All In The Family s08e09 Episode Script
Archie's Bitter Pill (2) (aka Archie's Road Back)
You take drugs? No, not drugs! Pills! Take one.
Go ahead, it'll pick you up.
Aw, no, I read about these things.
They get you hoppin' like a jackrabbit with an inside "hemrood.
" What are you gonna do? I'm gonna paint the porch! Oh, Archie, no! No, not now! Let's go upstairs! I'll paint upstairs tomorrow, the porch tonight! It's all right, Archie.
I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
Everything's gonna be all right, Archie.
[CRYING.]
I didn't mean no harm.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Well, I tell ya, see, my problem was business, you know? My business was kinda goin' bad, and I was gettin' the blues.
So, uh, I took some of these little pills.
Pills! We're living in a pill-oriented society.
We try to dull our minds to find new thrills to blot out the world of reality.
Shameful.
Yeah, well, I guess it is, yeah.
Well, what are you in the hospital for? I'm an alcoholic.
Funny, you look too square to be a dope addict.
Oh, well, come on, will ya? Dope addict.
Jeez, I ain't that.
I just took some medicine, that's all, like, uh, the way a doctor writes out a subscription there.
It's like your aspirin, your Rolaids and that, you know? I don't remember hearing you could get high on Rolaids.
Well, your memories shot-- you're a lush.
Bottoms up! Oh! I'm sorry! ARCHIE: Edith! Edith! Come back here.
What are you scared of there? Oh, I see it now.
Hey, Hanlin there, when you bottomed up, you also bottomed out.
ARCHIE: Yeah.
Uh, Edith, this is Mr.
Hanlin.
Oh, how do you do, Mr.
Hanlin? Very nice to have seen you.
Oh! Hey, Hanlin, Hanlin, be careful the way you face when you get out there! It's no use.
He's gonna moon the intensive care ward.
Oh, Archie, how do you feel? Oh, Edith, I feel so ashamed.
Oh, you shouldn't, Archie.
It was all my fault.
No, no, no, I signed the papers, and I bought the bar.
Oh, yeah, but I shouldn't have let you get away with forging my name.
I didn't forge it.
I traced it, Edith.
Trace, trace.
Well, all right, why'd you let me get away with it, then? Look at what the result is.
I'm laying here a failure.
Oh, no, not a failure.
You're just a forger.
Oh, jee-- You wanna say forger? All right, say forger.
Let's tell the world that the word is forger! Hey, everybody on the seventh floor, there! Run like hell! There's a forger laying in the middle of your midst here.
Shh, Archie, don't.
Why didn't you marry somebody else? You'd have been better off, Edith.
You know, you should've married Henderson the plumber.
He was an ugly mug, but, what the hell, he died young.
Oh, poor Alvin.
You were nuts about him, weren't you? Oh, yeah.
Oh, but I loved you! [GROANS.]
Well, I'll tell you one thing about a plumber, you know.
When a plumber's business goes into the toilet, you're sitting pretty.
[MOCK LAUGHS.]
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
There you are.
Now you're keeping your sunny side up.
[MOCKING.]
"Keeping your sunny side--" Jeez, I hate that.
I hate all of them songs! Giving you advice, like telling you to go sing in the rain and go walking through storm.
You could get yourself pneumonia trying to be happy.
Come on, now.
Watch it! That's where they harpooned me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
There.
Guess what the doctor said? Five hundred dollars.
No.
He says that you can leave here tomorrow, and after a couple of days' rest, you can go right back to work at the bar.
Back to what? Back to nothing.
No, it's gonna be different, Archie.
You're gonna have lots of customers.
Archie, would you promise me something? What, Edith? Would you promise me the next time you feel blue, instead of taking them pills, you'll come and talk to me? All right, Edith.
Aw, thank you.
I love you.
Truly, truly Dear Life with its sorrow Life-- Oh I didn't even have a chance to say good-bye.
With its tear-- Help me, Lord.
[CONTINUES SINGING.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Coming! GLORIA: It's us, Ma.
Oh.
Oh, come on in.
Hi, Ma.
Hi, Ma.
How's Daddy feeling? Oh, he's very down in the dumps.
Thank you for bringing over that portable TV set.
Is he watching it? Oh, yeah, all day long.
I just wish he'd turn it on.
Don't worry about him, Ma.
TV's better that way anyway.
That sounds like he's still bananas.
You know what Archie needs? He's gotta get up out of that bed and go back to work.
Yeah.
He does, but he won't.
I keep trying to cheer him up with stories about some of my relatives that had worse luck than he did, like my uncle Norbert whose business partner ran away with all his money and his wife.
And uncle Norbert ran out to stop him, and he got hit by a bus, which broke his right leg.
Lucky for him.
Lucky? Yeah, that was his aluminum leg.
Oh.
ARCHIE: Edith, I told you to leave the cigars up here on the dresser.
Now I gotta come down and get one.
Oh, he's coming down.
Come on, then, honey, let's cheer him up.
All right.
I'll tell him I became a Republican.
Sing to him.
Sing? Yeah.
For he's a jolly good fellow [TOGETHER.]
For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny Hi.
Edith, do we have to have these people over? They're just happy that you're up.
Ahh.
Yeah, Daddy.
Look at you, though.
You haven't gotten dressed yet today.
And you didn't shave either.
And your hair's all messed up.
So I won't make the cover of Harper's Brassiere.
Just leave me alone, huh? And get out of my chair.
I'm not in your chair.
You're leaning on it! Daddy, I think you should go back to work.
If you get back to the bar, you'll have people to talk to.
I ain't got no customers.
The only way I talk to people at my bar is if I burn down the joint and have words with the firemen.
Arch, you know what your problem is? You took on too much for one man to handle.
Yeah, I think you should share the work with somebody, Daddy.
You should take on a partner.
Nah, nah.
You should've gone in with Harry.
No! Maybe if you ask him nice, Harry would come back-- No! No! Arch, Harry's a good bartender, and he's a good friend.
I'm getting ready to say no again, little girl.
No-ho-ho-ho-ho! And he's a lodge brother.
He's always been very close to you.
Listen, Edith, it's my experience in life that the closer people get to me, the more they wanna kill me.
Look at Harry.
He runs over there to the competition.
He was the one that talked McFeeny into going topless.
I thought just the waitresses was topless.
And instead of the little pills, you want me to come and talk to you.
Arch, come on, talk to Harry.
All you have to do is apologize.
Ap-ap-ap-ap-apologize? To a guy for killing me? Did Lincoln apologize to Alexander Graham Booth? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
John Wilkes Booth, Daddy.
Don't repeat what I say.
Oh, Manuel.
Bonus Dias.
Oh, now, don't tell me-- Manuel, Manuel, what are you doing over here? You're supposed to be watching the saloon.
Well, boss, there's a little problem with the customers.
What? We ain't got none.
You mean, nobody came in there all day? I ain't saying nobody come in.
Actually there was people coming and going all the time.
Yeah, well? They was coming in with bills.
They was going out with furniture.
You hear that? They repossessed the piano.
They carried away the refrigeration unit.
Anything else? Well, if you want to play the pinball machine, you got to go to Sicily.
Did you hear that? Why didn't you call me? The telephone don't work so good, boss, since they disconnected it.
Edith.
Oh, I heard that.
Look, I got to be running along now.
This has been a pretty bad day for me.
I mean I'm feeling pretty rotten.
You're feeling pretty rotten? Yeah, I was going to ask you for a raise.
I'm sorry, Archie.
Rotten luck, Arch.
No, it ain't rotten luck.
Rotten me.
That's what it is.
I ain't no businessman.
I'm nothing.
I think that's what I was born to be-- nothing.
Archie, I can't let you say that.
It's too late, Edith.
I just said it.
Well I'm just gonna bid my fond adieus to all of youse.
Where are you going? I'm going upstairs.
I'm going to get into that bed, and I'm going to turn my face to the wall.
Oh, no-- Yes, yes for the next 20 years or until I die, whichever comes first.
You wanna do something for me? You write up an ad that I can put up in the paper, and I'm gonna dump that bar on the first guy that makes me a good offer.
Arch, you can't do that.
That's giving up.
Edith, Edith, Edith, just go set the alarm clock for 1997.
You're going to sleep for 20 years? If it was good enough for Rip Van Heusen MIKE AND EDITH: Winkle.
Winkle Van Heusen then ipso fatso it's good enough for me.
But, Arch, wait-- No, no, no, no What are you-- Please, Archie.
[SIGHS.]
I don't understand.
I always thought that bar did such good business.
It did, when Harry was running it for Kelsey.
If we can only get Archie and Harry back together again.
That's right.
I'm gonna go down there to McFeeny's and talk to Harry.
What--Ma--Ma, wait a second, wait a second.
You can't go to McFeeny's, Ma.
It's a topless place.
I don't care.
I ain't gonna look at them--that--those.
Ma, what about all the people that hang around down there? The dregs of humanity, men with twisted moralities and rumpled raincoats.
Ma, all that nudity.
That nudity, Ma.
I better go instead.
Do you mind? Eh, when you're number one, you don't have to worry.
Doctor, he won't get out of bed.
He says he's gonna stay there for 20 years or for the rest of his life until he dies, whichever comes first.
MIKE: What the hell are you doing?! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Thanks a lot, Arch! Gloria Gloria, did I ever tell you how much I like your father? No, honey.
Well, I'm not gonna start now.
The man is meaner on his back than he ever was on his feet.
Just sit down.
It'll be all right.
Ma, what did Dr.
Shapiro say? He says we gotta be very patient with Archie and give him lots of love.
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.]
You hear me laughing at that? Patient and love to Archie? Ma, I tried to show the man patience, but he shakes up his beer can, and he squirts it at me.
As far as love is concerned, it's very hard to sustain love when after he drinks the beer, he throws the can at you.
I tell you, Ma, it is not the basis for an affectionate relationship.
Every time I go upstairs, he just keeps saying to me over and over again, "Little girl, when's the Meathead gonna put the 'For Sale' ad in the paper for the bar?" Gloria, I am not going to put that ad in the paper.
That is a good little bar.
Why should he throw it away just like that? Well, I'm more worried about Daddy than I am the bar.
You know he hasn't eaten anything since yesterday? Well, today I made him some nice Hungarian goulash.
I thought goulash upsets his stomach.
Oh, no, he loves goulash.
It's Hungarians that upset him.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, I bet that's Harry.
Oh, I hope he ain't still mad at Archie.
Hiya, Harry.
I'm glad you're here.
Come on in.
Edith, how are you? Thank you so much for coming.
Sit down, Harry.
I only come 'cause of you, Edith, 'cause you got a sick man on your hands.
How about some coffee? No thanks.
How about going back to work with Archie? I didn't come to talk business.
Harry, you have to talk to Archie.
He needs a good bartender like you that has a lot of steady customers to get the business started again.
He certainly does.
He needs you, Harry.
Nah.
You wouldn't have to work for him.
You could be partners.
No way Archie and me could be partners.
Oh, that's too bad.
Uh, but if it would make you feel better, I'd be happy to go up and talk to him.
Oh, would you? Sure.
Oh, great, Harry.
That's terrific because he just sits up there all day.
He doesn't want to talk to anybody.
He'll be so glad to see you.
Yeah, but I promise you one thing, Edith.
I leave the first time he gives me a [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
I'm just gonna show you the way.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I wanna look out the window.
[ARCHIE LAUGHS.]
Oh, that Dennis.
He really is a menace.
Such a rotten kid, I love him.
EDITH: Archie.
Oh, Archie, guess who's here to see you.
If it ain't Alice Faye, tell them, "Get the hell out of here.
" It's your old friend Harry.
Oh, uh Harry, huh? EDITH: Yeah.
Well, Edith, you had your instructions.
That's it.
Wait a second.
It ain't personal.
He talks like that to everybody.
You know that.
You should hear some of the things he says to me.
But he always liked Harry, honey.
He never liked you.
Anyway, let me try again.
Daddy.
Now, Daddy, Harry was nice enough to come see you.
Are you going to be nice to him? No! It's hopeless.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
All right, shut up, shut up.
[EVERYONE SILENCES.]
All right, all right.
Just, uh give me a minute here to get myself out of my bed, and I'll be there.
All right.
I'm opening the door.
[GLORIA MUTTERS.]
Ow.
EDITH: Oh.
Well? Hello.
Hello.
Can I sit down? What are you, tired? I ain't tired.
Well, then, by no means would I say that you, uh-- sit down, there.
Thanks.
Should I remove this? What for? Make you feel at home.
Topless, you know? So, uh, how are things at Archie's Place? Oh, I'd say, uh, the same.
Same as what? Same as yesterday.
I heard they weren't so good yesterday or the day before yesterday.
or the day before that.
Listen, listen I like to run a nice, respectable, what I call "establishment," there.
You know? Ain't all the crowds of people there, talking, laughing it up, all that hiller-arity, you know? Who the hell needs that in a saloon? Look, Arch.
I know how it is.
It's tough for the little guy.
The minute he walks out the front door, he's in trouble.
Everybody takes a hunk out of him.
He walks, the muggers zap him.
He runs, the buses clip him.
He tries to make a buck, the government knocks him off.
He tries to fool them all by hiding in the grave, the medical students grab what's left of him.
Yeah, it's awful, ain't it, huh? He feels like a failure, a loser, a nothing, a lowly worm crawling in the dirt.
Well, don't say that, Harry.
I mean, after all you may be a worm, but you ain't crawling in the dirt.
You want your old job back? You got it.
Add a little cut in salary of course.
I wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about you.
No, you wasn't talking about me! I ain't no worm.
I'm a boss.
I don't know what the hell you are.
You wanna know what I am? I'll tell you what I am! I ain't up to my butt in debts! That's what I am.
Well, let me tell you something.
The good Lord will forgive me for being up to my butt in debts, but you, Harry-- you're going straight to hell for being up to your butt in boobs.
What a jerk I am! Here I was willing to come back, pay off everything you owe, and be your partner.
What a dummy! Who asked you to do that? Edith asked me, that's who! And Mike and Gloria, too.
Ohso they done that, huh? Hey, out there in the hall listening at the door! Mind your own business! They was just trying to help you, and so was I.
Now, do you or do you not want me for a partner?! [BLOWS RASPBERRIES TO SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT.]
That does it! I'd rather work with topless here than topless here! Go on and work with-- Harry, wait a second! Hold on, let me talk to him.
I'll bring him out to you.
Arch, what are you doing? Harry's giving you a chance to save the bar.
You're lying here in bed? Fare thee well, Meathead.
Oh, look at this.
He's under the covers.
Now, come on, Daddy.
Oh, Ma, look at him lying here like a fetus in the womb.
I don't care what Ma's gonna feed us at noon.
I ain't eatin' nothin'! Daddy, are you ever going to get out of this bed? No! Here I lay in my bed till death us do part.
And I'm stone dead.
All right, Archie.
When we got married, we promised we would stay together for the rest of our lives.
So my place is by your side.
Oh, jee--oh, come on, Edith.
What are you doing? Can't you leave me alone in my rotten misery here? God.
[ARCHIE SIGHS.]
Well, we've always been a close-knit family.
Come on, come on.
Now, what in the hell is this here?! Parents and child in a one bed like a family of dogs.
Get out of here! Get out of this bed! No! ARCHIE: Get out of this bed.
Get out of here.
Well, I'm not going to face this cruel world all by myself.
[LAUGHS.]
Look who's here.
Look who's here with Daddy.
Well, my God, this is a disgrace.
Get out of this bed, all of you! Get out-- [GLORIA SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHING.]
[ARCHIE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey, look at this! He's out of bed! I don't believe it.
Come on, Arch, go out there and talk to Harry.
No! He's a worker.
I'm a boss.
I ain't going to him.
Harry, go in there and talk to Archie.
I'm the guy with the money.
Let him come out here.
Oh, Archie, this is your big chance.
Be nice.
Don't everybody be telling me to be nice! I ain't changing my life for nobody.
Harry, come on, don't blow a good opportunity like this just because he's being stubborn! Now, come on! Don't push me around! Okay, Arch, I'll bail you out.
And we're partners, Well, wait a minute, What are you talking about? Seventy-thirty.
Sixty-forty.
Uh--uh60-30.
Sixty-thirty? There ain't no 60-30.
Well, what do you gotta get so I get 60? Forty.
I got you there, wise guy.
Deal! Sixty-forty.
How about that? All right.
Now, listen, you get down and open up the joint, see.
Why me? We're partners.
When 60 talks, Oh! [MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
MAN:ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.
Go ahead, it'll pick you up.
Aw, no, I read about these things.
They get you hoppin' like a jackrabbit with an inside "hemrood.
" What are you gonna do? I'm gonna paint the porch! Oh, Archie, no! No, not now! Let's go upstairs! I'll paint upstairs tomorrow, the porch tonight! It's all right, Archie.
I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
Everything's gonna be all right, Archie.
[CRYING.]
I didn't mean no harm.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Well, I tell ya, see, my problem was business, you know? My business was kinda goin' bad, and I was gettin' the blues.
So, uh, I took some of these little pills.
Pills! We're living in a pill-oriented society.
We try to dull our minds to find new thrills to blot out the world of reality.
Shameful.
Yeah, well, I guess it is, yeah.
Well, what are you in the hospital for? I'm an alcoholic.
Funny, you look too square to be a dope addict.
Oh, well, come on, will ya? Dope addict.
Jeez, I ain't that.
I just took some medicine, that's all, like, uh, the way a doctor writes out a subscription there.
It's like your aspirin, your Rolaids and that, you know? I don't remember hearing you could get high on Rolaids.
Well, your memories shot-- you're a lush.
Bottoms up! Oh! I'm sorry! ARCHIE: Edith! Edith! Come back here.
What are you scared of there? Oh, I see it now.
Hey, Hanlin there, when you bottomed up, you also bottomed out.
ARCHIE: Yeah.
Uh, Edith, this is Mr.
Hanlin.
Oh, how do you do, Mr.
Hanlin? Very nice to have seen you.
Oh! Hey, Hanlin, Hanlin, be careful the way you face when you get out there! It's no use.
He's gonna moon the intensive care ward.
Oh, Archie, how do you feel? Oh, Edith, I feel so ashamed.
Oh, you shouldn't, Archie.
It was all my fault.
No, no, no, I signed the papers, and I bought the bar.
Oh, yeah, but I shouldn't have let you get away with forging my name.
I didn't forge it.
I traced it, Edith.
Trace, trace.
Well, all right, why'd you let me get away with it, then? Look at what the result is.
I'm laying here a failure.
Oh, no, not a failure.
You're just a forger.
Oh, jee-- You wanna say forger? All right, say forger.
Let's tell the world that the word is forger! Hey, everybody on the seventh floor, there! Run like hell! There's a forger laying in the middle of your midst here.
Shh, Archie, don't.
Why didn't you marry somebody else? You'd have been better off, Edith.
You know, you should've married Henderson the plumber.
He was an ugly mug, but, what the hell, he died young.
Oh, poor Alvin.
You were nuts about him, weren't you? Oh, yeah.
Oh, but I loved you! [GROANS.]
Well, I'll tell you one thing about a plumber, you know.
When a plumber's business goes into the toilet, you're sitting pretty.
[MOCK LAUGHS.]
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
There you are.
Now you're keeping your sunny side up.
[MOCKING.]
"Keeping your sunny side--" Jeez, I hate that.
I hate all of them songs! Giving you advice, like telling you to go sing in the rain and go walking through storm.
You could get yourself pneumonia trying to be happy.
Come on, now.
Watch it! That's where they harpooned me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
There.
Guess what the doctor said? Five hundred dollars.
No.
He says that you can leave here tomorrow, and after a couple of days' rest, you can go right back to work at the bar.
Back to what? Back to nothing.
No, it's gonna be different, Archie.
You're gonna have lots of customers.
Archie, would you promise me something? What, Edith? Would you promise me the next time you feel blue, instead of taking them pills, you'll come and talk to me? All right, Edith.
Aw, thank you.
I love you.
Truly, truly Dear Life with its sorrow Life-- Oh I didn't even have a chance to say good-bye.
With its tear-- Help me, Lord.
[CONTINUES SINGING.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Coming! GLORIA: It's us, Ma.
Oh.
Oh, come on in.
Hi, Ma.
Hi, Ma.
How's Daddy feeling? Oh, he's very down in the dumps.
Thank you for bringing over that portable TV set.
Is he watching it? Oh, yeah, all day long.
I just wish he'd turn it on.
Don't worry about him, Ma.
TV's better that way anyway.
That sounds like he's still bananas.
You know what Archie needs? He's gotta get up out of that bed and go back to work.
Yeah.
He does, but he won't.
I keep trying to cheer him up with stories about some of my relatives that had worse luck than he did, like my uncle Norbert whose business partner ran away with all his money and his wife.
And uncle Norbert ran out to stop him, and he got hit by a bus, which broke his right leg.
Lucky for him.
Lucky? Yeah, that was his aluminum leg.
Oh.
ARCHIE: Edith, I told you to leave the cigars up here on the dresser.
Now I gotta come down and get one.
Oh, he's coming down.
Come on, then, honey, let's cheer him up.
All right.
I'll tell him I became a Republican.
Sing to him.
Sing? Yeah.
For he's a jolly good fellow [TOGETHER.]
For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny Hi.
Edith, do we have to have these people over? They're just happy that you're up.
Ahh.
Yeah, Daddy.
Look at you, though.
You haven't gotten dressed yet today.
And you didn't shave either.
And your hair's all messed up.
So I won't make the cover of Harper's Brassiere.
Just leave me alone, huh? And get out of my chair.
I'm not in your chair.
You're leaning on it! Daddy, I think you should go back to work.
If you get back to the bar, you'll have people to talk to.
I ain't got no customers.
The only way I talk to people at my bar is if I burn down the joint and have words with the firemen.
Arch, you know what your problem is? You took on too much for one man to handle.
Yeah, I think you should share the work with somebody, Daddy.
You should take on a partner.
Nah, nah.
You should've gone in with Harry.
No! Maybe if you ask him nice, Harry would come back-- No! No! Arch, Harry's a good bartender, and he's a good friend.
I'm getting ready to say no again, little girl.
No-ho-ho-ho-ho! And he's a lodge brother.
He's always been very close to you.
Listen, Edith, it's my experience in life that the closer people get to me, the more they wanna kill me.
Look at Harry.
He runs over there to the competition.
He was the one that talked McFeeny into going topless.
I thought just the waitresses was topless.
And instead of the little pills, you want me to come and talk to you.
Arch, come on, talk to Harry.
All you have to do is apologize.
Ap-ap-ap-ap-apologize? To a guy for killing me? Did Lincoln apologize to Alexander Graham Booth? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
John Wilkes Booth, Daddy.
Don't repeat what I say.
Oh, Manuel.
Bonus Dias.
Oh, now, don't tell me-- Manuel, Manuel, what are you doing over here? You're supposed to be watching the saloon.
Well, boss, there's a little problem with the customers.
What? We ain't got none.
You mean, nobody came in there all day? I ain't saying nobody come in.
Actually there was people coming and going all the time.
Yeah, well? They was coming in with bills.
They was going out with furniture.
You hear that? They repossessed the piano.
They carried away the refrigeration unit.
Anything else? Well, if you want to play the pinball machine, you got to go to Sicily.
Did you hear that? Why didn't you call me? The telephone don't work so good, boss, since they disconnected it.
Edith.
Oh, I heard that.
Look, I got to be running along now.
This has been a pretty bad day for me.
I mean I'm feeling pretty rotten.
You're feeling pretty rotten? Yeah, I was going to ask you for a raise.
I'm sorry, Archie.
Rotten luck, Arch.
No, it ain't rotten luck.
Rotten me.
That's what it is.
I ain't no businessman.
I'm nothing.
I think that's what I was born to be-- nothing.
Archie, I can't let you say that.
It's too late, Edith.
I just said it.
Well I'm just gonna bid my fond adieus to all of youse.
Where are you going? I'm going upstairs.
I'm going to get into that bed, and I'm going to turn my face to the wall.
Oh, no-- Yes, yes for the next 20 years or until I die, whichever comes first.
You wanna do something for me? You write up an ad that I can put up in the paper, and I'm gonna dump that bar on the first guy that makes me a good offer.
Arch, you can't do that.
That's giving up.
Edith, Edith, Edith, just go set the alarm clock for 1997.
You're going to sleep for 20 years? If it was good enough for Rip Van Heusen MIKE AND EDITH: Winkle.
Winkle Van Heusen then ipso fatso it's good enough for me.
But, Arch, wait-- No, no, no, no What are you-- Please, Archie.
[SIGHS.]
I don't understand.
I always thought that bar did such good business.
It did, when Harry was running it for Kelsey.
If we can only get Archie and Harry back together again.
That's right.
I'm gonna go down there to McFeeny's and talk to Harry.
What--Ma--Ma, wait a second, wait a second.
You can't go to McFeeny's, Ma.
It's a topless place.
I don't care.
I ain't gonna look at them--that--those.
Ma, what about all the people that hang around down there? The dregs of humanity, men with twisted moralities and rumpled raincoats.
Ma, all that nudity.
That nudity, Ma.
I better go instead.
Do you mind? Eh, when you're number one, you don't have to worry.
Doctor, he won't get out of bed.
He says he's gonna stay there for 20 years or for the rest of his life until he dies, whichever comes first.
MIKE: What the hell are you doing?! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Thanks a lot, Arch! Gloria Gloria, did I ever tell you how much I like your father? No, honey.
Well, I'm not gonna start now.
The man is meaner on his back than he ever was on his feet.
Just sit down.
It'll be all right.
Ma, what did Dr.
Shapiro say? He says we gotta be very patient with Archie and give him lots of love.
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.]
You hear me laughing at that? Patient and love to Archie? Ma, I tried to show the man patience, but he shakes up his beer can, and he squirts it at me.
As far as love is concerned, it's very hard to sustain love when after he drinks the beer, he throws the can at you.
I tell you, Ma, it is not the basis for an affectionate relationship.
Every time I go upstairs, he just keeps saying to me over and over again, "Little girl, when's the Meathead gonna put the 'For Sale' ad in the paper for the bar?" Gloria, I am not going to put that ad in the paper.
That is a good little bar.
Why should he throw it away just like that? Well, I'm more worried about Daddy than I am the bar.
You know he hasn't eaten anything since yesterday? Well, today I made him some nice Hungarian goulash.
I thought goulash upsets his stomach.
Oh, no, he loves goulash.
It's Hungarians that upset him.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, I bet that's Harry.
Oh, I hope he ain't still mad at Archie.
Hiya, Harry.
I'm glad you're here.
Come on in.
Edith, how are you? Thank you so much for coming.
Sit down, Harry.
I only come 'cause of you, Edith, 'cause you got a sick man on your hands.
How about some coffee? No thanks.
How about going back to work with Archie? I didn't come to talk business.
Harry, you have to talk to Archie.
He needs a good bartender like you that has a lot of steady customers to get the business started again.
He certainly does.
He needs you, Harry.
Nah.
You wouldn't have to work for him.
You could be partners.
No way Archie and me could be partners.
Oh, that's too bad.
Uh, but if it would make you feel better, I'd be happy to go up and talk to him.
Oh, would you? Sure.
Oh, great, Harry.
That's terrific because he just sits up there all day.
He doesn't want to talk to anybody.
He'll be so glad to see you.
Yeah, but I promise you one thing, Edith.
I leave the first time he gives me a [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
I'm just gonna show you the way.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I wanna look out the window.
[ARCHIE LAUGHS.]
Oh, that Dennis.
He really is a menace.
Such a rotten kid, I love him.
EDITH: Archie.
Oh, Archie, guess who's here to see you.
If it ain't Alice Faye, tell them, "Get the hell out of here.
" It's your old friend Harry.
Oh, uh Harry, huh? EDITH: Yeah.
Well, Edith, you had your instructions.
That's it.
Wait a second.
It ain't personal.
He talks like that to everybody.
You know that.
You should hear some of the things he says to me.
But he always liked Harry, honey.
He never liked you.
Anyway, let me try again.
Daddy.
Now, Daddy, Harry was nice enough to come see you.
Are you going to be nice to him? No! It's hopeless.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
All right, shut up, shut up.
[EVERYONE SILENCES.]
All right, all right.
Just, uh give me a minute here to get myself out of my bed, and I'll be there.
All right.
I'm opening the door.
[GLORIA MUTTERS.]
Ow.
EDITH: Oh.
Well? Hello.
Hello.
Can I sit down? What are you, tired? I ain't tired.
Well, then, by no means would I say that you, uh-- sit down, there.
Thanks.
Should I remove this? What for? Make you feel at home.
Topless, you know? So, uh, how are things at Archie's Place? Oh, I'd say, uh, the same.
Same as what? Same as yesterday.
I heard they weren't so good yesterday or the day before yesterday.
or the day before that.
Listen, listen I like to run a nice, respectable, what I call "establishment," there.
You know? Ain't all the crowds of people there, talking, laughing it up, all that hiller-arity, you know? Who the hell needs that in a saloon? Look, Arch.
I know how it is.
It's tough for the little guy.
The minute he walks out the front door, he's in trouble.
Everybody takes a hunk out of him.
He walks, the muggers zap him.
He runs, the buses clip him.
He tries to make a buck, the government knocks him off.
He tries to fool them all by hiding in the grave, the medical students grab what's left of him.
Yeah, it's awful, ain't it, huh? He feels like a failure, a loser, a nothing, a lowly worm crawling in the dirt.
Well, don't say that, Harry.
I mean, after all you may be a worm, but you ain't crawling in the dirt.
You want your old job back? You got it.
Add a little cut in salary of course.
I wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about you.
No, you wasn't talking about me! I ain't no worm.
I'm a boss.
I don't know what the hell you are.
You wanna know what I am? I'll tell you what I am! I ain't up to my butt in debts! That's what I am.
Well, let me tell you something.
The good Lord will forgive me for being up to my butt in debts, but you, Harry-- you're going straight to hell for being up to your butt in boobs.
What a jerk I am! Here I was willing to come back, pay off everything you owe, and be your partner.
What a dummy! Who asked you to do that? Edith asked me, that's who! And Mike and Gloria, too.
Ohso they done that, huh? Hey, out there in the hall listening at the door! Mind your own business! They was just trying to help you, and so was I.
Now, do you or do you not want me for a partner?! [BLOWS RASPBERRIES TO SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT.]
That does it! I'd rather work with topless here than topless here! Go on and work with-- Harry, wait a second! Hold on, let me talk to him.
I'll bring him out to you.
Arch, what are you doing? Harry's giving you a chance to save the bar.
You're lying here in bed? Fare thee well, Meathead.
Oh, look at this.
He's under the covers.
Now, come on, Daddy.
Oh, Ma, look at him lying here like a fetus in the womb.
I don't care what Ma's gonna feed us at noon.
I ain't eatin' nothin'! Daddy, are you ever going to get out of this bed? No! Here I lay in my bed till death us do part.
And I'm stone dead.
All right, Archie.
When we got married, we promised we would stay together for the rest of our lives.
So my place is by your side.
Oh, jee--oh, come on, Edith.
What are you doing? Can't you leave me alone in my rotten misery here? God.
[ARCHIE SIGHS.]
Well, we've always been a close-knit family.
Come on, come on.
Now, what in the hell is this here?! Parents and child in a one bed like a family of dogs.
Get out of here! Get out of this bed! No! ARCHIE: Get out of this bed.
Get out of here.
Well, I'm not going to face this cruel world all by myself.
[LAUGHS.]
Look who's here.
Look who's here with Daddy.
Well, my God, this is a disgrace.
Get out of this bed, all of you! Get out-- [GLORIA SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHING.]
[ARCHIE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey, look at this! He's out of bed! I don't believe it.
Come on, Arch, go out there and talk to Harry.
No! He's a worker.
I'm a boss.
I ain't going to him.
Harry, go in there and talk to Archie.
I'm the guy with the money.
Let him come out here.
Oh, Archie, this is your big chance.
Be nice.
Don't everybody be telling me to be nice! I ain't changing my life for nobody.
Harry, come on, don't blow a good opportunity like this just because he's being stubborn! Now, come on! Don't push me around! Okay, Arch, I'll bail you out.
And we're partners, Well, wait a minute, What are you talking about? Seventy-thirty.
Sixty-forty.
Uh--uh60-30.
Sixty-thirty? There ain't no 60-30.
Well, what do you gotta get so I get 60? Forty.
I got you there, wise guy.
Deal! Sixty-forty.
How about that? All right.
Now, listen, you get down and open up the joint, see.
Why me? We're partners.
When 60 talks, Oh! [MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
MAN:ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.