'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s04e02 Episode Script

You are probably wondering what I am doing in a prisoner of war camp, dressed as a dancing girl.
One, two, three My breath will not last long enough for me to tell you but suffice it to say, we are about to escape in the rubbish cart driven by Lieutenant Gruber, who is the one who fancies me.
- It's here, chaps.
- It's here.
Thank goodness.
Come on, Colonel, eyes and teeth.
I say, that was jolly good.
They're shouting for more.
There is not time.
No encores.
Get into the cart.
Psst.
In here.
Crouch down.
Oh, this is show business for you.
One minute, you are a star, the next, you are on the rubbish heap.
Keep digging, von Smallhausen.
Herr Flick, Herr Flick, we have broken through! Good, we will see where this tunnel is emerging.
Please to be holding tight.
Aah! Zis could be ze dormitory of the nunnery.
If your theory is correct, von Smallhausen, the nuns have very large feet and a strange taste in pictures.
We are in ze prisoner of war camp.
We must return at once to Gestapo headquarters.
Open ze gate.
You are wearing a rotten disguise.
Go back to your hut, Englishman.
But I am Otto Flick of the Gestapo.
And I am Hitler's Auntie Nellie.
Von Smallhausen, the tunnel.
What are you playing at? I regret to say that we have some mechanical malfunction.
Well, fix it.
It smells terrible in here.
I am going to have to get out.
Oh.
I have traced the fault.
There was a loose wire.
Good, start it again and let's get cracking.
Ooh, Michelle, I'm still shaking from fear.
Oh, but it was a glorious episode.
We accomplished our mission and got the airmen back into the camp.
- I say, what's going on? - What are you chaps doing here? We followed you.
You were supposed to stay behind at the camp.
Oh.
Well, you should have said.
I did say.
I told you when you were getting dressed.
I had trouble with Fairfax's bra, I probably wasn't listening.
- What are they doing here? - There 'as been a cockup.
You are late, von Smallhausen.
My peasant servant forgot to wake me up.
- Did you shoot him? - No, no.
I spoke to him sharply and told him to be more careful in future.
I sometimes wonder how you got into the Gestapo.
I think it was the limp.
And the sinister gaze.
Take this wireless and follow me.
- It's very light, Herr Flick.
- It is the latest model.
Bring also the batteries.
M Leclerc, get behind the bar.
Polish the glasses.
- Yes, madame.
- Er, no, look.
Take this money, go across the square and buy more gin.
Your mother has drunk it all.
How shall I disguise myself? You will not need a disguise.
Just go as yourself - a perfectly normal idiot.
- Huh? - Now.
René, I will take some food down to the cellar to the Colonel.
Edith, do not give him our food.
Tell him to get back to his office.
How can he when he is dressed as a girl from the Folies Bergère? Why does he not borrow my coat and hat? Because of the escape, there is a curfew.
If he is found as a civilian he could be shot.
Lieutenant Gruber will bring his uniform.
Very well, feed him.
- Oh, Rrrené! - Yvette.
Oh! Oh, at last, we are alone.
- Hold me tight.
- Yvette.
Oh, René.
Oh, René, it is so long Sorry, where were we? It is so long since you held me like zis.
Oh, just the feel of your strong body through my thin blouse makes my knees tremble.
What a coincidence.
When are you going to tell your wife you are leaving her? Oh, er, soon, Yvette, soon.
Well, why not this morning? Well, it is very complicated, Yvette.
Remember that I have been shot dead and I am now posing as my own twin brother.
My will left this café to Edith.
If I am going to get my hands back on it, I am going to have to do it by marrying her again and then telling her that I am leaving her to marry you.
So, you see, this morning is not a good time.
- Oh, tell me there is nobody else.
- There is nobody else.
I feel better now.
Oh, Yvette, dear, sweet, emotional child.
Let me look at you.
Oh, you are crying in one eye.
I think it is a little bit of grit.
Keep very still and I will get it out.
Lieutenant Gruber.
I thought for a moment that you were perhaps still closed.
Oh, for the German army, we never close, particularly an 'ero of the Russian front.
I have here the uniform for the Colonel.
- Good.
He is in the cellar.
- I will take it down to him.
Oh, Lieutenant Gruber, good morning.
The Colonel will be pleased to see you.
René, Edith, Michelle wishes to speak with us in ze back room.
Oh, 'eck.
Do not move.
What are you doing here in broad daylight? I have bad news.
Gather round.
I have little time so listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
Maria did not escape with us.
- We know that.
- What happened to her? We have heard that in order to escape, she broke into the postal room of the prisoner of war camp.
Once there, she disguised herself as a Red Cross parcel.
Unfortunately, she did not put on enough stamps.
So they have sent her back to Switzerland.
It's all perfectly logical, I suppose.
The poor child.
René, we must light a candle for her.
Oh, of course.
For Maria.
We must advertise for a new girl.
I have more news.
We have heard that Hitler is preparing to invade England.
We must carry out sabotage as soon as we receive the orders.
- What about the airmen? - They will have to stay here.
This operation has absolute priority.
Where are they now? Hello.
London will be coming through on the radio, we must hurry.
Higher, von Smallhausen.
London is due to transmit.
It's very heavy, Herr Flick.
Stop whingeing, von Smallhausen.
What do you intend to do with this radio now that I have humped it onto the roof of the chateau? We will jam the London broadcast and substitute one of our own.
Aw, she sleeps.
She looks like a little angel.
She looks more like a dead moth.
We must wake her very gently.
Mama.
Mama.
Wake up, you old bat.
Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
You have woken me from my dream.
You are callous and heartless, René.
She was smiling so beautifully.
Was it a nice dream, Mama? Well, it was, er vivid and a bit, er, naughty.
Edith.
Ready? One, two, three.
Uh! - Aah! - Sorry, Mama.
The radio.
Ooh! Oh, ze flashing knobs.
It has broken my dream.
What are you doing in the bed of my mother? When I climbed through the droonpoop in the prisoner of war comp, I slopped and bonged my hod.
Your mither allowed me to lay on her bod so I could have a bit of wrist.
London is coming through on the radio.
Shut up.
'Allo, 'allo.
This is Nighthawk, come in London.
Over.
"Allo, Nighthawk.
London calling.
London calling.
' I have zem.
I will now jam the London transmitter and broadcast myself.
'This is Nighthawk, come in London.
' Hello, Nighthawk.
Ve vish to send medals to all ze members of ze Resistance.
Please give me their names and addresses.
'We do not know their names and addresses.
'But send me the medals and I will pass them on.
' - Where are the airmen? - In the back room.
'Where is the back room?' Behind the front room.
He is asking a lot of questions.
Give it to me.
Are you sure you are in London? Of course.
I am in Piccadilly Circus.
Von Smallhausen, the effects.
Paper! Paper! 'Read all about it.
' Violets, lovely violets.
Violets.
Bl.
.
aah! Herr Flick, I'm falling off the roof! Aah! Flick! It is Herr Flick, we have been discovered.
Quick, dismantle everything.
You fool.
What are you doing? They do not know our position and you've smashed the radio.
- We cannot speak to London.
- Well Lieutenant, I am worried about Hans.
He hasn't been seen since he was catapulted over the wire.
- Do you think he has deserted? - No, not Hans.
He has neither the courage nor the intelligence to be a coward.
Colonel, I have searched the vicinity of the camp and found these.
These are the spectacles of Hans Geering.
I questioned a passing peasant who said that an RAF officer answering to the description of Hans was taken avay by the Resistance.
Can we be sure it was the Captain? Yes.
These are the spectacles of little Hans.
Through these very lenses, those beady eyes used to stare at me.
Like a trusting Pekingese.
Ah, er, Colonel, Lieutenant Gruber, Helga, sorry to keep you waiting.
Er, you are probably wondering why I have been upstairs with my wife and the policeman.
It's France, René, one is not surprised at anything.
Oh, no, Colonel, it was nothing like that.
It never is.
Er, I-I-I-I was consulting this officer of the law about my security arrangements.
There are many buglers about.
The girls should lick their bedroom door and your wife should have a good, strong belt.
He means bolt.
Thank you, Officer.
Be on your way.
Come and sit down, René.
I want to talk to you, urgently.
Yes, yes, in a moment.
I Ah! Er, thank you, gas inspector for reading my meter.
There is a nasty smell in the kitchen which I wish you to sniff with your professional nose.
It is either a gas leak or the Camembert is off.
Yvette, look after the Colonel, will you? Give me back my hat and coat and get out.
René, I have the solution to our problem.
As far as I am concerned, she is our problem.
Outside the café is the little tank of Lieutenant Gruber.
In it is a radio.
Why do we not contact London on it? You are more mad than she is.
This is the bold idea of a brave woman.
We will do it.
Do it? The Germans are in the café, ten yards away.
We will arrange for them to be distracted.
We will all rendezvous inside the tank in three minutes.
But, look Edith, I will have nothing to do with this.
You are the bravest man in all France? You have the courage of a chicken.
A very little chicken! René, I insist on speaking to you.
Ah, er, allow me to get you a drink, Colonel.
Where have you been? I passed out in the bushes.
I was returning with the gin and I was 'it on the 'ead by a radio.
No doubt dropped from a passing aeroplane.
The Germans shoot them down all the time.
Get behind the bar.
Er, now, Colonel, what can I do for you? René, we are very worried about Hans.
He vas taken avay by the Resistance.
He is in RAF uniform, he could be shot on sight.
Or they could have kidnapped him and be holding him to ransom.
I saw him land in the rubbish heap.
I sink, perhaps, he was taken by the Communist Resistance.
The Communist Resis? I thought they were on strike.
It has been settled.
Zey have agreed higher ransoms.
If I hear anything, Colonel, you will be the first to know.
René, Michelle will be waiting for us in the little tank.
We cannot just walk out.
They will wonder where we have gone.
- We need a diversion.
- Ah! I could do for you my world-famous blindfold knife-throwing performance.
- Huh? - We need a diversion, not a massacre.
- I have it.
Come with me.
- Well Lieutenant Gruber, there is something René would like you to do but he is too shy to ask.
- And what is this? - What are you saying, Edith? It is such a long time since you played for us at the piano.
Er, René is always talking about your singing.
Are you not, René? It is the sole topic of my conversation.
I should be delighted.
And what is your favourite song, René? Ah, er, oh, anything, Lieutenant Gruber.
You choose.
I think you vill be enjoying this one.
Mad about ze boy I know it's stupid But I'm mad about ze boy I'm so ashamed of it but must admit Ze sleepless nights I've had about ze boy René, Michelle will be waiting in the tank.
- Er - On ze silver screen Lieutenant Gruber, er, your singing is so beautiful, I must go outside, er I do not like to be seen crying in front of men.
I understand.
I feel a bit emotional myself.
Lord knows I'm not a schoolgirl I shouldn't really care Keep singing.
I can hear you from outside.
Lord knows I'm not a schoolgirl Edith, this is madness.
- Michelle, Michelle.
- She's not here.
Let's go back.
Quick, it is all connected.
All we need is an 'igher aerial.
Well, I do not have one.
Edith, back into the café.
No, no.
It is all arranged.
It is attached to this brick.
What are you doing? That is the window of my bathroom.
You Oh.
Who has thrown a brick into my bathroom? It's all right, Mama.
It is only the Resistance.
Oh, that is right.
Tell the whole neighbourhood.
"Allo, 'allo.
Are you receiving me? Over.
' Quick, zey are coming through.
You take ze radio.
I must merge into the scenery.
Merge into the scenery! Why cannot we merge into the scenery? Quick, the radio.
It is not correctly tuned.
I will twiddle the knob.
I'm feeling quite insane And young again And all because I'm mad about the boy Good moaning.
Where is the owner of the smell tink? - I am ze owner.
- You have left your rudio on.
If you do not swatch it off, you will have a flit bittery.
Thank you.
I was just leaving anyway.
Can I give anyone a lift? Colonel, Helga? - Thank you.
- Thank you.
"Allo, 'allo.
I am receiving you.
'Stand by.
We have somebody who wishes to speak with you.
' I do not recognise this voice.
Do you think it could be Herr Flick again? Very likely.
Let us get out of here.
René, what were you doing in Gruber's little tank? Well, we, we heard the telephone ring so we just popped in to answer it in case it was anyone important for you, like Hitler.
- 'Hello.
' - It doesn't sound like Hitler.
'Hello.
' This is Colonel von Strohm, who's talking? 'Captain Hans Geering.
' Hans! Thank heavens you are safe.
What happened to you? 'Erm, the Resistance took me away.
' The Resistance.
They'll be wanting a ransom.
Hans, can you give us your present position? 'I am in an office overlooking Piccadilly Circus.
' 'Violets! Lovely violets!' What has happened? 'I'm afraid the war is over for me, Colonel.
'The Resistance mistook me for a British airman 'and sent me back to England.
' Then you must escape and get back here as soon as possible.
'Erm, that will not be easy, Colonel.
'You see, I do not have my spectacles.
' Hans, what am I going to tell the General? 'Well, er, tell him the food is very good 'and the British think they're going to win.
Over and out.
' Hans.
Hans? Hans! Hans.