All In The Family s08e03 Episode Script
Cousin Liz
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days It's nice.
It stinks.
I hate motels.
What was that creepy desk clerk whispering into your ear there? Oh, he asked me if we was gonna use the room for more than an hour.
Oh I wonder why he asked me that.
'Cause whenever we check into a motel, you stand around looking dopey.
"Call front desk if you wish to see today's adult film presentation.
" Forget that! Forget that.
Today's movie is Goldilocks and the Three Bares.
Look at the way they spelled "bears.
" B-- A-R-E-S.
Oh, what a view for the $9 we gave 'em.
Is it pretty? Oh, it's breathtakin', Edith-- two Pintos and a Toyota.
We better get ready for the funeral.
Here's your tie.
Oh, I better fix my face first.
Well, don't rouge it up too much, Edith.
You ain't the guest of honor.
I sure hope it ain't one of them open-casket affairs, you know? 'Cause I--I hate lookin' at somebody who ain't lookin' back at me.
And then, too, you never know what they're thinkin', you know, Edith? How could they be thinkin'? Edith, don't try to make sense out of every little thing I say to you, huh? You're married to a guy that has a lot of deep thoughts, you know? And maybe they're too deep for you, so don't try to get down here with me.
I just can't believe that Cousin Liz is gone.
That's another thing.
Why do people always say they can't believe that so-and-so is gone, like it's some kind of big surprise? I mean, everybody's gotta go, Edith.
I mean, we gotta go.
I mean, you gotta go today, maybe me later on.
But it's so sad.
Oh, well, I'll give you that.
Yeah, Liz was a beautiful girl, and the nicest relation in your family.
Always said she was the one good egg in a barrel of rotten apples.
Poor Liz.
She was so beautiful.
It's too bad she never got married.
She didn't have any fun.
Well, listen, Edith, not every girl can be as lucky as you, you know? And being so beautiful, you know, she could have probably got herself a wonderful fella.
For instance, uh, I don't suppose I ever told you this, but, uh, like me, I once had a kinda crush on Liz.
Oh, really? Well, yeah.
What'd you do about it? I kissed her.
Oh.
Is that all? Yeah, she wouldn't do nothin' else.
You know, I hate black, like they got in this "funererial" suit here.
Oh, you look nice in it.
Oh, gee, oh, look, oh, oh, look at this.
Look at this.
You remember where I wore that last? Oh, yeah, Stretch Cunningham's funeral.
Yeah.
That's--that's your beanie.
This ain't a beanie.
You know what the Jews call this? A Yamaha, Edith.
Poor old Stretch, and everybody down at work loved Stretch so, you know, and we never got a chance to tell him.
It's too bad we don't know in advance when people are gonna pass away.
Oh, gee, "pass away"? That's another one of them words that I hate, you know? "Pass away," that's for the gas from those poops here, you know? But people die.
Die, it's a good word.
Can't you say "die"? Oh, no.
Well, if it's too rough for you, then pick out something a little more softer, like, for instance, "croak.
" You can say that, can't you? Say it.
Croak.
Yes.
If we knew in advance when people are gonnacroak, then we could say goodbye to them, and tell 'em how wonderful they are.
By the time we say what we ought to say, it's too late to say it.
Oh, jeez, oh, jeez.
Look at this here.
Look at this.
Oh, it's a spot.
Here, I'll get it out.
Archie? Yeah, what? You're wonderful.
You don't have to tell me that.
I--I wanted to tell ya before it's too late.
Thank you very much, Edith, and I wanna tell you somethin' before it's too late.
Yeah? Get the spot out of the tie, huh? Look at your nail.
Don't replace the spot with a hole, please.
Oh, you notice the Gideon's Bible here, Edith? Know what that's for? That's so the people can watch all the dirty movies, and repent after.
Wouldn't it be nice if Stretch Cunningham and Cousin Liz met up in Heaven? Oh, I think they'd like each other.
What good would it to them? What do you mean? 'Cause when they're up in Heaven, they ain't got nothin' to do nothin' with, you know? Ain't you never seen pictures of angels flying around in the churches there? The only parts they got is the wings, see? The rest of them is smooth.
That's another reason the angels ain't ashamed to fly around naked.
I wanted to ask you, how long was that Cousin Liz of yours teaching school? Oh, a long time-- That's what I thought, so she must have saved a lot of money, you know, and you being her closest living relation there, you know, if you're following my meaning.
Oh, Archie, I don't wanna talk about that now.
Edith, all I'm sayin' to you is that you stand to collect here, you know? I mean, maybe she stashed away a boodle of dough there for her old age, which she ain't gonna have now because she died.
She didn't have much money, Archie.
What do you mean? What expense could she have? All them years sharin' that apartment with the other old maid school-teacher, Veronica whosis.
Well, that's why they had to share it, 'cause they was teachers.
Teachers don't make much money.
Look at Mike.
Don't make me think of him and a corpse in the one day, will ya? We better go.
Yeah, yeah, here's your coat there.
Hey, you know what just crossed my mind? I bet we're the first man and woman that ever rented this motel room to put clothes on.
Come on, Archie.
Yeah, well, wait a minute.
I gotta do somethin' first here, Edith.
What are you doing that for? I don't want them to think there's anything wrong with us.
Go on.
Ain't you got enough of that? Let her have what she wants.
Old people throw up, Edith.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.
Thank you very much, thank you.
Well, well, well, Veronica.
Jeez, you and Liz, you had a nice little apartment here.
Oh, thank you, Archie.
Come on, Edith, come on.
Sit right down here.
You could move.
Uh, thank you.
I'll speak to you later, Mr.
Arnold.
It was a lovely funeral, Veronica.
Thank you, Edith.
Everybody seemed to enjoy it.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
She looked so beautiful, didn't she, Archie? Yeah, the funeral must have cost a bundle, huh? Oh, well, uh, yes, it did, Archie.
That's what I was afraid of.
See, that cuts down on the remaining cash, Edith, which is where you come in.
Uh, Archie, the Teacher's Union insurance paid for it.
Oh, then it was worth every cent.
Veronica, I really must go.
Oh, excuse me for just a minute.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Well, there better be some cash, Edith, 'cause I don't see nothin' around here that we could use use, you know, barring the 19 1/2" color TV over there with the remote control and the magic-eye tuner there, and the hi-fi I see over in the corner.
Archie, we shouldn't talk about that now.
Anyway, some of these things must belong to Veronica.
The only thing I see that's coming to me is that silver tea set there.
Ain't it beautiful? Yeah, if you like tea.
It's been in our family for 100 years.
I know it's old, but still it's gotta be worth something.
See, originally it belonged to my great grandmother on my mother's side, and when my great grandmother on my mother's side got married, she got it as a wedding present from my great grandfather's brother on my father's side, All right, Edith.
and then when my grandmother passed away Edith.
she left it to Cousin Liz's mother on my mother's side, and that broke my mother's heart.
Edith, I'm gonna take my life, Edith.
I'll take my life, Edith.
from my grandmother on my mother's side, so Aunt Lucy prom-- Oh, Archie, Archie, don't do that.
I ain't interested in the silver tea set there, Edith.
You're the next of kin.
It'll come to you.
When you get it, you turn it over for $10.
Oh, it's worth more than that.
Ah, $12.
50.
No, that must be worth at least $2,000.
Two thousand doll-- get outta here.
Mm, sure.
That's real, antique, sterling silver.
That's worth a fortune these days, but I ain't gonna sell it, Archie.
It's gonna stay right in the family where it belongs.
There's a trip to California on that tray.
Uh, Edith, excuse me.
I wonder if I could speak to you privately for a minute.
Oh, sure.
Excuse us, Archie.
Oh, that's all right.
Yeah, I'll just mingle with the mourners a little bit, yeah.
Say, you don't wanna fool with that.
That's very, uh, valuable silver there.
Yeah, sure.
Get away from that.
Oh, ain't this lovely? Thank you.
Was this Liz's room? Well, this was our room, Edith.
Oh, you shared the same bedroom.
We shared everything.
Would you sit down please, Edith? Thank you.
Uh, Edith, um, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between you and Archie about Liz's silver tea set.
Oh, it's beautiful, ain't it? Yes, it is.
It gave us such pleasure.
I'm so glad.
Every afternoon after school, we'd spend a leisurely hour having tea, and no matter what, we always had that hour that belonged to just us.
Oh, that's nice.
And, uh, I know it's very valuable, but it means so much to me.
I was wondering if if maybe I could keep it? Oh, well, I don't know.
I--I'd see that it gets back into your family.
It's been in my family for 100 years.
See, originally it belonged to my great grandmother on my mother's side, and when she was married it was a wedding present from my great grandfa-- Oh, I'm sorry, Veronica.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Edith Your cousin Liz and I were very fond of each other extremely fond of each other.
Oh, I know we was, too.
No, um, you see, we we--we loved each other.
I know.
We loved each other, too.
I can remember when we was kids in school.
We was like sisters.
Uh, no, this wasn't like that.
We loved each other in a different way.
Oh, what way? Uh, well, this was more like a marriage.
A marriage? Oh, but it couldn't be.
I mean, you and Cousin Liz was both gi-- Oh.
Oh.
You mean that you and Cousin Liz-- Yes.
Oh.
We had a happy, wonderful life together, Oh.
Oh, uh, that's good.
I wonder why she never mentioned it.
Well, people don't wanna hear about those things.
I mean, do you think that we would have been allowed to continue to work as school teachers? Well, why not? I mean, that don't affect the brain, does it? Oh, oh, Veronica, I wish you hadn't told me about this.
So do I.
Oh, no, I didn't mean that.
I mean it's so sad.
It must have been terrible lovin' somebody and not bein' able to talk about it.
I--You can have the tea set.
I mean, it belongs to you.
You're really her next of kin.
Oh, thank you, Edith, thank you.
[KNOCK.]
Oh, uh, hey, Veronica, the guests seemed to wanna leave, so I told 'em to go ahead.
Oh.
Edith, you know somethin'? You were right, that's very valuable.
I turned it upside down, it says "silver" underneath there.
You know what you are? You're a "hairess," Edith.
Huh? Hey-- California, here I come Oh, no, Archie, no, we ain't goin' to California, 'cause we ain't takin' the tea set, Archie? Huh? We ain't takin the tea set.
I'm gonna let Veronica keep it.
Why? Because she deserves it.
Edith, you're Liz's closet living relation.
Veronica was even closer.
Sharin' the rent ain't thicker than blood.
No, see, Veronica was closer to Cousin Liz than me or anybody else.
What the hell are you talking about? Veronica--Veronica ain't even family.
It's--it's like to me, you're family.
Certainly I'm family.
You and me is married, Edith.
Well, Veronica and Cousin Liz was like married.
Are you tellin' me that Liz and Veronica was That beautiful girl that I kissed? Liz was a les? No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
No! Yeah.
Edith, you must have got something wrong, you heard something wrong, you got mixed up some way in this conversation you was havin' in there with Veronica.
Did you once hear the word "queer"? Shh! You'll embarrass her.
Embarrass her? What about me? How do you think I feel knowing a "devieration" like that was running around on your side of the family? But now that I think of that girl Les-- Liz.
Same thing, same thing.
No wonder when I kissed her she wouldn't do more.
And you want me to fix her up with poor Stretch in Heaven.
She ain't even gonna go to heaven! Archie, Veronica and Cousin Liz loved each other like you and me.
Oh, jeez Don't say that! Like you and-- Like you and me? Oh, Lord, help me.
You are so "nave" about these things.
I mean, don't you understand that there's a hell of a difference, huh, in love andsex between people who have the same and different hoo-nee? Oh, Archie, that part don't have nothin' to do with it.
That part has everything to do with it, that part! Turn around and march yourself in there, and you pick up your silver.
Let's go home to New York.
No, I ain't gonna do that, Archie.
You mean you're gonna disobey your husband? Yeah.
Case closed.
Well, we'll just see about this.
What are you gonna do? Archie, wait-- Say, uh, Veronica, hold it there a minute.
Now, look, I don't wanna get into nothin' personal with you at all.
All I wanna say to you is that silverware over there is legally the property of my wife here.
She gave it to me, Archie.
Well, I don't think she knew what she was doin', and, uh, I think we can have this whole thing settled in a court there.
Oh, no! Shh.
I think a judge-- a judge-- a judge ought to decide who gets that silver, huh? I don't have to do that.
Well, if I bring it into court you gotta do it.
Why don't we let a judge decide that? I can't do that.
Why can't you do that? Because I might lose my job.
What's your job got to do with the silverware over-- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh.
Certainly, because the judge wouldn't wanna hear nothin' about this, uh, "candlestine" romance goin' on here.
Oh, yes, you could get into a lot of trouble, there.
I could get her in a lot of trouble.
Archie, you wouldn't do that.
Well, she put the idea in my head.
Why wouldn't I do that? But didn't you hear her? She said she could lose her job.
Who the hell wants people like that teachin' our kids? I'm sure God don't.
God's sitting in judgment.
Well, sure, he is, but he's God.
You ain't.
Archie, listen, you wouldn't wanna be the cause of somebody losin' their job.
Oh, I don't know.
Archie, she's all alone in the world now, and she's got nobody to take care of her like I have, and she can't help how she feels.
And she didn't hurt you, so why should you wanna hurt her? Archie, I can't believe you'd do anything that mean.
[IMITATES EDITH.]
You stay here.
All right, Veronica, don't worry, we ain't gonna take ya into court.
And we ain't takin' the tea set neither.
Couldn't you wait? And we ain't takin' the tea set neither.
But I gotta tell ya one thing.
I can't understand youse people at all.
I mean, why don't youse all juststop that? You're a good-lookin' woman.
Why don't you go out and get yourself a good-lookin' guy there, and turn yourself around? Now, that is my advice to you, if you don't mind.
No, I don't mind.
Thank you, Archie.
Well, there, didn't you get somethin' out of that? Oh, maybe I done some good around here after all.
I think I got her back on her tracks.
Eh, but you.
You.
Ruin a trip to California that way.
You can always say the one dumb thing that forces me to make a dumb move.
Oh, it wasn't dumb, Archie.
You done the right thing, and I'm so proud of you.
Oh, save it for the motel, will you? What's this for? It's sugar tongs.
Oh, is that what that is? Could-- could this be used for ice? Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, yeah.
Well, she ain't gonna miss this.
Oh! Oh! ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
It stinks.
I hate motels.
What was that creepy desk clerk whispering into your ear there? Oh, he asked me if we was gonna use the room for more than an hour.
Oh I wonder why he asked me that.
'Cause whenever we check into a motel, you stand around looking dopey.
"Call front desk if you wish to see today's adult film presentation.
" Forget that! Forget that.
Today's movie is Goldilocks and the Three Bares.
Look at the way they spelled "bears.
" B-- A-R-E-S.
Oh, what a view for the $9 we gave 'em.
Is it pretty? Oh, it's breathtakin', Edith-- two Pintos and a Toyota.
We better get ready for the funeral.
Here's your tie.
Oh, I better fix my face first.
Well, don't rouge it up too much, Edith.
You ain't the guest of honor.
I sure hope it ain't one of them open-casket affairs, you know? 'Cause I--I hate lookin' at somebody who ain't lookin' back at me.
And then, too, you never know what they're thinkin', you know, Edith? How could they be thinkin'? Edith, don't try to make sense out of every little thing I say to you, huh? You're married to a guy that has a lot of deep thoughts, you know? And maybe they're too deep for you, so don't try to get down here with me.
I just can't believe that Cousin Liz is gone.
That's another thing.
Why do people always say they can't believe that so-and-so is gone, like it's some kind of big surprise? I mean, everybody's gotta go, Edith.
I mean, we gotta go.
I mean, you gotta go today, maybe me later on.
But it's so sad.
Oh, well, I'll give you that.
Yeah, Liz was a beautiful girl, and the nicest relation in your family.
Always said she was the one good egg in a barrel of rotten apples.
Poor Liz.
She was so beautiful.
It's too bad she never got married.
She didn't have any fun.
Well, listen, Edith, not every girl can be as lucky as you, you know? And being so beautiful, you know, she could have probably got herself a wonderful fella.
For instance, uh, I don't suppose I ever told you this, but, uh, like me, I once had a kinda crush on Liz.
Oh, really? Well, yeah.
What'd you do about it? I kissed her.
Oh.
Is that all? Yeah, she wouldn't do nothin' else.
You know, I hate black, like they got in this "funererial" suit here.
Oh, you look nice in it.
Oh, gee, oh, look, oh, oh, look at this.
Look at this.
You remember where I wore that last? Oh, yeah, Stretch Cunningham's funeral.
Yeah.
That's--that's your beanie.
This ain't a beanie.
You know what the Jews call this? A Yamaha, Edith.
Poor old Stretch, and everybody down at work loved Stretch so, you know, and we never got a chance to tell him.
It's too bad we don't know in advance when people are gonna pass away.
Oh, gee, "pass away"? That's another one of them words that I hate, you know? "Pass away," that's for the gas from those poops here, you know? But people die.
Die, it's a good word.
Can't you say "die"? Oh, no.
Well, if it's too rough for you, then pick out something a little more softer, like, for instance, "croak.
" You can say that, can't you? Say it.
Croak.
Yes.
If we knew in advance when people are gonnacroak, then we could say goodbye to them, and tell 'em how wonderful they are.
By the time we say what we ought to say, it's too late to say it.
Oh, jeez, oh, jeez.
Look at this here.
Look at this.
Oh, it's a spot.
Here, I'll get it out.
Archie? Yeah, what? You're wonderful.
You don't have to tell me that.
I--I wanted to tell ya before it's too late.
Thank you very much, Edith, and I wanna tell you somethin' before it's too late.
Yeah? Get the spot out of the tie, huh? Look at your nail.
Don't replace the spot with a hole, please.
Oh, you notice the Gideon's Bible here, Edith? Know what that's for? That's so the people can watch all the dirty movies, and repent after.
Wouldn't it be nice if Stretch Cunningham and Cousin Liz met up in Heaven? Oh, I think they'd like each other.
What good would it to them? What do you mean? 'Cause when they're up in Heaven, they ain't got nothin' to do nothin' with, you know? Ain't you never seen pictures of angels flying around in the churches there? The only parts they got is the wings, see? The rest of them is smooth.
That's another reason the angels ain't ashamed to fly around naked.
I wanted to ask you, how long was that Cousin Liz of yours teaching school? Oh, a long time-- That's what I thought, so she must have saved a lot of money, you know, and you being her closest living relation there, you know, if you're following my meaning.
Oh, Archie, I don't wanna talk about that now.
Edith, all I'm sayin' to you is that you stand to collect here, you know? I mean, maybe she stashed away a boodle of dough there for her old age, which she ain't gonna have now because she died.
She didn't have much money, Archie.
What do you mean? What expense could she have? All them years sharin' that apartment with the other old maid school-teacher, Veronica whosis.
Well, that's why they had to share it, 'cause they was teachers.
Teachers don't make much money.
Look at Mike.
Don't make me think of him and a corpse in the one day, will ya? We better go.
Yeah, yeah, here's your coat there.
Hey, you know what just crossed my mind? I bet we're the first man and woman that ever rented this motel room to put clothes on.
Come on, Archie.
Yeah, well, wait a minute.
I gotta do somethin' first here, Edith.
What are you doing that for? I don't want them to think there's anything wrong with us.
Go on.
Ain't you got enough of that? Let her have what she wants.
Old people throw up, Edith.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.
Thank you very much, thank you.
Well, well, well, Veronica.
Jeez, you and Liz, you had a nice little apartment here.
Oh, thank you, Archie.
Come on, Edith, come on.
Sit right down here.
You could move.
Uh, thank you.
I'll speak to you later, Mr.
Arnold.
It was a lovely funeral, Veronica.
Thank you, Edith.
Everybody seemed to enjoy it.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
She looked so beautiful, didn't she, Archie? Yeah, the funeral must have cost a bundle, huh? Oh, well, uh, yes, it did, Archie.
That's what I was afraid of.
See, that cuts down on the remaining cash, Edith, which is where you come in.
Uh, Archie, the Teacher's Union insurance paid for it.
Oh, then it was worth every cent.
Veronica, I really must go.
Oh, excuse me for just a minute.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Well, there better be some cash, Edith, 'cause I don't see nothin' around here that we could use use, you know, barring the 19 1/2" color TV over there with the remote control and the magic-eye tuner there, and the hi-fi I see over in the corner.
Archie, we shouldn't talk about that now.
Anyway, some of these things must belong to Veronica.
The only thing I see that's coming to me is that silver tea set there.
Ain't it beautiful? Yeah, if you like tea.
It's been in our family for 100 years.
I know it's old, but still it's gotta be worth something.
See, originally it belonged to my great grandmother on my mother's side, and when my great grandmother on my mother's side got married, she got it as a wedding present from my great grandfather's brother on my father's side, All right, Edith.
and then when my grandmother passed away Edith.
she left it to Cousin Liz's mother on my mother's side, and that broke my mother's heart.
Edith, I'm gonna take my life, Edith.
I'll take my life, Edith.
from my grandmother on my mother's side, so Aunt Lucy prom-- Oh, Archie, Archie, don't do that.
I ain't interested in the silver tea set there, Edith.
You're the next of kin.
It'll come to you.
When you get it, you turn it over for $10.
Oh, it's worth more than that.
Ah, $12.
50.
No, that must be worth at least $2,000.
Two thousand doll-- get outta here.
Mm, sure.
That's real, antique, sterling silver.
That's worth a fortune these days, but I ain't gonna sell it, Archie.
It's gonna stay right in the family where it belongs.
There's a trip to California on that tray.
Uh, Edith, excuse me.
I wonder if I could speak to you privately for a minute.
Oh, sure.
Excuse us, Archie.
Oh, that's all right.
Yeah, I'll just mingle with the mourners a little bit, yeah.
Say, you don't wanna fool with that.
That's very, uh, valuable silver there.
Yeah, sure.
Get away from that.
Oh, ain't this lovely? Thank you.
Was this Liz's room? Well, this was our room, Edith.
Oh, you shared the same bedroom.
We shared everything.
Would you sit down please, Edith? Thank you.
Uh, Edith, um, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between you and Archie about Liz's silver tea set.
Oh, it's beautiful, ain't it? Yes, it is.
It gave us such pleasure.
I'm so glad.
Every afternoon after school, we'd spend a leisurely hour having tea, and no matter what, we always had that hour that belonged to just us.
Oh, that's nice.
And, uh, I know it's very valuable, but it means so much to me.
I was wondering if if maybe I could keep it? Oh, well, I don't know.
I--I'd see that it gets back into your family.
It's been in my family for 100 years.
See, originally it belonged to my great grandmother on my mother's side, and when she was married it was a wedding present from my great grandfa-- Oh, I'm sorry, Veronica.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Edith Your cousin Liz and I were very fond of each other extremely fond of each other.
Oh, I know we was, too.
No, um, you see, we we--we loved each other.
I know.
We loved each other, too.
I can remember when we was kids in school.
We was like sisters.
Uh, no, this wasn't like that.
We loved each other in a different way.
Oh, what way? Uh, well, this was more like a marriage.
A marriage? Oh, but it couldn't be.
I mean, you and Cousin Liz was both gi-- Oh.
Oh.
You mean that you and Cousin Liz-- Yes.
Oh.
We had a happy, wonderful life together, Oh.
Oh, uh, that's good.
I wonder why she never mentioned it.
Well, people don't wanna hear about those things.
I mean, do you think that we would have been allowed to continue to work as school teachers? Well, why not? I mean, that don't affect the brain, does it? Oh, oh, Veronica, I wish you hadn't told me about this.
So do I.
Oh, no, I didn't mean that.
I mean it's so sad.
It must have been terrible lovin' somebody and not bein' able to talk about it.
I--You can have the tea set.
I mean, it belongs to you.
You're really her next of kin.
Oh, thank you, Edith, thank you.
[KNOCK.]
Oh, uh, hey, Veronica, the guests seemed to wanna leave, so I told 'em to go ahead.
Oh.
Edith, you know somethin'? You were right, that's very valuable.
I turned it upside down, it says "silver" underneath there.
You know what you are? You're a "hairess," Edith.
Huh? Hey-- California, here I come Oh, no, Archie, no, we ain't goin' to California, 'cause we ain't takin' the tea set, Archie? Huh? We ain't takin the tea set.
I'm gonna let Veronica keep it.
Why? Because she deserves it.
Edith, you're Liz's closet living relation.
Veronica was even closer.
Sharin' the rent ain't thicker than blood.
No, see, Veronica was closer to Cousin Liz than me or anybody else.
What the hell are you talking about? Veronica--Veronica ain't even family.
It's--it's like to me, you're family.
Certainly I'm family.
You and me is married, Edith.
Well, Veronica and Cousin Liz was like married.
Are you tellin' me that Liz and Veronica was That beautiful girl that I kissed? Liz was a les? No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
No! Yeah.
Edith, you must have got something wrong, you heard something wrong, you got mixed up some way in this conversation you was havin' in there with Veronica.
Did you once hear the word "queer"? Shh! You'll embarrass her.
Embarrass her? What about me? How do you think I feel knowing a "devieration" like that was running around on your side of the family? But now that I think of that girl Les-- Liz.
Same thing, same thing.
No wonder when I kissed her she wouldn't do more.
And you want me to fix her up with poor Stretch in Heaven.
She ain't even gonna go to heaven! Archie, Veronica and Cousin Liz loved each other like you and me.
Oh, jeez Don't say that! Like you and-- Like you and me? Oh, Lord, help me.
You are so "nave" about these things.
I mean, don't you understand that there's a hell of a difference, huh, in love andsex between people who have the same and different hoo-nee? Oh, Archie, that part don't have nothin' to do with it.
That part has everything to do with it, that part! Turn around and march yourself in there, and you pick up your silver.
Let's go home to New York.
No, I ain't gonna do that, Archie.
You mean you're gonna disobey your husband? Yeah.
Case closed.
Well, we'll just see about this.
What are you gonna do? Archie, wait-- Say, uh, Veronica, hold it there a minute.
Now, look, I don't wanna get into nothin' personal with you at all.
All I wanna say to you is that silverware over there is legally the property of my wife here.
She gave it to me, Archie.
Well, I don't think she knew what she was doin', and, uh, I think we can have this whole thing settled in a court there.
Oh, no! Shh.
I think a judge-- a judge-- a judge ought to decide who gets that silver, huh? I don't have to do that.
Well, if I bring it into court you gotta do it.
Why don't we let a judge decide that? I can't do that.
Why can't you do that? Because I might lose my job.
What's your job got to do with the silverware over-- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh.
Certainly, because the judge wouldn't wanna hear nothin' about this, uh, "candlestine" romance goin' on here.
Oh, yes, you could get into a lot of trouble, there.
I could get her in a lot of trouble.
Archie, you wouldn't do that.
Well, she put the idea in my head.
Why wouldn't I do that? But didn't you hear her? She said she could lose her job.
Who the hell wants people like that teachin' our kids? I'm sure God don't.
God's sitting in judgment.
Well, sure, he is, but he's God.
You ain't.
Archie, listen, you wouldn't wanna be the cause of somebody losin' their job.
Oh, I don't know.
Archie, she's all alone in the world now, and she's got nobody to take care of her like I have, and she can't help how she feels.
And she didn't hurt you, so why should you wanna hurt her? Archie, I can't believe you'd do anything that mean.
[IMITATES EDITH.]
You stay here.
All right, Veronica, don't worry, we ain't gonna take ya into court.
And we ain't takin' the tea set neither.
Couldn't you wait? And we ain't takin' the tea set neither.
But I gotta tell ya one thing.
I can't understand youse people at all.
I mean, why don't youse all juststop that? You're a good-lookin' woman.
Why don't you go out and get yourself a good-lookin' guy there, and turn yourself around? Now, that is my advice to you, if you don't mind.
No, I don't mind.
Thank you, Archie.
Well, there, didn't you get somethin' out of that? Oh, maybe I done some good around here after all.
I think I got her back on her tracks.
Eh, but you.
You.
Ruin a trip to California that way.
You can always say the one dumb thing that forces me to make a dumb move.
Oh, it wasn't dumb, Archie.
You done the right thing, and I'm so proud of you.
Oh, save it for the motel, will you? What's this for? It's sugar tongs.
Oh, is that what that is? Could-- could this be used for ice? Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, yeah.
Well, she ain't gonna miss this.
Oh! Oh! ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.