'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s02e04 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
( gears grind )
YOU ARE PROBABLY
WONDERING WHAT I AM DOING
DRIVING
A GERMAN ARMORED CAR.
WELL, I HAVE BEEN
HELPING THE CAPTAIN
TO BLOW UP A TRAIN
WITH A SAUSAGE ON IT.
I KNOW, I KNOW THAT THIS
DOES NOT SOUND IMPORTANT,
BUT IT IS.
THE SAUSAGE IS BEING
SENT TO HITLER,
WHO THINKS THAT IT CONTAINS
THE PRICELESS PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
THAT PAINTING IS, IN FACT,
IN THE SAUSAGE IN MY CELLAR.
THAT FOUR-EYED BERK UP THERE
BEHIND THE GUN TURRET,
WHO COULD NOT-- COULD NOT
HIT A BARN DOOR AT 20 PACES,
FAILED TO HIT THE TRAIN.
SO NOW, HITLER WILL RECEIVE
AN EMPTY SAUSAGE.
WHEN THAT HAPPENS,
MY FRIEND,
THE KNOCKWURST WILL
REALLY HIT THE FAN.
HOWEVER, ONE DISASTER
AT A TIME.
IF I CAN PARK THIS THING
BACK AT MY CAFE,
BEFORE ANYBODY REALIZES
THAT WE HAVE NICKED IT,
WELL, AT LEAST,
I WILL NOT GET DONE
FOR TAKING AND DRIVING AWAY
AN ARMORED CAR
WITHOUT THE PERMISSION
OF THE OWNER.
HELGA,
YOU WILL DRIVE.
DO NOT WORRY, LIEUTENANT,
YOU MAY RELY ON THE GESTAPO
TO FIND YOUR MISSING TANK.
WHEN WE DO, THE OCCUPANTS
WILL BE SHOT.
BUT, COLONEL,
IT IS RATHER CHILLY,
SHALL I PLACE THIS RUG
OVER OUR KNEES?
NO, THE COLD AIR
WILL BE GOOD FOR US,
PARTICULARLY YOU.
WHICH WAY,
HERR FLICK?
WE WILL FOLLOW
THE OBVIOUS TIRE MARKS
OF THE STOLEN
ARMORED CAR.
WHAT IS
GOING ON?
DISGUISED AS A POLICEMAN
TOLD THE LIEUTENANT
THAT HIS TANK HAD BEEN STOLEN.
I DID NIT KNOW
THAT IT HAD BEEN
DROVE AWAR BY RENE,
RENE WHO WALKS
IN THE BEER.
IDIOT!
Yvette: EDITH,
HERR FLICK HAS A GUN.
IF HE FINDS RENE,
HE WILL SHOOT HIM.
OH, NO.
WE MUST RESCUE HIM.
WE WILL FOLLOW.
WE WILL USE THE BICYCLES
OF THE CUSTOMERS.
COME.
MADAME EDITH,
DO YOU HAVE A SPANNER
OR A WRENCH?
- TO HIT THEM WITH?
- I MUST LOWER MY SADDLE,
OTHERWISE MY FEET
WILL NOT REACH THE PEDALS.
SIT ON
THE CROSSBAR.
AND WATCH OUT
FOR THAT 3-SPEED GEAR.
UH, CAPTAIN?
WHAT IS IT?
A WORD OF WARNING.
THIS TIME
MIND THE BRIDGE.
THANK YOU, I WILL.
- ( metal clangs )
- OOOH!
Michelle:
THE AMMUNITION LORRY WILL
BE HERE IN A FEW MINUTES.
LET US PUT IN PLACE
THE ROADBLOCK.
( cows mooing )
THE TRACKS ARE FAINT,
BUT THEY ARE
STILL VISIBLE.
STRAIGHT ON!
YVETTE, MARIA,
PULL DOWN YOUR SKIRTS.
YOU WANT TO GET
MY CAFE A BAD NAME?
IT DOES NOT HURT
TO ADVERTISE.
I MUST GO AND SEE
TO THE WELFARE
OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
HOW'RE YOU GETTING
ON THERE, CHAPS?
- Fairfax: WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- YES, HOW MUCH LONGER DO WE
HAVE TO STAY
OUT HERE?
YOU ARE NOT DUE
FOR MILKING UNTIL 5:30.
I'M JOLLY HUNGRY!
HERE IS A BAR
OF CHOCOLATE.
WE HAVE TO BLOW UP
AN AMMUNITION LORRY,
THEN WE'LL SEE IF
WE CAN RUSTLE UP SOME SOUP.
OH, GOOD SHOW.
HENRIETTE, HAVE YOU CONNECTED
THE TERMINALS TO THE PLUNGER?
- I HAVE.
- WHERE ARE
THE EXPLOSIVES?
THEY'RE OVER THERE.
THEY ARE BURIED
IN THE ROAD.
GOOD.
I SEE NO SIGN OF
THE AMMUNITION LORRY.
LOOK, AN ARMORED CAR
IS APPROACHING
FROM THE OTHER
DIRECTION.
GET YOUR GUNS
AT THE READY.
IF WE CAN HOLD IT UP
FOR A FEW MOMENTS
THE LORRY WILL BE HERE,
AND WE CAN FULFILL
OUR MISSION FOR FRANCE.
MICHELLE,
YOU ARE
THE BRAVEST GIRL
THAT I KNOW.
YOU TOO, HENRIETTE.
GOD BLESS OUR MISSION.
GOD BLESS FRANCE.
WH-- WH-- WHAT IS THAT
IN THE ROAD?
IT IS A FARM WAGON.
IT IS VERY BADLY PARKED.
STOP AND I WILL
GET OUT AND MOVE IT.
READY?
FIRE!
( guns fire )
ON SECOND THOUGHTS,
I WILL WAIT A BIT.
RENE, QUICK,
A HANDKERCHIEF.
ARE YOU WOUNDED?
NO, I WISH TO SURRENDER.
DON'T SHOOT!
WE GIVE UP!
WHOO!
STOP!
IT IS THE WHITE FLAG
OF SURRENDER.
LOOK, IT IS RENE.
YOU TRAITOR!
SO, YOU HAVE
JOINED THE GERMANS?
THIS GENTLEMAN
KINDLY HELPED ME
TO BORROW THE TANK,
SO WE COULD
BLOW UP THE TRAIN--
THE ONE YOU REFUSED
TO BLOW UP
BECAUSE YOU
WERE BLOWING UP
AN AMMUNITION LORRY.
- THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE.
- YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
AS SOON AS WE HEARD
YOU WERE BLOWING IT UP,
WE CANCELED IT.
- WHO TOLD YOU?
- HE DID.
OOPS, SHOULDN'T I
HAVE MENTIONED THAT?
COLLABORATOR.
MICHELLE, IT IS ALL PART
OF A VERY COMPLICATED PLAN
TO DO WITH HITLER
AND A SAUSAGE,
AND A LOT OF PAINTINGS WHICH
WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HALF OF IT MYSELF.
A GESTAPO STAFF CAR
IS APPROACHING.
- WHAT?
- OUR MISSION IS BLOWN.
WE MUST SCARPER.
QUICK!
Colonel:
HANS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH HUBERT'S LITTLE TANK?
Flick:
I, TOO, WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.
WELL, COLONEL,
YOU SEE--
IT'S QUITE CLEAR TO SEE
WHAT HAS HAPPENED, HERR FLICK.
RENE OVERHEARD A PLOT
BY THE RESISTANCE
TO BLOW UP
AN AMMUNITION LORRY.
ASSISTED BY THE CAPTAIN,
HE BORROWED THE ARMORED CAR
AND, WITH GREAT BRAVERY,
FOUND THE ROADBLOCK
AND FOUGHT OFF THE RESISTANCE,
WHO, EVEN NOW,
CAN BE SEEN
RUNNING ACROSS
THE FIELDS.
I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO SAY ALL THAT.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
A VERY FIERCE BATTLE.
MY ARMORED CAR IS COVERED
WITH LITTLE DENTS.
AND THERE IS MUD
ALL OVER THE WHEELS.
I AM NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED
BY THIS STORY.
I HAVE FOUND PROOF,
HERR FLICK.
SEE?
THIS DEVICE IS COMMONLY
USED BY THE RESISTANCE
WHEN THEY ARE GOING
TO BLOW SOMETHING UP.
WHAT NONSENSE.
THIS IS AN ORDINARY
TIRE PUMP
WHICH HAS BEEN DISCARDED
BY A PASSING MOTORIST.
THIS WOULD NOT EVEN
BLOW UP A TIRE.
Helga:
HERR FLICK,
YOU HAVE EXPLODED
THE GESTAPO CAR.
WELL, THAT'S NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
THE GESTAPO CAN ALWAYS GET
ANOTHER CAR FROM BERLIN.
I SHALL NOT BE INFORMING
BERLIN OF THIS INCIDENT.
I DO NOT WISH
TO LOOK A RIGHT NANA.
LOOK!
YOU FOOLS!
YOU HAVE
BLOWN OUR COVERS.
Flick:
LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
YOU WILL DRIVE US HOME.
WHAT'S GOING ON NOW,
FAIRFAX?
A LOT OF GIRLS
IN THEIR SCANTIES
ARE CLIMBING
ONTO MEN'S BICYCLES.
OH, COME ON!
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?
I NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH
A NIGHT LIKE THAT AGAIN.
WHEN HITLER GET HIS HANDS
ON THE COLONEL'S SAUSAGE,
AND FINDS NO PAINTING,
THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN
WILL HAVE HAD THEIR CHIPS.
GOOD RIDDANCE.
SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,
I AM UP TO HERE WITH SAUSAGES,
AND PAINTINGS, AND GESTAPO,
AND ESCAPING AIRMEN.
ALL I WANT IS A QUIET LIFE.
( loud banging )
- CUSTOMERS.
- TELL THEM WE ARE CLOSED.
GO AWAY!
CAFE RENE DOES
NOT REOPEN UNTIL 9:30!
OH, IT IS THE COLONEL
AND CAPTAIN.
OH MY GOD, WHAT NOW?
LET THEM IN.
QUICK, HANS,
CLOSE THE CURTAINS.
COLONEL, WHY ARE YOU
DRESSED LIKE THAT?
IS THE WAR OVER?
FOR US?
VERY LIKELY.
WHEN HITLER GETS
THAT EMPTY SAUSAGE
AND THE TELEGRAM
FROM THE COLONEL,
HE WILL SEND SOME VERY
NASTY MEN TO LOOK FOR US.
RENE
- YOU MUST HELP US
GET AWAY.
- WHAT?!
WE THOUGHT SWITZERLAND
WOULD DO VERY NICELY.
WE KNOW YOU RUN
AN ESCAPE ROUTE.
YES, WE NEED PAPERS.
WE KNOW YOU HAVE A FORGER.
OH, DEAR COLONEL,
I THINK YOU HAVE
QUITE THE WRONG IDEA
ABOUT ME.
I AM JUST A SIMPLE
CAFE OWNER.
RENE, IF YOU
DO NOT HELP US,
I WILL DROP YOU IN IT.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO USE FOR MONEY?
WE HAVE THE PAINTING,
AND THE WEEK'S PAYROLL
FOR THE TROOPS.
( all gasp )
BUT WHEN THE TROOPS
FIND OUT,
WILL THEY
NOT BE CROSS?
- THEY WILL BE HOPPING MAD.
- ( knocking )
IT IS THE POLICE.
( screeching )
POLICE?! NO!
DON'T LET THEM IN!
WE HAVE NO PAPERS!
CAPTAIN!
OPEN THE DOOR.
OH MY GOD, IT'S THAT
STUPID BRITISH IDIOT
WHO THINKS HE CAN
SPEAK FRENCH.
GOOD MOANING.
I WOULD OFFER YOU
A COGNAC, OFFICER,
BUT I KNOW YOU ARE
NOT ALLOWED TO DRINK
ON DUTY, SO, GOODBYE.
I HAVE COME TO
EXPRESS MY REGROTS
FOR THE BILLS UP,
LAST NIGHT.
YES, WELL, THERE WILL
BE AN EVEN BIGGER
BILLS UP THIS MOANING
IF YOU DO NOT GO AWAY.
I HAVE GOOD NOSE.
YES, YES, YOU ARE
VERY HANDSOME,
NOW, PLEASE GO.
MY NOSE IS AS FOLLOWS,
THE TROON CARRYING
THE SAUSAGE
HAS BEEN BUMMED
BY THE R.A.F.
BUMMED
BY THE R.A.F.?
Both:
BUMMED BY THE R.A.F.?
WHAT HAVE THE NAUGHTY R.A.F.
BEEN UP TO NOW?
THEY HAVE BOMBED
AN AMMUNITION TRAIN.
DID THEY DESTROY IT?
THERE WERE LITTLE PISSES
ALL OVER THE TRACK.
HANS, THIS CALLS
FOR A DRINK.
- ( banging )
- OHHH EDITH,
YVETTE, MARIA-AAA,
HOW MUCH LONGER
AM I TO BE IGNORED?
OH, EDITH,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU
FOR DAYS.
DO NOT BE SILLY, MAMMA.
I GAVE YOU YOUR LUNCH.
- OH!
- LISTEN, I HAVE GOOD NEWS.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
THE UNDERTAKER
IS CALLING.
UNDERTAKER!
AARGHH!
SO LITTLE TIME.
NO, NO, MAMMA.
I THINK HE IS
IN LOVE WITH ME.
OH, IT IS
SO ROMANTIC.
I THINK HE IS COMING
TO PROPOSE TO ME.
DO YOU REMEMBER,
WE MET HIM
IN THE SQUARE?
HE HAS A MOUSTACHE.
OH, YES, YES.
I REMEMBER HIM WELL.
HE HAD A LITTLE STIFF ONE.
THAT IS HE.
OH, HE HAS
SUCH MANNERS.
AND TODAY
THIS ARRIVED,
AND ON IT WAS
HIS LITTLE CARD
WITH A LOVE MESSAGE.
"SWIFTLY
AND WITH STYLE,"
HE HAS A HIGH OPINION
OF HIMSELF.
NO, NO, NO, MAMMA.
THE OTHER SIDE.
"I ALWAYS THINK
ENGAGEMENT RINGS
ARE SUCH ROMANTIC
PRETTY THINGS.
AND SO,
BEFORE MY LIFE IS DONE,
I WOULD DEARLY
LIKE TO GIVE YOU ONE."
COULD YOU READ
THE FIRST PART AGAIN?
- QUICK, SHUT THE DOOR.
- WHERE IS MY WIFE?
SHE IS UPSTAIRS, DRESSED UP
LIKE THE DINNER OF A DOG.
SHE IS GOING
TO PARADE HERSELF
YET AGAIN
IN THE TOWN SQUARE.
BUT, RENE, YOU
SHOULD BE HAPPY.
IF SHE MARRIES,
YOU WILL BE FREE.
AND WITHOUT
A SOLITARY SOU.
WE WILL HAVE MONEY.
WE WILL BORROW EXPLOSIVES
FROM THE RESISTANCE,
BLOW THE SAFE,
NICK THE MONEY,
AND HIDE IN A LITTLE
GARRET IN PARIS,
AND MAKE LOVE
DAY AND NIGHT
UNTIL THE WAR
IS OVER.
THE VERY THOUGHT OF IT
MAKES ME GO WEAK AT THE KNEES.
( knocks )
OH, NOT HER AGAIN.
NOW LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
THE ESCAPE PACKAGE BROUGH
BY THIS BRITISH AGENT
WAS DAMAGED
IN THE LANDING.
YOU MUST HELP US
TO MEND IT.
MEND IT?
I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT IT IS.
IT IS A BALLOON
MADE OF SILK.
FILLED WITH HOT AIR,
IT WILL LIFT
THE BASKET
WITH THE AIRMEN,
AND, WITH A
FAVORABLE WIND,
TAKE THEM BACK
ACROSS THE CHANNEL.
BRILLIANT,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
A NEEDLE AND COTTON?
SOME OF THE FABRIC
IS TORN AWAY AND MISSING.
WE NEED SILK TO REPLACE IT.
SILK?
WHERE AM I SUPPOSED
TO FIND SILK?
THE AGENT CRABTREE
HAS A PLAN,
WHICH HE WILL EXPLAIN.
YOU MUST GO AND GET
YOUR HENDS
ON GIRLS' KNOCKERS.
HE MEANS SILK KNICKERS.
SORRY, PERHAPS
MY FRENCH COD
BE BUTTER.
I WILL GIVE UP
MY KNICKERS FOR FRANCE!
ALWAYS THE PATRIOT.
ALL THE GIRLS
IN THE RESISTANCE
WILL SACRIFICE
THEIR KNICKERS.
WHEN I HEAR
WORDS LIKE THAT,
IT BRINGS A LUMP
TO MY THROAT.
BUT EVEN THAT
WILL NOT BE ENOUGH.
WELL, HOW MANY PAIRS
OF KNOCK--
KNICKERS DO YOU REQUIRE?
AT LEAST FARTY,
OR EVEN FIFTY.
I WILL TRY FOR 50.
RENE, HAS YOUR WIFE'S
MOTHER PASSED AWAY?
WELL, IF SHE HAS,
SHE DID NOT TELL ME.
WHY DO YOU ASK?
OUTSIDE HAS DRAWN UP
A HEARSE WITH A HORSE.
AN HORSE HEARSE,
OUTSIDE MY CAFE?
WHAT CAN
THAT MEAN?
- RENE, GO AWAY.
- WHAT?
IT IS MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
HE HAS COME
TO COURT ME.
AH, THE WIDOW ARTOIS.
YOU LOOK SO PALE
AND BEAUTIFUL.
HOW CAN THIS MAN SEE
TO BURY PEOPLE?
I THINK YOU HAVE ME
THE TWIN BROTHER
OF MY HUSBAND.
AH, MONSIEUR,
HOW FORTUNATE
IT IS THAT YOU ARE HERE,
AS I WISH TO MAKE
MY INTENTIONS KNOWN TO YOU.
YOU MAY SPEAK WITH
COMPLETE FRANKNESS,
MONSIEUR,
MY GIRLS CATER
TO EVERY TASTE.
YOU CLUMSY OAF!
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS COME TO ASK
FOR MY HAND
IN MARRIAGE.
- WHAT?
- IT IS CORRECT.
RENE, WHERE IS
YOUR HOSPITALITY?
LET US BE SEATED,
AND HAVE SOME WINE.
RENE, A COGNAC
FOR MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
COGNAC, MARIA.
AND NOW, MONSIEUR,
I BELIEVE YOU ARE
THE NEXT OF KIN
AND GUARDIAN OF THIS
ENCHANTING LADY.
THEREFORE, YOU WILL
WISH TO KNOW
WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER.
YES, WHAT DOES
AN OLD UNDERTAKER
HAVE TO OFFER?
MONSIEUR,
AS YOU KNOW
I HAVE MY OWN
UNDERTAKER'S
ESTABLISHMENT
AND SINCE THE WAR,
BUSINESS HAS BEEN
VERY BRISK.
IT IS AN ILL WIND,
AS THEY SAY.
NOW, MONSIEUR
I HAVE TWO HEARSES
AND FOUR HORSES.
FOUR HORSES, RENE!
HE SHOULD HAVE GOOD RHUBARB.
I HAVE 236 FEET
OF PLANED OAK,
STOCKS OF ELM,
PINE, ET CETERA.
I HAVE 26 MARBLE ANGELS,
12 CONCRETE CHERUBS,
100 WEIGHT
OF ASSORTED HANDLES
AND EIGHT GALLONS
OF EMBALMING FLUID.
CHEERS.
IT SOUNDS A VERY
GOOD BUSINESS, RENE.
WHO COULD REFUSE A MAN
WITH ALL THOSE COFFINS
AND EIGHT GALLONS
OF EMBALMING FLUIDS?
I SHOULD ALSO MENTION,
I HAVE A SMALL HEARSE
WITH A SMALLER HORSE.
VERY HANDY
FOR SHOPPING.
AND WHERE IS YOUR HOUSE?
MY HOUSE.
I HAVE A SPACIOUS APARTMENT
EQUIPPED WITH EVERY LUXURY.
AND WHERE IS
THIS APARTMENT?
OVER THE MORTUARY.
IT WAS FURNISHED
BY MY LATE WIFE
WHO WAS TAKEN
SUDDENLY IN THE THE NIGHT.
WELL, AT LEAST SHE
DID NOT HAVE FAR TO GO.
OF COURSE, I REALIZE,
BEAUTIFUL LADY,
THAT YOU HAVE
THE PICK OF THE TOWN.
THAT YOU ALSO
HAVE YOUNGER SUITORS,
MORE
"ACTIVE" SUITORS.
BUT BELIEVE ME,
IN SPITE OF MY YEARS,
I AM STILL
FIT ENOUGH TO BANG--
THANK YOU--
A COFFIN TOGETHER
IN THE TOUGHEST WOOD.
I ALSO HAVE
DRIVING AMBITION.
ONE DAY,
I AIM TO HAVE
A LITTLE--
CREMATORIUM OF MY OWN.
I AM GOING TO BE
A NERVOUS WRECK IN A MINUTE.
I REALIZE, OF COURSE,
THAT YOU CANNOT COME
TO A DECISION
AT THIS MOMENT.
ANYWAY, IT IS
TIME I WENT,
AS I AM DUE TO LAY
THE WIDOW MONTCLERE--
OUT IN HALF AN HOUR.
YOU HAVE CERTAINLY
GIVEN US A LOT TO THINK ABOUT.
MY RESPECTS,
MONSIEUR.
LADIES
WIDOW ARTOIS.
I AWAIT
YOUR DECISION
WITH ANGUISH.
YOU CAN ALWAYS
GET ME
ON MY NIGHT LINE.
I GIVE 24-HOUR SERVICE.
LOCK-KNIT WOOL, NO GOOD.
IT WOULD LET OUT THE GAS.
AH, I SEE A BIG PAIR.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
MONSIEUR?
PARDON, MADAME,
I AM DOING IT FOR FRANCE.
I HAVE TO HAVE YOUR KNICKERS.
- ( knocks )
- ENTER.
YES, HELGA, WHAT CAN
WE DO FOR YOU?
JUDGING FROM PAST EXPERIENCE,
VERY LITTLE.
COLONEL, I HAVE SOMETHING
VERY SERIOUS TO REPORT,
AND IT IS VERY PERSONAL.
A BUN IN THE OVEN?
HOW DARE YOU?!
HELGA, YOU ARE AMONGST FRIENDS.
WHAT IS IT?
I HAVE TO REPORT THAT
I HAVE LOST MY KNICKERS.
I WAS ON THE RIGHT LINE.
ARE YOU IN LOVE
WITH THE FELLOW?
IT HAPPENED JUST NOW
IN THE GARDEN.
- THEY WERE REMOVED WHEN
I WAS NOT EVEN LOOKING.
- IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
THEY WERE TAKEN
FROM THE LINE.
THEY WERE
MY BEST SILK ONES.
THE ONES WITH THE LITTLE
SWASTIKAS AROUND THE EDGE.
HANS, HOW DID YOU KNOW?
WHEN DID YOU SEE
HELGA'S KNICKERS?
IT WAS, UH
CHRISTMAS,
WHEN SHE WAS
HANGING UP THE HOLLY.
NO WONDER YOU WERE SO KEEN
TO HOLD UP THE LADDER.
WHAT DO YOU
WISH ME TO DO?
ARREST SOME PEASANTS
AND SHOOT THEM.
HELGA, EVEN GERMANS
CANNOT SHOOT PEOPLE
FOR ONE PAIR OF KNICKERS.
YOU ARE RIGHT, COLONEL.
AFTER ALL, WHAT IS IN
A PAIR OF KNICKERS?
- HERR FLICK.
- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.
- KLOP.
COLONEL, IN THE TOWN
UNDER YOUR COMMAND,
THERE IS SERIOUS
INDISCIPLINE.
COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC,
HERR FLICK?
MY AGENTS REPORT
THAT THERE ARE MANY KNICKERS
DISAPPEARING IN THIS TOWN.
REALLY? WHAT KIND OF A MAN
WOULD DO THAT?
KINKY.
MINE WERE REMOVED
ONLY A FEW MOMENTS AGO.
NOT THE ONES WITH THE LITTLE
SWASTIKAS ON THE EDGE?
THE VERY SAME.
SUDDENLY THIS MINOR INCIDENT
HAS TAKEN A VERY SERIOUS TURN.
WHEN ORDINARY FRENCH
KNICKERS ARE REMOVED
ONE COULD LOOK
THE OTHER WAY.
TO REMOVE THE KNICKERS OF
GLORIOUS GERMAN ARMY WOMANHOOD
CAN ONLY RESULT
IN ONE PENALTY
- LIFE?
- DEATH.
WHAT DO YOU WISH ME
TO DO, HERR FLICK?
A MAN SUSPECTED
OF THE STEALING
WAS SEEN GOING INTO
THE BACK DOOR OF CAFE RENE.
YOU WILL INVESTIGATE.
AT ONCE, HERR FLICK.
HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.
- KLOP.
( big sigh )
YOU SEEM VERY
FAR AWAY, RENE.
YOU HAVE NOT SPOKEN
TO ME ALL MORNING.
MY HEART IS FULL
OF SADNESS, EDITH.
IT SEEMS AFTER ALL
THESE YEARS OF MAGIC,
I AM TO LOSE YOU
TO A DIRECTOR OF FUNERALS.
YOUR HEART IS FULL OF SADNESS
BECAUSE YOU ARE WORRIED
ABOUT LOSING THE CAFE.
BUT I HAVE
BEEN THINKING, RENE.
I CANNOT DO THIS TO YOU
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.
OH, EDITH! YOU HAVE
MADE ME VERY HAPPY.
I WILL LET YOU
STAY ON AS A BARMAN.
NO, NO, I COULD
NOT STAY HERE
AND WATCH THE TWO OF YOU
CLIMB THOSE STAIRS TOGETHER.
OH, RENE, I PROMISE YOU
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT WITH HIM.
WE WILL CLIMB THE STAIRS
AT HIS PLACE.
THAT DOES IT.
I WILL GO NOW.
NO LONGER CAN I PUT
A BRAVE FACE ON THIS
TRAGIC AFFAIR.
( sobbing )
RENE, DO I REALLY MEAN
SO MUCH TO YOU?
AND IS IT TRUE YOU COULD NOT
LIVE WITHOUT ME?
AND IF I PROMISE TO MARRY YOU,
WILL YOU PROMISE FOREVERMORE
TO BE FAITHFUL TO ME?
( continues sobbing )
AND DO YOU FIND ME
AS BEAUTIFUL AS EVER?
( continues sobbing )
THEN, ALTHOUGH IT WILL BREAK
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE'S HEART,
I WILL TELL HIM
I AM DESTINED FOR ANOTHER.
THERE IS
ANOTHER ONE?
YOU, RENE.
( sobs )
OH, I AM GLAD I CAN
STILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.
MADAME, THESE FLOWERS HERE
WERE ON THE DOORSTEP.
THEY ARE ADDRESSED
TO YOU.
THEY ARE FROM
A MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
I HEAR HE INTENDS
TO MARRY YOU.
NO, I HAVE
MADE UP MY MIND.
I AM GOING
TO MARRY RENE.
MARRY RENE?
I AM AFRAID SO.
CONGRATULATIONS!
( sobs )
AARGHH!
THE ETERNAL
TRIANGLE.
COLONEL, WELCOME
TO MY HUMBLE CAFE.
I AM AFRAID THIS IS
AN OFFICIAL VISIT, RENE.
LINE UP YOUR STAFF,
IMMEDIATELY.
OH, YES, OF COURSE,
COLONEL.
COME IN HERE,
ALL OF YOU.
THE COLONEL WISHES
TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
WAS IT THE RABBIT
LAST NIGHT, COLONEL?
IT WAS NOT
THE RABBIT.
OH, I SEE.
THEN MAY I ENQUIRE
THE NATURE
OF YOUR PROBLEM?
KNICKERS.
I AM SORRY I ASKED.
NOW, PAY ATTENTION,
ALL OF YOU.
THERE ARE MISSING
IN THIS TOWN,
MANY PAIRS
OF SILK KNICKERS,
INCLUDING A PAIR
FORMERLY OCCUPIED
BY A MEMBER
OF THE GERMAN STAFF,
WHO SHALL
REMAIN NAMELESS.
HELGA.
THEY HAVE BEEN TRACED
TO THIS ADDRESS.
I REQUIRE
AN EXPLANATION.
WELL, COLONEL,
IT IS VERY SIMPLE.
WE WANTED THE SILK,
WHICH IS IN VERY
SHORT SUPPLY,
TO MAKE
A WEDDING DRESS.
A WEDDING DRESS?
HOW--
HOW ROMANTIC.
WHO IS IT FOR?
YOU.
ME.
I AM TO BE MARRIED.
- WHO'S THE LUCKY MAN?
- IT IS I,
ALPHONSE,
DIRECTOR OF FUNERALS,
"SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE."
Both:
HURRAY!
NO, NO.
YOU MISUNDERSTAND.
I AM TO MARRY THE BROTHER
OF MY LATE HUSBAND,
RENE.
RENE?! AARGHH!
MONSIEUR,
A FEW HOURS AGO,
I CAME HERE
AS A MAN OF HONOR
TO ASK YOU
FOR THIS LADY'S HAND.
YOU HAVE HUMILIATED ME,
MONSIEUR.
YOU HAVE INSULTED ME.
I WILL HAVE
SATISFACTION.
IT IS TOO LATE FOR THAT.
SHE HAS CHOSEN ME.
I AM A MAN OF HONOR,
MONSIEUR.
YOU WILL BE
HEARING FROM ME,
AND MY REPRESENTATIVES
WILL ARRANGE THE TIME
AND THE PLACE.
HE WILL NOT TAKE NO
FOR AN ANSWER, WILL HE?
RENE, HE HAS
CHALLENGED YOU TO A DUEL.
WHAT?!
JUST THINK,
MEN ARE FIGHTING OVER ME.
OH, SHUT UP.
COLONEL, COLONEL,
YOU MUST HAVE FRIENDS,
I NEED PAPERS.
I HAVE TO GET AWAY.
PLEASE!
"SWIFTLY
AND WITH STYLE,"
OH MY GOD.
( theme music playing )