All In The Family s08e01 Episode Script
Archie Gets the Business
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Hey, Kelcy, you got a visitor.
Yeah? Who? Archie here! Ah, come on, quit your kiddin'.
Jeez, how are ya? Hey, I brought you a little present here, huh? Cigar.
This is a goodie.
It's a 50-cent one, you know? It ain't a Havana, but Puerto Rican Harlem, that's as close to Havana as we want to get.
Thanks, Archie, but I ain't allowed to smoke no more.
That's what I figured there.
You had me scared.
Hey, you give us all a time down in the saloon, you know? Somebody said the priest had you penciled in for Wednesday.
Nah, it was a mild heart attack.
What? Hiya, Kelcy! Hey, Arch, what are you doin' here? You said he was a goner.
I never said that.
How's things down at the bar? Oh, it's hummin' tonight.
Me and Carlos could've used a third bartender.
Hey, uh, a little rememberance from me and the misses.
Thanks, Harry.
Well, Kelcy, you know, I would've brung you flowers, too, but I read in a magazine that they suck up all the carbon monoxygen in the air.
Well, Harry, what's the answer? I came to tell you, Kelce, but I didn't know there was gonna be anybody here.
Well, there's only me.
Yeah, Arch, would you mind just steppin' outside? Don't send me out in that hall.
There's a guy layin' on a table out there with hoses up his nose.
- Go ahead, Harry.
- Yeah, go ahead.
Don't take no notice of me.
Just make like I ain't here, that's all.
Well, listen, Kelce-- Uh, Harry, is this nice in my face? Would you mind? Talk, talk.
I ain't listenin'.
I'm still tryin' to raise the money.
The money for what? Harry, I'm a businessman.
I sell to the first guy who meets my price.
Price of what? Arch, this is a private matter.
We're all pals here, ain't we? Harry here's tryin' to raise the money to buy the bar.
What? Harry wants to buy the bar? Will you butt out? Kelcy, are you sellin' Kelcy's? The doc says I oughtta retire, and thanks to the bar, I can afford it.
Hey, look, Kelce, look.
I gotta a friend who's got a friend who's very interested in goin' in with me.
All I ask is you give me a little time.
Don't give him nothin' here.
Will you stay outta this? No! Harry, first come, first served.
Hey, don't you think you oughtta go back to the bar? You don't wanna leave Carlos alone too long.
No, you don't want to do that.
You better get goin'.
Yeah, I gotta get back.
I sure hope you don't sell it to nobody else, Kelce.
Nice seein' ya, Arch.
No nice to be nasty there, Harry.
Hey, feel good, Kelce.
I don't want you to take a turn for the "nurse.
" Ha ha ha! Aw, gee, ain't he a crude palooka? Ya sellin' him the bar? Why not? I mean, Harry ain't no boss.
Kelcy, you're a boss.
Harry ain't no more than me, an ordinary workin' stiff.
When I bought the bar, I was a workin' stiff, just like you.
Didn't need no brains.
No kiddin'? Not only that, I had a boss that hollered.
Aw, jeez, tell me about that.
Biggest day of my life was when I hollered back at him.
Then I borrowed the money and bought the bar.
And you lived wealthily ever after, huh? You know any workin' stiff that can afford to pay cash for a heart attack? Jeez, I sure don't, Kelce.
That bar's a gold mine, Arch.
There's always business.
When things are good, they come in to celebrate.
When things are bad, they come in to drown their troubles.
And you know that apartment house they're talkin' about buildin' down at the corner? That could mean 400 new thirsty tongues hangin' out.
Undertakers and saloon-keepers, Archie-- they never starve.
How much you askin'? 40,000.
Oh, jeez.
20,000 down, and I'll take back a note for 20.
I want it, Kelcy.
I want that saloon.
Like I told Harry-- first come, first served.
Oh, that's only fair, only fair.
I'm gonna be the first to come.
Aahhh! Kelcy, easy.
Jeeeezzz.
Take it easy.
Don't get away from me now, you know? I'm gonna go away.
I'm gonna look into this.
I'm gonna look into this, Kelcy.
Oh, about poor Harry here-- - What about him? - To hell with him! [TITTERING.]
Close the door! [TITTERING.]
Ooohhh! Hey, Edith! [TITTERING.]
Hey, Edith.
Hey, Edith, wake up.
Edith.
Hey, Edith, wake up, I wanna talk to ya.
Hey, Edith.
Edith, Edith, Edith! Ohh! Ooohhhh! Hello, Archie! Edith! Edith! I'm glad I found you awake, Edith.
Yeah.
[YAWNS.]
I want to talk to you awake.
Oh, yeah.
All right, Archie.
I got somethin' important to tell ya.
Yeah, all right.
What is it? Kelcy is retirin'.
He's gonna sell his saloon.
What? Kelcy's sellin' his saloon.
Listen to me here.
Oh.
Ohhh.
Oh, well, don't worry, Archie, you'll find someplace else to drink.
That ain't it.
That ain't it.
Wake up! All right, I'm awake, I'm awake.
Listen to me.
I wanna buy Kelcy's saloon from him.
Oh-- You're jokin'! No, no, I ain't jokin'.
Oh, Archie, you can't do that! No? Why? Well, I mean you can't run a bar at night and--and do your job in the daytime.
You know what? The hell with that job! The hell with the job.
I'm quittin' the job.
You know what I want to do to that job? [IMITATES BURBLING WATER.]
Down the toilet with the job! You can't do that! You'll lose your pension! Pension! Pension! Do you know what happens to all them union pension funds? They all go to the Mafia.
I'll never collect on that unless I want to spend my dying days in Sicily! Well, what about your Social Security? Social Security? I can't collect on that for another 12 years, Edith.
And with the Democrats in there, they'll run through all that Social Security money before we have a chance to run 'em outta there! That's true! Didn't you read where they're sellin' the post offices to pay the rent on the White House? No, I never heard that.
Well, read the National Enquirer-- the only paper that'll give you the truth nowadays! Listen.
Listen.
- Listen, Edith, Edith.
- Yeah.
Now, think of it this way.
- Edith-- - Yeah, what, Archie? Supposing all my figuring is wrong, and I die first.
Huh? Now, think of that, Edith.
Now, what's to become of you there? Huh? You'll spend your last days in a home for the aged, see? A raggedy, muffledy old bag gummin' gruel! Do you want to spend your last days with a bowl of gruel? Oh, Archie, you're talkin' crazy.
No, no, no, I ain't.
If I can do this thing, I--I can take us out of all that.
I can be somebody, see? Oh, Archie, you don't have to be somebody.
I love ya right now when you're nobody! Aahhh! Listen to me, Edith.
All my life, I been a guy, they're always tellin' me what to do, you know? Someone's always tellin' me, even now-- I'm a middle-aged man-- down on the job, someone's always yellin', "Bunker, move them crates off the loadin' dock!" When I was little kid, the teachers, "Bunker, sit in the corner! Blow your nose!" When I was a young fella in the war, "Bunker, hand that chicken back to the wops!" For a change in my life, I want to tell people where to go and what to do.
Yeah, I know, Archie.
You wanna raise yourself up.
That's it! That's it! That's it! That's it! I want to raise myself up! I want to raise myself-- I wanna see my name on somethin', ya know? Somethin' besides just a lunch pail.
I wanna see Kelcy's Bar turned into Bunker's Bar, and for $20,000 down, Edith, that's all-- $20,000! Archie, how ya gonna get that much money? Credit, Edith, credit! Oh, no, not credit! What are ya talkin' about, "Not credit"? What's wrong with credit? It's the backbone of the USA economy! Credit's the only thing that stands between us and communism! Archie, we only got nineteen hundred and seventy-two dollars and forty-three cents in our savings account! Plus interest-- which, "we're sorry, but Federal regulations require a substantial penalty for early withdrawal"! Oh, Edith.
Oh, Archie, come on, get undressed and come to bed.
You're just dreamin'! No, no, no, I ain't dreamin'.
Edith, Edith, listen to me.
This is a once- in-a-lifetime chance! A once-in-a-lifetime chance comes only once or twice in a lifetime! Archie, we got everything we need! And besides, we're too old to start over.
Now, come on, get undressed and come to bed.
Too old to start over.
Jeez.
That's what you'd say to somethin' I want as much as this, huh? Ohh, Edith.
You know, it puts me in mind of when I was a kid about 12 years old, you know.
I used to go scratchin' all around the neighborhood lookin' for odd jobs to make myself a quarter-- rakin' leaves, runnin' errands, shovelin' snow, all of that.
I was savin' up for a bike, because a bike was the one thing I wanted more than anything else in life, see.
So after nearly two years of savin' up, my old man comes along and he says, "No bike for you, Meathead.
" He called you Meathead? Now, wasn't that a rotten thing to say? The man had no heart in him at all.
He took all my dough, and he put it, he said, into the bank for me.
I feel to you now, Edith, like the way I felt to him then.
I wanted to kick him right you-know-where.
Oh, well.
I--I didn't mean that.
Forget I said that, Edith.
I'm--I'm sorry I said that.
Well, I'm sorry too, Archie.
Yeah.
Well, I ain't so sure you're sorry, Edith.
I really don't think you're sorry at all.
This way please.
It's a swell-lookin' bank you got here.
Well, thank you.
The loan officer will be with you in a minute.
All right, thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello there.
Can I help you? No, thanks.
I'm just waitin' for the loan officer here.
I'm the loan officer.
Are you Mr.
Bunker? You're the loan officer? Yes, I am.
Jeez, I was sure the loan officer was gonna be-- a man.
Or a lady.
You know, a regular lady.
Oh, jeez.
Struck out twice, didn't you? Now, you're gonna ask me for a loan, right? I bet my chances ain't as good as they was about two minutes ago, huh? It won't affect the loan, as long as you don't want to marry my sister.
Ohh.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- Please sit down.
- Thank you very much there.
Hello, Ms.
Watson here.
Yes, I'm familiar with the Granville loan.
It matures on the 7th, but we've given an extension with an accelerated amortization and a cancellation of the mortgagee's obligation to a balloon payment.
You're welcome.
Whoop-de-do there.
We've come a long way from Roots, haven't we? Yeah, you said it.
I mean, Aunt Jemima could have never rattled that off.
You're a very smart girl, and you're gonna give me a loan, huh? First, I have a few questions.
Do you have an account here? At this particular point in time, no.
Why don't you go to your own bank for a loan? They know me there.
No, no, no, I mean-- I know them there, and I don't like them, you know.
I--I think I'm gonna move my assets over here to this bank.
Well, I don't trust 'em.
Listen, you walk in to a bank manager's office there, and all you see on his desk is travel photos, you know.
What kind of a loan did you have in mind? Well, I'm--I'm figurin' on goin' into a business adventures, you know.
So, I thought, twenty thou.
What kind of business? I'm gonna purchase an establishment for the dispenseration of wines, beers, and alcoholic spirituals and, um drinks of a liquorious nature.
A saloon.
Well, no, I-- a friendly, respectable neighborhood tavern, you know, where you could take your own mother in there with no fear that she's gonna be groped.
- Sounds high-class.
- Oh, A-1.
Do you have any collateral to guarantee the loan? Yeah, the best collateral in the world, the saloon itself.
You don't own that.
Mr.
Bunker, you have to show us that you're a good risk.
Oh, come on, there, do I look like some bum rollin' in off the street here? I'm a respectable guy, workin' the same job for 20 years.
I own my own house.
Is it encumbered? No, it's stucco and wood.
No, I mean do you own it free and clear? Oh! Plea-- Sure I do, own the whole thing outright there, and that house is the jewel of the block there.
I was offered forty-seven-five for the house there.
I could get fifty-two from a colored guy.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Unfortunately, business is business.
I think I may be able to recommend the loan.
Aww, terrific.
Say, I knew I was gonna like you, you know.
'Course, you's a little tough, you seemed to be, when I first sat down, but then it goes to show you can never judge a book by its color-- cover.
You're to complete this form.
Yeah, gimme it.
Sign here, and if the house is jointly owned, your wife signs here.
Oh, well, wait a minute, if I sign it, ain't that enough for ya? Not if it's jointly owned.
Ohh.
Well, there ain't gonna be no problem.
My wife will sign anything I put in front of her there, 'cause she's one of them old-fashioned missuses, you know? She ain't one of your modern, pain-in-the-neck missuses.
You know, present company suspected, there.
So, uh, I'll just get this signed, and I'll be back, and I want to thank you for your time.
Oh, jeez, I'm awful sorry! That's all right, Mr.
Bunker.
There's some down in your lap here.
Oh, jeez, I hope I didn't touch nothin'.
I'll get this all signed.
I'll bring it back as fast as I can.
You'll see, it'll all be in order, see.
Oh, jeez! I didn't know the toilets was that way.
Ma, you here? Oh, hi, Mike.
Hi, Ma.
How's Joey? Oh, he's fine.
Glorida took him on his first bus ride today.
You should've seen him.
He was so excited.
He jumped on the bus, hopped in the front seat, and said, "My chair, my chair.
" Wonder where he got that from.
Probably from Archie.
Yeah, Ma.
[SIGHS.]
What's the matter, Ma? Something botherin' you? Oh, no.
Well, yeah.
Well, yeah, no.
Yeah.
Is Archie still thinkin' about buyin' Kelcy's? I think it would be a terrible mistake.
Ma, you got nothing to worry about.
The only way Archie's gonna get $20,000 is if he prints it, and I don't think Archie can print.
Hey, hey, hey! I'm home, I'm home, I'm home.
Here back in the bosom of all your smilin' faces.
Edith, I don't see ya runnin' up to me as per usual, but don't make no difference.
You're lookin' beautiful standin' over there.
- Meathead.
- Just call me gorgeous.
Gorgeous, my chair, my chair.
Ladies and gentlemen, you see before youse a brand-new person here.
You'll never guess what happened to me today.
You had a sex change.
No, that's more in your line, Vasectomy Vic.
Edith, you're looking at a bona fide businessman here.
I just started to arrange the finances for the purchase of Kelcy's bar.
Wait, wait, wait, wait a second.
Wait a second.
Who would lend you that kind of money? - I ain't sayin'.
- You can't say.
- I wouldn't say.
- I dare ya to say.
- I won't say.
- Say it! The bank! And what did you give them in return? Somethin' that you ain't got--my word.
Oh, come on, Arch.
You're tellin' me a bank is gonna lend you $20,000 on your word alone.
Well, my word, plus-- - Plus what? - I ain't sayin'! - You can't say.
- I wouldn't say.
- I dare you to say.
- I won't say it.
- Say it! - Mortgage! A mortgage on what? What the hell do you usually get a mortgage on? - A mortgage on the house? - You're clever.
- You can't use the house, Arch.
- Our house? You're gonna mortgage our house? Ma, Ma, don't worry.
He can't possibly do that without your signature.
Will you shut up? But don't that mean if somethin' happens to the bar they could take away our house? Don't be hollerin' like you're out on the sidewalk already.
Why do you always look on the dark side? That's all she sees, livin' with you.
I got two things to say to you.
First is, why don't you take a walk? The second is [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Okay, goodbye, Ma.
I'm holdin' the door for you.
All right, goodbye, Arch.
Why is it-- Why is it that I always leave this house under a cloud? I wouldn't know, but sometime I'd like to see you leavin' this house under arrest.
Archie, we can't take that chance, not with our house! Please, Archie! Wait! How ya gonna get ahead in life if you don't take a chance? Oh, gee, why do you always-- Ya gotta have some confidence in me here, Edith.
I know what I'm doin'.
Don't worry about it.
Please listen, Archie.
When I was a little girl-- Don't make it a long story, Edith.
No, it ain't long.
See, we was livin' in the Depression It's so sad! and my father was so scared somebody'd come and take away the house and we'd all have to go on relief.
Archie, I ain't scared of much, but I'm sure scared of losin' our home.
Edith, please, you bring up your father.
In the first place, he's in his grave, Edith.
In the second place, he was a dope, and I ain't.
Now, Edith, sit down here.
Sit down and let me explain it to ya here.
Just sit down.
You don't have to worry about nothin'.
I brought this home from the bank.
It's all perfectly legal.
People do this every day.
What is that? What is it? This is just a document from the bank, and all ya gotta do is to put your name down here.
Now, listen-- but don't be readin' the fine print.
It'll make your eyeballs bounce.
- Just sign it there.
- What is it? I told you, it's from the bank, Edith.
When you sign it there, you probably get some kind of premium gift they give away-- you know, a pack of ballpoint pens or somethin' like that, or a waffle iron, or one of them digitalis clocks or somethin', so just sign.
"Residential loan appli--" Mortgage! Oh, no, Archie, no! I can't sign that! No, we ain't mortgagin' our house! I mean, it's my house too, you know.
Now, listen, let me tell you somethin'.
I sweat my britches off for this here house.
I didn't hear you complainin' all them years that I'm pourin' all my hard-earned money into the house.
Now I want to take a little money out of the house, you're against that.
Why, when this is a thing that I want? I need this! I gotta have this! No, Archie, I'm sorry.
I can't sign it! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute there! What the hell has happened to you? You used to be a quiet little-- sometimes you'd think you was a Japanese girl.
I don't know.
I guess I'm different now, and I ain't gonna let nobody take our house! [MOCKING.]
I ain't gonna let nobody take away our house! [DOOR CLOSES UPSTAIRS.]
This is all the fault of that Helen Curly Steinway! Ohh! Ooh.
[OBJECTS RATTLE LOUDLY.]
Edith.
"E" "D" "IT.
" You're gonna thank me for this one of these days, Edith Bunker.
"BUN" ker" Ma, can I have some more pancakes? Oh, sure, Mike.
Ma! Ma, where you goin'? They're right over here.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Here ya are.
Thanks.
Ma, syrup, please.
No, thank you.
- Here you are, honey.
- Thanks.
ARCHIE: Ah, this is awful! Ow! What's he doing up there? I think he's trying to get his 50th shave out of the same blade.
[ARCHIE MOANS LOUDLY.]
Guess he didn't make it.
Where did Sybil Gooley take Joey, Ma? That saloon.
The saloon? I hate that place.
She took Joey to Kelcy's? Who took Joey to Kelcy's? Sybil Gooley? Sybil Gooley took Joey to Kelcy's bar? Well, that's what you just said! I told her to take him to the park! Why would she do a thing like that? Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! She took him to the park.
Are you sure? Well, that's where Ma told her to take him.
You just got each other all mixed up here.
Ma, Ma, what is the matter with you? Well, I want to know how Archie got $20,000 to buy Kelcy's bar! I mean, he couldn't mortgage the house without me signing.
He must've borrowed from his friends.
What friends? Daddy has dozens of friends-- Hank, Pinky, Barney.
Any one of them would have to give an IOU to a mugger! Maybe he borrowed on his GI insurance.
Oh, he couldn't do that.
He didn't keep it up.
Why not? He said that if he died, he didn't want me to be stuck with the premiums.
I hope he didn't go to a shark.
A shark! You know, Ma, a loan shark.
One of these guys.
ARCHIE: Edith! - You ask him.
- Okay.
Edith, will ya look at me standing here? Will you look at that poor face on me here? How many times have I begged you on hands and knees, never use my razor? Did you go to a loan shark? Can't you say hello first? Hello.
Did you go to a loan shark? Hello.
None of your damn business.
Archie, I'd like to know.
- Yeah, Daddy.
- All right, wait-- Now, wait a minute! Listen to me, all of youse.
I done a hard day's work yesterday, right? I drove a cab until 12 midnight.
From 12 midnight till 4 a.
m.
, I'm down at my new saloon going over the inventory.
I'm in no mood to play 120 questions with nobody.
Did you go to a loan shark? I already told you, I went to the bank.
Why would a bank lend you $20,000? 'Cause without toilet paper all over it, I got an honest face.
What did you use for collateral? "Collateral"! That's an awful big word for a little girl.
Come on! What'd you put up for security? I put up you and Joey! I'm gonna find out what you used for collateral! Oh, he's biting my hand! [ALL YELLING.]
Would you cut it out? What's the matter with you? Since she's 3 years old, she's been doing that to my fingers.
She does it to my toes.
How did you get that loan? Michael says there's no way-- "Michael says, Michael says, Michael says.
" It's a wonder a guy who's always got his mouth so full can squeeze out so many words between the food.
That's so funny.
That is so funny.
He's doing it for us there! Could you swallow, honey.
All I know is there is something rotten in the state of Denmark.
Ah, listen to the big professor! Denmark ain't no state, buddy, it's the capital of Colorado, all right? Daddy! Aahhh! Stuck a cotton-pickin' fork into my finger here! I want to see that loan agreement! You ain't got no right to see nothin'! Your mother's got a right to see the loan agreement, but she don't wanna see it because she trusts her husband, right? - Yes, I do.
- Huh huh huh! I mean I do wanna see the loan agreement! Huh huh huh! Well, you ain't gonna see it! I don't carry important documents around on me.
- Where is it? - I lost it.
You lost an important document like that? Well, how do you know I didn't put it into a strongbox? You don't have a strongbox.
We've got a cigar box.
And a damn strong one! I'll go get it! No, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Stop, stop, stop, Edith! I didn't say I put it up there, did I? Archie, you're acting like you done something wrong.
Edith, Edith, there ain't nothin' wrong.
I swear on my mother's life.
Your mother is dead.
I swear on her grave, then.
She was cremated.
All right, Edith, I swear on her jar, for God's sakes! You know as much about that loan as you need to know.
It's a $20,000 loan, at eight and a half percent interest "piranha.
" Sounds an awful lot like a mortgage to me.
Ah [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
to you! Do you have to do that? It's such a no-class thing.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
I don't understand it.
You couldn't possibly have gotten a mortgage unless somehow you got Ma's signature on a piece of paper What the hell you staring at? Don't you give me the finger there! Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat! Michael, are you suggesting that Daddy forged Ma's signature? Oh, Archie would never do that! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I want to see that paper.
I want you to go home and clean your room.
Gloria, maybe we'd better go.
I have classes today.
On Saturday? Yeah, Saturday classes, honey.
Come on.
Ma, thanks a lot for the breakfast.
I won't forget you bit me.
Don't come back.
Archie! Edith, I only got one thing to say before I gotta get down to work at the saloon.
Now, them two young people, they got their own home right across the alley there, and I think it's a damn shame every Saturday morning they hang their noses out the window, and they smell you making the pancakes, and they trot over here with their tongues hanging out like a couple of dogs.
Now, that ain't right! I ask you, don't you agree with me? Yes or no? Did you sign my name? You didn't answer my question, Edith.
Did you? Edith, that ain't an important question at this time.
Archie! How could you do that? Now, take it easy, Edith.
Now, don't get yourself all excited, 'cause I want to remind you, the loan agreement was there in front of us, and you run away from me-- you leave me with the pen in my hand.
Now, my signature was already on there, so there wasn't any sense in putting it on there again, right? The line called for your signature, Edith Bunker, see? And, uh, there was nobody else around to sign it, so, uh ipso "fatso" All I done was take an old check from the drawer with your signature on it there and I brung it over here and I traced the thing.
That's forgery! No, it's tracery.
You signed my name! I had to do it.
You signed away my half of this house! Oh, gee, Edith, I knew it would make you happy in the years to come.
Edith, listen to me-- - Don't call me Edith! - Why not? There ain't no more Edith.
I mean, you signed my name away! Oh, come on, will you? Edith ain't nowhere! What are you talking about? What is it--? What are you talking about, your name? Like the guy says, "A rose by any other name, still, it needs water.
" You took my name! Edith, Edith, this never woulda happened if you'd-a stood by me out there.
And y-you run away.
Now, listen, Edith, I didn't do it just for me.
I done it for you too.
What do you want to be the rest of your life, a nobody little housewife? I'm raising you up in society.
You'll be the wife of a saloon keeper there, Edith! You know, we're gonna do great things.
We're gonna bring help into the house for you-- a brand-new vacuum cleaner, Edith, with all the latest attractions there-- you know, a long pipe that sucks the drapes and everything.
Edith, come on.
This is gonna mean money to us.
We'll be able to leave a little dough to our grandchild.
Poor Joey! His grandfather is a forger! A tracer, I told you, a tracer! Well, I ain't gonna stay here and have you hurt my feelings.
I got work to do down at my saloon.
Well, you'd better go down to your saloon and tell 'em down there that your wife is married to a forger, and that your daughter has a father for a forger, and your son-in-law's father-in-law's a forger! Let me tell you one thing, Edith Bunker! If you ain't got no concern for the next 40, 50 years of your life, you ought to thank God that you have a husband who has! You ain't got no right to worry about my life in the next 50 years! I'll do that! Well, when are you gonna do it? I don't know, but I'll work that out myself, thank you.
And wait a minute! You'd better figure out how you're gonna get my half of this house back! Aww! Wait a minute! I think-- I--I think you got one hell of a nerve! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh! Oh! Oh, hi, Mike.
Oh, what did you say? I said [CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, that's nice.
Ma.
You all right? [SHAKEN.]
Yeah.
You want some cake? No, thanks, Ma.
Are you all right? Ma, what's the matter? He forged my name.
I've been married to Archie for 30 years.
I never thought he'd do a thing like that.
What are you gonna do, Ma? You gonna throw him in jail? Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
Then you're gonna have to learn to live with it.
I don't know how.
Ma Archie must have wanted that bar awfully bad to do a terrible thing like he did, right? Yeah.
Remember what you once said to me in this kitchen? You told me that the only reason that Archie got mad at me all the time was because he was jealous of the fact that I had all the opportunities that he never had.
He resented me because he never had a chance to better himself.
Well, now he's got that chance, Ma.
In Archie's mind, it's--it's a chance for him to be somebody, and, uh, I don't think you can take that away from him.
But what if he don't make a go of it? Then he's gonna need your support more than ever.
But who knows? Maybe he will.
It could be a success.
Miracles can happen, Ma.
Remember, the Mets won the World Series in 1969.
Oh, it's just like my cousin Mildred, from Bay Ridge.
See, she was married to Mr.
Brown, and Mr.
Brown had a dream.
See, he always wanted a used car lot, 'cause he wanted to wear a coonskin cap and do television commercials.
And they did it! Him and Mildred mortgaged their house, and they opened a used car lot.
And there he was on TV, wiping the prices off the windshields and hollering, "No cash down with Coonskin Brown.
" See? And he made a fortune, right? No, he went broke.
But still, he had his dream.
Oh, Mike.
Thank you! You know something, Ma? What? I'd like some of that cake.
Oh, yeah! Six Cutty, six Fleischmann's, Arch.
A case of Ambassador.
Arch.
Six V.
O.
, six Fleischmann's, a case of Ambassador.
Archie! I heard ya.
Hey, Carlos, go--go on back down.
I'll be with ya in a couple of minutes.
All right, Harry.
What's the matter, Arch? Ain't ya feelin' good? Ahh, it ain't me.
It's Edith.
What, she sick? Yes, she's sick-- of me.
Oh.
Her too, huh? Ha ha ha ha ha.
Step away from me, will ya, barkeep? And when you're over there, get me a bourbon.
- Comin' up.
- Come to think of it it's the first time I ever ordered a drink in here I didn't have to reach in my own pocket and pay.
You're the boss.
'Course, you could leave a gratuity.
I ain't leavin' nothin', not even a tip.
Uh, Arch, I'm, uh-- I'm gonna go on down and, uh, help Carlos check out the rest of the cases, huh? Eh, go ahead.
Are ya open for business? Well, no, we ain't.
Well, uh uhI mean-- I mean, we could be open, you know? Uh, I'm the boss, and what I say goes.
Yeah, yeah, we're, uh-- we're open for business here.
What'll it be there, good-lookin'? Lemonade.
It ain't a health-food bar, Edith.
Can't you order something with a little pazazz? Beer? Yeah! Yeah, a beer! Park ya carcass there on the stool.
Yeah, be right with ya there.
Well, it's nice to see you drinkin' so early in the mornin'.
No, never reach, never reach, Edith.
Wait'll the bartender puts up one of these little doilies for you.
See? First thing that goes up there is the peanuts, and then a couple of nappies for you there, see? Oh! You did that so nice! I did? Listen, I can really be a success in this business, Edith.
I mean it, now.
See, all I need to be is a great host, and all I need to be for that is just as gracious as ever I was in our own home.
Whaddya gotta do for that? Lemme show ya.
First of all, people come in the front door, you don't stand behind the bar like a lump.
Ya hop out from behind the bar, big smile on the face, and greet the people at the door.
Step right in, ladies and gents! What is it you want? A table for four? Well, it just so happens we have one free right over here.
Be seated.
Oh, no, sir, you don't give me a tip.
You're lookin' at the "entre-manure" here, huh? Yes, madam, sit down.
Then you seat the lady, you know? Ya slip the chair under her there.
May I take your coat, madam? No, you don't have to rise to have your coat taken.
I can take the coat off a lady while she's sittin' down.
Don't worry about your garment, madam.
We watch everything here.
Edith, look who's comin' in the door! W-who? Hank, Pinky, and Barney, they're coming in.
They're big drinkers.
Come on, boys, belly up to the bar.
Get your money out.
See? That's the way you do it.
See what's goin' on in that corner over there? Oh no.
There's a man gropin' a lady.
Oh, Archie! He didn't even bring her in here, see? He's an "interlooper.
" Hey, buddy over there! Take your hands off the lady! She didn't come in here to get picked up.
She's just a friendly little dignified neighborhood lush.
Oh, Archie.
Ya gotta handle all kinds of situations there.
Edith I'm gonna be so happy here in my own business.
Oh, Archie, I've been thinkin' Please don't do no more of that! I think that I was too tough on ya, and I'm sorry.
And you forgive me? Oh, of course, Archie.
Will you forgive me? Oh, Edith, you didn't do nothin' that I gotta forgive.
All that who-ha back at the house-- that was all my fault.
Oh, no, it was my fault for not helpin' you with your dream.
It was my fault for gamblin' everything we had and didn't even give you a shake of the dice.
No, it was my fault for not understandin'.
It was my fault for forging your name! Yeah, that was your fault.
Ya have to fling that back in my face? Jeez, Edith, you always do this! The first minute we get something beautiful goin', you got a way of sayin' things that just--I dunno-- that just breaks the whole "spill," ya know? Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.
I--I won't mention it again.
- Never no more, huh? - No, never.
I promise never to mention again that ya forged my name.
Archie, remember my cousin Mildred? With the one eye? No, no, that was Myrtle in Cincinnati.
This is Mildred, from Bay Ridge.
Aw, yeah, yeah.
Well, she was married to a Mr.
Brown.
Yeah, the guy that fell off of the roof.
Yeah, and he couldn't remember nobody in his family no more.
Well, see, Mr.
Brown had a dream.
He wanted to open a used car lot, remember? And go on TV and do commercials, remember? I remember it.
And he was hollerin', "No cash down BOTH: with Coonskin Brown.
" Well, Archie, you're just like him.
Whaddya mean I'm like him? The man went out of business! But, see, he had a dream! I remember his dream.
He said that Eleanor Roosevelt was his mother! But she didn't know nothin' about that.
See, Archie, like Mildred helped Coonskin Brown, no matter what happens, I want to help you make your dream come true.
That's what I need-- more of that.
You know something, Edith? Even though the years have went by, you still got the lips.
Oh, Archie! Oh, I'm gonna be so proud of ya! And this is gonna be a beautiful saloon! And you're gonna be the host with the most! Oh, you said it, Edith! And I can't tell ya the way I feel standing in the middle of my own saloon, my own business here! I got all kinds of plans for this joint, plans of my own! All my own ideas! Wait'll you hear, Edith.
Maybe we can get matching tablecloths and napkins, and we can redecorate the powder room! Yeah, get plenty of powder in there, 'cause it stinks! Yeah! Oh, and I'll take down them fightin' pictures and we'll put up George and Martha Washington.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Gee, no, don't put George and Martha up.
I mean, pictures of George and Martha, they always look like they don't want nobody to drink.
Well, maybe little animals, like squirrels and birds.
Don't do that.
Some of our customers, they get drinkin', they get awful scared of little animals.
- Well, kittens and dogs.
- No, no, no, Edith.
Edith! No, Edith, leave all the artwork--! Curtains on the door and on the window! No, no curtains, Edith.
We ain't runnin' an ice cream parlor here.
Oh, and we'll get rid of the pinball machine, 'cause that's gamblin'.
Edith, Edith, you get rid of the pinball machine, and a guy who smells like garlic will come around, kiss me on both cheeks, and put a hole in my head.
We can get new barstools! Don't do nothin'! No, Edith! No, hey! Now, cut it out, now! That's enough, Edith! Now, I don't wanna hear no more! This is my bar.
I'm the boss of this bar, and I'm the boss, and I'm the guy that says what goes! But you made me a partner! When did I do that? When you forged my name on the loan agreement! Oh! Look at that! ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Yeah? Who? Archie here! Ah, come on, quit your kiddin'.
Jeez, how are ya? Hey, I brought you a little present here, huh? Cigar.
This is a goodie.
It's a 50-cent one, you know? It ain't a Havana, but Puerto Rican Harlem, that's as close to Havana as we want to get.
Thanks, Archie, but I ain't allowed to smoke no more.
That's what I figured there.
You had me scared.
Hey, you give us all a time down in the saloon, you know? Somebody said the priest had you penciled in for Wednesday.
Nah, it was a mild heart attack.
What? Hiya, Kelcy! Hey, Arch, what are you doin' here? You said he was a goner.
I never said that.
How's things down at the bar? Oh, it's hummin' tonight.
Me and Carlos could've used a third bartender.
Hey, uh, a little rememberance from me and the misses.
Thanks, Harry.
Well, Kelcy, you know, I would've brung you flowers, too, but I read in a magazine that they suck up all the carbon monoxygen in the air.
Well, Harry, what's the answer? I came to tell you, Kelce, but I didn't know there was gonna be anybody here.
Well, there's only me.
Yeah, Arch, would you mind just steppin' outside? Don't send me out in that hall.
There's a guy layin' on a table out there with hoses up his nose.
- Go ahead, Harry.
- Yeah, go ahead.
Don't take no notice of me.
Just make like I ain't here, that's all.
Well, listen, Kelce-- Uh, Harry, is this nice in my face? Would you mind? Talk, talk.
I ain't listenin'.
I'm still tryin' to raise the money.
The money for what? Harry, I'm a businessman.
I sell to the first guy who meets my price.
Price of what? Arch, this is a private matter.
We're all pals here, ain't we? Harry here's tryin' to raise the money to buy the bar.
What? Harry wants to buy the bar? Will you butt out? Kelcy, are you sellin' Kelcy's? The doc says I oughtta retire, and thanks to the bar, I can afford it.
Hey, look, Kelce, look.
I gotta a friend who's got a friend who's very interested in goin' in with me.
All I ask is you give me a little time.
Don't give him nothin' here.
Will you stay outta this? No! Harry, first come, first served.
Hey, don't you think you oughtta go back to the bar? You don't wanna leave Carlos alone too long.
No, you don't want to do that.
You better get goin'.
Yeah, I gotta get back.
I sure hope you don't sell it to nobody else, Kelce.
Nice seein' ya, Arch.
No nice to be nasty there, Harry.
Hey, feel good, Kelce.
I don't want you to take a turn for the "nurse.
" Ha ha ha! Aw, gee, ain't he a crude palooka? Ya sellin' him the bar? Why not? I mean, Harry ain't no boss.
Kelcy, you're a boss.
Harry ain't no more than me, an ordinary workin' stiff.
When I bought the bar, I was a workin' stiff, just like you.
Didn't need no brains.
No kiddin'? Not only that, I had a boss that hollered.
Aw, jeez, tell me about that.
Biggest day of my life was when I hollered back at him.
Then I borrowed the money and bought the bar.
And you lived wealthily ever after, huh? You know any workin' stiff that can afford to pay cash for a heart attack? Jeez, I sure don't, Kelce.
That bar's a gold mine, Arch.
There's always business.
When things are good, they come in to celebrate.
When things are bad, they come in to drown their troubles.
And you know that apartment house they're talkin' about buildin' down at the corner? That could mean 400 new thirsty tongues hangin' out.
Undertakers and saloon-keepers, Archie-- they never starve.
How much you askin'? 40,000.
Oh, jeez.
20,000 down, and I'll take back a note for 20.
I want it, Kelcy.
I want that saloon.
Like I told Harry-- first come, first served.
Oh, that's only fair, only fair.
I'm gonna be the first to come.
Aahhh! Kelcy, easy.
Jeeeezzz.
Take it easy.
Don't get away from me now, you know? I'm gonna go away.
I'm gonna look into this.
I'm gonna look into this, Kelcy.
Oh, about poor Harry here-- - What about him? - To hell with him! [TITTERING.]
Close the door! [TITTERING.]
Ooohhh! Hey, Edith! [TITTERING.]
Hey, Edith.
Hey, Edith, wake up.
Edith.
Hey, Edith, wake up, I wanna talk to ya.
Hey, Edith.
Edith, Edith, Edith! Ohh! Ooohhhh! Hello, Archie! Edith! Edith! I'm glad I found you awake, Edith.
Yeah.
[YAWNS.]
I want to talk to you awake.
Oh, yeah.
All right, Archie.
I got somethin' important to tell ya.
Yeah, all right.
What is it? Kelcy is retirin'.
He's gonna sell his saloon.
What? Kelcy's sellin' his saloon.
Listen to me here.
Oh.
Ohhh.
Oh, well, don't worry, Archie, you'll find someplace else to drink.
That ain't it.
That ain't it.
Wake up! All right, I'm awake, I'm awake.
Listen to me.
I wanna buy Kelcy's saloon from him.
Oh-- You're jokin'! No, no, I ain't jokin'.
Oh, Archie, you can't do that! No? Why? Well, I mean you can't run a bar at night and--and do your job in the daytime.
You know what? The hell with that job! The hell with the job.
I'm quittin' the job.
You know what I want to do to that job? [IMITATES BURBLING WATER.]
Down the toilet with the job! You can't do that! You'll lose your pension! Pension! Pension! Do you know what happens to all them union pension funds? They all go to the Mafia.
I'll never collect on that unless I want to spend my dying days in Sicily! Well, what about your Social Security? Social Security? I can't collect on that for another 12 years, Edith.
And with the Democrats in there, they'll run through all that Social Security money before we have a chance to run 'em outta there! That's true! Didn't you read where they're sellin' the post offices to pay the rent on the White House? No, I never heard that.
Well, read the National Enquirer-- the only paper that'll give you the truth nowadays! Listen.
Listen.
- Listen, Edith, Edith.
- Yeah.
Now, think of it this way.
- Edith-- - Yeah, what, Archie? Supposing all my figuring is wrong, and I die first.
Huh? Now, think of that, Edith.
Now, what's to become of you there? Huh? You'll spend your last days in a home for the aged, see? A raggedy, muffledy old bag gummin' gruel! Do you want to spend your last days with a bowl of gruel? Oh, Archie, you're talkin' crazy.
No, no, no, I ain't.
If I can do this thing, I--I can take us out of all that.
I can be somebody, see? Oh, Archie, you don't have to be somebody.
I love ya right now when you're nobody! Aahhh! Listen to me, Edith.
All my life, I been a guy, they're always tellin' me what to do, you know? Someone's always tellin' me, even now-- I'm a middle-aged man-- down on the job, someone's always yellin', "Bunker, move them crates off the loadin' dock!" When I was little kid, the teachers, "Bunker, sit in the corner! Blow your nose!" When I was a young fella in the war, "Bunker, hand that chicken back to the wops!" For a change in my life, I want to tell people where to go and what to do.
Yeah, I know, Archie.
You wanna raise yourself up.
That's it! That's it! That's it! That's it! I want to raise myself up! I want to raise myself-- I wanna see my name on somethin', ya know? Somethin' besides just a lunch pail.
I wanna see Kelcy's Bar turned into Bunker's Bar, and for $20,000 down, Edith, that's all-- $20,000! Archie, how ya gonna get that much money? Credit, Edith, credit! Oh, no, not credit! What are ya talkin' about, "Not credit"? What's wrong with credit? It's the backbone of the USA economy! Credit's the only thing that stands between us and communism! Archie, we only got nineteen hundred and seventy-two dollars and forty-three cents in our savings account! Plus interest-- which, "we're sorry, but Federal regulations require a substantial penalty for early withdrawal"! Oh, Edith.
Oh, Archie, come on, get undressed and come to bed.
You're just dreamin'! No, no, no, I ain't dreamin'.
Edith, Edith, listen to me.
This is a once- in-a-lifetime chance! A once-in-a-lifetime chance comes only once or twice in a lifetime! Archie, we got everything we need! And besides, we're too old to start over.
Now, come on, get undressed and come to bed.
Too old to start over.
Jeez.
That's what you'd say to somethin' I want as much as this, huh? Ohh, Edith.
You know, it puts me in mind of when I was a kid about 12 years old, you know.
I used to go scratchin' all around the neighborhood lookin' for odd jobs to make myself a quarter-- rakin' leaves, runnin' errands, shovelin' snow, all of that.
I was savin' up for a bike, because a bike was the one thing I wanted more than anything else in life, see.
So after nearly two years of savin' up, my old man comes along and he says, "No bike for you, Meathead.
" He called you Meathead? Now, wasn't that a rotten thing to say? The man had no heart in him at all.
He took all my dough, and he put it, he said, into the bank for me.
I feel to you now, Edith, like the way I felt to him then.
I wanted to kick him right you-know-where.
Oh, well.
I--I didn't mean that.
Forget I said that, Edith.
I'm--I'm sorry I said that.
Well, I'm sorry too, Archie.
Yeah.
Well, I ain't so sure you're sorry, Edith.
I really don't think you're sorry at all.
This way please.
It's a swell-lookin' bank you got here.
Well, thank you.
The loan officer will be with you in a minute.
All right, thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello there.
Can I help you? No, thanks.
I'm just waitin' for the loan officer here.
I'm the loan officer.
Are you Mr.
Bunker? You're the loan officer? Yes, I am.
Jeez, I was sure the loan officer was gonna be-- a man.
Or a lady.
You know, a regular lady.
Oh, jeez.
Struck out twice, didn't you? Now, you're gonna ask me for a loan, right? I bet my chances ain't as good as they was about two minutes ago, huh? It won't affect the loan, as long as you don't want to marry my sister.
Ohh.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- Please sit down.
- Thank you very much there.
Hello, Ms.
Watson here.
Yes, I'm familiar with the Granville loan.
It matures on the 7th, but we've given an extension with an accelerated amortization and a cancellation of the mortgagee's obligation to a balloon payment.
You're welcome.
Whoop-de-do there.
We've come a long way from Roots, haven't we? Yeah, you said it.
I mean, Aunt Jemima could have never rattled that off.
You're a very smart girl, and you're gonna give me a loan, huh? First, I have a few questions.
Do you have an account here? At this particular point in time, no.
Why don't you go to your own bank for a loan? They know me there.
No, no, no, I mean-- I know them there, and I don't like them, you know.
I--I think I'm gonna move my assets over here to this bank.
Well, I don't trust 'em.
Listen, you walk in to a bank manager's office there, and all you see on his desk is travel photos, you know.
What kind of a loan did you have in mind? Well, I'm--I'm figurin' on goin' into a business adventures, you know.
So, I thought, twenty thou.
What kind of business? I'm gonna purchase an establishment for the dispenseration of wines, beers, and alcoholic spirituals and, um drinks of a liquorious nature.
A saloon.
Well, no, I-- a friendly, respectable neighborhood tavern, you know, where you could take your own mother in there with no fear that she's gonna be groped.
- Sounds high-class.
- Oh, A-1.
Do you have any collateral to guarantee the loan? Yeah, the best collateral in the world, the saloon itself.
You don't own that.
Mr.
Bunker, you have to show us that you're a good risk.
Oh, come on, there, do I look like some bum rollin' in off the street here? I'm a respectable guy, workin' the same job for 20 years.
I own my own house.
Is it encumbered? No, it's stucco and wood.
No, I mean do you own it free and clear? Oh! Plea-- Sure I do, own the whole thing outright there, and that house is the jewel of the block there.
I was offered forty-seven-five for the house there.
I could get fifty-two from a colored guy.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Unfortunately, business is business.
I think I may be able to recommend the loan.
Aww, terrific.
Say, I knew I was gonna like you, you know.
'Course, you's a little tough, you seemed to be, when I first sat down, but then it goes to show you can never judge a book by its color-- cover.
You're to complete this form.
Yeah, gimme it.
Sign here, and if the house is jointly owned, your wife signs here.
Oh, well, wait a minute, if I sign it, ain't that enough for ya? Not if it's jointly owned.
Ohh.
Well, there ain't gonna be no problem.
My wife will sign anything I put in front of her there, 'cause she's one of them old-fashioned missuses, you know? She ain't one of your modern, pain-in-the-neck missuses.
You know, present company suspected, there.
So, uh, I'll just get this signed, and I'll be back, and I want to thank you for your time.
Oh, jeez, I'm awful sorry! That's all right, Mr.
Bunker.
There's some down in your lap here.
Oh, jeez, I hope I didn't touch nothin'.
I'll get this all signed.
I'll bring it back as fast as I can.
You'll see, it'll all be in order, see.
Oh, jeez! I didn't know the toilets was that way.
Ma, you here? Oh, hi, Mike.
Hi, Ma.
How's Joey? Oh, he's fine.
Glorida took him on his first bus ride today.
You should've seen him.
He was so excited.
He jumped on the bus, hopped in the front seat, and said, "My chair, my chair.
" Wonder where he got that from.
Probably from Archie.
Yeah, Ma.
[SIGHS.]
What's the matter, Ma? Something botherin' you? Oh, no.
Well, yeah.
Well, yeah, no.
Yeah.
Is Archie still thinkin' about buyin' Kelcy's? I think it would be a terrible mistake.
Ma, you got nothing to worry about.
The only way Archie's gonna get $20,000 is if he prints it, and I don't think Archie can print.
Hey, hey, hey! I'm home, I'm home, I'm home.
Here back in the bosom of all your smilin' faces.
Edith, I don't see ya runnin' up to me as per usual, but don't make no difference.
You're lookin' beautiful standin' over there.
- Meathead.
- Just call me gorgeous.
Gorgeous, my chair, my chair.
Ladies and gentlemen, you see before youse a brand-new person here.
You'll never guess what happened to me today.
You had a sex change.
No, that's more in your line, Vasectomy Vic.
Edith, you're looking at a bona fide businessman here.
I just started to arrange the finances for the purchase of Kelcy's bar.
Wait, wait, wait, wait a second.
Wait a second.
Who would lend you that kind of money? - I ain't sayin'.
- You can't say.
- I wouldn't say.
- I dare ya to say.
- I won't say.
- Say it! The bank! And what did you give them in return? Somethin' that you ain't got--my word.
Oh, come on, Arch.
You're tellin' me a bank is gonna lend you $20,000 on your word alone.
Well, my word, plus-- - Plus what? - I ain't sayin'! - You can't say.
- I wouldn't say.
- I dare you to say.
- I won't say it.
- Say it! - Mortgage! A mortgage on what? What the hell do you usually get a mortgage on? - A mortgage on the house? - You're clever.
- You can't use the house, Arch.
- Our house? You're gonna mortgage our house? Ma, Ma, don't worry.
He can't possibly do that without your signature.
Will you shut up? But don't that mean if somethin' happens to the bar they could take away our house? Don't be hollerin' like you're out on the sidewalk already.
Why do you always look on the dark side? That's all she sees, livin' with you.
I got two things to say to you.
First is, why don't you take a walk? The second is [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Okay, goodbye, Ma.
I'm holdin' the door for you.
All right, goodbye, Arch.
Why is it-- Why is it that I always leave this house under a cloud? I wouldn't know, but sometime I'd like to see you leavin' this house under arrest.
Archie, we can't take that chance, not with our house! Please, Archie! Wait! How ya gonna get ahead in life if you don't take a chance? Oh, gee, why do you always-- Ya gotta have some confidence in me here, Edith.
I know what I'm doin'.
Don't worry about it.
Please listen, Archie.
When I was a little girl-- Don't make it a long story, Edith.
No, it ain't long.
See, we was livin' in the Depression It's so sad! and my father was so scared somebody'd come and take away the house and we'd all have to go on relief.
Archie, I ain't scared of much, but I'm sure scared of losin' our home.
Edith, please, you bring up your father.
In the first place, he's in his grave, Edith.
In the second place, he was a dope, and I ain't.
Now, Edith, sit down here.
Sit down and let me explain it to ya here.
Just sit down.
You don't have to worry about nothin'.
I brought this home from the bank.
It's all perfectly legal.
People do this every day.
What is that? What is it? This is just a document from the bank, and all ya gotta do is to put your name down here.
Now, listen-- but don't be readin' the fine print.
It'll make your eyeballs bounce.
- Just sign it there.
- What is it? I told you, it's from the bank, Edith.
When you sign it there, you probably get some kind of premium gift they give away-- you know, a pack of ballpoint pens or somethin' like that, or a waffle iron, or one of them digitalis clocks or somethin', so just sign.
"Residential loan appli--" Mortgage! Oh, no, Archie, no! I can't sign that! No, we ain't mortgagin' our house! I mean, it's my house too, you know.
Now, listen, let me tell you somethin'.
I sweat my britches off for this here house.
I didn't hear you complainin' all them years that I'm pourin' all my hard-earned money into the house.
Now I want to take a little money out of the house, you're against that.
Why, when this is a thing that I want? I need this! I gotta have this! No, Archie, I'm sorry.
I can't sign it! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute there! What the hell has happened to you? You used to be a quiet little-- sometimes you'd think you was a Japanese girl.
I don't know.
I guess I'm different now, and I ain't gonna let nobody take our house! [MOCKING.]
I ain't gonna let nobody take away our house! [DOOR CLOSES UPSTAIRS.]
This is all the fault of that Helen Curly Steinway! Ohh! Ooh.
[OBJECTS RATTLE LOUDLY.]
Edith.
"E" "D" "IT.
" You're gonna thank me for this one of these days, Edith Bunker.
"BUN" ker" Ma, can I have some more pancakes? Oh, sure, Mike.
Ma! Ma, where you goin'? They're right over here.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Here ya are.
Thanks.
Ma, syrup, please.
No, thank you.
- Here you are, honey.
- Thanks.
ARCHIE: Ah, this is awful! Ow! What's he doing up there? I think he's trying to get his 50th shave out of the same blade.
[ARCHIE MOANS LOUDLY.]
Guess he didn't make it.
Where did Sybil Gooley take Joey, Ma? That saloon.
The saloon? I hate that place.
She took Joey to Kelcy's? Who took Joey to Kelcy's? Sybil Gooley? Sybil Gooley took Joey to Kelcy's bar? Well, that's what you just said! I told her to take him to the park! Why would she do a thing like that? Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! She took him to the park.
Are you sure? Well, that's where Ma told her to take him.
You just got each other all mixed up here.
Ma, Ma, what is the matter with you? Well, I want to know how Archie got $20,000 to buy Kelcy's bar! I mean, he couldn't mortgage the house without me signing.
He must've borrowed from his friends.
What friends? Daddy has dozens of friends-- Hank, Pinky, Barney.
Any one of them would have to give an IOU to a mugger! Maybe he borrowed on his GI insurance.
Oh, he couldn't do that.
He didn't keep it up.
Why not? He said that if he died, he didn't want me to be stuck with the premiums.
I hope he didn't go to a shark.
A shark! You know, Ma, a loan shark.
One of these guys.
ARCHIE: Edith! - You ask him.
- Okay.
Edith, will ya look at me standing here? Will you look at that poor face on me here? How many times have I begged you on hands and knees, never use my razor? Did you go to a loan shark? Can't you say hello first? Hello.
Did you go to a loan shark? Hello.
None of your damn business.
Archie, I'd like to know.
- Yeah, Daddy.
- All right, wait-- Now, wait a minute! Listen to me, all of youse.
I done a hard day's work yesterday, right? I drove a cab until 12 midnight.
From 12 midnight till 4 a.
m.
, I'm down at my new saloon going over the inventory.
I'm in no mood to play 120 questions with nobody.
Did you go to a loan shark? I already told you, I went to the bank.
Why would a bank lend you $20,000? 'Cause without toilet paper all over it, I got an honest face.
What did you use for collateral? "Collateral"! That's an awful big word for a little girl.
Come on! What'd you put up for security? I put up you and Joey! I'm gonna find out what you used for collateral! Oh, he's biting my hand! [ALL YELLING.]
Would you cut it out? What's the matter with you? Since she's 3 years old, she's been doing that to my fingers.
She does it to my toes.
How did you get that loan? Michael says there's no way-- "Michael says, Michael says, Michael says.
" It's a wonder a guy who's always got his mouth so full can squeeze out so many words between the food.
That's so funny.
That is so funny.
He's doing it for us there! Could you swallow, honey.
All I know is there is something rotten in the state of Denmark.
Ah, listen to the big professor! Denmark ain't no state, buddy, it's the capital of Colorado, all right? Daddy! Aahhh! Stuck a cotton-pickin' fork into my finger here! I want to see that loan agreement! You ain't got no right to see nothin'! Your mother's got a right to see the loan agreement, but she don't wanna see it because she trusts her husband, right? - Yes, I do.
- Huh huh huh! I mean I do wanna see the loan agreement! Huh huh huh! Well, you ain't gonna see it! I don't carry important documents around on me.
- Where is it? - I lost it.
You lost an important document like that? Well, how do you know I didn't put it into a strongbox? You don't have a strongbox.
We've got a cigar box.
And a damn strong one! I'll go get it! No, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Stop, stop, stop, Edith! I didn't say I put it up there, did I? Archie, you're acting like you done something wrong.
Edith, Edith, there ain't nothin' wrong.
I swear on my mother's life.
Your mother is dead.
I swear on her grave, then.
She was cremated.
All right, Edith, I swear on her jar, for God's sakes! You know as much about that loan as you need to know.
It's a $20,000 loan, at eight and a half percent interest "piranha.
" Sounds an awful lot like a mortgage to me.
Ah [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
to you! Do you have to do that? It's such a no-class thing.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
I don't understand it.
You couldn't possibly have gotten a mortgage unless somehow you got Ma's signature on a piece of paper What the hell you staring at? Don't you give me the finger there! Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat! Michael, are you suggesting that Daddy forged Ma's signature? Oh, Archie would never do that! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I want to see that paper.
I want you to go home and clean your room.
Gloria, maybe we'd better go.
I have classes today.
On Saturday? Yeah, Saturday classes, honey.
Come on.
Ma, thanks a lot for the breakfast.
I won't forget you bit me.
Don't come back.
Archie! Edith, I only got one thing to say before I gotta get down to work at the saloon.
Now, them two young people, they got their own home right across the alley there, and I think it's a damn shame every Saturday morning they hang their noses out the window, and they smell you making the pancakes, and they trot over here with their tongues hanging out like a couple of dogs.
Now, that ain't right! I ask you, don't you agree with me? Yes or no? Did you sign my name? You didn't answer my question, Edith.
Did you? Edith, that ain't an important question at this time.
Archie! How could you do that? Now, take it easy, Edith.
Now, don't get yourself all excited, 'cause I want to remind you, the loan agreement was there in front of us, and you run away from me-- you leave me with the pen in my hand.
Now, my signature was already on there, so there wasn't any sense in putting it on there again, right? The line called for your signature, Edith Bunker, see? And, uh, there was nobody else around to sign it, so, uh ipso "fatso" All I done was take an old check from the drawer with your signature on it there and I brung it over here and I traced the thing.
That's forgery! No, it's tracery.
You signed my name! I had to do it.
You signed away my half of this house! Oh, gee, Edith, I knew it would make you happy in the years to come.
Edith, listen to me-- - Don't call me Edith! - Why not? There ain't no more Edith.
I mean, you signed my name away! Oh, come on, will you? Edith ain't nowhere! What are you talking about? What is it--? What are you talking about, your name? Like the guy says, "A rose by any other name, still, it needs water.
" You took my name! Edith, Edith, this never woulda happened if you'd-a stood by me out there.
And y-you run away.
Now, listen, Edith, I didn't do it just for me.
I done it for you too.
What do you want to be the rest of your life, a nobody little housewife? I'm raising you up in society.
You'll be the wife of a saloon keeper there, Edith! You know, we're gonna do great things.
We're gonna bring help into the house for you-- a brand-new vacuum cleaner, Edith, with all the latest attractions there-- you know, a long pipe that sucks the drapes and everything.
Edith, come on.
This is gonna mean money to us.
We'll be able to leave a little dough to our grandchild.
Poor Joey! His grandfather is a forger! A tracer, I told you, a tracer! Well, I ain't gonna stay here and have you hurt my feelings.
I got work to do down at my saloon.
Well, you'd better go down to your saloon and tell 'em down there that your wife is married to a forger, and that your daughter has a father for a forger, and your son-in-law's father-in-law's a forger! Let me tell you one thing, Edith Bunker! If you ain't got no concern for the next 40, 50 years of your life, you ought to thank God that you have a husband who has! You ain't got no right to worry about my life in the next 50 years! I'll do that! Well, when are you gonna do it? I don't know, but I'll work that out myself, thank you.
And wait a minute! You'd better figure out how you're gonna get my half of this house back! Aww! Wait a minute! I think-- I--I think you got one hell of a nerve! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh! Oh! Oh, hi, Mike.
Oh, what did you say? I said [CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, that's nice.
Ma.
You all right? [SHAKEN.]
Yeah.
You want some cake? No, thanks, Ma.
Are you all right? Ma, what's the matter? He forged my name.
I've been married to Archie for 30 years.
I never thought he'd do a thing like that.
What are you gonna do, Ma? You gonna throw him in jail? Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
Then you're gonna have to learn to live with it.
I don't know how.
Ma Archie must have wanted that bar awfully bad to do a terrible thing like he did, right? Yeah.
Remember what you once said to me in this kitchen? You told me that the only reason that Archie got mad at me all the time was because he was jealous of the fact that I had all the opportunities that he never had.
He resented me because he never had a chance to better himself.
Well, now he's got that chance, Ma.
In Archie's mind, it's--it's a chance for him to be somebody, and, uh, I don't think you can take that away from him.
But what if he don't make a go of it? Then he's gonna need your support more than ever.
But who knows? Maybe he will.
It could be a success.
Miracles can happen, Ma.
Remember, the Mets won the World Series in 1969.
Oh, it's just like my cousin Mildred, from Bay Ridge.
See, she was married to Mr.
Brown, and Mr.
Brown had a dream.
See, he always wanted a used car lot, 'cause he wanted to wear a coonskin cap and do television commercials.
And they did it! Him and Mildred mortgaged their house, and they opened a used car lot.
And there he was on TV, wiping the prices off the windshields and hollering, "No cash down with Coonskin Brown.
" See? And he made a fortune, right? No, he went broke.
But still, he had his dream.
Oh, Mike.
Thank you! You know something, Ma? What? I'd like some of that cake.
Oh, yeah! Six Cutty, six Fleischmann's, Arch.
A case of Ambassador.
Arch.
Six V.
O.
, six Fleischmann's, a case of Ambassador.
Archie! I heard ya.
Hey, Carlos, go--go on back down.
I'll be with ya in a couple of minutes.
All right, Harry.
What's the matter, Arch? Ain't ya feelin' good? Ahh, it ain't me.
It's Edith.
What, she sick? Yes, she's sick-- of me.
Oh.
Her too, huh? Ha ha ha ha ha.
Step away from me, will ya, barkeep? And when you're over there, get me a bourbon.
- Comin' up.
- Come to think of it it's the first time I ever ordered a drink in here I didn't have to reach in my own pocket and pay.
You're the boss.
'Course, you could leave a gratuity.
I ain't leavin' nothin', not even a tip.
Uh, Arch, I'm, uh-- I'm gonna go on down and, uh, help Carlos check out the rest of the cases, huh? Eh, go ahead.
Are ya open for business? Well, no, we ain't.
Well, uh uhI mean-- I mean, we could be open, you know? Uh, I'm the boss, and what I say goes.
Yeah, yeah, we're, uh-- we're open for business here.
What'll it be there, good-lookin'? Lemonade.
It ain't a health-food bar, Edith.
Can't you order something with a little pazazz? Beer? Yeah! Yeah, a beer! Park ya carcass there on the stool.
Yeah, be right with ya there.
Well, it's nice to see you drinkin' so early in the mornin'.
No, never reach, never reach, Edith.
Wait'll the bartender puts up one of these little doilies for you.
See? First thing that goes up there is the peanuts, and then a couple of nappies for you there, see? Oh! You did that so nice! I did? Listen, I can really be a success in this business, Edith.
I mean it, now.
See, all I need to be is a great host, and all I need to be for that is just as gracious as ever I was in our own home.
Whaddya gotta do for that? Lemme show ya.
First of all, people come in the front door, you don't stand behind the bar like a lump.
Ya hop out from behind the bar, big smile on the face, and greet the people at the door.
Step right in, ladies and gents! What is it you want? A table for four? Well, it just so happens we have one free right over here.
Be seated.
Oh, no, sir, you don't give me a tip.
You're lookin' at the "entre-manure" here, huh? Yes, madam, sit down.
Then you seat the lady, you know? Ya slip the chair under her there.
May I take your coat, madam? No, you don't have to rise to have your coat taken.
I can take the coat off a lady while she's sittin' down.
Don't worry about your garment, madam.
We watch everything here.
Edith, look who's comin' in the door! W-who? Hank, Pinky, and Barney, they're coming in.
They're big drinkers.
Come on, boys, belly up to the bar.
Get your money out.
See? That's the way you do it.
See what's goin' on in that corner over there? Oh no.
There's a man gropin' a lady.
Oh, Archie! He didn't even bring her in here, see? He's an "interlooper.
" Hey, buddy over there! Take your hands off the lady! She didn't come in here to get picked up.
She's just a friendly little dignified neighborhood lush.
Oh, Archie.
Ya gotta handle all kinds of situations there.
Edith I'm gonna be so happy here in my own business.
Oh, Archie, I've been thinkin' Please don't do no more of that! I think that I was too tough on ya, and I'm sorry.
And you forgive me? Oh, of course, Archie.
Will you forgive me? Oh, Edith, you didn't do nothin' that I gotta forgive.
All that who-ha back at the house-- that was all my fault.
Oh, no, it was my fault for not helpin' you with your dream.
It was my fault for gamblin' everything we had and didn't even give you a shake of the dice.
No, it was my fault for not understandin'.
It was my fault for forging your name! Yeah, that was your fault.
Ya have to fling that back in my face? Jeez, Edith, you always do this! The first minute we get something beautiful goin', you got a way of sayin' things that just--I dunno-- that just breaks the whole "spill," ya know? Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.
I--I won't mention it again.
- Never no more, huh? - No, never.
I promise never to mention again that ya forged my name.
Archie, remember my cousin Mildred? With the one eye? No, no, that was Myrtle in Cincinnati.
This is Mildred, from Bay Ridge.
Aw, yeah, yeah.
Well, she was married to a Mr.
Brown.
Yeah, the guy that fell off of the roof.
Yeah, and he couldn't remember nobody in his family no more.
Well, see, Mr.
Brown had a dream.
He wanted to open a used car lot, remember? And go on TV and do commercials, remember? I remember it.
And he was hollerin', "No cash down BOTH: with Coonskin Brown.
" Well, Archie, you're just like him.
Whaddya mean I'm like him? The man went out of business! But, see, he had a dream! I remember his dream.
He said that Eleanor Roosevelt was his mother! But she didn't know nothin' about that.
See, Archie, like Mildred helped Coonskin Brown, no matter what happens, I want to help you make your dream come true.
That's what I need-- more of that.
You know something, Edith? Even though the years have went by, you still got the lips.
Oh, Archie! Oh, I'm gonna be so proud of ya! And this is gonna be a beautiful saloon! And you're gonna be the host with the most! Oh, you said it, Edith! And I can't tell ya the way I feel standing in the middle of my own saloon, my own business here! I got all kinds of plans for this joint, plans of my own! All my own ideas! Wait'll you hear, Edith.
Maybe we can get matching tablecloths and napkins, and we can redecorate the powder room! Yeah, get plenty of powder in there, 'cause it stinks! Yeah! Oh, and I'll take down them fightin' pictures and we'll put up George and Martha Washington.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Gee, no, don't put George and Martha up.
I mean, pictures of George and Martha, they always look like they don't want nobody to drink.
Well, maybe little animals, like squirrels and birds.
Don't do that.
Some of our customers, they get drinkin', they get awful scared of little animals.
- Well, kittens and dogs.
- No, no, no, Edith.
Edith! No, Edith, leave all the artwork--! Curtains on the door and on the window! No, no curtains, Edith.
We ain't runnin' an ice cream parlor here.
Oh, and we'll get rid of the pinball machine, 'cause that's gamblin'.
Edith, Edith, you get rid of the pinball machine, and a guy who smells like garlic will come around, kiss me on both cheeks, and put a hole in my head.
We can get new barstools! Don't do nothin'! No, Edith! No, hey! Now, cut it out, now! That's enough, Edith! Now, I don't wanna hear no more! This is my bar.
I'm the boss of this bar, and I'm the boss, and I'm the guy that says what goes! But you made me a partner! When did I do that? When you forged my name on the loan agreement! Oh! Look at that! ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.