing about that.
It doesn't make any difference! The point is he gave you $18 of real money in change plus $2 worth of cleaning services: that's $20.
Add to that the 20 that he found in your coat pocket and returned to you because he's an honest man.
That's $40 you're ahead.
Hold it! I just give the man $10 there.
All right, so you're ahead $30.
Thirty dollars? But the fact remains, he gave you $18 cash.
You only gave him $10 back.
Why don't you give him the other $8 you owe? I ain't going to give him no $8.
Arch, you'll still be ahead 22 bucks.
Wait a minute.
How do you figure that? Thirty minus eight is twenty-two.
You're $22 ahead.
I'm 22 ahead? Thirty? Huh? Minus eight? All right, if I'm $22-- I can add up myself! Jefferson, er, as long as I'm $22 ahead here, and I figure if I-- How much should I give him? Eight dollars.
All right, $8.
So I'll give you a $10 bill.
Give me two ones.
I ain't got no change.
But he ain't got no change.
I ain't got no change.
Who's got change? No, I don't.
I didn't bring my purse.
Oh, jeez, I ain't got no singles here.
Arch, he gave you $18 worth of change.
You've got to have at least three singles.
I bought seven cigars and a malted.
Is that okay with you? Would this help? I owe Louise $3 from the groceries yesterday.
That'll help.
How does that help? Give me the $10.
Wait a minute! Arch, you were going to give Mr.
Jefferson $8, right? Add $3 to that for the groceries.
That's $11 you owe Mr.
Jefferson.
Here's a $10 bill, Mr.
Jefferson.
Now, Archie, all you owe Mr.
Jefferson is $1.
How do I owe him $1? No, Daddy, that's not right.
No, that ain't right, little girl.
Help me here.
Daddy, you're forgetting about the $2 Mr.
Jefferson's still out for the cleaning.
You owe him $3.
That ain't no help! She's right, Arch.
You owe him $3.
Here, give me 5.
Wait a minute here! Here, Mr.
Jefferson.
Here's $5.
Now you owe Archie $2.
Well, at least he owes me $2.
Somebody owes me something here! Remember, now.
You owe me $2.
All right.
All right, talking of owings, here, what about the $5 you owe me? I give you $5 last week, I loaned it to you to buy pizza for yourself and Gloria.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot, Archie.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I forgot! I'm sorry! Gloria, could you give me $5 to give to Archie? Oh, sure, honey.
Let me get my purse.
ARCHIE: Yeah, get the purse, huh? No, wait a minute, Daddy.
There's something wrong here.
Yeah, there's something wrong, little girl, huh? Yeah, you owe me 10.
That's what's wrong? Yeah, don't you remember last week I loaned you $10 when you didn't have enough money to pay the plumber for fixing the drip in the sink? Oh, holy cow.
Yeah.
What have you got there? Two fives? There's my ten.
Wait a minute! There's the five you wanted.
Thank you very much.
Here's the five I owe you for the pizza.
We're all square.
Wait, wait.
Not quite all square.
You're damn right not quite all square.
Remember, George, you still owe Archie $2.
Give it to him.
Yeah, somebody give me something, huh? I'm feeling awful light here.
Give him the $2.
I don't have change.
I know how to fix this! ARCHIE: How? Michael, remember you and Daddy still owe Lionel $7 for the ball game tickets from last Saturday.
That's right! I forgot.
Here, give me the $5.
Wait a minute! Mr.
Jefferson, here's $5.
Now, with the two you owe Archie, you add that to the $5, that makes 7.
You give that to Lionel.
That squares us with Lionel and squares you with Archie.
Everything's perfect.
Everybody's paid off.
GLORIA: Michael, that's right.
How is everybody paid off? I had $35 in my hand.
I'm standing here holding nothing! Now, don't nobody move! Because we're going to start this whole transfaction over and we're gonna do it slow, right from the very beginning.
All right.
It all started when you gave me this phony 20.
Now you've got it back.
Bye.
Come on, Louise.
Goodbye, everybody.
You could have fooled me with this.
I would never know how to tell the difference between this and a good $20 bill.
Here, let me show you.
Give me the bill.
The difference is this.
A phony $20 bill is worth nothing.
But a good $20 bill is worth $10.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
All right.
Now, let's see.
The butter is on the second shelf on the left-hand side.
I try not to leave the refrigerator door open too long to save energy.
How much energy do you think you saved on that move? I didn't save nothing.
I got the cheddar cheese.
Wait a minute.
Here goes.
Got it! Oh, Louise, I'm glad you dropped in.
It's so nice to have company.
Archie's been out all night driving Mr.
Munson's cab.
It was so lonely sleeping without him.
But I made believe Archie was there by talking over the events of the day before I went to sleep.
I talked and talked but Archie didn't answer me.
It was just like he was there.
ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! Oh! There's Archie! Maybe I'd better go.
Oh, no.
You finish your coffee.
I'll be right back.
All right.
Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you're home.
All right, all right! Take it easy, will you? I seen enough of that whoopee in the back of my cab all night.
Here's your dress.
You remembered to pick up the dry cleaning! Oh, thank you, Archie.
How was your night? Same as my day, only darker.
I ain't never gonna drive that Friday night till Saturday morning shift no more.
Every screwball in the city of New York is loose on the streets.
Morning.
Except one.
Thank you very much.
What are you doing up so early of a Saturday morning? I'm getting breakfast for me and Gloria.
We're gonna have breakfast in bed.
Oh, listen to this.
They do everything in that bed except sleep.
You know, you're not pleasant in the morning.
What do you want me to do, looking at you? Whistle a happy tune? Oh, Archie, you must be hungry.
I'll get you something to eat.
No, no, no.
It's all right, Edith.
I'm too tired to eat.
I'm off-duty.
All I wanna do is go up and lay down.
Would you like some company? I said I'm off-duty.
All right.
Have a good day's sleep.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you and Gloria gonna have some cornflakes? No, no, no.
Gloria's gonna have the orange.
I'm gonna have the cornflakes.
Oh, don't you want a bowl for your cereal? No, I like to eat the cereal dry and then I wash it down with the milk.
That way it doesn't get soggy.
Oh.
[KNOCKING.]
Mr.
Jefferson.
Come in.
GEORGE: Morning.
George, what are you doing away from the store? Don't worry.
I left Lionel in charge.
Mrs.
Bunker, this has nothing to do with you.
Where's your husband? He just went upstairs to bed.
Well, I gotta talk to him.
It's important.
Oh, well, all right.
Come on in.
I'm sure he ain't asleep yet.
Archie, are you in bed yet? ARCHIE: No, not yet, Edith.
I'm looking out the window.
Do you know the Jeffersons left their shades up? Did you know they was putting new wallpaper on the wall of their bedroom? Holy cow, them coloreds are wild about stripes.
Bunker, come down here! ARCHIE: That don't sound like your voice, Edith.
No, Archie.
We've got company.
Yeah, so I see.
Thanks for letting me know.
Bunker, take a look at this.
It's a $20 bill.
What did you do, hit a number? You gave me $20 when you picked up your cleaning just now and I gave you $18 change.
Well, I remember.
So what? So my $18 was good.
This 20 is counterfeit.
What? Are you sure, George? I wouldn't be here if I wasn't sure.
Look, I checked these serial numbers against our list.
This is 89170412.
These are counterfeit serial numbers.
They sound like real numbers to me.
Let's just say you passed this phony on to me by accident.
So now all you have to do is reach into your wallet and give me a real one on purpose.
Listen, I ain't no counterfeiter.
The $20 bill I gave you was perfectly good currency of the realm.
That was printed on 100 percent U.
S.
Government realm.
Get out of the way, Edith.
You didn't even look at the bill.
Certainly I looked at it.
I look at all big bills.
I remember where I got that $20.
I only got one last night.
I remember the guy that give it to me.
And he wasn't no counterfeiter.
How do you know he wasn't? Ah, come on, Jefferson.
I know people.
This was a very classy guy.
He was dressed up to the nines in a sharp coat that had one of them velvet collars, and one of them pearl-gray hamburgers on his head.
Archie, isn't it possible he passed the bill to you without knowing it? Oh, no.
No way, Louise.
This was a rich guy! Rich guys know all about money.
They was brung up on money.
That's how much you know! Rich guys never even see any money.
All they've got in their pocket is credit cards.
All they know is "Charge it," "I'll sign for it" and "Sue me.
" Well, don't get yourself all excited.
Let's have a look at the bill, huh? I don't want to touch it.
Just hold it out there where I can see it.
Now I got you, Jefferson.
That ain't the 20 I give you.
See, I'm awful careful with my big bills so they don't get mixed up in the little bills, and get give away in change, see.
I take the trouble-- I turn down a corner there.
I call that the Bunker fold.
And there ain't no Bunker fold in that.
It did have a fold there in the corner.
I straightened it out when I put it in the cash register.
I call it the Jefferson press.
Well, nevertheless, prove it.
Bunker, if I don't get my money right now, you're gonna find yourself on top of the "10 Most Sorry Honky" list.
Jefferson, would you care to step outside? I'm ready.
Good.
Then step outside.
I'm going to bed.
See that, Bunker? I knew you didn't have the guts to step outside.
You know, you are a very small man.
I'd hate for money to mean that much to me.
Money don't mean nothing to me.
What are you talking about? I'll show you what money means to me.
What are we talking about? Twenty dollars, huh? Okay.
Ten.
Twenty.
There you are, Edith.
Buy yourself a new hat.
See that? I just threw 20 away on the old lady.
All right, Bunker, let's step outside.
Can't we all sit down and talk this over? Can't you just stay out of this? This here is between Jefferson and me and Jefferson and me, we're going to settle this like gentlemen.
Now, Jefferson, get out.
I ain't going nowhere.
I ain't finished with you yet.
Well, I'm finished with you.
Louise, can I see you for a minute in the kitchen? Yes.
Louise, what are we gonna do about this? I don't know.
I've never seen such a stubborn man in all of my life.
Me neither.
I never knew George could be that way.
I was talking about Archie.
Are you saying Archie is wrong? Well, I hope you're not saying George is wrong.
You heard Archie tell George he didn't give him that bad bill.
Don't you believe what he said? Yes and no.
What do you mean? Yes, I believe he said it and, no, I don't believe what he said.
What are you getting so excited about? I'll tell you what to do with that bill.
Take that bill up to Harlem and pass it there.
What? Don't get excited! Just shove it on some guy up there.
It'll make the rounds, it'll wind up in the hands of some white guy who sells purple Cadillacs.
And who the hell cares about him, huh? Don't believe everything Archie says.
He's got you brainwashed.
Don't you have a mind of your own? Yes, I do.
Then use it.
Everything George said made perfectly good sense.
To you, maybe, but not to me.
There, you see? I'm using my own mind.
And you can't say it's because I'm listening to Archie because he ain't here.
Not only that, he ain't all there.
You won't listen to what I'm trying to-- Nothing you say makes any difference to me.
I'm trying to-- You can talk until you're blue in the face, which, come to think of it, in your case, would be an improvement.
Hey, Jefferson, don't you think you can walk away saying that to me.
Hey, your wife is still here.
Wait till you see what I'm going to say to her.
It's obvious we have nothing more to say to each other.
Ever.
[SLAMS DOOR.]
Louise! LOUISE: Goodbye! Oh! Hey, Louise, listen-- Where is she? She's gone.
Well, it's a good thing she is.
You should have heard what I had in my mind to say to her.
What's the matter with you? I just had a fight with Louise and I feel terrible.
Can't you do nothing right? I just had a fight with her husband and I feel wonderful.
I'm proud of you, Louise, proud of you.
Finally come to your senses.
You see, them people can be all sweetness and light but when it comes down to the nitty, they always show their true color: white.
What's the matter with you? You mad at me or something? No, I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at me.
Well, either way, it's spoiling my lunch.
How could I have let myself get into a fight with Edith? All she was doing was defending her husband.
Even Perry Mason couldn't do that, and he ain't never lost a case.
If I was any kind of a friend, I'd be over there apologizing to Edith right now.
Why don't you do that, Louise.
Do you mean that? Sure, go on over there and apologize to her.
But leave your key here because you ain't getting back into this house.
I'll have to come back, George.
I made your mother a solemn promise never to leave you while you were crazy.
Never mind that.
Just remember, you did the right thing sticking up for your husband, because blood is thicker than water.
What blood are you talking about, George? We're not related, we're only married.
Now, there's only one way we can get out of this mess.
You and Archie are going to get together and make up.
All right, I'll do that.
Good.
When Moms Mabley elopes with Lester Maddox.
I can't.
Ma, you know that neither Archie or Mr.
Jefferson is going to admit that he's wrong.
You and Louise have to be the peacemakers.
I know.
But who's gonna make the first move? Whoever wants to make up the most.
Oh, Ma, you going over there to see Louise? Yeah, I am, right now.
I'm gonna find out which one wants to make up the most.
[GASPS.]
It's a tie! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Oh! Oh! You two want me to make you some coffee? Oh, that'd be nice.
I'll help you, Gloria.
Come on, sit down right over here.
Oh, Louise, I feel so much better.
So do I.
I don't know what came over us.
Neither do I.
Louise, remember that $20 Archie gave me to buy a new hat? Well, I don't need a new hat.
I wish you'd take it and give it to George.
Well, thanks, Edith, but wouldn't it be better if Archie gave it back himself? I don't know how we'll ever get him to do that.
I know how.
Does Archie need anything cleaned? I was gonna bring in his winter coat.
Perfect.
Get it, Edith.
All right.
But I could bring it down to the store myself.
No, I want George to get it fast.
The first thing he does when he gets cleaning is go all through the pockets.
We're going to put this in here.
And George will find it and maybe he'll think it's Archie's way of saying he made a mistake without coming out and saying it.
Oh, Louise, that's a wonderful idea.
That reminds me of the Ten Commandments.
Which one? The one by Cecil B.
DeMille.
You remember the part where Moses' mother puts him in a little basket and floats him down the river on purpose so that Pharaoh's daughter can find him by accident and he can grow up and be Charlton Heston? George, I have Archie Bunker's coat.
It needs cleaning.
Uh-uh.
No way.
Now, you take that mangy coat back over there.
He tried to put something over on me.
He thinks I'm stupid because I'm black.
Then you be bigger than him.
You just turn the other cheek.
That won't do no good.
My other cheek's black too.
You know, I wish I'd never left Harlem to move in next door to those ugly Bunkers.
What are you talking about? If I still lived in Harlem, I could really get even with him.
How? By leaving Harlem and moving in next door to him all over again.
George, you are going to clean his coat.
I'll take it to the store myself.
Go on and take it, then.
Well, look at this! Money! Another 20 bucks.
Hey, these 10s are good.
Solid.
You're not really going to keep that money? No, I'm not going to keep it.
Good.
I'm going to spend it.
Okay, go ahead.
Let Archie have the last laugh.
Now where are you coming from? Isn't it obvious he put it here on purpose for you to find it? It's Archie's way of apologizing.
No.
You think so? Let me put it this way.
When was the last time we found $20 in one of Archie Bunker's pockets? You're right.
He's trying to make me look bad.
He ain't gonna get away with this.
Where are you going? If anybody's gonna have the last laugh, I'm gonna have it first.
Can't sleep.
There's no air in this house.
There's no air in New York.
Maybe you can't sleep because of the argument you had with Mr.
Jefferson.
Oh, I wouldn't lose any sleep over that argument.
I won it, didn't I? I think when two people fight, nobody wins.
Jeez, that'd be great news for Jack Dempsey, you know that? He could give up his restaurant.
He's still a champ.
I was talking about fighting over money.
By the way, give me back that 20 bucks I give you.
What 20 bucks? What I give you to buy yourself a new hat, which I didn't mean in the first place, seeing as I was only trying to get Jefferson off my back twenty bucks.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, there's the bell! I'll get it.
Whoever it is, tell them to get out of here.
Louise, George, come in.
Archie, look who's here.
Oh, gee.
What have you got this time, Jefferson? A wooden nickel? Louise? Remember, last laugh.
Uh-huh.
Bunker, this is yours.
What's mine? This $20 we found in your coat your wife sent down to be cleaned.
Twenty dollars--? You got that in my coat and that's mine? That $20 here? Hey, Edith! What is that? Oh, Archie.
I should have checked the pockets.
I'm sorry.
Oh, gee, I ain't mad at you, darling.
Whoop-de-do.
Hey.
Hey.
I never would have believed I left that kind of dough in that coat.
And you wouldn't have known it if Mr.
Jefferson hadn't found it.
He could have kept the money, but he's an honest man.
Hey, Jefferson.
Nice to see you.
See you round.
Let's go, Louise.
I've laughed enough for one day.
Wait! Wait a minute.
Archie, can I see you? You're looking at me.
Archie! Since you got back $20 you didn't know you had and since Mr.
Jefferson had a loss because of the bad bill, I think you should share this with him.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
I think you should give him at least half of it.
You'd still be ahead $10.
Oh, please, Archie.
Be fair.
Don't tell me what to do.
Get out of the way.
Jefferson, I'm going to be fair.
Seeing as there was a loss here and you and me was both involved in the loss, well, maybe we ought to share this.
So here's $10.
Thanks.
All right.
Fair enough? That's nice, Archie.
Wait a second, Arch.
That's not fair.
You're ahead way more than $10.
Listen to the meatheaded college boy over there.
I'm holding $10 in my hand.
Show me where I'm way more ahead than that.
Look, Arch, you gave Mr.
Jefferson a phony $20 bill.
I didn't know nothing about that.
It doesn't make any difference! The point is he gave you $18 of real money in change plus $2 worth of cleaning services: that's $20.
Add to that the 20 that he found in your coat pocket and returned to you because he's an honest man.
That's $40 you're ahead.
Hold it! I just give the man $10 there.
All right, so you're ahead $30.
Thirty dollars? But the fact remains, he gave you $18 cash.
You only gave him $10 back.
Why don't you give him the other $8 you owe? I ain't going to give him no $8.
Arch, you'll still be ahead 22 bucks.
Wait a minute.
How do you figure that? Thirty minus eight is twenty-two.
You're $22 ahead.
I'm 22 ahead? Thirty? Huh? Minus eight? All right, if I'm $22-- I can add up myself! Jefferson, er, as long as I'm $22 ahead here, and I figure if I-- How much should I give him? Eight dollars.
All right, $8.
So I'll give you a $10 bill.
Give me two ones.
I ain't got no change.
But he ain't got no change.
I ain't got no change.
Who's got change? No, I don't.
I didn't bring my purse.
Oh, jeez, I ain't got no singles here.
Arch, he gave you $18 worth of change.
You've got to have at least three singles.
I bought seven cigars and a malted.
Is that okay with you? Would this help? I owe Louise $3 from the groceries yesterday.
That'll help.
How does that help? Give me the $10.
Wait a minute! Arch, you were going to give Mr.
Jefferson $8, right? Add $3 to that for the groceries.
That's $11 you owe Mr.
Jefferson.
Here's a $10 bill, Mr.
Jefferson.
Now, Archie, all you owe Mr.
Jefferson is $1.
How do I owe him $1? No, Daddy, that's not right.
No, that ain't right, little girl.
Help me here.
Daddy, you're forgetting about the $2 Mr.
Jefferson's still out for the cleaning.
You owe him $3.
That ain't no help! She's right, Arch.
You owe him $3.
Here, give me 5.
Wait a minute here! Here, Mr.
Jefferson.
Here's $5.
Now you owe Archie $2.
Well, at least he owes me $2.
Somebody owes me something here! Remember, now.
You owe me $2.
All right.
All right, talking of owings, here, what about the $5 you owe me? I give you $5 last week, I loaned it to you to buy pizza for yourself and Gloria.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot, Archie.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I forgot! I'm sorry! Gloria, could you give me $5 to give to Archie? Oh, sure, honey.
Let me get my purse.
ARCHIE: Yeah, get the purse, huh? No, wait a minute, Daddy.
There's something wrong here.
Yeah, there's something wrong, little girl, huh? Yeah, you owe me 10.
That's what's wrong? Yeah, don't you remember last week I loaned you $10 when you didn't have enough money to pay the plumber for fixing the drip in the sink? Oh, holy cow.
Yeah.
What have you got there? Two fives? There's my ten.
Wait a minute! There's the five you wanted.
Thank you very much.
Here's the five I owe you for the pizza.
We're all square.
Wait, wait.
Not quite all square.
You're damn right not quite all square.
Remember, George, you still owe Archie $2.
Give it to him.
Yeah, somebody give me something, huh? I'm feeling awful light here.
Give him the $2.
I don't have change.
I know how to fix this! ARCHIE: How? Michael, remember you and Daddy still owe Lionel $7 for the ball game tickets from last Saturday.
That's right! I forgot.
Here, give me the $5.
Wait a minute! Mr.
Jefferson, here's $5.
Now, with the two you owe Archie, you add that to the $5, that makes 7.
You give that to Lionel.
That squares us with Lionel and squares you with Archie.
Everything's perfect.
Everybody's paid off.
GLORIA: Michael, that's right.
How is everybody paid off? I had $35 in my hand.
I'm standing here holding nothing! Now, don't nobody move! Because we're going to start this whole transfaction over and we're gonna do it slow, right from the very beginning.
All right.
It all started when you gave me this phony 20.
Now you've got it back.
Bye.
Come on, Louise.
Goodbye, everybody.
You could have fooled me with this.
I would never know how to tell the difference between this and a good $20 bill.
Here, let me show you.
Give me the bill.
The difference is this.
A phony $20 bill is worth nothing.
But a good $20 bill is worth $10.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.