'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s04e01 Episode Script
Hans Goes Over the Top
There cannot be many French café owners in a prisoner of war camp dressed as a British flight lieutenant.
But that is what you get when you try to help people escape.
How will I get out of here? Your guess is as good as mine.
At the moment it seems that my best chance is to wait for England to capitulate.
René.
Oh, no.
Not another bucket of earth.
- You must dispose of it.
- But Edith - It is the last one.
- Thank God for that.
Oh! There was a lot of grit in that one.
As soon as you have disposed of it, return.
There is a meeting of the escape committee in five minutes.
I hope they have a good plan.
My café opens at 6:00.
I have a business to run.
When I was down the 'ole, I heard digging.
Someone is tunnelling in from the other end.
We may not long be here.
Now hurry, and try not to look suspicious.
Yvette.
Tell the Colonel there is a meeting of the escape committee in five minutes.
Oh, Rrrené, you're so brave.
Oh, just the sight of you in that 'elmet and those goggles drives me frantic with uncontrollable passion.
Wait! British officers do not cuddle each other! Not when there are people watching, anyway.
You are out! You are out! - I'm not out! - Yes, you are! Your leg was preventing the ball from hitting the little sticks.
You are out! It is the rule! - Cricket is a rotten game! - Temper, temper! I insist on another go.
Otherwise I will not play.
Oh, very well.
- Oh, my God! - Ooh, you've done it now! Not a bad shot for a Kraut.
You stupid English pig! You have broken my window! You will be punished! No more daft cricket! It was my turn to bat.
German swine! Herr Flick, I think we are in danger.
Someone is jumping on our tunnel! Do not be a mummy's boy, von Smallhausen.
Continue to excavate.
I will get to the end if I have to dig all night.
Herr Flick, you are not digging.
I am.
Do not split hairs.
Excuse me, waiter.
Shh! It is I, Leclerc.
Ah! Where is Mme Fanny? She is running the bar.
Madame, I wish to speak with you urgently.
Wait while I find my ear trumpet.
No, there is no time.
I will write it down for you.
Ahem.
Hm No, no, no.
Wait while I find my spectacles.
I have an idea.
- The gin bottle.
- Oh! With this, the words will become clear to you.
This is not my experience.
No, madame.
Excusez-moi.
Ah! Oh, yes.
"René has been captured " Shh! ".
.
has been captured and is in a prisoner of war camp.
" Mme Fanny, what are we to do? Drink the gin.
Edith, what is going on? They are discussing plans for escape.
- We have been here for hours! - We may be here much longer.
I hope they do not expect me to sleep with 40 desperate men.
They are only desperate to get out.
Well, that's decided then.
I'll explain it all to that lot over there.
One more thing, sir.
Wagstaff has a plan of escape.
- He wants to submit it.
- Right.
Let's have it.
- Wagstaff! - Woof! Woof! Not approved.
The café will be open.
What time do we get out? This is not simple.
Only one of us will escape tonight.
It will have to be me.
I have a business to run.
I have my mother to look after.
The committee is sending one of the German officers.
Good.
It will be me.
You go on condition that you arrange extra blankets, sugar, chocolate and cigarettes.
- Agreed.
No problem.
- Good.
Here is the plan.
This is a small barrel.
This is a plank across the barrel.
Here is the wire.
Here is the roof of the nearest hut.
The one who is to escape will stand on the end of the plank.
A volunteer will jump from the roof of the hut onto the other end of the plank.
The escaper will be propelled through the air and land on the other side.
- Is this understood? - Yes.
Hans can go.
But who is going to climb on the roof and jump off? Only one person is young and brave and heavy enough.
René.
I think I am young enough and brave enough but I do not think I am heavy enough.
- We will fill your trousers with earth! - Thank you, Edith.
If you were the only girl in the world And you were the only I was the only Boy Boy - Lieutenant Gruber? - Yes, Sister? It is I! Helga! Helga? Why are you dressed in the fashion of a nun? - Herr Flick made me do it.
- Ah, the devious Gestapo.
You must enjoy it, otherwise you would not do it.
The Colonel and the Captain are being held prisoner.
In a nunnery? No.
In a prisoner of war camp.
- This is most unusual.
- René is with them.
In a prisoner of war camp? With all those rough airmen? 250 of them.
This is very serious.
I have a plan to rescue them but it requires your cooperation.
I will do anything for René.
Good moaning.
God.
Ze fuzz.
Am I ticking to M Alphonse? The undertooker? Probably.
I have a plon for René's roscue.
He means Ronnie's rescue.
Who is Ronnie? I am ticking about René, who wicks here behind the boar.
Monsieur, how long have you been masquerading as a French policeman? Six whacks and five doos.
Vive la France.
Here is the plon.
Next to the barbed weir around the prosoner of war camp, wickmen are laying droons.
What are droons? Witter runs down droons.
Ah, I see.
Monsieur, are you on our side? Of curse.
Things are worse than I thought.
All clear! Come on! - Where do you want it, sir? - Just there.
Opposite the rubbish heap.
- Right to you, Carstairs.
- Bit of a lark, eh? Now we will pour the last bucket of earth into his trousers.
I'm getting vertigo.
I will hold his trousers out.
- Do not look down.
- I was not going to! I was talking to my husband! Goodbye, Hans, and good luck.
You know what to do? I am to commandeer Gruber's little tank squash the barbed wire fence and get you out.
Get on the plank.
One two three! Colonel, um Where does Lieutenant Gruber keep the keys to his tank? What are you playing at down there? - Sorry.
- Get on the board! - I am ready.
- One two three! I think we need a stronger plank.
Good thinking.
And two pairs of braces! Can we not go perhaps a little faster? I will dingle a cerrot in front of the doonkey.
That is butter.
We shall be there very sheetly.
- Goodbye, Hans.
- Goodbye, Colonel.
Excuse me.
Would you mind hurrying up? His nerve is going.
It went half an hour ago.
One two three.
Well done.
The Resistance will not forget the bravery of René Artois.
Excuse me, how do I get over the wire from here? There are the gates.
You as a Sister of Mercy will enter the camp to distribute religious pamphlets.
But what if the guard should recognise me? - I know quite a few soldiers.
- I will distract him.
Once inside the camp you must tell the Colonel our plan.
Wait here a moment while I commence the distraction.
Bless you, my child.
I think we've got the angle right this time.
Hans, when you go, throw yourself back like this.
You do it so well, Colonel.
You go.
No, Hans.
You're getting the hang of it very well.
One two three! I am sorry.
I have had enough.
I am not jumping.
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Jolly good show.
One down, 249 to go.
Underneath the lamppost by the barrack gate Darling, I remember the way you used to wait It was there that you whispered tenderly That you loved me May I enter your camp to distribute to the prisoners religious pamphlets? Why, I suppose so.
I am instructed to search you.
But since you are a nun, I do not think it necessary.
This is a great relief to me.
.
.
caress you and press you to my heart, and there 'neath And also I have more important things to do.
Mme Fanny, are you sure that you are acquainted with this sophisticated mechanism? When I was a girl, I worked in a fairground.
Fanny, you were the bearded lady.
Yes but that did not worry the randy operator of the ghost train.
I will climb into the poop.
You will then loft it over the other sod of the weir.
I am sure we have dug far enough.
We will see.
- Why are you digging upwards? - I am making a small hole.
Through this hole I will thrust my powerful Gestapo telescope.
With it we may see a familiar landmark.
Mme Edith! It is I, Lieutenant Gruber.
Lieutenant Gruber! What are you doing? I have a plan to get you out of the camp.
We cannot talk here.
We will meet inside the hut.
Wait here.
I will give you a signal.
What can you see, Herr Flick? Is there a convent in this district? Why do you ask? I have just seen a pair of nun's knickers.
The plan is as follows.
I will commandeer the French refuse collecting vehicle.
I will drive the vehicle into the camp.
I will be in disguise.
The side of the vehicle will open and you will all jump in.
Will not your guards be suspicious to see a rubbish cart driven by a nun? I will be disguised as a rough French rubbish cart driver.
That's good of you.
We both have an interest in paintings which we will sell after the war.
Besides, the café is not the same without René behind the bar.
You're looking very pale, René.
Are you getting enough to eat? The food is disgusting.
- They treat us like pigs.
- I know! What if Hans carries out your orders, steals the tank, charges into the camp and we are not here? He can charge out again.
Tell him to cancel his plan.
And listen to me, all of you.
I want it clearly understood.
When we get out of here, we are the conquerors and you are the enemy.
Stop helping British airmen to escape.
- Of course, Colonel.
- And in the meantime, remember I have a gun - if you give us away, you will be shot.
I take your point.
I must go.
Vespers, you know.
Be ready by the rubbish bins at 8:00.
I will arrange with the British commander to create a diversion.
- Heil Hitler.
- Hail Mary.
Come on! Out! You're supposed to be taking the exercise! Out! Out! One, two, one, two, one, two Edith.
Does not the driver of that crane look familiar to you? It is my mother! Why is she delivering a drainpipe? Be patient.
Soon she will reveal all.
Perish the thought.
Good moaning.
What are you doing here, you English idiot? I have come to help you to escoop.
You going to get us all shot! You can escoop by climbing into the droonpoop.
The poop will then be lofted in the air, swong over the weir and then dripped on the other sod.
There is no room for the two of us inside the "poop".
And we already have a plan to escape.
You mean to escoop.
Do not tell me how to speak my own language! Stuff yourself inside that drainpipe and go.
You have made your bid, now you can loo in it.
I'm sorry, Michelle, they can't possibly go at 8:00.
We're doing our concert.
The concert will be the perfect diversion.
No, it won't.
You'll be surrounded by Kraut guards.
Why can't we be in the cabaret? We could do a dance or act the goat.
We could all act like silly asses.
We'll have to rehearse something properly.
We don't want to look like amateurs.
General von Klinkerhoffen's coming.
Sir, Wagstaff's got another wheeze.
- Let's see it.
- Wagstaff! Heil Hitler.
Not approved.
I have come to collect the refuse.
I am the rubbish man.
My, my, what fine tattoos.
"Dishonour before death.
" You may pass.
Heaven, I'm in heaven And my heart beats Ha, ha! They are quite sophisticated.
Decadent but amusing.
.
.
I seek When where out together dancing cheek to cheek When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek Why don't you give her a kiss! I'll leave that sort of thing to the Germans.
Settle down, men.
Settle down, please.
And now our lovely ladies from hut four Les Girls! My goodness! Some of them really do look like girls! Must be all go in hut four.
Look! General von Klinkerhoffen! - What am I meant to do? - Keep kicking!
But that is what you get when you try to help people escape.
How will I get out of here? Your guess is as good as mine.
At the moment it seems that my best chance is to wait for England to capitulate.
René.
Oh, no.
Not another bucket of earth.
- You must dispose of it.
- But Edith - It is the last one.
- Thank God for that.
Oh! There was a lot of grit in that one.
As soon as you have disposed of it, return.
There is a meeting of the escape committee in five minutes.
I hope they have a good plan.
My café opens at 6:00.
I have a business to run.
When I was down the 'ole, I heard digging.
Someone is tunnelling in from the other end.
We may not long be here.
Now hurry, and try not to look suspicious.
Yvette.
Tell the Colonel there is a meeting of the escape committee in five minutes.
Oh, Rrrené, you're so brave.
Oh, just the sight of you in that 'elmet and those goggles drives me frantic with uncontrollable passion.
Wait! British officers do not cuddle each other! Not when there are people watching, anyway.
You are out! You are out! - I'm not out! - Yes, you are! Your leg was preventing the ball from hitting the little sticks.
You are out! It is the rule! - Cricket is a rotten game! - Temper, temper! I insist on another go.
Otherwise I will not play.
Oh, very well.
- Oh, my God! - Ooh, you've done it now! Not a bad shot for a Kraut.
You stupid English pig! You have broken my window! You will be punished! No more daft cricket! It was my turn to bat.
German swine! Herr Flick, I think we are in danger.
Someone is jumping on our tunnel! Do not be a mummy's boy, von Smallhausen.
Continue to excavate.
I will get to the end if I have to dig all night.
Herr Flick, you are not digging.
I am.
Do not split hairs.
Excuse me, waiter.
Shh! It is I, Leclerc.
Ah! Where is Mme Fanny? She is running the bar.
Madame, I wish to speak with you urgently.
Wait while I find my ear trumpet.
No, there is no time.
I will write it down for you.
Ahem.
Hm No, no, no.
Wait while I find my spectacles.
I have an idea.
- The gin bottle.
- Oh! With this, the words will become clear to you.
This is not my experience.
No, madame.
Excusez-moi.
Ah! Oh, yes.
"René has been captured " Shh! ".
.
has been captured and is in a prisoner of war camp.
" Mme Fanny, what are we to do? Drink the gin.
Edith, what is going on? They are discussing plans for escape.
- We have been here for hours! - We may be here much longer.
I hope they do not expect me to sleep with 40 desperate men.
They are only desperate to get out.
Well, that's decided then.
I'll explain it all to that lot over there.
One more thing, sir.
Wagstaff has a plan of escape.
- He wants to submit it.
- Right.
Let's have it.
- Wagstaff! - Woof! Woof! Not approved.
The café will be open.
What time do we get out? This is not simple.
Only one of us will escape tonight.
It will have to be me.
I have a business to run.
I have my mother to look after.
The committee is sending one of the German officers.
Good.
It will be me.
You go on condition that you arrange extra blankets, sugar, chocolate and cigarettes.
- Agreed.
No problem.
- Good.
Here is the plan.
This is a small barrel.
This is a plank across the barrel.
Here is the wire.
Here is the roof of the nearest hut.
The one who is to escape will stand on the end of the plank.
A volunteer will jump from the roof of the hut onto the other end of the plank.
The escaper will be propelled through the air and land on the other side.
- Is this understood? - Yes.
Hans can go.
But who is going to climb on the roof and jump off? Only one person is young and brave and heavy enough.
René.
I think I am young enough and brave enough but I do not think I am heavy enough.
- We will fill your trousers with earth! - Thank you, Edith.
If you were the only girl in the world And you were the only I was the only Boy Boy - Lieutenant Gruber? - Yes, Sister? It is I! Helga! Helga? Why are you dressed in the fashion of a nun? - Herr Flick made me do it.
- Ah, the devious Gestapo.
You must enjoy it, otherwise you would not do it.
The Colonel and the Captain are being held prisoner.
In a nunnery? No.
In a prisoner of war camp.
- This is most unusual.
- René is with them.
In a prisoner of war camp? With all those rough airmen? 250 of them.
This is very serious.
I have a plan to rescue them but it requires your cooperation.
I will do anything for René.
Good moaning.
God.
Ze fuzz.
Am I ticking to M Alphonse? The undertooker? Probably.
I have a plon for René's roscue.
He means Ronnie's rescue.
Who is Ronnie? I am ticking about René, who wicks here behind the boar.
Monsieur, how long have you been masquerading as a French policeman? Six whacks and five doos.
Vive la France.
Here is the plon.
Next to the barbed weir around the prosoner of war camp, wickmen are laying droons.
What are droons? Witter runs down droons.
Ah, I see.
Monsieur, are you on our side? Of curse.
Things are worse than I thought.
All clear! Come on! - Where do you want it, sir? - Just there.
Opposite the rubbish heap.
- Right to you, Carstairs.
- Bit of a lark, eh? Now we will pour the last bucket of earth into his trousers.
I'm getting vertigo.
I will hold his trousers out.
- Do not look down.
- I was not going to! I was talking to my husband! Goodbye, Hans, and good luck.
You know what to do? I am to commandeer Gruber's little tank squash the barbed wire fence and get you out.
Get on the plank.
One two three! Colonel, um Where does Lieutenant Gruber keep the keys to his tank? What are you playing at down there? - Sorry.
- Get on the board! - I am ready.
- One two three! I think we need a stronger plank.
Good thinking.
And two pairs of braces! Can we not go perhaps a little faster? I will dingle a cerrot in front of the doonkey.
That is butter.
We shall be there very sheetly.
- Goodbye, Hans.
- Goodbye, Colonel.
Excuse me.
Would you mind hurrying up? His nerve is going.
It went half an hour ago.
One two three.
Well done.
The Resistance will not forget the bravery of René Artois.
Excuse me, how do I get over the wire from here? There are the gates.
You as a Sister of Mercy will enter the camp to distribute religious pamphlets.
But what if the guard should recognise me? - I know quite a few soldiers.
- I will distract him.
Once inside the camp you must tell the Colonel our plan.
Wait here a moment while I commence the distraction.
Bless you, my child.
I think we've got the angle right this time.
Hans, when you go, throw yourself back like this.
You do it so well, Colonel.
You go.
No, Hans.
You're getting the hang of it very well.
One two three! I am sorry.
I have had enough.
I am not jumping.
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Jolly good show.
One down, 249 to go.
Underneath the lamppost by the barrack gate Darling, I remember the way you used to wait It was there that you whispered tenderly That you loved me May I enter your camp to distribute to the prisoners religious pamphlets? Why, I suppose so.
I am instructed to search you.
But since you are a nun, I do not think it necessary.
This is a great relief to me.
.
.
caress you and press you to my heart, and there 'neath And also I have more important things to do.
Mme Fanny, are you sure that you are acquainted with this sophisticated mechanism? When I was a girl, I worked in a fairground.
Fanny, you were the bearded lady.
Yes but that did not worry the randy operator of the ghost train.
I will climb into the poop.
You will then loft it over the other sod of the weir.
I am sure we have dug far enough.
We will see.
- Why are you digging upwards? - I am making a small hole.
Through this hole I will thrust my powerful Gestapo telescope.
With it we may see a familiar landmark.
Mme Edith! It is I, Lieutenant Gruber.
Lieutenant Gruber! What are you doing? I have a plan to get you out of the camp.
We cannot talk here.
We will meet inside the hut.
Wait here.
I will give you a signal.
What can you see, Herr Flick? Is there a convent in this district? Why do you ask? I have just seen a pair of nun's knickers.
The plan is as follows.
I will commandeer the French refuse collecting vehicle.
I will drive the vehicle into the camp.
I will be in disguise.
The side of the vehicle will open and you will all jump in.
Will not your guards be suspicious to see a rubbish cart driven by a nun? I will be disguised as a rough French rubbish cart driver.
That's good of you.
We both have an interest in paintings which we will sell after the war.
Besides, the café is not the same without René behind the bar.
You're looking very pale, René.
Are you getting enough to eat? The food is disgusting.
- They treat us like pigs.
- I know! What if Hans carries out your orders, steals the tank, charges into the camp and we are not here? He can charge out again.
Tell him to cancel his plan.
And listen to me, all of you.
I want it clearly understood.
When we get out of here, we are the conquerors and you are the enemy.
Stop helping British airmen to escape.
- Of course, Colonel.
- And in the meantime, remember I have a gun - if you give us away, you will be shot.
I take your point.
I must go.
Vespers, you know.
Be ready by the rubbish bins at 8:00.
I will arrange with the British commander to create a diversion.
- Heil Hitler.
- Hail Mary.
Come on! Out! You're supposed to be taking the exercise! Out! Out! One, two, one, two, one, two Edith.
Does not the driver of that crane look familiar to you? It is my mother! Why is she delivering a drainpipe? Be patient.
Soon she will reveal all.
Perish the thought.
Good moaning.
What are you doing here, you English idiot? I have come to help you to escoop.
You going to get us all shot! You can escoop by climbing into the droonpoop.
The poop will then be lofted in the air, swong over the weir and then dripped on the other sod.
There is no room for the two of us inside the "poop".
And we already have a plan to escape.
You mean to escoop.
Do not tell me how to speak my own language! Stuff yourself inside that drainpipe and go.
You have made your bid, now you can loo in it.
I'm sorry, Michelle, they can't possibly go at 8:00.
We're doing our concert.
The concert will be the perfect diversion.
No, it won't.
You'll be surrounded by Kraut guards.
Why can't we be in the cabaret? We could do a dance or act the goat.
We could all act like silly asses.
We'll have to rehearse something properly.
We don't want to look like amateurs.
General von Klinkerhoffen's coming.
Sir, Wagstaff's got another wheeze.
- Let's see it.
- Wagstaff! Heil Hitler.
Not approved.
I have come to collect the refuse.
I am the rubbish man.
My, my, what fine tattoos.
"Dishonour before death.
" You may pass.
Heaven, I'm in heaven And my heart beats Ha, ha! They are quite sophisticated.
Decadent but amusing.
.
.
I seek When where out together dancing cheek to cheek When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek Why don't you give her a kiss! I'll leave that sort of thing to the Germans.
Settle down, men.
Settle down, please.
And now our lovely ladies from hut four Les Girls! My goodness! Some of them really do look like girls! Must be all go in hut four.
Look! General von Klinkerhoffen! - What am I meant to do? - Keep kicking!