'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s02e03 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
I SHOULD BE TUCKED UP
IN A NICE WARM BED
IN MY CAFE
COUNTING SHEEP.
INSTEAD,
I AM STANDING HERE
DISGUISED
AS A MUSHROOM PICKER
COUNTING COWS
GOING THROUGH THIS GATE.
I WILL TELL YOU
A SECRET--
NOT ALL OF THESE COWS
ARE COWS.
ONE OF THEM CONTAINS
TWO ESCAPING BRITISH AIRMEN.
CAN YOU DETECT
WHICH ONE?
Carstairs:
HOLD ON A MINUTE,
I'VE LOST MY WATCH.
THAT WAS NOT
VERY DIFFICULT, WAS IT?
COME!
WE MUST HURRY.
THE PLANE
WILL BE HERE
IN FOUR MINUTES.
WE MUST GET
ACROSS THE ROAD
BEHIND THE COPSE.
Carstairs:
I HOPE THERE AREN'
ANY BULLS ABOUT.
Fairfax:
I SHOULDN'T WORRY.
THE OTHER COWS HAVE
MUCH MORE INTERESTING
BACKSIDES THAN YOURS.
OH HECK, IT IS
A GERMAN PATROL.
- WHAT?!
- GET DOWN!
HIDE BEHIND THE HEDGE.
( blows lamp )
HAVE YOUR GUNS
AT THE READY.
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I AM A SIMPLE
MILKING MAID.
I AM TAKING THESE COWS
TO THE MEADOW
WHERE THEY WILL EAT
THE GRASS.
THE GREEN GRASS
WILL MAKE THE MILK.
THE MILK WILL MAKE
THE BUTTER.
AND THE BUTTER
WE WILL SPREAD ON THE BREAD
OF THE VICTORIOUS
GERMAN SOLDIER.
WE ARE ABOUT TO DIE
AND HE STARTS
A LECTURE ON FARMING.
WE ARE IN NEED
OF SOME MILK.
KURT, LEND ME
YOUR HELMET.
I WILL OBTAIN SOME
FROM THESE COWS.
BUT THEY HAVE
ALREADY BEEN MILKED.
WE NEED JUST
A FEW SQUIRTS
FOR OUR COFFEE.
OH MY GOD.
THIS APPEARS
TO BE A QUIET ONE.
IF THEY FIND OUT
IT IS A WASHING UP GLOVE
HANGING DOWN THERE,
WE HAVE HAD IT.
( gun cocks )
( guns cock )
UNFORTUNATELY,
IT SEEMS TO HAVE
VERY SMALL TITTIES.
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
COME AWAY FROM THAT COW.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE ON PATROL.
I AM SORRY, SERGEANT.
PUT YOUR HELMETS
BACK ON.
GET INTO LINE.
QUICK, MARCH!
THAT WAS
A NEAR THING.
HE ACTUALLY
GOT HOLD OF IT.
OH MY GOD.
I WAS SO SCARED,
I HAVE BEEN EATING
A TOADSTOOL.
I WILL PROBABLY DIE.
( retches )
BE QUIET.
- ( airplane droning )
- I HEAR THE PLANE.
WE MUST HURRY.
Edith:
IT IS A VERY BIG ONE.
I THINK IT IS
A TRANSPORT PLANE.
RENE, HOW CAN THA
GREAT BIG PLANE
LAND IN THIS
LITTLE FIELD?
IT IS NOT LANDING.
LOOK!
Maria:
THEY HAVE RELEASED
TWO PARACHUTES.
THEY ARE GOING TO DROP
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WOOD.
QUICK!
THEY MUST HAVE LANDED
SOMEWHERE NEAR HERE.
Fairfax:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GOING NO FURTHER
UNTIL SOMEONE TELLS ME
WHAT'S GOING ON.
I AGREE.
AH, I SEE SOMETHING.
IT IS A COPPER.
I SAY, IS ANYONE
DOWN THERE?
OH MY GOD.
NOT ANOTHER
I SAY,
ARE YOU FROM H.Q.?
WE RATHER THOUGHT
THE PLANE WOULD LAND.
CHANGE OF PLAN.
WE'RE TRYING OUT
A NEW ESCAPE PACKAGE.
WE'D BETTER
GET YOU DOWN,
I SUPPOSE.
I SEEM TO BE
A BIT STUCK.
IF RENE HELD ME UP
IN HIS STRONG ARMS,
I COULD REACH UP
AND PULL HIM DOWN.
HE COULD HOLD ME
IN HIS STRONG ARMS.
OH, BUT I MIGHT
DROP YOU, PRECIOUS.
COME ALONG.
THIS WAY.
UP YOU GET.
QUICKLY,
MARIA.
( Maria, Rene grunting )
- ( squeals )
- ( rips )
WHAT'S GOING ON,
FAIRFAX?
ONE OF THE BARMAIDS
HAS PULLED THE POLICEMAN'S
TROUSERS DOWN.
IT'S ALL A GO,
ISN'T IT?
- Yvette: SOMETHING IS GIVING.
- Rene: WHAT? WHAT?
( all panting )
I THOUGHT THAT WAS ALL
RATHER EXCITING.
WHY HAVE THEY SENT US
THEY SENT ME OVER
BECAUSE I SPEAK FRENCH.
THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT.
THEY HAVE SENT HIM
BECAUSE HE SPEAKS FRENCH.
- OH!
- AH!
( horrible French accent )
'ALLO, EVERYBODY!
AH, TO HEAR
OUR OWN TONGUE.
I HAVE BRUNG GROOTINGS
FROM BRITISH ONTELLIGENCE
HEADQUITTERS.
WHAT DOES HE SAY?
I THINK HE BRINGS
GREETINGS
FROM INTELLIGENCE
HEADQUARTERS.
I HAVE DISGEESED
AS POLOCEMAN
SO I AM OBLE TO MOVE ABOOT
WITH COMPLETE FRODOM.
DO YOU THINK HE WILL
GET AWAY WITH THAT ACCENT?
AS LONG AS HE
DOES NOT SPEAK, YES.
WE WILL TELL EVERYONE
THAT HE COMES
FROM A REMOTE VILLAGE
IN THE COUNTRY.
ON THE OUTSKIRTS
OF PEKING.
WE PICKED UP
THIS PACKAGE.
THIS IS
THE ESCOPE POOKAGE.
YOU MUST HEED IT
IN YOUR SEALER.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- THE ESCAPE PACKAGE.
YOU MUST HIDE IT
IN THE CELLAR.
HOW DOES HE KNOW
I HAVE A CELLAR?
IN LONDON,
WE ARE NOT STEEPID.
WE KNOW EVERY MAUVE
YOU MOOK.
Colonel:
WHO IS IT?
IT IS I!
HELGA!
ENTER.
- WAS YOUR MISSION SUCCESSFUL?
- YES, COLONEL.
WHAT MISSION WAS THIS?
I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT A MISSION.
HANS, I DON'T
TELL YOU EVERYTHING.
THE LESS YOU KNOW ABOUT
SOME THINGS, THE BETTER.
COME FORWARD AND STAND
IN FRONT OF ME.
I DON'T WISH ANYONE
TO SEE THROUGH
THE WINDOWS
WHAT WE ARE UP TO.
NOW
SHOW ME WHA
YOU'VE GOT.
GOOD.
PERFECT.
COLONEL
AM I ALLOWED TO SEE
WHAT HELGA HAS GOT?
HELGA HAS A NORMAL
KNOCKWURST.
MADE BY A BUTCHER,
WHICH WE'LL BE SENDING
TO THE FUHRER.
IT IS VERY SIMPLE.
THE PRICELESS PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
IS CONCEALED INSIDE
A KNOCKWURST,
WHICH IS HIDDEN
IN RENE'S CELLAR.
THE FORGED PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
IS CONCEALED INSIDE
A SIMILAR KNOCKWURST,
WHICH IS HANGING
IN RENE'S KITCHEN.
THE KNOCKWURST
CONCEALED ON MY PERSON
IS TO BE SENT TO HERR HITLER,
WHO IS UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THAT IT CONTAINS
THE ORIGINAL PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
- WHICH IS IN THE CELLAR.
- WHICH HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO
THINKS IS IN THE KITCHEN.
I ONLY ASKED
IF I COULD HAVE A LOOK.
- ( knocks on door )
- WHO IS IT?
IT IS ONLY ME,
DEAR COLONEL--
RENE FROM THE CAFE.
( shouts )
COME INSIDE!
WE HAVE GOOD NEWS.
HELGA HAS
A NORMAL KNOCKWURST
TO PUT ON THE TRAIN
TO BERLIN
FOR THE FUHRER.
HELGA,
SHOW HIM.
THANK YOU.
I MISSED IT AGAIN!
COLONEL,
I HAVE BAD NEWS.
THE RESISTANCE,
WHO I DO NOT
KNOW VERY WELL,
HAVE REFUSED
TO BLOW UP THE TRAIN.
THIS IS THE TRAIN
CONTAINING THIS KNOCKWURST.
IT MUST BE BLOWN UP
SO THAT HITLER THINKS
- THE PAINTING
HAS BEEN DESTROYED.
- I KNOW THAT BIT!
WHY DO THEY REFUSE?
THEY SAY THEY HAVE
A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT,
SOMETHING TO DO
WITH AN AMMUNITION LORRY.
DID YOU EXPLAIN TO THEM
HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS?
YES, OF COURSE,
DEAR COLONEL, BUT,
THEY DO NOT TAKE
ALL THAT MUCH NOTICE OF ME.
WE BARELY NOD
TO EACH OTHER
IN THE STREET,
YOU UNDERSTAND?
I COULD TRY
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE--
THEY MIGHT DO IT
FOR MONEY.
PARTY FUNDS ARE VERY LOW,
I HAVE HEARD.
VERY WELL.
GO BACK TO YOUR CAFE
AND SEE WHAT
YOU CAN DO FOR US.
COULD YOU JUST LET ME HAVE
A FEW THOUSAND FRANCS
TO PUT A DEPOSIT DOWN,
JUST TO SHOW GOOD FAITH?
CERTAINLY NOT!
YOU PAY THEM AND WE'LL
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
- YES, COLONEL.
- AND MAKE SURE
YOU GET A RECEIPT.
NO, I DO NOT WISH
TO GO IN.
PUT ME BY THE TABLE.
- Leclerc: YES, MY LITTLE LOVE.
- AND BRING ME A DRINK.
BUT FANNY,
WILL YOU NOT
BE TOO CHILLY?
NO, NOT IF I HAVE
A BIG GIN AND TONIC.
MY LOVE,
MY FLOWER,
I WOULD BUY FOR YOU
THE WHOLE WORLD, BUT
I DO NOT HAVE
ANY MONEY.
NOW THIS IS
MY DAUGHTER'S CAFE--
WE CAN HAVE
FREEBIES.
HOW MUCH?!
NOW LOOK HERE,
IT IS JUST
ONE LITTLE TRAIN.
SURELY YOU COULD
BLOW IT UP
FOR A BIT LESS
THAN THAT.
IS THAT YOUR
ROCK BOTTOM PRICE?
HANG ON A MINUTE.
NO, I CANNOT
GO TO THAT.
HOW WOULD IT BE
IF WE SUPPLY THE EXPLOSIVES?
NO, I DO NOT WANT
TO LEAVE MY NAME.
IT IS JUST
AN ENQUIRY.
HEY, WHO DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE?
IT IS I, LECLERC!
I KNOW THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
HELPING YOURSELF
TO MY GIN?
IT IS MY GIN,
FOR MY MAMMA.
GIVE HER A DOUBLE.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
YOU HAVE AGAIN PARKED
YOUR ARMORED CAR
IN MY PLACE
UNDER THE TREE.
I AM MOST SORRY,
COLONEL.
I HAVE JUST POLISHED IT
AND IT LOOKED LIKE RAIN.
I WILL MOVE IT.
NO, WE SHALL ONLY BE HERE
A FEW MINUTES.
BUT DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
HEIL HITLER?
AND DON'T TRY
TO GET ROUND ME.
RENE,
THE NORMAL KNOCKWURST
IS ON THE NIGHT TRAIN
TO BERLIN.
HELGA PUT IT ON
NEXT TO THE AMMUNITION
TRUCK.
HERR FLICK SUPERVISED HER
AND THEN SENT A TELEGRAM
TO HITLER--
- SIGNED BY THE COLONEL.
- GOOD NEWS, HUH?
NO, UNFORTUNATELY,
I HAVE BAD NEWS.
THE COMMUNISTS HAVE REFUSED
TO BLOW UP THE TRAIN.
REFUSED TO BLOW UP
THE TRAIN?
WHAT SORT OF COMMUNISTS
ARE YOU DEALING WITH?
WHOEVER HEARD
OF A COMMUNIST WHO
WOULDN'T BLOW UP A TRAIN?
THAT MEANS HITLER
WILL RECEIVE
A NORMAL KNOCKWURST.
AND A TELEGRAM
FROM THE COLONEL.
AND HE'LL FIND OUT
THAT YOU NICKED HIS PAINTING.
KNACKERED
BY A KNOCKWURST.
THAT WILL PUT
KAPUT ON MY CAREER.
GIVE ME
A LARGE COGNAC.
YES, SIR.
COLONEL, ANTICIPATING
THIS DEVELOPMENT,
- I HAVE A FURTHER PLAN
WHICH MAY YET SAVE US.
- YOU HAVE?
GIVE HER A COGNAC
AS WELL. HERE.
RENE!
TELL US YOUR PLAN.
BUT TELL IT
A BIT SLOWER
THAN LAST TIME.
A 20-MILLIMETER
INCENDIARY SHELL
ACCURATELY FIRED
AT THE AMMUNITION TRUCK
WOULD BLOW IT UP AND ALSO
DEMOLISH THE KNOCKWURST.
THE RESISTANCE
WILL BE BLAMED,
WE ARREST A FEW PEASANTS
AND SHOOT THEM,
AND WE WILL ALL
BE IN THE CLEAR.
THAT'S IS ALL
VERY WELL, HELGA,
BUT WHERE DO WE GET
A 20-MILLIMETER CANNON?
AND WHO'S GOING
TO FIRE IT?
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
HAS AN ARMORED CAR
ON WHICH IS MOUNTED
A 20-MILLIMETER CANNON.
HELLO.
HE'LL NEVER LEND IT.
HE'S VERY STINGY.
HE MIGHT LEND IT
TO RENE.
HE'S VERY FOND
OF HIM.
OH YES,
I CAN JUST SEE THAT.
"GOOD EVENING,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
A SMALL SHERRY?
WITH PLEASURE.
BY THE WAY,
LIEUTENANT,
I WONDER IF I MIGHT BORROW
YOUR ARMORED CAR
FOR THE EVENING?
NO, THERE IS NO NEED
FOR YOU TO COME WITH ME.
I JUST WISH TO DRIVE IT AROUND
A LITTLE BIT,
SEE IF I CAN
PULL A FEW BIRDS
OR MAYBE SHOOT
A PIGEON OR TWO
WITH A 20-MILLIMETER
SHELL!"
NO, RENE IS RIGHT.
WE'LL HAVE TO KNOCK IT OFF
WHEN HE'S NOT LOOKING.
AND HE WILL BLAME I
ON THE RESISTANCE.
AND WE CAN JUST SHOOT
ANOTHER COUPLE OF PEASANTS.
IF YOU GO ON AT THIS RATE,
THERE'LL BE NOBODY LEFT
IN THE VILLAGE!
- IT IS A VERY GOOD PLAN, HELGA.
- IT'S THE ONLY PLAN WE'VE GOT.
AS SOON AS IT IS DARK,
WE WILL ACT.
ARE YOU WITH US, RENE?
ALL RIGHT, COLONEL.
I WILL KEEP
LIEUTENANT GRUBER TALKING
WHILE YOU NIP OFF,
NICK THE ARMORED CAR,
AND BLOW UP THE TRAIN.
NO, RENE.
I, AS A COLONEL,
CANNOT GET INVOLVED
IN A PLAN LIKE THIS.
I WILL DISTRACT GRUBER
AND YOU, HANS,
YOU WILL NICK
THE ARMORED CAR.
BUT COLONEL,
I AM A VERY BAD DRIVER.
I ONLY HAVE
A PROVISIONAL LICENSE.
IT IS VERY HARD TO SEE
OUT OF THOSE THINGS--
MY GLASSES
WILL STEAM UP.
I WILL GET LOST.
RENE CAN SIT ON TOP,
STICK HIS HEAD
THROUGH THE HOLE,
AND GUIDE YOU.
BUT COLONEL,
WOULD IT NOT BE BETTER
IF HELGA DROVE AND THE CAPTAIN
COULD SIT ON TOP
AND STICK
HIS HEAD OUT--
I HAVE AN ASSIGNATION
WITH HERR FLICK.
CAN YOU NO
BREAK IT?
ONE DOES NOT STAND UP
THE GESTAPO.
- WHAT TIME IS THE TRAIN?
- 10:00.
VERY WELL.
WE ALL MEET HERE
AT 9:30.
I WILL TAKE CARE
OF GRUBER.
YOU ALL TAKE CARE
OF THE TRAIN.
GOOD NIGHT, RENE.
GOOD NIGHT, COLONEL.
YOU ARE NOT GOING?
NOT IN YOUR
ARMORED CAR?
YES, I THINK I WILL
HAVE AN EARLY NIGHT.
NONSENSE.
I HOPE YOU ARE
NOT GOING
BECAUSE I WAS
CROSS WITH YOU.
I WAS A BIT UPSET.
DON'T BE UPSET,
GRUBER.
- WHAT'S YOUR FIRST NAME?
- HUBERT.
DON'T BE UPSET,
HUBERT.
I LIKE YOU.
HANS LIKES YOU.
RENE LIKES YOU.
AND THE GIRLS,
THEY LIKE YOU, TOO.
I TELL YOU WHAT--
COME ROUND HERE
ABOUT 9:30,
AND WE'LL HAVE
DINNER TOGETHER.
AND BRING
YOUR ARMORED CAR.
SUDDENLY I AM
FEELING BETTER.
SUDDENLY I AM
FEELING WORSE.
CAN I HELP YOU,
OFFICER?
AN OLDERLY LODY OUTSIDE
IN A BETH CHAIR
HAS BEEN HITTING
THE BOOTLE.
- WHAT?
- HER IS DRUNK.
HER IS POST
AS A NEWT.
OH MY GOD!
- BOCHE SWINE!
- FANNY, NO, NO, NO!
HEIL HITLER!
YOU SHALL NOT
ENTER THE CAFE
OF MY DAUGHTER.
FANNY, PLEASE,
DO NOT TAKE ON SO,
WE'LL ALL FINISH UP
IN THE COOLER!
STOP IT,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT!
THESE ARE
MY CUSTOMERS.
ARE YOU TRYING
TO RUIN MY BUSINESS?
IT IS MY DAUGHTER'S
BUSINESS.
YOU ARE ON THE WAY OUT!
GET HER INSIDE,
PLEASE?!
WELCOME, GENTLEMEN.
YOUR TABLE IS READY.
STOP!
GENTLEMEN!
PLEASE, COME BACK,
GENTLEMEN.
SHE IS POTTY
IN THE HEAD.
I HAVE YOUR WINDOW TABLE
FOR YOU, PLEASE
DON'T WORRY, RENE.
HUBERT AND I
WILL TAKE IT.
WON'T WE, HUBERT?
YOU ARE MOST KIND,
COLONEL.
CAN I GIVE ANYONE A LIFT?
GIVE HANS A LIFT,
LET HIM PLAY WITH YOUR CANNON.
COME ALONG THEN,
CAPTAIN.
I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT FUN
AN ARMORED CAR CAN BE.
9:30, RENE.
WATER THE WINE,
AND TAKE THE FLOWERS
OFF THE TABLE.
I SPIT ON YOU!
GERMAN PIG!
10 MINUTES IS UP.
YOU MAY NOW COME OUT
OF THE CORNER.
YES, HERR FLICK.
LET THAT BE
A LESSON TO YOU.
NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU
BURN MY TOAST.
YES, HERR FLICK.
MAY I SIT?
YES.
YOU MAY CONTINUE
WITH YOUR TEA.
I HAVE KEPT YOUR EGG WARM
UNDER THE COZY.
YOU HAVE A VERY KIND STREAK
IN YOUR NATURE.
I NEARLY FAILED
MY GESTAPO EXAMS
BECAUSE OF IT.
IT IS A VERY STRONG SHELL.
HIT IT HARD
WITH YOUR SPOON.
THEY ALWAYS BREAK
IN THE END.
YOU ARE LOOKING PENSIVE,
HERR FLICK.
I AM TRYING TO DECIDE
WHAT TO DO
WITH YOU TONIGHT.
I SEE, HERR FLICK.
I MIGHT TAKE YOU
TO THE MOVIES.
WHAT IS SHOWING?
ANYTHING WE LIKE.
OR WE COULD STAY HERE
AND AMUSE OURSELVES.
I HAVE A BOX
OF SHARP NEEDLES SOMEWHERE.
AHH, HERE THEY ARE.
WHAT HAVE YOU
IN MIND, HERR FLICK?
I HAVE
AN EXCELLENT GRAMOPHONE,
AND MANY RECORDS
OF HITLER'S SPEECHES.
THEY ARE QUITE AMUSING.
HITLER'S SPEECHES,
QUITE AMUSING?
PLAYED AT DOUBLE SPEED,
HE SOUNDS LIKE DONALD DUCK.
JUST SEE WHAT THE BOYS
IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE ♪
AND TELL THEM I SIGHED
AND TELL THEM I CRIED
AND TELL THEM I DIED
OF THE SAAA-AAAME.
( silent response )
THANK YOU FOR YOUR
KIND APPLAUSE.
NOW, PLEASE,
WILL YOU SHOW
YOUR APPRECIATION
FOR OUR PIANIST,
MONSIEUR LECLERC?
THE LIEUTENANT
IS HERE.
COLONEL?
COLONEL!
I'M SORRY, RENE.
THE CHEESE, YOU KNOW?
LOOK.
I WILL
TAKE CARE OF HIM.
YOU AND HANS
KNOW WHAT TO DO?
I AM SORRY
I AM LATE, COLONEL.
PERHAPS YOUR ARMORED CAR
WOULD NOT START,
YOU HAD TO LEAVE I
AT THE BARRACKS?
SHE STARTED
ON THE BUTTON.
BUT SHE WAS NEARLY
OUT OF GASOLINE.
- GOOD.
- SO I FILLED HER UP.
THAT'S OUR TABLE
OVER THERE.
OH, HOW COZY.
TAKE THIS.
RENE, HANS,
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
- COLONEL
HE HAS JUST
TAKEN THE FLOWERS
FROM THE NEXT TABLE.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU TOO.
CAPTAIN.
DEAR COLONEL,
WOULD YOU PREFER
YOUR BACK TO THE WALL
OR THE ROOM?
I THINK THE WALL.
SIT DOWN, HUBERT,
AND TELL ME ALL
ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, IT HAS BEEN
A HARD DAY.
I AM QUITE HOARSE,
YOU KNOW,
FROM ORDERING
SOLDIERS ABOUT.
YES, IT'S HARD BEING
A GERMAN OFFICER,
ALL THAT SHOUTING
AND STAMPING OF FEET.
PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND,
DO THEY?
I FEAR THEY DO NOT.
DO WE HAVE A KEY
OR A TIN OPENER?
THEY DO NOT LOCK.
AFTER ALL, WHO WOULD
NICK AN ARMORED CAR?
WEAR THIS.
WHAT FOR?
IF THE RESISTANCE TAKE
A POT SHOT AT YOU
- IT WILL BOUNCE OFF.
- BOUNCE OFF?!
I AM NOT STICKING
MY HEAD OUT OF THERE.
I'LL DRIVE.
START THE ENGINE!
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.
SORRY.
IT IS THAT LITTLE KNOB
IN FRONT.
( engine cranks )
GIVE IT A BIT MORE CHOKE.
( engine starts )
FORWARD!
I SAID FORWARD,
YOU ARE GOING BACKWARDS!
DID I HIT SOMETHING?
THE COLONEL'S CAR!
HE WILL DO HIS NUT.
NEVER MIND.
HE WILL BLAME
THE RESISTANCE
AND SHOOT A COUPLE
OF PEASANTS.
WHAT AM I SAYING?
HOW EASY IT IS
TO SLIP INTO THE WAYS
OF BEING A NAZI.
AH, GOOD EVENING,
COLONEL.
WAS EVERYTHING
TO YOUR SATISFACTION?
UP TO A POINT.
YOU KNOW ME, YVETTE.
COLONEL
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SIT UPON YOUR KNEE?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A BIT OF FUN,
DOESN'T IT, HUBERT?
IF YOU SAY SO, COLONEL.
SHALL I REST
ON YOUR KNEE,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER?
WELL
GO ON, HUBERT.
YOU'RE IN THE TANK CORPS.
IT'LL BE GOOD
FOR YOUR IMAGE.
ARE THE DROVER
OF ARMORED CURR 4219
ON THE CAFE?
4219? THAT IS
MY ARMORED CAR.
IT HAS BEEN
DROVEN AWAR
BY TWO MIN.
YOU FOOL!
MY ARMORED CAR
IS STOLEN?!
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, HUBERT.
IT'S PROBABLY
SOME LOCAL BOYS
PLAYING A LITTLE PRANK.
I MUST REPORT IT AT ONCE
TO MY HEADQUARTERS.
JUST THINK HOW CROSS
THEY WILL BE
WHEN THEY'VE
FOUND OUT YOU'VE LOST
YOUR ARMORED CAR.
BELIEVE ME,
IT'LL COME BACK
IF YOU'RE PATIENT.
BUT WHAT IF
IT DOES NOT?
AND WHAT AM I DOING
HOLDING THIS GIRL?
AARGHH!
I KNOW, I WILL
REPORT IT AT ONCE
TO HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.
HE WILL MAKE
DISCREET ENQUIRIES.
HE OWES ME A FAVOR.
WHY HAVE WE LEFT
THE MAIN ROAD?
A MOTORCYCLE
WAS FOLLOWING US.
DON'T WORRY, THIS LANE
LEADS TO THE RAILWAY LINE.
IS HE STILL
FOLLOWING?
JUST A MINUTE,
I WILL HAVE A LOOK.
- ( metal clangs )
- Hans: OOOF!
CAN YOU SEE
THE MOTORCYCLE?
NOT AT THE MOMENT.
( record playing
at high speed )
( high speed anthem playing )
( phone rings )
STOP THE MACHINE!
( rings )
FLICK-- THE GESTAPO.
NO, I SAID,
FLICK, THE GESTAPO.
YES, GRUBER.
YES, GRUBER.
YES, GRUBER.
YOU ARE VERY CARELESS!
STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
I WILL COME AT ONCE.
YOU WILL COME WITH ME.
HOLD MY SCHMEISSER WHILE
I REMOVE MY CARPET SLIPPERS.
I CAN SEE
THE RAILWAY LINE.
STOP HERE.
( train chugging faintly )
I CAN HEAR
THE TRAIN COMING.
OH, DEAR.
PASS ME A SHELL.
- WELL, WHERE ARE THEY?
- THEY MUST BE IN HERE
SOMEWHERE.
TRY THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
HAVE YOU FOUND
ANYTHING?
JUST SOME
LADIES UNDERWEAR--
AND SOME SHAVING LOTION.
( train whistles )
AH, I HAVE ONE.
GOOD.
WELL, HURRY UP.
IT IS GETTING NEARER.
I THINK IT IS LOADED.
NOW, I HAVE TO AIM
FOR THE THIRD WAGON
FROM THE END.
- YES, GOOD LUCK.
- PUT YOUR FINGERS
IN YOUR EARS.
THERE MAY BE A BIG BANG.
I CAN SEE IT.
ONE, TWO, THREE
THAT'S THE ONE.
MISSED!
QUICK,
ANOTHER SHELL.
CAN YOU GET
A LITTLE BIT NEARER?
NO, I CAN NOT.
ONE, TWO THREE
( cannon fires )
YOU HAVE BLOWN UP
THE SIGNAL BOX.
I THINK
THE BARREL IS BENT.
THERE GOES
THE TRAIN.
THERE GOES
HITLER'S SAUSAGE.
DO YOU THINK
WE SHOULD CATCH IT UP
FURTHER DOWN THE LINE?
NO,
THE WAY I DRIVE,
I WOULD NEVER CATCH IT.
AND THE WAY YOU SHOOT,
YOU WOULD NEVER HIT IT.
I THINK WE GO HOME.
( theme music playing )