'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s04e03 Episode Script

Ah The more observant among you may note that I am wearing a clean new apron.
I have trimmed my moustache and manicured my nails.
And if you were standing next to me, you would know also that I am wearing a very powerful aftershave lotion.
My wife finds it irresistible.
So I seldom wear it.
But this is a special occasion.
Since my waitress has been lost in the post I now have to find a new girl to work under me in the bar.
And there have been many applications.
- René? - Yes? Zis new girl that you will be taking on - promise me you won't fall in love with 'er? Oh, Yvette, what a suggestion! Have you ever known me to deceive anyone? Look out, my wife is coming.
René, are the girls here yet? Er M Leclerc has assembled them outside.
Good.
Show them in, I will interview them.
Edith, there is no need for you to bother yourself with this.
I know the type of girl I want to work in our café.
So do I.
And it is not our café, it is my café.
It will only be our café when you marry me again.
Yes, Edith.
Psst! The girls, they are getting restless.
- Oh, er - Show in the first applicant.
Mme Sablon.
- Very suitable.
- I agree, when can she start? But but Edith, she has to get down on her knees to clean the floors, climb the stairs to entertain the Germans I can get down on my knees and I am able to entertain the Germans.
She is perfect! Well, yes, but We must see the others, Edith.
Er, we will let you know, Mme Sablon.
Er Mlle Angélique Vitesse, 38-28 38! Next, please.
Colonel, General von Klinkerhoffen is here.
- General von Klinkerhoffen? - General von Klinkerhoffen! General von Klinkerhoffen! - Heil Hitler.
- Heil Hitler! Sit.
- Go avay.
- Yes, General.
The invasion of England is in preparation and vill take place before the winter.
My chateau is to be the operational centre.
All planning will be carried out there.
Your area is consequently of vital importance.
- Security must be vatertight.
- I understand, Herr General.
Where is your assistant? He volunteered for the Russian Front.
Good.
I intended to send him there anyway.
- You will have a new assistant.
- I'm delighted.
Mussolini has persuaded Herr Hitler that a small token force should join us in the invasion.
We are, therefore, to have a liaison officer.
It's not agreeable to me but we must obey orders.
In order to keep him out of my hair I have placed him under your command.
Bring in Captain Bertorelli.
Bring in Captain Bertorelli! Captain Bertorelli.
Mamma mia! A beautiful laydee! I kiss-a your hand.
- Captain! - Captain Bertorelli, officers in the German army do not kiss the lady privates.
What a mistake-a to make-a.
Generalo, please forgive me.
I am Italian, when I see the beautiful laydee my heart go boom-diddy-boom diddy-boom.
This is your commanding officer, Colonel von Strohm.
Colonelo, you have a kind-a face.
To you I give a salute.
Mmmwah! It's a beautiful place you 'ave here, I think I be very happy.
- This-a my desk? - No! This-a my desk! I forget.
General I have-a for you the special gift from Mussolini.
It's the Italian war hero medal.
Oh, the Italian war hero medal.
- I've never seen this before.
- I think they're very rare.
You too have many medals.
Me? I am a hero.
These here, for service in Abyssinia.
These, for service in North Africa.
And the bottom row? They are for servicing Fiats.
Er Mlle Valerie Vendome.
36-22-36.
Miss Vendome, what is your experience? Until recently I worked in a circus.
I can ride a one-wheeled bicycle.
Very 'andy for errands, Edith.
I can do also the acrobatic.
It would be good for dusting under the bed, Edith.
Oh, the best yet.
I also 'ave a beautiful singing voice and I do cabaret.
So do I.
Next, please.
Michelle of the Resistance.
You fool! You want the 'ole world to know? What are you doing here? Listen very carefully.
I will say this only once.
Your new radio has arrived.
But the Germans know our wavelength.
We have changed the wavelength.
It will be delivered by a man dressed as a mountaineer.
But the nearest mountain is an 'undred miles away.
He is lost.
He will come in here asking for directions.
- Look - No more questions.
Your new serving girl is to be from the Resistance.
She is outside.
She was a Paris gang leader.
Mimi, I want you to meet the bravest man in all France, - René Artois.
- My name is Mimi La Bonque.
This is my wife Edith.
Mlle La Bonque.
This is Yvette, the other servant.
René is very important to the Resistance, guard 'im with your life.
This is my bodyguard?! I will be the laughing stock of the whole town.
Show 'im.
Good! She is hired! Thank you, monsieur.
Oh, 'eck, it is Herr Flick from the Gestapo.
Oh, God.
Put that away! Edith, he will want his table in the back room.
- The airmen are in there.
- Get rid of them! Ah, Herr Flick.
Welcome to my 'umble café.
Er, let me take from you your sinister leather coat.
- Hello! - Hello! We need this room, you must not be discovered.
You must leave! Er, I will just make sure that the room is emp er, prepared for you.
- All is clear.
- Come in please, Herr Flick.
Sit down, make yourself at home.
Mimi, a menu and wine for Herr Flick and his bit of st er, er His lady friend.
I 'ave already prepared a bottle for the Gestapo.
Er, it is very stuffy in 'ere, let me open a window for you.
Good moaning.
Good evening, Officer.
How comforting to know that you are doing your duty.
- Do not waste your torch.
- It is a dick night.
Very likely, yes.
I thought I saw two men leaking by your dustbins.
Well, that is France for you.
- Hello! - Hello! Er the police are patrolling the grounds.
Ah, Mimi.
Wine for the Gestapo officer.
Here you are, sir.
You will never drink a better bottle.
- I vill do it.
- Of course, Herr Flick.
When you speak in such a dominating fashion - I go veak at the knees.
- This is normal.
Helga, I vish you to know that this is a very special occasion.
I have decided to marry you.
I thought we were going to vait until after the var? These are dangerous times, Helga.
We must grab every moment of happiness while we may.
But you have always managed to grab it so far without getting married.
Mimi, you must not oversell our wine, it is only plonk.
Why tell Herr Flick that he would never open a better bottle? It was the truth.
I removed the cork and put in a deadly poison.
In four minutes he will be no more.
Mimi, not in my café! Helga, may we be blessed with many little members of the master race.
It was not a good year.
Ah, good evening, Lieutenant Gruber.
Table by the window? No, I would prefer just to have a little snifter by the bar.
- Of course.
- Take this into him and remember the house rule - do not kill people on the premises.
- Good evening, René.
- Good evening, Lieutenant.
- He's the one that fancies me.
- Who is to blame 'im? You 'ave a quality that is irresistible.
You too? From the moment I saw you my lips 'ungered for your lips.
Well, er practise on this, I am rather busy right now.
That's a very exciting perfume you're wearing.
Yes, yes.
It is my aftershave.
It is cologne for men.
No doubt that is why I am attracted to it.
- René - Yes? I vish to speak to you confidentially.
Can you bend over a little? Oh! Yes, yes, of course.
Could you obtain for me, perhaps from your vife Edith, some dark red lipstick? You're going somewhere special? René do not get the wrong idea about me, I do not wear lipstick.
Even when I'm going somewhere special.
- I'm sorry.
- I need it to complete the forgery of the Fallen Madonna With The Big The Big Exactly.
- How are you getting on? - Making progress but it's quite a task.
One for Hitler, one for the Colonel, one for the General, it's a lot of work.
- And a lot of - Exactly.
You shall have the lipstick, Lieutenant.
- Good evening, Colonel.
- Good evening.
- René, I want to speak to you.
- Yes, Colonel.
I'm meeting my new assistant here.
- He will be most welcome, Colonel.
- Psst.
He knows nothing about the British airmen or the painting or the cuckoo clock.
I had forgotten about the cuckoo clock.
Nor does he know about my little visit upstairs with the girls.
With the flying 'elmet and the wet celery? Never mention the flying helmet and the wet celery.
- Rely on us, Colonel.
- His name is Bertorelli.
What, von Bertorelli? Captain Alberto Bertorelli.
He's an Eyetie.
An Italian unit will come with us when we invade England.
I suppose somebody has to take over the ice cream business.
- When is the invasion? - I shouldn't have told you! - Forget it, forget it.
- Yes, forget it, Yvette.
Never mention the invasion or the fact that the Colonel told you about it.
Oh, by the way, we are running rather short of butter, sugar And paraffin and cigarettes.
No problem.
Colonelo! You are my friend and I keep-a you waiting.
But you forgive-a me, no? Mmmwah! - This is Captain Bertorelli.
- Yes, I guessed.
- Good evening and welcome.
- Oh, patron! Mmmwah! I am just a simple peasant, trying to scratch a living with my mother-in-law and my wife.
I embrace-a your wife! - Mmmwah! - Oh! I embrace your mother-in-law! I am 'is wife.
What a mistake-a to make-a.
Mamma mia, who is this 'andsome officer who look like-a de film star? - This is Captain Bertorelli.
- I heard about you from the General.
This is Lieutenant Gruber.
I, er I heard about-a you from the General.
How are you goin' on, eh? Yvette! Edith! Ahhh.
Does nobody hear the cry of a bedridden woman! Stop shouting, Mama.
The whole café can 'ear you.
What is the matter? Since there is no radio under the bed, nobody comes up to my room.
Why do you not read from your book? Oh, my 'ands.
They shake too much.
I am not surprised.
Lady Chatterley's Lover? You should not be reading such a book at your age.
At my age what else can I do? Colonel? In my room is a painting on which I would like your advice.
A painting? Why would I want to see a painting? It is of a flying 'elmet and some wet celery.
I will go at once! Do you also have one of an egg whisk? Oh, I am sure I can find one.
Oh, my God.
Good evening.
Can anybody 'elp a poor, weary old mountaineer who has lost his way? Eh, come over 'ere, old mountaineer, and tell me your problem.
- Ah, kind, most kind - Yes.
- I was lucky to see your light.
- Yes, indeed.
I have tramped for hours and hours and tramped Shut up! What is it? It is I, Leclerc.
That is abundantly clear to all but the totally blind.
In the pack on my back is your new radio.
It is already connected to the batteries.
Here is the aerial.
Somebody stole my gal Somebody Edith, get this old idiot upstairs before he gets us all shot.
He cannot go to the room of my mother, she is doing private things.
- You, take him to the room of Yvette.
- She is doing officer things.
Oh, 'eck.
Come and sit down, weary old lost mountaineer.
Er we will bring you a refreshing bowl of soup before you go to your room.
Er, Mimi - soup.
Good evening.
Er, at what theatre are you performing? Have some wine, garrulous old mountaineer.
And do not talk to the conquering heroes.
Remember, you are just a silly old peasant, eh? Pardon.
- Try to ignore 'im.
- Is-a not easy.
That-a coat-a you wear is-a is-a very fine.
This is what we mountaineers call It is a windcheater.
Whatever you do don't-a take it off.
Any old iron You look neat Talk about a treat You look dapper From your napper to your feet Dressed in style with a brand-new tile And your father's old green tie on I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch chain Old iron, old iron I have been thinking about the arrangements for our vedding.
Herr Flick, are you quite sure, deep in your heart - wherever it is - you are ready for marriage? - What are you saying? - You are so young, so attractive.
Women are always throwing themselves at you.
- This is true.
- I vill be consumed with jealousy.
I will be breaking the plates when I do the vashing-up.
If you did you would be punished.
Ve vill be married in a high-security Gestapo chapel.
Ve vill leave the ceremony through an arch of rubber truncheons held by my Gestapo colleagues in jackboots.
Ve vill leave in a black Gestapo limousine showered with propaganda pamphlets.
Ve vill honeymoon in a Bavarian forest.
Every morning ve vill leave our camouflaged tent, strip naked and dive into the icy vaters of a limpid, dark lake.
Could I have time to think about it? Ah, Colonel.
You like-a de painting, eh? It was most enjoyable.
You got-a the lipstick on your face.
And behind-a your ear there is a piece of wet cel-airy.
You not just look at de painting, eh? Do not poke your vop nose into my business.
Colonelo, my friend.
We are both men of the world.
You fix-a so Yvette show me the painting, eh? Certainly not.
I will show you some paintings, Capitan.
Follow me.
Is-a my lucky night, eh? - And where are you going? - She show-a me the painting.
You will never see better paintings as long as you live.
- Good evening.
- Heil Hitler.
Michelle, what are you playing at? The town is full of Germans.
Like this I can move around freely.
London will contact you in ten minutes on a new wavelength.
With a café full of customers, that is all I need.
- How is the new girl? - She is a fanatic! She tried to kill Herr Flick in the back.
She has a ruthless hatred of the enemy.
Yvette, two soups for table three and chicken for the back.
- I would like a small port.
- Port for Lieutenant Gruber.
- I 'ave only one pair of 'ands.
- Get Mimi to 'elp you.
She's upstairs with the Captain.
She's a fast worker, that one.
She's a show-off.
She told him he would never see better paintings as long as he lived.
Oh, my God! Signorine! I think he's trying to speak.
Whatever you do, don't-a you make a pass at de girls.
Don't worry, he won't.